Man Wants An Open Marriage After 19 Years, Realizes His Mistake When He Sees Wife Thriving
It’s important to keep the fire burning in a marriage as it’s no surprise that over time, long-lasting relationships might lose a bit of their initial spark.
Losing the spark was the reason this redditor decided to seek change after nearly two decades of married life. He asked his wife to make their marriage open—a decision he soon came to regret, as the arrangement didn’t work as he likely hoped it would.
It’s not always easy to keep the fire burning in a long-lasting relationship
Image credits: shotsstudio / envato (not the actual photo)
After nearly two decades of marriage, this redditor asked his wife for an open relationship
Rawpixel / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Green-Waterways-1482
A third of Americans see open marriage as an acceptable arrangement
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Whether in a marriage or not, maintaining a long-lasting relationship as a couple is a two-person job. As the shade from the rose-tinted glasses starts to fade and the initial flame seems to flicker more and more, both sides might have to put in effort to keep it alive. That’s because at a certain point—which arguably depends on both the length of the relationship and the age of those involved—the relationship tends to hit a low, which can even lead to a breaking point.
A licensed counselor focusing on family life, Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D., pointed out that it’s the decades between the ages of 20 and 40 that are likely to be the most troublesome time in a relationship. The expert also suggested that 40 is the time when people tend to focus more on regrets over certain things in the past, which might include regrets relating to romantic partners.
It’s unclear if the latter had something to do with the OP’s decision to seek an open marriage or it was simply lack of the initial spark that led to such a request. Be that as it may, the redditor is not the only one who finds it to be an acceptable arrangement. Pew Research Center’s 2023 survey found that roughly a third of Americans do (while half of them don’t and 16% remain undecided). The survey also revealed that men seem to be slightly more supportive of open marriages than their female counterparts.
There can be various reasons for couples to opt for a less conventional arrangement in a relationship
Image credits: Andre Furtado / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Pew Research Center’s survey also revealed that more than half of respondents believe that people stay in unhappy marriages for too long. Such unhappy unions might be one of the reasons why the number of couples getting married has been on a fluctuating decline over the last three decades.
However, far from every marriage is an unhappy one, as statistics reveal that nearly two-thirds of married Americans report being very content with their relationship. (Just as many of them say that trust is the key element behind a happy marriage.)
Another study of tendencies in regards to commitment and relationships found that roughly two-in-five people would be open to experiment with an open relationship, the Huffington Post reports. It also found that when it comes to global statistics, people in Hungary, Portugal, and Luxembourg seem to be the most prone to commitment, while Latvians line up at the other end of the scale.
According to social psychologist Dr. Justin Lehmiller, less conventional relationship dynamics, such as an open relationship, are likely on the rise because of increased media exposure; nowadays it tends to represent various arrangements with less stigmatization than back in the day.
Another reason for the growing interest in more than just the conventional ways, according to Dr. Lehmiller, is growing expectations for relationships that might become difficult for one partner to meet. “As a result, some are now considering whether the best solution is to have different partners who can meet different needs,” the expert told The Huffington Post.
The OP’s request for him and his wife to have multiple partners backfired rather quickly, as the woman seemingly found quite a few of them, while the redditor struggled with making new romantic connections. That’s why he started regretting his decision, but fellow redditors pointed out he had no one else to blame for the situation but himself.
Fellow redditors shared their honest opinions in the comments
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Almost every story about open marriage on reddit ends with the person wanting the open marriage to have a surprised pikachu face when they aren't as hot as they thought and their partner gets it all. Almost like the grass isn't greener on the other side
It's because a lot of men think they've got it going on, even the ones that are fat & balding with nasty looking teeth. It's just the same as it is with Incels where they're a 3 on a (very) good day, but are chasing after 7 & above. Why they think a woman would want to date down baffles me. If they would stay in their lane with the other 1's & 2's, they'd be able to fine someone who will date them.
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FAFO. It was all well and good to pin her down as being the problem when he thought he could just get whoever he was attracted to instead of her. Then reality strikes and it turns out he ain't all that yet she is a dish....and now it's all so unfair, would it have been unfair if she was suffering? Conceited misogynistic a.hole got what was coming to him.
And my favorite from Bugs' expression, "what a ta-ra-ra-goon-de-ay." (Bowery Bugs - https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6vjwqk)
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Guys are pretty damn delusional. You wanted sparks and sex with someone younger and hotter than your wife, only to find that the younger hotter women don't want to waste their time on a middle-aged married man who's let himself go. FAFO, a*****e.
Men aren't all delusional. I will readily agree that some are, but not all.
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What a man child. He’s realizing there are consequences to being a selfish person. And now that he does not like those consequences, he’s pretending like he’s “learned something” to try and avoid them. I hope the wife finds someone better and leaves.
Boohoo. So he would have been perfectly happy if he was getting the dates and his wife wasn't? What a pathetic manchild. I hope the wife meets a decent bloke and kicks this loser to the curb.
Also, what are the chances that the reason why he wasn’t into his wife any more was because she wasn’t as passionate and interested in sex as she once was *because* he had let himself go.
Let himself go AND was a total douchbag on top of it all.
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I wonder how many times he nagged his wife before she agreed to the open marriage.
I'm guessing it's a similar number to how many times he harassed his co-worker before she reported him to HR.
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I know a very similar story of a man who kept pestering his wife into a situation where they were with another couple. She reluctantly accepted, but then ended up enjoying it, while he couldn’t get it up. And what’s even better was that she got a taste for it and joined a swingers club.
OP says he's glad his daughter isn't there to see their marriage falling apart, but it's only falling about in his eyes, his wife is perfectly content with the marriage. Also, and I know other women, for the most part, would agree that his story about his coworkers is off - he claims he just asked her out - but if she got upset and reported him, and he actually got fired for it even though their depts had absolutely nothing in common, then I would bet my house that he was being slimy in those texts. They didn't even issue a write up, they just fired his a*s ... I have no doubt it's because he was being very inappropriate. I hope there wasn't a d**k pic involved, though I wouldn't really be remotely surprised, guys love sending those for some reason.
As someone in a non-monogamous relationship/ marriage, the amount of people who go into this without being in a stable situation to start with is baffling. It isn't just a I want to sleep with other people situation, ever. There has to be so much trust and conversation and understanding to start with. It truly is a lifestyle, not a hobby.
Sometimes you go in with the right mindset, I (thought I) did, but experiencing consistent courtesy & respect from others while not receiving it from my ex really opened my eyes & head to how truly awful he was. My ‘friends’ encouraged & supported me when I decided to divorce him. I even ended up living with one platonically for over a year post-separation. I know it’s uncomfortable for those who live the lifestyle successfully but, please, don’t dismiss the positive outcomes of “failing”. Seeing healthy relationships in action may have saved my life.
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OP thought he was the most amazing looking, most attractive person in the world and that women would be swarming all over him, but he wanted to have his cake and eat it to, so he 'suggested' to his wife they have an open relationship. Then reality hit - he isn't all that and a bag of chips, women do not find him irresistible, BUT men do find his wife is all that and the chips and now he had an epiphany that he was 'wrong' and he deeply loves his wife and doesn't want her to be with other men. FAFO I hope she files for divorce.
lol love this. women..no matter how unattractive you may think they are, can get d**k easier than a man can get pussy. that is a fact
I will never understand men who think they are not only attractive, but deserve romcom excitement at all times. If someone isn't attracted to you they aren't attracted to you. Stop teaching boys they are so all-powerfully important.
sooo ... not f*ck around and find out, but find out and don't f*ck around?
"He had the nerve to say my wife looked better than me..." Not just looks better than him. IS better than him.
Good for her!!! You're lucky she decides to keep coming home to you! Should have done your homework. Dating sites stats show women on the sites have 10+ men for every woman. They have their pick of the Best personalities, best jobs, most handsome, most considerate, and when finding a jerk easily move onto the next one. Many sites even let women sign up for free. We, WOMEN, are the catch. Men, eh meh. You thought you'd be out there just banging young, gorgeous women and found out you're yesterday's used up newspaper. Oh, that sucks, seriously. To end, no one owns another human being. Vows, words, promises, nothing gives you absolute sovereignty over another. Your actions, behavior and words cause another to want to stay or not. This is on you. In our marriage, Pagan, we ask each other, on our anniversary, each year, if we want another year together. We never assume. We respect that one may have a change of heart. After 40yrs we are still together
I love these stories. Lol. Middle aged men always think that a younger woman being nice to them means they have a shot.... then they do s**t like this & the younger woman is like "uhhh no. You're gross! & creepy!" & then they have shocked pikachu face. lol. Then their hot wives f**k hot men & they're so confused. 9/10x your wife is hotter than you at 44... especially if you don't take care of yourself. What self respecting young woman would want a middle aged, married man who doesn't take care of himself. Especially when they're hot & can f**k any young dude they want? Who in their right mind would choose you over that! Sorry. Not sorry.
What a moron. It seems like guys like him will nag their wives about an open marriage, thinking they can get laid and want to close it back up after their wife ends up enjoying the open marriage. No dude, you don't get to put that genie back in the bottom. He can live with it/see about couple's therapy or get divorced. I wonder if the wife knows why he lost his job. It's really not surprising for a coworker to be creeped out by a married manager hitting her up for sex, even if he isn't her direct boss. I'm guessing the content of the messages or the frequency was creepy/harassing since HR fired him instead of writing him up. Some places, like my workplace have strict rules about coworkers dating each other. There is one married couple at my work, but they work in different departments. HR at my work would have a very negative opinion that is company policy about management trying to date non-management.
What an idiot! You thought you were gonna be the one pulling all the trim so you sexually harassed a coworker, and lost your job. Meanwhile your wife is handling more sausage than Jimmy Dean. Here's the thing, she's probably not that in to it, but when you asked her for an open marriage you hurt her and now she's gonna make you suffer for it.
I think he just wanted to date his coworker and used this as an excuse. He didn’t get the outcome he hoped so he tried to backtrack. Such to suck
The male version of Pandora - opened the box and unleashed a big old pile of whoop-a*s on himself. She is now getting (the most likely well deserved) emotional and physical attention she wasn't getting before the box opened (odds on with more skilful partners also). Buddy, you ripped open a pillow on a windy day - you will never get the feathers all picked up and back inside
Here’s what’s going to happen - the wife will find someone better while she’s dating, fall in love and initiate divorce. After wallowing in his bitterness for a few years, OP will remarry to someone nowhere near as great as his first wife and that marriage will also end in divorce. He’ll rarely see his daughter.
OK, everyone - in unison - "Be careful what you ask for - You may get it!"
LMFAO .. I guess the grass wasn't as green as you thought... lol moron
I'll let you know what I think about this whole situation...when I stop laughing at this guy's audacity...
Lmao, man this takes me back. Only my ex tossed me over for some lower at work, after they did the nasty, she booted him. He saw me having lost weight on the divorce diet (no food, exercise constantly) and was interested. I said eat your heart out and no touching
Sorry guys but dating for women seems to be a lot easier than it is for men. When I signed up on a couple dating sites it was so overwhelming how many people were trying to meet up I ended up deleting them. My BF (prior to us dating) said it was very slim pickings, and he's an attractive, successful man. Remember that when you're getting bored of your wife.
What a twat. You wanted sex with at least one other woman so you opened up your relationship. Your wife is now happily f*****g. You? You're just f****d. It serves you right. Only an idiot would have believed this would turn out any other way. Manager? Right, you were (and are) that idiot. Get ready for the divorce when your wife finds somebody she falls for, it will happen.
At least he freed her, and she can enjoy her life more. Too bad for him the results aren't what he expected. It's pretty selfish to try to dictate to another person who they can or can't sleep with, even if it is your spouse. He shouldn't whine about it.
OP is dumber than a dung beetle. He just embarrassed himself on the internet for the whole world, lmao, wow. He deserves everything, and I mean everything he gets for being such an ignorant AH.
Never dip your quill in the company ink. It won't end well (and didn't for this guy).
If he has any chance of saving the marriage, he should start wooing her again. Ask her out on a date. Do little things to make her happy. Buy her gifts. Lord knows the other guys are likely doing that for her, so now he'll need to compete. That's what happens when you tell your wife you want to f**k other women. He's an idiot.
SHE should divorce YOU and end all this open marriage nonsense
I'm going through this right now, I have been in a thirty year marriage .He thought that it would be easy. I am financially stuck right now and have a roommate thing happening with my husband I even encourage him to go out but well it is what it is.
Eat the soup you cooked and keep your mouth shot, you are an i d i o t
I'm so glad I'm not in a situation where my s.o. would suggest something like this.
It's never not hilarious and satisfying when these situations inevitably end like this. The self-delusion of the people who want an open marriage only to be hit with the reality that, no, they're not a desirable as they think they are. "My partner let themselves go...but I definitely did not" is such a hilarious self-owning blindspot.
You’re showing either your age, your lack of social exposure or both. This precise scenario is so common there are therapists, specialists & even life coaches who specifically deal with it. There are dozens of books published on navigating open relationships/ marriages for people over 40, including books on power imbalance between the couple.
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Littleorangemonkeys, there is a third option here — couples counseling. Dum-dum OP might actually learn something.
The wife seems to have this one sorted - financial security, sexual freedom, and the blinkers removed so that she can plan her own future without emotional toes to someone who doesn’t love her in return. Why do you assume she’ll want couples counselling?
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Almost every story about open marriage on reddit ends with the person wanting the open marriage to have a surprised pikachu face when they aren't as hot as they thought and their partner gets it all. Almost like the grass isn't greener on the other side
It's because a lot of men think they've got it going on, even the ones that are fat & balding with nasty looking teeth. It's just the same as it is with Incels where they're a 3 on a (very) good day, but are chasing after 7 & above. Why they think a woman would want to date down baffles me. If they would stay in their lane with the other 1's & 2's, they'd be able to fine someone who will date them.
Load More Replies... FAFO. It was all well and good to pin her down as being the problem when he thought he could just get whoever he was attracted to instead of her. Then reality strikes and it turns out he ain't all that yet she is a dish....and now it's all so unfair, would it have been unfair if she was suffering? Conceited misogynistic a.hole got what was coming to him.
And my favorite from Bugs' expression, "what a ta-ra-ra-goon-de-ay." (Bowery Bugs - https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6vjwqk)
Load More Replies... Guys are pretty damn delusional. You wanted sparks and sex with someone younger and hotter than your wife, only to find that the younger hotter women don't want to waste their time on a middle-aged married man who's let himself go. FAFO, a*****e.
Men aren't all delusional. I will readily agree that some are, but not all.
Load More Replies... What a man child. He’s realizing there are consequences to being a selfish person. And now that he does not like those consequences, he’s pretending like he’s “learned something” to try and avoid them. I hope the wife finds someone better and leaves.
Boohoo. So he would have been perfectly happy if he was getting the dates and his wife wasn't? What a pathetic manchild. I hope the wife meets a decent bloke and kicks this loser to the curb.
Also, what are the chances that the reason why he wasn’t into his wife any more was because she wasn’t as passionate and interested in sex as she once was *because* he had let himself go.
Let himself go AND was a total douchbag on top of it all.
Load More Replies... I wonder how many times he nagged his wife before she agreed to the open marriage.
I'm guessing it's a similar number to how many times he harassed his co-worker before she reported him to HR.
Load More Replies... I know a very similar story of a man who kept pestering his wife into a situation where they were with another couple. She reluctantly accepted, but then ended up enjoying it, while he couldn’t get it up. And what’s even better was that she got a taste for it and joined a swingers club.
OP says he's glad his daughter isn't there to see their marriage falling apart, but it's only falling about in his eyes, his wife is perfectly content with the marriage. Also, and I know other women, for the most part, would agree that his story about his coworkers is off - he claims he just asked her out - but if she got upset and reported him, and he actually got fired for it even though their depts had absolutely nothing in common, then I would bet my house that he was being slimy in those texts. They didn't even issue a write up, they just fired his a*s ... I have no doubt it's because he was being very inappropriate. I hope there wasn't a d**k pic involved, though I wouldn't really be remotely surprised, guys love sending those for some reason.
As someone in a non-monogamous relationship/ marriage, the amount of people who go into this without being in a stable situation to start with is baffling. It isn't just a I want to sleep with other people situation, ever. There has to be so much trust and conversation and understanding to start with. It truly is a lifestyle, not a hobby.
Sometimes you go in with the right mindset, I (thought I) did, but experiencing consistent courtesy & respect from others while not receiving it from my ex really opened my eyes & head to how truly awful he was. My ‘friends’ encouraged & supported me when I decided to divorce him. I even ended up living with one platonically for over a year post-separation. I know it’s uncomfortable for those who live the lifestyle successfully but, please, don’t dismiss the positive outcomes of “failing”. Seeing healthy relationships in action may have saved my life.
Load More Replies... OP thought he was the most amazing looking, most attractive person in the world and that women would be swarming all over him, but he wanted to have his cake and eat it to, so he 'suggested' to his wife they have an open relationship. Then reality hit - he isn't all that and a bag of chips, women do not find him irresistible, BUT men do find his wife is all that and the chips and now he had an epiphany that he was 'wrong' and he deeply loves his wife and doesn't want her to be with other men. FAFO I hope she files for divorce.
lol love this. women..no matter how unattractive you may think they are, can get d**k easier than a man can get pussy. that is a fact
I will never understand men who think they are not only attractive, but deserve romcom excitement at all times. If someone isn't attracted to you they aren't attracted to you. Stop teaching boys they are so all-powerfully important.
sooo ... not f*ck around and find out, but find out and don't f*ck around?
"He had the nerve to say my wife looked better than me..." Not just looks better than him. IS better than him.
Good for her!!! You're lucky she decides to keep coming home to you! Should have done your homework. Dating sites stats show women on the sites have 10+ men for every woman. They have their pick of the Best personalities, best jobs, most handsome, most considerate, and when finding a jerk easily move onto the next one. Many sites even let women sign up for free. We, WOMEN, are the catch. Men, eh meh. You thought you'd be out there just banging young, gorgeous women and found out you're yesterday's used up newspaper. Oh, that sucks, seriously. To end, no one owns another human being. Vows, words, promises, nothing gives you absolute sovereignty over another. Your actions, behavior and words cause another to want to stay or not. This is on you. In our marriage, Pagan, we ask each other, on our anniversary, each year, if we want another year together. We never assume. We respect that one may have a change of heart. After 40yrs we are still together
I love these stories. Lol. Middle aged men always think that a younger woman being nice to them means they have a shot.... then they do s**t like this & the younger woman is like "uhhh no. You're gross! & creepy!" & then they have shocked pikachu face. lol. Then their hot wives f**k hot men & they're so confused. 9/10x your wife is hotter than you at 44... especially if you don't take care of yourself. What self respecting young woman would want a middle aged, married man who doesn't take care of himself. Especially when they're hot & can f**k any young dude they want? Who in their right mind would choose you over that! Sorry. Not sorry.
What a moron. It seems like guys like him will nag their wives about an open marriage, thinking they can get laid and want to close it back up after their wife ends up enjoying the open marriage. No dude, you don't get to put that genie back in the bottom. He can live with it/see about couple's therapy or get divorced. I wonder if the wife knows why he lost his job. It's really not surprising for a coworker to be creeped out by a married manager hitting her up for sex, even if he isn't her direct boss. I'm guessing the content of the messages or the frequency was creepy/harassing since HR fired him instead of writing him up. Some places, like my workplace have strict rules about coworkers dating each other. There is one married couple at my work, but they work in different departments. HR at my work would have a very negative opinion that is company policy about management trying to date non-management.
What an idiot! You thought you were gonna be the one pulling all the trim so you sexually harassed a coworker, and lost your job. Meanwhile your wife is handling more sausage than Jimmy Dean. Here's the thing, she's probably not that in to it, but when you asked her for an open marriage you hurt her and now she's gonna make you suffer for it.
I think he just wanted to date his coworker and used this as an excuse. He didn’t get the outcome he hoped so he tried to backtrack. Such to suck
The male version of Pandora - opened the box and unleashed a big old pile of whoop-a*s on himself. She is now getting (the most likely well deserved) emotional and physical attention she wasn't getting before the box opened (odds on with more skilful partners also). Buddy, you ripped open a pillow on a windy day - you will never get the feathers all picked up and back inside
Here’s what’s going to happen - the wife will find someone better while she’s dating, fall in love and initiate divorce. After wallowing in his bitterness for a few years, OP will remarry to someone nowhere near as great as his first wife and that marriage will also end in divorce. He’ll rarely see his daughter.
OK, everyone - in unison - "Be careful what you ask for - You may get it!"
LMFAO .. I guess the grass wasn't as green as you thought... lol moron
I'll let you know what I think about this whole situation...when I stop laughing at this guy's audacity...
Lmao, man this takes me back. Only my ex tossed me over for some lower at work, after they did the nasty, she booted him. He saw me having lost weight on the divorce diet (no food, exercise constantly) and was interested. I said eat your heart out and no touching
Sorry guys but dating for women seems to be a lot easier than it is for men. When I signed up on a couple dating sites it was so overwhelming how many people were trying to meet up I ended up deleting them. My BF (prior to us dating) said it was very slim pickings, and he's an attractive, successful man. Remember that when you're getting bored of your wife.
What a twat. You wanted sex with at least one other woman so you opened up your relationship. Your wife is now happily f*****g. You? You're just f****d. It serves you right. Only an idiot would have believed this would turn out any other way. Manager? Right, you were (and are) that idiot. Get ready for the divorce when your wife finds somebody she falls for, it will happen.
At least he freed her, and she can enjoy her life more. Too bad for him the results aren't what he expected. It's pretty selfish to try to dictate to another person who they can or can't sleep with, even if it is your spouse. He shouldn't whine about it.
OP is dumber than a dung beetle. He just embarrassed himself on the internet for the whole world, lmao, wow. He deserves everything, and I mean everything he gets for being such an ignorant AH.
Never dip your quill in the company ink. It won't end well (and didn't for this guy).
If he has any chance of saving the marriage, he should start wooing her again. Ask her out on a date. Do little things to make her happy. Buy her gifts. Lord knows the other guys are likely doing that for her, so now he'll need to compete. That's what happens when you tell your wife you want to f**k other women. He's an idiot.
SHE should divorce YOU and end all this open marriage nonsense
I'm going through this right now, I have been in a thirty year marriage .He thought that it would be easy. I am financially stuck right now and have a roommate thing happening with my husband I even encourage him to go out but well it is what it is.
Eat the soup you cooked and keep your mouth shot, you are an i d i o t
I'm so glad I'm not in a situation where my s.o. would suggest something like this.
It's never not hilarious and satisfying when these situations inevitably end like this. The self-delusion of the people who want an open marriage only to be hit with the reality that, no, they're not a desirable as they think they are. "My partner let themselves go...but I definitely did not" is such a hilarious self-owning blindspot.
You’re showing either your age, your lack of social exposure or both. This precise scenario is so common there are therapists, specialists & even life coaches who specifically deal with it. There are dozens of books published on navigating open relationships/ marriages for people over 40, including books on power imbalance between the couple.
Load More Replies... Littleorangemonkeys, there is a third option here — couples counseling. Dum-dum OP might actually learn something.
The wife seems to have this one sorted - financial security, sexual freedom, and the blinkers removed so that she can plan her own future without emotional toes to someone who doesn’t love her in return. Why do you assume she’ll want couples counselling?
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