MIL Keeps Criticizing Daughter’s Performances Right To Her Face, Family Drama Ensues When Mom Tells Husband To Stop Inviting Her
Some grandmas can be brutally honest and go straight to the point without considering the heavy weight their words carry. Sadly, this behavior sometimes leads to them completely erasing the line that shouldn’t be crossed. A few days ago, Reddit user vertical-shift-1967 took her story to the AITA community to ask for guidance after an argument with her husband and mother-in-law.
The user and her partner have a 13-year-old daughter who plays the piano and sometimes participates in plays and recitals outside of school. The part that’s troubling the user is that her spouse always invites his mother to every single one of the girl’s performances. “Not saying he shouldn’t — BUT many times she’d put my daughter down and point out where she ‘messed up’ and what she needed to work on,” the user wrote.
So the woman decided it was time to put an end to her daughter feeling miserable and unsure of her own abilities. She told her husband the grandmother should stop attending their daughter’s plays unless she quits giving “constructive criticism” right to her face. However, imagine the user’s surprise when her husband sided with his mother. Continue scrolling to find out the whole story and be sure to share your thoughts about it in the comments.
Recently, this woman opened up about an argument that occurred after she had enough of her mother-in-law constantly criticizing her daughter
Image credits: bradjavernick (not the actual photo)
She turned to the AITA subreddit to ask whether or not she went too far
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
Later on, the user added some more context to the story
To learn more about how to better deal with such incidents and why so often family members tend to be our worst critics, we reached out to Judy Bartkowiak, a family therapist, coach, and author of Understanding Children and Teens: A Practical Guide for Parents, Teachers and Coaches. She told Bored Panda that we cannot control what others do, “especially not critical grannies!”
The therapist suggested it would be better to find another way to tackle the issue rather than exclude the grandmother. “Instead, try ‘Mother, we really appreciate you taking the time to attend our daughter’s performances and it’s really helpful for her to know what she did well as she’s already so self-critical. This would be so helpful, maybe for the next piece, listen for what you liked in particular’.”
This is what the therapist calls a “feedback sandwich”, and it also focuses on the behavior you prefer rather than concentrating on things you don’t want. “What we focus on, we notice more, and therefore we actually encourage it,” Bartkowiak explained.
As the woman wrote in her post, the girl takes her grandmother’s words to heart and is often left feeling upset. The therapist guessed such behavior could relate to the lady’s own childhood, or it could be nerves. “But more likely, it is what we call in NLP [Neuro-linguistic programming] a ‘mismatch pattern’ where we naturally notice what’s wrong.”
“You’ll find this in scientists particularly because that’s what makes them good surgeons, doctors, etc. because they pay attention to what’s wrong,” Bartkowiak added. “Instead of being critical back — think of a way to ease her into more of a matching pattern but do it gently as she may really not be aware of how it’s impacting your daughter.” She advised that people should be on the lookout for the positive intention and assume there is one.
When asked why the husband sided with his mother on this issue, the family therapist mentioned he’s “possibly used to this pattern and knows she means no harm and loves her granddaughter.”
Bartkowiak added that the grandmother seems attentive and wants to be helpful. “Her son needs to gently point out that whilst he appreciates she’s trying to show her love by being helpful, we all learn differently. Some learn by wanting to correct what they got wrong and others learn by doing more of what they got right,” she said and added that his mother probably fails to realize her granddaughter learns differently. “Once she realizes and focuses on what she’s done well, all will be well.”
Here’s what Redditors had to say about this situation
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To paraphrase Dear Prudence, this isn't an MIL problem, this is a husband problem.
It's the piano teacher's job to dole out criticism. It sounds as if the grandmother is trying to get the 13-year-old to stop playing the piano and the mama's boy is in cahoots. Musical education is not a waste. It builds self-discipline, appreciation for the arts (which helps ticket sales so that professional musicians can make a living), it's good for the brain, amateur musicians can collaborate with other musicians which builds social bonds, and some amateurs hold concerts to raise funds for charity.
In this world, piano skill can be a much more practical way to make extra money than a typical part time job. You can try to pull 20 hours a week at target in addition to your day job, or you can offer a service from home through Fiverr that very few people are able to. Most kids aren't building real world job skills anyway.
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NTA. Here's a tip. Every time your husband does something you criticize it with a smile. He will eventually explode, you sweetly say it's constructive criticism. Keep it up but don't explain. See how he likes that! I expect he'll run to his mummy and tell her and while he's there you change the locks on all the doors, give you daughter a hug and all will be well. What an a*****e little man who loves his mummy more than his daughter. YUK
Both husband and MIL. She also needs to be on the receiving end of every little criticism OP can think of.
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To paraphrase Dear Prudence, this isn't an MIL problem, this is a husband problem.
It's the piano teacher's job to dole out criticism. It sounds as if the grandmother is trying to get the 13-year-old to stop playing the piano and the mama's boy is in cahoots. Musical education is not a waste. It builds self-discipline, appreciation for the arts (which helps ticket sales so that professional musicians can make a living), it's good for the brain, amateur musicians can collaborate with other musicians which builds social bonds, and some amateurs hold concerts to raise funds for charity.
In this world, piano skill can be a much more practical way to make extra money than a typical part time job. You can try to pull 20 hours a week at target in addition to your day job, or you can offer a service from home through Fiverr that very few people are able to. Most kids aren't building real world job skills anyway.
Load More Replies... NTA. Here's a tip. Every time your husband does something you criticize it with a smile. He will eventually explode, you sweetly say it's constructive criticism. Keep it up but don't explain. See how he likes that! I expect he'll run to his mummy and tell her and while he's there you change the locks on all the doors, give you daughter a hug and all will be well. What an a*****e little man who loves his mummy more than his daughter. YUK
Both husband and MIL. She also needs to be on the receiving end of every little criticism OP can think of.
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