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Woman Puts SIL In Her Place After Listening To Her Keep Playing The “Woe Is Me” Card For Sympathy
Various losses are, unfortunately, an inevitable part of our lives, and each of us copes with the whole range of feelings caused by these losses in different ways. Some seek support from others, some try to forget themselves in work, and some just grit their teeth and move on, without actually telling anyone.
Yes, everyone has their own way of surviving difficult times – and in this story from the user u/Physical_Book_3940, two different approaches actually collided. In the form of two women who at different times experienced miscarriages. And the internet was, in fact, very divided here.
More info: Reddit
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The author of the post is a happy mom of a 1YO daughter, but she also had 4 miscarriages before giving birth to her
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The spouses didn’t say a word about their difficulties to others, and only the mom’s parents and sisters know about this
Image credits: Physical_Book_3940
Image credits: Kampus Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Recently the husband’s SIL also miscarried, but her way of handling it was different as the woman shared her pain with many people around her
Image credits: Physical_Book_3940
Image credits: Kaboompics.com / Pxels (not the actual photo)
At a family gathering, the author’s kid tried to kiss the aunt but she said ‘no,’ claiming that the author probably doesn’t understand her feelings now
Image credits: Physical_Book_3940
The author opened up about having had 4 miscarriages then, but the SIL perceived it as an attempt to minimize her loss
So, the Original Poster (OP) is 34, she is married and a happy mom of a one-year-old daughter. But few people actually know that on the way to their current state, the couple had to go through real hell – four miscarriages in a row. The author admits that she is reluctant to talk about it, and the only ones who know the situation are her parents, sisters and, of course, her husband.
As they say, troubles never come alone – recently the husband’s SIL also miscarried, and for her, of course, it was also a colossal blow. However, unlike the OP, this woman didn’t hide her pain and grief, asking for support both on social media and in personal communication with friends and relatives.
And so, at a recent family gathering, the SIL burst into tears again, remembering this tragic moment – and the author’s little daughter came up to her to kiss her and calm her down. The girl didn’t understand what was happening, she just felt sorry for her crying auntie. But the SIL’s reaction was a flat-out ‘no’ in a rather annoyed voice.
Well, the mom quickly calmed her tot down by offering to kiss her instead, and the author’s husband, in turn, said that this was pretty rude of the SIL. She admitted that she was still in pain from the loss of her unborn baby, and the niece had triggered her somehow. The SIL also added that they just possibly didn’t understand how she felt right now, since their child was born alive and healthy.
That was when the OP broke down and admitted that she had actually had four miscarriages, so she understood everything perfectly well. And that she wanted to process it on her own because she knew “everyone else is going through things as well.”
Needless to say, everyone at the table was shocked by this revelation. However, after some time, the OP’s husband said that the SIL perceived this as some kind of attempt to “compete” with her, and that she perceived the author as passive aggressive with her words about “everyone else going through things,” thus allegedly minimizing her loss.
According to the woman, her husband literally laughed while telling this story, but the original poster herself felt a bit guilty over her words during that conversation. And she decided, in turn, to ask people online for advice on whether she had acted appropriately in this situation.
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
According to statistics from the Mayo Clinic, 10 to 20% of pregnancies tragically end in miscarriage, so it is really important to be able to communicate correctly and non-traumatically with parents who have gone through this devastating experience.
“Some people want to talk about their miscarriage and others don’t. Whatever your loved one wants to do, make sure you follow their lead,” the dedicated article on the Happiest Baby website claims. “Whatever you do, don’t minimize the loss of the pregnancy.” Yes, even if you have also faced the same misfortune.
In any case, any attempt to rationalize the situation, appeal to common sense, or share your own experience can be traumatic as well. “Occasionally comments that you make with the best of intentions may upset someone who has experienced a miscarriage. Often these are comments that try to explain or rationalise the miscarriage, or put a positive spin on it,” the UK-based Miscarriage Association’s website says.
The opinions of commenters on the original post were significantly divided. Some people, for example, believe that the author’s SIL was just attention-seeking. “She likes the attention, and it sounds like she didn’t like that you also have suffered. Probably feels attacked because you have handled it better or more privately at least. You did nothing wrong!” someone wrote.
At the same time, many responders are quite sure that the author did the wrong thing. “She’s not obligated to let anyone else touch her. She’s allowed to be having a rough go of it with her recent loss,” another person expressed their opinion sincerely. And what do you think about this? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.
People in the comments were very divided, as some of them accused the SIL of attention-seeking, and some claimed the author was being inappropriate here
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What do you think ?
KatSaidWhat 1 year ago (edited)
Yesterday I apologised to my office mate for being somewhat off as it was the anniversary of my uncle taking a revolver to head. She said "oh I can beat that, I had a miscarriage" to which I without thinking replied "well, if it's a competition, in the space of 5 days, I had a miscarriage, my stepmother died and I lost my job" ... apparently it wasn't a competition and she stropped out. (ETA apologies for the trauma dump, it happened over a decade ago)
TruthoftheHeart 1 year ago
People need to quit making grief a competition. Some people handle losses better than others, some people like to talk about it some people don't. The sister-in-law is being dramatic and needs to realize that miscarriages happen and move on try to conceive again if that's what she wants but not expect everyone to stop everything and console her for months on end. I struggle with fertility issues as well but that's your own personal issue it's not something everyone else owes you sympathy over.
FluffyDreg 1 year ago
Imo it's fairly reasonable to ask for a certaib amount of support from family. But asking for support =/= asking them to put their life on hold and cater to your every whim. It's also no excuse to claim superiority because "no one else has ever gone through it."
Load More Replies... FluffyDreg 1 year ago
Once again theres a lot of people with sh*ty reading comprehension. A. Is this even the SIL's house, or MIL? Someone was saying OP was TA for forcing her child into her SIL'S house... but it sounds like it was a family gathering and im not sure why MIL should be denied seeing her grand daughter. 2. Yes, OP was a little inseaitive and lacked a bot of empathy not realizing how different people are through their grief, demonstrated by her comment she had about her daughter "triggering" her SIL. However emotions are a fickle thing, we are allowed to feel a however we want. What's important is how we respond to it. And OP responded.... by redirecting her daughters attention to herself. It was her husband that called SIL'S tone rude. Which perhaps was inappropriate. 3. While insensiti e towards the details, OP clearly states they understand and believe how hard it is for SIL. She is not saying at any point this us for attention or an over reaction. (Cont)
FluffyDreg 1 year ago
(Cont 2nd) While sharing how Sue handed it herself. 4. SIL proceeded to take offense to OP'S facial expression, not words, to make a hurtful assumption she has no right knowing. As a weapon to invalidate OP's FACIAL expression. So OP defended herself by sharing that no, SILS assumption was wrong. This is in no way making it about herself. Making it about herself would have been to bring it up earlier without prompting. Not as a defense to an attack. 5. OP was then ASKED WHY she never mentioned it, and her response as to her own personal reasons, which is not a judgement against how other people respond, is because shes private and doesn't like to burden others. If OP had not been directly confronted and asked those questions, yes bringing them up would have been inappropriate and rude. But the questions WERE asked.
Load More Replies...
Kayleigh haigh 1 year ago
Sorry for both ops and op sil loses I lost 4 babies 3 miscarriage 1 born too early with us for half hr before passing this was before having my other children I couldn't carry twins and was blessed twice with them but fate decided they were too good for this world yes it is hard and people grieve differently I'm a strong person but I did request my mum not have my niece or nephew for a day or 2 as I was staying with her at the time and just wanted quiet and time but sister got my dad (divorced parents but good co parents) to pick my niece up who was a yr old at the time and take her to my mums I was a little upset but it was my mums house and up to her and I never pushed my niece away infact a cuddle helped op needs to respect her sil wishes and though a little understandable bein upset she should of tried to explain a little better without snappiness and sil shouldn't of moaned to her bro she should of explained her feelings to op and maybe both could of helped each other
Lena Flising 9 months ago
Saying "No-one knows how much I suffer" or similar is just clueless. Miscarriages are VERY common, even so common that it's presumed that most women have had at least one. Most are so early that the women didn't know they were pregnant, and thought it was just a late or early period. I had one, in week 11 in 2002, I knew I was pregnant. I never managed to become pregnant again. I don't mind being around children, but it usually hurts when someone says "I'm pregnant" or "I'm going to have a baby", the first time I hear about it. When I'm used to them being pregnant, it's fine. It's just learning about yet one more who has gotten pregnant that hurts. I'm now 55, so it's way too late for me, in many respects.
StumblingThroughLife 1 year ago (edited)
The YTA and Esh comments make me want to rage. I seriously doubt it was a case of 'beat that', and I can't understand why peeps think that. Honestly, it just sounded like she was saying yes, she understood, had gone through it herself, and wanted to empathise. She was also giving the SiL hope - that after so many miscarriages, they finally had a baby. That's the way I took it, anyway. The SiL, well... after being sharp with a toddler, was there really a need to call the OP's husband and have a go? NTA, re: the OP.
roddy 1 year ago
She's a narcissistic drama queen playing for sympathy. She needs to get over herself. Especially as she seems she has won some sort of loss competition. Maybe she is insecure and this is a play for extra attention. Lots of people have miscarriages (I've had a couple) and I've lost a child too. I don't burden other people with it. They have their own problems.
FluffyDreg 1 year ago
She only got offended when she was attacked. She was empathetic and caring to her family suffering the same thing. Recognizing her pain. Even IF she didn't understand how her SIL expressed it, she openly stated that she can tell how much pain SIL is in. It was only when SIL attacked her, that she got "offended." Not saying "oh it hurts so much." But saying "well it's not like YOU could ever understand." That is a direct attack, and she was hurt. OP was completely silent when all her SIL was saying is "it's horrible and hard. The worst feeling there, I cant be around other's children." Yes, OP had an emotional response that she was unable to hide, but she remained silent and gave her space.
Load More Replies... KatSaidWhat 1 year ago (edited)
Yesterday I apologised to my office mate for being somewhat off as it was the anniversary of my uncle taking a revolver to head. She said "oh I can beat that, I had a miscarriage" to which I without thinking replied "well, if it's a competition, in the space of 5 days, I had a miscarriage, my stepmother died and I lost my job" ... apparently it wasn't a competition and she stropped out. (ETA apologies for the trauma dump, it happened over a decade ago)
TruthoftheHeart 1 year ago
People need to quit making grief a competition. Some people handle losses better than others, some people like to talk about it some people don't. The sister-in-law is being dramatic and needs to realize that miscarriages happen and move on try to conceive again if that's what she wants but not expect everyone to stop everything and console her for months on end. I struggle with fertility issues as well but that's your own personal issue it's not something everyone else owes you sympathy over.
FluffyDreg 1 year ago
Imo it's fairly reasonable to ask for a certaib amount of support from family. But asking for support =/= asking them to put their life on hold and cater to your every whim. It's also no excuse to claim superiority because "no one else has ever gone through it."
Load More Replies... FluffyDreg 1 year ago
Once again theres a lot of people with sh*ty reading comprehension. A. Is this even the SIL's house, or MIL? Someone was saying OP was TA for forcing her child into her SIL'S house... but it sounds like it was a family gathering and im not sure why MIL should be denied seeing her grand daughter. 2. Yes, OP was a little inseaitive and lacked a bot of empathy not realizing how different people are through their grief, demonstrated by her comment she had about her daughter "triggering" her SIL. However emotions are a fickle thing, we are allowed to feel a however we want. What's important is how we respond to it. And OP responded.... by redirecting her daughters attention to herself. It was her husband that called SIL'S tone rude. Which perhaps was inappropriate. 3. While insensiti e towards the details, OP clearly states they understand and believe how hard it is for SIL. She is not saying at any point this us for attention or an over reaction. (Cont)
FluffyDreg 1 year ago
(Cont 2nd) While sharing how Sue handed it herself. 4. SIL proceeded to take offense to OP'S facial expression, not words, to make a hurtful assumption she has no right knowing. As a weapon to invalidate OP's FACIAL expression. So OP defended herself by sharing that no, SILS assumption was wrong. This is in no way making it about herself. Making it about herself would have been to bring it up earlier without prompting. Not as a defense to an attack. 5. OP was then ASKED WHY she never mentioned it, and her response as to her own personal reasons, which is not a judgement against how other people respond, is because shes private and doesn't like to burden others. If OP had not been directly confronted and asked those questions, yes bringing them up would have been inappropriate and rude. But the questions WERE asked.
Load More Replies... Kayleigh haigh 1 year ago
Sorry for both ops and op sil loses I lost 4 babies 3 miscarriage 1 born too early with us for half hr before passing this was before having my other children I couldn't carry twins and was blessed twice with them but fate decided they were too good for this world yes it is hard and people grieve differently I'm a strong person but I did request my mum not have my niece or nephew for a day or 2 as I was staying with her at the time and just wanted quiet and time but sister got my dad (divorced parents but good co parents) to pick my niece up who was a yr old at the time and take her to my mums I was a little upset but it was my mums house and up to her and I never pushed my niece away infact a cuddle helped op needs to respect her sil wishes and though a little understandable bein upset she should of tried to explain a little better without snappiness and sil shouldn't of moaned to her bro she should of explained her feelings to op and maybe both could of helped each other
Lena Flising 9 months ago
Saying "No-one knows how much I suffer" or similar is just clueless. Miscarriages are VERY common, even so common that it's presumed that most women have had at least one. Most are so early that the women didn't know they were pregnant, and thought it was just a late or early period. I had one, in week 11 in 2002, I knew I was pregnant. I never managed to become pregnant again. I don't mind being around children, but it usually hurts when someone says "I'm pregnant" or "I'm going to have a baby", the first time I hear about it. When I'm used to them being pregnant, it's fine. It's just learning about yet one more who has gotten pregnant that hurts. I'm now 55, so it's way too late for me, in many respects.
StumblingThroughLife 1 year ago (edited)
The YTA and Esh comments make me want to rage. I seriously doubt it was a case of 'beat that', and I can't understand why peeps think that. Honestly, it just sounded like she was saying yes, she understood, had gone through it herself, and wanted to empathise. She was also giving the SiL hope - that after so many miscarriages, they finally had a baby. That's the way I took it, anyway. The SiL, well... after being sharp with a toddler, was there really a need to call the OP's husband and have a go? NTA, re: the OP.
roddy 1 year ago
She's a narcissistic drama queen playing for sympathy. She needs to get over herself. Especially as she seems she has won some sort of loss competition. Maybe she is insecure and this is a play for extra attention. Lots of people have miscarriages (I've had a couple) and I've lost a child too. I don't burden other people with it. They have their own problems.
FluffyDreg 1 year ago
She only got offended when she was attacked. She was empathetic and caring to her family suffering the same thing. Recognizing her pain. Even IF she didn't understand how her SIL expressed it, she openly stated that she can tell how much pain SIL is in. It was only when SIL attacked her, that she got "offended." Not saying "oh it hurts so much." But saying "well it's not like YOU could ever understand." That is a direct attack, and she was hurt. OP was completely silent when all her SIL was saying is "it's horrible and hard. The worst feeling there, I cant be around other's children." Yes, OP had an emotional response that she was unable to hide, but she remained silent and gave her space.
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