Teen Hasn’t Celebrated A Single Birthday In 13 Years Because Her Twin Died At Birth, Finally Retaliates And It Makes Her Mom Furious
As a kid, birthdays were a time of excitement and joy, with cake, hanging out with friends, and, of course, presents. More than anything, it’s also a time to mark the passing of age and get one step closer to being an adult.
One internet user asked the online community if they were wrong for disrespecting a family tradition by celebrating their birthday for the very first time. She had the misfortune of her twin brother passing during childbirth, and her family declaring the day exclusively a time of mourning.
Normally, a birthday is one of those first occasions where a child can celebrate themselves
Image credits: varyapigu (not the actual photo)
A girl asked the internet if she was in the wrong for celebrating her own birthday for the first time
Her parents had always forbidden her from having a party on that particular date
Image credits: Polina Tankilevitch (not the actual photo)
Image credits: SunTime2
While it might seem arbitrary, children are more sensitive to specific age categories
While it might seem strange that annual birthday celebrations only go as far back as the ancient Romans, it’s important to remember that keeping track of specific days needs a consistent and fairly accurate calendar system. This might sound harsh, but the welfare of children was not seen as particularly important until the 19th century, as long as the child survived. By the 20th century, people had at least the inkling that children need special care and should probably not be neglected. Anthropologists also began to note the positive effects of marking birthdays, since it helped the kid feel accepted in society and understand the general passage of time.
Image credits: halfpoint (not the actual photo)
The person in this story shared that she finally went against her parents’ orders for her 13th birthday. She noted that many of her friends had sizable celebrations to mark becoming a teen and she wanted the same. Children are particularly sensitive to certain age markers, like becoming a teen, or turning 16, 18 or even 21. These ages stand as barriers to certain privileges, like driving, drinking and having general independence. As a result, kids attach a significance to these particular days that might elude an adult who no longer cares. After all, once you’re in your mid-twenties, you probably prefer to not think about aging anymore.
Kids need birthday celebrations to feel like they are a part of society
Young children sometimes even believe that the birthday party itself is what makes you age. The most creative will consider having multiple, consecutive parties to age faster. But in reality, party or no party, your age increases regardless. Even so, because children and even teens attach such importance to these dates, not observing them, even with a small, symbolic party, can still cause increased stress levels, since they do not get the closure of ‘finishing’ the previous age category. Simultaneously, they don’t experience the ‘ritual’ of entering the next category. Part of this involves peers and others in their group ‘witnessing’ their transition, between, say, teenagehood and adulthood.
Image credits: Pressmaster (not the actual photo)
So by denying their child any parties, the parents in this story are stopping her from getting any closure for her childhood and making her feel ostracized from her peers. Gift receiving is also an important part of any birthday celebration. And who doesn’t like a gift? But as adults, ultimately, we can and generally do buy ourselves things we want and need. But a child, particularly a younger child, has no such agency. They have to rely on others for everything, including gifts. Children already are prone to comparing themselves endlessly to their peers and will feel significant distress if they feel like they are inferior.
Commenters shared support for the teen and agreed that she was in no way at fault
This whole story was horrible, but what makes me furious was that the mom was open and just said “I wished you had died instead” like what parent does that?
I wonder from what country family comes, because there is countries (sadly) where parents are disappointed to have a daughter and sons are more wanted.
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You're making a judgment based off only what the young girl wrote. You have no idea what the grieving mother is dealing with, how hard it is for her to get past her son's death. It's taken me 16 years to learn to cope with my son's death....which was 16 years ago. I'm American born and bred, so I knew about grief therapy and I took advantage of it. But this woman may not know about such services, and that a therapist can help greatly. Don't be so quick to judge harshly what you see only a few sentences of.
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I get the feeling that if she had died and her brother survived the mom would be throwing extravagant parties every year to celebrate. I hope she can stay strong and remember she is worthy and it's her mom that has a problem.
My friend had twins, a boy and a girl, but the boy only survived a couple of minutes. They throw the biggest party for their little girl every year because they want her to know how much they appreciate her. Do they miss their son and brother every day? Of course, but they have also learnt to move forward.
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The mum is a pure 8879/100% a*****e. Who even SAYS horrible stuff like that to their own daughter?! Except abusive parents who even said ‘I wish your brother made it instead’?! She just probably desires after her baby being a BOY and now at every annual point of her DAUGHTER’s birthday she’s going to stick her abusive behavior even MORE at her daughter.
I just watched a movie(semi accurate biopic if I understand correctly) called Qala about basically the same scenario... Twins, boy and girl, girl survives and boy doesn't, mom blames the girl and abuses her for the rest of her life because of it, leading the girl to a full on mental breakdown, murder and eventually suicide. I hope OPs story turns out better :(
This. Her mom isn't just stuck on mourning the brother; she's blaming the daughter for his death and punishing her for it.
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Her mom is hideous and I hope the second she turns 18 she leaves and never looks back. Agree with the poster who said she will soon be standing there alone, wondering how she lost her daughter, too.
My older sister and I were born on the same day, 8 years apart. She got the cake, I got a cupcake. One year, when I was an adult and having my own birthday with my husband, my mother called me selfish for not attending the surprise party she planned for my sister. On my birthday. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to attend or that I might have other plans.
I am a twinless twin and how your mother treats you is DISGUSTING. You lost YOUR TWIN just as much as she lost her son...but guess what, he was closer to YOU than he ever was to his dearest mommy. Your mother isn't grieving. I think it's a narcissistic move to get everybody to focus on her. What normal person brings up the death of a baby ever single year for 13 years, spends an entire day focusing on this childs death, meanwhile they have a living child in the next room over who they complete ignore and treat like garbage? I find it interesting that she is completely disrespectful and dismissive of you (and has been for 13 years) but expects you to respect her and YOUR dead twin. Does that sound normal to you? Because it's not. This family doesn't sound like they want children or that they are good parents. They wanted a fairytale story but reality served then a dish of...well, reality. I would go directly to a school counselor and tell them EVERYTHING. Call a child crisis hotline. At the very least, you need advice and therapy...your mom needs it too. Do you have anybody you can stay with? I would suggest you look into it. It'll give you a moment's peace, some time to focus on yourself and if your mom wishes you weren't around, oblige her stupid request. Make her eat her words. She had 2 babies, wants to focus on the one that's gone...and now she has no babies. TBH I don't know how you aren't self loathing and I'm sure you are. Who couldn't be after their mom said that to them? And I feel some congratulations are in order. I'm surprised you haven't locked your parents in their room while they sleep and then set the house on fire and walked away, never looking back. If my mom ever tried to throw my twins demise in my face, she would need reconstructive surgery, have brain damage and need care for the rest of her life. I was an only child and was horribly bullied and sexually assaulted early on in school. I'm 35 and I still get these fleeting moments where I wish Jessie was there and I wonder how different everything would've been had she of not passed away. It's a weight on my shoulders that I will never be able to release. I look forward to Alzheimer's or Dementia. I want to forget who I am, what I've gone through and the thoughts of how it could've been. You need therapy so that you can vent and develop some coping skills to your mom. You need to know that this is 100% a YOUR MOM problem, that she needs to deal with. Good job on your independent decision making. There was absolutely nothing wrong with you celebrating your birth. Continue doing so. Your mother is entirely wrong and even more so for celebrating your brother's death while blatantly refusing to celebrate your life.
Jocelyn, not dementia. YOU are the only one who really remembers Jessie.
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NTA you threw yourself a birthday party because you AH parents wouldn't. Be happy, and don't feel sad or bad at all.
Normally I would say, for a little extra pocket money. But in the case of this family, who knows
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My youngest brother was a twin but sadly his twin didn't survive. He had a party every year just like we did. Looking back as an adult, my Mum must have had many thoughts about the boy that didn't survive. She never showed that to us. You have every right to have fun, a life and even party on your birthday.
Not only are you NTA, you are an amazing person and well-loved friend to put this together on your own without your family's help. Your mother is wrong wrong wrong on all possible levels. What she said to you, she said in anger, and also she's fixated on the negative (your brother died) not the positive (you lived and are an amazing kid). She needs professional help dealing with this. And, really so do you. You've grown up with this cloud, and it would be so healthy for you to sort it out with a counselor. You deserve wonderful things. Happy Birthday…and many more Happy Birthdays to come!
I feel bad for her and can emphasize, in a way. I was born on Christmas Day, never had a party on my birthday, got "combination" gifts and instead of cake I got pie. Not to mention my mother telling me, every year, how much it sucked to be in the hospital on Christmas Day 😕
My best friend was born on Christmas Day. I always send her a Christmas message and a birthday message every year about 3 minutes apart.
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Grief is amazing and takes so much to get past, however - where is the celebration of this girl's life and achievements??? Are the parents that sad and pathetic that they forget their beautiful daughter survived this tragedy. The brother is not there, he's gone but not forgotten. Sister must be put first.
You can also bet that had she perished and her brother lived the parents would be whooping it up every year celebrating their SON, and she would be forgotten as only a lowly female. Backwards beliefs and misogyny. And everyone's advice about a counselor is warranted you need someone in your side. Because they are just wrong wrong wrong. Also I'd be petty and if she brings up the I wish you died, I'd clap back with no I wish you died during childbirth and my brother survived with me because you are a horrible parent.
You can work at age 12 in the US? Saving up all the money from a part weekend job to buy supplies?
You can babysit at 11. It isnt going to be alot but if you are good at it or there are a lot of younger kids in the neighborhood a few months of that can add up.
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There's a sarcastic phrase - "Excuse me for living!" Apparently some feel that it should have a literal application here.
Your brother died but you lived. They should celebrate your life as they could of very easily lost you both.
Sweetheart, this may not help, but I hope it does; your mother is having a very hard time coping with your brother's death, and probably always will. She feels like a failure that her son died, even though it wasn't anything she was responsible for, and now she feels that she shouldn't be celebrating the date of your birth when your brother is dead. It's sad that she doesn't try to get help, therapy, but perhaps she doesn't know there is grief therapy available? It helps hugely---I know, because when my son was killed 16 years ago, the therapist was so, so kind and helped me through that terrible time. Would your mother consider some kind of help? Such help is available pretty much everywhere in America, even online and via telephone.
This resonated with me on many levels. My mum was like the Martha Stewart of the family. She’d make exquisite things for family and friends. For some reason, though, she didn’t really do stuff like that for me. My dad’s friend once offered to throw me a party, and she said no. So, no Sweet 16, no high school graduation, no 18th, no 21st…you get the idea. The only party she ever did for me was for my 6th birthday, and the guests were all grownups. When I was 9, I made my own party. I baked a (rather droopy) cake, and invited some other kids. We had a blast! Lol, when I got married, we eloped, and she wailed that I had ruined *her* plans for my beautiful wedding … Don’t let your mother’s misguided sorrow rob you of your right to shine extra bright on your big days. Everyone deserves to feel special, and even if you have to do it for yourself, enjoy your day and know that one day your family will be your partner and kids, and they will celebrate you as your mother never did.
I feel so terrible for this young lady. Her mother telling her that she wished she'd died instead of her brother really hit home for me. It's something that will stick with her forever. I left from an abusive home when I was 14yrs old and was fortunate enough to have grandparents that took me in. I had gotten really sick but couldn't find a dr that would see me without parental or legal guardian consent. My grandparents were fighting for legal guardianship but my parents were making it really difficult. My grandfather asked if she would at least sign an affidavit so they could take me to a dr. I wasn't supposed to see this but I came across the response letter from my mother to my grandfather. *sigh* I'm not proud of reading someone else's mail but I did and what has stuck with me was "I don't care whether she lives or dies! I'm not giving her a damn thing. She's your problem now, you can deal with her!" Maybe I was wrong for reading it but it confirmed I was right in running away in the first place. It still hurts me and I read that letter 28yrs ago. It's not something a child should ever have to here from someone who is supposed to love them. 😢
What a disgusting person their mother is, who the f**k says "I wish you died instead of your brother" when your kid has a secret birthday party because you refuse to have one for them. What a s****y excuse for a parent
My mother was the godmother of her sisters' son. He was a few months younger than my sister and sadly, my sister died when she was three and ngl, that is hard on a family. My aunt got sick on almost every milestone (think confirmation etc) and as eldest sister and godmother, my mom had to step in as replacement. She once told me it almost killed her every time because she did with her nephew what she couldn't do with her daughter but she gritted her teeth, hid her grief and celebrated and was merry for HIS sake, because it was no fault of his and he deserved to be celebrated. It was difficult for him as his mother could not attend. OP, honey, you are defined NTA and frankly, celebrating on another day wouldn't have made a difference imo. I wish I could give you a hug and you have every right to celebrate your life. I wish you many happy returns and many celebrations in the future.
I understand wanting a party. My birthday is Dec 21. You can imagine how busy everyone was. When I was in grade school, mom would make a cake just for me. Later, I asked if she would continue with the birthday cake and maybe wrap one of my christmas presents as a birthday gift. If she didn't have time, a store bought cake was fine. My mom was a star. My sister converted to Jehovah's Witness when her oldest was about 4. No more parties for her family. I felt / feel so sorry for them and other JWs and other sects that don't celebrate life's milestones.
The mum needs grief counciling, she will never change how she feels about her daughter until she's able to say goodbye properly to her son. That being the case the op should talk to the school counselor about what is happening at home because this will need other adults to step in to help change what's going on. Without knowing both sides of the story I'd hate to say this is an abusive situation but it is not healthy
The mom is the a-hole here. She not only made the child’s birthday a day of mourning instead of the happy time it should be, but she even punished the child for celebrating her own birthday! She even straight-up said she wished that child died instead of her brother!
Momy dearest needs help. So, she wishes the daughter was dead, does she? Well, she can have her wish, at least it will appear so for her when the daughter goes nc as soon as she can.
I only ever had one birthday party with friends in like May or something for my 10th. But that’s because my real birthday is in the summer and so my friends would be doing other stuff. For my real parties it’s with family. Although my mom has always been super overprotective so I wonder if she just said that because she thought I would die if I had a party with friends or something.
What horrid parents. Poor kid, I hope it gets better for her when she finally leaves home.
Well let's put it this way. Ask her if you had died and your brother had lived would she be celebrating his Birthday on the correct day of his birth? If the answer is yes then GTFO as soon as you can and NEVER look back. If the answer is no then atleast there's a fairness in that. I know you're only 13 and saying something is a lot easier than doing it and living through the consequences but it's better to be your own person than be around that toxic c**p.
I suspect that on top of never having dealt with the grief in a healthy way, the mother finds parenting a challenge, and any challenges to her authority are viewed as the daughter being difficult and stressful; by comparison she seems to consider the boy as perfect and idealised, because she never got to experience him going through childhood, and the difficulties and stresses that inevitably arise. Thinking (erroneously) that one child was perfect whilst realising the other is not has led to resentment and unrealistic expectations of the daughter. It could well be that the mother comes from a background where dealing with such issues is taboo, but regardless, it is atrocious parenting, cruel and destructive to continue in this manner for over a decade, not to mention the negative effects it will have had on the mother herself.
When OP reaches 18 (I guess that's the legal age in the States), mum and dad are gonna find out they had no children when OP decides she wants nothing to do them once she is capable and legally allowed to stand on her two feet. OP is NTA and I am just curious as to how they are gonna react when reality checks them hard (especially miserable mum) and they finally realized they have no children as one died ages ago while the other metaphorically died a slow death when she realized she was just the remnants that they accepted but didn't care about. Smh...
There is one other possibility: the mom has PTSD from the birth and trauma, and doesn’t realize it. PTSD can have flare ups on anniversaries of the trauma. She may be unable to “get it together” enough to do something for the remaining child’s birthday. I hope that a friend of the mother can figure this out and get her some help.
What a crock. AITA has just become a place where deluded people post made up stories.
How naive to think these sort of situations never happen. Must be nice living with your rose tinted glasses always on.
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My mother never had birthday parties for any of her children. A neighbor decided to give one on my sister's birthday. Even though I was given gifts too, it wasn't my celebration. I finally got mine when I turned 40. At minimum, my mom was fair to all. No parties. On that note, she wouldn't have cared if I held one, just not at home
And then the parents wonder why their surviving child goes NC as soon as they turn 18 and move out. If they're allowed to move out. This whole thing is so unhealthy, I worry for OP.
My wife had a still born child from her first marriage, mid 90's. I feel real sympathy for her situation, but come that time of year, both my daughters and my own life are forgotten. It is like walking on egshells for my daughter and myself till the day after, but any help from us is refuted or just becomes a war. I lost a dear friend when I was 8, I lay flowers on his aniversary, but make no overt demands. Am I in the wrong here?
Sounds like your wife needs to seek help for her grief. I too have lost babies, though I wouldn't dare dream of making living with me so uncomfortable. Have you tried talking to her about her behavior? Is she aware of it? My husband sat me down and asked if I was okay after losing our last child. I didn't realize how withdrawn I became in my grief. Big hugs to both of you.
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I understand where the mother is coming from but to completely disregard the fact that you have a living child is insane!!! This poor person having to provide a birthday party for themselves at 13 is unbelievable!!
I guess Anne Frank didn’t exist. Oh right WW2 never happened. Won’t be long before 9/11 didn’t either. Unhappy? Never happened. Can’t write like a Nobel Laureate? Don’t exist. /s
Load More Replies... What in the world is an "award" for telling this story? Comments like that make me KNOW that these stories are fake. People are giving you an "award" for sharing your family problems? I really think these stories come out of a college writing (or psychology) class and these writers are being graded for what kind of reactions they get from readers. Thanks for the "awards", Ya'll.
The awards are on the comments not the original story and it's just something that Reddit does. it doesn't mean a story isn't real.
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Did I understand this right? Is this a dig at OP for wanting to not he an abused neglected child? Because uts nit about assimilation. Its about treating your living child at least equal to that of your dead child. It's not about birthday traditions in different countries. If I read this wrong, then fine, but that's how it came off.
Load More Replies... This whole story was horrible, but what makes me furious was that the mom was open and just said “I wished you had died instead” like what parent does that?
I wonder from what country family comes, because there is countries (sadly) where parents are disappointed to have a daughter and sons are more wanted.
Load More Replies... You're making a judgment based off only what the young girl wrote. You have no idea what the grieving mother is dealing with, how hard it is for her to get past her son's death. It's taken me 16 years to learn to cope with my son's death....which was 16 years ago. I'm American born and bred, so I knew about grief therapy and I took advantage of it. But this woman may not know about such services, and that a therapist can help greatly. Don't be so quick to judge harshly what you see only a few sentences of.
Load More Replies... I get the feeling that if she had died and her brother survived the mom would be throwing extravagant parties every year to celebrate. I hope she can stay strong and remember she is worthy and it's her mom that has a problem.
My friend had twins, a boy and a girl, but the boy only survived a couple of minutes. They throw the biggest party for their little girl every year because they want her to know how much they appreciate her. Do they miss their son and brother every day? Of course, but they have also learnt to move forward.
Load More Replies... The mum is a pure 8879/100% a*****e. Who even SAYS horrible stuff like that to their own daughter?! Except abusive parents who even said ‘I wish your brother made it instead’?! She just probably desires after her baby being a BOY and now at every annual point of her DAUGHTER’s birthday she’s going to stick her abusive behavior even MORE at her daughter.
I just watched a movie(semi accurate biopic if I understand correctly) called Qala about basically the same scenario... Twins, boy and girl, girl survives and boy doesn't, mom blames the girl and abuses her for the rest of her life because of it, leading the girl to a full on mental breakdown, murder and eventually suicide. I hope OPs story turns out better :(
This. Her mom isn't just stuck on mourning the brother; she's blaming the daughter for his death and punishing her for it.
Load More Replies... Her mom is hideous and I hope the second she turns 18 she leaves and never looks back. Agree with the poster who said she will soon be standing there alone, wondering how she lost her daughter, too.
My older sister and I were born on the same day, 8 years apart. She got the cake, I got a cupcake. One year, when I was an adult and having my own birthday with my husband, my mother called me selfish for not attending the surprise party she planned for my sister. On my birthday. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to attend or that I might have other plans.
I am a twinless twin and how your mother treats you is DISGUSTING. You lost YOUR TWIN just as much as she lost her son...but guess what, he was closer to YOU than he ever was to his dearest mommy. Your mother isn't grieving. I think it's a narcissistic move to get everybody to focus on her. What normal person brings up the death of a baby ever single year for 13 years, spends an entire day focusing on this childs death, meanwhile they have a living child in the next room over who they complete ignore and treat like garbage? I find it interesting that she is completely disrespectful and dismissive of you (and has been for 13 years) but expects you to respect her and YOUR dead twin. Does that sound normal to you? Because it's not. This family doesn't sound like they want children or that they are good parents. They wanted a fairytale story but reality served then a dish of...well, reality. I would go directly to a school counselor and tell them EVERYTHING. Call a child crisis hotline. At the very least, you need advice and therapy...your mom needs it too. Do you have anybody you can stay with? I would suggest you look into it. It'll give you a moment's peace, some time to focus on yourself and if your mom wishes you weren't around, oblige her stupid request. Make her eat her words. She had 2 babies, wants to focus on the one that's gone...and now she has no babies. TBH I don't know how you aren't self loathing and I'm sure you are. Who couldn't be after their mom said that to them? And I feel some congratulations are in order. I'm surprised you haven't locked your parents in their room while they sleep and then set the house on fire and walked away, never looking back. If my mom ever tried to throw my twins demise in my face, she would need reconstructive surgery, have brain damage and need care for the rest of her life. I was an only child and was horribly bullied and sexually assaulted early on in school. I'm 35 and I still get these fleeting moments where I wish Jessie was there and I wonder how different everything would've been had she of not passed away. It's a weight on my shoulders that I will never be able to release. I look forward to Alzheimer's or Dementia. I want to forget who I am, what I've gone through and the thoughts of how it could've been. You need therapy so that you can vent and develop some coping skills to your mom. You need to know that this is 100% a YOUR MOM problem, that she needs to deal with. Good job on your independent decision making. There was absolutely nothing wrong with you celebrating your birth. Continue doing so. Your mother is entirely wrong and even more so for celebrating your brother's death while blatantly refusing to celebrate your life.
Jocelyn, not dementia. YOU are the only one who really remembers Jessie.
Load More Replies... NTA you threw yourself a birthday party because you AH parents wouldn't. Be happy, and don't feel sad or bad at all.
Normally I would say, for a little extra pocket money. But in the case of this family, who knows
Load More Replies... My youngest brother was a twin but sadly his twin didn't survive. He had a party every year just like we did. Looking back as an adult, my Mum must have had many thoughts about the boy that didn't survive. She never showed that to us. You have every right to have fun, a life and even party on your birthday.
Not only are you NTA, you are an amazing person and well-loved friend to put this together on your own without your family's help. Your mother is wrong wrong wrong on all possible levels. What she said to you, she said in anger, and also she's fixated on the negative (your brother died) not the positive (you lived and are an amazing kid). She needs professional help dealing with this. And, really so do you. You've grown up with this cloud, and it would be so healthy for you to sort it out with a counselor. You deserve wonderful things. Happy Birthday…and many more Happy Birthdays to come!
I feel bad for her and can emphasize, in a way. I was born on Christmas Day, never had a party on my birthday, got "combination" gifts and instead of cake I got pie. Not to mention my mother telling me, every year, how much it sucked to be in the hospital on Christmas Day 😕
My best friend was born on Christmas Day. I always send her a Christmas message and a birthday message every year about 3 minutes apart.
Load More Replies... Grief is amazing and takes so much to get past, however - where is the celebration of this girl's life and achievements??? Are the parents that sad and pathetic that they forget their beautiful daughter survived this tragedy. The brother is not there, he's gone but not forgotten. Sister must be put first.
You can also bet that had she perished and her brother lived the parents would be whooping it up every year celebrating their SON, and she would be forgotten as only a lowly female. Backwards beliefs and misogyny. And everyone's advice about a counselor is warranted you need someone in your side. Because they are just wrong wrong wrong. Also I'd be petty and if she brings up the I wish you died, I'd clap back with no I wish you died during childbirth and my brother survived with me because you are a horrible parent.
You can work at age 12 in the US? Saving up all the money from a part weekend job to buy supplies?
You can babysit at 11. It isnt going to be alot but if you are good at it or there are a lot of younger kids in the neighborhood a few months of that can add up.
Load More Replies... There's a sarcastic phrase - "Excuse me for living!" Apparently some feel that it should have a literal application here.
Your brother died but you lived. They should celebrate your life as they could of very easily lost you both.
Sweetheart, this may not help, but I hope it does; your mother is having a very hard time coping with your brother's death, and probably always will. She feels like a failure that her son died, even though it wasn't anything she was responsible for, and now she feels that she shouldn't be celebrating the date of your birth when your brother is dead. It's sad that she doesn't try to get help, therapy, but perhaps she doesn't know there is grief therapy available? It helps hugely---I know, because when my son was killed 16 years ago, the therapist was so, so kind and helped me through that terrible time. Would your mother consider some kind of help? Such help is available pretty much everywhere in America, even online and via telephone.
This resonated with me on many levels. My mum was like the Martha Stewart of the family. She’d make exquisite things for family and friends. For some reason, though, she didn’t really do stuff like that for me. My dad’s friend once offered to throw me a party, and she said no. So, no Sweet 16, no high school graduation, no 18th, no 21st…you get the idea. The only party she ever did for me was for my 6th birthday, and the guests were all grownups. When I was 9, I made my own party. I baked a (rather droopy) cake, and invited some other kids. We had a blast! Lol, when I got married, we eloped, and she wailed that I had ruined *her* plans for my beautiful wedding … Don’t let your mother’s misguided sorrow rob you of your right to shine extra bright on your big days. Everyone deserves to feel special, and even if you have to do it for yourself, enjoy your day and know that one day your family will be your partner and kids, and they will celebrate you as your mother never did.
I feel so terrible for this young lady. Her mother telling her that she wished she'd died instead of her brother really hit home for me. It's something that will stick with her forever. I left from an abusive home when I was 14yrs old and was fortunate enough to have grandparents that took me in. I had gotten really sick but couldn't find a dr that would see me without parental or legal guardian consent. My grandparents were fighting for legal guardianship but my parents were making it really difficult. My grandfather asked if she would at least sign an affidavit so they could take me to a dr. I wasn't supposed to see this but I came across the response letter from my mother to my grandfather. *sigh* I'm not proud of reading someone else's mail but I did and what has stuck with me was "I don't care whether she lives or dies! I'm not giving her a damn thing. She's your problem now, you can deal with her!" Maybe I was wrong for reading it but it confirmed I was right in running away in the first place. It still hurts me and I read that letter 28yrs ago. It's not something a child should ever have to here from someone who is supposed to love them. 😢
What a disgusting person their mother is, who the f**k says "I wish you died instead of your brother" when your kid has a secret birthday party because you refuse to have one for them. What a s****y excuse for a parent
My mother was the godmother of her sisters' son. He was a few months younger than my sister and sadly, my sister died when she was three and ngl, that is hard on a family. My aunt got sick on almost every milestone (think confirmation etc) and as eldest sister and godmother, my mom had to step in as replacement. She once told me it almost killed her every time because she did with her nephew what she couldn't do with her daughter but she gritted her teeth, hid her grief and celebrated and was merry for HIS sake, because it was no fault of his and he deserved to be celebrated. It was difficult for him as his mother could not attend. OP, honey, you are defined NTA and frankly, celebrating on another day wouldn't have made a difference imo. I wish I could give you a hug and you have every right to celebrate your life. I wish you many happy returns and many celebrations in the future.
I understand wanting a party. My birthday is Dec 21. You can imagine how busy everyone was. When I was in grade school, mom would make a cake just for me. Later, I asked if she would continue with the birthday cake and maybe wrap one of my christmas presents as a birthday gift. If she didn't have time, a store bought cake was fine. My mom was a star. My sister converted to Jehovah's Witness when her oldest was about 4. No more parties for her family. I felt / feel so sorry for them and other JWs and other sects that don't celebrate life's milestones.
The mum needs grief counciling, she will never change how she feels about her daughter until she's able to say goodbye properly to her son. That being the case the op should talk to the school counselor about what is happening at home because this will need other adults to step in to help change what's going on. Without knowing both sides of the story I'd hate to say this is an abusive situation but it is not healthy
The mom is the a-hole here. She not only made the child’s birthday a day of mourning instead of the happy time it should be, but she even punished the child for celebrating her own birthday! She even straight-up said she wished that child died instead of her brother!
Momy dearest needs help. So, she wishes the daughter was dead, does she? Well, she can have her wish, at least it will appear so for her when the daughter goes nc as soon as she can.
I only ever had one birthday party with friends in like May or something for my 10th. But that’s because my real birthday is in the summer and so my friends would be doing other stuff. For my real parties it’s with family. Although my mom has always been super overprotective so I wonder if she just said that because she thought I would die if I had a party with friends or something.
What horrid parents. Poor kid, I hope it gets better for her when she finally leaves home.
Well let's put it this way. Ask her if you had died and your brother had lived would she be celebrating his Birthday on the correct day of his birth? If the answer is yes then GTFO as soon as you can and NEVER look back. If the answer is no then atleast there's a fairness in that. I know you're only 13 and saying something is a lot easier than doing it and living through the consequences but it's better to be your own person than be around that toxic c**p.
I suspect that on top of never having dealt with the grief in a healthy way, the mother finds parenting a challenge, and any challenges to her authority are viewed as the daughter being difficult and stressful; by comparison she seems to consider the boy as perfect and idealised, because she never got to experience him going through childhood, and the difficulties and stresses that inevitably arise. Thinking (erroneously) that one child was perfect whilst realising the other is not has led to resentment and unrealistic expectations of the daughter. It could well be that the mother comes from a background where dealing with such issues is taboo, but regardless, it is atrocious parenting, cruel and destructive to continue in this manner for over a decade, not to mention the negative effects it will have had on the mother herself.
When OP reaches 18 (I guess that's the legal age in the States), mum and dad are gonna find out they had no children when OP decides she wants nothing to do them once she is capable and legally allowed to stand on her two feet. OP is NTA and I am just curious as to how they are gonna react when reality checks them hard (especially miserable mum) and they finally realized they have no children as one died ages ago while the other metaphorically died a slow death when she realized she was just the remnants that they accepted but didn't care about. Smh...
There is one other possibility: the mom has PTSD from the birth and trauma, and doesn’t realize it. PTSD can have flare ups on anniversaries of the trauma. She may be unable to “get it together” enough to do something for the remaining child’s birthday. I hope that a friend of the mother can figure this out and get her some help.
What a crock. AITA has just become a place where deluded people post made up stories.
How naive to think these sort of situations never happen. Must be nice living with your rose tinted glasses always on.
Load More Replies... My mother never had birthday parties for any of her children. A neighbor decided to give one on my sister's birthday. Even though I was given gifts too, it wasn't my celebration. I finally got mine when I turned 40. At minimum, my mom was fair to all. No parties. On that note, she wouldn't have cared if I held one, just not at home
And then the parents wonder why their surviving child goes NC as soon as they turn 18 and move out. If they're allowed to move out. This whole thing is so unhealthy, I worry for OP.
My wife had a still born child from her first marriage, mid 90's. I feel real sympathy for her situation, but come that time of year, both my daughters and my own life are forgotten. It is like walking on egshells for my daughter and myself till the day after, but any help from us is refuted or just becomes a war. I lost a dear friend when I was 8, I lay flowers on his aniversary, but make no overt demands. Am I in the wrong here?
Sounds like your wife needs to seek help for her grief. I too have lost babies, though I wouldn't dare dream of making living with me so uncomfortable. Have you tried talking to her about her behavior? Is she aware of it? My husband sat me down and asked if I was okay after losing our last child. I didn't realize how withdrawn I became in my grief. Big hugs to both of you.
Load More Replies... I understand where the mother is coming from but to completely disregard the fact that you have a living child is insane!!! This poor person having to provide a birthday party for themselves at 13 is unbelievable!!
I guess Anne Frank didn’t exist. Oh right WW2 never happened. Won’t be long before 9/11 didn’t either. Unhappy? Never happened. Can’t write like a Nobel Laureate? Don’t exist. /s
Load More Replies... What in the world is an "award" for telling this story? Comments like that make me KNOW that these stories are fake. People are giving you an "award" for sharing your family problems? I really think these stories come out of a college writing (or psychology) class and these writers are being graded for what kind of reactions they get from readers. Thanks for the "awards", Ya'll.
The awards are on the comments not the original story and it's just something that Reddit does. it doesn't mean a story isn't real.
Load More Replies... Did I understand this right? Is this a dig at OP for wanting to not he an abused neglected child? Because uts nit about assimilation. Its about treating your living child at least equal to that of your dead child. It's not about birthday traditions in different countries. If I read this wrong, then fine, but that's how it came off.
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