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“Why Can’t You?”: Woman Learns What Weaponized Incompetence Is After A Fight With Husband
In marriage, couples vow to be there for each other until the end of their lives. This applies to the most difficult challenges and mundane matters like house chores.
This man, however, could not be bothered to heed his wife’s request to put up the groceries. His weaponized incompetence and foul-mouthed responses led to a huge fight that pushed the woman to storm out of their home and spend the night somewhere else.
The wife is now voicing her feelings to the AITAH subreddit community, hoping to find answers.
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Weaponized incompetence has been a source of tension in many relationships
Image credits: mstandret / Envato (not the actual photo)
This man engaged in such behavior when he vehemently refused a simple favor from his wife
Image credits: eakkachaih / Envato (not the actual photo)
Feeling disrespected, the woman vented her feelings online
Image credits: SleepPleaseCome
Weaponized incompetence may have deep-rooted causes
Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)
It’s easy to attribute weaponized incompetence to something shallow, like laziness. However, experts believe there are deep-rooted causes behind this behavior.
As psychotherapist Layne Baker tells Wondermind, gender stereotypes may be a contributing factor. It may explain why the man refused to deal with the groceries, as he may have felt it was his wife’s duty to handle them.
There’s also the issue of upbringing. According to Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Dominique Harrison, MPH, LMFT, LPCC, it may have been a prevalent habit while the person was growing up.
“They may have grown up without completing or claiming responsibility for specific tasks, chores, and actions and weren’t disciplined as a child,” she explained.
If weaponized incompetence is gender-rooted, there is a risk of it turning into an intergenerational behavior while also impeding relationship growth.
“You might end up reinforcing stereotypical gender roles to your children,” psychologist Dr. Mark Travers wrote in an article for Forbes.
Clearly defined household chores may help prevent weaponized incompetence
Image credits: rawpixel.com / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The lack of a clear division of household chores makes it easy for someone to pass off responsibilities while saying, “You do it because I can’t.” Clinical psychologist Dr. Ryan Howes says it’s about finding a middle ground and establishing what is fair for both parties.
Experts also advise calling out a spouse who feigns incompetence to avoid doing a task. However, a softer approach is necessary in such situations. Baker suggests statements like, “This doesn’t make me feel good.” This is a direct statement that does not come off as an attack.
Dr. Travers also advises against throwing blame or accusations, as it can possibly escalate the use of weaponized incompetence.
If all else fails, know when to walk away. As Harrison reminds, “You deserve to be in a relationship where your values are respected and you are not consistently disappointed or dismissed.”
In the story’s case, however, the couple could have handled their argument better. The man was clearly out of line by refusing to help his wife and cursing her while he was at it. For her part, the author was also at fault by fanning the flames and storming out.
She is already in therapy, but seeking counseling as a couple may help them address deeper issues that may be lingering and provide them a healthier way to deal with the typical problems married couples face.
According to the author, this was the first time her husband acted in such a hostile way
Some commenters feel there may be deeper-seated issues between the couple
However, many of them sided with the wife
Those who blamed her had a few choice words
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What do you think ?
Lyoness 9 months ago
TF? Why are they fighting about something as stupid as who puts groceries away? And then she runs away to a hotel over the argument and needs her therapist to tell her to talk about her feelings like a grownup. And his reaction is to swear at her? They both suck.
OrangeStripey Hat 9 months ago
They are fighting because even though he was the adult that was home, he still expected her to do the work even though he could have done it. And then when she pulled him up on it, his reaction was to swear at her and disrespect her. She's a grown up, if she wants to go to a hotel to think straight, more power to her. A therapist is there to help you with emotions/thoughts/feelings you need help processing, she is utilising this, again fair play to her. Weaponised incompetence is a real thing and down playing it is why so many people get away with it
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Child of the Stars 9 months ago
Idk, I need to hear OP's husband's side, I think. She says he's not done anything like this before. She also says that he did the dishes and doesn't say that he had to be told or asked. Those things combined suggest that he does his share of the chores without needing to be prodded. It sounds like she might be the one who doesn't carry her end and he's over it.
Kate 9 months ago
Exactly what I was thinking. He has to pick her up from the salon? She doesn't drive? Sounds pretty high maintenance to me.
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Lyoness 9 months ago
TF? Why are they fighting about something as stupid as who puts groceries away? And then she runs away to a hotel over the argument and needs her therapist to tell her to talk about her feelings like a grownup. And his reaction is to swear at her? They both suck.
OrangeStripey Hat 9 months ago
They are fighting because even though he was the adult that was home, he still expected her to do the work even though he could have done it. And then when she pulled him up on it, his reaction was to swear at her and disrespect her. She's a grown up, if she wants to go to a hotel to think straight, more power to her. A therapist is there to help you with emotions/thoughts/feelings you need help processing, she is utilising this, again fair play to her. Weaponised incompetence is a real thing and down playing it is why so many people get away with it
Load More Replies... Child of the Stars 9 months ago
Idk, I need to hear OP's husband's side, I think. She says he's not done anything like this before. She also says that he did the dishes and doesn't say that he had to be told or asked. Those things combined suggest that he does his share of the chores without needing to be prodded. It sounds like she might be the one who doesn't carry her end and he's over it.
Kate 9 months ago
Exactly what I was thinking. He has to pick her up from the salon? She doesn't drive? Sounds pretty high maintenance to me.
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