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52
Woman Confused Why Her Mom Doesn’t Help With Kids, Tackles Modern Grandparenting Double Standards
Many people can’t wait to be grandparents – to spoil the little ones in the family to no end, leaving the repercussions of their actions for the kids’ parents to deal with.
But not all grandparents are equally willing, or able, to spend a lot of time with their grandchildren, which this netizen found a little bothersome. Opening up to the Mumsnet community, she discussed what she describes as “modern grandparenting double standards”, pointing to how grandparents nowadays are not like they used to be back in the day.
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Modern-day grandparents are not what grandparents used to be back in the day
Image credits: gpointstudio / Envato (not the actual photo)
This woman was disappointed in the “modern grandparenting double standards”
Image credits: nd3000 / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TheCalmQuail
Some people feel pressured by their parents who want to have grandchildren
For many people with kids, becoming a grandparent is one of the main things they look forward to at an older age. And while some wait patiently, leaving it up to their kids whether or not to have offspring of their own, others make it clear that grandkids are something they expect.
Though, according to a YouGov’s survey from 2023, not that many people feel pressured by their parents to have kids. Only 9% of respondents said that the pressure from their parents played a major role in their decision to have children (vs. 25% of respondents saying that pressure from their partner did). For 6% of those surveyed, though, the pressure was put on them not by their own but by their partner’s parents.
The survey found that just over a half of the respondents believed it’s bad to pressure kids to have children of their own, while a third didn’t have as strong of an opinion on the matter. One-in-ten respondents thought, though, that it’s good to put pressure on the kids, if you want grandchildren running around at some point.
Part of why some people might be eager to become grandparents is because in many people’s opinion, grandparenting is easier than parenting. (The aforementioned survey found that as much as two-thirds of meemaws and peepaws think so.) Which means that as a grandparent, you get to enjoy all the fun parts, minus the sleepless nights and other difficult parts of being a parent.
Many parents turn to their own moms and dads for help with childcare
It’s true that for some people, there is nothing and no one more precious than their grandkids. Which is why many do all they can to help their kids raise their offspring and want to spend as much time as possible with them. But when that’s not physically possible, some turn to technology to maintain the relationship – data suggests that many grandparents use the telephone, video chats, or e-mail (46%, 24%, and 16% of respectively) to stay in touch with their grandkids.
For some people, that’s the only way they can stay in touch with their munchkins, as they often live miles away. Statista reveals that the majority—over 40%—of grandparents live more than 200 miles away from their grandkids. (Studies suggest that living more than 100 miles from the nearest grandparent is associated with the quality of the grandparent-grandchild relationship being reduced by 35%.)
Usually, a distance this great means less time spent with the grandchild, as well as less opportunities to help their parents with childcare, and it’s no secret just how invaluable such help can be. As much as 57% of moms and dads (with children aged under 13) rely on their parents when it comes to looking after the little ones. When a grandparent lives less than thirty minutes away, the number increases to as much as 72%, showing that distance does matter.
Contrary to the common belief, the practice of people looking after their grandkids benefits not only the parents who get a much-needed break. The grandparents reap the benefits, too! And I don’t just mean all the fun they have with their grandchildren. Studies suggest that people who watch their grandchildren tend to live significantly longer lives, CBS reports.
Despite the benefits, not every grandparent feels motivated to take initiative when it comes to spending time with their grandkids, which is what bothered the OP within her own family. She shared how back in the day, she would spend loads of time with her Nana, and she wanted her child to bond with their grandparents, too. But she felt that her parents weren’t as eager to be involved. Her thoughts on the topic started a discussion among netizens, who shared their two cents in the comments.
The mom shared more details in the comments
Many people saw where the woman was coming from
Others shared a different point of view
Some people shared different stories than what the OP described
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What do you think ?
David Beth 7 months ago
I read this whole article and still have no idea what "DC" means... and I don't even care anymore.
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Paul C 7 months ago
Seeing as nobody has mentioned it, I'll describe my situation and a possible explanation for some grandparents not being so involved with their children. My mother is mid 80s whilst I am in my 60s. I regularly go to do jobs in her house, which is 2 hrs each way away. My wife had health issues, so can't be in the car that long, so I have to leave her for a day to do this. I also work full time at a stressful job plus care for my wife, so I need some time to myself to keep myself fit and mentally well. I cannot afford to retire, as I still have a mortgage (thanks to an expensive divorce). If I collapse, my mother has to go into a home and my wife and I would be on the street. If my children (20s/30s now) have children, I would not be able to help much, as they are all 2-5 hrs drive away (each way). Where would I find the time to help??? Distance and time restrictions are two things earlier generations didn't have to deal with. Older people died younger and people lived closer.
V 7 months ago
My FIL is approaching 70, retired a couple of years back, but like ves a few hours drive away. We don't drive, and he's also primary carer for his mum in the nursing home, plus does the grounds at church. We see him half a dozen times a year. My MIL still works, and does a lot of child care for my SIL, so we don't see her much either.
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Alexandra 7 months ago
I think part of it is due to the individualization of society. The focus is more on 'me' and less on 'we'. Choices are seen, much more now than earlier, as 'your choice' so that the consequences of those choices are also seen as yours to deal with. Many of my mum's friends refused to babysit on a regular basis, partly because they felt they were seen as unpaid babysitters, partly because they felt that if you want kids and you want to retain a full-time job, you have to be able to make it work without involving non-professionals, simply because everyone wants their freedom.
Kit Black 7 months ago
Boomers were the last generation for whom birth control was not always an option, and many of them made it VERY clear how much they didn't want the kids they were ~stuck with ~... Not sure why anyone's surprised they don't want the grandkids either.
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KatSaidWhat 7 months ago
Why do people EXPECT their parents to look after their children - they have had to work and raise their own children and are now trying to live their best life with the remainder of their years. Daycare is available here. Grandparents don't have the energy to deal with toddlers and certainly shouldn't be expected to.
CP 7 months ago (edited)
I didn't get that at all from the post. OP just thought the family would hang out more together. Grandparents come over hang out, parents run errands and all have dinner together. It could be a once or twice a week thing. Humans work better when we cooperate and help each other out. Our society seems to have lost that.
Load More Replies...
on second thought.... 7 months ago
What's with all the abbreviations? I gave up on reading after the second paragraph, it's like wading through a continuous puzzle.
Rachel Pelz 7 months ago
Everybody is "dear". DC=dear child. DM=dearmother. Why it has to be pointed out that they are dear to OP...I don't know. Wouldn't have assumed anything else.
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Nils Skirnir 7 months ago (edited)
There are a lot of reasons. One is age - My grandparents and parents were in their forties when they became grandparents . When my first grandchild was born I was 67. I really can’t keep up with 4 kids under 10. I visit, but anything other than emergency childcare for a sick child is really tough. I’ve tried, but it is hard. Plus I worked full time until 70 and part-time till 75.
FreeTheUnicorn 7 months ago
A lot will be down to individuals , but there are a lot of trends at play as well. Your grandparents were likely a lot younger than your parents when they were taking on childcare etc. Kids were a lot less supervised. Parents didn't give instructions/make demands in the same way to the grandparents. But also the boomer generation isn't community minded for the most part, that's why we are in the mess of the world we are in. Also many of them had kids due to social pressure and don't enjoy kids when you could yell/smack etc to get them to do what you want. But the main thing I see is how much time the grandparents want to spend with the grandchildren is usually about their relationship with the parents.
Weasel Wise 7 months ago
I agree with the notion that having family (and hopefully community) support makes raising kids easier and more enriching for the children. However, I am also on board with the basic concept of not breeding outside your means. If you MUST rely on others to raise a child, then you're not ready to start breeding, and shouldn't do so. To make tiny humans and then complain about feeling entitled to free childcare is wholly selfish and immature.
Kit Black 7 months ago
Which would be fine if half the country hadn't decided to roll back the clock and make sure that it was incredibly difficult for women to access any type of health care regarding their reproductive systems
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JayWantsACat 7 months ago
It's a personal issue but I can't read these entries that use "DC", DP", etc. You're not sending Morse Code so is it really an issue to just type our children, grandparents, etc? And it's just annoying in general to preface everyone with "Dear", FFS.
Michael Largey 7 months ago
"Why did my mom move close to us when she only wants to see me if she needs something?" A question that answers itself.
diane statzer 7 months ago
Grandparents aren't here to raise your children. As a oma I am not spending what free time I have babysitting every weekend. I go to my grandchildren games and concerts and interact in other ways.
tori Ohno 7 months ago
What an entitled brat! Grandparents and other family members babysat in the past because of lack of daycare, money, women not allowed to work, and societal pressure that you're not allowed to choose your own path. Her parents raised their kids already, she's ridiculous to ask them to help raise hers.
Kit Black 7 months ago
In what generation do you think women were not allowed to work???
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Carole G. 7 months ago (edited)
Good Lord! Where am I going & why am I in this hand-basket? Can you NOT write words??? Many of us "boomers" have worked since we were 16 yrs old, had kids, kept working while raising kids. Especially moms, we held the whole household together. Retirement is what we've earned. Many times looking after kids, yes even grandchildren is just another job & we would rather not. Also, many of us did not expect or receive any help from family. So, just suck it up & carry on.
Enuya 7 months ago
I play too many RPGs. I kept reading DM as Dungeon Master and was confused xD
brittany 7 months ago
for me i don't understand why a grandparent would refuse almost all requests for actual help and then turn around and complain that they never see the grandkids when thy are fully able to do so. or refuse to watch one set of grandkids but be there for another set who were close in age. for example when covid hit, i lost my job. daycare in our area shut down and i was desperate to find work. i begged my in laws to take the kids for a few hours until daycare reopened and so i could do interviews and they refused. but they were more than willing to watch their other grandkids all day and do in home school with them so that their daughter and son in law could work. our kids were close in age but they out right refused to watch them so i could get work. we almost lost our house. now they have allowed their oldest grand daughter and her infant to move in with them and spend time with the baby almost daily. im starting to think they just dont like their son.
Alexx Tinney 7 months ago
It's the hypocrisy that angers me. My parents got SO MUCH HELP from all three sets of grandparents (my mother's parents stayed super involved even after the divorce) and it's super unfair to just expect their kids to have LESS support than they had. And to make that decision deliberately KNOWING how hard it was for them even WITH the support they had. BUT THATS NOT EVEN THE POINT! The point is: why don't they WANT to spend time with their grandkids?! Even WITH the parents there?!
Falafal salad 7 months ago
My mum did so much for me when my daughter was younger and always gave me at least one night off parenting (which as a single parent was a godsend). Even thought my daughter is now in her late teens she still does loads for us, and I appreciate her so much. My friends parents are less involved as they have partners so I guess it can be mixed.
Emilu 7 months ago
I think it's a bit of a culture change, too. Grandparents are (generally) younger; they may want to travel or do things that were financially and logistically more difficult than when they were parents looking after their own kids. A lot more parents from what I see (I'm childfree personally, but most of my close friends aren't) are also *expected* to kick in more with care because daycare is expensive (which yes, it is), which could foster some degree of resentment amongst some people -- not of the children themselves, hopefully, but more the "oh, you just want me to sit your kids so you can go and do XYZ?" and them being locked into a multiple times a week kind of thing. I'd imagine seeing your grandkids could lose its novelty quickly if it just felt like you were raising kids all over again. Just my 2c.
Paul C 7 months ago
Average age for a new mother in the UK in 2021 was 30.9 years, in 1991 it was 27.7. When I was a child (1960s-1970s), most women had their first child in their early to mid 20s (my mother was 23), so it is impossible for grandparents to be getting younger (at least in the UK). Grandparents are older with each new generation. It's like policemen - when they seem to be getting younger, it's proof you are getting older. Sadly, most of them look so young to me now!
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Emily Phillips 7 months ago
My fondest memories as a kid were with my Grandparents. I cant even get my mom and step dad to watch my son for longer than 15 minutes.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 7 months ago
So you think your mother and stepfather should be obligated to spend time with/watch your son for "longer than 15 minutes"? Your son is your child, not theirs.
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Nikole 7 months ago (edited)
I used to think my mom was being taken advantage of by my brother and SIL because she watched their two boys until they were in proper school (the 3 1/2 year old is still watched by her twice a week). She’s a retired preschool teacher and absolutely loves it though. She makes lesson plans, they do crafts, go to programs with other kids at the library, go to the park, etc. I still think he should pay her something, but I can’t say much because I live on the first floor, separate apartment of my parents’ house for ridiculously low rent. So I guess it’s a case by case thing? I’m pretty sure she’s dreading the day when the youngest will be in kindergarten. Edit: yes, I help them with many things.
David Beth 7 months ago
I read this whole article and still have no idea what "DC" means... and I don't even care anymore.
Load More Replies... Paul C 7 months ago
Seeing as nobody has mentioned it, I'll describe my situation and a possible explanation for some grandparents not being so involved with their children. My mother is mid 80s whilst I am in my 60s. I regularly go to do jobs in her house, which is 2 hrs each way away. My wife had health issues, so can't be in the car that long, so I have to leave her for a day to do this. I also work full time at a stressful job plus care for my wife, so I need some time to myself to keep myself fit and mentally well. I cannot afford to retire, as I still have a mortgage (thanks to an expensive divorce). If I collapse, my mother has to go into a home and my wife and I would be on the street. If my children (20s/30s now) have children, I would not be able to help much, as they are all 2-5 hrs drive away (each way). Where would I find the time to help??? Distance and time restrictions are two things earlier generations didn't have to deal with. Older people died younger and people lived closer.
V 7 months ago
My FIL is approaching 70, retired a couple of years back, but like ves a few hours drive away. We don't drive, and he's also primary carer for his mum in the nursing home, plus does the grounds at church. We see him half a dozen times a year. My MIL still works, and does a lot of child care for my SIL, so we don't see her much either.
Load More Replies... Alexandra 7 months ago
I think part of it is due to the individualization of society. The focus is more on 'me' and less on 'we'. Choices are seen, much more now than earlier, as 'your choice' so that the consequences of those choices are also seen as yours to deal with. Many of my mum's friends refused to babysit on a regular basis, partly because they felt they were seen as unpaid babysitters, partly because they felt that if you want kids and you want to retain a full-time job, you have to be able to make it work without involving non-professionals, simply because everyone wants their freedom.
Kit Black 7 months ago
Boomers were the last generation for whom birth control was not always an option, and many of them made it VERY clear how much they didn't want the kids they were ~stuck with ~... Not sure why anyone's surprised they don't want the grandkids either.
Load More Replies... KatSaidWhat 7 months ago
Why do people EXPECT their parents to look after their children - they have had to work and raise their own children and are now trying to live their best life with the remainder of their years. Daycare is available here. Grandparents don't have the energy to deal with toddlers and certainly shouldn't be expected to.
CP 7 months ago (edited)
I didn't get that at all from the post. OP just thought the family would hang out more together. Grandparents come over hang out, parents run errands and all have dinner together. It could be a once or twice a week thing. Humans work better when we cooperate and help each other out. Our society seems to have lost that.
Load More Replies... on second thought.... 7 months ago
What's with all the abbreviations? I gave up on reading after the second paragraph, it's like wading through a continuous puzzle.
Rachel Pelz 7 months ago
Everybody is "dear". DC=dear child. DM=dearmother. Why it has to be pointed out that they are dear to OP...I don't know. Wouldn't have assumed anything else.
Load More Replies... Nils Skirnir 7 months ago (edited)
There are a lot of reasons. One is age - My grandparents and parents were in their forties when they became grandparents . When my first grandchild was born I was 67. I really can’t keep up with 4 kids under 10. I visit, but anything other than emergency childcare for a sick child is really tough. I’ve tried, but it is hard. Plus I worked full time until 70 and part-time till 75.
FreeTheUnicorn 7 months ago
A lot will be down to individuals , but there are a lot of trends at play as well. Your grandparents were likely a lot younger than your parents when they were taking on childcare etc. Kids were a lot less supervised. Parents didn't give instructions/make demands in the same way to the grandparents. But also the boomer generation isn't community minded for the most part, that's why we are in the mess of the world we are in. Also many of them had kids due to social pressure and don't enjoy kids when you could yell/smack etc to get them to do what you want. But the main thing I see is how much time the grandparents want to spend with the grandchildren is usually about their relationship with the parents.
Weasel Wise 7 months ago
I agree with the notion that having family (and hopefully community) support makes raising kids easier and more enriching for the children. However, I am also on board with the basic concept of not breeding outside your means. If you MUST rely on others to raise a child, then you're not ready to start breeding, and shouldn't do so. To make tiny humans and then complain about feeling entitled to free childcare is wholly selfish and immature.
Kit Black 7 months ago
Which would be fine if half the country hadn't decided to roll back the clock and make sure that it was incredibly difficult for women to access any type of health care regarding their reproductive systems
Load More Replies... JayWantsACat 7 months ago
It's a personal issue but I can't read these entries that use "DC", DP", etc. You're not sending Morse Code so is it really an issue to just type our children, grandparents, etc? And it's just annoying in general to preface everyone with "Dear", FFS.
Michael Largey 7 months ago
"Why did my mom move close to us when she only wants to see me if she needs something?" A question that answers itself.
diane statzer 7 months ago
Grandparents aren't here to raise your children. As a oma I am not spending what free time I have babysitting every weekend. I go to my grandchildren games and concerts and interact in other ways.
tori Ohno 7 months ago
What an entitled brat! Grandparents and other family members babysat in the past because of lack of daycare, money, women not allowed to work, and societal pressure that you're not allowed to choose your own path. Her parents raised their kids already, she's ridiculous to ask them to help raise hers.
Kit Black 7 months ago
In what generation do you think women were not allowed to work???
Load More Replies... Carole G. 7 months ago (edited)
Good Lord! Where am I going & why am I in this hand-basket? Can you NOT write words??? Many of us "boomers" have worked since we were 16 yrs old, had kids, kept working while raising kids. Especially moms, we held the whole household together. Retirement is what we've earned. Many times looking after kids, yes even grandchildren is just another job & we would rather not. Also, many of us did not expect or receive any help from family. So, just suck it up & carry on.
Enuya 7 months ago
I play too many RPGs. I kept reading DM as Dungeon Master and was confused xD
brittany 7 months ago
for me i don't understand why a grandparent would refuse almost all requests for actual help and then turn around and complain that they never see the grandkids when thy are fully able to do so. or refuse to watch one set of grandkids but be there for another set who were close in age. for example when covid hit, i lost my job. daycare in our area shut down and i was desperate to find work. i begged my in laws to take the kids for a few hours until daycare reopened and so i could do interviews and they refused. but they were more than willing to watch their other grandkids all day and do in home school with them so that their daughter and son in law could work. our kids were close in age but they out right refused to watch them so i could get work. we almost lost our house. now they have allowed their oldest grand daughter and her infant to move in with them and spend time with the baby almost daily. im starting to think they just dont like their son.
Alexx Tinney 7 months ago
It's the hypocrisy that angers me. My parents got SO MUCH HELP from all three sets of grandparents (my mother's parents stayed super involved even after the divorce) and it's super unfair to just expect their kids to have LESS support than they had. And to make that decision deliberately KNOWING how hard it was for them even WITH the support they had. BUT THATS NOT EVEN THE POINT! The point is: why don't they WANT to spend time with their grandkids?! Even WITH the parents there?!
Falafal salad 7 months ago
My mum did so much for me when my daughter was younger and always gave me at least one night off parenting (which as a single parent was a godsend). Even thought my daughter is now in her late teens she still does loads for us, and I appreciate her so much. My friends parents are less involved as they have partners so I guess it can be mixed.
Emilu 7 months ago
I think it's a bit of a culture change, too. Grandparents are (generally) younger; they may want to travel or do things that were financially and logistically more difficult than when they were parents looking after their own kids. A lot more parents from what I see (I'm childfree personally, but most of my close friends aren't) are also *expected* to kick in more with care because daycare is expensive (which yes, it is), which could foster some degree of resentment amongst some people -- not of the children themselves, hopefully, but more the "oh, you just want me to sit your kids so you can go and do XYZ?" and them being locked into a multiple times a week kind of thing. I'd imagine seeing your grandkids could lose its novelty quickly if it just felt like you were raising kids all over again. Just my 2c.
Paul C 7 months ago
Average age for a new mother in the UK in 2021 was 30.9 years, in 1991 it was 27.7. When I was a child (1960s-1970s), most women had their first child in their early to mid 20s (my mother was 23), so it is impossible for grandparents to be getting younger (at least in the UK). Grandparents are older with each new generation. It's like policemen - when they seem to be getting younger, it's proof you are getting older. Sadly, most of them look so young to me now!
Load More Replies... Emily Phillips 7 months ago
My fondest memories as a kid were with my Grandparents. I cant even get my mom and step dad to watch my son for longer than 15 minutes.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 7 months ago
So you think your mother and stepfather should be obligated to spend time with/watch your son for "longer than 15 minutes"? Your son is your child, not theirs.
Load More Replies... Nikole 7 months ago (edited)
I used to think my mom was being taken advantage of by my brother and SIL because she watched their two boys until they were in proper school (the 3 1/2 year old is still watched by her twice a week). She’s a retired preschool teacher and absolutely loves it though. She makes lesson plans, they do crafts, go to programs with other kids at the library, go to the park, etc. I still think he should pay her something, but I can’t say much because I live on the first floor, separate apartment of my parents’ house for ridiculously low rent. So I guess it’s a case by case thing? I’m pretty sure she’s dreading the day when the youngest will be in kindergarten. Edit: yes, I help them with many things.
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