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Parents Can’t Believe Teen Doesn’t Want To Visit Disabled Step-Sister In Hospital, She Shares Why
When you’re a teenager, you yearn for freedom and independence. You want to hang out with your friends, try out new activities, have fun, and generally feel like you’re in control of your life. That being said, you also want to feel loved and supported by your family. However, if you’re forced to skip outings while also being ignored at home, it’s going to weigh on your emotional health.
One teenager went viral on the AITA online community after turning to it for help with a very sensitive issue. She opened up about how her family’s entire day revolves around caring for her special needs stepsister, whom she “low key hates.” After her step-sibling was admitted to the hospital, the teen refused to visit her. Scroll down to read the full emotional story and to see what advice various internet users had for the distraught teen.
RELATED:
Having a special needs step-sibling can be incredibly challenging. As much as you help out around at home, you might, at times, feel resentful
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
A teen shared how she barely gets any freedom or support at home due to her disabled stepsister. Things got so bad, she refused to visit her in the hospital
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: mystepsisterisspecia
Image credits: Gabriel Ponton / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The situation the teen found herself in is incredibly complex, emotionally messy, and full of pressure
There are lots of different frustrations bubbling up to the surface here. At the core of the sensitive family drama are four main issues. Firstly, the teen who vented her frustrations and mixed feelings online has a tense, entirely one-sided relationship with her stepsister.
“I’m not sure what’s wrong with her because no one ever wants to discuss it with me, but she’s nonverbal, breaks her bones a lot, and has severe epilepsy and will have many fitting episodes. She also doesn’t understand stuff. That’s probably the easiest way to put it. She’s just a human body with nothing inside,” she explained the situation.
“I don’t want to sit there feeding her banana pudding and wiping her drool. I didn’t ask for this,” she added. “[…] I just don’t want to go and visit someone who doesn’t even know I’m there.”
The second problem is that the teen feels like she is backed up in a corner, with no way out. For one, she has to sacrifice her free time to help around the house or take care of her disabled stepsister.
On top of that, she claims that her parents constantly find ways to remind her that she’s not as kind to her step-sibling as she could be.
Thirdly, the teen associates hospitals with the passing away of her mother. She’s still working through traumatic memories. And she doesn’t want to be in an environment that makes her feel deeply anxious and upset.
And finally, it’s very likely that the teenager is suffering from compassion fatigue or caregiver burnout. It might be the case that the teen actually does care about her stepsister. However, she may be emotionally exhausted from her entire life revolving around caring for her. This is a lot of pressure to put on a young person’s shoulders.
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Having to constantly be exposed to chronic stress and other people’s suffering takes a toll on your health and empathy
As Charlie Health explains, compassion fatigue is what happens to you when you are consistently exposed to other people’s suffering, trauma, or distress.
Compassion (aka empathy) fatigue is often seen in people who spend lots of their time helping others. Though it can impact anyone spending time with people who are stressed or suffering, it is most prevalent among mental health professionals, doctors, nurses, and social workers.
Meanwhile, caregiver burnout happens when you face prolonged, unmanaged stress. In a nutshell, you are physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted due to chronic stress. This is most common among therapists and mothers.
Verywell Mind stresses that even when people want to empathize with others, they might find that they don’t have the emotional and physical resources to do so.
“Authentic compassion, as opposed to being polite or nice, is a complex neuropsychological process that is related to frontal lobe executive functioning, the most recently developed and most complex of cognitive processes. To engage in compassion, you have to be cognitively present, understand one’s social surroundings, and be aware of one’s impact on others,” Dr. Eric Zillmer, Professor of Neuropsychology at Drexel University, explains.
Compassion fatigue can happen very suddenly, when a person feels helpless or as though they are not in control. It leads to life dissatisfaction, lack of empathy, and PTSD symptoms.
On the flip side, burnout, which is linked to excessive pressure, builds slowly over time, and results in a loss of motivation, energy, and interest.
What are your thoughts, Pandas? Do you think the teenager was wrong to refuse to visit her hospitalized stepsister, or do you support her? What do you think you would do if you were in her shoes? What life advice would you give her if you could talk to her directly? Share your thoughts below.
The story went viral online. Here’s how many internet users viewed the incredibly sensitive situation
A handful of readers thought that nobody was in the wrong here
However, not everyone was on the teen’s side. Some people called her out for lacking empathy
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
It's just about control. Step sister won't care or possibly even know that OP visited. This is a about demanding costly signaling from OP - proof that she'll do something uncomfortable or hard because she was told, because that's what the identity of being part of the family requires. Dad is angry that being in good standing with the family isn't enough to compel her to go. He expected more control but being in the family hasnt been valuable enough to OP to make up for the cost of the hospital visit. He's angry that she doesn't want to kiss the ring, but not interested in why. I'm very glad OP has a grandmother with some compassion, hopefully that can help.
Kristiina Männiste 1 month ago
I do not understand the need to make birthday presents for someone who would not know she received birthday presents. I make presents to make the receiver happy. Why would I make a present for someone who cannot care about receiving a gift? If the receiver is comatose (as the girl in the story seems to be) what need has she for a birthday present anyways? She does not know she got it, she also cannot use it, it would be just putting on a show for other people. I would understand maybe a pair of socks or a blanket, but she (hopefully) has them from her parents - no need to extort a 15 year old for her pocket money
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LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 month ago (edited)
Look, you guys know I spent 21 years of my life (starting at age 18) taking care of my disabled dad, and that I was the one who stayed in the hospice room holding his hand the night he died. He wasn't aware I was there on the night he died. I still did it, because I loved him tremendously. OP doesn't have that kind of history with her stepsister, so to speak, and it is a terrible, TERRIBLE thing to demand that children/teens be caregivers for family members (I also helped take care of my grandma who had ALS when I was 12/13.) I truly feel for OP - she is young. I'd give her a bit of the stinkeye for the phrase "just a human body with nothing inside", though. 15 is old enough to show some tact, even on Reddit posts.
ॐBoyGanesh 1 month ago
I totally agree with you, as per usual, but I’m reevaluating the tactless sentiment. I think for OP to have clarity with what is going on with step-sis, understanding what he cognitive functions are, ergo have an ounce of compassion for her, then the adults need to explain. She doesn’t even know “what’s wrong” with her, as the adults won’t discuss it. I can’t expect her to see her step-sister as anything but a hollow shell unless she’s educated to the reality that she has brain function and cognitive ability. So, to OP, her limited understating does indeed mean she earnestly interprets her as “just a human body with nothing inside” Now, if she had a clue about that person inside, it would be gross to refer to her in such a way. The stink eye statement seems to come from a place of ignorance, of which dad and step-mom are keeping her in.
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arthbach 1 month ago
My advice would be to go once. There are times when we do things we don't want to do because it is showing support for others. In this case, she's be showing support for her father and step-mother (a perfectly normal level of support for a 15 year old). Take along a book, and read to book to the step-sister. It doesn't matter if the sister can hear, let alone understand, it gives the 15 year old something to do, and might bring comfort of the sister. Afterwards, do things like make a meal, tidy the house, do some laundry. Take a little bit of the load of the parents during this stressful time. (Again, this is the sort of thing that should be normal for a 15 year old.)
Kate Johnson 1 month ago
I feel so sorry for this kid. Her father has basically forgotten she exists, except for insisting she play out some kind of fictional relationship with a person entirely incapable of relationship, strictly for the benefit of his wife, who also completely ignores OP, except of course for her expectations of support and service to her own child. But in your view, this is fine for the parents to do, and this child is the one with the responsibility to "support" the parents, while receiving absolutely no support from them. This father clearly never even considered the impact his relationship with this woman and her severely disabled child would have on his own child. He clearly doesn't think about her at all. She essentially has no parents. No one who is even paying attention to her needs or welfare.
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UnclePanda 1 month ago
Who were the birthday presents for? The nonresponsive person? Or stepmom?
Jan 1 month ago
Not a teenager and I am definitely on the NTA team. This is a step-sister who came into OPs life when she would have been about 11. That is an age when a girl could really use a mom. Instead she lost even her dad's attention to another child that she has no connection to at all. While I feel for the mom and the step sister it is not the responsibility of a 15 year old to take this on. I hope she gets therapy when she is able as it sounds like she will need it. I wish she could live with her grandmother as it sounds like dad and step-mom are trying to turn her into a glass child (A "glass child" is a sibling of a child with a disability, chronic illness, or other intensive needs, who is often overlooked or feels invisible because of the family's focus on the other child) but because she wasn't born into this situation she has enough self esteem to resist at this point. I hope she never feels shame for her lack of feeling toward this step sister. Her feelings are valid.
Binny Tutera 1 month ago
OP is (was) 15. That is old enough to learn compassion. It is not her job to care for her stepsister, but what would it take to read to her a couple of days a week? Nobody likes hospitals, but it would go a long way to go to visit and read to her, or hold her hand. OP has no idea what her stepsister can or cannot feel, hear, understand. She-OP- would learn a lot if she would put herself in her ss’s shoes. And, as far as gifts, maybe a mix tape of gentle songs, or lotion to rub on her hands. She doesn’t have to give up her life, but a little service to others is important for personal growth.
Kate Johnson 1 month ago
Why in the world would this be her burden? Why is it apparently okay with you that her father is entirely worthless. He obviously never even considered his daughter when he chose to marry a woman with a profoundly disabled child. He just figured they could use his daughter as an addition caregiver without the slightest worry about her already existing trauma from losing her mom. Maybe you are the one that needs to learn some compassion. I don't see any displayed here.
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Deborah B 1 month ago
All of them are a******s. Going to the hospital, or not, has nothing to do with the stepsister. There's no bond for OP. Going would be to support Stepmom and Dad. At 15, she's old enough to understand the importance of making a supportive gesture. OP could visit, be kind, and keep the peace. It's up to her if she wants to do this. It's an hour of being kind to her stepmom, who's daughter is seriously ill and possibly dying, at the cost of personal discomfort of visiting the hospital. Is that too much to ask? Really? Just being kind while her family is in crisis? Yes, they're crappy parents to her, and she doesn't feel any bond with her stepsister, but that doesn't mean she's not being an a*****e too.
Kate Johnson 1 month ago
She's a child. A child with a parent who clearly doesn't even consider her at all. She lost her mother, and has an entirely worthless father who decided to marry a woman with a severely disabled child, without the slightest consideration for how it would affect his own child. But hey go ahead and blame the kid for not wanting to be further traumatized for people who care nothing about her. I hope she can escape from them. That father doesn't deserve to even have a child, he's so worthless.
Load More Replies... Natalie Zayas Bazan 4 weeks ago
Holy c**p every time I read one of these stories I am SOO thankful for my sister. I was born with a birth defect but we are best friends. Every guy she ever dated she made sure they knew we were a package deal. There’s a bedroom and bathroom for me at her house if I ever need. People are crazy selfish.
Janelle Collard 1 month ago
This is 6 years old, so I hope OP got TF out of Dodge when she turned 18.
ॐBoyGanesh 1 month ago (edited)
At two years old, my mom & I moved from San Francisco to a town in the hills between Kerala & Tamil Nadu. She began dating a widower with 4 adult children. He asked her to marry him. She wouldn’t plan my future home life with someone until she was certain it was good for both of us. Specifically, she wanted to see how I/we go along with his children & how they felt about all of us becoming a family. I have a younger half brother & he is my (step)father to this day. The one I think of as my dad. I see my bio father a few times a year, but he isn’t my “dad.” I’m grateful my mom considered me first. We were a package deal. I don’t see my step sibs too often, but we keep in close contact & are together if big milestones. My mom says it would have been unconscionable to force a step father & siblings on me without my best interests being the utmost consideration. I’m glad she did. I’m lucky she prioritized me. As it so often should be. Yet, apparently not in the case of OP.
Kate Johnson 1 month ago
The step sister won't even know whether this kid visits. These parents need to quit pressuring this teen to be involved with the care of a kid that is NO RELATIONS TO HER. Just because dad married a woman with a child, does not translate into any connection or relationship between the children. That cannot be forced. In this case they're asking a teen to manufacture a fictional relationship with a person incapable of it for their benefit. They are the selfish ones.
Lousha 1 month ago
Even if we completely take the disability out of the picture and imagine that the stepsister is a perfectly average, "normally" abled person, it's always horrible to try to force a bond on someone. OP was 11 when this woman and her daughter came into their life. At that age some would form a connection with them, some wouldn't. If it doesn't come naturally, the adults might try to encourage it a bit, but not demand it. Berating someone for not feeling what they decided they should feel is cruel and very damaging. They can reasonably expect respect from OP, but that's it. It's not OP's responsibility to care for the stepsister, and they have no obligation to love or visit her.
Robyn Hill 1 month ago
Gotta love all the YTAs who yet again have invented “facts” to justify their views. Nowhere did the OP say the other girl was dying. As for her assessment of her abilities or awareness - she may very well be right. We don’t know.
K Barnes 4 weeks ago
Maybe reread it before posting comments like this. "he said my stepsister might die" - second last paragraph.
Load More Replies... Beth Wheeler 1 month ago
NTA They are trying to make her do something she is very uncomfortable with and was traumatized by seeing her mother in a hospital before she died. Leave her alone about going to see the girl. She shouldn't be made to do anything for that poor kid kid. She barely know her stepmother and stepsister. They were forced on her by her father and she had been pushed aside because he married a woman with a severely disabled daughter. What if something happened to the stepsister and she w a s alone with her that made the situation worse or she died. The parents would probably blame her especially the stepmother. The adult's are the AH here. I wish her Grandma lived closer to her so she could go to her. Grandma needs to try talking some sense into her Daddy. It sounds like the stepsister need to be in a special care facility since the hospital kept her for a while. I'm thinking she has more resentment towards them instead of hatred and doesn't realize or couldn't express it.
arthbach 1 month ago
Frinny, yes. It is. A story is a story, and we don't stop reading stories because they are over 5 years old.
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Corvus 1 month ago
"To keep the peace" is one of the worst possible reasons for doing anything, IMHO.
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
It's just about control. Step sister won't care or possibly even know that OP visited. This is a about demanding costly signaling from OP - proof that she'll do something uncomfortable or hard because she was told, because that's what the identity of being part of the family requires. Dad is angry that being in good standing with the family isn't enough to compel her to go. He expected more control but being in the family hasnt been valuable enough to OP to make up for the cost of the hospital visit. He's angry that she doesn't want to kiss the ring, but not interested in why. I'm very glad OP has a grandmother with some compassion, hopefully that can help.
Kristiina Männiste 1 month ago
I do not understand the need to make birthday presents for someone who would not know she received birthday presents. I make presents to make the receiver happy. Why would I make a present for someone who cannot care about receiving a gift? If the receiver is comatose (as the girl in the story seems to be) what need has she for a birthday present anyways? She does not know she got it, she also cannot use it, it would be just putting on a show for other people. I would understand maybe a pair of socks or a blanket, but she (hopefully) has them from her parents - no need to extort a 15 year old for her pocket money
Load More Replies... LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 month ago (edited)
Look, you guys know I spent 21 years of my life (starting at age 18) taking care of my disabled dad, and that I was the one who stayed in the hospice room holding his hand the night he died. He wasn't aware I was there on the night he died. I still did it, because I loved him tremendously. OP doesn't have that kind of history with her stepsister, so to speak, and it is a terrible, TERRIBLE thing to demand that children/teens be caregivers for family members (I also helped take care of my grandma who had ALS when I was 12/13.) I truly feel for OP - she is young. I'd give her a bit of the stinkeye for the phrase "just a human body with nothing inside", though. 15 is old enough to show some tact, even on Reddit posts.
ॐBoyGanesh 1 month ago
I totally agree with you, as per usual, but I’m reevaluating the tactless sentiment. I think for OP to have clarity with what is going on with step-sis, understanding what he cognitive functions are, ergo have an ounce of compassion for her, then the adults need to explain. She doesn’t even know “what’s wrong” with her, as the adults won’t discuss it. I can’t expect her to see her step-sister as anything but a hollow shell unless she’s educated to the reality that she has brain function and cognitive ability. So, to OP, her limited understating does indeed mean she earnestly interprets her as “just a human body with nothing inside” Now, if she had a clue about that person inside, it would be gross to refer to her in such a way. The stink eye statement seems to come from a place of ignorance, of which dad and step-mom are keeping her in.
Load More Replies... arthbach 1 month ago
My advice would be to go once. There are times when we do things we don't want to do because it is showing support for others. In this case, she's be showing support for her father and step-mother (a perfectly normal level of support for a 15 year old). Take along a book, and read to book to the step-sister. It doesn't matter if the sister can hear, let alone understand, it gives the 15 year old something to do, and might bring comfort of the sister. Afterwards, do things like make a meal, tidy the house, do some laundry. Take a little bit of the load of the parents during this stressful time. (Again, this is the sort of thing that should be normal for a 15 year old.)
Kate Johnson 1 month ago
I feel so sorry for this kid. Her father has basically forgotten she exists, except for insisting she play out some kind of fictional relationship with a person entirely incapable of relationship, strictly for the benefit of his wife, who also completely ignores OP, except of course for her expectations of support and service to her own child. But in your view, this is fine for the parents to do, and this child is the one with the responsibility to "support" the parents, while receiving absolutely no support from them. This father clearly never even considered the impact his relationship with this woman and her severely disabled child would have on his own child. He clearly doesn't think about her at all. She essentially has no parents. No one who is even paying attention to her needs or welfare.
Load More Replies... UnclePanda 1 month ago
Who were the birthday presents for? The nonresponsive person? Or stepmom?
Jan 1 month ago
Not a teenager and I am definitely on the NTA team. This is a step-sister who came into OPs life when she would have been about 11. That is an age when a girl could really use a mom. Instead she lost even her dad's attention to another child that she has no connection to at all. While I feel for the mom and the step sister it is not the responsibility of a 15 year old to take this on. I hope she gets therapy when she is able as it sounds like she will need it. I wish she could live with her grandmother as it sounds like dad and step-mom are trying to turn her into a glass child (A "glass child" is a sibling of a child with a disability, chronic illness, or other intensive needs, who is often overlooked or feels invisible because of the family's focus on the other child) but because she wasn't born into this situation she has enough self esteem to resist at this point. I hope she never feels shame for her lack of feeling toward this step sister. Her feelings are valid.
Binny Tutera 1 month ago
OP is (was) 15. That is old enough to learn compassion. It is not her job to care for her stepsister, but what would it take to read to her a couple of days a week? Nobody likes hospitals, but it would go a long way to go to visit and read to her, or hold her hand. OP has no idea what her stepsister can or cannot feel, hear, understand. She-OP- would learn a lot if she would put herself in her ss’s shoes. And, as far as gifts, maybe a mix tape of gentle songs, or lotion to rub on her hands. She doesn’t have to give up her life, but a little service to others is important for personal growth.
Kate Johnson 1 month ago
Why in the world would this be her burden? Why is it apparently okay with you that her father is entirely worthless. He obviously never even considered his daughter when he chose to marry a woman with a profoundly disabled child. He just figured they could use his daughter as an addition caregiver without the slightest worry about her already existing trauma from losing her mom. Maybe you are the one that needs to learn some compassion. I don't see any displayed here.
Load More Replies... Deborah B 1 month ago
All of them are a******s. Going to the hospital, or not, has nothing to do with the stepsister. There's no bond for OP. Going would be to support Stepmom and Dad. At 15, she's old enough to understand the importance of making a supportive gesture. OP could visit, be kind, and keep the peace. It's up to her if she wants to do this. It's an hour of being kind to her stepmom, who's daughter is seriously ill and possibly dying, at the cost of personal discomfort of visiting the hospital. Is that too much to ask? Really? Just being kind while her family is in crisis? Yes, they're crappy parents to her, and she doesn't feel any bond with her stepsister, but that doesn't mean she's not being an a*****e too.
Kate Johnson 1 month ago
She's a child. A child with a parent who clearly doesn't even consider her at all. She lost her mother, and has an entirely worthless father who decided to marry a woman with a severely disabled child, without the slightest consideration for how it would affect his own child. But hey go ahead and blame the kid for not wanting to be further traumatized for people who care nothing about her. I hope she can escape from them. That father doesn't deserve to even have a child, he's so worthless.
Load More Replies... Natalie Zayas Bazan 4 weeks ago
Holy c**p every time I read one of these stories I am SOO thankful for my sister. I was born with a birth defect but we are best friends. Every guy she ever dated she made sure they knew we were a package deal. There’s a bedroom and bathroom for me at her house if I ever need. People are crazy selfish.
Janelle Collard 1 month ago
This is 6 years old, so I hope OP got TF out of Dodge when she turned 18.
ॐBoyGanesh 1 month ago (edited)
At two years old, my mom & I moved from San Francisco to a town in the hills between Kerala & Tamil Nadu. She began dating a widower with 4 adult children. He asked her to marry him. She wouldn’t plan my future home life with someone until she was certain it was good for both of us. Specifically, she wanted to see how I/we go along with his children & how they felt about all of us becoming a family. I have a younger half brother & he is my (step)father to this day. The one I think of as my dad. I see my bio father a few times a year, but he isn’t my “dad.” I’m grateful my mom considered me first. We were a package deal. I don’t see my step sibs too often, but we keep in close contact & are together if big milestones. My mom says it would have been unconscionable to force a step father & siblings on me without my best interests being the utmost consideration. I’m glad she did. I’m lucky she prioritized me. As it so often should be. Yet, apparently not in the case of OP.
Kate Johnson 1 month ago
The step sister won't even know whether this kid visits. These parents need to quit pressuring this teen to be involved with the care of a kid that is NO RELATIONS TO HER. Just because dad married a woman with a child, does not translate into any connection or relationship between the children. That cannot be forced. In this case they're asking a teen to manufacture a fictional relationship with a person incapable of it for their benefit. They are the selfish ones.
Lousha 1 month ago
Even if we completely take the disability out of the picture and imagine that the stepsister is a perfectly average, "normally" abled person, it's always horrible to try to force a bond on someone. OP was 11 when this woman and her daughter came into their life. At that age some would form a connection with them, some wouldn't. If it doesn't come naturally, the adults might try to encourage it a bit, but not demand it. Berating someone for not feeling what they decided they should feel is cruel and very damaging. They can reasonably expect respect from OP, but that's it. It's not OP's responsibility to care for the stepsister, and they have no obligation to love or visit her.
Robyn Hill 1 month ago
Gotta love all the YTAs who yet again have invented “facts” to justify their views. Nowhere did the OP say the other girl was dying. As for her assessment of her abilities or awareness - she may very well be right. We don’t know.
K Barnes 4 weeks ago
Maybe reread it before posting comments like this. "he said my stepsister might die" - second last paragraph.
Load More Replies... Beth Wheeler 1 month ago
NTA They are trying to make her do something she is very uncomfortable with and was traumatized by seeing her mother in a hospital before she died. Leave her alone about going to see the girl. She shouldn't be made to do anything for that poor kid kid. She barely know her stepmother and stepsister. They were forced on her by her father and she had been pushed aside because he married a woman with a severely disabled daughter. What if something happened to the stepsister and she w a s alone with her that made the situation worse or she died. The parents would probably blame her especially the stepmother. The adult's are the AH here. I wish her Grandma lived closer to her so she could go to her. Grandma needs to try talking some sense into her Daddy. It sounds like the stepsister need to be in a special care facility since the hospital kept her for a while. I'm thinking she has more resentment towards them instead of hatred and doesn't realize or couldn't express it.
arthbach 1 month ago
Frinny, yes. It is. A story is a story, and we don't stop reading stories because they are over 5 years old.
Load More Replies... Corvus 1 month ago
"To keep the peace" is one of the worst possible reasons for doing anything, IMHO.
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