“Wife #2 At 32, Huh? That’s A Lot Of Wives For Your Age!”: Family Keep Saying Nasty Things About Son’s Wife, He Snaps
It is quite natural for people to disagree about certain things. However, it is hard to overestimate the importance of finding the right expression of one’s concerns, as it is one thing to designate time to find a solution and move on and it is something else completely to keep bringing up the issue in every remotely similar but in fact utterly unrelated situation, where it can serve no purpose other than hurting the other person and one’s relationship with them. Such was this Redditor’s experience when his family was simply using his engagement as an excuse to get back at him and vent about what they did not like about his first marriage.
More info: Reddit
A man’s family turned bitter after he got engaged to his girlfriend
Image credits: Samson Katt (not the actual image)
The man got a lovely fiancée whom he couldn’t wait to marry, but his family kept calling her his “second wife”
Image credits: u/aite211982
Image credits: Jonathan Bora (not the actual image)
Image credits: u/aite211982
The man used to be legally married to his friend to help her out even though their relationship was not romantic
Image credits: Marko Klaric (not the actual image)
The man’s family heavily disapproved of his first marriage
After a long time, this man is finally in a genuine, supportive romantic relationship and his family was glad he was able to find love again. However, the situation changed after the man got engaged to his lovely fiancée, whom he cannot wait to get married to. All of a sudden his family started sending passive-aggressive comments their way, calling his fiancée his “second wife”, that did not seem like they were about to stop anytime soon.
The comments from his family had to do with this man’s previous marriage, which was meant to help his close friend, who had a difficult family situation pressuring her to settle down and making use of her difficult financial situation, rather than officially registering a romantic relationship. The two friends were not each other’s type, nor were they involved romantically. The man’s family heavily disapproved of his first marriage, at the same time hoping that the friends would fall in love with each other eventually, which they did not.
The family comments were meant to paint the man as not being responsible or taking marriage seriously and his fiancée as being insignificant. Such comments, obviously, made the man and his fiancée uncomfortable, as people close to him were insulting the things that he cares about, so one morning he blew up at them and called them disrespectful and rude for belittling his relationship.
Unfortunately, the response that this man’s mom and sister both gave him was that he shouldn’t have married his close friend if he didn’t want to hear these statements. Apparently, his family members still hold grudges about his first marriage and finally found a way to get back at him by belittling the relationship he cares about. The man threatened to not invite his family to the wedding and the family situation has become even more tense ever since.
Family comments were making the newly engaged couple uncomfortable, so one morning he blew up at them
Image credits: Maryia Plashchynskaya (not the actual image)
His mom and sister claimed their comments were his own fault, so he threatened to not invite them to his wedding
In their study Examining the Lived Experience of Holding Grudges, four scholars were researching what it means to hold a grudge and conducted 20 interviews to uncover the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors behind this phenomenon. They found six underlying components of holding a grudge, which included a need for validation, moral superiority, inability to let go, latency, severing ties, and expectations of the future.
According to the researchers, holding a grudge is associated with persistent negative effects and intrusive thoughts that disrupt one’s overall well-being. While left on their own, over time, thoughts and feelings of the sort tend to become less intense; however, the negativity is often still lurking in the back of one’s mind waiting to be summoned when needed. Finally, scholars defined holding a grudge as sustained feelings of hurt and anger that tend to fade over time but are easily reignited.
In her study Forgiveness: A Nonviolent Resolution of Interpersonal Conflict, Ann Macaskill emphasized the importance of forgiveness for finding a positive peace in interpersonal conflicts. She described forgiveness as a gift that is given freely and is unconditional. Macaskill explained that even though such a gold standard might be considered to be rare, it can be fostered in education and social interaction.
Redditors shared their take on the situation
"Disappointed you took marriage so lightly". OP literally did everything someone would do for a spouse. That they had no sex is no one's business. Many marriages have no sex. If my family or my husband's family started calling me or him (we were both married before) "second" we would have cut contact way before this. They actually gave us 7 years before we divorced. We've been together 32+ years. What they don't know is that we actually started as a marriage of convenience, then we fell in love.
I find it strange that so many people are saying that his first marriage went against the "sanctity" of marriage! At its root, marriage was very much a business transaction. It was not a romantic situation until very recently in history, and still is not always so in many cultures. The bottom line is that marriage is what you choose it to be for everyone. To think otherwise doesn't account for the facts.
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NTA. The only important part of the whole story is that your family's comments make both you and your fiancée horribly uncomfortable AND you've communicated your feelings to your family multiple times. Yet the comments continue. People who love you do NOT deliberately do and say things they KNOW will hurt you. You set boundaries and your family keeps violating them. Absolutely NTA.
The first marriage is LITERALLY the plot line to a Nicholas Sparks book. I wouldn't be surprised that a number of people in the US get married for health insurance.
They do. People also get divorced so their spouse isn't saddled with thousands of dollars of medical debt. The whole system is f**ked up.
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"Disappointed you took marriage so lightly". OP literally did everything someone would do for a spouse. That they had no sex is no one's business. Many marriages have no sex. If my family or my husband's family started calling me or him (we were both married before) "second" we would have cut contact way before this. They actually gave us 7 years before we divorced. We've been together 32+ years. What they don't know is that we actually started as a marriage of convenience, then we fell in love.
I find it strange that so many people are saying that his first marriage went against the "sanctity" of marriage! At its root, marriage was very much a business transaction. It was not a romantic situation until very recently in history, and still is not always so in many cultures. The bottom line is that marriage is what you choose it to be for everyone. To think otherwise doesn't account for the facts.
Load More Replies... NTA. The only important part of the whole story is that your family's comments make both you and your fiancée horribly uncomfortable AND you've communicated your feelings to your family multiple times. Yet the comments continue. People who love you do NOT deliberately do and say things they KNOW will hurt you. You set boundaries and your family keeps violating them. Absolutely NTA.
The first marriage is LITERALLY the plot line to a Nicholas Sparks book. I wouldn't be surprised that a number of people in the US get married for health insurance.
They do. People also get divorced so their spouse isn't saddled with thousands of dollars of medical debt. The whole system is f**ked up.
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