30 Times Women Were So Funny On Twitter They Deserved An Award (October Edition)

Best item on the list! LOL

Epic!

More like posting "thanks" to a bunch of people on Facebook that I do not know.

I plan to read for an hour before sleep. I'm lucky if I can last 15 minutes.

My wife falls asleep 5 seconds after her head hits the pillow. When my head hits the pillow my brain decides that it's time to go into overdrive.

Smart kid.

No ☹️

He's a USED car salesman.

Crystal M

Crystal M

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I saw a cyber truck in the wild yesterday and had a strong urge to ram it.

Witches like to use modern technology. Except for roombas.

I no longer go out out on weekends. I'm like "nah I'm gonna sit and enjoy the rent"

I laughed, and looked around seeing the dishes, laundry, and cleaning I need to do. And then kept scrolling through BP .

*UNRELATED* but does anyone else hate the click to view comments?

This! The majority of my good outfits have some sort of sweater/fleece/jacket/hoodie, and cuz I’m so small I can never find one that fits well, but it doesn’t matter cuz oversize is cute anyway :)

maybe he was nervous. I say stupid s**t when I'm nervous, too and then ruminate on it at random times for the rest of my life.

we do not, no.

This includes having to pay for parking

some days, they just never get put on....

Introvert.

Some days, watching the clouds is all you need too feel good. Some days, watching the clouds will have to to do too make you feelb good.

Hide self view really helps

That's my secret, Cap. I'm always angry.

Or people that kinda look like people you know, but you are not 100% sure it´s them?

"But dude, we can't read or write so scrap that. "

Be afraid... be very afraid :D

every single damn lunch break. 30 minutes my a*s.

They're not acting.

Woah

Emails find you no matter how you are doing.

I got one read encyclopedia entries before the Internet and became an erudite snob thank you. LOL

Amateur. try 5pm in autumn and don't get me started on winter

It would be much easier to be a stupid, shallow person incapable of any self-reflection. People like that are having so much fun.

hahahahahaha! will have to bring this up to my wife sometime holy s**t

As a kid from Scotland with vast rail networks, it always confused me watching American movies where everyone is on a Greyhound bus, one of the worst ways to travel. Then I moved to USA and realized it's based on how limited their public transport network is across the country.

But you were forced to eat food you hate or sit there until you did.

I don't use qtips in my ears to clean out wax, I use qtips in my ears to dry them in ways that towels can't after showers.

You're the perfect wife. Don't demean yourself.

Definitely quality family time.

Yes, indeed. They were in hibernation and are fully rested now.

I prefer hobbies I can do from home, on my own schedule.

Uninployment all the way?

Conjugate me like one of your French verbs

which month you born...

Bartlet for World Domination

Bartlet for World Domination

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Barack Obama is the safe choice here.

Ace

Ace

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I was happy until I heard the Smiths, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.

It's unusual, but chilled on a hot summer day is so good.

And other lies we tell ourselves.

The 2 aren't mutually exclusive.

My comfort show is Midsummer Murders

They DO freeze :)

Every day?

I had my tubes tied 6 years ago after my son was born and haven't had sex in over a year. If I found out I was pregnant, I'd have some serious questions.

Mine's coming up in a week, already planned to bypass the usual begging people to come hang out for a few hours. Plan to take myself to my favorite cocktail bar for a couple of drinks then a nice messy seafood boil takeout in front of the tv with a cheesy movie. Currently taking cheesy movie suggestions.

Try the Pepper through the Brita & let us know what happened.

Just have them wash their hands often, and maybe bye them som air speed measuring kit, because I dread to think how they meassure now

My entire existence depends on a strong edible.

ouch!

lol, she got Karen's wee sister.

Every time I straighten my hair. Double takes everywhere. It's such a power move.

The little sister is fantastic, i'd have loved to have witnessed this!

He he :D

Depends on what you have a crush on. I declare crushing on chocolate and pumpkin spice is totally healthy. Trust me, I'm a doctor

My dearest Elizabeth, I hope this letter finds you well lol

Missed a great opportunity for a pun, using literary instead of literally.