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Hey Pandas, Have Your Ever Forgiven Your Partner For Cheating, And Was It The Right Call? (Closed)
There are zillions of stories about cheating, but lots of cheating stories end in second (or third, or fourth) chances. Have you ever given someone another chance after catching them cheating? How did it work out?
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#1
This is extremely complicated. It is the right thing to do. Forgive, and work on the relationship for the rest of your life, or until you absolutely know it needs to end. Whichever happens first. You have to know you tried everything possible to fix it so you don't look back and wonder. I forgave, worked for two years, learned very clearly that it wasn't salvageable, and ultimately experienced a huge relief when I told her I would no longer stay married to her. I didn't waste two years. I spent two years learning. It was the best education life can offer.
Final score:
27points
Caro Caro 2 years ago
You have to know you tried everything possible to fix it so you don't look back and wonder. BEST attitude you can possibly have.
Me Gravy 2 years ago
With the crazy way my mind/brain works - I'd go COMPLETELY mad wondering "what if..." had i not tried my best. I stayed for 10 years after - but it's never EVER the same and although we're still 'friendly' to this day (10 years later together 15) i don't believe it can ever last after someone 'cheats'. I never felt the same. Before I'd have loved him completely if he went bald, gained 400 lbs, was disabled, and started eating his own boogers. After... The love changed. Every little thing he did bothered me, and i was grossed out by things that never bothered me before. Subconsciously something 'switches'... Hard to explain. And very very sad.
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crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I think a lot of the time, cheating is the last straw in an unstable relationship. There's a point where you're only hurting yourself.
Caro Caro 2 years ago
There are cheaters who have a wonderful relationship. Cheating is just that! Cheating. And if a cheater blames the other half remember this: it takes 2 to tango.
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Blessed Bee-Bop 2 years ago
Sounds like my experience too, I know I tried everything, two plus years later it is time to GO.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
I was like this. She went overseas and came back and didn't have a period for a few months. Also developed an interest in going to gym at night. Couldn't figure out if it was the gym instructor or someone overseas. Saw a message to her best friend saying she was thinking of an abortion. I was broken. But I kept trying for a further three years. Didn't work, she was cold to me. Bye.
RELATED:
#2
I'm the partner that cheated and was forgiven for it. I'm so thankful. That was 9 years ago. Our 11th anniversary is coming up and we're doing great, so I think it worked out well, thankfully!
Final score:
22points
Emie N. 2 years ago (edited)
Why did you cheat in the first place? Did you actually regret it and love your partner?
Morgan️ 2 years ago (edited)
“Are you sure you won’t do it again?” I will try to say this as nice as possible but not everyone that cheats love’s cheating. They said how much they love their partner. Honestly I don’t think it’s your place to even ask that. Just my honest opinion.
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#3
My former husband. I forgave him the first time…. it morphed into constantly. He may have been a sex addict. He was a raging womanizer, developed or had a closeted drinking and cocaine problem that only emerged AFTER we were married. Was likely a narcissist- everyone loved him! He was very charming, our courtship was a whirlwind and he wooed me. I was utterly head over heels in love, he became Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Hyde. I wasted so much time trying to understand him, help him to get help and despairing. Moved to another area entirely, had to end friendships because he would somehow be ‘in the Neighbourhood.’ I was so traumatized afterwards that it took me years to heal. Was utterly destroyed, terrified of intimacy and men. When I met my now husband it took a very long time for me to trust him. Trust is earned before it is given became an adage I began to live by. I used to blindly trust others, rationalizing that when reasons not to presented themselves I would heed them. Sadly, I never knew if it was the drugs, his mental illness or which version of himself was real. Am so grateful I got out when I did. Love is such a beautiful thing with the right person and such a tragedy with the wrong person.
Final score:
18points
Smorescout 2 years ago
This is so sweet and horrible at the same time. I’m glad you found someone you trust.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
yep it takes a long time to learn to trust again. I am with a new person now after 1.5 years break and I still freak out with certain things that remind me of the previous person.
#4
I have, but I had to let her go. She is a narcissist, had mental and alcohol issues. Cheated with my cousin. I was in denial. Went on for a while until I actually caught them. But once it was thrust in my face, I was done. She wanted forgiveness, but I asked her a simple question. How many times...more than once, twice, three times? "Yes" So then you weren't sorry you did it, but that you were caught. She couldn't reply with a coherent answer. Still love her, but sometimes you have to let them go and respect yourself, if they won't. I gave her an ultimatum, at one point. Give the meds a chance, stop drinking and if still doesn't go well, we leave amicably, as friends....she walked out without saying a word. Mental issues and substance abuse issues are insidious. Months later, after we were separated she told me she was taking her meds, but didn't say anything about not drinking, had to have a friend mentally slap me to realize, it's all or nothing. Funny thing is both (cousin and her) were accusing me of letting the other off lightly.... I have since disowned the cousin. Another friend told me, he knew what was going on....I asked him why didn't he tell me? He replied, "would you have believed me?". I had to honestly answer, "No". I divorced her, even though she didn't want it. Essentially, she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Literally she wanted an open relationship. "NO!" I still get snail mail from county and state agencies telling me that she's financially broken. HOA suing her (she owns a separate home), lawyers trying to find her, etc. Fortunately, I had always insisted we separate our finances. I realized that I got off lucky, because in hindsight, I couldn't see myself growing old with her. I still think about her from time to time, but I realize that trust is everything and once that is broken, it's almost impossible to re-establish. Eventually, I believe she realized she made a huge mistake (always trying to contact me/re-establish any contact), but it was too late. She kept push the line until she crossed one, I couldn't ignore..... Forgive, yes. Forget, no. I am stronger for it.
Final score:
16points
#5
I have! I shouldn’t have. It was a physically and mentally abusive relationship already. And I wasted a few more years on the guy before we ultimately broke up. I found out years after the breakup that he had never really stopped cheating, even though I thought he had.
Final score:
14points
Sarah Richardson 2 years ago
I have been in the same boat. Thought my first boyfriend was cheating, he said he wasn’t - she was just a good friend and was going through a tough time. After I left him several years later I found out he had cheated with five other women- all of whom I knew. And had fathered a child with the first one, even though her partner was also unaware.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
me too. Was with an abusive gaslighter for over 10 years. About 5 years in, cheated. Why? Because she used sex as a reward. If I was 100% compliant and agreed with everything, I'd get some. If I expressed myself, said what I wanted to do, or went out with friends, punished. One time she even locked me out the house. That I was paying for. My own house. Because I was late from outing with friends. She put the key in the lock so I couldn't get in.
#6
I was the one cheated one. Took him back and accepted his child from the affair. We worked hard for almost 10 years to keep it together. We just decided on divorce.
Final score:
13points
Lauren Wilder 2 years ago
This happened to my sister. I finally lit into him when he tried to come cralliing back. Truly disheartening to see his gaslighting behavior on full display, still.
#7
he cheated. i tried to forgive him after 4 years of being together, but we broke up. right call- still single, however ;0
Final score:
12points
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#8
I was the cheater, albeit I was manic at the time so easier to forgive. 3 years later, all good
Final score:
7points
John Topper 2 years ago
That's part of the reason I posted this. People seem to have gotten it into their heads that cheating it's purely evil and done only be evil people. They don't seem willing to accept that it can be just a mistake. I'm happy to see responses like this where things moved on successfully.
Load More Replies... crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I'm glad you got through that. It must have been hard with your partner for a while
Caro Caro 2 years ago (edited)
Manic .... in psychiatry: relating to or affected by mania. "the manic interludes in depression". showing wild, apparently deranged, excitement and energy. "a manic grin"
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#9
Not me but my husband's first wife. She was his first GF. He asked her to marry him; she disappeared for the weekend, then said yes. They were together 12 years. Within the first year he knew she was cheating. They went in therapy, etc. She always cried and apologized. Then she brought in 2 guys and did it in the guest room, the next one was a guy 20 years younger. He put his foot down. She chose the other guy. When we became a couple, she called him back to say he was making a big mistake and needed to take her back. He didn't even hesitate and just said goodbye. In retrospect he thinks the weekend she disappeared she probably went on a sex spree. We've been together almost 34 years.
Final score:
5points
#10
Hell no, and never will. I made the engagement ring myself, she broke the date with me on Valentines day to go out with another guy (we were together for 2 years before this).
Final score:
4points
Leslie deBrun 2 years ago
I hope you kept that ring (which I am sure is beautiful) for a deserving woman.
#11
He had been friends with her for years before we met. She hung around a lot. So eventually they did, once. However, once...and we all stayed friends. I was with partner 43 years, until he died. We had a good life. Sometimes drama isn't needed.
Final score:
4points
#12
Here is my situation, the lady I love, has told me only recently that she doesn't want a relationship, prior to this, we dated and she left me for someone else, that didn't work out, came back to me as friends type of thing, she knows that I want a life and relationship with her, she has a daughter whom I adore and will take as my own, she currently moved to a different city to rebuild her life and I have done what i could to aid her, please note my aid and anything I have done is to make sure she succeeds and makes a better life for her and her child, I have told her this and that I'm prepared to wait, couple of weeks ago I sensed a complete change with her, she blamed it on work and I accepted it, because she is going through a whole lot of s**t at work and can't afford to lose her job, but I went to see her and as I said I could tell there is something wrong, I we t through her phone and I will admit that I was wrong for doing so, but after asking and telling her, that if she finds or of there is someone else tell me so I can leave without a fight, anyway I find out she is talking to that guy again...confront her and in the end, she tells me that I am more than a friend but less than a couple/relationship...I really don't know what to do at this point?
Final score:
3points
Moosy Girl 2 years ago
I’m afraid it sounds like you’re gonna have to take the hint and either commit to just being friends and stop hoping for or expecting more, or move on altogether. In any case stop going through her phone and consider that you can leave without a fight even if there isn’t someone else, no amount of ‚fighting’ is gonna ‚win’ you a relationship if she doesn’t want one, sorry. :/
Adhikaar Nunkumar (Submission author) 2 years ago
I should point out that prior to this, she had asked me to move in, she wanted me to leave my current job n look for work in that city, but with the state of our economy and way things are in our country, I could not take a risk and be unemployed for couple of months, also she used to talk about plans for the future with us
Load More Replies... dar Rah 2 years ago
Break up. It hurts, but it is not worth it. "More than a friend but less than a relationship" just means she doesn't want to be honest with you because you are useful to her. Do you have a close, father-daughter relationship with her daughter? That could be the hardest part. It always is, if there's children involved.
Adhikaar Nunkumar (Submission author) 2 years ago
I do with the daughter, will literary move heaven and earth for her, actually for both of them, when it comes to the lady in question, I will and would have helped no questions asked done anything and asked for nothing but honesty, I prefer honesty because that is where I know I stand and not hoping or waiting for something which will never happen
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#14
15ish years ago...A serious gf (bi) of mine (lesbian) checked her email on my laptop, then forgot to log out. A few days later, I got on my laptop to check my email, saw something that looked personal from a contact I didn't recognize, so I started reading. I realized after a few confused moments that it wasn't my email, but my gfs, and even though I knew I should have stopped reading, by that point I'd seen enough to think she was either cheating with the guy or about to. I read most of the email exchange. The affair was in it's early stages, hadn't gotten sexual yet, but they were talking about taking it there. I logged out, contemplated everything, then approached my gf and told her that while I was comfortable with our monogamy, I was wondering how she was feeling about it, and that I'd be open to other options if that was something she wanted. She confessed she might be interested in being open, but still primarily being a couple. We talked, outlined rules for what that would look like, and yeah, it worked. I knew she loved me, and I wanted her to be happy, but also very much wanted to stay a significant part of that happiness. I never even considered breaking up. My first thought was how to make things work better for both of us. She never acted on it with the guy from the email, but we both wound up having separate relationships with the same woman, who had been a long time friend of ours. I never told gf I read the email exchange, I felt bad for reading it, but also felt like I could release her cheating/planning to cheat without a confrontation. I figured confessing/accusing would just make her both upset and defensive, and probably end up with me feeling that way too. We did break up, much later, over totally unrelated stuff. I've mostly been poly since, because that aspect of my relationship with her worked really well, so I learned from it and carried those lessons with me.
Final score:
2points
#15
I forgave once after he promised me it was over, that he made a mistake, etc. Later I found out that he never ended that affair. It's not so easy to answer the question, I think. Was it a one-time thing because your partner was weak, drunk or whatever, or did he have a long-term affair behind your back? In most cases, my experience has shown that if someone cheated once, it can happen more easily another time. And even though I might understand some cases with my mind, I know I couldn't handle it emotionally, so I think I would leave another time.
Final score:
2points
Ninja Nonna 2 years ago
For me there is no going back after trust is broken.I won't forgive what I can't forget.
Leslie deBrun 2 years ago
Once would be enough for me. I would never be able to understand why it happened other than a selfish wish to have a side piece. That is all of it - the selfishness and the ability to not care about a partner's feelings on the matter, if even only for the few minutes the affair takes. Face it - it is only about five to ten seconds of a person's life. Orgasm that is. Not enough to throw over years of a decent relationship, or those years and children. Too many hurt people for 5 to 10 seconds of excitement. Life going stale? Take half the blame. Talk about it honestly together and resolve to find ways and means to spice things up. If you give in to the impulse to cheat, that few seconds will in the end cause so much pain for years and hurt in ways that you cannot fathom.
#16
you ask, i answer. no. i have not
Final score:
2points
Hey! 2 years ago
OP thinks it's funny to make a joke about a very serious theme.
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AnnaJ718 (Submission author) 2 years ago
thanks for the downvotes when i was trying to just bring people up. makes me feel great
Hey! 2 years ago
Short and sweet. No need to give us your story like others would want. Do you still think it was the best decision?
#17
No. She missed her period for like six months. denied it persistently. But was suddenly interested in gym after office hours and was messaging her friend about abortion clinics.
Final score:
2points
#18
I found out my ex-boyfriend was constantly cheating on me AFTER I broke up with him for other reasons. (My guy best friend and I had fallen in love) it was a true cluster from the get go but had I known he was a serial cheater, I would have gotten out a lot sooner.
Final score:
1point
#19
Freshly divorced. She cheated in the first year. She had N other option except me. Someone that loved her also. She said she needed to try to be sure if she decided right. Sche said she did the right decision. Friends warned me, they said she will do again. We worked very hard. Changed the continent and had kids. Right after that she decided to be free or divorced. I accepted since I wanted to keep the mother of the kids around. Now 8 years later we celebrate together Christmas. Recently divorced, if it would not be for the children I should pulled the line in the first year. Kids stay with me now. She will move on to another country. Resumen cheating is involved, get out. I will finance her some years and she cashed out good. The kids are great.
Final score:
1point
#20
The love of my life was a serial cheater. The last time I happened to be in the middle of a serious depressive episode and asked him to leave. (This was after 20 years of marriage and raising my 3 boys and his 2 together.) He told me later that he never thought I'd ask him to leave. Our relationship never really ended - he bought several sailboats and we sailed together. He as VERY generous with presents and played a huge role as grandfather to my grandchildren (he had none of his own). After his death I got a box he'd set aside for me. It was filled with every letter and card I'd written him, pictures of us together, his wedding ring, things he'd bought that reminded him of me, other such things and a letter of regret and apology to me.
Final score:
0points
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What do you think ?
Hypoxia Smurf 2 years ago
They screwed around multiple times; I did not; and we divorced. Finis!
tara 2 years ago
Why do we do these things to each other? What a horrible thing to do to someone.......to ruin their trust. To ruin their relationship....to ruin their lives. I don't think I would ever be able to forgive. I might be able to pretend it is in the past, but it would always eat away at me, I would be even more distrustful of others then I already am, I would become consumed by resentment and anger and just wanting to hurt the person who hurt me. I think I would eventually either have to walk away, or make such an awful hell outta the relationship they would HAVE to leave me. I wouldn't have the gumption to ask for forgiveness if I was the offender either.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
because humans crave novelty and get bored. Simple as that. Relationships are fire for three months, stable for three years. After that they are boring. It's just a fact. Hence people cheat. It's human nature to seek excitement. I understand it even though I have been cheated on. I do not forgive, I do not forget, but I understand it. My theory then is to just not give your heart. Assume the person will mess you around and guard your heart. You can give your heart to your children. Your partner... nah.
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SAF saf 2 years ago
I mean sure, forgiveness helps you to move on and not harp on the hurt. That being said forgiveness doesn't mean we're staying married. To make it worse, your kids ain't really forgiving you either. I was surprised at how many friends still resent a parent for cheating well into their 40's.
Hey! 2 years ago
I told my husband's story in the post but if it was me there would be no going back. I do not accept infidelity; it's a huge breach of trust. So my husband and I had a pact before we married (before we even decided we could go out together even). If he felt the need to be violent with me (my past) he had to tell me in advance. Same with me with if I felt the need to look elsewhere (his past). This would be a deal breaker for both of us, among the other things we discussed beforehand.
Hypoxia Smurf 2 years ago
They screwed around multiple times; I did not; and we divorced. Finis!
tara 2 years ago
Why do we do these things to each other? What a horrible thing to do to someone.......to ruin their trust. To ruin their relationship....to ruin their lives. I don't think I would ever be able to forgive. I might be able to pretend it is in the past, but it would always eat away at me, I would be even more distrustful of others then I already am, I would become consumed by resentment and anger and just wanting to hurt the person who hurt me. I think I would eventually either have to walk away, or make such an awful hell outta the relationship they would HAVE to leave me. I wouldn't have the gumption to ask for forgiveness if I was the offender either.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
because humans crave novelty and get bored. Simple as that. Relationships are fire for three months, stable for three years. After that they are boring. It's just a fact. Hence people cheat. It's human nature to seek excitement. I understand it even though I have been cheated on. I do not forgive, I do not forget, but I understand it. My theory then is to just not give your heart. Assume the person will mess you around and guard your heart. You can give your heart to your children. Your partner... nah.
Load More Replies... SAF saf 2 years ago
I mean sure, forgiveness helps you to move on and not harp on the hurt. That being said forgiveness doesn't mean we're staying married. To make it worse, your kids ain't really forgiving you either. I was surprised at how many friends still resent a parent for cheating well into their 40's.
Hey! 2 years ago
I told my husband's story in the post but if it was me there would be no going back. I do not accept infidelity; it's a huge breach of trust. So my husband and I had a pact before we married (before we even decided we could go out together even). If he felt the need to be violent with me (my past) he had to tell me in advance. Same with me with if I felt the need to look elsewhere (his past). This would be a deal breaker for both of us, among the other things we discussed beforehand.
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