Woman Meets Bio Brother Who She Last Saw 20 Years Ago, Gets Upset As He Doesn’t Take Her Right In
Interview With ExpertThe world is not a very fair place. Many factors impact where we end up in life, and unfortunately, a great deal of them are completely out of our control, no matter how much we wish it were otherwise.
A great example of this is the foster care system. As one Redditor shared, when he and his sister were given up by their biological parents, they happened to be separated from each other. While he was fortunate enough to be quickly adopted by some wonderful people, the girl never found a new family. When they met up some 20 years later, she couldn’t hold back her understandable jealousy that quickly made things uncomfortable for everyone involved. Scroll down to read the full story!
More info: Reddit
Life is not fair, but demanding others to make up for your troubles even though they deserve no blame is not right either
Image credits: Jessica Rockowitz (not the actual photo)
A guy was placed in foster care when he was two and got quickly adopted by a nice and loving family who gave him a great life
Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual photo)
Around 20 years later, he was sought out by his bio half-sister, who never got adopted despite being placed in the system at the same time
Image credits: Andrew Ly (not the actual photo)
The sister got very upset that her brother got it so much better than her and started making uncomfortable requests and complaints, telling him that he owed her
Image credits: u/throwaway45282258
The guy rejected her, saying that he was sorry for how her life turned out, but neither he nor his family were responsible for it, making the sister extremely mad
The OP began by sharing that he was placed in the foster care system when he was just 2 years old, but he got adopted by a relatively rich and generally really nice family who loved him and gave him every opportunity for a great life.
His biological half-sister, in the story referred to as Opel, was also placed in the foster home, but due to having a different last name and being brought up by a different person, she was not registered as his sibling and, thus, was separated from him.
Some 20 years later, the woman reached out to the poster, revealing to him who she was. However, when she discovered that while she was never adopted, her brother had a life most can only dream of, she got quite upset.
The sister started making frequent calls to the author, asking to hang out with him and his parents, requesting favors, and other similar things. The OP explained that since he didn’t really know the woman, things became uncomfortable rather quickly.
One night, Opel called her brother, complaining about being excluded from the get-together some women in the family recently had, to which the poster replied by saying that she should understand as she’s not really family to them.
This kind of response sent the sister screaming about the unfairness of all this and how her brother owes it to her to make sure that she’s as included in the family as he is because of how much better he turned out.
The OP replied that he was very sorry for what happened, both now and in the past, but neither he nor his family owed her anything. After he hung up the phone, Opel began blowing it up with texts, calling him an evil jerk, which made him doubt his decision.
The commenters unanimously agreed that contrary to what his sister said, the OP was not a jerk. They were very empathetic about her situation but also said that this type of behavior was not okay regardless, with many theorizing that she might have additional psychological problems she should start working on.
Image credits: Remy_Loz (not the actual photo)
Situations like these are rarely uncomplicated because every point of view of all those involved is almost always different. To help us untangle and refine some of the answers that we’re looking for here, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Elizabeth Donalds, who is an adoptee, a clinical psychologist, and an author. She focuses her talents and experience on helping other adoptees and their families going through this journey.
Dr. Liz explained that the foster system usually tries to keep siblings together and that their separation was unlikely to be accidental. “If they were placed in the foster system at different times by different people, the chances of them being separated would probably be pretty high.”
The expert continued by saying that the sister’s physical, mental, and/or behavioral health at the time of the placement is unknown to us, and it could’ve possibly required a different type of foster family than her brother’s. “She may have required a more therapeutic placement. That may explain why she was not adopted by the same [family] as the one the author was adopted into.”
Still, when looking for more reasons why Opel acted the way she did so many years later, the psychologist said that we have too few details to determine it properly and, for now, can only guess. “Perhaps she experienced neglect and/or abuse while in the foster care system. She may have no family support [and] no family to care about her, so she may be reaching out to the only ‘family’ she knows of.”
As for the author of the story and the situation he’s in, Dr. Liz said that their position is quite difficult, as his half-sister seems to be unable to respect his boundaries even though he was quite willing to connect. According to the expert, the best thing to do would be to set firmer boundaries and explain to her that if she keeps breaking them, she will be blocked.
“I would suggest letting her know ahead of time to give her the possibility of stopping her demanding and disrespectful texts. She seems unable to regulate her emotions and behaviors, while he [can],” summarized the psychologist, adding that while they are siblings, the poster is not required to maintain this relationship. “We let people close who we want to be close to, and we can create healthy boundaries to protect ourselves. We can create the “families” we want, whether we are biologically related or not.”
In the end, the situation in the foster care system is far from perfect. However, it is probably also wrong to blame everything on it because, just like Dr. Liz said, we really don’t know that much about the sister’s side of the story. But regardless of it, let’s just hope that she will address her problems sooner rather than later and get the life she deserves, hopefully on good terms with her brother, too.
What did you think about this story? Have you ever had any similar experiences? Share your thoughts down below!
The commenters agreed that the poster was not a jerk while also voicing concern for his sister’s mental well-being
I could understand her feelings, but the fact is one does not simply walk into a family and demand love and respect. If she had kept her cool, gotten to know you all gradually, and demonstrated she was a good and loving addition to the family, I imagine you all would have accepted her, even to the tune of giving her financial blessings. Perhaps her upbringing did not teach her such things. If I were you, I would not throw her away, nor give in to her demands. I would set a precedent of appropriate boundaries by offering a promise...to meet with her and buy her lunch (somewhere like Perkins, IHOP, etc), once per month, no matter what she does or does not do. And in those monthly meetings, agree to hear her story, and honestly reflect upon it, all while giving her the chance to know you and your family. Maybe, that would eventually lead to a closer relationship. Maybe it won't, but would at least never mean you are rejecting her entirely so long as you follow through.
I agree. If he can make her understand that she's expecting too much too soon maybe she will slow down.
Load More Replies...You are NOT responsible for her. Yeah, it's sad she didn't get the same opportunities and yeah, you lucked out. You still aren't responsible. You owe more to your parents. Block her. I'm soft and this advice doesn't sit happily with me, but it's the right advice.
Sometimes separately-adopted siblings do find each other as adults and form a connection, but it can't be forced like this. I feel for the sister, but she's being demanding, when she should have moved slowly and carefully into any relationship to see what would work for the both of them. He doesn't owe her what she is asking. It would have been nice if that was how it worked out eventually, but he doesn't owe her.
One of my closest friends was adopted basically as soon as he was born, from a young woman who gave him up, all the way out in Oklahoma. When we were in our early twenties he got in contact with his biological family. His mother had 4 other kids after him 2 boys 2 girls and obviously she raised them. It was a funny situation because his siblings were mad at him for having a better upbringing but he was upset that his mother kept his siblings and gave him up. His parents are like my Sicilian adoptive family too, some of the best people I've ever met. Adoption is a whole can of worms, you don't know what's gonna happen until you open it up.
I was adopted 10 days old back in the 40s. Funny how people always asked me if I wanted to connect with my bio family. It would be quite easily done as I knew the last name even prior to Ancestry & all that. I never wanted to to carry someone else's baggage. A big fat NO was & still is my answer. I was given a good life, happy, well adjusted with a family of my own. I'm sorry for the OP, (NTA), that he felt obligated to embrace this relationship because there really is none. She sounds like an opportunist playing on guilt, which he has no reason to feel. Stay clear, red flags have hoisted.
There is an understandable reaction by many to block her, but I would caution against any drastic action just yet. You don't know why she's reacting this way, and it may be a difficult emotional time for her. You are not responsible for her, so maintaining some distance right now is sensible, but to block her could rob you of any potential relationship with your sister. Time and patience are the key, and only if she continues to attack and blame you in the long term would I recommend blocking her.
I met FIVE half-siblings I knew nothing about until my early-20s. Everyone told me to think hard and go into carefully but me being me back then went in all guns blazing and was so excited. Never met a group of more toxic, cliquey and condescending people. NOTHING in common apart from some DNA which means nothing. We were so different, I'm of a religion that travels through the maternal line, years of rich family heritage and roots in another part of Europe and they were just so, so u open to having a sibling like that.
It's misplaced anger. I feel badly for her but she's being far too pushy and you can't force yourself into someone's life. Her feelings are completely valid but she needs to build her own life and make her own connections to form friends and family. Life is far from fair unfortunately and it's a hard pill to swallow but something everyone has to come to terms with sooner or later.
NTA... you need to block her immediately. Clearly mentally unstable & have entitlement issues too. If she can obsessively demand attention like that after just a small gathering I can't imagine what else she would want from you. You need to end this before it spirals out of control, definitely get a no contact or restraining order ASAP.
Op needs to RUN. This woman has been broken by the system and thinks these untrained strangers will be her professional-level glue. Don't take in unglued strangers just because they share some genes.
Guy has a chemical engineering career, a wife, a house and TWO kids at the ripe old age of 25. Congrats.
She had no right to demand but he also could have put out more effort and understanding as well.
Your bio sister seems a bit "off". I'd be worried about having her arou d your family and especially your children. Block her and be done with her. She's troubled, don't let her insinuate herself into your life.
I'm adopted and have- genetic 1/2 siblings. One had reached out wanting a bff sibling. Wanting does not mean getting. I have my siblings because they grew up with me. We are family because of how close we are not because of a number or a test. I have become close to my biological mother over time, but even then, she knows that my mom is someone else. It seems this woman needs therapy because she is desperate for a family she doesn’t have. Unfortunately for her, that isn’t your responsibility and she can’t change that or expect that, I just hope that her expectations and demands don’t intensify and cause harm for either you or her because she most likely is unstable based on the information you have provided. Make a clear boundary between you two and make sure your family is given the same information so that if this woman attempts to contact or connect in different ways, there is a clear plan moving forward. Good luck.
He isn't responsible, but the idea of him was what she held onto for years. She probably thought about him all the time and imagined reunions and separate live and adoptions and everything. He was so important to her, but she wasn't to him. How could she be, he was only 2. Tragic circumstances all around
I’m honestly a bit skeptical of this story. If she was abandoned, then her mother’s parental rights were probably terminated, and it’s extremely rare for a young child to not get adopted unless there are major health issues (and even then, they usually get adopted). There are A LOT of people who want to adopt. Most kids in foster care are either not actually up for adoption or older.
Two things here. One - I can not believe how empathy has gone by the wayside after reading the comments here. No - OP is NTA. But walk a minute in bio-sister's shoes to get a little perspective. I can understand that she feels short-changed by life. That leads to number 2 - sis needs some therapy to get through the fact that life isn't fair. Maybe bro can help her find a therapist - but sis needs to get a handle on this so she can find fulfillment and prosperity for the rest of her life.
ESH - How her life turned out is not your fault or the fault of your parents, but you could be a little more compassionate and try and consider what it feels like to be passed over your entire life. She sounds desperate, and you are cold just for dismissing her as "not your responsibility." I mean, she isn't, but you should be thinking, "There, but for the grace of god, go I..."
I could understand her feelings, but the fact is one does not simply walk into a family and demand love and respect. If she had kept her cool, gotten to know you all gradually, and demonstrated she was a good and loving addition to the family, I imagine you all would have accepted her, even to the tune of giving her financial blessings. Perhaps her upbringing did not teach her such things. If I were you, I would not throw her away, nor give in to her demands. I would set a precedent of appropriate boundaries by offering a promise...to meet with her and buy her lunch (somewhere like Perkins, IHOP, etc), once per month, no matter what she does or does not do. And in those monthly meetings, agree to hear her story, and honestly reflect upon it, all while giving her the chance to know you and your family. Maybe, that would eventually lead to a closer relationship. Maybe it won't, but would at least never mean you are rejecting her entirely so long as you follow through.
I agree. If he can make her understand that she's expecting too much too soon maybe she will slow down.
Load More Replies...You are NOT responsible for her. Yeah, it's sad she didn't get the same opportunities and yeah, you lucked out. You still aren't responsible. You owe more to your parents. Block her. I'm soft and this advice doesn't sit happily with me, but it's the right advice.
Sometimes separately-adopted siblings do find each other as adults and form a connection, but it can't be forced like this. I feel for the sister, but she's being demanding, when she should have moved slowly and carefully into any relationship to see what would work for the both of them. He doesn't owe her what she is asking. It would have been nice if that was how it worked out eventually, but he doesn't owe her.
One of my closest friends was adopted basically as soon as he was born, from a young woman who gave him up, all the way out in Oklahoma. When we were in our early twenties he got in contact with his biological family. His mother had 4 other kids after him 2 boys 2 girls and obviously she raised them. It was a funny situation because his siblings were mad at him for having a better upbringing but he was upset that his mother kept his siblings and gave him up. His parents are like my Sicilian adoptive family too, some of the best people I've ever met. Adoption is a whole can of worms, you don't know what's gonna happen until you open it up.
I was adopted 10 days old back in the 40s. Funny how people always asked me if I wanted to connect with my bio family. It would be quite easily done as I knew the last name even prior to Ancestry & all that. I never wanted to to carry someone else's baggage. A big fat NO was & still is my answer. I was given a good life, happy, well adjusted with a family of my own. I'm sorry for the OP, (NTA), that he felt obligated to embrace this relationship because there really is none. She sounds like an opportunist playing on guilt, which he has no reason to feel. Stay clear, red flags have hoisted.
There is an understandable reaction by many to block her, but I would caution against any drastic action just yet. You don't know why she's reacting this way, and it may be a difficult emotional time for her. You are not responsible for her, so maintaining some distance right now is sensible, but to block her could rob you of any potential relationship with your sister. Time and patience are the key, and only if she continues to attack and blame you in the long term would I recommend blocking her.
I met FIVE half-siblings I knew nothing about until my early-20s. Everyone told me to think hard and go into carefully but me being me back then went in all guns blazing and was so excited. Never met a group of more toxic, cliquey and condescending people. NOTHING in common apart from some DNA which means nothing. We were so different, I'm of a religion that travels through the maternal line, years of rich family heritage and roots in another part of Europe and they were just so, so u open to having a sibling like that.
It's misplaced anger. I feel badly for her but she's being far too pushy and you can't force yourself into someone's life. Her feelings are completely valid but she needs to build her own life and make her own connections to form friends and family. Life is far from fair unfortunately and it's a hard pill to swallow but something everyone has to come to terms with sooner or later.
NTA... you need to block her immediately. Clearly mentally unstable & have entitlement issues too. If she can obsessively demand attention like that after just a small gathering I can't imagine what else she would want from you. You need to end this before it spirals out of control, definitely get a no contact or restraining order ASAP.
Op needs to RUN. This woman has been broken by the system and thinks these untrained strangers will be her professional-level glue. Don't take in unglued strangers just because they share some genes.
Guy has a chemical engineering career, a wife, a house and TWO kids at the ripe old age of 25. Congrats.
She had no right to demand but he also could have put out more effort and understanding as well.
Your bio sister seems a bit "off". I'd be worried about having her arou d your family and especially your children. Block her and be done with her. She's troubled, don't let her insinuate herself into your life.
I'm adopted and have- genetic 1/2 siblings. One had reached out wanting a bff sibling. Wanting does not mean getting. I have my siblings because they grew up with me. We are family because of how close we are not because of a number or a test. I have become close to my biological mother over time, but even then, she knows that my mom is someone else. It seems this woman needs therapy because she is desperate for a family she doesn’t have. Unfortunately for her, that isn’t your responsibility and she can’t change that or expect that, I just hope that her expectations and demands don’t intensify and cause harm for either you or her because she most likely is unstable based on the information you have provided. Make a clear boundary between you two and make sure your family is given the same information so that if this woman attempts to contact or connect in different ways, there is a clear plan moving forward. Good luck.
He isn't responsible, but the idea of him was what she held onto for years. She probably thought about him all the time and imagined reunions and separate live and adoptions and everything. He was so important to her, but she wasn't to him. How could she be, he was only 2. Tragic circumstances all around
I’m honestly a bit skeptical of this story. If she was abandoned, then her mother’s parental rights were probably terminated, and it’s extremely rare for a young child to not get adopted unless there are major health issues (and even then, they usually get adopted). There are A LOT of people who want to adopt. Most kids in foster care are either not actually up for adoption or older.
Two things here. One - I can not believe how empathy has gone by the wayside after reading the comments here. No - OP is NTA. But walk a minute in bio-sister's shoes to get a little perspective. I can understand that she feels short-changed by life. That leads to number 2 - sis needs some therapy to get through the fact that life isn't fair. Maybe bro can help her find a therapist - but sis needs to get a handle on this so she can find fulfillment and prosperity for the rest of her life.
ESH - How her life turned out is not your fault or the fault of your parents, but you could be a little more compassionate and try and consider what it feels like to be passed over your entire life. She sounds desperate, and you are cold just for dismissing her as "not your responsibility." I mean, she isn't, but you should be thinking, "There, but for the grace of god, go I..."
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