Overwhelmed Mom Takes A Very Short Break From Parenting, Husband Ends Up Ruining It For Her, This Leads To A Discussion About “Hurtful Helping”
Parenthood, and in particular motherhood, is a great joy, and many women say that holding a newborn child in their arms is such happiness that only a few things in the world can compare with. On the other hand, it is also a great responsibility and no less great fatigue – after all, you cannot explain to a small child that a mother should also at least just rest.
In today’s world, the concept is increasingly spreading that both parents should equally devote time and energy to caring for a child. At least it looks completely fair. But in the so-called “default parenting”, which is still the most common, alas, most of the burden falls on moms. And even if the father tries to help, sometimes he only does harm.
Like for Rebecca Craig, for example, whose video recently went viral with over 2.3M views and almost 400K likes on TikTok. No, Rebecca wasn’t complaining – she was just describing what she usually calls “hurtful helping” looks like.
More info: TikTok
The Original Poster felt overwhelmed with caring for her 10-month-old baby and just wanted to take a small break
Image credits: rebeccacraig47
So, the son of Rebecca and her husband is ten months old and, of course, requires constant care, like all babies. As a result, the mother has been feeling overwhelmed for a long time and one day she decided to put the baby in his crib to give herself at least ten minutes of rest and a snack.
Image credits: rebeccacraig47
The OP’s husband offered his help but it really led to nothing good at all
Of course, the child immediately demanded parental attention, the only way available to him at this age – crying loudly. Rebecca’s husband, who had stayed at home to help care for the baby, immediately came over and said that the boy was crying (as if she hadn’t heard it herself).
Image credits: rebeccacraig47
The mom honestly admitted that she feels completely exhausted and wants to give herself at least ten minutes to eat. The man offered his help, to which the wife, of course, gratefully accepted. However, less than two minutes had passed before her husband returned to Rebecca and… handed her a crying baby, explaining that he could not calm him down, and simply did not know how to do it.
@rebeccacraig47 #momtok #overwhelmed #hurtfulhelping ♬ original sound – Rebecca Craig
The mom said this is exactly the thing she likes to call “hurtful helping”
In general, as Rebecca herself says, this is a classic example of what she likes to call “hurtful helping” when it would seem they want to help you out of good intentions, but because of their own incompetence, they make it even worse than it was before – after all, the mom was already psychologically tuned in to such a rare opportunity for herself to take a small break.
Image credits: lamujermorena
The OP’s video sparked a massive discussion and several interesting video responses
Rebecca’s video went viral and sparked a wave of discussions on TikTok. Resonant was, for example, this video response from a nurse named Deborah, who called what happened to Rebecca and her husband “default parenting syndrome”, arguing that this was not even “weaponized incompetence”.
Image credits: lamujermorena
So, according to Deborah, most of all it looks like a situation where they allegedly extend a helping hand to you, and when you extend your hand in response, it is painfully pricked with a needle. The woman is sure that now a whole “that’s why you’re not married” brigade will come to her in the comments, but she decided to express her point of view anyway, because many women are incredibly tired of motherhood, simply because their husbands do not help them. Or they pretend to help but in fact, they only harm.
Image credits: lamujermorena
Experts state that such situations really need a compassionate conversation between the partners
In such cases, of course, partners need to talk about it more and more. Laurel Sims-Stewart, a therapist and Community Outreach Director at Bridge Counseling and Wellness, usually encourages her mom clients with partners to have a compassionate conversation asking for support in clear ways. “Find specific things that you can ask them to take on,” says Laurel in an interview for Mother United. “Your partner doesn’t always know what you want, so naming your need and asking for support with several tasks can help them as much as it will help you.”
Most people in the comments supported the OP and some of them also shared their own similar stories
We must say that people in the comments massively supported Rebecca – however, it is worth recognizing that they were mostly women. For example, one commenter said that her father still boasts that he never changed a diaper for her or her brother. And some commenters claim that such situations are an extra reason why they do not want children.
And for some reason, some of the commenters also criticized Rebecca for simply leaving a crying baby in his crib. To this, other people reasonably objected that those who criticize the mom for this, while she herself feels exhausted, are also part of the problem.
In general, parenting issues are always very complex and require a lot of attention, so we always welcome your comments on this story. And if you are interested in the topic of kids and parenting, you can also read our post about toddler tantrums, or a selection of moments when moms and dads were amazed by curse words from their little kids.
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Putting your child down (safely) and walking away when you're overwhelmed is how you avoid hurting an utterly helpless vulnerable child. It's advice that should be given to all parents. It's the absolute correct thing to do.
Ab-so-lute-ly! And for the parent who tried to hand the kid off, my response was "oh! You got this. I'll just leave you to it." And then pick up my lunch and walk to the next room. PS, my mom and my pediatrician both said that sometimes, you just let the kid cry it out. Learning to self-soothe at an early age is never a bad thing.
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She did EXACTLY the right thing. Putting baby down somewhere SAFE and walking away for a few minutes is EXACTLY what needs to be done. The baby can cry for five minutes alone. It will be OK.
My dad is seriously old skool, he's 82 this year. He was considered slightly odd in 1969 because he was present at my birth, and some of his attitudes are a little... unrefined. But he changed nappies for all 4 of his kids, fed us, took charge when mum was incapacitated with migraine. My sister and I have agreed never to mention his attempts at hair braiding but the point is he tried.
That gave me such a flashback... When I was about 7 my mom had an operation that was supposed to be routine but turned life threatening and she was in a coma for a couple of days. Dad was in charge for the three of us with very little experience (he was not unwilling, he worked 24/7 so he rarely had a chance to do fed us, give us a bath etc.). He surely was also very worried and afraid but held it together for us. He was doing quite good, but then it came to dress me and comb me for school. His sausage fingers were not for braiding little girl hair... I was mortified by how I looked but didn't want to make him sad so I pretended to like it and went to school, to be mocked all day.
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"Why is the baby crying?" For f**k sake, go find out, aren't you his father?
That made me literally LOL. "Newsflash, Darling: it's what they do."
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Stories like this make me proud of my mom and dad for their communication. Mom exhausted after childbirth? Dad took care of me. Dad taking a nap? Mom watched me for a bit. And that's the way it should be. Raising a child takes a team, whether it's a spouse, multiple spouses, or close friends and family.
YES. It is astounding how few married couples realize that it's not supposed to be one person v the other all the time. You're not in competition. You're *supposed* to be a team, you work together to figure s**t out.
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The core of the problem is still Weaponized Incompetence, but "Harmful Helping" is a great description of how men stupidly fail to see that the most important aspect of helping is to NOT BOTHER THE PERSON YOU'RE HELPING while you do the task, or they might as well do that task themselves. And while it's bad enough having to give detailed instructions for simple tasks to a grown adult in the first place, when he has to ask for the same instructions every f*****g time he does the task, let's call that Malicious Amnesia. *** And to be clear, "helping" in this context is really just pulling your own weight in the relationship. It's time to end the soul-sucking tradition of the woman being the default caretaker.
THIS. When I read the quote below 👇🏻 in the article, I about yelled at the phone, "It IS Weaponized Incompetence! The ADULT MAN is either capable of figuring it out himself, or is capable of hiring a nanny or housekeeper." "Find specific things that you can ask them to take on,” says Laurel in an interview for Mother United. “Your partner doesn’t always know what you want, so naming your need and asking for support with several tasks can help them as much as it will help you.” Women deserve to NOT have to do all of the thinking in a relationship when it comes to caring for the home and family. Men need to carry the Mental Load EQUALLY with his partner. One's spouse is their PARTNER, NOT THEIR PARENT OR CHILD. Read books, men, figure it out. USE YOUR BRAIN.
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My husband does the same thing (albeit he is autistic so it may be a little different in his brain but still annoys me) I will sit the baby down for a bit and he gets fussy like every baby and my husband will immediately ask why is he crying what's wrong with him...EVERY SINGLE TIME HE CRIES
Next time the baby cries, beat your husband to the punch and ask HIM why the baby is crying.
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“Find specific things that you can ask them to take on,” says Laurel in an interview for Mother United. “Your partner doesn’t always know what you want, so naming your need and asking for support with several tasks can help them as much as it will help you.” I think the therapist is missing the point here. They are both in it together as new parents and it´s not on the mom to educate her husband on top of it all. (The problem was not at all about her not making her wish - eat in peace for a couple of minutes - clear)Really the father should be able and ready to take on 100% of the work load if necessary (as in: maybe even getting informed about what to do if the mother should not be available for breastfeeding for being in the hospital or so). It´s not like women magically know how to change diapers from the get go.
That bugged me too. She's overwhelmed and is taking a few minutes to grab some food and reset, and she's now supposed to do that while managing her husband? She already told him what she needed. She said, "I need a break" - if that's not 'naming her need' then I don't know what is. And he may not know exactly what to do with the baby (most new parents don't), but he's a grown-up who should at least have the sense to know that "I need a break" definitely does not mean "please bring me the crying baby" FFS!
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Tell your husband to take care of the baby for 30 min, sounds fair, call it a lunch break. Working from home has a lot if flexibility as you saw since he came down to ask why the baby was crying. You can’t do it all without some kind of break or structure, it’s not fair. You will just burn yourself out. And if you expect a man to know without you telling him well you are expecting too much..
Ah, I remember back to the time when I was merely a milk machine, only ate things I could eat with one hand, slept when I could. My ex came home from work and had the nerve to complain there were no clean forks. I snapped and yelled "You want a fork? Start lactating and feed the baby and I'll clean you a f*cking fork!: Silence, then the water in the sink running as he did some dishes. Totally made up for it the day I pulled my boob out to feed the kid and nailed him with breast milk 20 feet across the room.
Your last sentence made me laugh out loud! You go, girl! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
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It doesn’t hurt a child to cry for 10 minutes. If you know you have taken care of their needs - they have been fed, changed, etc., and they’re just crying to be held, you are ok to eat your lunch in peace! And tell your stupid husband this! You have to train the baby to be able to be on their own in a safe place for a little while. If the husband picks up the baby and tries to hand it off to you, tell him to put it back in bed!
Someone just wrote motherhood is not for everyone…clearly, either is fatherhood.
This story went super sexist. Bored Panda crowd sure knows how to bring out the best in all of us. I’m a stay at home dad. I’ve been hurt fully helped before. Unless you are home every day alone, you will never understand how hard it can be. And often, out of a desire to help, people will end up making things harder because they don’t get it. This doesn’t make them bad people, certainly not for their sex. FFS.
I'm inclined to agree with you on this. The original TikTok really wasn't something that directly attacked fathers and very much just pointed out the issue of "hurtful helping". It's very easy for there to be a disconnect between the working partner and the homemaking partner. When I first married, I was a SAHM. My spouse would always come home and ask "what did you do all day?" and it just grated wrong. It felt accusatory, like I got up with you, helped you get ready for work, made your food, and the clean house you left was still clean when you got home. It wasn't until a major event had him as the SAHD that he truly got perspective. That helped open up the conversation about the roles of working versus stay at home. He also learned the importance of letting our 11month old just cry in his crib, while he took a moment to breath. So by the time our 3rd was born he was much more independent in helping. Sometimes all that's needed is experience and an honest conversation.
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Ugh this just unlocked a memory... my now-ex wife once "helped" me in a similar way... I did all the nighttime care, because (supposedly) crying didn't wake her (I also did all the daytime care too, because... well she always had one excuse or another). One night, I had gone to bed, trying to get some much-needed rest; Ex was still awake, watching netflix or something. Baby started crying and as I was waking up, ex handed me the baby! She laughed at the confused look on my face - she thought I was confused at how the baby had gotten there. She explained how helpful she was being, handing me the baby before I had even woken up. I was like, yeah, I get that you handed me the baby, but why didn't you just... give him whatever he needed? She said she didn't know what he needed, so she was helping in her own way, and I should appreciate that.
Why do men just assume that anyone with a vagina automatically knows secret ways to do magic things? We're born knowing how to make a fussy baby stop crying., we instinctively know if a diaper needs changing, and we can even tell when a baby is sleeping! Not magic, but common sense and thinking, and people who lack a vagina can learn to do magic also!
But sometimes they want mom. I watched some kids, when I had no kids, in church. One kid kept crying. Do you want this, that? Weeeeeeh. Nothing helped. Then her mom came and it was okay. She wanted mom lol.
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Tomorrow morning I am headed to my daughters house to help her with her 4 month old baby, my first grandchild. I was a stay at home Dad and very skilled at changing diapers, giving baths etc, but my daughter is extremely sensitive as a new mom so I keep my mouth shut and follow orders. The baby was crying one time and I said to my daughter that maybe she needs changing and my daughter bit my head off and said “she’s not crying because of that and I think I know my own baby!”. I wasn’t in any way criticizing her and I would have gladly changed the diaper myself but I’m walking in egg shells around her. My daughter would be the first to say I was a fantastic father but right now I feel like whatever I do it will be wrong. I’ll just keep trying and will do whatever I can to make them both happy because I love them both so much.
If this behaviour is not normal for your daughter, and she is 4 months post delivery, then she may be suffering from mild Post-Partum Depression. Try to gently find out how she is actually feeling. Read up on PPD. It's relatively common and has several ways of expressing itself.
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Ah, this immediately brought me back to when our son was an infant and new mom me was in desperate need of a break and a shower. Minutes later Baby needed changing and Hubby thought handing him off to me in the middle of my shower was a good solution. This misconception was corrected immediately (somewhat loudly) and never repeated.
I gave baby to my husband to take a shower, and two minutes in, he shows up in the bathroom with fuzzy baby "he wants you" and then they stood there just waiting for me to come out, and then my other child also walked in... So helpful
This all leads to another problem The stigma that Dad's aren't the "real" parent, having people say things like "Giving Mom a break?" No, it's like a a father spending time with his children My Dad works really hard all week and usually either had Friday, Saturday or, Sunday off (only 1, sometimes 2 but rarely) I can tell nowadays that one those days he's off, he's exhausted and wants to sleep Instead, he took the time to play with me and my brother or take us places to eat or just to Wal-Mart (which we thought was the coolest place ever) because he wanted to bond with us And also, our Mom has told us that he fed us and changed us just as much as she did when he was off work
"Hurtful Help"!!! And when you kindly decline the offer it gets passively aggressively thrown in your face for you to then feel less than adequate as a burnt out new mum 👍. Thank you for this article
I used to do this every single day and night with my son. When I went back to work, my husband was at home with baby. I couldn't work out why baby was so furiously upset at bedtimes. I discovered husband used to put him to bed 'like I'd suggested'. Instead of getting the baby up after 10 or 20 minutes of crying, he'd leave the baby there for an hour or so. Husband would put on noise canceling headphones and do housework or chill. The kid still doesn't settle at bedtimes. I get it OP, I get it!
My father refused to change my son's (his bio grandchild) diapers because he "already changed enough diapers in his life" between my brothers' and mine and of few of his older grandchildrens'. Instead he would carry my son to me to be changed with a diaper and wet ones if necessary, even if I was stuck in the middle of something important. Then he wonders why we never let him babysit or allow him to take my son anywhere alone. Edit: punctuation
Sorry. I admit to be irked at your dad for doing this. It's like we have to solve and take care of everything. Mom's need help.sometime. And NO women she have anything to say about the OP who wanted a little time for herself. We adopted a 1st and 2nd grader. I went from 0 kids to two overbite. A couple months after they moved in, I was going nuts. I told them"Mom needs some alone time so please.dont your thing and not disturb me." I got a mere 3 mins and 30 seconds of 'me time' and that was it! 15-20 mins would have been a dream but nope!
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This is what I say all the time. The illusion of help is worse then not having any at all. When you don't have anyone to rely on you just get on with it That's why I left my partner and father of my two kids. It's hard work raising two kids alone. But the anger and frustration I was feeling before was so bad for my mental health.
(long story short: I have four half brothers. Two were already grown and married and living on their own. They're from Dad's previous marriage to someone else. The other two are from mom's previous marriage to someone else and were born a few years before I was. Dad meets Mom at a place were they both working at. Get married. Have me. Dad was 58/59 and Mom was in her 30s at the time). Now that back story is given. There came a time when Dad finally retired and Mom was the working parent so Dad became a stay at home father. Despite his age, he took care of a baby and two growing boys. He also helped clean and cook occasionally and took us shopping when we needed things like clothes, on top of doing other things around the house and property and fixing things like plumbing and electrical. (He used to be a plumber, among many other jobs he had throughout his life.) When I see stories like this, it reminds me how lucky I was with my Dad. Rest in peace papa.
The sad part about all this is that many men show signs of being this type but because society puts so much value in the less emotional, completely macho " bad boy", ignore the signs. Or worse, the guys who would take pride in changing diapers and spending quality time with an infant, unattractive. Both genders have been brainwashed into believing this lie about what being a man should be so much so that the only thing left is to spend our lives miserable, pointing the finger at each other for our failed relationships.
When something like this is posted there are automatically the people that praise one male they knew or knew of that changed diapers they "took charge when mom was sic as a dog". BFD. In the same comment the mother is never praised for doing it day in and day out. 2 adults, only one praised for being so modern & good. Blah blah blah, the (very) small percentage of single father's are always portrayed as bloody saints, a real catch, such a good, good man. A single mother is considered/treated as the scourge of society. The men get meals made for them & dropped off by neighbor's being helpful, baked goods are sent over to give a treat to the dad & kids. Never a shortage of people volunteering to 'give day a break' & watch the kids for the day. None of that happens for single mothers, EVER. Plus, everyone was always worried that the single mom will try to stay other people's husband's (as if). Single moms don't really get invited to many cook outs or pool parties. the dad's do
Pediatricians literally tell you about self soothing which is what she did. Sometimes there’s nothing wrong they’re just fussy and they need to learn to calm themselves down. And guess what? Moms get overwhelmed sometimes and need a moment to themselves. I’m very fortunate that my husband will assist with childcare, but I do have moments where I feel like he’s putting it all on me when he could do it himself.
What is all this talk about the man “helping” the mom. That makes it sound like he’s offering to pitch in but the baby is primarily her responsibility. He’s the father. He is not “helping”. He is doing his fair share to take care of his own child. This woman doesn’t need help. She needs a co-parenting partner. Help is a paid position or a big favor.
I had 5 & can tell you that it's vital young mothers take time for themselves. Also, when you're fed up there's nothing wrong lettin a baby cry for a bit- none o mine ever died from fussing. I raised my children by m'self majority of the time- one o m boys is a little person to boot. I discovered life was much easier when I wasn't dealin w/ extraneous relationship c**p. IMO the OP ought consider that option.
I would have given him a list of things that could potentially be wrong and told him to figure it out.
Or let him watch Oprah. When I had a baby, there was a woman at Oprah Winfrey's show, who could understand and soothe all babies. Ah was hungry, eh was I want attention or something like that. Aah meant something else. My son was 2 weeks old, kept crying. We couldnt figure out what was the matter. Milk? No. Bowels? Some filthy tea- > yay! And then he cried again and we all walked around with him, soothing him. No use. Then my dad Googled. He said: He needs water. It was a heat wave. Poor thing was thirsty and all those ppl carrying him around, sweating made it even worse. We have no airco in Holland. He got water and he stopped crying.
Load More Replies... I saw my BIL do this to his wife with their under 1 year old. She has left him in the crib, and went downstairs to get something to eat since she was breastfeeding. She made a bowl of microwaved soup and my BIL brings the baby down as she is lifting the spon to eat. She had to take the baby back to bed, and wait until he settled. My BIL was working from home and would not even sleep in the same room with her and the baby.
Reminds me of when my ex would offer to take one of our kids when we were at a function, only to turn around and p**n our child off on someone who did NOT want to take them. Not only would I inevitably end up with my kid again, but I’d lose friends because everyone hated my husband so much.
Not sure why p.a.w.n. like the little guy in chess was censored but okay.
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I (31 male) had the opposite problem. The mother (24 female) was simply either not capable of parenting or simply didn't care enough. I worked a full time job and when I got home I had to clean up the days mess, cook dinner, do the dishes, and of course take care of our infant daughter. All the while listening to her do nothing but complain about her day. I never had time to unwind or relax. She left me and took our daughter hundreds of miles away to live with her mom because she felt that she was alone. But because she is the mom she was treated like she was the victim and had more rights to our daughter. Now I'm having to fight a uphill battle to get the rights to have my daughter back where I know she will be cared for and loved.
Why in God's name were you having sex with a 24 yo woman when you were 31? Disgusting.
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They talk. Neh = hungry. Owh = sleepy. Heh = discomfort. Eair = lower gas. Eh = I wanna burp. https://youtu.be/afMNp6Q4u7s
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Stories like this make me glad I always thought twice before having a child, including if I would have the strength raising it alone.
WTF was that guy thinking? My wife was the opposite. She'd constantly be grabbing the babies when they'd start crying. I'd keep telling her it's ok for them to cry sometimes, and we're allowed a break every now and then.
Someone needs to tell the husband " You donated the sperm to help create this child, so now you can help take care of this child", then sit down and finish eating, and if he still tries to hand the baby over, grab your car keys, and go somewhere, and let him handle things for awhile.
I am a mom of four going on 5, I am a freelance writer, digital artist, a college student taking a break from the online life, and a stay-at-home wife. I remembered my husband did that once, but I was lucky to get five minutes. Shockingly, I didn’t spazz. Instead, I placed the tiny baby next to me (baby number 3) and tossed on my headphones. Hell, screw yall, I am about to get my peace. I have to control my PTSD and stress. Sometimes my depression kicks in aggressively, and it’s hard to control it surrounding by all the noise. I love children, but once it is too loud, it gets to me, and I have to practice crowd control. Now approaching five kids, melatonin, Yo Gabba Gabba, and outside time are my best friends. Plus, I am teaching them how to help each other and a lot of family values.
I feel 4 this mother. I know what it's like 2 feel overwhelmed with being the only 1 caring 4 ur child. I think this woman's husband is a tool! He make wrk from home, but there isn't a law that says he can't help his wife out. He needs 2 learn how 2 b empathetic & show some compassion. I have no respect 4 any man who doesn't help out his wife, everyday, on a regular basis. I'm not sure if this would work, but u (the wife/mother) could always try playing some soothing children's music, when u need 2 lay the baby down 2 have a few minutes 4 urself.
Sounds like the relationship my daughter has with her partner. He didn't even manage to take care of their 1 year old daughter for 1 day without making a huge deal about it, leading to my daughter having to leave work early. Was her very first day back at work after maternity leave. Her 2nd day she had to stay home with the baby. Ridiculous. However, their 8 year old has caught a bad virus leading to breathing difficulties and he ended up in hospital and was admitted for 2 days and his dad spent the whole two nights in hospital with him. That impressed me. Maybe he just wanted to not work for 2 days but I'm hoping it was that he didn't want him to be alone as my daughter was home with their other two. Middle son age 6 started showing symptoms on Friday just as the dad and oldest got home and now my daughter woke up with a fever and symptoms herself today. She is hoping to be better by Monday for work because if she isn't she still has to drop the boys off at school and they finish at
Omg some of the people in these comments wtf is up with them? But yeah my mum didn't have much trouble looking after me when I was a baby because I have (much) older brothers and my dad was active in my life when he wasn't at work. Not all families are like that. Letting a kid cry for a few minutes won't do them any harm. Being stressed-out, burnt-out and tired could lead to much more harm. If he was gonna help, handing it to her was not a good move. Parenting should be equal. Raising a child takes a tribe. It isn't too hard to maintain a balance between work and family
My husbond was just the best he helped so much. I sometimes said I need some off time, and he would go out with our Child / children so I could take a bath, have a Nice lunch sitting watching some tv. It was so important for me to get some off time. If you cannot even get a few minutes to eat, maybe the husbond should have taken 10 min break from work to take care of the Child. I do not think that he meant bad coming down with the Child. He was not aware of his wifes need to just eat her meal for a few minutes. So lots of trouble is because we do forget that our partner can not read our thoughts, so communication and expectations should be discussed. 😊
They both are assholes. Communicate with each other, tell them you need help. It is not the child’s fault that you could not get yourself together and could not ask for help, or could not discuss parental roles before having the child. Yes, one time letting the child cry will not cause them issues, but I am afraid that when the internet is on her side, she will do that more and more. As a mom I had my own struggles, but I never let my child cry alone. Even if you don’t do anything just hold them why they are crying, they know they are not alone, but you can eat or think about something else. Or Yes, tell husband to help, she didn’t mention she asked for help.
When my second son was 6 weeks old, I had an accident where I bruised 4 ribs badly and sprained my right wrist. My mother was with us almost all the time (me, my 6 year old son and the baby). She helped me where she could, as I could hardly move and wasn't even able to change the baby's diaper. My (now ex) husband complained that the house was "a mess" (it wasn't) and that he "had to" eat at my mother's all the time. He really liked my mother's food, he was just upset that I was (quote) "sitting on my fat a*s all day"...
She did nothing wrong, baby is safe and won't die from crying for 10 minutes. I was very lucky that I had a husband who did everything I did for our kids other than breastfeed. If the diaper needed to be changed and I was busy or even if I wasn't, he would just change the baby. Whatever it was he did his part if not more at times.
This kind of thing and the (often very negative results) illustrate why strict 'roles' are not helpful in parenting... because... it pretty much ensures that there's absolutely NO backup. So... it's like this guy seems to be on the automatic assumption of "Wife takes care of everything baby. I just have to hand it to her. I do not need to know anything" - so... what... if she gets ill? If she's in an accident? Something else? Well, Derp... he's got no one to just 'hand it over' to now. Sure... each parental unit may be BETTER at certain things... but you BOTH have to be able to *do the basics* - come ON... this sounds similar to when that incompetent coworker gets brownie points for 'helping' you.... by shoving AAALLL your tasks onto Monday... then proudly announcing to the boss that it's because of THEM that your Friday is now 'clear'.
Maybe it's because I was 40 when I had my first but I had no problem telling my husband exactly what I needed him to do. My husband did this exact thing one time. I put my oldest daughter down so I could take a shower. All I had to say was, "She has a dry diaper, she's just been fed, and she's not hurt. Either put her back down or take care of her yourself." There's a learning curve having children and something I may think is common knowledge may not be to him. Talk with your spouse. We discuss the girls every day. We talk about our marriage on a regular basis. Talk to each other. Listen to each other. Learn about each other.
My pediatrician told my mom that if I was crying to check if I wasn’t wet, hungry or in some sort of actual distress, she should close my door and let me work it out for myself. I usually just went to sleep.
It's not just husbands. There was no husband to do anything for me. My mother took over. First, she threatened to throw me out on the street if I gave my son up for adoption, then, after he was born, all her promises of help apparently didn't include watching him so I could relax enough to be able to produce some breastmilk. It didn't include changing him when I was recovering from the c-section and finally fell asleep. He wouldn't even be awake, but if his diaper has leaked or he drooled on himself, she'd wake us both up by snapping "CHANGE YOUR CHILD!" She called me a whore all the time. I'm married now, and my husband would never do any of that. He treats my son as if he's his own. If I'm busy, or exhausted, he does what needs to be done.
I have 4 children; I nursed the 2 youngest. When the youngest was born, my husband took off a week while I rested and established a routine with the baby. 3 days in, he came into the bedroom and asked me to help him with the older 3, because he couldn't watch them while he was trying to fix dinner. Keep in mind, when he went back to work the following week, I would be home with 4 kids under 4, doing what he said he couldn't do , and more. I was home for 3 months, and he would come home and complain that one thing or another wasn't done. After I went back to work, I went in late to get them off to school and he went in early so he would get off when they got out of school. Even after they started school, he could get home, change his clothes, get a snack and turn on the TV to catch the news, but he couldn't sit them down to get started on their homework. Then , when I got home, I had to redirect their attention from play mode to work. That was fun. disclaimer: they're all grown, now.
Lol @ kids crying about becoming adults. Ffs. Get over it. I think I understand the message though "man dumb. Man hurt womxn. Bad!" Lol
Haha exactly! I feel bad for the guy who's wife airs out their dirty laundry on TikTok
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Tries to "give it to me"? Now those are some warm fuzzy feelings right there. A 10 month old baby usually sleeps a lot, why aren't you resting up when he is? It's not as if moms haven't done this job well for generations before you. My mom had an 8 year old, a 5 year old and a newborn to take care of while dad was in the USAF. She had one resource on raising kids, a book by Dr Benjamin Spock. It was a gift from a friend; mom used to joke that she never even opened it cuz she had kids to raise. She did a darn good job too.
Brand new dad here. Cisgendered heterosexual male, with a 10-day-old in the NICU. Our world needs to ditch this narrative that moms do everything, dads help. It is hurting EVERYONE! Dads hurt because they are excluded by default. Babies hurt because they end up with distant, passive dads who pull c**p like this. Moms hurt the most because they feel that everything is up to them. It's my expectation for myself that I know as much as my wife does about parenting my child. We will bring our own strengths and weaknesses, but I will learn everything I can, and actively seek out my fuzzy areas and learn more. The idea that some dads are content putting all of that expectation on their partner is mind boggling! Fortunately, I think that culture is on the way out the door anyway. Ladies, I bet there's a lot of traction to be gained by being clear and direct about involving the dads in your life. They might want to hide from the pressure, but a direct conversation should reveal the real man!
I'm about to get so much c**p for this but - even if you work from home, you're at work. Whatever hours your work hours are, those are hours you are "in the office." If it isn't something you would be able to do from a physical office, you should not feel obligated to do so when WTF. So many people are burning out trying to do everything at once. This isn't a gender issue, it's a whoever is working is the one working at that time issue. If the dad here was caring for the baby and the mom was working from home I would be saying the exact same thing. I am super touchy about this because my brother works from home several days a week and my SIL leaves him with my nephew to do whatever she wants all day (going out with friends, sleeping in, binge watching whatever it is she watches etc) and expects him to be both at work and babysitting at the same time. That's not how any of this works. Sorry for my rant but I felt it needed to be said and wasn't sure anyone else would say it
There's a big difference between asking your spouse to watch the kid for 5-10 minutes so you can avoid going crazy, and leaving the kid with them for hours on end. Unless he's got an important meeting, he can totally do that for his wife. I agree that what your SIL does is selfish and wrong. But the opposite is true too. Spouses need to support one another.
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I think this whole article is disgusting and twisted. Especially the lop side comments at the bottom. For one both of them dont deserve to be parents. Second you can tell by the information given this is likely middle easern couple so you have to understand cultural contexts. I am a single father. I had to kick out my daughters mother for real reasons not the childish BS listed above. I work a full time paying job and then come home to my other full time job of raising my daughter. I have no family or friends as a support system and I am doing just fine. Raising a child isnt a burden so if you are over whelmed then you should not be a parent.
Did you even watch the video? Where did you got she was middle eastern from, and where Tf does it say anything about kicking anyone out? How does she NOT deserve to be a parent, and how are you a "full time parent", if you work a full time job. Both you're reading and listening skills suck. By the way you're projecting, and making unnecessary scenarios up(weren't in the video), I'm worried about your daughters safety. None of the s**t you said makes sense. Either it's a diff story, or your critical thinking isn't present. Fyi "burden" and overwhelmed are different. Burden was NOT mentioned. Pay attention.
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The issue is that she didn't f*****g communicate with her husband. How was he supposed to know that she wanted a break? Instead of telling him that she wants a 5 minute break, she instead just puts the baby down, lets him cry, and roasts her own husband online for trying to fix it as best he can.
Yup, kids are hard work. Don't have em if you think it's going to ve all giggles and smiles and good times like media portrays.
The child has to learn to be detached from you. Child is crying because I guarantee that you're not hold him/her. Get a playpen, put in front of TV. Put on YouTube and look up, "children sensory", "hey bear", or "super simple songs" in no time the child will quite down and be distracted. These are educational and fun songs with bright colored ights, movements ect ..that will captivate them. I do this for my grandson who is 9mo and he not a big problem anymore. Daughter and my wife would constantly hold him. I work from home too so I guess I'm the baby sitter at times but he's not much of a problem anymore. Hope this helps. But I'm not saying to keep your child in the playpen for 24/7. Take him out every now and then and let the child crawl or walk around to get better exercise.
Referring to your child as 'it' and then posting a video on Tiktok about the whole ordeal...
This whole fad of making men out to be incompetent fools is getting old. You may not know this but misandry is equally as bad as misogyny.
It’s unfortunately not a fad. It is normal life for almost every women I know. It is not because the men aren’t capable. They are. But because of the culture we were raised in and still live in, women do most of the work in the home and relationship. It’s not just the men being lazy and selfish, women also expect they should be doing all this work , because that’s what they see and were taught. So, it’s not just teaching our men that it’s unfair - it’s also recognizing and understanding what is happening and stopping doing the lions share of the work and communicating and learning to work as a team going through everyday life ( doesn’t matter if you have kids or not)
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Thanks for massively over generalizing, and putting all cis hetro males in the same basket. It's just not possible that some of us are actually good parents capable of seeing their partner struggling and giving them a break... Slow clap for sexism... Well done...
I feel as though you're missing the point of the post.
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You: "I happily take my 7 month old son out for a walk to give his mum a break and to bond every day. This is on top of working 12 hours a day." Also You: "Sometimes women are so busy congratulating themselves on how brave and hard working they are." LOL your lack of self awareness is astounding! But I'm glad you "happily" parent your own child. You're a national treasure, sir!
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Can't he think for himself? A warning? My 86 y o dad worked also from home, put on head phones when I cried, while he had to work and he changed my diapers and had my sister potty trained when she was 1, because they had to wash the diapers and he hated that.
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Teach the father what to do with his child. Hmmm. Is he child too?
Load More Replies... Her taking care of his children allows him to have that job. Sounds like you're actually trying to defend yourself bc you don't help parent your own kids.
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He works from home and has a baby. What, does he expect the baby to never cry when daddy's working? It's a baby!!!
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That’s like- no! Parenting should be done by the mother AND the father! What do you mean men don’t have the capacity? And women are expected to have the capacity to take care of a child on their own? In this time people should be better than this…
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The thing is it needs to be said, because it's NOT just a private relationship issue, it's a societal issue. Many, if not most, mothers of young children with male partners can relate to this. Moms need support, dads need to do better, and everyone needs to stop assuming MOM is always the default parent.
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Good for you?? Not everybody is the same. And there could have been more going on. Also, that last line comes off as women all hate their babies. I hope you didn't mean that....
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Putting your child down (safely) and walking away when you're overwhelmed is how you avoid hurting an utterly helpless vulnerable child. It's advice that should be given to all parents. It's the absolute correct thing to do.
Ab-so-lute-ly! And for the parent who tried to hand the kid off, my response was "oh! You got this. I'll just leave you to it." And then pick up my lunch and walk to the next room. PS, my mom and my pediatrician both said that sometimes, you just let the kid cry it out. Learning to self-soothe at an early age is never a bad thing.
Load More Replies... She did EXACTLY the right thing. Putting baby down somewhere SAFE and walking away for a few minutes is EXACTLY what needs to be done. The baby can cry for five minutes alone. It will be OK.
My dad is seriously old skool, he's 82 this year. He was considered slightly odd in 1969 because he was present at my birth, and some of his attitudes are a little... unrefined. But he changed nappies for all 4 of his kids, fed us, took charge when mum was incapacitated with migraine. My sister and I have agreed never to mention his attempts at hair braiding but the point is he tried.
That gave me such a flashback... When I was about 7 my mom had an operation that was supposed to be routine but turned life threatening and she was in a coma for a couple of days. Dad was in charge for the three of us with very little experience (he was not unwilling, he worked 24/7 so he rarely had a chance to do fed us, give us a bath etc.). He surely was also very worried and afraid but held it together for us. He was doing quite good, but then it came to dress me and comb me for school. His sausage fingers were not for braiding little girl hair... I was mortified by how I looked but didn't want to make him sad so I pretended to like it and went to school, to be mocked all day.
Load More Replies... "Why is the baby crying?" For f**k sake, go find out, aren't you his father?
That made me literally LOL. "Newsflash, Darling: it's what they do."
Load More Replies... Stories like this make me proud of my mom and dad for their communication. Mom exhausted after childbirth? Dad took care of me. Dad taking a nap? Mom watched me for a bit. And that's the way it should be. Raising a child takes a team, whether it's a spouse, multiple spouses, or close friends and family.
YES. It is astounding how few married couples realize that it's not supposed to be one person v the other all the time. You're not in competition. You're *supposed* to be a team, you work together to figure s**t out.
Load More Replies... The core of the problem is still Weaponized Incompetence, but "Harmful Helping" is a great description of how men stupidly fail to see that the most important aspect of helping is to NOT BOTHER THE PERSON YOU'RE HELPING while you do the task, or they might as well do that task themselves. And while it's bad enough having to give detailed instructions for simple tasks to a grown adult in the first place, when he has to ask for the same instructions every f*****g time he does the task, let's call that Malicious Amnesia. *** And to be clear, "helping" in this context is really just pulling your own weight in the relationship. It's time to end the soul-sucking tradition of the woman being the default caretaker.
THIS. When I read the quote below 👇🏻 in the article, I about yelled at the phone, "It IS Weaponized Incompetence! The ADULT MAN is either capable of figuring it out himself, or is capable of hiring a nanny or housekeeper." "Find specific things that you can ask them to take on,” says Laurel in an interview for Mother United. “Your partner doesn’t always know what you want, so naming your need and asking for support with several tasks can help them as much as it will help you.” Women deserve to NOT have to do all of the thinking in a relationship when it comes to caring for the home and family. Men need to carry the Mental Load EQUALLY with his partner. One's spouse is their PARTNER, NOT THEIR PARENT OR CHILD. Read books, men, figure it out. USE YOUR BRAIN.
Load More Replies... My husband does the same thing (albeit he is autistic so it may be a little different in his brain but still annoys me) I will sit the baby down for a bit and he gets fussy like every baby and my husband will immediately ask why is he crying what's wrong with him...EVERY SINGLE TIME HE CRIES
Next time the baby cries, beat your husband to the punch and ask HIM why the baby is crying.
Load More Replies... “Find specific things that you can ask them to take on,” says Laurel in an interview for Mother United. “Your partner doesn’t always know what you want, so naming your need and asking for support with several tasks can help them as much as it will help you.” I think the therapist is missing the point here. They are both in it together as new parents and it´s not on the mom to educate her husband on top of it all. (The problem was not at all about her not making her wish - eat in peace for a couple of minutes - clear)Really the father should be able and ready to take on 100% of the work load if necessary (as in: maybe even getting informed about what to do if the mother should not be available for breastfeeding for being in the hospital or so). It´s not like women magically know how to change diapers from the get go.
That bugged me too. She's overwhelmed and is taking a few minutes to grab some food and reset, and she's now supposed to do that while managing her husband? She already told him what she needed. She said, "I need a break" - if that's not 'naming her need' then I don't know what is. And he may not know exactly what to do with the baby (most new parents don't), but he's a grown-up who should at least have the sense to know that "I need a break" definitely does not mean "please bring me the crying baby" FFS!
Load More Replies... Tell your husband to take care of the baby for 30 min, sounds fair, call it a lunch break. Working from home has a lot if flexibility as you saw since he came down to ask why the baby was crying. You can’t do it all without some kind of break or structure, it’s not fair. You will just burn yourself out. And if you expect a man to know without you telling him well you are expecting too much..
Ah, I remember back to the time when I was merely a milk machine, only ate things I could eat with one hand, slept when I could. My ex came home from work and had the nerve to complain there were no clean forks. I snapped and yelled "You want a fork? Start lactating and feed the baby and I'll clean you a f*cking fork!: Silence, then the water in the sink running as he did some dishes. Totally made up for it the day I pulled my boob out to feed the kid and nailed him with breast milk 20 feet across the room.
Your last sentence made me laugh out loud! You go, girl! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Load More Replies... It doesn’t hurt a child to cry for 10 minutes. If you know you have taken care of their needs - they have been fed, changed, etc., and they’re just crying to be held, you are ok to eat your lunch in peace! And tell your stupid husband this! You have to train the baby to be able to be on their own in a safe place for a little while. If the husband picks up the baby and tries to hand it off to you, tell him to put it back in bed!
Someone just wrote motherhood is not for everyone…clearly, either is fatherhood.
This story went super sexist. Bored Panda crowd sure knows how to bring out the best in all of us. I’m a stay at home dad. I’ve been hurt fully helped before. Unless you are home every day alone, you will never understand how hard it can be. And often, out of a desire to help, people will end up making things harder because they don’t get it. This doesn’t make them bad people, certainly not for their sex. FFS.
I'm inclined to agree with you on this. The original TikTok really wasn't something that directly attacked fathers and very much just pointed out the issue of "hurtful helping". It's very easy for there to be a disconnect between the working partner and the homemaking partner. When I first married, I was a SAHM. My spouse would always come home and ask "what did you do all day?" and it just grated wrong. It felt accusatory, like I got up with you, helped you get ready for work, made your food, and the clean house you left was still clean when you got home. It wasn't until a major event had him as the SAHD that he truly got perspective. That helped open up the conversation about the roles of working versus stay at home. He also learned the importance of letting our 11month old just cry in his crib, while he took a moment to breath. So by the time our 3rd was born he was much more independent in helping. Sometimes all that's needed is experience and an honest conversation.
Load More Replies... Ugh this just unlocked a memory... my now-ex wife once "helped" me in a similar way... I did all the nighttime care, because (supposedly) crying didn't wake her (I also did all the daytime care too, because... well she always had one excuse or another). One night, I had gone to bed, trying to get some much-needed rest; Ex was still awake, watching netflix or something. Baby started crying and as I was waking up, ex handed me the baby! She laughed at the confused look on my face - she thought I was confused at how the baby had gotten there. She explained how helpful she was being, handing me the baby before I had even woken up. I was like, yeah, I get that you handed me the baby, but why didn't you just... give him whatever he needed? She said she didn't know what he needed, so she was helping in her own way, and I should appreciate that.
Why do men just assume that anyone with a vagina automatically knows secret ways to do magic things? We're born knowing how to make a fussy baby stop crying., we instinctively know if a diaper needs changing, and we can even tell when a baby is sleeping! Not magic, but common sense and thinking, and people who lack a vagina can learn to do magic also!
But sometimes they want mom. I watched some kids, when I had no kids, in church. One kid kept crying. Do you want this, that? Weeeeeeh. Nothing helped. Then her mom came and it was okay. She wanted mom lol.
Load More Replies... Tomorrow morning I am headed to my daughters house to help her with her 4 month old baby, my first grandchild. I was a stay at home Dad and very skilled at changing diapers, giving baths etc, but my daughter is extremely sensitive as a new mom so I keep my mouth shut and follow orders. The baby was crying one time and I said to my daughter that maybe she needs changing and my daughter bit my head off and said “she’s not crying because of that and I think I know my own baby!”. I wasn’t in any way criticizing her and I would have gladly changed the diaper myself but I’m walking in egg shells around her. My daughter would be the first to say I was a fantastic father but right now I feel like whatever I do it will be wrong. I’ll just keep trying and will do whatever I can to make them both happy because I love them both so much.
If this behaviour is not normal for your daughter, and she is 4 months post delivery, then she may be suffering from mild Post-Partum Depression. Try to gently find out how she is actually feeling. Read up on PPD. It's relatively common and has several ways of expressing itself.
Load More Replies... Ah, this immediately brought me back to when our son was an infant and new mom me was in desperate need of a break and a shower. Minutes later Baby needed changing and Hubby thought handing him off to me in the middle of my shower was a good solution. This misconception was corrected immediately (somewhat loudly) and never repeated.
I gave baby to my husband to take a shower, and two minutes in, he shows up in the bathroom with fuzzy baby "he wants you" and then they stood there just waiting for me to come out, and then my other child also walked in... So helpful
This all leads to another problem The stigma that Dad's aren't the "real" parent, having people say things like "Giving Mom a break?" No, it's like a a father spending time with his children My Dad works really hard all week and usually either had Friday, Saturday or, Sunday off (only 1, sometimes 2 but rarely) I can tell nowadays that one those days he's off, he's exhausted and wants to sleep Instead, he took the time to play with me and my brother or take us places to eat or just to Wal-Mart (which we thought was the coolest place ever) because he wanted to bond with us And also, our Mom has told us that he fed us and changed us just as much as she did when he was off work
"Hurtful Help"!!! And when you kindly decline the offer it gets passively aggressively thrown in your face for you to then feel less than adequate as a burnt out new mum 👍. Thank you for this article
I used to do this every single day and night with my son. When I went back to work, my husband was at home with baby. I couldn't work out why baby was so furiously upset at bedtimes. I discovered husband used to put him to bed 'like I'd suggested'. Instead of getting the baby up after 10 or 20 minutes of crying, he'd leave the baby there for an hour or so. Husband would put on noise canceling headphones and do housework or chill. The kid still doesn't settle at bedtimes. I get it OP, I get it!
My father refused to change my son's (his bio grandchild) diapers because he "already changed enough diapers in his life" between my brothers' and mine and of few of his older grandchildrens'. Instead he would carry my son to me to be changed with a diaper and wet ones if necessary, even if I was stuck in the middle of something important. Then he wonders why we never let him babysit or allow him to take my son anywhere alone. Edit: punctuation
Sorry. I admit to be irked at your dad for doing this. It's like we have to solve and take care of everything. Mom's need help.sometime. And NO women she have anything to say about the OP who wanted a little time for herself. We adopted a 1st and 2nd grader. I went from 0 kids to two overbite. A couple months after they moved in, I was going nuts. I told them"Mom needs some alone time so please.dont your thing and not disturb me." I got a mere 3 mins and 30 seconds of 'me time' and that was it! 15-20 mins would have been a dream but nope!
Load More Replies... This is what I say all the time. The illusion of help is worse then not having any at all. When you don't have anyone to rely on you just get on with it That's why I left my partner and father of my two kids. It's hard work raising two kids alone. But the anger and frustration I was feeling before was so bad for my mental health.
(long story short: I have four half brothers. Two were already grown and married and living on their own. They're from Dad's previous marriage to someone else. The other two are from mom's previous marriage to someone else and were born a few years before I was. Dad meets Mom at a place were they both working at. Get married. Have me. Dad was 58/59 and Mom was in her 30s at the time). Now that back story is given. There came a time when Dad finally retired and Mom was the working parent so Dad became a stay at home father. Despite his age, he took care of a baby and two growing boys. He also helped clean and cook occasionally and took us shopping when we needed things like clothes, on top of doing other things around the house and property and fixing things like plumbing and electrical. (He used to be a plumber, among many other jobs he had throughout his life.) When I see stories like this, it reminds me how lucky I was with my Dad. Rest in peace papa.
The sad part about all this is that many men show signs of being this type but because society puts so much value in the less emotional, completely macho " bad boy", ignore the signs. Or worse, the guys who would take pride in changing diapers and spending quality time with an infant, unattractive. Both genders have been brainwashed into believing this lie about what being a man should be so much so that the only thing left is to spend our lives miserable, pointing the finger at each other for our failed relationships.
When something like this is posted there are automatically the people that praise one male they knew or knew of that changed diapers they "took charge when mom was sic as a dog". BFD. In the same comment the mother is never praised for doing it day in and day out. 2 adults, only one praised for being so modern & good. Blah blah blah, the (very) small percentage of single father's are always portrayed as bloody saints, a real catch, such a good, good man. A single mother is considered/treated as the scourge of society. The men get meals made for them & dropped off by neighbor's being helpful, baked goods are sent over to give a treat to the dad & kids. Never a shortage of people volunteering to 'give day a break' & watch the kids for the day. None of that happens for single mothers, EVER. Plus, everyone was always worried that the single mom will try to stay other people's husband's (as if). Single moms don't really get invited to many cook outs or pool parties. the dad's do
Pediatricians literally tell you about self soothing which is what she did. Sometimes there’s nothing wrong they’re just fussy and they need to learn to calm themselves down. And guess what? Moms get overwhelmed sometimes and need a moment to themselves. I’m very fortunate that my husband will assist with childcare, but I do have moments where I feel like he’s putting it all on me when he could do it himself.
What is all this talk about the man “helping” the mom. That makes it sound like he’s offering to pitch in but the baby is primarily her responsibility. He’s the father. He is not “helping”. He is doing his fair share to take care of his own child. This woman doesn’t need help. She needs a co-parenting partner. Help is a paid position or a big favor.
I had 5 & can tell you that it's vital young mothers take time for themselves. Also, when you're fed up there's nothing wrong lettin a baby cry for a bit- none o mine ever died from fussing. I raised my children by m'self majority of the time- one o m boys is a little person to boot. I discovered life was much easier when I wasn't dealin w/ extraneous relationship c**p. IMO the OP ought consider that option.
I would have given him a list of things that could potentially be wrong and told him to figure it out.
Or let him watch Oprah. When I had a baby, there was a woman at Oprah Winfrey's show, who could understand and soothe all babies. Ah was hungry, eh was I want attention or something like that. Aah meant something else. My son was 2 weeks old, kept crying. We couldnt figure out what was the matter. Milk? No. Bowels? Some filthy tea- > yay! And then he cried again and we all walked around with him, soothing him. No use. Then my dad Googled. He said: He needs water. It was a heat wave. Poor thing was thirsty and all those ppl carrying him around, sweating made it even worse. We have no airco in Holland. He got water and he stopped crying.
Load More Replies... I saw my BIL do this to his wife with their under 1 year old. She has left him in the crib, and went downstairs to get something to eat since she was breastfeeding. She made a bowl of microwaved soup and my BIL brings the baby down as she is lifting the spon to eat. She had to take the baby back to bed, and wait until he settled. My BIL was working from home and would not even sleep in the same room with her and the baby.
Reminds me of when my ex would offer to take one of our kids when we were at a function, only to turn around and p**n our child off on someone who did NOT want to take them. Not only would I inevitably end up with my kid again, but I’d lose friends because everyone hated my husband so much.
Not sure why p.a.w.n. like the little guy in chess was censored but okay.
Load More Replies... I (31 male) had the opposite problem. The mother (24 female) was simply either not capable of parenting or simply didn't care enough. I worked a full time job and when I got home I had to clean up the days mess, cook dinner, do the dishes, and of course take care of our infant daughter. All the while listening to her do nothing but complain about her day. I never had time to unwind or relax. She left me and took our daughter hundreds of miles away to live with her mom because she felt that she was alone. But because she is the mom she was treated like she was the victim and had more rights to our daughter. Now I'm having to fight a uphill battle to get the rights to have my daughter back where I know she will be cared for and loved.
Why in God's name were you having sex with a 24 yo woman when you were 31? Disgusting.
Load More Replies... They talk. Neh = hungry. Owh = sleepy. Heh = discomfort. Eair = lower gas. Eh = I wanna burp. https://youtu.be/afMNp6Q4u7s
Load More Replies... Stories like this make me glad I always thought twice before having a child, including if I would have the strength raising it alone.
WTF was that guy thinking? My wife was the opposite. She'd constantly be grabbing the babies when they'd start crying. I'd keep telling her it's ok for them to cry sometimes, and we're allowed a break every now and then.
Someone needs to tell the husband " You donated the sperm to help create this child, so now you can help take care of this child", then sit down and finish eating, and if he still tries to hand the baby over, grab your car keys, and go somewhere, and let him handle things for awhile.
I am a mom of four going on 5, I am a freelance writer, digital artist, a college student taking a break from the online life, and a stay-at-home wife. I remembered my husband did that once, but I was lucky to get five minutes. Shockingly, I didn’t spazz. Instead, I placed the tiny baby next to me (baby number 3) and tossed on my headphones. Hell, screw yall, I am about to get my peace. I have to control my PTSD and stress. Sometimes my depression kicks in aggressively, and it’s hard to control it surrounding by all the noise. I love children, but once it is too loud, it gets to me, and I have to practice crowd control. Now approaching five kids, melatonin, Yo Gabba Gabba, and outside time are my best friends. Plus, I am teaching them how to help each other and a lot of family values.
I feel 4 this mother. I know what it's like 2 feel overwhelmed with being the only 1 caring 4 ur child. I think this woman's husband is a tool! He make wrk from home, but there isn't a law that says he can't help his wife out. He needs 2 learn how 2 b empathetic & show some compassion. I have no respect 4 any man who doesn't help out his wife, everyday, on a regular basis. I'm not sure if this would work, but u (the wife/mother) could always try playing some soothing children's music, when u need 2 lay the baby down 2 have a few minutes 4 urself.
Sounds like the relationship my daughter has with her partner. He didn't even manage to take care of their 1 year old daughter for 1 day without making a huge deal about it, leading to my daughter having to leave work early. Was her very first day back at work after maternity leave. Her 2nd day she had to stay home with the baby. Ridiculous. However, their 8 year old has caught a bad virus leading to breathing difficulties and he ended up in hospital and was admitted for 2 days and his dad spent the whole two nights in hospital with him. That impressed me. Maybe he just wanted to not work for 2 days but I'm hoping it was that he didn't want him to be alone as my daughter was home with their other two. Middle son age 6 started showing symptoms on Friday just as the dad and oldest got home and now my daughter woke up with a fever and symptoms herself today. She is hoping to be better by Monday for work because if she isn't she still has to drop the boys off at school and they finish at
Omg some of the people in these comments wtf is up with them? But yeah my mum didn't have much trouble looking after me when I was a baby because I have (much) older brothers and my dad was active in my life when he wasn't at work. Not all families are like that. Letting a kid cry for a few minutes won't do them any harm. Being stressed-out, burnt-out and tired could lead to much more harm. If he was gonna help, handing it to her was not a good move. Parenting should be equal. Raising a child takes a tribe. It isn't too hard to maintain a balance between work and family
My husbond was just the best he helped so much. I sometimes said I need some off time, and he would go out with our Child / children so I could take a bath, have a Nice lunch sitting watching some tv. It was so important for me to get some off time. If you cannot even get a few minutes to eat, maybe the husbond should have taken 10 min break from work to take care of the Child. I do not think that he meant bad coming down with the Child. He was not aware of his wifes need to just eat her meal for a few minutes. So lots of trouble is because we do forget that our partner can not read our thoughts, so communication and expectations should be discussed. 😊
They both are assholes. Communicate with each other, tell them you need help. It is not the child’s fault that you could not get yourself together and could not ask for help, or could not discuss parental roles before having the child. Yes, one time letting the child cry will not cause them issues, but I am afraid that when the internet is on her side, she will do that more and more. As a mom I had my own struggles, but I never let my child cry alone. Even if you don’t do anything just hold them why they are crying, they know they are not alone, but you can eat or think about something else. Or Yes, tell husband to help, she didn’t mention she asked for help.
When my second son was 6 weeks old, I had an accident where I bruised 4 ribs badly and sprained my right wrist. My mother was with us almost all the time (me, my 6 year old son and the baby). She helped me where she could, as I could hardly move and wasn't even able to change the baby's diaper. My (now ex) husband complained that the house was "a mess" (it wasn't) and that he "had to" eat at my mother's all the time. He really liked my mother's food, he was just upset that I was (quote) "sitting on my fat a*s all day"...
She did nothing wrong, baby is safe and won't die from crying for 10 minutes. I was very lucky that I had a husband who did everything I did for our kids other than breastfeed. If the diaper needed to be changed and I was busy or even if I wasn't, he would just change the baby. Whatever it was he did his part if not more at times.
This kind of thing and the (often very negative results) illustrate why strict 'roles' are not helpful in parenting... because... it pretty much ensures that there's absolutely NO backup. So... it's like this guy seems to be on the automatic assumption of "Wife takes care of everything baby. I just have to hand it to her. I do not need to know anything" - so... what... if she gets ill? If she's in an accident? Something else? Well, Derp... he's got no one to just 'hand it over' to now. Sure... each parental unit may be BETTER at certain things... but you BOTH have to be able to *do the basics* - come ON... this sounds similar to when that incompetent coworker gets brownie points for 'helping' you.... by shoving AAALLL your tasks onto Monday... then proudly announcing to the boss that it's because of THEM that your Friday is now 'clear'.
Maybe it's because I was 40 when I had my first but I had no problem telling my husband exactly what I needed him to do. My husband did this exact thing one time. I put my oldest daughter down so I could take a shower. All I had to say was, "She has a dry diaper, she's just been fed, and she's not hurt. Either put her back down or take care of her yourself." There's a learning curve having children and something I may think is common knowledge may not be to him. Talk with your spouse. We discuss the girls every day. We talk about our marriage on a regular basis. Talk to each other. Listen to each other. Learn about each other.
My pediatrician told my mom that if I was crying to check if I wasn’t wet, hungry or in some sort of actual distress, she should close my door and let me work it out for myself. I usually just went to sleep.
It's not just husbands. There was no husband to do anything for me. My mother took over. First, she threatened to throw me out on the street if I gave my son up for adoption, then, after he was born, all her promises of help apparently didn't include watching him so I could relax enough to be able to produce some breastmilk. It didn't include changing him when I was recovering from the c-section and finally fell asleep. He wouldn't even be awake, but if his diaper has leaked or he drooled on himself, she'd wake us both up by snapping "CHANGE YOUR CHILD!" She called me a whore all the time. I'm married now, and my husband would never do any of that. He treats my son as if he's his own. If I'm busy, or exhausted, he does what needs to be done.
I have 4 children; I nursed the 2 youngest. When the youngest was born, my husband took off a week while I rested and established a routine with the baby. 3 days in, he came into the bedroom and asked me to help him with the older 3, because he couldn't watch them while he was trying to fix dinner. Keep in mind, when he went back to work the following week, I would be home with 4 kids under 4, doing what he said he couldn't do , and more. I was home for 3 months, and he would come home and complain that one thing or another wasn't done. After I went back to work, I went in late to get them off to school and he went in early so he would get off when they got out of school. Even after they started school, he could get home, change his clothes, get a snack and turn on the TV to catch the news, but he couldn't sit them down to get started on their homework. Then , when I got home, I had to redirect their attention from play mode to work. That was fun. disclaimer: they're all grown, now.
Lol @ kids crying about becoming adults. Ffs. Get over it. I think I understand the message though "man dumb. Man hurt womxn. Bad!" Lol
Haha exactly! I feel bad for the guy who's wife airs out their dirty laundry on TikTok
Load More Replies... Tries to "give it to me"? Now those are some warm fuzzy feelings right there. A 10 month old baby usually sleeps a lot, why aren't you resting up when he is? It's not as if moms haven't done this job well for generations before you. My mom had an 8 year old, a 5 year old and a newborn to take care of while dad was in the USAF. She had one resource on raising kids, a book by Dr Benjamin Spock. It was a gift from a friend; mom used to joke that she never even opened it cuz she had kids to raise. She did a darn good job too.
Brand new dad here. Cisgendered heterosexual male, with a 10-day-old in the NICU. Our world needs to ditch this narrative that moms do everything, dads help. It is hurting EVERYONE! Dads hurt because they are excluded by default. Babies hurt because they end up with distant, passive dads who pull c**p like this. Moms hurt the most because they feel that everything is up to them. It's my expectation for myself that I know as much as my wife does about parenting my child. We will bring our own strengths and weaknesses, but I will learn everything I can, and actively seek out my fuzzy areas and learn more. The idea that some dads are content putting all of that expectation on their partner is mind boggling! Fortunately, I think that culture is on the way out the door anyway. Ladies, I bet there's a lot of traction to be gained by being clear and direct about involving the dads in your life. They might want to hide from the pressure, but a direct conversation should reveal the real man!
I'm about to get so much c**p for this but - even if you work from home, you're at work. Whatever hours your work hours are, those are hours you are "in the office." If it isn't something you would be able to do from a physical office, you should not feel obligated to do so when WTF. So many people are burning out trying to do everything at once. This isn't a gender issue, it's a whoever is working is the one working at that time issue. If the dad here was caring for the baby and the mom was working from home I would be saying the exact same thing. I am super touchy about this because my brother works from home several days a week and my SIL leaves him with my nephew to do whatever she wants all day (going out with friends, sleeping in, binge watching whatever it is she watches etc) and expects him to be both at work and babysitting at the same time. That's not how any of this works. Sorry for my rant but I felt it needed to be said and wasn't sure anyone else would say it
There's a big difference between asking your spouse to watch the kid for 5-10 minutes so you can avoid going crazy, and leaving the kid with them for hours on end. Unless he's got an important meeting, he can totally do that for his wife. I agree that what your SIL does is selfish and wrong. But the opposite is true too. Spouses need to support one another.
Load More Replies... I think this whole article is disgusting and twisted. Especially the lop side comments at the bottom. For one both of them dont deserve to be parents. Second you can tell by the information given this is likely middle easern couple so you have to understand cultural contexts. I am a single father. I had to kick out my daughters mother for real reasons not the childish BS listed above. I work a full time paying job and then come home to my other full time job of raising my daughter. I have no family or friends as a support system and I am doing just fine. Raising a child isnt a burden so if you are over whelmed then you should not be a parent.
Did you even watch the video? Where did you got she was middle eastern from, and where Tf does it say anything about kicking anyone out? How does she NOT deserve to be a parent, and how are you a "full time parent", if you work a full time job. Both you're reading and listening skills suck. By the way you're projecting, and making unnecessary scenarios up(weren't in the video), I'm worried about your daughters safety. None of the s**t you said makes sense. Either it's a diff story, or your critical thinking isn't present. Fyi "burden" and overwhelmed are different. Burden was NOT mentioned. Pay attention.
Load More Replies... The issue is that she didn't f*****g communicate with her husband. How was he supposed to know that she wanted a break? Instead of telling him that she wants a 5 minute break, she instead just puts the baby down, lets him cry, and roasts her own husband online for trying to fix it as best he can.
Yup, kids are hard work. Don't have em if you think it's going to ve all giggles and smiles and good times like media portrays.
The child has to learn to be detached from you. Child is crying because I guarantee that you're not hold him/her. Get a playpen, put in front of TV. Put on YouTube and look up, "children sensory", "hey bear", or "super simple songs" in no time the child will quite down and be distracted. These are educational and fun songs with bright colored ights, movements ect ..that will captivate them. I do this for my grandson who is 9mo and he not a big problem anymore. Daughter and my wife would constantly hold him. I work from home too so I guess I'm the baby sitter at times but he's not much of a problem anymore. Hope this helps. But I'm not saying to keep your child in the playpen for 24/7. Take him out every now and then and let the child crawl or walk around to get better exercise.
Referring to your child as 'it' and then posting a video on Tiktok about the whole ordeal...
This whole fad of making men out to be incompetent fools is getting old. You may not know this but misandry is equally as bad as misogyny.
It’s unfortunately not a fad. It is normal life for almost every women I know. It is not because the men aren’t capable. They are. But because of the culture we were raised in and still live in, women do most of the work in the home and relationship. It’s not just the men being lazy and selfish, women also expect they should be doing all this work , because that’s what they see and were taught. So, it’s not just teaching our men that it’s unfair - it’s also recognizing and understanding what is happening and stopping doing the lions share of the work and communicating and learning to work as a team going through everyday life ( doesn’t matter if you have kids or not)
Load More Replies... Thanks for massively over generalizing, and putting all cis hetro males in the same basket. It's just not possible that some of us are actually good parents capable of seeing their partner struggling and giving them a break... Slow clap for sexism... Well done...
I feel as though you're missing the point of the post.
Load More Replies... You: "I happily take my 7 month old son out for a walk to give his mum a break and to bond every day. This is on top of working 12 hours a day." Also You: "Sometimes women are so busy congratulating themselves on how brave and hard working they are." LOL your lack of self awareness is astounding! But I'm glad you "happily" parent your own child. You're a national treasure, sir!
Load More Replies... Can't he think for himself? A warning? My 86 y o dad worked also from home, put on head phones when I cried, while he had to work and he changed my diapers and had my sister potty trained when she was 1, because they had to wash the diapers and he hated that.
Load More Replies... Teach the father what to do with his child. Hmmm. Is he child too?
Load More Replies... Her taking care of his children allows him to have that job. Sounds like you're actually trying to defend yourself bc you don't help parent your own kids.
Load More Replies... He works from home and has a baby. What, does he expect the baby to never cry when daddy's working? It's a baby!!!
Load More Replies... That’s like- no! Parenting should be done by the mother AND the father! What do you mean men don’t have the capacity? And women are expected to have the capacity to take care of a child on their own? In this time people should be better than this…
Load More Replies... The thing is it needs to be said, because it's NOT just a private relationship issue, it's a societal issue. Many, if not most, mothers of young children with male partners can relate to this. Moms need support, dads need to do better, and everyone needs to stop assuming MOM is always the default parent.
Load More Replies... Good for you?? Not everybody is the same. And there could have been more going on. Also, that last line comes off as women all hate their babies. I hope you didn't mean that....
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