Husband Mad At Wife For Not Giving His Parents Money, Gets Wake-Up Call From The Internet
“Mo’ money, mo’ problems,” The Notorious B.I.G sang in 1997, which may have seemed ludicrous to anyone with financial issues. But as many adults have quickly learned, family finances and managing who is the breadwinner has its own deep set of pitfalls.
One man asked the internet if he really was in the wrong for demanding that his highly-paid wife take care of his parents. She earns a lot more than he does and already gives her own parents some extra cash, so it wouldn’t be too hard, he reasoned. The people of the internet instead had no sympathy, as he quickly learned.
Talking about money with your spouse can be a touchy topic
Image credits: Prostock-studio (not the actual photo)
A husband wanted his well-paid wife to financially take care of his parents, as he thought it was her responsibility
Image credits: KostiantynVoitenko (not the actual photo)
He gave a few more details after some reader questions
Image credits: AngleComfortable1917
Money problems are a constant pitfall in many marriages
This story perfectly encapsulates many of the difficulties that come with figuring out finances when in a relationship. Regardless of actual income and income inequalities, it’s exceedingly rare that either party will see money the same way. We are fortunate that OP gave his wife’s family background, as that gives some insight into how she might have seen finances before and after she acquired a high-paying job. While on the surface, it could seem like the wife and her family grew up privileged, as it often is with people in well-paid positions, however, their attitude towards money shows that they still place a very high premium on holding on to it.
The real issue here is that without a mutual understanding of how to approach money, any solution will still be a compromise, which can ultimately lead to resentment over time. While OP perhaps came on too strong by declaring his parents his wife’s responsibility, it’s pretty easy to see how she could significantly improve their lives with an amount of money that would be just a drop in the bucket for her. From this perspective, her actions are more symbolic, as supporting her husband’s parents would be almost a rounding error in her finances.
Image credits: halfpoint (not the actual photo)
Managing finances is an important test for any relationship
While relationships generally are and should be about love, the reality is that people need to make decisions about finances every day, regardless of their financial status. A study of married and cohabiting couples in Poland showed that across the board, relationship satisfaction was affected by how the couple communicated about money. At the top of the importance chain for most couples is financial security, which in most cases means covering debts and bills. While this might not directly be OP’s concern, given his wife’s income, it does seem relevant for his parents, which in turn might make him more stressed.
Related to managing day-to-day financial security is the need for long-term security. In the study, this was mostly connected to the idea of insurance of some sort. In OP’s case, he mentions them living beyond his specific means, as his wife had “expensive taste.” When he asks her to financially support his parents, she says it should come out of his end, which is perhaps reasonable in this case, but it raises some disconcerting questions. What if next time he needs money that he doesn’t have, she will have the same response? The fact that most of these issues would be resolved if he was paid more doesn’t negate the fact that his relationship with his wife does not bring about a sense of security which tends to be important in the long-term survival of a marriage.
Overall, the research suggests that the satisfaction of both people in the relationship is reliant on similar goals and values. That’s a pretty subjective topic, but OP’s story might be hinting at the unfortunate reality that he and his partner do not perhaps share the same values, which is causing friction in the relationship. Whatever those values and beliefs might be, being out of sync with your partner will place the relationship in a rocky position. This also means that there are often no clear-cut answers and ultimately these sorts of conflicts are the ones that most test a relationship.
Image credits: Socialroby (not the actual photo)
OP also clarified some points in the comments
Most readers thought OP was entitled and overly demanding
But a few readers thought he had some valid points
OP gave a follow-up about how reading through the comments had made him feel
I'll never understand people who get into marriage and continue to view things (especially money) as mine/yours. My wife and I together own our house and our cars. Our money is in our bank accounts. If and when the time comes to help our parents we'll do what needs to be done. Too many people today take the step of marriage too lightly.
I know ... They're like legally bound roommates, not partners.
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I'd say ESH. He sounds entitled, she comes off as heartless. I feel so bad for his parents.
I'm on the fence, here, too. It sounds as if they have separate accounts, which may protect her money, but it puts a strain on him. For example, he has to save up for her expensive gifts. Some couples have three accounts: individual and a joint one for household expenses. I've been in both situations (individual vs joint accounts) and found it much easier to discuss our money with a joint account. My spouse's occasional grumbling is way less stressful than my worrying about my money. Joint accounts don't work if one is a spendthrift (sometimes it's both!), but it sounds as if he's not careless with money.
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This whole separate finance thi g has just never made sense to me... no matter who makes more, it creates an ugly power dynamic. My wife and I started from nothing - I had a low income job, she was divorced with three kids by the time she was 22. We sacrificed for each other and our family unit. Eventually we moved firmly into upper middle class... we help both of our families and are just grateful we can.
In my family, my husband spends until the account is empty. He spent all of the retirement money before i had the sense to check up on him. I'll be working until the day i die, thanks to him.
Load More Replies... I'll never understand people who get into marriage and continue to view things (especially money) as mine/yours. My wife and I together own our house and our cars. Our money is in our bank accounts. If and when the time comes to help our parents we'll do what needs to be done. Too many people today take the step of marriage too lightly.
I know ... They're like legally bound roommates, not partners.
Load More Replies... I'd say ESH. He sounds entitled, she comes off as heartless. I feel so bad for his parents.
I'm on the fence, here, too. It sounds as if they have separate accounts, which may protect her money, but it puts a strain on him. For example, he has to save up for her expensive gifts. Some couples have three accounts: individual and a joint one for household expenses. I've been in both situations (individual vs joint accounts) and found it much easier to discuss our money with a joint account. My spouse's occasional grumbling is way less stressful than my worrying about my money. Joint accounts don't work if one is a spendthrift (sometimes it's both!), but it sounds as if he's not careless with money.
Load More Replies... This whole separate finance thi g has just never made sense to me... no matter who makes more, it creates an ugly power dynamic. My wife and I started from nothing - I had a low income job, she was divorced with three kids by the time she was 22. We sacrificed for each other and our family unit. Eventually we moved firmly into upper middle class... we help both of our families and are just grateful we can.
In my family, my husband spends until the account is empty. He spent all of the retirement money before i had the sense to check up on him. I'll be working until the day i die, thanks to him.
Load More Replies...
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