“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To Cover Up What My Mom Realized About Me?”
Typically, a baby born into a family is a joyous occasion. It’s a new life, a new addition to your family! Yet, sometimes, not everyone feels this way. Like in today’s story, where a teen’s mom had children with her new husband, but the teen felt pretty indifferent to her new siblings, or better said, half-siblings. And, well, that caused quite a commotion in their family when the mom learned about it.
More info: Reddit
Sometimes, a new baby isn’t such a joyous thing in someone else’s life as some would like to believe
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
A teen’s mom got remarried and had two babies with her new husband, who she hopes will become her eldest’s second dad
Image credits: Julia M Cameron (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Vidal Balielo Jr. (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Quiet_Ad2412
But the teen wasn’t planning on considering her stepdad a second dad, and more importantly, she felt quite indifferent to her new half-siblings
When the OP was 10, she lost her dad. Now that she’s 16, her mom is married to a guy whom she met within a year of her ex-husband’s death. Let’s just say that the OP feels quite indifferent to her stepdad – she isn’t too excited about him but has no feelings of hate, either. He’s just okay, but more importantly, he makes her mom happy, even though the author will never think of him as her second dad.
The OP’s mom and her husband now have two new kids – 17 months old and 3 months old. The thing is that the original poster feels quite indifferent to the babies, just as she does with her stepfather. She sees these babies as not full but rather half-siblings because they are actually her half-siblings. Additionally, the age gap between them is so big that she doubts they will ever have relatable experiences.
Today’s story basically started when the mom decided to throw a celebration for her two new babies. During it, the OP got a bit tired of pretending to be overly enthusiastic about her half-siblings, so she went upstairs to talk to her best friend about it. The conversation was overheard by her mom, who was devastated that her daughter didn’t feel “warm and fuzzy” about her other kids.
Then, the author’s stepfather proceeded to ask her to lie to her mom that she actually doesn’t feel this way so she would go back to being happy, but the teen refused, which got her called selfish. So, she asked Reddit what they think — is she selfish for not lying to her mom about her feelings?
Image credits: Jep Gambardella (not the actual photo)
Most of the people online said that the OP wasn’t wrong to refuse to hide her feelings. After all, she’s a person who’s entitled to feel the way she does, especially regarding the situation she’s in and everything she’s been through.
Yet, some of these netizens pointed out that the whole family would benefit from family therapy. Basically, it would help them all to communicate better because right now, the situation doesn’t seem the brightest in this area.
There are many types of family therapy, such as psychoeducation, family systems therapy, and many others. We aren’t mental health professionals, so our take isn’t qualified — it’s just a guess. And that guess is that the OP, her mom, and her step-father could all benefit from either narrative family therapy (helping to understand each other) or supportive family therapy (creating a safe environment where family members can share their feelings).
For the family to work, all the members need to be willing to do the work. If any of the members aren’t in therapy willingly, it really takes down their chances to work things out. So, since technically, the OP’s family is strangers to us, it would be quite unethical to speculate whether they would be willing to go to therapy or not. We already speculated enough that they would benefit from it. But, hey, who wouldn’t, right?
The mom got upset when she learned about it, while the stepdad called the teen selfish for not lying to her mom about her feelings, but people online reassured her that she wasn’t selfish
Listen, this girl has the right to feel the way she feels. Also, I'm surprised the mum doesn't realise that the way this girl feels makes complete sense. After all, she is much older and she has a different history. It's wrong for the mum to try to fit a square peg (the daugher) into a rond hole (the siblings) so to speak. Sure she has a mental picture of how things should be, but life is not about how things should be but about how things are. What I am afraid of is that the mum will start to see the older daughter as a kind of fly in the ointment of her perfect little family.
She's also 16. There's no way she'll see her new siblings in the same light she would a brother/sister closer to her age. There's just not that much they'll ever (or at least not for the next 15+ years) have in common. She may grow to like, even love, them, but there's a world of experiences she's already made growing up, and for the foreseeable future I can't believe they'll be much closer than they would be if she was a babysitter, cousin, or neighbour, especially if she starts on her adult life and moves out, reducing points of contact even more.
Load More Replies...Don't hide anything from mom and Harvey, but consider faking it when in the presence of the kids. It doesn't matter when they are babies, but you'll be out of the house before they are too big, and being friendly and supportive will go a long way to having them be happy and healthy. You don't have lie and fuss over them, but be kind and indulge a little. Then reteearnbacknto your place/life and don't stress about it. Adults should be able to handle complex things like feelings, kids need time.
I am contrasted about it. On one hand, you don´t have to love someone else babies. And if you don´t have very strong feelings, well that is it. But on the other, saying so is really harsh. All the more so to your own mother. They are no less her kids than you are. See how it is probably harder for her ?
But the daughter didn't ask for daddy to die, mummy to remarry and have 2 more kids and she certainly had no input in any of it. She has no responsibility for making her mum feel better about herself.
Load More Replies...This reminds me of when I was a kid and complained once that I didn't like driving 9 hours to stay with my unloving grandparents at their run-down, not climate-controlled house for a week twice a year, often over Christmas. My mom got really angry and upset and cried at me for saying I didn't like doing it, because they were her family. Which I get, but also I really did hate it. To this day certain smells and kinds of decor and things will make me feel depressed because they remind me of my grandparents' house. I had to pretend for literal decades that I enjoyed those trips. It was low-key awful.
The daughter is being normal. The mother is expecting something irrational.
The Mom is delusional. She should be Happ her daughter wants her to be happy and was fine with her dating and remarrying. She shouldn't expect her already teen daughter to love her husband like a father or for her to love her half siblings like siblings. My father had a full sibling that was 12 years younger. My father went to Vietnam when his little brother entered kindergarten. They didn't really develop a relationship until his brother went to college. The age difference is enough to make for a very different relationship.
Cut your Mom a little slack. When my husband ran off with his best friend's wife - leaving me with 4 boys 12 to 6 m. When I thought of the best ways to raise our sons to adulthood - My #1 priority was their safety and happiness. Your Mom really had the best intentions hoping she could give you a "Good 2nd Dad" and she could provide you the love and security of a "family". Unfortunately she didn't take into account that your teenage years are a Rollercoaster ride of hormones, physical and psychological changes. Tough years for everyone. The feelings or lack of feelings you are dealing with are temporary. By the time you are in your twenties you and your feelings will be completely different. You will possibly be married with children. Your siblings will be 10 or older by then. PLEASE slowly take the time to get to know them. Two toddlers could someday become two of your favorite people.
I grew up as the middle child of 3 (in a span of 5 years); then, I was 16 when my youngest brother was born and 23 when my youngest sister was born. I always expected to become a Mum, so I was right into it! Having said that, I'm nowhere as close to the "younger set" as "my own" - I put it down to a generational/age thing. I can certainly see that my 2 younger siblings probably felt they had 2 Dads and 3 Mums, as everyone was educating them, watching out for them, etc. Mum and Dad did separate when the youngest was 3 (he had anger issues that were scary for her and Mum needed to protect her from that) but he was still in our lives. So the age gap is real, it does make a difference.
I was a fifteen/sixteen year old when a two year old step sister and half sister came into my life, I will say I felt nothing for them outside of being a babysitter/"other parent" that did change as I grew older and they grew older. Yes there is sisterly love there but the majority of my feelings towards them is one of parentage. I even tell people I've already raised kids and one is an adult now and the other is almost an adult, because I did I took care of them and unfortunately didn't get to be a teenager I was working to pay bills and take care of kids. NTA
I got one better- there's 23, yes, 23 years difference between me and my older sister- and yes we have the same mother and father! Try to build a relationship when you're the "surprise" child and get treated completely differently than the first because the grandparents were still alive and she was raised by my mom's mother. She graduated college the year I was born. She and her husband (a covert narcissist) made more decisions about my life than I did, and my mom treated her husband better than me, even though I was her child. If I would have stopped college when dad was dying, and get a job, and then go back like I wanted to, I'd have a life and a career. Now I have a career as my mom's full-time caregiver because my sister and her husband won't step up. I'm almost 40 and have never had a life that was my own to live.
I agree with the last person. maybe the bond will get stronger when they're older and start being more interactive, and you may find you have things in common, similar interests and so on. I have three half sisters, and although we didn't grow up together (different mum) they're every bit my sisters to me. we don't see each other frequently, we live all over the country from each other now, but I know any of them would be there for me in a heartbeat. even though I was technically the result of their dad leaving their mum for a younger model. hats off to their mum, she was never unkind about my mum, and understood it wasn't HER fault. and we did spent time together growing up, even though we didn't live under the same roof. I agree it's probably more an age gap thing than about whether they are full or half siblings. if you're not into babies, as I'm not, they have to get older and more interesting before you start getting a proper bond with them.
Listen, this girl has the right to feel the way she feels. Also, I'm surprised the mum doesn't realise that the way this girl feels makes complete sense. After all, she is much older and she has a different history. It's wrong for the mum to try to fit a square peg (the daugher) into a rond hole (the siblings) so to speak. Sure she has a mental picture of how things should be, but life is not about how things should be but about how things are. What I am afraid of is that the mum will start to see the older daughter as a kind of fly in the ointment of her perfect little family.
She's also 16. There's no way she'll see her new siblings in the same light she would a brother/sister closer to her age. There's just not that much they'll ever (or at least not for the next 15+ years) have in common. She may grow to like, even love, them, but there's a world of experiences she's already made growing up, and for the foreseeable future I can't believe they'll be much closer than they would be if she was a babysitter, cousin, or neighbour, especially if she starts on her adult life and moves out, reducing points of contact even more.
Load More Replies...Don't hide anything from mom and Harvey, but consider faking it when in the presence of the kids. It doesn't matter when they are babies, but you'll be out of the house before they are too big, and being friendly and supportive will go a long way to having them be happy and healthy. You don't have lie and fuss over them, but be kind and indulge a little. Then reteearnbacknto your place/life and don't stress about it. Adults should be able to handle complex things like feelings, kids need time.
I am contrasted about it. On one hand, you don´t have to love someone else babies. And if you don´t have very strong feelings, well that is it. But on the other, saying so is really harsh. All the more so to your own mother. They are no less her kids than you are. See how it is probably harder for her ?
But the daughter didn't ask for daddy to die, mummy to remarry and have 2 more kids and she certainly had no input in any of it. She has no responsibility for making her mum feel better about herself.
Load More Replies...This reminds me of when I was a kid and complained once that I didn't like driving 9 hours to stay with my unloving grandparents at their run-down, not climate-controlled house for a week twice a year, often over Christmas. My mom got really angry and upset and cried at me for saying I didn't like doing it, because they were her family. Which I get, but also I really did hate it. To this day certain smells and kinds of decor and things will make me feel depressed because they remind me of my grandparents' house. I had to pretend for literal decades that I enjoyed those trips. It was low-key awful.
The daughter is being normal. The mother is expecting something irrational.
The Mom is delusional. She should be Happ her daughter wants her to be happy and was fine with her dating and remarrying. She shouldn't expect her already teen daughter to love her husband like a father or for her to love her half siblings like siblings. My father had a full sibling that was 12 years younger. My father went to Vietnam when his little brother entered kindergarten. They didn't really develop a relationship until his brother went to college. The age difference is enough to make for a very different relationship.
Cut your Mom a little slack. When my husband ran off with his best friend's wife - leaving me with 4 boys 12 to 6 m. When I thought of the best ways to raise our sons to adulthood - My #1 priority was their safety and happiness. Your Mom really had the best intentions hoping she could give you a "Good 2nd Dad" and she could provide you the love and security of a "family". Unfortunately she didn't take into account that your teenage years are a Rollercoaster ride of hormones, physical and psychological changes. Tough years for everyone. The feelings or lack of feelings you are dealing with are temporary. By the time you are in your twenties you and your feelings will be completely different. You will possibly be married with children. Your siblings will be 10 or older by then. PLEASE slowly take the time to get to know them. Two toddlers could someday become two of your favorite people.
I grew up as the middle child of 3 (in a span of 5 years); then, I was 16 when my youngest brother was born and 23 when my youngest sister was born. I always expected to become a Mum, so I was right into it! Having said that, I'm nowhere as close to the "younger set" as "my own" - I put it down to a generational/age thing. I can certainly see that my 2 younger siblings probably felt they had 2 Dads and 3 Mums, as everyone was educating them, watching out for them, etc. Mum and Dad did separate when the youngest was 3 (he had anger issues that were scary for her and Mum needed to protect her from that) but he was still in our lives. So the age gap is real, it does make a difference.
I was a fifteen/sixteen year old when a two year old step sister and half sister came into my life, I will say I felt nothing for them outside of being a babysitter/"other parent" that did change as I grew older and they grew older. Yes there is sisterly love there but the majority of my feelings towards them is one of parentage. I even tell people I've already raised kids and one is an adult now and the other is almost an adult, because I did I took care of them and unfortunately didn't get to be a teenager I was working to pay bills and take care of kids. NTA
I got one better- there's 23, yes, 23 years difference between me and my older sister- and yes we have the same mother and father! Try to build a relationship when you're the "surprise" child and get treated completely differently than the first because the grandparents were still alive and she was raised by my mom's mother. She graduated college the year I was born. She and her husband (a covert narcissist) made more decisions about my life than I did, and my mom treated her husband better than me, even though I was her child. If I would have stopped college when dad was dying, and get a job, and then go back like I wanted to, I'd have a life and a career. Now I have a career as my mom's full-time caregiver because my sister and her husband won't step up. I'm almost 40 and have never had a life that was my own to live.
I agree with the last person. maybe the bond will get stronger when they're older and start being more interactive, and you may find you have things in common, similar interests and so on. I have three half sisters, and although we didn't grow up together (different mum) they're every bit my sisters to me. we don't see each other frequently, we live all over the country from each other now, but I know any of them would be there for me in a heartbeat. even though I was technically the result of their dad leaving their mum for a younger model. hats off to their mum, she was never unkind about my mum, and understood it wasn't HER fault. and we did spent time together growing up, even though we didn't live under the same roof. I agree it's probably more an age gap thing than about whether they are full or half siblings. if you're not into babies, as I'm not, they have to get older and more interesting before you start getting a proper bond with them.
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