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Just like with the fountain of youth, people have been searching for the secrets to a happy marriage since the dawn of time. Although 74% of Americans say they have a happy marriage, it's difficult to say if there is any one universal thing that makes all marriages work.
One netizen was interested in what advice men can share about a blissful married life. So, he decided to ask: "Men: What's a 'cheat code' you discovered in marriage that actually works?" Newlyweds and seasoned husbands alike flocked to share their wisdom and advice about what makes a truly happy marriage.
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#1
Being kind is better than being right.
RELATED:
#2
When I feel like my wife is feeling a little down or when I feel like we’re not connecting emotionally, I will ask her about something she is passionate about and just get her talking. And I will ask questions that cannot be answered with a yes or no. She will go from sitting back with her arms folded to leaning forward, talking excitedly.
Often, people feel closer to someone simply by talking to that person and being heard. And everyone feels good talking about their favorite things.
Also, if you have something difficult to talk about, wait until they are in a good mood.
#3
Pick the right person. Be super critical during the courting phase. Ask the tough questions and make sure you’re aligned. But once you decided to commit, that critical switch needs to flip and you need to be their biggest cheerleader. So many couples do it the other way, lovey dovey during the courting phase and then start getting critical after they committ. .
#4
Verbally acknowledging each other’s contributions to the household.
“Thanks for cleaning up after dinner, it looks great.”
“Thanks for taking the kids to soccer practice”
“Thanks for grabbing groceries, this is my favorite cheese”
So on and so forth. By acknowledging each other’s day to day (and sometimes mundane) contributions, it builds appreciation and prevents animosity. It also prevents certain tasks from being “assigned” to a person with the expectation that it’s theirs forever and that’s “just how it is.”.
minnieslave0 1 month ago
This. The "it's his job" brigade really boil my pee - yes, we all have to do our share, but it doesn't k**l you to say thanks for doing it. It is nice to have my efforts on the cooking front acknowledged and i thank him for taking care of the washing up. Otherwise you just get taken for granted. to go both ways though, of course.
#5
Keep a note on your phone for gift ideas. When she points out something she likes or wants to do, write it down in the note or snap a pic and insert it. See something you think she’d like? Write it down. Also, keep her clothing and shoe sizes in the note as well.
Also, google “mental load” and learn about the imbalances that tend to occur. Take more of it on.
#6
During pregnancy and the first few month after childbirth I always hear men say, " There isn't much for me to do with the kid, its all her," my "cheat code" is that SHE is your responsibility during that time. Every time her belly itches YOU put lotion on, YOU get up and get her snacks, YOU rub her feet, YOU lift her belly up to release pressure on her back, YOU buy her comfortable clothes. When the baby is born, yea she has to wake up and breast feed, BUT YOU burp the baby, YOU change the diapers when you can. I did all of this s**t while being Active Duty military so it drives me up a wall when fathers and husbands make an excuse that they, "have to work" so they can't help out. Be an active parent and an active partner. Suddenly, you'll find yourself getting laid more too without begging. Its like genuinely caring is attractive or something.
#8
Relationships aren't a zero sum game, the only way to win is when you win together so approach all disagreements with that approach.
#9
When my wife gets home and wants to talk about work or about a friend or w/e, I ask "support or suggestion". Changed my life.
My wife destresses after work by talking about her day. When we were dating, my impulse would be to "solve" whatever problem she had, which she didn't want. Years together and many fights later, we've both learned to just ask what the other needs and we both love each other, so we're happy to provide it.
Auntriarch 1 month ago
This wasn't a problem in marriage because I'm a fixer too. But it did take me a while to learn it with my girl friends.
#11
Be each other’s biggest fan. No s**t talking about the other to anyone, ever.
When you are always looking out for and supporting each other, that creates a strong team.
#12
1. You and your partner are a team that are working to solve your issues together. It's you two vs the issue and never you vs your partner.
2. Hardly a cheat code, but communication is the key.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
Ask " what are your thoughts on how the best possible outcome would look" or " With this problem, what do you think your top 3 solutions would be" Gets the focus on solving it and gives you insight into what they are looking for as an end game
#13
When that little voice in your head says "Don't say it!!" when you are just about to say it, don't say it.
Example:
Don't ask any questions about how dinner is being prepared. Be delighted someone is making you dinner.
#14
Don't shut her out from your problems.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
This needs to be upvoted more. It's not weak or unmanly to admit you are struggling.
#15
If your wife asks you if you want ice cream, she wants ice cream.
Feel free to replace ice cream with anything.
#16
Not me but my brother said he finds a lot of success by doing things around the house before she can even ask lol.
She'll be like, "Can you take out the trash?" Him: Already did it.
He used to do this to my mom when we were younger too 🤣
Edit to add: I don't care if it's considered a hack or not 🤣 Just sharing what I've heard.
setsuriseikou 1 month ago
Isn't this like base level adulting? Taking care of the house you live in?
#17
Don't think of it as a "50/50" sort of relationship. Your half and my half. Think of it as 100% and 100%, each partner giving the other their all without expectation of equal return.
"Disembodied voice" 1 month ago
Absolutely, you have to do things together to the best of your abilities.
#18
Separate blankets.
Been married for 13 years, together for 17. Sharing a blanket is an exercise in futility.
#19
My husband and I start every day with a really long hug. It seemed like a big task at first, but honestly, we now go in for those hugs more than once a day, and it helped me through some really rough days. My son has watched it numerous times, and he tries to join.
Anonymouse 1 month ago
recent science indicates it helps you live longer as well! https://www.healthline.com/health/hugging-benefits
#20
Nothing is “her” job. You are a team. Unload the dish washer, fold the laundry, cook dinner etc.
Headless Horseman 1 month ago
My husband has really changed his mind on this since we had our kid.. suddenly and immediately the moment we got home, as I'm still bleeding from giving birth, it's "the laundry needs doing" and "the sink is full". "The floor has dog fur all over it."
#21
Feed them or let them wake up before getting too defensive in any argument. Hangry and tired people are not themselves and it might not be a fight in a normal state of mind.
This goes both ways and across all sexual spectrums.
#22
Love is an action verb.
#23
Dont keep score, and absolutely dont bring up score.
Dont empty the dishwasher because it would give you 'brownie points', do it because it needs to be done.
#24
When your wife tells you she is exhausted and needs you to make efforts, listen to her and make those efforts. We tend to very fastly take those as nagging or annoying but most of the times its a need that comes out as a vent. Ignoring those repeatedly almost led me to divorce.
Saint_Zipcodus 1 month ago
Keep in mind, often her telling you that she is exhausted and asking for your help is an indication that she is already very close to the edge.
#25
Never leave the house without giving her a kiss. Even if it's just a peck on the cheek.
#26
Dude here.
I make the bacon. Literally. I fry up enough 'pretty bacon' so that she can steal a couple of strips and I can yell "GET OUTTA MY KITCHEN!!" before I put everything else on the plate for breakfast. She's hard as nails the rest of the time, but the wife giggles and runs off like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar when I'm making the sides for the pancakes and blueberry waffles (made from scratch, mind you !).
#27
Marriage is easy. Life is hard. It is vital not to mix the two up.
#28
Being a nice respectful person. Sounds simple, because it is.
But very difficult when you have kids, stress, emotions, trauma and when the other person has the same. If you can stay nice and respectful in difficult circumstances, you’ll do better than most.
#29
Always offer to do little things. Going to the store? Ask if she needs you to pick anything up. Making yourself a cup of coffee? Ask if she wants one. Running to the kitchen? Offer to bring back a snack.
Always work out your arguments before going to bed. Remember that even when you disagree you are in this together, so work on your disagreements together, trying to figure out what is causing the disconnect, without raising your voice.
Never keep score. For bills, for expenses, for income, for chores, etc. If you see a task that needs done, do it.
Kiss frequently, but also do things like kiss the back of her neck as you pass. Don't make it sexual (like you're not trying to pinch her butt or something every time you see her, unless she wants that). Just a quick little thing to show you love her.
(Just passed 10 years).
#30
When you're wrong, apologize. When you're right, say nothing.
Nichole Harris 1 month ago
Not for everyone...I adore when my hubby calls me out.... He's not a but about it.... And I learn something! 💯
#32
Here’s my personal opinion.
1) Don’t be victim
2) Be flexible in your role in your relationship
3) Take personal accountability for every task, you AND YOUR PARTNER need to accomplish (you’re a team).
I work at a place that is 95% blue collar men. The older men are getting divorced at an alarming rate. They are much more likely to have conservative opinions about relationships and unbelievably bad attitudes about their wives.
The men who can’t take responsibility for their mistakes are almost all divorced. Grow up and own your issues and mistakes.
The men who only contribute by “being a provider” have terrible relationships with their adult children. We all have roles in our relationships, but if your wife is behind or having a tough time… jump in and wash a f*****g dish. Take the kids out of the house so your wife can relax. Many men want to scream about how masculine and tough they are but refuse to do “women’s work” or contribute in any way than their own personal tasks.
My thoughts come from not only my life but observation of other men. I don’t want to make this political, but the red-pill, ultra conservative men are not doing well. I’ve been told (by an older coworker) that my wife would not respect me if she didn’t make my lunch… that guy is divorced and his kids are no contact. Even the conservative wives get tired of miserable, angry men.
Saint_Zipcodus 1 month ago
We desperately need to educate our sons better in terms of what the OP says. Letting them grow up with that attitude towards women and gender roles is something that mothers do have an influence over. No, he will not magically do everything right just because he's your Special Little Baby Boy.
#33
I discovered something dynamite that works wonders. The first month after we kissed, I bought her some small gifts and made a card - our one month anniversary. She thought it was a little cheesy but sweet. The next month - same again. The next month - and so forth. A card with some heartfelt thoughts and some small gifts. Often late but always catch up. Kept going after we got married and had children. We had our 103rd anniversary a few days ago.
I get away with absolute m*rder. She has kept all of the cards. Will do this forever.
#34
Any issue we have is caused by our old roommate. We rented out a room in our house to a friend before we decided to have kids. Anyway, the friend; let’s call him Henry. Cool dude. Super s****y roommate.
Henry’s long gone now but we do still blame things on him. “Henry said he was going to mow the lawn”
“Henry left crumbs all over the counter again”. And my personal favorite, “I really wish Henry would stop leaving his makeup all over the bathroom counter”
We laugh about it a little and then no one feels called out, works like a charm for us.
#35
Share in her outrage!!
When she calls and tells you something crazy happened and she annoyed at a person or situation never respond with logic!
Always respond with “Are you f**king kidding me!! That a****t did what??” “I’m gonna come down there myself and deal with this!” Or something similar that fits the situation..
They don’t want answers or solutions they just want you to share in their outrage!
#36
Communication. Communication. Communication.
Been married 5 years, together for 8. I stress hard on this, quality communication from BOTH sides makes such an effective team. The fights, arguments, tough spots, financial stress, intimate problems that we have completely avoided and been able to navigate together solely because we focus on communicating.
That’s it. They want to be heard and validated, and so do you. And who doesn’t love a good ol debate when you come to a crossroads with a decision. Life is so easy as a married couple when we sorted out our communication.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
Addition: Don't expect mind reading. Don't expect them to just realize what you think needs doing, what you think should be happening, or what you think. Say something. Tell them directly and explicitly what you want and need.
#37
Race the microwave. Anytime you use it, use that time to do something quick. Load the dishwasher, flip the laundry, tidy up, get the garbage/recycling ready. You'll be surprised at what you can do in 2min.
#38
Be goofy with each other. Let the weird out.
Nichole Harris 1 month ago
Yes yes yes! My hubby and I are both 12 year old boys together and I love it!!! S*x jokes and farts and sports🤣
#39
Just because flowers
Not because you're sorry, or some holiday, just because. They always mean more to your SO when there isn't a reason.
#41
Tea time.
You know how smokers all stand around each other when they smoke? It's a relaxing activity conducive to communication. Opens the lips, so to speak.
Obviously, smoking is bad for you, but you can substitute it with tea time.
Offer to make each other tea (or coffee). Make it a ritual understanding that it's low key chat (not talk) time.
Eventually you become conditioned to comfortable communication during tea time and, as a bonus, it's also a gift and act of service that makes one feel loved.
#43
Do not take your complaints about that person outside of the marriage just to vent or gossip. I’m not talking about enabling a*****e isolation. I’m talking about the stress and annoyance that can come wjth daily living in regards to your spouse and longing to vent.
I might say that: finances, schedule, time, etc. are really stressful and complain to family or my friends about that. Complaining about circumstances, not my spouse. But I don’t talk about my husband for the sake of venting or gossip or tear him down in conversations to other people.
If I needed true assistance I’d find a therapist.
I find allowing yourself to wallow in gossip and disrespect to your spouse quickly colors your view and other people’s view of them and you can’t easily get that respect back. If my husband does something I view as foolish I address it with him.
We have been married almost 20 years and mutual respect and admiration are very important in our marriage.
Michael Largey 1 month ago
Taking your problems with your spouse to someone who's not a therapist establishes that a therapist is needed.
#44
Buy her tacos and call her pretty. It works.
Remember, it is not you vs them. It is both of you vs the problem. You are teammates.
Also, the other advice here.
#45
You're a team of two, trying to find the best way to solve the problem in front of you.
You're not one person in a sparing match against another person.
#47
Along with the obvious “make sure you’re doing your share,” of the household duties, communicating your appreciation of what your partner does. E.g.- whenever my wife returns from something like getting groceries, I go out to the car to help bring everything in, and make sure I verbally let her know that I appreciate what she just did for our family.
#48
Not marriage, but worked in LTR for me. I make notes in my girlfriend's contact in my phone. What she orders at certain restaurants, things from her past that were important, stuff she's mentioned wanting for Christmas/birthdays.
Kyra Noelle 1 month ago
Well, that would mean they had to pay attention to their SO. My Ex didn't want to remember anything about what I wanted or liked, so they are the ex.
#50
You never get yelled at while vacuuming.
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What do you think ?
zatrisha 1 month ago
From my 20 years of marriage experience, I have learned: It's just a lot of talking and the truth. If you care about how your partner is doing, ask him. Keep your own hobbies and contacts, give yourself space. Reduce the use of social media to a minimum, it is not good for the psyche and harms emotional stability, and you should spend more time in your own life than in that of strangers.
E Henry Todd 1 month ago
Why do we need to have cheat codes? Listen, communicate, share, be interested in what your partner likes, enjoys, and is passionate about.
zatrisha 1 month ago
From my 20 years of marriage experience, I have learned: It's just a lot of talking and the truth. If you care about how your partner is doing, ask him. Keep your own hobbies and contacts, give yourself space. Reduce the use of social media to a minimum, it is not good for the psyche and harms emotional stability, and you should spend more time in your own life than in that of strangers.
E Henry Todd 1 month ago
Why do we need to have cheat codes? Listen, communicate, share, be interested in what your partner likes, enjoys, and is passionate about.
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