New Mom Sends Her Daughter’s Picture On Sister’s Request, Gets Called A Jerk Since She Had A Miscarriage 4 Years Ago
Loving relatives or other close people means, in particular, respecting their feelings, trying, if possible, not to hurt them. Unfortunately, we do not know how to read the thoughts of other people, and are not able to predict how one or another of our actions will affect them. Unfortunately – because otherwise many sad life situations could have been avoided easily.
Like this story posted on the AITA Reddit community by user u/Book-worm1991, for example. Several years have passed since the original publication, and we can only hope that everything is fine in the author’s family, and she eventually managed to repair relations with her sister – especially since no one wanted to hurt each other.
The author’s sister had a pregnancy loss four years ago and after going to therapy, decided to stay childfree
Image credits: Book-worm1991 (not the actual photo)
The author did her best to support her sister in this difficult situation, so did their mother
Image credits: Book-worm1991
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Book-worm1991
After sending relatives ultrasound pictures of her own daughter, the author got a demand from her sister to stop sending these images
Image credits: Polina Tankilevitch (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Book-worm1991
When the author’s daughter was nine months old, they visited her relatives and the aunt politely held the baby, yet felt upset later
The Original Poster (OP) says that it all started four years before the events described, when her sister had a miscarriage without even realizing she was pregnant. Despite the fact that the author of the post lives several hundred kilometers away, she tried to support her in this grief as much as possible, to deliver joyful emotions in order to bring her loved one out of a difficult mental state.
Anyway, the OP’s sister went through therapy, after which she decided she didn’t want to have children any more. A decision that the author of the post, as she herself says, accepted with respect and understanding. Moreover, when, after some time, the woman found out about her own pregnancy, she tried to present this information to her sister as tactfully as possible so as not to hurt her feelings.
As the original poster recalls, the sister took the news with visible joy, and said that she would be the best auntie ever. But just a week later, the OP experienced a shock when she started bleeding and got told her body was threatening to miscarriage. However, this time everything worked out – a week later the doctors told the expectant mother that everything was in order with her child. To celebrate, she sent the image to all the relatives – and this upset her sister so much she asked her mother to tell the OP not to send her pictures anymore.
No sooner said than done. For the rest of her pregnancy, the OP remained calm – and even when her daughter was finally born, she tried to protect her sister from an overabundance of information about her little niece. But when the girl was nine months old, she and her husband went to see the relatives, and the sister as well. However, this time the new mom’s fears turned out to be unnecessary – the woman was delighted with her niece, willingly held her in her arms and even posed for a joint photo.
After some time, the sister texted the original poster with a request to send her that very picture where she was holding the baby in her arms. The author of the post did that – and after some time her mother called her and said that she had acted extremely imprudently, because her sister, when she saw the photo, burst into tears and was extremely upset. Moreover, after a conversation with the sister, it got even worse – after all, she said that she deliberately asked her mother to call the OP, and even blamed her as she felt that the OP was “rubbing her happiness in her face.”
Image credits: Vlad Fonsark (not the actual photo)
“After a pregnancy loss, some people will find the sight of pregnant women and babies upsetting,” the British Miscarriage Association states. “Perhaps you could send a card or a text and check how they feel before visiting.” As you can see, the OP’s sister was well aware of the kind of feelings her sister could experience after their visit, even four years after that tragic moment in her life.
“In general, the behavior of the author of this story does her only credit. She tried to support her sister as much as possible in a difficult situation, and even after so many years she took care of her mental health,” notes Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, with whom Bored Panda got in touch for a comment. “Of course, it was a bit wrong to send her that ultrasound picture, but after the woman experienced shock and then was reassured by the doctors, few will accuse her of inconsistency.”
“In any case, it seems to me that the this woman’s sister, as well as her mother, still cannot recover from this tragic moment in their lives, so it would be worthwhile to advise them both to go through more therapy in order to finally let it go. Especially since now they have a granddaughter and a niece, and this is probably the best solution in case of preventing possible unpleasant situations in the future,” Irina believes.
People in the comments generally agreed with the expert, noting that the situation looks like the mother of the sisters still seems to be painfully reliving that story, and it is her reaction that influences the behavior of the OP’s sister. “Honestly, it kind of sounds like your mother is the problem here, not your sister?” some of the commenters wrote. In any case, most people are sure that the OP has nothing to reproach herself for, and her sister really “should do herself the favor of a few therapy sessions to reconcile herself with her loss.”
Meanwhile, not all relatives in such difficult situations behave as decently as the heroine of our story did. For example, this woman’s sister found nothing better to do than seduce her husband while she was losing a baby, and this story turned out to be as sad as possible. If you have something to say on this tale as well, please feel free to leave your comments below.
People in the comments believe that the author’s sister should have a few new therapy sessions to finally let this situation go
And the human race died out because no one was allowed to reproduce after OP's sister had a miscarriage of a baby she didn't even plan.
Ha! That gave me a good laugh XD srsly though, I don't have children and have never wanted them, so I don't understand entirely the sister's upset-ness at miscarrying a child she did not know she was pregnant with. I don't presume to understand what she's going through, but it does seem confusing to me that sis is still upset 4 years later after a miscarriage of a child she *did not know* she was pregnant with and thus presumably wasn't planned...? Again, I don't understand the feelings of wanting a child, so I know I'm probably coming across as callous, but I honestly don't understand. Is that kind of emotion normal?
Sister is clinging on to her grief. If she lets go of her grief and moves on then it might feel like she was never pregnant. Since the baby was not born she might feel like it's only her toughts that keep the baby alive. The way sister reacts is normal. Even after all this time. Healing is not linnear and something that hasn't been triggering in years might pop up and suddenly freak you out. That happens, that's notmal. The thing is that sister tricked herself into thinking she's okay by avoiding triggers. That's a coping mechanism and it works. But after all this time her coping is getting out of hand turned unhealthy. She's not dealing with her feelings, she makes everybody around her shield her from the subject. Mom is enabling her behaviour. OP is walking on eggshells. You can't avoid the subject forever. Sister needs therapy. Unfortunately that's not cheap and never easy.
Thank you for that thoughtful and helpful answer! :D I know that my "emotional understanding" is limited in regards to pregnancy/babies, as I am adopted myself (so I see little sense when a couple states they "need" to have their own biological child, vs. adopting, if they "just want to have kids") and I don't personally understand the trauma of miscarriage (though I have enough empathy to imagine it is horrifying). It's always very helpful to get others' opinions/outside thoughts on things like that, when I know my own views are not informed :)
You're welcome. I've seen your name enough to form an image in my mind. It was quite clear that it was a sincere question. I'm in the middle of a mental health quest so for me it did hit quite close to home. Sometimes you're avoiding things for so long that you completely miss that you can't handle things and it's your surrounding who accomodates you. Sometimes you're so cought up in your emotions that you can't take two steps back and see the bigger picture. We're all made up off our own experiences and it's really nice to see that you want to take other people's experiences in account to broaden your horizon.
This kind of stuff can be completely irrational, though it doesn't excuse the sister.
No no, you’re on point, she’s just being a drama queen because she was the attn rather than letting ppl enjoy the baby.
Probably cause she got so much attention for it
Miscarriages can be painful. Mine was and I was only 6 weeks. There was so much blood loss too. It's physically exhausting and uncomfortable, as well as emotionally draining. You have a surge of hormones leaving your body- it's really horrible and confusing. One minute you're singing "always look on the bright side of life" like a loon to keep your spirits up, the next minute you're crying on the floor, tearing your hair out. I wasn't even sure I wanted the baby. 1 week before the Miscarriage, we decided we would keep the baby- even though our relationship was new. The hormones make you emotional- even if you didn't want the baby. Miscarriages are really horrific. I've since had 2 beautiful children. The hormones dropping fast after birth are exactly the same as a Miscarriage, which is what a miscarriage is: giving birth- way too soon. My miscarriage was 3 years ago now and I'm still scarred by it.
Ok, so she clearly does want children, and she is afraid to try again. I had a missed miscarriage in January 2022. My 20yo niece got pregnant by accident in May 2022. I was so upset that by accident she was pregnant and thriving, but I didn't dare tell her that! I was happy for her and supportive because when you love someone, that is what you do! I got pregnant in July 2022. Mind you, this is my third, but it hurts so matter what. But other people deserve their happiness. Sister is manipulating the family for pity because she isn't sure what she wants.
One can want children and still decide to not have them. I'd love to have kids, I've always wanted kids but I don't think I'll ever have any. And it's a choice I've made, however sad it makes me and I'm envious of others kids. But I do not take it out on others. I love being in my niece and nephew's life, and in the lives of my friends kids.
It sucks that sometimes what might be the right decisions hurt so much. That was very sweet and heartfelt, Nom. 💕
Some people are in serious need to be medicated. Imagine having to worry about having a baby because someone else couldn't? Hiding your happiness? Jesus
And the human race died out because no one was allowed to reproduce after OP's sister had a miscarriage of a baby she didn't even plan.
Ha! That gave me a good laugh XD srsly though, I don't have children and have never wanted them, so I don't understand entirely the sister's upset-ness at miscarrying a child she did not know she was pregnant with. I don't presume to understand what she's going through, but it does seem confusing to me that sis is still upset 4 years later after a miscarriage of a child she *did not know* she was pregnant with and thus presumably wasn't planned...? Again, I don't understand the feelings of wanting a child, so I know I'm probably coming across as callous, but I honestly don't understand. Is that kind of emotion normal?
Sister is clinging on to her grief. If she lets go of her grief and moves on then it might feel like she was never pregnant. Since the baby was not born she might feel like it's only her toughts that keep the baby alive. The way sister reacts is normal. Even after all this time. Healing is not linnear and something that hasn't been triggering in years might pop up and suddenly freak you out. That happens, that's notmal. The thing is that sister tricked herself into thinking she's okay by avoiding triggers. That's a coping mechanism and it works. But after all this time her coping is getting out of hand turned unhealthy. She's not dealing with her feelings, she makes everybody around her shield her from the subject. Mom is enabling her behaviour. OP is walking on eggshells. You can't avoid the subject forever. Sister needs therapy. Unfortunately that's not cheap and never easy.
Thank you for that thoughtful and helpful answer! :D I know that my "emotional understanding" is limited in regards to pregnancy/babies, as I am adopted myself (so I see little sense when a couple states they "need" to have their own biological child, vs. adopting, if they "just want to have kids") and I don't personally understand the trauma of miscarriage (though I have enough empathy to imagine it is horrifying). It's always very helpful to get others' opinions/outside thoughts on things like that, when I know my own views are not informed :)
You're welcome. I've seen your name enough to form an image in my mind. It was quite clear that it was a sincere question. I'm in the middle of a mental health quest so for me it did hit quite close to home. Sometimes you're avoiding things for so long that you completely miss that you can't handle things and it's your surrounding who accomodates you. Sometimes you're so cought up in your emotions that you can't take two steps back and see the bigger picture. We're all made up off our own experiences and it's really nice to see that you want to take other people's experiences in account to broaden your horizon.
This kind of stuff can be completely irrational, though it doesn't excuse the sister.
No no, you’re on point, she’s just being a drama queen because she was the attn rather than letting ppl enjoy the baby.
Probably cause she got so much attention for it
Miscarriages can be painful. Mine was and I was only 6 weeks. There was so much blood loss too. It's physically exhausting and uncomfortable, as well as emotionally draining. You have a surge of hormones leaving your body- it's really horrible and confusing. One minute you're singing "always look on the bright side of life" like a loon to keep your spirits up, the next minute you're crying on the floor, tearing your hair out. I wasn't even sure I wanted the baby. 1 week before the Miscarriage, we decided we would keep the baby- even though our relationship was new. The hormones make you emotional- even if you didn't want the baby. Miscarriages are really horrific. I've since had 2 beautiful children. The hormones dropping fast after birth are exactly the same as a Miscarriage, which is what a miscarriage is: giving birth- way too soon. My miscarriage was 3 years ago now and I'm still scarred by it.
Ok, so she clearly does want children, and she is afraid to try again. I had a missed miscarriage in January 2022. My 20yo niece got pregnant by accident in May 2022. I was so upset that by accident she was pregnant and thriving, but I didn't dare tell her that! I was happy for her and supportive because when you love someone, that is what you do! I got pregnant in July 2022. Mind you, this is my third, but it hurts so matter what. But other people deserve their happiness. Sister is manipulating the family for pity because she isn't sure what she wants.
One can want children and still decide to not have them. I'd love to have kids, I've always wanted kids but I don't think I'll ever have any. And it's a choice I've made, however sad it makes me and I'm envious of others kids. But I do not take it out on others. I love being in my niece and nephew's life, and in the lives of my friends kids.
It sucks that sometimes what might be the right decisions hurt so much. That was very sweet and heartfelt, Nom. 💕
Some people are in serious need to be medicated. Imagine having to worry about having a baby because someone else couldn't? Hiding your happiness? Jesus