79 Times ‘Alphas’ Didn’t Even Realize How Fragile Their Masculinity Looked

About 4 in 10 American men see themselves as "highly masculine." That's according to a 2024 Pew Research poll, in which more than 6,000 adults participated. But what does it even mean to be masculine? It would seem the answer depends on who you ask.

For example, the Webster's New World College Dictionary defines masculine as "having qualities regarded as characteristic of men and boys, as strength, vigor, boldness, etc.; manly; virile."

But does that mean women and girls can't be strong bold? Or that boys and men can't be vulnerable?

"Rather than defining boys or men as 'good' or 'bad,' or 'tough' or 'weak,' it's important to recognize that men, like women, have many facets that extend far beyond the traditional expectations of their gender," cautions Dr. Carly Snyder, a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist.

Snyder adds that society often pressures men to "be men" in the traditional sense, rather than simply be human.

"For men, vulnerability is often neglected, dismissed, or combated," warns the expert. "When men push down emotions, ignore feelings, or dismiss their feminine traits, their mental health will suffer."

Social justice activist and public speaker Ron Blake agrees.

Blake once swallowed a bunch of pills, in the hopes that they would end his life. His mental health struggles began in 2015 after three men broke into his apartment, held him down, had their way with him and beat him. 

Blake says society, and the police, failed him in his quest for justice. Purely because he's a man.

“A former FBI agent was brought in and did a detailed investigation on my case, and his report stated that the police treated me differently that night. He said it was because I was a male, and it became clear to many people that, because I’m a gay man, they just didn’t take it seriously,” revealed Blake.

Blake believes that toxic masculinity took more from him than justice. He struggled to speak openly about the trauma in a world where men are encouraged to remain silent, and “tough it out.”

Today, he encourages boys and men to communicate their feelings and emotions more freely. “Once we remove those barriers, it will allow people to truly be themselves, a human being, without hiding their emotions and who they are,” he says.

Society often dictates that men and boys should suppress their emotions but this can lead to them handling pain alone. Another case in point is that of student Ayaan Maker.

“My friend’s dog passed away during school, while I was with him. Instead of letting us comfort him, he walked away because he didn’t want anyone to see him crying,” Maker told Scot Scoop, Carlmont High School's student news site.

Blake believes that men need to be more empathetic so that they can process their feelings openly rather than internalizing them.

"We need men to be role models for the new generation. It all starts with teaching boys to not be men, but to be humans," he says. "This should not be a gender issue. Once we make this a human issue, toxic masculinity will fade."

"The truth is being a man can mean whatever you want it to mean," says Britt East, author of A Gay Man's Guide to Life. "You get to decide." This also means that society as a whole needs to stop putting people into boxes.

"Our society needs to remember that being a man doesn’t mean you have to like sports or women. Being a strong man doesn’t mean you can’t show weakness or cry. Being a successful man doesn’t mean you have to marry or become a C-suite executive," adds Snyder. "Gender identities, just like career choices and lifestyle choices, don’t make you any less of a man."

In an essay titled, Why Calling It 'Toxic Masculinity' Isn't Helping, Mark Greene argues that "masculinity is not toxic; our culture’s narrow, conformist, violent, bullying, man-box version of it is." He says that words matter, and that "language that critiques men’s culture (toxic culture of masculinity) is received differently than language that critiques men’s personal sense of self (toxic masculinity)."

One blames and shames, explains Greene, while the other invites men to understand how they are victims of man-box culture.