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“I Screamed At My Husband Over His Hobbies And Now He’s Changed And I Don’t Know How To Fix This”
Sometimes couples get their wires crossed. In the heat of the moment, tempers can flare and things can be said that are almost immediately regretted. Depending on the strength of the relationship, amends can be made, or things can suddenly go south.
For one woman, she was filled with regret after she freaked out at her husband over his hobbies before unleashing a wave of verbal abuse. Nothing could have prepared her for her husband’s reaction, and now she’s wondering whether they’re headed for divorce.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
Even the healthiest romantic relationships can falter, but this wife fears she went too far
Image credits: SHVETS production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Her introverted husband has a hobby room that he loves inviting her into, but one day she’d had enough
Image credits: Explain_Like_Im_3 / Reddit (not the actual photo)
She freaked out at him, calling his hobbies stupid, telling him he needs a social life, and, worst of all, questioning why she ever married him
Image credits: KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Her husband didn’t react well, moving to sleeping on the couch, ignoring his hobbies, and picking up a workaholic habit made famous by his father
Image credits: ThrowRApineapplesp
The woman has apologized multiple times but, fearing divorce, turned to the web to ask for relationship advice
OP begins her story by asking the community for their advice on a situation with her husband. Apparently, the couple has been married for 4 years, and her husband has a room for all his hobbies – everything from sim racing to LEGO sets. It’s basically his sanctuary. She also shares that he’s on the spectrum and doesn’t have any close friends.
She goes on to say that he’s always inviting her to be a part of his interests and, while she loves him and appreciates that he wants to include her, sometimes she just needs some time to herself. Well, recently she snapped and told her husband that his interests bore her, he needs to get a social life and, perhaps most hurtfully, she even questioned why she married him.
Well, since the incident, OP says her husband has completely changed. He’s moved to sleeping on the couch, never goes into his man cave, and has started working at home, something the couple had agreed on not ever doing. He’s even ignored the couple’s longstanding tradition of watching their nation’s footballgames together.
OP says she’s apologized to him multiple times, but her husband remains unmoved. Now she’s terrified he’s going to divorce her but doesn’t know how to rebuild the trust between them. At her wits’ end, she turned to Reddit for advice on how to make things right.
From what she tells us in her post, OP definitely messed up. Her hurtful comments have forced her already neurodiverse husband to withdraw and, perhaps, question the marriage himself. If you’ve ever been in a meaningful relationship, you can probably relate. After all, everyone has their bad days and breaking points. But what’s the best next move for OP?
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
First, let’s consider that OP’s husband is an introvert. His hobbies are likely very important to him, since, according to this article for Introvert, Dear, hobbies are a kind of meditation. They can offer a sense of control amidst the chaos of life, they guarantee alone time, they’re good for your brain, and, well, they’re fun.
In her article for Positive Psychology, Nicole Celestine writes that, once considered a mere toy, LEGO therapy is now also being used by children and adults alike to overcome stress and behavioral issues.
The use of LEGO as a therapeutic intervention was discovered by accident by psychologist Daniel LeGoff in 2004.
LeGoff’s eureka moment arrived when he witnessed two of his socially withdrawn child patients playing together with LEGO in the waiting room. This sparked the idea of using the humble bricks, first invented in 1936, to encourage play therapy, teaching kids with ASD valuable lessons like turn-taking, sharing, conversing, and problem-solving.
Perhaps OP can try smoothing things over by going shopping for an extra-large LEGO set that the couple can work on together, because her words don’t appear to be rebuilding anything.
What would you do if you found yourself in OP’s shoes? Do you think the couple’s relationship is doomed? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, readers doubted the woman could ever come back from this and criticized her for belittling her husband so harshly for just wanting to share his life with her
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What do you think ?
Enlee Jones 1 year ago
***...and even questioned why I married him*** Now he's questioning why he married you, and you don't get to question why when he gives you the divorce papers.
Mad McQueen 1 year ago
Go buy him something for his collection. And also something that is interesting to you a would be to him to explore as a mutual hobby. Then tell him you are sorry but just want to try again an explore something together to make special that you can share. I'm sure he's hurting not enjoying his interests. You wounded someone that tried so hard to have hobbies an took the joy from him with whatever you said. It might work. You might be single soon. Words spoken cannot be unsaid.
TribbleThinking 1 year ago
I don't understand why you couldn't just have firmly told him that you wanted time to yourself. Those criticisms you threw at him are just beyond. They nullify any nice times he thought you were having together in that room or even within your marriage. Do you even like anything about him other than that he earns decently and is quite acquiescent?
ConstantlyJon 1 year ago
Gotta figure out why she was angry in the first place. WHY did she snap? If she didn't mean any of it, where did it all come from? Figure that out to get to the root issue and discuss that. Regular apologies don't work for this kind of hurt. OP can't "make it up to him." She's gonna have to be honest with herself about why she married him, what she wants from him, and how she wants their relationship to be. Then be vulnerable about that with him in a humble manner instead of in a fight. The way out of the situation is not to ignore what was said, it is to dig deeper into why OP was so hurtful in the first place. THEN rebuild from there.
roddy 1 year ago
He needs to be reassured that you care for him and respect him. That will take some doing, but is not impossible. I hope things work out for you both.
Featherking 1 year ago (edited)
It might be impossible, actually. She’d be out of my life the instant her tantrum was over. I’ve no time or patience to educate an entire grown αss human on how to be a functioning adult, and she went SO far overboard that it could not ever - EVER - be fixed. Nope. I don’t really care what kind of money divorce would cost; I wouldn’t keep living with a person who so clearly and aggressively explained how much she actually utterly despised me and everything I am. “I didn’t meeeean it!” Then don’t motherfυcking say it. If you said it, you meant it. Very few people who are not psychopaths make up dislikes on the spot - my αss she “didn’t mean it”. Yes - people mean it, it’s just their filter that gets knocked out when they’re unhinged like this. They mean it. And she’d be history. No regaining trust with me. My autistic bυtt would not ever trust her ever again. So I think it depends a little, is my point. For some people surely, for others - nope.
Load More Replies...
Featherking 1 year ago
Depends on the person, I’m sure - if it had been me she’d be out on her àss as soon as she stopped screaming. That tantrum would mean an immediate eviction from my life forever. Bye. I’d just not ever be able to trust her ever again, since she obviously married me in spite of despising everything I am. And incapable of reasonable, adult communication too. Nope. But then I’m very autistic indeed, with a proper diagnose and everything. Trust can be an issue for us. Other, more flexible and emotionally intelligent people could maybe find a way, though.
Load More Replies...
Anyone-for-tea? 1 year ago
At least she knows she messed up. And to be fair, they’re both very young, we all say stupid things when we haven’t had time to mature and grow as people. Even when we are older, we can still inadvertently hurt the people we love. Although attacks on people’s characters, and blaming anger are a bit much, she does seem genuinely remorseful.
Min 1 year ago
We all say stupid things when we're young, but some of them are things you just can't recover from. This may well be one of those things. It's a hard lesson to learn..
Load More Replies...
Wood Carver 1 year ago
It might get buried but the line "my anger got the best of me and I couldn't control it in that moment" bothers me. It is no more acceptable to lash out emotionally like this than it is for someone to punch holes in the wall and blame their anger for making them uncontrollable. You're an adult. Manage your emotions or remove yourself from a situation if it is making that difficult. You can't just be like I was angry so it doesn't count.
WonderWoman 1 year ago
I often wonder when people say that another is on the spectrum if they are just making that sh!t up - do you have a diagnosis or is their arrogant ignorant way of saying he has quirks. Because I think for the majority it is a bullsh!t diagnosis and that is degrading and damaging to those on the spectrum, or have adhd, or ocd.
Enlee Jones 1 year ago
***...and even questioned why I married him*** Now he's questioning why he married you, and you don't get to question why when he gives you the divorce papers.
Mad McQueen 1 year ago
Go buy him something for his collection. And also something that is interesting to you a would be to him to explore as a mutual hobby. Then tell him you are sorry but just want to try again an explore something together to make special that you can share. I'm sure he's hurting not enjoying his interests. You wounded someone that tried so hard to have hobbies an took the joy from him with whatever you said. It might work. You might be single soon. Words spoken cannot be unsaid.
TribbleThinking 1 year ago
I don't understand why you couldn't just have firmly told him that you wanted time to yourself. Those criticisms you threw at him are just beyond. They nullify any nice times he thought you were having together in that room or even within your marriage. Do you even like anything about him other than that he earns decently and is quite acquiescent?
ConstantlyJon 1 year ago
Gotta figure out why she was angry in the first place. WHY did she snap? If she didn't mean any of it, where did it all come from? Figure that out to get to the root issue and discuss that. Regular apologies don't work for this kind of hurt. OP can't "make it up to him." She's gonna have to be honest with herself about why she married him, what she wants from him, and how she wants their relationship to be. Then be vulnerable about that with him in a humble manner instead of in a fight. The way out of the situation is not to ignore what was said, it is to dig deeper into why OP was so hurtful in the first place. THEN rebuild from there.
roddy 1 year ago
He needs to be reassured that you care for him and respect him. That will take some doing, but is not impossible. I hope things work out for you both.
Featherking 1 year ago (edited)
It might be impossible, actually. She’d be out of my life the instant her tantrum was over. I’ve no time or patience to educate an entire grown αss human on how to be a functioning adult, and she went SO far overboard that it could not ever - EVER - be fixed. Nope. I don’t really care what kind of money divorce would cost; I wouldn’t keep living with a person who so clearly and aggressively explained how much she actually utterly despised me and everything I am. “I didn’t meeeean it!” Then don’t motherfυcking say it. If you said it, you meant it. Very few people who are not psychopaths make up dislikes on the spot - my αss she “didn’t mean it”. Yes - people mean it, it’s just their filter that gets knocked out when they’re unhinged like this. They mean it. And she’d be history. No regaining trust with me. My autistic bυtt would not ever trust her ever again. So I think it depends a little, is my point. For some people surely, for others - nope.
Load More Replies... Featherking 1 year ago
Depends on the person, I’m sure - if it had been me she’d be out on her àss as soon as she stopped screaming. That tantrum would mean an immediate eviction from my life forever. Bye. I’d just not ever be able to trust her ever again, since she obviously married me in spite of despising everything I am. And incapable of reasonable, adult communication too. Nope. But then I’m very autistic indeed, with a proper diagnose and everything. Trust can be an issue for us. Other, more flexible and emotionally intelligent people could maybe find a way, though.
Load More Replies... Anyone-for-tea? 1 year ago
At least she knows she messed up. And to be fair, they’re both very young, we all say stupid things when we haven’t had time to mature and grow as people. Even when we are older, we can still inadvertently hurt the people we love. Although attacks on people’s characters, and blaming anger are a bit much, she does seem genuinely remorseful.
Min 1 year ago
We all say stupid things when we're young, but some of them are things you just can't recover from. This may well be one of those things. It's a hard lesson to learn..
Load More Replies... Wood Carver 1 year ago
It might get buried but the line "my anger got the best of me and I couldn't control it in that moment" bothers me. It is no more acceptable to lash out emotionally like this than it is for someone to punch holes in the wall and blame their anger for making them uncontrollable. You're an adult. Manage your emotions or remove yourself from a situation if it is making that difficult. You can't just be like I was angry so it doesn't count.
WonderWoman 1 year ago
I often wonder when people say that another is on the spectrum if they are just making that sh!t up - do you have a diagnosis or is their arrogant ignorant way of saying he has quirks. Because I think for the majority it is a bullsh!t diagnosis and that is degrading and damaging to those on the spectrum, or have adhd, or ocd.
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