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Man Accepts That Stepson Doesn’t Like Him, Refuses To Contribute To His College Fund
Interview With AuthorBecoming a parent means not only taking care of your children from day to day but also thinking about their futures. It’s hard to imagine it when they’re babies, but in about 18 years, they might have dreams of going to college. And it would be great if their mother and father could financially support their education. But should stepparents be expected to contribute too?
One man recently reached out to Reddit for advice after his teenage stepson began pressuring him to contribute to his college fund. Below, you’ll find all of the details, as well as some of the replies invested readers shared.
RELATED:
Paying for their children’s higher education can be a huge burden for parents
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envato (not the actual photo)
So this man was extremely hesitant to start contributing to his stepson’s college fund
Image credits: Charles DeLoye / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Fun_Elephant_6393
“I hope, in time, we will be able to heal”
To find out more about this situation, we got in touch with the author, Reddit user Fun_Elephant_6393. He was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and share how he’s doing at the moment.
“To be honest, my wife and I are still reeling from everything. Especially her,” the author says. “Nevertheless, we are beyond grateful for all the support and kind words we have received.”
“Some comments have been truly insightful, and many others have offered advice that we are currently thinking over,” the OP continued. “While everything right now feels quite raw, I hope, in time, we will be able to heal from it.”
On average, college tuition in the United States costs students over $38,000 per year
After graduating from high school, many of us face an immense amount of pressure to continue our education. After all, having a college degree will increase your access to future job opportunities, and will likely increase how much you’ll earn throughout your career as well. But one of the biggest barriers that people face when applying to college is not being able to afford it.
Education Data reports that in the United States, the average cost of college tuition is $38,270 per student per year. And if you want to attend a private university, you can expect to pay around $58,628 annually. This means that a college degree costs most students upwards of $100,000. That’s not exactly easy for a teenager who’s been working at a fast food joint to pay for.
Because of these exorbitant costs, many students rely on their parents to fund their education. This also means that parents are under an increasing amount of pressure to start a college fund for their kids from a very young age.
According to Northwestern Mutual’s 2024 Planning & Progress Study, 95% of American parents who are saving for their kids to go to college expect to cover more than half of the cost of their kids’ education. And over a third of parents expect their kids to cover up to a quarter of the cost of their tuition.
Apparently, over a third of American families have a college savings fund for their children’s education, such as a 529 plan. Meanwhile, the average 529 account balance is around $30,295, which might not even cover one year of tuition for some students.
Even without a substantial college fund, many students still find a way to fund their education
Image credits: Pablo Merchán Montes / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Parents often have to resort to other measures to help fund their children’s education, such as taking out loans or using other savings and investments. In fact, nearly a quarter of parents admit that they’ve dipped into their retirement savings to ensure their kids could go to college.
At the same time, the average student at a public university borrows about $31,960 to pay for their education. And the average federal student loan debt balance is over $39,000.
While it’s understandable for parents to want to fund their children’s higher education, is it really fair for stepparents to be held to the same expectation? It really depends on the individual family and the dynamic that they have. If someone has grown up with their stepdad being the only father figure they’ve ever known, and he doesn’t have any other children, he might be more willing to help pay for university.
But when a parent already has three other children to help put through college, an additional tuition can be a massive burden. And while it may not be ideal, there are other routes that the teenager in this story can take to pay for college.
He can apply for scholarships, grants, federal financial aid and even take loans. He can get a job that will help him pay for his tuition, and he can even take classes at a community college for a couple of years to significantly reduce how much he’ll have to pay to finish his degree.
Nobody wants to have to struggle to pay for their education, but thousands of people make it work every single day. And this teenager can certainly still get a great education if he puts his mind to it.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Then, if you’d like to read another Bored Panda article discussing college fund drama, look no further than right here.
Some readers assured the author that his stepson’s education was not his problem, and he joined in on the conversation to share more details
However, others thought that contributing to his stepson’s college fund would be the right thing to do
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What do you think ?
Power puff scientist 2 months ago
when they only consider you family when they want money that says it all.
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 2 months ago (edited)
Sounds like James grew up to be as big a p***k as his dad. I wouldn't give him a g*****n penny.
Alexandra 2 months ago
The truth is, that kid has two parents who should help him get a good education and OP isn't one of them. On top of that, the kid doesn't recognize OP as his family, so why should OP contribute? Why should OP make up for the kid's father's failure to provide his son with an education? That's just enabling a dead-beat dad. Why should OP fund this kid's disrespect? That's insane.
Becca not Becky 2 months ago
I heard once that every boy wants to believe his dad is a hero. The fact that he still manages to blame his mom and basically accept the idea that its okay for men to cheat but not women tells me he is desperate for that belief. And he's on a fast path to being just like his old man. So sad
Paul Rabit 2 months ago
Mom should never have told son how much was in his sibling's accounts. It wasn't his business.
Uncle Panda 2 months ago
While 17 is technically a child, find me one who won't bristle if you say that. All of the comments citing 'child' make sense for younger kids but not a 17 year old. What if his birthday is next week? He's on the cusp of adulthood and "you made your bed, now lie in it" is one of life's better lessons, the sooner learnt, the better.
Mike F 2 months ago
His first problem was taking this to reddit. That board is a bunch of myopic jerks. The kid seems to want to be totally apart from the "family" until there is $£€ involved, then he becomes Greg Brady. You can't have it both ways and his apathy or in some instances downright aversion to being a family then hold out your hand for college money. I agree with LongFang entirely.
Excited Panda 2 months ago
This is easy! 1) You don't owe your stepson anything related to a "college fund"; his mother and father can/should contribute, but that's up to them. He's not your son, and assuming your description of how he has/hasn't bonded with you and his step-siblings suggest he doesn't view any of you as being a part of "his" family. His loss. 2) Given that mom was a SAHM until after the divorce, Dan could/should have already started a college fund for James, and been coordinating contributions with Emily after she started working. 3) How much has James's stepmom been contributing to her stepson's college fund? She's the mirror of you (his stepfather), so that's a fair comparison. 4) Discussions of college plans, especially funding, should have begun long ago, when James started HS. That way there was time for changes to be made if needed, and plans for scholarship/grant applications to be developed. Waiting until he's 17 (senior in HS?) is kind of late. Bottom line - this falls on Dan.
Schmebulock 2 months ago
Tell him to get the rest from his deadbeat dad and F all the way off.
BlackestDawn 2 months ago
While it certainly could have been handled somewhat better I don't think OP did anything directly wrong. They really need to sit down with James and straight out tell him that he rejected OP as family and thus shouldn't expect anything, and tell him that any shortfalls should be filled in by Dan. Would not surprise me if Dan has been undermining all bonding efforts between OP and James, especially considering the comment from James that the breakup is Emily's fault and would've been her fault regardless of who cheated (and it sounds like it could extend to any reason).
Scott Rackley 2 months ago
Maybe his dad that he idolizes can pitch in the difference. Either way, he's a Tate Jr in the making.
Melissa Harris 2 months ago (edited)
Personality is partially inherited. Environment plays it's role of course, but people do take after their biological parents. Ultimately, it's the OPs wife's fault for not fighting her ex husband on get their son therapy. The stepson blames his mother and stepfather because it's "safe" to do so. If he directed his anger at the appropriate course he unconsciously knows his father react badly so his survival response is to idolize and fawn over his neglectful parent. My, advice would be the OP make any financial assistance contingent on the son going to therapy. Alone at first, but maybe with family sessions later. Have his mother tell him and that she loves him but refuses to be his scapegoat.
Beak Hookage 2 months ago
Sounds like the kid inherited the Selfish Jerk gene off his bio dad.
Bette 2 months ago
BOTH parents need to sit down with 17 year old and have serious talk with him. Mother needs to emphasize that collegiate funds for his siblings are NONE of his business. She was wrong to share that with him. Mother also needs to remind son that he has TWO parents who are responsible for HIS education. Stepfather can offer to help him with books and room and board but also be honest with stepson. Tell him truthfully - he is about to leave for college and about to be 18 - that his past behavior has been hurtful and not of a "son's". Realize that it is hard to watch your parents divorce and move on without having a voice or a choice; but that being hurtful, disagreeable and coming back with "not family" words are hardly ways to come to an understanding. The Stepfather needs to emphasize that he and the boy's mother are a united front, stand together and most importantly on his side.
Mark Childers 2 months ago
It is always up to the parents to repair any relationship issues with their kids, but especially so for a stepparent. Kids are, for the most part, responding to what is happening around them.
tee-lena 2 months ago
Coming from someone who had adoptive guardians who acted like stepdad when I hit the terrible teen years,and I acted accordingly. I've not seen them since I was just turned 18. I'm fifty,near enough. step dad will lose any chance with this kid when he gets older if he doesn't stop treating him as other than. Yta. Is losing him completely worth the money that you said you could afford? If so then yikes,you're not up to being a parent
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
This entire problem was caused by a stupid woman who couldn't keep her stupid mouth shut. But, bottom line for the peanut gallery. NOBODY OWES YOU COLLEGE. Real parents, step parents, god parents, who the f**k ever. This kid is an entitle POS. When you treat people badly, they don't want to help you. It's a good lesson for him to learn. Besides, he has two parents, his siblings deserve their father's full commitment just as he deserves his father's.
Power puff scientist 2 months ago
when they only consider you family when they want money that says it all.
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 2 months ago (edited)
Sounds like James grew up to be as big a p***k as his dad. I wouldn't give him a g*****n penny.
Alexandra 2 months ago
The truth is, that kid has two parents who should help him get a good education and OP isn't one of them. On top of that, the kid doesn't recognize OP as his family, so why should OP contribute? Why should OP make up for the kid's father's failure to provide his son with an education? That's just enabling a dead-beat dad. Why should OP fund this kid's disrespect? That's insane.
Becca not Becky 2 months ago
I heard once that every boy wants to believe his dad is a hero. The fact that he still manages to blame his mom and basically accept the idea that its okay for men to cheat but not women tells me he is desperate for that belief. And he's on a fast path to being just like his old man. So sad
Paul Rabit 2 months ago
Mom should never have told son how much was in his sibling's accounts. It wasn't his business.
Uncle Panda 2 months ago
While 17 is technically a child, find me one who won't bristle if you say that. All of the comments citing 'child' make sense for younger kids but not a 17 year old. What if his birthday is next week? He's on the cusp of adulthood and "you made your bed, now lie in it" is one of life's better lessons, the sooner learnt, the better.
Mike F 2 months ago
His first problem was taking this to reddit. That board is a bunch of myopic jerks. The kid seems to want to be totally apart from the "family" until there is $£€ involved, then he becomes Greg Brady. You can't have it both ways and his apathy or in some instances downright aversion to being a family then hold out your hand for college money. I agree with LongFang entirely.
Excited Panda 2 months ago
This is easy! 1) You don't owe your stepson anything related to a "college fund"; his mother and father can/should contribute, but that's up to them. He's not your son, and assuming your description of how he has/hasn't bonded with you and his step-siblings suggest he doesn't view any of you as being a part of "his" family. His loss. 2) Given that mom was a SAHM until after the divorce, Dan could/should have already started a college fund for James, and been coordinating contributions with Emily after she started working. 3) How much has James's stepmom been contributing to her stepson's college fund? She's the mirror of you (his stepfather), so that's a fair comparison. 4) Discussions of college plans, especially funding, should have begun long ago, when James started HS. That way there was time for changes to be made if needed, and plans for scholarship/grant applications to be developed. Waiting until he's 17 (senior in HS?) is kind of late. Bottom line - this falls on Dan.
Schmebulock 2 months ago
Tell him to get the rest from his deadbeat dad and F all the way off.
BlackestDawn 2 months ago
While it certainly could have been handled somewhat better I don't think OP did anything directly wrong. They really need to sit down with James and straight out tell him that he rejected OP as family and thus shouldn't expect anything, and tell him that any shortfalls should be filled in by Dan. Would not surprise me if Dan has been undermining all bonding efforts between OP and James, especially considering the comment from James that the breakup is Emily's fault and would've been her fault regardless of who cheated (and it sounds like it could extend to any reason).
Scott Rackley 2 months ago
Maybe his dad that he idolizes can pitch in the difference. Either way, he's a Tate Jr in the making.
Melissa Harris 2 months ago (edited)
Personality is partially inherited. Environment plays it's role of course, but people do take after their biological parents. Ultimately, it's the OPs wife's fault for not fighting her ex husband on get their son therapy. The stepson blames his mother and stepfather because it's "safe" to do so. If he directed his anger at the appropriate course he unconsciously knows his father react badly so his survival response is to idolize and fawn over his neglectful parent. My, advice would be the OP make any financial assistance contingent on the son going to therapy. Alone at first, but maybe with family sessions later. Have his mother tell him and that she loves him but refuses to be his scapegoat.
Beak Hookage 2 months ago
Sounds like the kid inherited the Selfish Jerk gene off his bio dad.
Bette 2 months ago
BOTH parents need to sit down with 17 year old and have serious talk with him. Mother needs to emphasize that collegiate funds for his siblings are NONE of his business. She was wrong to share that with him. Mother also needs to remind son that he has TWO parents who are responsible for HIS education. Stepfather can offer to help him with books and room and board but also be honest with stepson. Tell him truthfully - he is about to leave for college and about to be 18 - that his past behavior has been hurtful and not of a "son's". Realize that it is hard to watch your parents divorce and move on without having a voice or a choice; but that being hurtful, disagreeable and coming back with "not family" words are hardly ways to come to an understanding. The Stepfather needs to emphasize that he and the boy's mother are a united front, stand together and most importantly on his side.
Mark Childers 2 months ago
It is always up to the parents to repair any relationship issues with their kids, but especially so for a stepparent. Kids are, for the most part, responding to what is happening around them.
tee-lena 2 months ago
Coming from someone who had adoptive guardians who acted like stepdad when I hit the terrible teen years,and I acted accordingly. I've not seen them since I was just turned 18. I'm fifty,near enough. step dad will lose any chance with this kid when he gets older if he doesn't stop treating him as other than. Yta. Is losing him completely worth the money that you said you could afford? If so then yikes,you're not up to being a parent
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
This entire problem was caused by a stupid woman who couldn't keep her stupid mouth shut. But, bottom line for the peanut gallery. NOBODY OWES YOU COLLEGE. Real parents, step parents, god parents, who the f**k ever. This kid is an entitle POS. When you treat people badly, they don't want to help you. It's a good lesson for him to learn. Besides, he has two parents, his siblings deserve their father's full commitment just as he deserves his father's.
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