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10 People Reveal The Reason Their Kids No Longer Speak To Them
Article created by: Mindaugas Balčiauskas
I was once told that being a parent is like living with your heart walking around outside of your body. If you have kids, it’s likely that they are the center of your universe, and there might be at least a small part of you thinking about them at all times. So the idea of not being able to contact your children might be heart wrenching, but unfortunately, it’s not a particularly unique experience. A quarter of adults report being estranged from at least one parent, and while this might be a mother or father's worst nightmare, it usually doesn’t happen for no reason. Moms and dads with children who have cut off contact have recently been opening up on Reddit about what led to their estrangement, so we’ve gathered some of their most honest responses below. Keep reading to find a conversation with Empty Nest Coach Pamela Henkelman, and be sure to upvote the replies that hit home for you.
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#1
Father to the daughter that cut off contact with her mother, my wife, here.
Mother is (still) a narcissist, emotionally and mentally abused the kids until they moved out one by one. Mother also a functioning alcoholic.
The daughter (moved to a different state) cut off all contact with her mother, vowed to never let her see the grandchildren. Mother spent months raging, trying weak apologies, saying things like, "I'm sorry you're upset." and "You need to grow past what happened." and (to me) "She is stuck in the past."
Daughter and I are very close, I facetime with the grandbabies regularly, and visit on holidays.
Edit to add: thanks everyone for your insight and stories. I feel every one. To answer some questions:
Why am I still married?
My youngest daughter has one more year of college that I'm paying for, then that will be it. I make significantly more money than the wife, and pay for everything. However, my state is a 50/50 state for divorce, and I need that money to get my girl through college. Up for grabs is my military pension, 401k, IRA, house, and savings. I'm certainly not rich by any means. Cheaper to keep her for now.
Why didn't I leave way back then?
She wasn't a psycho all the time. The good times were great, amazing. I hoped that if I could just keep those going it's all work out. I was stupidly optimistic. I also came from a broken family, my parents divorced when I was young and I hated that. In my mind "divorce was bad" and I didn't want to inflict that on my kids. Now that I can look back I realize I should have left much earlier.
Too often it was like walking on eggshells in the house. She may snap on something, or get drunk then come out raging and gaslighting. I was always on edge. That was my norm. Being in the military has taught me to toughen up and do job. So that's what I did at home.
But toughening up meant keeping my emotions to myself. Burying them away, putting on a strong face. We'd argue and fight, she'd cry and yell. I could never get her to change.
People that are in abusive relationships get into a certain mindset. You ever hear a cabinet slam too hard? Ever have clothes folded at you? Hear dishes put on the sink a little too loud? You're suddenly on high alert, on the lookout for anything coming your way. Waiting for the steps down the hall and your door fly open. It's a terrible way to live.
I should have made many different decisions, been stronger, gotten help earlier. Maybe being always in survival mode doesn't let you think about those things. I regret many things and will always carry that with me.
But now I look to the future and the happy times I'll have with my kids grandkids. I want to be the papa and grampa I never had.
Thanks for reading this far, I'd love to give you all a big dad hug. Because you are worth it, and you deserve it. Take care. ♥️.
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#2
Not me but I was on a Facebook group a few weeks back where this older woman in her 60s claimed to be estranged from her kids, and she didn't know why. She assumed that the kids were hard to deal with and she did her best but no matter what they were always out to get her or feel that she was being aggressive.
When someone made a comment or suggestion saying that the way she phrases things may contribute to it based on how she spoke, this woman flipped out on the person who commented. When I followed saying if that's how she speaks to them, then I can see why they may feel that way, she flipped out on me saying I don't know her story and that she was the nicest person she ever knew.
Some people just genuinely don't have the mental capacity to learn how to grow.
#4
My mom loves the non apologies. “I’m sorry you’re upset.” “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” “I think we all need to learn to forgive.” Who knows what she says to my dad, who knows how to apologize, but, when the cards are down, is never *actually* apologetic.
It’s exhausting.
#5
Father of three adult daughters here. I'll give the situation as it exists now then try to explain how/why it got there.
-- Oldest had completely cut me out of her life. We were always distant, even when she was younger, but it got much worse as she got into her 20s. We didn't speak for years. She is now 33 and we occasionally message when she initiates the convo. The coldest has thawed some but it is still delicate.
-- Middle girl is my carbon copy and we had a good relationship when she was younger. When she hit late-teens we drifted apart. Now she is 28 with four kids, only the oldest of which I've ever met. Not allowed to see the others. We rarely if ever message each other.
-- Youngest daughter treated me like I walked on water. Did so until just a couple of years ago. Recently (just a week or so ago) she informed me she no longer wants any contact with me.
As for the how/why part, I was raised in a single parent home. My mother did her best to provide for our needs but she was cold and distant. No hugs. Any event in school I was automatically blamed before she had any details. If it was proven I was innocent, she would brush off her previous accusation by claiming she was sure I probably did something anyway. Lots more I can add here. Some of it too sensitive to share even in an anonymous board.
I hated the way she was and vowed I would do things differently when/if I had children. Well, I had children. While I did attempt to change my behaviors from what I'd experienced, I slowly added my own ingredients to this soup.
Essentially, I ran our home as a military installation. My girls were quickly and harshly disciplined for even the most minor of offenses. While there were occasional spankings when they were little, the discipline evolved into very binary (go / no go) rules. For instance, you are expected to get this minimum score on a test at school or you can't go to your friend's house on the weekend. You didn't make that grade, you were not going. If you cried and begged and pleaded, you were still not going but now I would restrict / remove some other thing you wanted for not accepting your fate. And so on.
When they did things that were good, I would more or less dismiss this as me not rewarding them for what they should have done anyway.
Basically, they couldn't win.
I believed at the time that I was building strong girls into strong women. It feels as though I've done the exact opposite.
On the rare occasions I do hear from them, and the subject of the past comes up (this is very rare) I get the "I don't hate you but I don't want you in my life." speech. It's deserved but that doesn't lessen the sting.
My hope for the future is, as they grow older, time passing will allow them to be more comfortable around me. As they are all adults now, my desire to control them as I did when they were kids is gone. I simply want an adult-child/parent relationship. I guess I haven't earned that right, but I still hope for it one day.
This comment is late in this post's life so it probably doesn't really get seen; nevertheless, it has been cathartic to type it out.
#6
I had a daughter that my parents kept making plans to come see, but then cancelling the day before each time. The last time, when my daughter was already packed to go see grandma and grandpa, and we had been hyping it to her for weeks, they called and cancelled the trip with no excuse and then I later found out they went to a baseball game with their friends instead. I was used to this kind of abandonment and would laugh it off in the past, but as I held my 6 year old daughter while she cried her eyes out, I vowed she’d never know that kind of unreliability in her life. That was the last time I spoke to them. My wife wrote them a letter a few years ago, but they never wrote back. My daughter is 14 now and I am toying with the idea of allowing her to meet them since she’s more mature, but they’d probably just cancel again. .
#7
My mother and I didn’t talk for a few years. When I went away to college she said, “If you get on that plane, don’t bother coming back home.” I fell in love while in college and got engaged and he abused me. I never told my mom because I didn’t think she cared. It was my brother that came to another state to check on me. I finally did come back home but things were never the same.
#8
My mom and I stopped talking for a 14 year stretch. When my son was very little, we were on vacation with my mother. My wife and I had a small disagreement about his breakfast and afterwards, my mother pulled me aside and said I should take my son with me to a hotel for a few days to teach my wife a lesson. I disagreed, telling her that I didn't feel that I should be taking marital advice from a woman who had been divorced 3 times. She didn't take it as well as you might think. /s We finally started taking again when my grandmother passed away and have been fine ever since.
#9
In my case, the catalyst was January 6th. We had a family group chat and we were exchanging information about what we were watching with our own eyes. My oldest son started chiming in saying it wasn't that bad and the news was overblowing things. Up to that point I had no idea how far gone down the conservative hole he had gone. Of course he waited until after I moved him into a new apartment in the middle of July, cosigned for the apartment and paid the security deposit before he decided to cut contact.
He has gone no contact with the entire family with the exception of a conservative BIL, which we get along with fine. I thought we had shown all of our children how to get along with others even if their opinion differs. I guess that lesson didn't sink in.
#10
I am one of those Moms who always felt that providing for my kids, taking them on vacations, buying them what they needed was enough, didn’t realize love and nurturing were essential ingredients. Now my daughter is 28 and cannot hold a job, emotionally insecure, depressed and blaming me for her failures. She made me realize ( and therapy helped ) that how my actions, behavior might make a child feel they are not valued or loved. I am remorseful and regretting all my actions but unfortunately cannot undo the damage caused.
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Indrė Lukošiūtė
Mindaugas Balčiauskas
Ieva Pečiulytė
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