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Diagnosed Narcissists Leave A Mark On Everyone They Meet And These 32 Stories Prove Exactly How
It’s amazing that mental health is no longer taboo, but people should really consider treating themselves if they are diagnosed with something. After all, if you have a burning fever, of course, you would get medication, right? The same should be the case with mental issues.
If it goes untreated, people’s behavior can end up traumatizing others, and these heartbreaking stories are living proof. Folks have shared their experiences meeting, dating, or living with someone professionally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Some of these are so distressing, they may shock you. Scroll down and check them out!
More info: Reddit
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#1
I work in mental health and have met patients who have a genuine diagnosis of NPD. It’s interesting because some present as charming, albeit manipulative, and others are entitled and mean. The common denominator is they are always the main character.
I used to work at a psych ward and there was a couple clients that made the whole unit nearly rejoice in celebration when they were discharged, they were just so awful.
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#2
I dated him. He was diagnosed and I knew it pretty early on in the relationship.
Initially, I felt like I’d found my soulmate - he just somehow seemed to know my deepest desires and painted a beautiful picture of the future we would have together.
I had this feeling of exhilaration at the beginning - which, looking back, was very much my brain trying to fire anxiety/fear signals at me to tell me this was not a good idea.
It was a tumultuous relationship and very emotionally a*****e. I ended it and went back probably 10 times before I learned my lesson. He was great at apologizing, but never saying he was sorry.
You become very familiar with manipulation and gaslighting.
I have reached a point where I pity him deeply. He wants love and to be loved, and it’s this ethereal thing that he will never grasp, because he simply lacks the ability to be authentically and vulnerably human.
It has definitely coloured my relationships since. I am very, very slow to trust and have limited patience for unkindness and words not matching actions. .
#3
It’s my mother. It was always *weird* growing up because you never knew what the “rules” were. I’d be in trouble for something one week, and the next it was a funny joke and a “yes, be who you want to be”. It was a constant feeling of letting them down by not being perfect at what she wanted me to be perfect at (also needed to become an engineer, me becoming a scientist was NOT good enough). Not liking the hobbies she liked? Oh yeah, that’s a screaming match about how lazy and ungrateful you are. And if you don’t give them attention when they want it? Congrats, that’s equivalent to s******g on their bed and calling their mother a w***e (even though she’d call her mother the same thing!)
It’s a constant state of unease. Of never knowing if what you’re doing is correct or not. It weighs on you for years after you even cut the person out of your life.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is actually a pretty new addition to the medical world, having only been officially recognized as an illness in the last 50 years. To really get why experts look at it the way they do today, you have to go all the way back to ancient Greek mythology.
The story goes that a young man named Narcissus was incredibly handsome. When he caught a glimpse of his own reflection in the water, he fell totally in love. He was so mesmerized that he couldn't bring himself to leave, eventually wasting away right there at the water's edge. Long before it was a clinical diagnosis, philosophers and thinkers were already fascinated by this kind of extreme self-admiration.
Back then, they usually referred to it as "hubris," which described a level of arrogance so intense that it made a person lose their grip on reality. The term NPD is a modern way for psychologists to categorize these traits. However, the human struggle with the ego is a story we’ve been telling for thousands of years.
#4
My exhusband and our daughter have both been diagnosed with bipolar one with narcissistic personality disorder with psychopathic tendencies. They are both prone to extreme violence with no warning to their significant other and even their children. My daughter masks better than her dad but she had an honest conversation with me telling me she feels nothing for no one that doesn’t serve a purpose for her and she didn’t understand why her children bothered her crying she didn’t care about them. She even asked me how it feels to feel. They both self medicate with alcohol. They both take great joy in playing with people and their emotions. They are prone to violent outbursts. She love bombs men (she’s breathtakingly beautiful) and always uses them and then abuses them. One day I expect my daughter to more than likely k**l someone. Add in to that bipolar mania and psychosis it’s a terrible combination. She scares me the same way her dad did but I love her because she’s my child. She’s lost custody of three of her kids for safety reasons. As a child she tortured pets so we didn’t have any, she caught the house on fire, she was brutal to her younger brother.
#5
I was married to one, in addition to the diagnosis of malignant npd he was also diagnosed as sociopathic. You never saw anyone try as hard as he did to be charming and loveable, and an all around upstanding citizen while stealing from his job, lying for no reason- all the time, having affairs and blaming me for having affairs, gaslighting the hell out of anyone and everyone, being an a*****e p***k behind closed doors and triangulating everyone even family in these dramatic power plays.
But not HITTING me, and how could he be a*****e if he didn't hit me?
It took me so long to accept what I experienced was a***e.
I still think I must have done something wrong.
It was absolutely nuts.
#6
My dad was diagnosed.
He tried to k**l me when I was fourteen (which is why he finally lost custody). He genuinely believed he was the smartest man in our state, even over his heroes, which were talk show political radio hosts. He was obsessed with me registering in Mensa because he tested poorly when I was a kid. He k****d my cat in front of me with a hammer. He liked to drive in opposing lanes of traffic on back roads on the Oregon Coast, describing how we'd look d**d in the car submerged in the ocean below. He told me he could read my mind and I believed it. When I was a toddler, he broke my leg and left me for four days unattended crying--my mom returned from her vacation and rushed me to the hospital.
He had books upon books, which he made me alphabetize. Probably thousands. He had read maybe 2 of them. He said he spoke 5 languages; I was more fluent than him after a year of middle school French. He people watched obsessively, picking out their flaws, and sometimes following them home just to watch them more from their windows (I would be stuck with him). He kicked the dog, he threw beer bottles, and he didn't believe the h*******t actually happened. He also did a lot of CSA I just don't even want to discuss.
Worst person I've ever known. Ruined family after family. Strangled two of his wives (they lived, but divorced). Despite the RSO, he still would email and call weekly once he relocated out of state. To this day, he still emails my job's customer service with "compliments to my daughter" s**t.
I'll probably delete this, but f**k real narcs. I hate how overused the word is, because it's really a different disorder than someone just being self-focused or selfish or "bad." It's scary as s**t to be trapped in.
Edit: This got so many eyeballs, really overwhelming. Quick addition below so I can stop feeling bad about all the unanswered replies.
To any survivors: I replied to a few comments but I'm really sorry to everyone who had a similar dad. I noticed so many people saying my dad was worse or theirs was like a light version of theirs. I strongly encourage you to stop that kind of thinking. Any type of neglect like an alcoholic parent, a narcissistic parent, or even just a mildly absent one is sooooo awful to experience. Try to think of it like a medical situation to see how you're invalidating your own "illness" (a***e). Imagine saying you only had one type of cancer vs another more deadly type of cancer or whatever before explaining this horrible ordeal you barely survived and think about for decades. Like you still had cancer, sure some can more survivable or whatever, but it was still horrible luck to go through that and it was a bad experience you should have never went through
Research shows that in the early 1900s, narcissism moved from myth to science through psychoanalysis. Sigmund Freud famously suggested that we’re all born as "primary narcissists" who focus our energy inward. He believed that as we grow, we learn to share that love with others, but we need to receive affection in return to keep our own self-esteem balanced and healthy.
By the 1950s and '60s, researchers like Otto Kernberg and Heinz Kohut dug deeper into the idea. Kernberg identified different types of narcissism, while Kohut argued that a bit of self-focus is actually a normal part of growing up. He suggested that if our early relationships lack the right support, it can make it much harder to maintain steady self-esteem later in life.
All this research finally paid off in 1980 when narcissistic personality disorder was officially added to the DSM-III, the go-to manual for mental health. This gave doctors clear rules for diagnosing it for the first time. Even though experts still debate the details today, those core diagnostic standards have remained pretty much the same for decades.
#7
I’ve worked in forensic mental health so it’s pretty common. People with NPD are quite sad when you have the luxury of not being in a personal relationship with them. Usually they have a lot of trauma, and they are in a lot of pain. If they feel like they are on the weak end of a power struggle they absolutely freak out. It’s usually a survival strategy they had to develop out of necessity at some point.
Their sense of self is very underdeveloped, almost like parts of them haven’t grown past 2 or 3 years old.
They struggle a lot but can’t admit to themselves that they’re struggling.
As a professional I have a lot of compassion for them. I would not want to be in any kind of relationship with them though.
#8
I had a friend once who openly told me herself of her narcissistic diagnosis. She seemed proud of it but detached from it and curious about it.
We weren't friends for long because she was the worst kind of bully and ringleader who saw herself as a queen bee. She manipulated our whole friend group against each other, was ragingly paranoid, and always conniving. Incredibly charming personally in short bursts, and always able to find people with low self esteem to surround herself with. I broke off our friendship the night she woke me up up to scream at me over the phone because I didn't answer her text messages (I was sick with a 102 fever.)
Once I told her I didn't f**k with her, she became somewhat obsessed with me and by turns would try to charm me and destroy my reputation. She followed me from fringe friend group to fringe friend group because I never accepted her back and never trusted her. To this day she tries to find out how I'm doing from mutual friends even though we live half a country away, and still talks badly about me. She was offended I didn't make her a bridesmaid in my wedding even though we hadn't spoken for two years.
#9
My best friend was married to one and was living in a nightmare for over 20 years. He’s a horrible human who destroyed his family and left her and their 4 kids destitute. He has no remorse for his a***e, neglect and him gambling away all of their money. He somehow finds a way to play the victim card making her feel bad.
It’s actually a bit of a mystery exactly how many people have NPD. Studies suggest that anywhere from 0.5% to 5% of people in the U.S. might have the disorder. It tends to show up more often in men, accounting for about 50% to 75% of cases.
However, these numbers might not tell the whole story. Many people deal with what’s informally called "covert narcissism," where they keep those narcissistic thoughts and behaviors tucked away from the public eye. As it’s so easy to hide, experts find it pretty tricky to pin down exactly how common the condition truly is.
#10
One of my friends is diagnosed, like everything else, it's a broad spectrum. For him, he has an absolutely amazing family who've ingrained it in his head to be helpful and don't purposely cause any harm to someone.
If you're one of his family or a friend, he'd do absolutely anything to help you out. But he doesn't have any actual empathy for anyone else, and most likely not even for the people he's close to.
He just does not understand it. That doesn't mean he won't listen to me, or let me vent, and then try and cheer me up, it just means that I've had to explain a lot of basic human interactions to him and why they're important to the people he cares about. Turning it around as to how he would feel if someone did something to him or about him that makes him feel bad or unworthy in any way, and then he remembers it for the future. It's not that he truly feels empathy, but if he wants to maintain close relationships he has to understand that others feel and see things differently than he does.
Same goes for things that are positive. Because when *his* friends are happy, *he's* happy.
Sort of like all of the older women are church who'd help people out not because it was the right thing to do, but because it made *them* feel better about themselves.
In all honesty, he's one of my best friends because we can be extremely candid with each other without worry about judgement. I always know exactly where I stand with him, and he appreciates having a friend that can explain basic human decency.
It sounds extremely transactional, and it is, but I think it's one of my strongest friendships because we're so open about it.
#11
My ex husband was diagnosed with NPD after spending time in psych emerge. I was with him for 9 years, he also had anti social traits and borderline features. We have been separated for 6 years, and all i can say is the damage to myself and children is lifelong.
#12
I have a friend with NPD. She can be fun, she can be difficult. If you have been diagnosed, don’t give up hope there are good treatments for this now, far more so then in the past. That being said you do have to do the work. My friend keeps giving up on therapy because its hard. At the same time she wants an ideal life that will never happen if she doesn’t get her issues under control.
The DSM-5 identifies NPD through a pattern of grandiosity and a deep-seated need for constant praise. People with this disorder often get lost in fantasies of unlimited success or power and believe they are so "special" that they should only associate with high-status people. This usually comes with a strong sense of entitlement, where they expect others to automatically cater to their every whim.
Beyond just an inflated ego, the disorder also involves a struggle with empathy and healthy boundaries. This can lead to taking advantage of others for personal gain or feeling intense envy toward those who seem more successful. As they lack a genuine connection to others' feelings, their behavior often comes across as arrogant, haughty, or dismissive in social situations.
#13
My father was officially diagnosed in the last year at almost 80 years old. He is now in a nursing home with health problems and this has finally allowed him to get some psychiatric treatment - thus the diagnosis. It's been an amazing relief and weirdly vindicating.
I have described my Dad most of my life as a limited human being. Fortunately, his narcissism isn't malicious, it's just sad and unfortunate.
He may ask me a question about my life or my children's or husband's, but will revert the conversation back to himself within a sentence or two. As a result, he doesn't know what I do for a living, he can't remember where my kids go to school or how old they are or what my husband does or cares about. He never calls anyone on their birthday unless my sister reminds him. He talks endless and can't pick up context clues about people's desire to get away from him.
His ego is profoundly fragile. He cannot take responsibility for anything and is a pathological, uncontrollable liar. Anytime anything goes well, it was improbably due to his extreme heroism, intelligence or accomplishments. Anytime anything goes poorly, it's never his fault and only series of terrible events of which he was an unwitting victim, even about tiny things that no one cares about. Like if he forgot to stop at the store and get something as asked he would claimed that he was mugged. or that the store was closed due a power outage when it wasn't.
Anyone in a position of authority eventually becomes an a*****e to him because he can't stand any negative feedback AT ALL. He once quit a job because he got a poor performance review but we found out later that he told them (falsely) that he had cancer and thats why his work was subpar. He likes sympathy and attention and praise and profoundly dislikes anything else, including people that just aren't very impressed by him. He is very charming when you first meet him but eventually people catch on to his lies and then he loses friends. His brothers and sisters won't speak to him.
He is extremely materialistic about weird things and likes everyone to think that he is rich and successful and spends money he doesn't have to make it look that way. If I do something, he has to do it too. When I got engaged to my husband, he got engaged to a woman we'd never met a month before my wedding. When I bought a car he particularly admired, he bought a similar one a month later. He is profoundly broke now and living on VA disability because he squandered his money on poor choices and it eventually because a hoarding disease.
He is obsessed with the looks of his children - it's nice that we are reasonably attractive but it's gross the way that having pretty daughters and grandchildren is clearly important to him - like we're things that he can brag about instead of people with feelings and value beyond our looks or jobs or ways that we make him look good.
Hope that helps.
#14
Exhausting. My mom complaining in the room after my dad d**d about how hard it’s going to be for her and how much paperwork there is going to be for her to do. Dad wasn’t even cold yet, he stopped respiration, choked, died, and the complaining started. Nonstop about how hard it was for her for 2 solid years. I spent 18 months at her place away from my wife because she refused to lift a finger to act like an adult. I lined up daily delivery meals, shuttle service do dialysis, people to sit with her, basic medical appointment scheduling. I tried to go out to dinner with my wife for my birthday and she said she was going to call 911 that I had been abusing her. Her behavior before this point had led me to install security cameras and wear a body cam around her so I had it all on video but claims of elder a***e are serious, just the investigation process can cost you your job. Her dialysis buddy died, “oh not now I won’t have anyone to talk to”, I had a medical emergency and had to get surgery “well what am I supposed to do while you are just laying around?”, I was so sick I was carrying around a trash can to barf in and she feigned the inability to open a delivery container to get food out of it because she *demanded* that I do it for her. So I did. Just grabbing handfuls of pasta. While vomiting.
Sorry for the lack of formatting, once I started typing it kinda poured out.
#15
I did group therapy for personality disorder (I was diagnosed at the time with mixed PD with borderline and obsessional, and schizotypal features, but later ‘un-diagnosed’ - complicated situation). Anyway, usual way to dx PD these days is to say personality disorder with x features rather than ‘this PD explicitly’ as most are complex patients. Thus, I did meet some with narcissistic and also antisocial traits in my group therapy, but they were also complex people with lots going on in their lives. They were more than ‘just’ NPD.
Very often quite a traumatic history going back to early childhood and you could clearly tell their behaviour was a defence mechanism in response to their environment which was often honestly still actively traumatic. Sometimes there would be anger or defensiveness but it was obviously grounded in a need for self-protection and perceived attack. Typically quite low self-worth even if they would not immediately admit it. I was really surprised and taken aback how one girl with antisocial feature treated me with a lot of kindness despite her original hostility - I think we came to respect one another by way of shared difficult experiences and though empathy did not come naturally she clearly really tried to make an effort. She had a really f*****g tough life with homelessness and foster care etc and I hope she’s doing well now.
Another in the group could be invalidating about my own difficulties because she perceived the idea of others suffering to be somehow invalidating to her - she had to have the biggest problem in the room. It was a bit difficult for me because my mum is exactly the same way and indeed that was something I was in the group (Schema) for. But I could tell in her case she was doing this because she was having such a s**t time, a****d by her parents, and she felt like if she did not make her problem bigger than everyone else’s then she would feel like nobody was listening. Most people in her life weren’t, to be honest.
I’m not a naturally empathetic person but I’m pretty rational and doing therapy with these people helped me to understand their behaviour. I would guess those I experienced were mostly not the grandiose type narcissists (there are 2 subtypes) but one girl made me wonder. Not really qualified to diagnose.
The psychiatry podcast has a great episode on mentalisation based therapy for NPD which I heard many years after I did this schema group. It made so much stuff click in those past experiences. This idea of ‘pretend mode’ (intellectualising one’s difficulties into a particular narrative) was really common as those in the group struggled to feel or understand their emotions. I saw this happen a lot. To be honest, even tho I don’t have narcissistic traits, the alexithymia also resonated for me so I understand where it came from. And most of these people had been through horrible experiences which probably made those emotions really challenging to work thru, plus they never learned regulation strategies. One thing I learned from this and the podcast is that treatment is possible and people can change. .
Experts claim that living with or being close to someone with narcissistic traits can be incredibly draining. Their tendency to manipulate and shift blame often leaves you questioning your own worth. Since they usually prioritize their own needs and struggle to listen truly, it creates a cycle of misunderstanding that can make you feel invisible or unheard.
It’s a tough spot to be in. No wonder some of the stories in the list are truly harrowing. Anyway, dear readers, that’s it from our end, as we leave you to peruse the remaining list. If you have ever met, dated, or lived with a diagnosed narcissist, feel free to share your experiences with us in the comments below!
#16
Just out of an (eight) years long "relationship" w one. Diagnosed by LMHC and two other therapists, one who stopped seeing her because she was determined to be not treatable. Sorting out what was even real in the relationship. If things seems rushed or off, they are. Love bombing. Gas lighting. Emotional manipulation. Verbal, mental and physical a***e. Lying. Emotional monster behind closed doors.... but to the public they are cute and fashionable and creative. Walk on eggshells. Any criticism becomes about you and your response... not them or what prompted you to even say something. No accountability for their actions. Left a wake of emotional damage to her kids and myself. She cheated in the end also and told me "no, she didnt", then admitted to finding a new host... an ex from years ago. Parasitic in nature. When they can no longer manipulate (ie: extract) what they need... they leave you as a disposable product. They just get a new one. They leave others wondering to what end they were used or simply a part of the narcissists story, regardless of perceived importance to them. (Spouse, close friends relationship). This one spent 8 years using me and me thinking i could save her - change her - help her - and in the end... she smiled... squeezed lighter fluid all over our relationship, lit a match and walked away. Only a narcissist can make discarding you like trash seem like an actual favor to you. It is. You just have to hose yourself off real good.
#17
My FIL is diagnosed NPD and my MIL is diagnosed BPD (they divorced within 2 years - both went through a series of subsequent marriages and divorces. He’s had 4 or 5, and she’s on her 3rd, I believe).
Anyways - he’s a complete lunatic, so we haven’t seen him in years, but we get his occasional text rants.
A lot of his behavior occurs in swings and cycles. He NEEDS to be experiencing phenomenal highs, and NEEDS everyone around him to be experiencing the same thing. So, you can’t have a casual visit, it needs to be a party - more drinking, more d***s, more music, more, more, more - and if you want it to end he gets super pissy. Everything needs to be on his terms - he wont leave his house, you have to come to him. He decides what everyone is doing. He picks the food, the entertainment, etc. Everyone else is wrong about everything and everything is everyone else’s fault.
He LOVES to project this tough guy attitude - guns, military, steak, more guns, skulls, motorcycles, but he is the biggest p***y in the world. He’ll get into big fights with his son and I, get in your face and put his fists up (sometimes he’ll even try to throw a sucker punch), but the second he sees that your ready to throw down, he starts screaming “do it! Hit me! I’ll sue you! I’ll call the cops and press charges against your a*s!”
He also lies constantly about anything that he thinks makes him look good. When I first met him, he was EXTREMELY proud of being a former Navy Seal. He’s covered in Seals tattoos, Seals decals on his truck, etc. His entire family believed he had been a Seal. He had some old photographs from the Navy of him diving, and hanging out with other Navy guys. I asked him what group his was with, what years, CO, etc - not because I thought he was lying, but because I wanted to do something cool for him for Christmas (this was early days before I knew what a piece of s**t he was). I have some friends that are former team guys, they got me an invite into an online forum with a bunch of current/former team guys and I put up a post asking if anyone from his group and years had any photos they would like to trade - I was putting together a photo album for him for Christmas. Nobody had ever heard of him. Eventually, someone recognized him from a photo and said he wasn’t a Seal, he just worked on the crew that maintained the mini subs.
Anyways, he s***s.
#18
I have been diagnosed with NPD and am in therapy for it. I have done a lot of work on myself and can now acknowledge and somewhat alter my pattern of thinking and behavior.
I used to care a lot about what people think of me or people I associate with (I still do, but actively work through it). I would be dating someone and then one of my friends would say something negative or even ambivalent about that person I would dump them immediately.
I have trouble when people do better than me at things and I use to try and dismiss their success and even go as far as bully them. I now can acknowledge the uncomfortableness and not react negatively.
I also hate myself but also think I am the best.
Rejection felt and sometimes still does impact the way I see and few about myself.
Contrary to popular belief I don’t use people, and I don’t enjoy hurting people for the fun of it. I am reactive, I hurt when I hurt. I can now internalize the hurt instead of hurting other people but that took a long time to do. I also don’t just care about myself, I have people that I love deeply and I do the work so that I don’t hurt them.
It is possible to change, or at least challenge the way you think and behave. It is a lot of work but it is possible.
#19
Honestly? He is a genuinely good person. He accepts that he has it and has learned when and where to tamp the thoughts and behaviors down. He's confident without being arrogant and strives to be considerate of others. There are times he does something dumb and can't wrap his head around how it's negatively affecting others but that's the worst of it.
#20
M father. A liar, philanderer, a*****e, nasty, spiteful man who made my life hell. I wasn't 'perfect enough' at 15 he told me I was fat and a disgrace to the family - I look at the pictures and I wasn't fat at all.
He used to tell me he followed me home from school and watch me out with my friends (parents had divorced when I was 2) and on one of the days I was off sick. Pure lies. He was never wrong, when I was young and proved he was wrong he'd go silent. He'd call me names, really nasty names.
Ove the years I was too scared to answer him back as he was so nasty bully and vitriolic. If finnaly came to a head.
At the age of 40 I lost it and the temper he has that I was so scared of, well mine came out as I'd always suppressed it and he couldn't handle me. I could counter every argument as I don't lie and he couldn't remember his lies. It was christmas day and he told a table of 20 people I was his biggest disappointment. An hour later was the last I ever saw him and I told my step mum about his affairs, the 2 kids she doesn't know about, the cheating, womanising the lot. Deep down she knew but she liked to 'keep the peace' . He couldn't answer as it was the truth and I had their names. He screamed at me to get out and I laughed, genuinely laughed. All the years of being scared had gone. It pushed him over the edge and just before he went to hit me, my husband got him in a lock he couldn't get out of whilst I got all my stuff. One of his presents was a really nice picture of us that I smashed. I took every photo of me, husband and son out of the house. I walked out with my head held high and when my husband let go of him, I laughed at him again and we drove off.
I then went nuclear and one of his hobbies that he adored and had done for 40 years, I wrote to the Chairman and explained about the a***e, what he was like and had done (they knew and he was never popular as he was a know it all) and he was suspended and his name is on their books but he is picture isn't as he's 'not an active mwmber' and he doesn't go to any events.
He's now 84, hopefully he can't live much longer!
#21
Cold detached and glib. Always pushing a secret agenda and using others while taking all the credit. Lots of lies and contradicting stories. Usually living some secret life thats based on fantasy fulfillment that eventually leaves them feeling hollow. Then its on to the next thing that makes then feel superior or special regardless of how nuch it hurts the people around them. Basically their life is a house of cards within a hall of mirrors, precariously balanced and you never kbow what's true. After a while you learn to ignore the words and just watch the actions. Its like watching an angry attention-seeking toddler thats holding a handgun, best thing you can do is seperate your life from theirs and minimize the eventual downfall and damage as best you can. .
#22
I am the one who is professionally diagnosed with NPD. You wouldn't know if I didn't tell you.
From what I have been told by people I know and from what I have deduced based on how people treat me, I come across as a shy, timid, "good girl"-type (or whatever the male version of that is). I am socially awkward and have trouble asserting myself. I'm very much the opposite of the charming, confident manipulator people envision when they think of a narcissist.
Once people get to know me better and I feel more comfortable around them, they might notice a couple of narcissistic traits. I don't take criticism well and tend to get defensive even when it's justified and/or constructive. I always want to be the best, and believe anything less than that means I've failed. When I feel wronged, I tend to resort to passive aggressiveness instead of constructive communication. I can talk about myself and my own interests for hours and forget that I'm also supposed to show interest in the other person. I'm bad at comforting people, and don't really seem affected when someone close to me is suffering. I think of my opinions as objectively correct and don't consider other viewpoints.
Yet, most people still wouldn't clock me as a narcissist because I have the good sense to hide some of my narcissistic traits, because I know people don't tend to appreciate them and it won't help me keep friends, and also because I am still capable of rational thought and the awareness that some of my thoughts and feelings are complete nonsense - nonsense that is best kept away from others.
#23
My uncle has NPD. He’s exhausting. I think he even exhausts himself. He’s like a 6-year-old trapped in a 60-year-old’s body. He has almost no tolerance for his needs not being met, and he has a lot of needs. He’s constantly interrupting everyone around him. He’s very lonely. I feel for him, but I also can’t stand being around him for very long.
#24
My ex. I was in the room when the psychiatrist diagnosed him (he’d brought me to explain his brain to her). He was a*****e, emotionally and s******y. He was also homeless and disabled in a way that he couldn’t work (and attractive, so it worked less like a turnoff and more like a “aw you poor thing, it’s not your fault, let me save you” hook for kind women who fell for his b******t), and he had women waiting around on him to come stay with them and use them for food and medication and s*x. He was like a cult leader. Manipulative, guilt tripping, dominating. He love bombed me, moved himself in and isolated me from all of my friends within 3 months. I finally left him when he was trying to manipulate me (again) by threatening s*****e over whatever he was trying to get me to do for him, and I realized I wouldn’t actually care or feel guilty if he went through with it. I f*****g hate the fact that he stole a year of my life from me. F**k him.
#25
My former mother in law, who, in the ICU where her son was dying, was more concerned about who was going to take care of her when she needs to go in a home.
Not about him. Or his wife. Or his small kids. Her. It was only about her.
#26
My Mom. Vulnerable-type NPD.
She loves praise and being the center of attention. When she's happy and getting her way, she's fine. She's funny and charming and charismatic. When she doesn't get her way, or if shes just in a bad mood, she's a f*****g nightmare. She starts out by acting like you're just soooo mean. The self-pity party goes hard for a while. When that doesn't work she gets VERY mean. I've been called all sorts of names but upon reflection I believe her favorites are all projection: self-centered, selfish, entitled, ungrateful, unhelpful, spoiled brat, etc.
She also has what appear to be moments of clarity. She will give seemingly genuine apologies. She'll cry in regret of how she's treated me or things she's done. She seems to actually have a real understanding of her own actions and how and why they were wrong and hurtful, and expresses great remorse and self-loathing for her behavior. And she'll change. And it'll last for a while. But that nasty side always comes back eventually.
I never truly know if she's someone fighting her inner demons, or someone fighting to hide them. But I can tell you, my Mom had an extremely f****d up childhood and it explains literally everything about why she is how she is. That, and the fact that I can't exactly go pick out a different Mom, are why I give her some grace. A lot of it. But with extremely firm boundaries. It's not easy and it's affected me massively. Thank God for therapists.
#27
My ex-husband was diagnosed. He thought he would prove our marriage counselor wrong and not be found to have a personality disorder. I think this might be the only way they get diagnosed. They are trying to prove someone wrong.
He was an executive who made over $350,000 a year. His closest friends are all men who cannot hold jobs, have domestic a***e charges or severe mental health and d**g problems. This is because my ex needs to be worshipped by the people who surround him. A typical guy who loves his partner and cares about his kids would be able to figure out that my ex is empty and only says he is does those things because it makes him look good. My ex might be acquaintances with someone like that, but he would never be part of his inner circle. My ex will never apologize. He was high and crashed his car into a woman but still thought it was her fault and if the h****n had not had fentanyl in it, he would have been okay to drive. He even told me that if I had not been a b***h, he would not have gone out to get h****n from a dealer he didn’t know and then get fentanyl and o******e while driving. It would never truly occur to him that any of it was his fault, but at an NA meeting he would make it into a powerful story about losing himself and finding sobriety. It’s bizarre. He knows that other people need to hear him say these experiences changed him. So he lies and says they did.
Being with a person with NPD made me feel scared all of the time. I did not trust my memories. When my daughter was a baby he would not pay bills so our electricity would go out. I’d call him and he would pay the bill and the lights would come back on. He wanted me to know that he controlled every aspect of our lives and he could take everything away. .
#28
Mrs Barbarian was married to a clinically diagnosed narcissist. A few things stand out:
1) He is ***always right***, about everything. If the teachers said his son needed to get individualized one on one special education or go into the special ed track, then they were clearly wrong, didn't know what they were doing and were simultaneously all in cahoots to get out of having to actually do their jobs.
2) He was always deeply convinced that he had the right to oversee and control pretty much any situation he was on. He micromanaged his wife, nothing was ever good enough for him. When working as a temp in factory labour, he tried to tell union guys with decades on the floor how to do their jobs. And he did so in such a snarky and condescending way that Mrs Barbarbians brother working the same shift in a different section, had to intervene and get the MIC to boot his a*s out before the crew beat the s**t out of him.
3) after they broke up, he continually harassed her with endless inane demands. He used his son as a hostage, refusing to hand him over after a visitation unless and until she read and signed whatever poorly spelled screed he had whipped up. Basically every time he heard about a given thing that can happen in custody cases, he wrote up his misunderstanding of it and made her sign it. He genuinely thought this was legally binding.
4) After Mrs Barbarian got up the courage to take him to court and make formal custody arrangements, there was enough documented evidence (created by him himself) of his controlling nature that the judge literally said to her "what do you want out of this?" The only reason he got any visitation at all was because she didn't want to take her son's father away from him. The a*****e somehow convinced himself that meant he continued to have the right of oversight. He compared his role, vis a bis her raising of her son, as the senate, with the right to veto any babysitters, daycares or camps she sent the lad to.
5) His next GF had post partum depression. He deliberately preyed on that and made her much much worse. To the point she was found unfit to be a parent. And he ended up with custody of their girls.
6) He then molested one of those girls and a niece. recorded it and tried to sell the CSAM on the open web. And in court? He tried to blame the lack of psychological resources for his offending.
#29
Ex husband. He’d r**e me in my sleep and if I woke up he’d tell me I was rubbing up on him and initiating in my sleep. I didn’t realize I was getting night terrors from it bc I assumed it was from my bad childhood. He’d lie about cheating and hiring a hooker was the straw that broke the camels back ironically. I didn’t even realize the tape thing until we were divorcing bc I happened to be awake and he went in on his usual lies of my initiating in my sleep and touching him when I knew I was laying completely still.
Everyone loves him. He’s so d**n personable. No one suspects he is the way he is in public. His family think I’m a monster. Anyone that sees us together think we have an amazing coparenting relationship bc I do so much to make my children’s lives good. And he gets all the credit.
Everything was a judgement from him. Whether it was friends or coworkers. Nothing was ever good enough for him.
#30
My father diagnosed when he was 38
Living with him was like navigating a live mine field . Everything was self referential. So for example if you walked into the same room as him with a neutral facial expression , you’d be accused of having an issue with him . If you were actually upset about something he’d be asking if you were upset at him . Everything and I mean everything was about him . If you laughed at a funny incident ( like soup exploding he put in the fridge with a lid on ) he’d fly off the handle because you were “laughing “ at him . It was kinda like living with a very unpredictable person . One minute they are nice the next minute they are not and you learn to read tone as a result . As a parent he would push and I mean push me to excel at whatever it was he was interested in . My likes didn’t matter I was doing what he wanted when he wanted and I better be good at it . Also he was very focused on looks . I had to look a certain way he had to look a certain way and in my family’s case we were mostly very fit or thin becuase that’s what he associated with value . His temper and reality distortions aside I don’t view it all as a net bad . I did develop a very tough interpersonal style or relating to others . It’s pretty hard to intimidate or “cow” me as a result of him . And I insist of doing everything to the best of my abilities . He’s the reason I believe impossible is mostly just a word becuase I know if I try hard enough long enough I’ll eventually get to my goal . Which is actually what I saw him do . He was a chronic over achiever.
All that said he did have some very “dark “ traits that weren’t directed at me as much as they were other people . For example he would try to literally destroy others socially and materially if they got on his bad side or slighted him . He could be charming life of the party and in the next breath be out for social blood . Nothing and no one was off limits . All in all despite being my father and I loving him , I wouldn’t want to interact with anyone who is an actual narcissist if I could help it . It’s a lot, it’s exhausting , hard to explain and for short hand I call the ups and downs of this disorder the (insert fathers name ) roller coaster .
Oh and as a husband > not a very good one . He was very critical of my mother everything from her weight to her makeup to her hair to her friends . Very jealous , while also being unfaithful and even jealous of attention given to me and my sibling . He wanted all of her time , would demand she cook clean and work then spend her and his money . He always had the best clothes , best products , man toys and even foot wear while my mother wore the same pair of pants for 5 years . As a parent he wasn’t great but he was tolerable , as a husband he was a monster . From what I saw a marriage to someone with npd is a special brand of hell you’d be lucky to leave mentally intact.
#31
I’m sure there are going to be lots of horror stories in these comments but let me just say: my sister has NPD and I love her. I’m not gonna lie she’s not always easy to be around, especially for people who are meeting her for the first time. She tends to not notice when she’s talking over people and dominating the conversation and most conversations are about what she wants to talk about. But she tries to be self aware about it so often you can break her out of it by sort of pivoting the topic but not always. Honestly my sister is the type of person with a personality disorder that is far more likely to be taken advantage of then take advantage of others bc she self polices her own behavior to the point where I’ve seen her be easily manipulated by people who can convince her that if she just does what they suggested she’ll be a “good person”. It’s been a struggle to make her see that there are not good or bad people. Just people and we’re all doing our best, including her. But she’s not lovely all the time. She’s very argumentative and has a lot of really confusing opinions that she is very defensive about. And she’s not very good at making friends. You honestly have to know the person under the NPD to really tolerate her for long periods of time. But if you can stick it out she’s very loving, kind, and generous with her time.
#32
The most exhausting thing is the **lack of a 'baseline' personality.** Everything is a performance tailored to whoever is in the room. When they are 'on,' they are the most charming person you’ve ever met. When the mask slips, it’s like looking into a void. There is no accountability; every mistake they make is somehow your fault for 'making' them do it.
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