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According to a 2022 survey, about 5 million Americans have been adopted, and between 2% and 4% of Americans have adopted a child. This includes adopting children from another nation, adopting American children whose parents can’t take care of them, and children who are taken in by a relative or stepparent. But regardless of how a child ends up in the care of people who aren’t their biological parents, their family and their experiences are still valid.
Redditors who were adopted have been opening up about their experiences and what they’d like other people to understand, so we’ve gathered some of their stories below. From questions that they’ll never be able to answer to thoughts about who their “real” parents are, we hope this list will provide you with some new perspectives, pandas. Enjoy reading through, and be sure to upvote the replies that touch you.
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#1
When I tell someone I'm adopted and they ask about my real parents (meaning my biological parents), I get very pissy. With all due respect to the people who conceived me, my real parents are the ones who changed my diapers, who busted their asses to put food on the table and clothes on my back, who drove me to karate/football/basketball/whatever practice, who stressed the importance of education, and most importantly, who loved me completely and unconditionally. THOSE are my REAL parents.
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#2
That some people who are adopted dont care.
Its hard too explain, but my erlieast memories are with my adoptive parents so for me they always were my real parents.
Making a child is easy, raising one is the hard part.
So I never had much desire to Research my biological parents, i know my mother fled from serbia when war started and died soon after my birth when she was in vienna.
In fact i often see it, as if adoptive parents have to make a harder decision if they really want THIS child as if it just happens the natural way, so they care and bond is extra strong :).
Nadine Debard 1 week ago
This is right. I have a natural child but I've considered adoption too, and I'm afraid of this because I would pick-up a new family member and I don't know if it would be a good thing or not. Plus adoption in my country is very, very hard and takes several years of procedure. So adopted people, you've been chosen by people who believed in you.
#3
If you were adopted from birth, it pretty much feels like your adoptive parents are your only parents. That's how I will always view them, because that's what they are to me. Best way I can describe it is that quote from Yondu in Guardians: "He may have been your father, but he wasn't your daddy." Also, if I'm making self deprecating jokes about being purchased or what not, it's ok to laugh. That's why I do it. Please don't get offended for me, THAT is what gets annoying.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 week ago
I was adopted at birth and I feel this way exactly. My adoptive parents ARE my parents. I never knew any "other" parents. The only thing is that, in my opinion, an adopted child should KNOW they are adopted and should (hopefully) know some things about their biological parents, because some diseases and illnesses are genetic, and it's important to know your genetic predispositions. I always make sure I tell doctors that I do not know my family's medical history due to being adopted.
#4
I may be an unusual case but I am really nonchalant about a lot of stuff so I literally put being adopted as just a fact of my life that is important to me as say a favorite color. Yesterday i was with some friends and they asked if I have certain things in my family history and I just said
"idunno I'm adopted"
I was shocked at how they responded with sorry's and got really akward and empathetic when in reality It didn't seem important to me. Like, why does the fact that I came out if some ladies v****a other than my mom (and as a side note, the lasy that raised you is your mom, not the person that birthed you IMO) even matter?
So I guess what I want people to know is chill because it's not a big deal.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 week ago
I'm the same way as OP, really laidback about it XD I do make jokes (which sometimes shocks people, lol) but in my case, it's REALLY obvious I'm adopted since I'm pale as a piece of printer paper, have blonde hair and gray/blue/green eyes, and... the rest of my family is Hispanic/Mexican XD XD Yes, my cousins made a LOT of jokes and teased me growing up - if I was standing near a white-painted wall, they'd say "Lakota??? Lakota?? Where are you, Lakota? Where'd you go? We can't see you!!" XD And I had one cousin (yes, I'm talking about you, Steven!) who used to ask me if I was wearing socks or not, because he "couldn't tell" XD It never bothered me - the teasing was not done in a spirit of meanness and ALL of my family treated me 100% as a full family member. Even if I look like a lit beacon of Gondor next to them XD
#5
Short back story. Adopted from South Korea at around 3 months old and into a Caucasian family. Have a twin brother (we were adopted together), have a younger brother (biological son to our adopted parents) and have lived in the US our entire lives.
Friends and people who know we were adopted always ask us how come don't want to find our birth mother and have never wanted to. From our understanding, she was very young (teenager) when she became pregnant, and with the surprise of twins, giving us up for adoption was the best thing for us to have a better life. She may very well be situated with a new family of her own now and may have not disclosed she had twins as a teenager and gave them up for adoption. If we were to just suddenly show up in her life, it could cause issues or complications for her. I guess we will never know but we see it is a blessing which gave us a better life. All adoptions are different so this is just our take our reasoning to not wanting to seek out our birth mother.
#6
That sometimes "you're adopted!" is an appropriate and funny comment. Ex: Me: "I hate chicken wings"
My adoptive mother, who would probably live on chicken wings if she could: "Yeah well, you're adopted"
Family friend who knows I'm adopted but apparently has no idea how to talk about it: looks shocked and aghast
I like to talk about my experience. I like to open the conversation, because there are a lot of people who have no idea how to talk about it, and don't really understand why it's an important conversation sometimes. I get the impression that people want to know but tiptoe around it like they do so many other conversations, like racial identity or religion. These conversations are so often fraught with tension because of ignorance and highly defensive attitudes. People don't understand that some people's family identity is fundamentally different. It's not bad, and it doesn't have to be a big deal, but it's still reality and I think that people should talk about it more. The more people understand the experience of others, the better our world gets.
Adoption isn't at all a bad thing. So many kids get new chances at life and that's beautiful. But we all deserve to understand each other. Keep talking about it, and thanks for posting, OP!
PM or comment with questions, concerns, criticism, favorite pie recipes....
#7
Grew up adopted by well meaning but clumsy parents. Was common to be told about when they "got" me. Like a purchase or something. Lots of ignorant extended family comments about my looks versus my parents. Since this has always been my experience, I know nothing else.
Was able to use our state adoption registry to connect with birth mother. Was a sad experience. Not sorry I did it, it's good to know the facts.
Reconnecting with a birth parent is not like the movies, it won't fill some parental hole in your heart.
#8
[sad thoughts]
I always wonder if my biological mom ever held me. I wonder why she gave me up, if it was for the best. I wonder what she looks like and if she still thinks of me or just tried to forget me. I recently had my 18th birthday and I couldn’t help but think “she has to be thinking of me.” I really hope I can get in contact with her one day. I feel like part of me is missing.
#9
There are plenty of misconceptions about adoption, mostly spread by the media and jokes on the internet.
So we got two different types of adoptions: closed, where the records are sealed and neither party knows much about the other, and open, where one or both parties knows about the other.
I'm in a closed adoption, and I was given up in Iowa, adopted by a family in Illinois, and I was told from a very young age. Most families, if not all, will tell you. Keeping it a secret isn't really a thing that happens.
Most of the time, when folks find out I'm adopted, they express that they're sorry for me, but I let them know that it's actually a good thing. When I was a kid, my parents explained to me that the reason I was adopted wasn't that I was simply born into a family, but my parents *chose* me, and worked long and hard to bring me into their lives. I have a lot of respect for my family, for that, but it brings some additional tensions.
There can be some questions that are brought up throughout your life that you can't answer easily. Doctors asking for your medical history, friends asking why you look different from your family, not being certain if your personality and thought processes are different due to nature, instead of nurture. It's a constant reminder that there's a void in the back if your mind, a mystery that may not have a very good answer behind it.
Every time I get angry, I wonder if my biologicals were aggressive. Every time I pick up a drink, I wonder if my biologicals were alcoholics.
Every time I consider children, I wonder if I have a latent genetic disease, or if I'm passing on the lineage of a rapist or worse.
Every time I consider requesting to unseal the court order, I hesitate. Am I tarnishing my family's efforts to raise me, by searching for the biologicals that didn't want me? Would I want to really know? Do my biologicals sit up at night as I did, wondering where their kin are?
**If I meet one or both, would I make them proud for how I lived?**
If you think about it, it can eat you up.
Karl 1 week ago
My FIL was adopted and only found out from a neighbour when he was 18. He took it badly and still won’t talk about it - even though he’s in his 80s now. The gist is that his real father gave him to his aunt (after his mother died of TB) and never contacted him again after that. His real father then went on to have another family so he has step-siblings he’s never met - even though he has likely unknowingly interacted with them over the years. Secrets and lies eh?
#10
That it can absolutely be a total non-factor.
I was adopted at 5 days of age. I don't ever think about my biological parents. The entire subject is of little interest to me, kind of like when you're a kid and your grandparents ask what you learned in school that day. Good for small talk, but that's about it.
#11
This isn't necessarily the same for everyone, because I was adopted after my earliest memory, unlike a lot of people, but for me at least, I don't like to see this false dichotomy about who your "real" parents are. It's not so simple, and I don't know that I have any relationship that applicable to the relationships of people with bio parents. All 4 of my parents, adopted, and biological, are people who I have unique relationships with, and I only use the same labels as other people, because that's the simplest way of explaining the situation.
#12
1. My adopted family IS my family. Do not refer to my biological family as my "real" family.
2. It is complicated forever. Trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in is a daily thing for the rest of my life. Every person deals with it differently.
3. Blood isn't everything. I know that is hard to believe and understand for people who have only known family by blood but I live by it and treat my best friends as family too.
And personally, I am very open about my adoption because I believe that my parents handled it very well so I grew up with a healthy knowledge of where I came from.
When people ask, I am very open and candid about everything to help people understand.
#13
I am "half-adopted" as we like to call it. Basically my mom is my mom, but when she got remarried her new husband adopted me, instead of just being my stepdad. People don't understand that you don't need to be an orphan or have something terrible happen to you to be adopted.
#14
The strange, confused looks you get from doctors when they see you put on your family medical history form "unknown." Like, you've never heard of closed adoption? This can't be that unusual like you've never seen or heard of it before.
#15
I was born in Cambodia but was adopted when I was about 8 months old. I lived basically my whole life in the USA. I still find it sorta funny that whenever I’m in line with my parents, everybody thinks I’m just a separate kid. Occasionally I would walk next to my parents and people would ask me if I was lost.
#16
Different perspective here. I was adopted by my grandparents at 18 months in order to not be a pawn in my bio parents divorce. It was the first adoption of that kind in our province but my grandpa wouldn't back down, he wanted full rights and nothing less. Neither of my bio parents fought him on it, they both willingly signed me away. I lived a great life for eight years with my grandparents being my only mom and dad, I always felt loved and wanted. When I was about 8 my bio mom decided to start the process to get me back. My grandpa slowly started allowing me to visit for the weekends and eventually asked me if I would like to live with my bio mom and my step-dad. I chose my bio mom over my parents who chose to fight for me all those years ago. Why? Because I thought my bio mom would want me this time, that's the lasting effect my adoption has had on me. When my grandma died it finally hit me that her and my grandpa had been my parents all along, even though I chose to live away from them. The grief hit me like a tonne of bricks, forcing me to realize that I had lost my mom forever. My bio mom is only kind of in my life now and even if she was there full time I don't think I would ever truly consider her my mom. Being aware that she chose to not fight for me or want me in her life until it was convenient for her has left lasting resentment towards her. I have nothing but love and respect for my grandparents (my true parents) for being there for me when no one else wanted me. Their love and devotion has left a lasting impact on my life and has greatly effected the way I raise my own children. I will always be greatful to my grandparents for making the choices they did to give me a life I would not have had otherwise.
Edit to more directly answer the question: sometimes you are better off not knowing why you were adopted and for myself I'm greatful that I was adopted, I would not be who I am today without my grandparents.
Huddo's sister 6 days ago
An old coworker of mine was adopted by his grandparents when he was very young. His biological mum was their daughter, and she had severe addictions and was homeless a lot and wasn't able to care for him. Even though he still called them nan and grandpa, he considered them his parents. He felt really lucky to have them raising him, rather than ending up in the foster care system. He had some contact with his bio mum, but never wanted more from her as he saw how unfit she was for motherhood. He didn't have particularly bad feelings towards her, just resignation that she couldn't be his mum. He met his biological dad when he was an adult and has a fairly good relationship with him, knows he just was too young to be a dad when he was born. His bio dad had another son with someone else about 10 years later, and ended up with custody of him. My coworker got to know his half brother and saw he wasn't doing too well living with his dad, so when he was 16, my coworker took him in.
#17
Heres a story that happened to me.
When I was 28, I was working one day at a job unloading a truck that just came in with a lot of stuff. I was the only young guy at the store, so I was going to be really busy.
As I was stocking shelves and listening to music, I see this man coming towards me, calling my name. Since its retail, and most of my co-workers tell them to look for me by name I didn't think of anything at first. But then as he started to get closer, my brain did that thing of going "Hey buddy, he looks a lot like you don'tcha think?" I took my glasses off, wiped them, and put them back on, only to realize. Yes, he does look like me. I helped him find something and as he was leaving, he turned around and asked me if I had any idea who he was, and I told him he looked like me. He told me he was my father, and has been trying to contact me for 18 years, but was afraid of how I would react.
I broke down that day.
He told me he was always there keeping an eye on me. He was even at my graduation, and I never knew it. I've talked with him a few times since that day, since I still don't know how to handle the situation fully.
#18
My situation was unique, in that my aunt/uncle took care of me after I was born, because my biological father was in a coma after suffering a heart attack and my mom couldn't deal with all of it. He ended up dying years later, and while I mostly lived with my aunt/uncle, I went back and forth in my early years before they all decided it would be best if my aunt/uncle became my legal guardians.
So my aunt/uncle are mom/dad. They are great parents and I have enormous respect for what they did for me, but it was also confusing as a child. I had a relationship with my biological mom and saw her at holidays and for a week or two every summer. She was always very loving as well. But it was hard over time to feel pulled in two directions, and who I should identify with. There was always a pressure to be a son to my biological mom too, but my aunt/uncle always felt like me 'real' parents. There was always some guilt there, and lots of 'what if' thoughts from too young an age. Mostly they were good about it and it wasn't too hard, but it was often confusing.
I also wonder if a lot my attachment issues aren't related to those early childhood years of not having a stable caregiver. I am a pretty radically independent person.
Huddo's sister 6 days ago
My best friend's family were foster carers and they took in a three month (iirc) boy when my friend and I were 15. His mum had d**g addictions and was only allowed limited contact. They ended up fighting in court for permanent custody (not able to adopt from the foster system in Australia the same way you can in the US) and after about three cases, got it. He called my friend's parents mum and pa, and considered my friend and her siblings his sisters. He did have some contact with his bio mum after the court case, but he was s******y a****d by her partner and wasn't allowed to stay with her at all after that. Recently he turned 18 and after problems with the man who was effectively his stepdad (my friend's mum remarried) one of his sisters has taken him in and he is infinitely happier. The relationship with my friend's parents was never perfect, but he was always supported by his sisters.
#19
A lot of people kept asking me if i was going to look for my biological parents. i never really cared to. it was not until i had kids that i wanted to know some family medical history. i did a DNS + medical work up and found some interesting results for ethnicity. around the time my dad (adopted) died i found some documents in a lock box and eventually traced down my biological mom ... she died the week before i found all this info. what most people don't get is that i'm ok with this. i had great parents who raised me, loved me, encouraged me. what more do you really need ?
i've found that this back ground makes it easier for me to love and consider close friends as family. yea they are not blood related to me ... neither are my parents or brother or sisters ... love is love.
#20
My adopted parents are my "real" parents. I've noticed that when people hear I'm adopted the first question is usually "Do you know your REAL parents?".
Yes, that'd be the folks who raised me. I know them quite well. To answer your question, I have indeed met my biological parents.
#21
This is just my experience as a bi-racial guy in an all white family but the looks I get from other people (even some in the distant family) is something that will always make me feel a bit inferior. Had the pleasure of traveling with my family to both Alabama and Nashville, and people stared at me as if I don't belong.
To piggyback off of that, I always thought my parents told their siblings about how I came to be in the family (and they told they're kids) but they didn't and at the last annual get together one of the younger kids (4-5) asked me is it because my parents didn't want me that I am in their family.
(She also asked if was I making brownies because I was brown. Had a good laugh about that one, her parents didn't.)
Should mention I was taken into my family at age 18 (23 now).
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 week ago
I'm white af but was adopted by a Mexican/Hispanic family. I was raised in the Mexican culture (I even had a quinceañera!) I grew up speaking Spanish. I regularly shock old Mexican ladies when I respond to them in Spanish XD I live in an area with a significant Hispanic population, and when I worked retail, we'd sometimes get customers with questions, but they only spoke Spanish. I was the go-to "translation employee" - even the other departments would run across the store to grab me to translate for them XD It was always amusing to see the customer's eyes get wide as this lily-white blonde woman trots up to them and starts speaking perfect Spanish XD (I would start off by saying, in Spanish, "I'm adopted...")
#22
The loss of identity that can potentially happen.
For me, I’ve grown up knowing nothing about my biological family, and therefore knowing nothing about my family history or roots. I have a slim to none chance of ever finding them, since I was born in China and my birth name was given to me by the orphanage I was placed at, having no connection to my actual biological family.
Also, I’m Chinese and my adopted family is white. I struggled with (and still do) being comfortable with myself and my race. I wished for a long time I could be white, and had a lot of self-hate. So, I think a lot of people may not understand how being of a different race/ethnicity of your adopted family shapes how you view yourself.
Overall, I don’t think many people understand how complex it can be.
#23
My wife and I are *both* adopted, our children are the only known blood relatives either of us know. I love my adoptive family and am seen and accepted as *family*, but considering the value placed on heritage and lineage in this world, it was overwhelming the first time I realized that I was about to meet my first genetic relation the day my eldest daughter was born.
#24
I'm adopted from China, found on a park bench when I was 3 according to my Chinese records (which were translated into English). People constantly ask me if I know who my parents are and if I want to find them. Its irritating because honestly, I would love love LOVE to know, but I don't even know how to start if I wanted to. I think, I was either clearly given up (on account of being a girl) or they died in a flood that happened around the time I was found that I looked up once. I usually try to respond with an upbeat "nope!" when people ask, but it kind of gets under my skin when they press for more answers. (Particularly when they want to know "WHY?", MYOB.)
I'm so fascinated when I see families that look like one another, when you can clearly see the genes passed through the generations, or even things like living habits or facial expressions that are copied from parent to child or sibling to sibling.
I often wonder about my genes, and if I have any hereditary diseases that could be potentially passed down to future children (luckily I found out genetics testing exists!) And as an Asian, sometimes when I date Asian guys, I have a small small voice in the back of my head that wonders "could I possibly be related to you?"
Also, being raised by a white family, I feel a huge loss of culture. There's so much I want to know about, and so much that can be taught and read about in books/ culture lessons, etc, but overally I just KNOW there's tons of tiny nuanced things about my Chinese culture that I'll never "get" because I don't have that familial tradition of celebrations and rituals during the Chinese specific holidays.
Related to that, I think about the future, and what kinds of culture my kids will have. I want them to have my heritage, but is that possible if I feel like I don't wholly have it myself?
I also firmly believe that people who spend hundreds of thousands on in vitro fertilization and refuse to consider adoption SOLELY because the kid isn't "theirs" are wrong. You choose your family just as much as you choose your friends, adoption is no different. My family raised me, they are my family. There's so many kids out there who need a loving home.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 week ago
As an adopted child, I NEVER understood how some people were obsessed with wanting children, but ONLY their biological/genetic children - so they'd do IVF, fertility treatments, surrogacy, etc. Like, if you WANT to have a child so badly, why do you not even CONSIDER adoption? When I got older and matured a little, I accepted that there are some people who just WANT a bio child and that's it. That's the end of it. I'll never change their mind/opinion, and that's okay. They can want to only have bio children. It's just how they feel. But it was baffling to me as a teen/young adult, for sure XD
#25
I am seeing a mix bag of answers here. I was adopted at about 4 months old from Colombia. I was adopted into an all white family Three older siblings (not adopted,Blonde hair, blue eyes)
For me I have never struggled with my identity, I look different then my family (love my dark skin) I also don't ever really think about my biological mom or family. I know in shows and movies all the adopted child wants is to go off and find there biological parents, honestly it never crosses my mind.
My mom wants me to find my biological mom, but I just don't have any interest, I have my family here and its never bothered me, I have such a happy life, I am grateful beyond belief. I just think its good to hear once in awhile , after hearing stories of kids not getting along with adopted parents or the kid feeling like they are missing a piece of themselves, it breaks my heart some people feel that way, I wish others like me could help.
#26
I just recently found my birth mother. I sent her a letter a few weeks ago, and I’m waiting to hear back. If I don’t, I’ll leave her alone (and I said that in the letter). The biggest thing for me was seeing my name on my original birth certificate. I just lost it. Seeing that I was literally someone else was so mind-blowing. I’ve been having quite an identity crisis. As much as I love my family, seeing my original name makes me wonder who I am. As supportive as my family is, I think it’s hard for them to understand that feeling of questioning, of feeling split in your own skin.
#27
Adoption doesn't give a child a better life, just a different one.
I can't see that people look like they're family. I've never seen anyone that looks like my family.
I don't know where my maths skill came from, my dancing skill or my love of exploration.
I don't know where my freckles came from, my oaks skin, my strange eyebrow (that my daughter has).
My first parents were very young, they did what they thought was best. They wanted me in an open, loving, non religious home.
The people who adopted me were racist, bigoted and very religious. That over rode my first parents wishes because they gave the social worker a car to get a baby sooner.
They then had a natural child, and because of their religious beliefs I was a mistake. They didn't treat me well.
Adopting a child is not the same as having a child the normal way. It is not better or worse, but it is different.
SnarkyPixelPanda 5 days ago
Sometimes it definitely gives a child a better life. I have friends who adopted 2 kids from Haiti whose parents were absolutely unable to take care of them. They have a MUCH better life here.
#28
The fact that I have a strong pull toward my biological family and wanted to find them doesn’t mean I had a “bad adoption” it doesn’t mean I’m “ungrateful” . I love my adopted family. They are my family. But there is a piece of me that’s been missing for a long time and I’m glad you can’t understand because that means you haven’t felt this crazy desperation to know your roots that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
#29
The man and woman who raised me are my real parents. The man and woman who donated the DNA are my biologicals.
#30
How deeply it hurt when people make fun of me for being adopted. I was always the subject of small town gossip. Adults were more careless than malicious. They'd tell their children (my friends) my story then I'd hear the kids taunting me about how my *real* mom didn't want me. I developed a personality that wouldn't allow me to accept any praise because I don't feel like I deserve. My mother didn't want me, after all. I understand that it's not true on a conscious level but it's very difficult to overcome a *feeling* that was burned into you as a child. I never formed many relationships because I felt like my adoptive parents were the only people who would every actually want me.
#31
As my extended adoptive family and I age, they laugh about whose hairline they have or who their kids are starting to look like. They look at me and pause as they remember I'm adopted. For the first time, I longed for blood-relatives.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 week ago
I'm exactly like my adoptive dad in mannerisms, preferences, etc., even though we're not biologically related. We were even both left-handed XD (I say "were" because he d!ed in 2021.) My humongous forehead (which I refer to as "my fivehead") is absolutely genetic, though - I've seen pics of my bio mom and one of my bio sister and they have gigantic foreheads too XD
#32
Oh! This just happened to me! I got in contact with my bio father's family, finding out he had been dead for fifteen years. That was bad, but I have a half brother! Brother wanted to send me something my dad made. I eagerly await it's arrival. Opening the package, holding back tears, knowing I will be holding something my birth father created....
It's a freaking potty. Like a little wooden kids toilet. I started laughing, because what. But then I spent some time crying because the only connection I have with a dead man who I've never met is something that probably got pooped in. It's... Hard to explain that to someone who sees a tiny toilet and laughs at the weirdness of the gift, not realizing the significance... And lack thereof.
#33
I'm not offended by people asking questions, except one. "Do you call the people who adopted you mom and dad?" I was adopted at birth, I've told you this. I only have 2 parents I care about and I don't care who gave birth to me. What really makes them my mother and father is the fact that they raised me.
#35
I was adopted almost exactly 20 years ago. My sisters and I were forcefully taken by the police, so my case is a bit different then others. I have significant scars (at least to me) and attachment issues. But I'm not damaged goods. I am not broken. I am more then what I came from.
Also before i met the man I am going to marry, I would insist on meeting the family of anyone I was seeing, JIC.
AMA.
#36
One of the biggest things is the misconception that people seem to think I had a choice in my family. I was 14 when I was adopted, so it was basically a miracle that anyone wanted me because everyone wants a baby or something like that. So the question "Are you happy with your current family?" annoys me a little bit because I didn't really have a choice.
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Emilu 1 week ago (edited)
I'd love to see what Lakota (and anyone else adopted, though I know Lakota's mentioned it so hence my calling her out specifically) thinks about this. Personally, I'm firmly in the camp of saying that I lacked nothing with my "adoptive" (real) parents. As far as I'm concerned, my biological parents were essentially sperm/egg donors (not in the bad way like we sometimes use those terms on BP), though I'm super grateful in that they gave me the opportunity for a better life by putting me up for adoption. Sure; it's not all sunshine and roses. I'm Korean but don't know the language, and when my family and I traveled to SK everyone was expecting me to speak Korean (which is understandable, I guess), which is... uncomfortable. However, I wouldn't trade my parents for the world. I lost my dad over fifteen years ago and it still hurts. I luckily still have my amazing mother. I lack for nothing (except my dad, but... yeah).
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 week ago (edited)
I'm thrilled to be an adopted child, what with how horrible and ábus!ve my (adoptive) mother was and still is XD I get to say "Hey, at least I don't have her DNA!" It's a double-edged sword, though, as my adoptive dad was the best dad and I don't have his DNA either :( I have a sideways story from yours - my adoptive family is Mexican, and I grew up speaking Spanish - but I'm white as wall paint, blonde, and blue(ish)-eyed, so it sometimes shocks other Hispanic people when I speak perfect Spanish to them XD Growing up as a different race than my parents definitely gave me the mindset of not really seeing race/ethnicity as an "excluding factor". My ex is Chinese - some white people I know would NEVER date someone who isn't white, but to me, his race didn't matter. I'm ambivalent about meeting my bio mom and sisters - I've always sort of wanted to? except not really XD I would be fine with it, but it's not something I'm frothing at the mouth to do, if that makes sense. I'm not ashamed to be adopted, and I'm not ashamed that my bio mom was an a!coholic junkíe who was on a LOT of drúgs and lived in horrible poverty. She had two other kids and could barely provide for them, so she did the right thing (for all of us!) and gave me up for adoption. I've talked to her and one of my bio sisters online. We all have giant foreheads XDDDD If you want to know something that's REALLY crazy, though - so I've used the name "Lakota" as my online name since I was 10 (since 1992.) One of my bio sisters had a son 20ish years ago... and named him Dakota. She didn't know my online name, she just liked the name "Dakota". How nuts is that? XD If I ever meet him, I'm definitely going to Groucho Marx-wiggle my eyebrows and say "I'm your Aunt Lakota" and see what he says XD
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Lazy Panda 2 1 week ago
This is genuinely interesting, reading all the different perspectives. Thanks for putting together.
nut nibbler 1 week ago
I am not adopted, though ! was raised by relatives that were not my mom. I never knew who my father was, no one ever passed on that information until I was 50 or so. From what I understand I was from a 14 night (or so) stand and not either of the 2 people I thought it could have been. From a quick online search he's still alive and just about 2 miles away (if the search was correct).I'm still me. Sure I wonder what if etc but then the past is that. Funny though seeing what could be half siblings who have no clue.
Ashtophet 1 week ago
As an adoptee (as an infant), if anything it’s interesting how my feelings have changed over the years. I was never determined to find my bio parents, even after that became possible with legal changes to how records are kept. Now I’m old enough that they are probably dead, it’s actually a relief!
Tian Little 6 days ago
Born and adopted from China. People always ask me if I ever want to find my real parents. The thought has occurred to me as a kid, but no never. I've accepted my fate. There's millions of people in a single city and I understood the one child policy law. Although my adopted parents still enjoy bragging for their bravery who "saved" a baby, and how lucky I am to have been chosen out of the lottery from the hundreds of babies. I don't like sugar coating it but I try to tell my story with positivity and hide the fact my adopted mom told me she regretted her choice. Her harsh words still have a bigger mark on me than the physical giant scar I've had since a baby. Every adoption story is uniquely different.
Emilu 6 days ago
I'm so sorry. That's an awful thing for her to say to you. I hope you have your 'found family' upon whom you can rely.
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Lukas (he/him, it/its) 6 days ago
I was adopted at five years old after my biological mother died of a d**g o******e when I was four. My adoptive parents and I have had my issues, but I love them deeply, and all of my family. I do have my questions about my biological family. I have three half-brothers who were put up for adoption at birth. I wonder about them. I wonder what my biological mother was like, what she would think of me now. My biological dad is the reason they kept me instead of giving me up for adoption, he went to jail for d**g possession when I was one. I always wonder why they kept me. If my biological mother realized when she was doing the d***s that she'd done too much, if she ever even thought about how I would be the one to find her. If she'd feel bad that I was.
SnarkyPixelPanda 5 days ago
Adopted at birth. Thought about trying to find my bio family a couple times. Curious if I have siblings that look like me. Never did, though. Both myself and the older of my brothers are adopted. He met his bio-mom and 1/2 sisters; off and on contact with his mother, not friendly with his sisters. He always had resentment to his bio-mom, even when he was little and knew nothing about her. Always had resentment he was adopted, thought no one loved him, especially when my little brother was born (NOT adopted, big surprise) and had a lot of resentment there. He is now almost 60 years old and still struggling. Me, on the other hand, never felt my adopted family was anything but my REAL family. Did get a surprise when I did a DNA test and found out I was not German/Norwegian but instead, Flemish, Scots, and Romanian (specifically- Transylvanian!) which explains my tendency to burn in the sun and my garlic allergy...LOL.
Emilu 1 week ago (edited)
I'd love to see what Lakota (and anyone else adopted, though I know Lakota's mentioned it so hence my calling her out specifically) thinks about this. Personally, I'm firmly in the camp of saying that I lacked nothing with my "adoptive" (real) parents. As far as I'm concerned, my biological parents were essentially sperm/egg donors (not in the bad way like we sometimes use those terms on BP), though I'm super grateful in that they gave me the opportunity for a better life by putting me up for adoption. Sure; it's not all sunshine and roses. I'm Korean but don't know the language, and when my family and I traveled to SK everyone was expecting me to speak Korean (which is understandable, I guess), which is... uncomfortable. However, I wouldn't trade my parents for the world. I lost my dad over fifteen years ago and it still hurts. I luckily still have my amazing mother. I lack for nothing (except my dad, but... yeah).
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 week ago (edited)
I'm thrilled to be an adopted child, what with how horrible and ábus!ve my (adoptive) mother was and still is XD I get to say "Hey, at least I don't have her DNA!" It's a double-edged sword, though, as my adoptive dad was the best dad and I don't have his DNA either :( I have a sideways story from yours - my adoptive family is Mexican, and I grew up speaking Spanish - but I'm white as wall paint, blonde, and blue(ish)-eyed, so it sometimes shocks other Hispanic people when I speak perfect Spanish to them XD Growing up as a different race than my parents definitely gave me the mindset of not really seeing race/ethnicity as an "excluding factor". My ex is Chinese - some white people I know would NEVER date someone who isn't white, but to me, his race didn't matter. I'm ambivalent about meeting my bio mom and sisters - I've always sort of wanted to? except not really XD I would be fine with it, but it's not something I'm frothing at the mouth to do, if that makes sense. I'm not ashamed to be adopted, and I'm not ashamed that my bio mom was an a!coholic junkíe who was on a LOT of drúgs and lived in horrible poverty. She had two other kids and could barely provide for them, so she did the right thing (for all of us!) and gave me up for adoption. I've talked to her and one of my bio sisters online. We all have giant foreheads XDDDD If you want to know something that's REALLY crazy, though - so I've used the name "Lakota" as my online name since I was 10 (since 1992.) One of my bio sisters had a son 20ish years ago... and named him Dakota. She didn't know my online name, she just liked the name "Dakota". How nuts is that? XD If I ever meet him, I'm definitely going to Groucho Marx-wiggle my eyebrows and say "I'm your Aunt Lakota" and see what he says XD
Load More Replies... Lazy Panda 2 1 week ago
This is genuinely interesting, reading all the different perspectives. Thanks for putting together.
nut nibbler 1 week ago
I am not adopted, though ! was raised by relatives that were not my mom. I never knew who my father was, no one ever passed on that information until I was 50 or so. From what I understand I was from a 14 night (or so) stand and not either of the 2 people I thought it could have been. From a quick online search he's still alive and just about 2 miles away (if the search was correct).I'm still me. Sure I wonder what if etc but then the past is that. Funny though seeing what could be half siblings who have no clue.
Ashtophet 1 week ago
As an adoptee (as an infant), if anything it’s interesting how my feelings have changed over the years. I was never determined to find my bio parents, even after that became possible with legal changes to how records are kept. Now I’m old enough that they are probably dead, it’s actually a relief!
Tian Little 6 days ago
Born and adopted from China. People always ask me if I ever want to find my real parents. The thought has occurred to me as a kid, but no never. I've accepted my fate. There's millions of people in a single city and I understood the one child policy law. Although my adopted parents still enjoy bragging for their bravery who "saved" a baby, and how lucky I am to have been chosen out of the lottery from the hundreds of babies. I don't like sugar coating it but I try to tell my story with positivity and hide the fact my adopted mom told me she regretted her choice. Her harsh words still have a bigger mark on me than the physical giant scar I've had since a baby. Every adoption story is uniquely different.
Emilu 6 days ago
I'm so sorry. That's an awful thing for her to say to you. I hope you have your 'found family' upon whom you can rely.
Load More Replies... Lukas (he/him, it/its) 6 days ago
I was adopted at five years old after my biological mother died of a d**g o******e when I was four. My adoptive parents and I have had my issues, but I love them deeply, and all of my family. I do have my questions about my biological family. I have three half-brothers who were put up for adoption at birth. I wonder about them. I wonder what my biological mother was like, what she would think of me now. My biological dad is the reason they kept me instead of giving me up for adoption, he went to jail for d**g possession when I was one. I always wonder why they kept me. If my biological mother realized when she was doing the d***s that she'd done too much, if she ever even thought about how I would be the one to find her. If she'd feel bad that I was.
SnarkyPixelPanda 5 days ago
Adopted at birth. Thought about trying to find my bio family a couple times. Curious if I have siblings that look like me. Never did, though. Both myself and the older of my brothers are adopted. He met his bio-mom and 1/2 sisters; off and on contact with his mother, not friendly with his sisters. He always had resentment to his bio-mom, even when he was little and knew nothing about her. Always had resentment he was adopted, thought no one loved him, especially when my little brother was born (NOT adopted, big surprise) and had a lot of resentment there. He is now almost 60 years old and still struggling. Me, on the other hand, never felt my adopted family was anything but my REAL family. Did get a surprise when I did a DNA test and found out I was not German/Norwegian but instead, Flemish, Scots, and Romanian (specifically- Transylvanian!) which explains my tendency to burn in the sun and my garlic allergy...LOL.
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