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48 Truths About Being Married That People Don’t Believe Until They Experience Them
Happy and healthy relationships don’t just happen. They require commitment, dedication, and patience to gradually build trust, good communication, and respect. They’re a lot of hard work! But the good news is that it’s most definitely worth all the effort. Case in point, positive relationships help you live longer.
Wise married people took to a fascinating online thread to share the most important secrets about relationships they learned only after the wedding. We have collected their hard-won advice, and we hope you’re taking notes. This is the kind of stuff that can make your already awesome relationship even better. Setting your ego aside and not needing to be right all the time is just the very tip of the iceberg.
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#2
That unless your boundaries are being violated in some way, you don’t need to be right all the time. Nor do you need to share every thought in your head. Some things are better kept to yourself.
Michael Largey 17 minutes ago
One of the big questions in marriage is "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"
#3
Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes is 60/40 or 90/10. Some days your spouse will be stronger and you need a little more. Other days it will be the other way around. As long as you both come together to even it out, it makes bearing the burden of life a little bit easier to manage.
Any positive relationship, romantic or otherwise, is grounded in honesty and good communication. In a nutshell, you want to feel safe enough to share what you think and feel with the people closest to you. You want to feel heard, understood, and truly connected.
Mutual respect, kindness, fairness, and equality are also vital in relationships. These require two-way effort. If only one person is behaving decently, something is off. You need to be able to compromise at times, instead of dominating the other person or them walking all over you.
Other things that help build a healthy relationship include shared interests, similar values, boundaries, respect for consent, generosity, respecting privacy, being able to deal with conflict, and being authentic, the BBC writes.
#4
The truth is, you fall in love with your partner as they change over the years; in that sense, you fall in love with your wife throughout your life, with everything about her and her changes. Its awesome.
#5
It is possible to avoid fighting, ever, by communicating calmly with each other and compromising.
Michael Largey 15 minutes ago
You don't have to agree with the other person's position. You just have to understand it.
#6
Sometimes, you have to go to bed angry. It is essential for life and work and actually resets an argument until clearer heads prevail. Also, sleeping in another room or the sofa is like a vacation sometimes. Love my wife with all my heart. Sometimes, from the next room.
The key thing to remember in any relationship is that if something’s wrong, if there’s an issue, your best approach is… simply talking to the other person about it. There is no alternative to open and honest communication. Nobody is a mind-reader.
But you need to tackle these problems in a non-judgmental way as much as possible. Tell the other person how their behavior makes you feel and how you’d like the relationship to look like in the future. Don’t attack them, even if you’re objectively right and they’re clearly in the wrong. You don’t need to “win” the argument. You need to get on the same page, instead.
“If it’s on your mind, even if it’s something good, don’t be afraid to bring it up. We tend to not communicate as much as we need, and you can rarely over-communicate when it comes to how you’re feeling. Checking in with yourself and the other person to make sure you continue to have similar goals and similar values is as equally important as anything else,” registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke told the Cleveland Clinic.
#7
Despite having a very high degree of compatibility , there will still be many disagreements & conflicts.
Have to learn when to keep fighting for your point of view & when to back down.
#8
The best piece of advice I was ever given about marriage: “whoever is doing the task is doing it perfectly”
I couldn’t believe how much more loving we were after I stopped giving my two cents about how things were being done.
#9
My husband and I have agreed to never be in a bad mood on the same day.So if he's had three bad days in a row, and I come home in a bad mood he's got to shut up and listen to me, because it's my turn.We've been married forty years.
A core part of authenticity is vulnerability. In order to enjoy a healthy relationship, you both need to be ready to be vulnerable.
“Sometimes, this might mean sharing parts of ourselves that we feel insecure about in order to see if this relationship could have the makings of something special,” Duke says.
“One thing you can continue to check in with yourself about over time is whether or not your trust towards this person is growing. Is there something you’re not getting that you need? Is there something you’re not doing that your partner needs?”
#10
Both you and your spouse need to have hobbies more than being a spouse/parent. Each of you need opportunities for release that have nothing to do with your partner. And you need to encourage each other’s hobbies.
#11
Learning how to say sorry and genuinely meaning it.
Which of these marriage secrets did you find the most helpful, and why? What aspects of your relationships, romantic or otherwise, do you typically struggle with? What are you doing to grow and improve as an individual?
What advice would you give new couples to help them see if they’re genuinely a great match?
We’d love to hear your thoughts about, well, everything. Drop by the comments at the bottom of this post to share your wisdom with all the other readers, as well as us.
#13
Argue to understand. Don’t argue to prove you are right.
Changes everything about the intent of the argument and therefore the outcome.
#16
Sleeping isn’t a team sport. Sleep is so important. If you need separate beds or blankets do it.
#17
You can love your spouse with every fiber of your being, and sometimes, still not like them very much. The important part is that the period of not liking them is short and you are reminded why you love them. You choose them every day.
#19
That having a long-term partner does not mean you won't feel lonliness. Everyone will always be lonely at some point regardless of their marital status. So rushing into marriage just because you feel lost is a bad choice. You'll still need to learn to save yourself.
#22
I am speaking to you from a husband's perspective. The biggest change for me...
I had to learn that not every time my wife speaks is she looking for me to solve a problem; sometimes she just wants to know that someone hears her.
#24
I have a set of dice that are options for what's for dinner, what to do for a date, and what kind of show to watch, and I am almost embarrassed at how much it has helped my marriage. Little dumb decisions can be *relentless*. Decision fatigue is real, hanger is ugly, and it's nice to just roll the dice and say "looks like we're having Thai food and watching a comedy!".
#26
Getting treated as a VIP by staff at his workplace gave me an unexpected rush. So did getting called Mrs ------.
I had never wanted to get married before we decided it would be a good idea for us, as an interracial couple. (I said, what if one of us ends up in the hospital and the other needs to have access to know what's going on?) So the nice little social perks took me by surprise.
Less than 3 years after we got married I was in the hospital fighting for my life (cancer). The "patient's husband" privileges became crucial. My entire medical team embraced him as a team member also keeping me alive. I doubt boyfriend-status could have opened doors and medical files and medical team confidences the way husband status did.
#27
Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Meaning, we both enter every argument, fight, conversation on the basis that neither of us would do anything to purposely hurt the other, upset the other, cross their boundaries etc.
That’s the baseline.
For us, it’s helped conversations not be so fueled by feelings. I approach a fight very differently if I feel like my husband deliberately hurt my feelings vs misunderstood me. My words and tone are different. And vice versa.
#28
Your marriage belongs to you and your partner. No outsider’s opinion, advice, or interference carries more weight than the commitment you make to each other.
#29
It’s really easy with the right person. It also makes raising a kid really easy.
All the “we have ups and downs and it can be really hard at times and we drive each other nuts…” - like, nah. It doesn’t have to be like that. It shouldn’t be like that.
Like I’ve been in dysfunctional relationships that I thought were good. They weren’t. Good communication, which includes really listening, makes things super easy.
#30
When a lady gives birth, she changes forever - mentally, physically and emotionally. For better or for worse, she is no longer the same person before.
#31
Don’t be a thief of joy. No snide remarks about a new hobby when they have 12 abandoned hobbies already, no telling them how much you don’t care about the new Spider-Man movie, or downplaying a small accomplishment they were excited to tell you about. It’s fine to say, “it’s not my thing, but I’m happy to listen and I’m glad you enjoy it.”
Also, someone mentioned “some days it’s 50/50, some days it’s 80/20” and it’s more than that. Sometimes it’s 80/20 for a year. If you spend the rest of your life with someone you will eventually go through a medical event, a mobility limiting injury, the loss of loved ones. You have to be willing to take care of your partner, and they you, for an extended amount of time.
#32
Marraige isn't an expic romance every single day. A lot of days are kinda mundane, sometimes boring. Just like life.
And that's why you have to work at it. When people say things like "I make a decision every day to work on my marriage and love my spouse" it's because of the mundane. There's a line between accepting that life isn't always exciting and complacency. Gotta figure out how to stay on the correct side of it.
#33
How nice it is to *really* know someone and count on them. My husband could tell you my order at all the restaurants we frequent and I could do the same for him. We both can tell exactly why one of us may be in a bad mood e.g. I know when he's upset because he's gone too long without food, he knows when I haven't taken a medication I need.
#34
When you marry someone, you marry their family.
You have relationships with their parents now. And their siblings. Their niblings are your niblings. And if they have kids? You’re a stepparent now, you don’t get a choice.
They’re probably going to treat you kindly, because most people are good; but they’ll treat you kindly according to *their* definition and *their* values and *their* culture and upbringing. It may not be what you’re used to.
Got a problem with them? You can ask your spouse for suggestions and maybe request that they talk to the relative in question, but your spouse can’t control their family. Think about it; can you control yours?
Are they deeply religious? You’re gonna end up in that family’s church at least a few times. Is their religion hateful or misogynistic? Even if an individual has left a church, they grew up with church teachings and parents who have church values.
Are they no contact with their family? You may not know those people, but you’ve taken on a share of your spouse’s emotional baggage with them. You’re also taking on more of a supportive role, to make up for the support that they’re not getting from family.
Get to know the group and the family dynamics before you get married.
#35
Medical changes can be a huge challenge to marital stability. For my husband, it was high BP and diabetes in our 30s. It took forever to realize that those things were the reason he was ALWAYS irritable and became nearly physically violent. After treatment, I had my sweet spouse back. Later , for me: starting in my mid 40s drops in hormone levels caused me to be completely flat in affect, with zero libido and wicked insomnia. Treatment changed everything. And third, he was extremely depressed. We found out that he had low testosterone. Treatment started and the depression disappeared. I wonder how many marriages break up because of undiagnosed medical problems.
#37
Reliability becomes a very attractive quality at a certain point in time. In fact, I’d say stability and reliability should be top priority qualities when looking for a spouse. You want someone dependable, and you should also be dependable. Learning how to rely on each other, and trust each other’s promises and abilities, only helps your teamwork grow stronger. And you absolutely are a team, working towards the same dreams, the same goals.
Other than that, find someone who will make you laugh. Life really sucks sometimes. Having someone who will make you laugh when life is beating you up is a precious and beautiful thing. Because if you can’t find the humor in something, you will go crazy with stress.
#40
You’re not always going to be in love with each other. There are highs and lows. Some stages of life are harder than others, and sometimes you’ll feel more like roommates.
#42
A marriage (or any partnership) is about taking care of the puppy. The puppy is the relationship, and each of you needs to put in equal time caring for it, whether that's feeding it, bathing it, walking it, etc. If one person is doing all of the puppy care, it's not a relationship.
But it also means that each of you should play to your strengths. Don't try to walk the puppy if you're not reasonably fit. Don't bathe the puppy if you have difficulty with getting splashed. Figure out what you're good at, and do those tasks.
#43
That going on your own short break or holiday once a year without your spouse is legitimate, useful and normal.
#44
How some of your most meaningful memories aren’t necessarily the grand gestures, but smaller, more mundane parts of daily life.
A few years ago, my husband and I spent the night on the floors of separate bathrooms dealing with an especially heinous bout of food poisoning. He’d FaceTime me to make sure I was doing okay and as soon as stores opened the next morning, he drove to the nearest pharmacy (still sick as a dog) to get my favorite flavors of Gatorade. He also got me hooked up to some IV fluids and prioritized my wellbeing even though he was going through the exact same thing.
THAT is love and hands down the most romantic gesture I’ve ever experienced. We’ve done big vacations and he’s overall a thoughtful communicator but that moment stands out in my mind as being indicative of his character.
#45
Your not always going to be all lovey dovey with each other. Once that face ends the real work begins, if you make it past this you will likely stay with your partner.
#46
The Gottman stuff is useful.
When your partner turns to you to share something, however mundane, how you react matters. Not that each and every instance is make or break, but the eunn8ng tally of how often you ignore, criticize, react negatively on one hand, or listen, reapond, look for tge way to react positively.
"Hey, look, theres a bird out the window"
The better your patttern of those little things, the better chance disagreement, misundersanding and mistakes have of NOT becoming uncivil arguments.
Practice that pattern of positive reaponse. It colors how you navigate the hard stuff.
And if your pattern of reaponse sucks, what should be easy will vecome the hatd stuff.
#47
You have to be on the same team. And if you don’t want to be on the same team, somethings wrong. Yes there will be conflict there always is, but you have to remember you need to work towards a common goal.
#48
The quality and availability of bed(s) will shape everything else in your relationship.
Are you both large individuals? Trying to sleep together in a queen bed will result in anger, sleeplessness, and arguing. Get a king size bed.
Does one of you snore? Or stay up late while the other retires early? Have a second bed elsewhere and acknowledge sleep has to occur there. You can still love each other in the morning after a separate night of good sleep.
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