“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”
When you see someone parenting their child and you are convinced that it’s not the way to do it, it’s hard to hold back and not say anything, but it’s not your place to teach the parent how to raise their kid.
But some situations require you to speak your mind and this Reddit user was pushed into one. She was allowed to take her niece on a ski trip, but later, her mom changed her mind. However, she didn’t want their daughter to be mad at her, so she asked the aunt to lie to her niece and tell her that the trip was canceled. The woman thought it was wrong for the parents to ask her to lie to their daughter to save them from her anger, but is conflicted because the niece will definitely be really mad at her mom.
More info: Reddit
Aunt finally was able to take her niece skiing, but the parents changed their mind and she was asked to take the blame
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/2-59.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
Image credits: Mario A.P. (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) has an older brother who got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 19 years old. They both stayed together and raised their daughter Ashley, who is now 11 years old, and they also had a son who is currently 4 years old.
The niece is described as “bright and thoughtful, just a pleasure to have around” and the OP actually became pretty close with her despite seeing her only a few times a year as they stay connected online.
This woman’s brother had a daughter when he was 19 and she really bonded with the girl, so despite not seeing her very often, they always keep in touch
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_d1f92f49414c1134a57191ce560c7057.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_3fcfc00753cf12a7bf3cd512178dbc18.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
Every year the woman and her boyfriend go skiing for New Years after coming to visit the family for Christmas. Hugo, the older brother, and Amy, his wife, allowed the OP to take Ashley on that skiing trip.
Ashley was thrilled about the news as she is going to a private school, which her grandparents are paying for, and it is full of rich kids who go on lavish vacations all the time, but her family doesn’t.
As the OP explained in the comments, her and her brother’s parents cut off their financing when they moved out of the family home and forced them to make a living themselves, but they really cared about their grandchild’s education, so they offered to pay for the private school.
The girl is now 11 and her parents for the first time allowed her to go on the aunt’s annual skiing trip
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_aa5c7d0d08ce7b98827b4e837be0955d.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_683ebabe31f2e5d15c4f3d29fe48bf91.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/1-69.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
Image credits: Damian Morys (not the actual image)
The woman suspects that Ashley’s parents didn’t know what they were signing their daughter up for, but they also believed it would academically benefit their daughter. But she is now living in a different world than her parents where money, nice cars and luxury bags play an important role.
It was evident from an incident during dinner when Ashley asked her aunt to chaperone her to go ice skating with her friends because her boyfriend rented a sports car, when it was already agreed that her mom would take her there.
The OP didn’t mind spending her day with kids, but she also didn’t want to ruin Amy’s plans, especially because she knew that her sister-in-law doesn’t really like her. That is when Ashley started insulting her mom. The Redditor wanted the parents to have the last say because she genuinely believes that it’s not her place to parent their kid and make decisions for them.
The poster of the story is what you could call a cool aunt and the girl also wanted her to chaperone her ice skating trip with her friends
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_7cbd1a10c40ee086b9ee2f66ec4c0bdb.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
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Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
But according to the aunt, it wasn’t just a simple teenager’s outburst about wanting to look cool. She talked with Ashley and the girl opened up about how she feels suffocated by her mother and doesn’t like how she constantly inserts herself in her social life. And as an 11-year-old she doesn’t really know how else she can create space between her and her mom except for being mean.
When the girl’s mom said she had already cleared her day to be her chaperone, the 11-year-old started insulting her mom, explaining why she doesn’t want her to go
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_53142db0817b9a4f01ac4f95bd5b3403.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
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Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
The girl’s behavior made her parents punish her by not allowing her to go ice skating altogether. She was pretty angry about it and stopped speaking to her mom. The parents, being concerned about Ashley’s behavior, didn’t want her to go on the skiing trip anymore either.
The weird part and the part that the OP couldn’t agree with was that the parents asked her to lie to her niece and tell her that she is not going skiing. The parents didn’t want Ashley to have more reason to stay mad at her mom and asked the aunt to take the blow.
While she does understand the parents, at the same time, they have to take responsibility for their actions and sort through all of these emotions without lies. Also, she wouldn’t want to ruin her relationship with Ashley and break her trust because the truth always comes out. So the OP refused to lie and the parents took out the “if you really care, you will do it” card.
The aunt didn’t get involved in the family argument and allowed the parents to punish their daughter as they saw fit
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_dc752c98ab74d93096e47e1e7dfb979d.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
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Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
The woman is confused as to what to do because she doesn’t want to deceive her niece, but at the same time, by refusing to do so, she might be ruining her relationship with her mom even more.
The internet came to the rescue and provided their view. Most of them agreed that the OP not wanting to lie was reasonable and Ashley deserves to know the truth. Also, she needs to know why she is being punished as many people pointed out that she was pretty cruel to her mom. But it’s the parents’ job to discipline their child.
The parents decided to cancel the ice skating trip, which made their daughter so angry that she stopped talking to her mom
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_916e0526a3abf3b5de53e3b922fb0468.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
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Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
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Image credits: Matthew Pack (not the actual image)
Many people called the OP “the cool aunt.” There isn’t a singular definition of what that means, but the cool aunt usually doesn’t have children, travels a lot, has money and likes to spend it on her nieces and nephews, doesn’t judge and has wise advice for your every problem.
Scientists argue that an aunt is as important to a girl as her mom and it doesn’t even need to be a blood relative. They say that “An aunt is the perfect blend of mother and friend — she is part of a young girl’s roots — but allows her to flourish and discover new things comfortably.”
Aunts and uncles don’t ask you if you’ve done your homework and won’t make you go to sleep early because they don’t have to and kids appreciate that. They want to spend time with them and have a little escape from their routine.
Later the aunt was told that the parents also changed their minds about the ski trip and thought that the mom and daughter should have more time to bond
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_be89613f1d30db7bb29f04ebe0baba56.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_c6df905f57655cf164d62cea6db84c5b.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_0a47949f378f45f153d09536ab6e10fe.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
The parents have a right to discipline their child, but what the woman had a problem was that they asked her to lie to her niece that she cancelled the trip altogether
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_d54280ffe4e2f70ec6de9d21990535d9.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
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Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
Some people accused the OP of trying to be a cool aunt too much, but she explained that she actually told Ashley that she didn’t agree with what the girl said about her mom. In a comment she said, “I tell her when I think she’s wrong, and we talk about it if we have a difference of opinion. For me that’s where it ends. Once she knows where and why I stand on an issue, I don’t think I should try and make her agree with me. And that has nothing to do with being cool, I’m like that with every single person in my life.”
The aunt realized it was because the mom didn’t want her daughter to be more angry with her, but she also believed lying wasn’t a solution
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_5496e90df69a5ae6c4c7ff8070e2167b.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_28a12f3d478d1edd8714d041d3399006.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
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Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
Do you think the woman should try to protect Ashley’s mom from her daughter’s anger by lying to her? Do you think it is her being the cool aunt that has a negative impact on her niece? Or is it the parents’ responsibility to sort out family issues directly? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
What, no reddit comments included? Weird. Anyway, definitely NTA, Amy needs to change her parenting style and asap. Be a mother, not a friend. This will only get worse once Ashley fully enters teenage years and will start to want to increase her independence further.
Agree. Aunt is a friend. Amy is a mother, a parent. Different roles. Be happy for your child. It is a good thing. Amys role is being a parent. Nothing else!
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NTA. True, Ashley was being extremely rude to her mother, and for that she needs to apologize. However, Amy actually created this situation. Ashley needs parents, not 30-something homies. Be the parent first, THEN be her friend/confidant/dressmaker/baker, etc. Ashley is approaching her teen years (remember how WE were?) She's trying to find her place socially, and she needs to be able to do so without dealing with a helicopter parent. A little space can make a huge, emotional difference in the life of a teenager.
I agree, but I also think Ashley has burned a bridge on the skiing trip. She doesn't deserve to go for the way she treated her mother about the already scheduled skating activity and she should be told that is reason she won't be going. It seems to me like Amy, since she doesn't care for OP, is a bit jealous of the relationship and is trying to cut the Aunt out of the picture by having her take the blame and that's not being a good parent or being a good friend to your child, that's being selfish.
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Ashley is very very lucky, she has so many people that care for her. Amy has a hard road for the teen years. I get wanting your kids to want to be your friend but that happens after the teen years. Ashley is going to prefer her cool aunt who isn't around all the time to her mom, it's just natural. Add in the fancy private school and being the "poor kid", she is definitely going to want to show off her cool aunt when she can. Amy just has to give her some space. Lose some battles to win the war.
This is a troubling common perception in parenting, the idea that "I'm your parent, not your friend". A parent should be able to manage friend and parent roles. Transitioning directly from parent to friend after the teenage years is not the best route. It should be an evolving relationship throughout. When we take our kids to the playground and play with them or take them to the movies, are we not being friends in those moments? It can't be an either/or, it needs to a balance. Properly raised children will understand that their parent is the authority even while they're enjoying their time together.
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What, no reddit comments included? Weird. Anyway, definitely NTA, Amy needs to change her parenting style and asap. Be a mother, not a friend. This will only get worse once Ashley fully enters teenage years and will start to want to increase her independence further.
Agree. Aunt is a friend. Amy is a mother, a parent. Different roles. Be happy for your child. It is a good thing. Amys role is being a parent. Nothing else!
Load More Replies... NTA. True, Ashley was being extremely rude to her mother, and for that she needs to apologize. However, Amy actually created this situation. Ashley needs parents, not 30-something homies. Be the parent first, THEN be her friend/confidant/dressmaker/baker, etc. Ashley is approaching her teen years (remember how WE were?) She's trying to find her place socially, and she needs to be able to do so without dealing with a helicopter parent. A little space can make a huge, emotional difference in the life of a teenager.
I agree, but I also think Ashley has burned a bridge on the skiing trip. She doesn't deserve to go for the way she treated her mother about the already scheduled skating activity and she should be told that is reason she won't be going. It seems to me like Amy, since she doesn't care for OP, is a bit jealous of the relationship and is trying to cut the Aunt out of the picture by having her take the blame and that's not being a good parent or being a good friend to your child, that's being selfish.
Load More Replies... Ashley is very very lucky, she has so many people that care for her. Amy has a hard road for the teen years. I get wanting your kids to want to be your friend but that happens after the teen years. Ashley is going to prefer her cool aunt who isn't around all the time to her mom, it's just natural. Add in the fancy private school and being the "poor kid", she is definitely going to want to show off her cool aunt when she can. Amy just has to give her some space. Lose some battles to win the war.
This is a troubling common perception in parenting, the idea that "I'm your parent, not your friend". A parent should be able to manage friend and parent roles. Transitioning directly from parent to friend after the teenage years is not the best route. It should be an evolving relationship throughout. When we take our kids to the playground and play with them or take them to the movies, are we not being friends in those moments? It can't be an either/or, it needs to a balance. Properly raised children will understand that their parent is the authority even while they're enjoying their time together.
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