“What I Wanted Wasn’t Important”: Teen Resents Babysitting Her Special Needs Stepsister, Loses It
Parents are the people that are supposed to guide a person through their first steps of adulthood and lift them up when needed. They should be there for their children when they have questions and doubts and build them up in a way that makes them kind and confident adults. Many do their best to help their children flourish. However, even the best of intentions don’t always get you what you want.
One could argue that the parents from @Narrow-Syrup1428’s story had great intentions. They wanted their eldest to learn some responsibility while building a strong bond with the step-sister. As a benefit, they would also be relieved of some of their parenting duties. Everyone wins, right? Not quite. Read on to discover how it all went down, why the redditor turned to r/AITA for advice, and what a licensed mental health counselor Jessa White had to say about it.
Older siblings can often get the task of keeping an eye on the younger ones when they’re around
Image credits: Wavebreakmedia (not the actual photo)
The girl in this story, however, was given way more serious responsibilities way too early in life
Image credits: akimovanadezhda (not the actual photo)
Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Narrow-Syrup1428
Image credits: Steve Lieman (not the actual photo)
What this redditor is describing sounds an awful lot like parentification. That is a parent-child dynamic in which the child assumes caregiving responsibilities while the parents fail to support them and restrict their independence. This seems exactly like what the parents in this situation did by giving their daughter no choice but to take care of her younger step-sister.
Bored Panda talked to Jessa White, a licensed mental health counselor associate and a private practice owner, to see her perspective on the matter. She believes that like many of her other adult clients that had to parent their siblings, the OP missed out on a carefree childhood. “She had to grow up too early. She had to take on the ‘parent’ role for her little sister during an age where she still needed to be parented. She was responsible for the well-being of another during a time where she is still learning her own emotions.”
According to White, later on in life, the OP might have a difficult time dealing with her childhood. “[Children that parent their siblings] don’t look back on those years as ‘fun’ or ‘light-hearted’ but burdensome and exhausting. Teenage life is all about learning who you are, but, thrown into this role, the protagonist becomes responsible for learning how to parent more.”
One also has to remember that this big responsibility was hoisted on her shoulders around two years after the girl’s mother died. Adjusting yourself after such a big loss and, soon after, becoming part of a blended family is already hard enough. Furthermore, she was also only ten years old, so coping with such life-defining events and emotions in her life must have been tough, even without the added responsibility. Sounds like her parents couldn’t provide support for that either.
Parentification might have some benefits but the harm to the child’s development can be significant, too
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
It is important to note that giving a child appropriate care responsibilities is not necessarily harmful. Scientists think that it can actually have positive long-term effects and build character and resilience. This, however, is only valid in cases when the responsibilities in question are age-appropriate, monitored, acknowledged, and supported. This doesn’t seem to be the case for the OP. However, White points out that this taught her the meaning of boundaries from early age. “It’s not fair, but the day she told her parents ‘I don’t want to do this anymore,’ she found her voice.”
Researchers theorize that the parentification burden is especially heavy on adolescents as parents tend to expect more from them than younger children. Parents might ask their teenagers to take on tasks that they are still not fully equipped to handle and leave them to it without providing any support or supervision. This is the time, however, when teens are still learning social and cognitive skills that are necessary to be a caretaker. This can lead to them growing up too fast and becoming too independent too quickly.
The overall negative effects of parentification on adults can be quite significant. It can result in low self-esteem, psychological distress, attachment issues, personality disturbances, and more. White also points out that many also tend to repeat parent-child dynamics in their adult relationships. “They might attract a partner that needs ‘mom’ing.’ This is because this relationship dynamic, while troublesome, is what they are used to. They might find their love language to be act of service because they spent so much of their youth demonstrating love by taking care of their stepsister.” In the OP’s situation, however, the opposite might happen as she deeply resents her situation. White notes that she might only be attracted to self-sufficient adults.
Another important thing to note is that parentification is a cycle. Parents that subject their children to it have experienced it themselves when they were young. As they do not process it correctly and heal from this trauma, they continue the habit by putting responsibilities on their children. That is why it is important to identify what you have gone through and seek professional help.
When asked about what advice she would give to the OP, White encouraged her to look at the positive and be proud of herself and what he has achieved. “Was it fair what happened to you? No. Not at all. You had to grow up WAY too fast and your youth was swallowed up in all of this. But you grew in responsibility, you practiced boundaries, you’re almost 18 and prepared to move out because you have grown. Be proud of yourself for all that you did. For the love that you showed. For the belief in yourself. I’m proud of you for recognizing that you don’t owe it to your parents and seeing through their manipulative tactics. Can you be proud of yourself? My advice is to keep going, let your inner child out when you’re ready, and praise yourself for everything this unfortunate situation has taught you.”
Many redditors showed support for the girl. She provided extra details on the situation in the comments
People deemed her NTA and here’s the rest of the discussion
So sad she had to endure 7 years of parentification. That no teacher or neighbour could have seen her, asked her and called CPS about a child forced to be a caretaker. Hope her new, free life turns out awesome!
my therapist helped me realize a lot of things around my childhood abuse, but one thing stood out that he pointed out: the adults around me, failed me. There were clear signs of abuse in the home, sexual subjugation, and more. Not one adult helped. I even remember asking an adult (mom's friend) to please not let me go home with her (she was VERY physically drunk and was about to drive). They looked at her and back at me and said it was going to be ok and continued their celebrations as it was a wedding. On the way home, we were stopped by cops. She reeked, they asked her why couldn't I drive (I was 12). She told them my age and they just accepted that and let us be on our merry way while I cried. I couldn't tell you the amount of times I had bruises, welts, and one summer a whole screwdriver stab wound on my arm after she chased me down the street, not one person intervened. Adults fail children more often than we should be comfortable with. I hope this young one gets out soon
Load More Replies...
I had to parent my family as a child, I did get therapy for the parentification but it left mental scars. I didn't leave on time, I'm still taking care of my mother to this day. So please, leave and don't look back. Your life matters too.
And before people shout 'but I took care of my siblings' yes, many do, and that's quite normal and often expected BUT there is a MASSIVE difference between occasionally babysitting / helping your parents out VS becoming the de facto parent (not in a legal sense). So unfair on this poor child, on both of the children actually. The parents need to step up, ridiculous to put all that on a teenager. Especially one that isn't actually related (not that that should make a big difference). I wish you nothing but the best OP, go live your own life now, you've done enough.
That and the mental strain of taking on a high needs child. I’m an adult and it can be a lot. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through. Also that high needs child should have access to care givers from the state and they still dumped it all on a child
Load More Replies... So sad she had to endure 7 years of parentification. That no teacher or neighbour could have seen her, asked her and called CPS about a child forced to be a caretaker. Hope her new, free life turns out awesome!
my therapist helped me realize a lot of things around my childhood abuse, but one thing stood out that he pointed out: the adults around me, failed me. There were clear signs of abuse in the home, sexual subjugation, and more. Not one adult helped. I even remember asking an adult (mom's friend) to please not let me go home with her (she was VERY physically drunk and was about to drive). They looked at her and back at me and said it was going to be ok and continued their celebrations as it was a wedding. On the way home, we were stopped by cops. She reeked, they asked her why couldn't I drive (I was 12). She told them my age and they just accepted that and let us be on our merry way while I cried. I couldn't tell you the amount of times I had bruises, welts, and one summer a whole screwdriver stab wound on my arm after she chased me down the street, not one person intervened. Adults fail children more often than we should be comfortable with. I hope this young one gets out soon
Load More Replies... I had to parent my family as a child, I did get therapy for the parentification but it left mental scars. I didn't leave on time, I'm still taking care of my mother to this day. So please, leave and don't look back. Your life matters too.
And before people shout 'but I took care of my siblings' yes, many do, and that's quite normal and often expected BUT there is a MASSIVE difference between occasionally babysitting / helping your parents out VS becoming the de facto parent (not in a legal sense). So unfair on this poor child, on both of the children actually. The parents need to step up, ridiculous to put all that on a teenager. Especially one that isn't actually related (not that that should make a big difference). I wish you nothing but the best OP, go live your own life now, you've done enough.
That and the mental strain of taking on a high needs child. I’m an adult and it can be a lot. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through. Also that high needs child should have access to care givers from the state and they still dumped it all on a child
Load More Replies...
73
72