Man Suspected Wife Was Cheating, Gets Proved Right, And Has To Live With The Idea Of An Open Marriage
Interview With Expert
Not every marriage is happy, even if most start out on a high note. And yet, not every unhappy marriage ends in divorce, as some people tend to choose alternatives like transitioning into an open relationship.
However, as one Redditor shared, not everyone finds it to be a switch for the better, as some do. When the guy learned that his wife no longer wanted to be with him and had recently intended to cheat, he agreed to an open marriage despite previously strongly considering a divorce. Although it did save his family for his kids, it left the guy in a pit of sorrow. Scroll down to read the full story.
More info: Reddit
Open marriages can be a great thing for making your relationship stronger, but they will rarely mend one that’s already broken
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
A guy and his wife were happily married for 10 years, but in the past few months, their relationship started to roll downhill
Image credits: Matilda Wormwood (not the actual photo)
The woman was always angry at the guy despite him being a perfect husband, and he started suspecting that she was cheating
Image credits: NATASHA LOIS (not the actual photo)
When he confronted her, she admitted that she intended to cheat but didn’t and told him that she didn’t want to be married to him or anyone else anymore
Image credits: u/devestatedhusband
The guy wanted to get a divorce but agreed to an open marriage so they wouldn’t break up their children’s home
The 40-year-old OP has been married to his 43-year-old wife for a decade, and for most of it, everything has been going well. However, recently, things started going downhill until one day when the guy became completely convinced the woman was cheating.
The woman spent several hours getting ready to go “buy some stuff for the home,” which she always hated doing. To top it off, she was going with an unknown male friend. Once she returned, she refused to go into any details, saying that in order to stay in their marriage, she needed some time just for her.
The OP opened up that a few days before that, his wife told him that she didn’t wish to remain married, and it had nothing to do with the guy, as he took care of all of the childcare, shopping, and housework and also worked from home.
The guy was also always non-controlling, emotionally available, mature, and good-looking, but none of that stopped his wife from being angry at him all the time and hardly communicating. He began considering divorce but was hesitant as it would break up the family and break apart his children’s home.
However, the next day, the poster finally did catch a break. When he and his wife sat down to talk, she told him that she did indeed intend to cheat the night before but didn’t, as she found her would-be-affair partner “lacking.”
Hearing this, the husband asked if the woman wanted an open relationship, to which she answered yes, as she didn’t want to break up the family either. But at the same time, she closed the door to intimacy between her and the OP, making them more like roommates and less like partners.
The guy was left terribly saddened but admitted that this was probably not the worst outcome he could’ve gotten, and the commenters supported him in his pain. The OP received many different pieces of advice from people who dealt with similar situations, and hopefully, he wasn’t feeling as alone as before.
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
Nowadays, more and more people choose to be in an open relationship, where both partners are allowed to have other romantic and/or sexual partners while remaining primarily committed to each other. But does this kind of arrangement ever really work? To answer these questions, Bored Panda reached out to a psychologist, Hanan Parvez, who was glad to lend us his expertise.
The expert began by explaining that, contrary to now-popular belief, humans have evolved to be primarily monogamous. It is our go-to mating strategy, which ensures that human babies get the bi-parental care they require, making it kind of like our default setting. “That is not to say [we] don’t have adaptations for short-term mating, which is mainly where cheating and affairs come from.”
One of the main arguments the psychologists made against open relationships was the human need for safety and security in romantic relationships. “Open relationships make people feel unsafe. They’re inherently unstable and breed negative emotions like resentment and jealousy,” said Hanan, adding that opting for this is more often than not a case of short-term thinking.
“Say you’re in an open relationship, and you find someone other than your current partner attractive. Your mind will push you to pursue a long-term relationship with them at the expense of your current relationship,” continued the expert, explaining that the human mind struggles to stay in this unsafe and unstable limbo between old and new relationships.
The psychologist described this ‘push’ of the mind as the force driving humans to ‘settle down,’ which also makes it difficult to be on a hunt for romantic relationships all the time. “Mating effort takes too much time and energy. Being in an open relationship can prove to be costly in the long run, psychologically and productivity-wise.”
“That said, some people seem to be able to resist that ‘push’ and make such relationships work. But I always say it’s better to work with your mind, not against it,” said Hanan, making it clear that when it comes to romantic relationships, psychologically, it is easier to take it one at a time.
But while it might work for some couples, is turning your marriage into an open one just to keep the family together for the kids ever a good idea? Well, according to the expert, it most often isn’t.
“Staying in an unhappy but functional marriage isn’t necessarily better for the kids. Even though watching your parents getting divorced can be traumatic and painful, it eventually boils down to how much pain you’re able to reduce and ultimately live with,” explained the psychologist.
“[Kids] want their parents to be in a functional relationship and also a happy one. That makes them feel emotionally safe and leads them to develop positive beliefs about relationships,” summarized Hanan. While parents’ separation in situations like these might be hurtful for the kids at that time, it’s usually a lot better for them in the long run.
But ultimately, it’s all up to the people involved to choose what kind of relationship they live in. Open relationships can bring a lot of benefits if they truly work for you. But staying in one just for the sake of children, like the OP and his wife are attempting to do, doesn’t sound like the best idea out there.
What did you think about this story? What is your view on non-monogamous relationships? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
The commenters were very supportive of the poster and offered him advice on how to better deal with the situation
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
You May Also Like
Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk
Do you think childless individuals should be expected to chip in for group babysitting costs during friend gatherings?
17 Y.O. Is Done Sharing Her Birthday With Her Late Twin, Parents Are Not Having It
Do you think the girl should be allowed to celebrate her birthday without the remembrance of her deceased twin?
She sounds like a real POS if she really did just turn like that without any explanation.
My nephew's wife did. Turned around and threw the marriage in the bin over absolutely nothing. Basically a narcissist who had apparently been faking a human personality up to that point. These people exist.
Load More Replies...
People should NEVER remain together because of kids - the kids will notice their parents relationship is strained and they will suffer alongside because they're in a situation where constantly something is wrong. Yes, a divorce isn't great for a kid either, but in such a case the better solution to the problem.
It says at the beginning that an open marriage can be a great way to make your relationship stronger. Citation needed. I mean if the marriage is dead but you both want to keep living in the same house, then fine. Or in some rare cases when two people are no longer sexually compatible and the marriage won't work unless it's opened up. But neither of these scenarios are something anyone wants. Opening a marriage is an act of desperation that does not bode well in the short, medium, or long term. I've met a few polyamorous, and one thing they almost all have in common is commitment issues. I don't say that to be derogatory. People should do what works for them, as long as it's honest. But polyamory invariably relies on redefining commitment and what it means to be in a long term relationship. Again, not derogatory, but generally incompatible with mainstream notions of marriage. Maybe you don't want mainstream. That's fine, but don't pretend that it's all the same. It's not.
Incidentally, when I say "in some rare cases," I'm referring to extreme outliers. Like the man in a 20 year marriage who in his mid life crisis realizes he's gay and has been lying to himself. Or when a partner takes ill with some chronic condition that makes them unavailable. But even in these cases, the outlook is not good. So if you thought I was referring to you, I probably wasn't. Just say'n.
Load More Replies...
I think it's sad for a child to see a parent living a life they don't want. If OP wants a partnership that includes sex, intimacy, support, comfort, love and acceptance, that's what he should hold out for.
Why not just leave? At this point there's no marriage to hold on to. It makes me wonder if she's been abusive towards him since the beginning or something it's like he's unfortunately struggling with his self worth and just taking whatever he can get. That's no way to live.
It's a hard situation, but OP sounds realistic about it. If they want to stay married, they have sex with other people, or go without. They need to lay down ground rules, like how much discretion is required, is it a DADT situation etc. I think he should take time and decide I'd he really does want to stay together. If they want to cohabit until the kids are 18, that's a long time. But if they want to divorce, that's valid. Start reading Dan Savage, consider couples therapy to ease the transition, and it's going to be difficult, but not insurmountable. At least they are discussing things openly now, hopefully they can recalibrate, but if not, hopefully they can be rational adults for the sake of the kids.
IF (that's capitalised because it's important) he decides to stay with her he should get everything she's said in writing. Like a post-nup kinda thing. I'd be really worried she's suggesting he can go and bang whoever he likes to make him seem to be at fault when (not IF) they divorce. He'll have sex with someone at some point she'll then claim he was cheating and use it as grounds for at fault divorce. He'll claim she said it was ok and of course she'll deny it. But frankly, if I was him I'd just get it over with and divorce now. It sounds like it's inevitable.
Do. Not. Stay. In. An. Unhappy. Marriage. Just. For. The. Kids. Unhappy people make unhappy, dare I say bad, parents.
Whilst I think there is part of this story missing I would say, on the face of it, that there is no reason to save this marriage. She's already got what she wants so why does she need to remain married? He can carry on as he is but without the thought of what she is doing, she can simply move out and do this on her own. NB this is not so much a criticism as recognition that when one party feels like this then they should be open and end the marriage - you feel what you feel.
She sounds like a real POS if she really did just turn like that without any explanation.
My nephew's wife did. Turned around and threw the marriage in the bin over absolutely nothing. Basically a narcissist who had apparently been faking a human personality up to that point. These people exist.
Load More Replies... People should NEVER remain together because of kids - the kids will notice their parents relationship is strained and they will suffer alongside because they're in a situation where constantly something is wrong. Yes, a divorce isn't great for a kid either, but in such a case the better solution to the problem.
It says at the beginning that an open marriage can be a great way to make your relationship stronger. Citation needed. I mean if the marriage is dead but you both want to keep living in the same house, then fine. Or in some rare cases when two people are no longer sexually compatible and the marriage won't work unless it's opened up. But neither of these scenarios are something anyone wants. Opening a marriage is an act of desperation that does not bode well in the short, medium, or long term. I've met a few polyamorous, and one thing they almost all have in common is commitment issues. I don't say that to be derogatory. People should do what works for them, as long as it's honest. But polyamory invariably relies on redefining commitment and what it means to be in a long term relationship. Again, not derogatory, but generally incompatible with mainstream notions of marriage. Maybe you don't want mainstream. That's fine, but don't pretend that it's all the same. It's not.
Incidentally, when I say "in some rare cases," I'm referring to extreme outliers. Like the man in a 20 year marriage who in his mid life crisis realizes he's gay and has been lying to himself. Or when a partner takes ill with some chronic condition that makes them unavailable. But even in these cases, the outlook is not good. So if you thought I was referring to you, I probably wasn't. Just say'n.
Load More Replies... I think it's sad for a child to see a parent living a life they don't want. If OP wants a partnership that includes sex, intimacy, support, comfort, love and acceptance, that's what he should hold out for.
Why not just leave? At this point there's no marriage to hold on to. It makes me wonder if she's been abusive towards him since the beginning or something it's like he's unfortunately struggling with his self worth and just taking whatever he can get. That's no way to live.
It's a hard situation, but OP sounds realistic about it. If they want to stay married, they have sex with other people, or go without. They need to lay down ground rules, like how much discretion is required, is it a DADT situation etc. I think he should take time and decide I'd he really does want to stay together. If they want to cohabit until the kids are 18, that's a long time. But if they want to divorce, that's valid. Start reading Dan Savage, consider couples therapy to ease the transition, and it's going to be difficult, but not insurmountable. At least they are discussing things openly now, hopefully they can recalibrate, but if not, hopefully they can be rational adults for the sake of the kids.
IF (that's capitalised because it's important) he decides to stay with her he should get everything she's said in writing. Like a post-nup kinda thing. I'd be really worried she's suggesting he can go and bang whoever he likes to make him seem to be at fault when (not IF) they divorce. He'll have sex with someone at some point she'll then claim he was cheating and use it as grounds for at fault divorce. He'll claim she said it was ok and of course she'll deny it. But frankly, if I was him I'd just get it over with and divorce now. It sounds like it's inevitable.
Do. Not. Stay. In. An. Unhappy. Marriage. Just. For. The. Kids. Unhappy people make unhappy, dare I say bad, parents.
Whilst I think there is part of this story missing I would say, on the face of it, that there is no reason to save this marriage. She's already got what she wants so why does she need to remain married? He can carry on as he is but without the thought of what she is doing, she can simply move out and do this on her own. NB this is not so much a criticism as recognition that when one party feels like this then they should be open and end the marriage - you feel what you feel.
20
16