There is a tired trope that women are not capable of coming up with funny jokes as men do. The infamous and hilarious female comedian Carol Burnett has re-told her story countless times about the path to her own variety TV show, and it always includes a variation of the phrase “comedy is a man’s game.” Well, it’s time to shut that old idea down.
Thanks to trailblazers like Burnett, countless funny women have since dominated TV, movies, stand-up comedy stages, Netflix and yes, even, Twitter. Social media has given us all a new platform to show off our best jokes, comedy chops, and funny tweets and some of our favorite accounts are run by women. If you don’t follow Chrissy Teigen's epic Twitter account you are seriously missing out on some comedy gold. Bored Panda has rounded up some of the best tweets from women on Twitter guaranteed to make you laugh! So scroll down below for some best puns delivered by the 'weaker' gender.
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No, the cat was smart, he was just wondering what the heck?!?
Load More Replies...the cat like, "do you have any idea what you're saying???? you have been offending my entire generation, cursing my gods and summoning demons for nearly an hour! stop this madness!!!!"
For some people, 25% is enough. They go from job to job and can't figure out why.
Load More Replies...and this couple had a very exciting weekend on their 25 years anniversary
I have an identical twin named Patrick, and we go to different schools in cork. To see if anyone would find out, we traded places for a day. (We take almost the exact same subjects, so we weren’t horribly confused during classes or anything.) the only time one of the students noticed something wrong was when I answered anseo múinteoir (Irish for here teacher) when William, one of my brothers classmates, was called. Neither of us got in any trouble
Tl,dr; my brother and I swapped schools for a day and nobody noticed
Load More Replies...My sister and I are four years apart, but look like we are twins. We both worked at Sears Parts and Service. It wasn't uncommon for customers to say.."Yeah..I talked to you about this last Tuesday." Me: "No you didn't." Customer.."Yeah it was Tuesday." Me: "I don't work on Tuesdays." Then my sister comes around the corner. Customer is looking back and forth at us in disbelief..Customer: "Well maybe it was her I was talking too." Walks towards my sister while looking at me with a "WTF?" expression on their face. Priceless.....
Same: Two Pizzerias, one in front of the other...I thought that the waitress had two jobs...nope, twins... took me two years
Something similar happened to me too, at two different Shops, the shops has the same name, franchise and saw this guy at the shop I don't often go to, so when I went back to my regular one I saw him again and said oh, do you work shifts at both shops? He said no, he has a twin brother
My husband and I lived two doors down from a stunning couple, they both looked like runway models. We rarely saw them, he was a chiropractor and she was a pharmacist and didn't have kids like most of us so we just waved hello most days. Started seeing him at the mall where a new chiropractic office opened and thought he seemed standoffish when we would wave, he never waved back. Saw him on the street one day and asked if he didn't recognize us and of course that's when he said it was his identical twin, also a chiropractor. Years later I ended up with identical twin sons of my own, luckily they chose different careers. Lol.
And they're both working for the same company ... In the same position? XD
My local supermarket has identical twins who work as shelf stackers. Both smiley and friendly. I spent a few months wondering how the hell he managed to get from one aisle to another so fast before I realised there had to be two of them.
Load More Replies...*“Hello yes period helpline what can I do for you?”* “Well the monthly blood renewal sounded like a good idea at first, but I’d like to cancel my subscription” *”ooh, sorry miss, but you still have another 28 years in your contract”*
Yes, but other options are available! You can unsubscribe for 9 months with our side offer, but it comes with an 18-30 year payment plan....
Load More Replies...You always have the best comments Stellermatt... with that, yes, the gift of bloating, mood swings, and a temporary pass that you are not pregnant but eligible to become it....
Load More Replies...When I waa a pre-teen, I thot it would be a twice a year event - like my dog, so I asked my mom about it. My reaction to her reply was, "EVERY MONTH?!!! ... Are you SURE???!!!
I wish we did have seasons like animals. Stupid big brains and over active nads.
Load More Replies...Considers adding more guns to the school environment by arming teachers but straws, they gotta go, they're dangerous!!!
Ok this straw thing...some people NEED them to drink. I had multiple brain surgeries, half my face is frozen. I haven't been able to get facial rejuvenation surgery yet for it. Until then, I cannot purse my lips on one side of my face. Liquids will simply NOT stay in my mouth. Often, I use a plastic straw to drink, especially in public. The environment is really a non-issue for me and lots of other people like me when we cannot drink in public without them.
California....Born there raised there Moved the hell out 13 years ago, Thank God
As soon as I saw these two birds I thought "Joan Rivers and May West!" may-west-5...2c1c4.jpeg
*scene*- we open to a camera shot of two very extravagant looking, southern belle birds discussing their ex husband's and their grounds for separation. Left bird- " and my second husband became the owner of a chain of rotisserie poultry restaurants and simply couldn't understand why that offended me so! And so, I filed for divorce and was awarded ownership and control over 5 of the 7 restaurants. Which of course under my management are a huge success! ...what about you? " Right bird- "oh my story isn't anywhere NEAR as exciting! ...my late husband, (husband number 4) tragically passed away in a mysterious bread eating accident. I just don't know what it is about me and spouses they all seen to pass so suddenly and unexpectedly, it's simply tragic" * End Scene*
It even looks like the one on the left has a tiny handbag with it. Suits the whole story
The one on the right looks like she's done with marriage for now and she'll just live off her last two divorce settlements while she bangs the pool boy.
Ah, the joys of pregnancy...good thing she still has her sense of humor!
Sometimes, but I usually don't put bikinis on my chicken. I prefer garnishes.
Also the sea is filled with things exclusively designed to kill you, sharks, jelly fish, swimming knives...I think I lost the metaphor
Considering the amount of case in which the partner or ex-partner is the murderer, your methaphor is just right
Load More Replies...very polluted. we're killing our environment and it's killing us right back
Rubbish is shipped to other countries willing to take it and destroy it but they dumped it in the sea instead.
That's true so why the downvotes??? Creating rubbish is a serious problem but so is correct disposal.
Load More Replies...That explains it! All the fish that I’ve met lately just talk trash.
Yeah, and the fish are eating it, which is why most are garbage
Because President Trump is not a bought and paid for politician. Winning.
Load More Replies...Dangerous, dangerous, irresponsible man - threatens everyone, knee-jerk agressive reactions, seemingly answers to no-one. The world will be a safer place once he is gone
I legitimately think he is senile and should be removed from office as being unfit for the responsibility.
Load More Replies...he tweets like your grandad who hasn't learned how to turn caps lock off, everything is shouting.
Well, it's true. I mean hitler tried to invade and we kicked his *ss
Don’t see how his comment is unstable. it’s the damn truth people need to think before they threaten our country cause the military will bring down an a*s beating the likes they’ve never even imagined under this president! Anyone who would sit by and allow thes people to threaten our way of life need to slap themselves and grow up
hey i was on a train something like a month ago, and on the other side of the aisle was sitting an elderly couple. he kept passing gas and saying out loud: "WASN'T ME!", "Hey stop looking at me I DIDN'T DO IT", while giggling with his wife. at one point she started laughing and fanning with a newspaper and he went like, "oh boy this is nasty, but do you think I farted too loud this time?" both kept laughing, i must say the smell was nasty but i couldn't keep from laughing too :D
Well I know one thing, you are not in California where they banned straws so that's not happening
No, they did not. They did not ban straws. They banned single-use straws made of plastic. I hope it spreads like a prairie fire!
Load More Replies...You're not alone in being the innocent victim of someone else's mischief. Years ago, in grade school, I tried to throw a pat of butter at some jerk who was being obnoxious. I made a bad throw and missed - him. Hit one of my buds in the eye. It became a running joke.
I usually just comment, "Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of, I'm sure you did your best?"
She must eat a lot of pickles... I wouldn't need to talk to my husband for days if that was the case...
Actually you don't need someone to open it, you just need to smash the side of the lid against something (against the floor for example) and it will pop and be easy to open ;P
That works. Sorry you got so downvoted just for something practical.
Load More Replies...this is a good answer to your mums question of 'if everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?!', you could now answer 'yes, but I'd wear a life jacket'.
Probably more important to ask if there's water at the bottom first.
Load More Replies...Why not just say I promised my girl and leave out the pinky promised bit? Maybe I don't get how serious the pinky part is, don't think we do it in the UK though I might be missing a massive trend, but the pinky bit doesn't sound like something a man would admit to.
That's a fair question that I don't believe deserves to be down-voted. It does make it sweeter that he included that wording, but I understand why someone from a different culture would maybe not understand.
Load More Replies..."punches screen, clears desk of paper, throws chair through window* I... er... have no idea... what you're talking about...
Behind every 'crazy' woman is a man who helped her get there.
It's that famous emotional stability that men have that makes great presidents again.
Yes, like Trump, Kim Jong Il, Erdogan, ... all really emotionally stable and rational and practical men
Load More Replies...I'm a guy and on the rarest occasion i get very angry (usually at someone) and i also have the need to get lose the angry at the moment. i then also feel the need to punch something. But i will always (no matter what state i am) remember myself i rather punch something else and hurt myself then that i hurt anyone else. I will never lay a hand on someone.
@Aunt Messy, I am a grown up and punching a bag or pads in the gym is the way I deal with my anger. Better for my health and my state of mind (both anger and exercise release hormones) and WAAAAAAAY cheaper than a psychotherapist
Load More Replies...I know - why is anger the only negative emotion men are "allowed" to express? So messed up.
My brother broke his hand punching the wall to keep from hitting his crazy b***h wife (now ex.). So I guess that covers both?
I should clarify, my brother is not violent, he was mad because she was blaming her affair on his military deployment and told him it probably wouldn't have happened if he had a "normal" job.
Load More Replies...I'm more prone to violence towards inanimate objects than crying and my husband is the chill one. I had a cold once and kicked a hole in our wall because I couldn't stop coughing. To be fair...the walls were very thin at that house and I really hate coughing.
Me too! Everyone has emotions, it's not a male or female thing. I've known men who express their emotions in more what some would call the stereotypical "female" way, and women who express in the "male" way. It's just dumb to label it by gender, they're human emotions we all feel.
Load More Replies...I have a bad habit of calling them chlamydia bears. Has led me to public embarrassment.
They are actually colloquially known as 'Drop Bears'. We warn tourists about them once they arrive.
What?!!? the don't koalafy???, writing National Geographic right now...
And then you just slowly blink your eyes a few times and say, "But...I thought they didn't have Koalafications?" and just wait to see what he does.
You are - unless you have a loo-roll obsessed dog! Had to abandon the holder completely as it was just enabling her habit.
there is a whole wiki page for this... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilet_paper_orientation
But your towel is perfectly folded and hung properly as my mother would have liked it.
Or when I have to pay a whole ticket for my perfectly civilised corgi to board on the subway, but all screaming insufferable children under 6 go in for free.
Annette why are u so rude. In my city there are more and more appartement for rent or to buy which don't allow dogs. I live in an appartement building with many children and we never ever have a moment of peace. The kids slam the doors, threw their litter in and around the building, they scream from outside for their mother (multiple this by about 20 kids), they run around in their appartements to no hours, it's impossible to have a moment's rest, they play with the elevators, you might as walk 5 stories down or up. My dog doesn't bark, run around like a headless chicken, she doesn't litter in or around the building, she just stays in her basket waiting politely for her next walk. Yes, childrend rule the building and I do like well behaved kids, but one can't choose your neighborhoods. In this building there are about 10 families with dogs, it's very rare to hear any of them.
Load More Replies...It has usually been my experience that people's pets are better behaved than their children. Some people really shouldn't breed.
My bunny literally makes NO NOISE and ended up getting blamed for loud noises. And when we moved out, after the water heater leaked all over our carpet, the landlord said the resulting carpet stain looks like BUNNY PEE. HE'S LITTER TRAINED ASSHAT.
you think that's bad? try pet rent. yes that's a thing and it's got to be the most absurd thing ever. Thus my apartment knows I have a cat, but I have 2. I refuse to report the other one bc it's $20 per pet.
See if you can get a doctor's note saying they're "emotional support animals." Some states have laws saying landlords cannot charge pet rent for emotional support animals. Worked for me! Haven't paid pet rent in years!
Load More Replies...this. My neighbors' kids do nothing but scream and throw things and sometimes p1$$ in the stairwells
I know it's a joke, but sorry, she lost me at "my boyfriend tried to make me have sex.."
That's my girl :) I have my Accord and for two years my partner is trying me talk into buying new car (some type of off-road car) and I successfully refuse :D love my car :)
And not until we can 'Ford children. Only then will we be Lincoln privates.
Just don't post the "route" you take on Facebook otherwise some people might wonder why you keep "running past" their house ;)
A posh gym we used to belong to had screens that took you through hiking places all over the world. It was neat but not programmable. I like this google map idea!
Load More Replies...What would be cute is if you could program it to simulate the Peachtree Road Race or the Boston Marathon.
Great idea ! I have one which gives me a VR image of the English Channel. I'm just nearing the French Coast now. It's brilliant ! I don't even get wet ! But, you know the funniest thing is I CAN'T SWIM !!
my wife bought a new dress with pockets - never seen a woman so excited.
It's a legit problem not only is it hard to get pockets we get pants with the illusion of pockets just to drive us crazy
Load More Replies...Oh, yeah. The struggle is real. Also, not being able to find jeans that are both wide enough, deep enough and don't have idiotic holes on them, plus are my size. Honestly, people. I'm just a 172cm, standard-sized girl that needs practical clothing! When are you going to learn that not all girls are dumb enough to follow stupid trends? Just make a small stock of... well, normal clothes and see if it works, it wouldn't cost you so much, you get like 50$ from selling one teeny tiny ridiculous crop top shirt! I'd even pay extra, just offer me some normal clothes, goddammit!
I have three dresses with pockets. Whenever someone compliments me on them, I always go: AND POCKETS!!! and show them. The women always understand.
I'm the same. If i get a dress or a skirt with pockets, everyone'll know.
Load More Replies...I will NOT buy a pair of pants that has no pockets. Period. Time and again I have gone to a store and found what seemed to be a great pair, only to discover it had no pockets, or pathetic excuses for pockets that would barely hold one credit card. Back on the rack!
It always pisses me off that women's outerwear hardly ever, and that is pretty close to never ever, have any inside pocket whereas men's jackets, overcoats etc almost always come with a great inside pocket to stash some valuable things in. Grrrrr.
I hate that! Though some are only sewn shut to stop people putting their hands in when trying them on and stretching the fabric/leaving things in them. They are only tacked closed and you can unpick them.
Load More Replies...All I'm saying is, I'll believe we've achieved equality of the sexes when we have goddamn pockets. It's 2018. Where the f*ck are my pockets???
Oh, and how about giving us sizes that are simple measurements, like men's?
I hate being left out so I always try to shout down other (yes, I am one to but just to bullies) over talkers if a quiet person is trying to get something important out. Whatever you think of Disney, they gave all at a meeting 3x5" cards to write on semi-anonymously (they might use something better now, I read about it in 2002) and put them on a wall to be voted on by the group so that all opinions and information are heard.
I want to be that person so bad, but I can’t block out all the other noise and I also can’t hear all that good in the first place. Because I totally LOVE to hear what people have to say, especially when they’re really into something. It’s just soooo fun to see what someone is passionate about.
That person sounds nice. Wish there was someone like that when I was in school.
I heard the shape of the straw is the problem, it isn't recyclable because the shape gets jammed in machines. Maybe that's not true for the lid? Just wondering.
It's the shape and size of straws specifically that's the hazard, predominantly to wildlife and sealife.
Even thought it's plastic, it's a plastic cover without a straw instead of a plastic straw and a plastic cover. Also straws have their own problems because of their shapes when they aren't disposed of correctly
But bio plastic isn't very recyclable. At least the straws are great fire starters.
My SO is the ONLY one who brings them home. I use them for hair color but otherwise, I bring them to the bag-only recycling bins at the grocery store. They can't be recycled in the regular plastic recyclers because they are too flimsy and mess up the machines.
Load More Replies...I literally have a garbage bin designated for plastic bag collection.
My friend has one like that, they start talking and it is impossible to get away - ends up inventing imaginary reasons you have to go.
Welcome to the club! We have cookies, which we eat in our own houses with the doors locked and the shades drawn.
Load More Replies...I feel for you, i had that problem for a while but was moving anyway. Hell when you are stuck with them.
Load More Replies...Why all the lying? I just told my neighbor the truth: 'I'm sorry, but I want to change and relax a little before I start dinner. I just don't have the time right now. How about we get together Saturday and catch up? That would be lovely.' Works great! Sometime I talk, but when I don't want to my neighbor understands and I don't have to lie all the time.
This is what one has to do. Some friendly neighbors are just being friendly, some are overstepping boundaries due to various psych issues, and excuses won't really work. It's best to make it clear to people what your boundaries are; no need to feel bad, it doesn't mean you are a horrible person. If they don't like it, they'll then leave you alone, and problem solved.
Load More Replies...My neighbours are really friendly too. They love it when I play my electric guitar really loud. I think they must love Heavy Rock Music as much as I do; especially all that high-pitched feedback. They'll start banging on the walls between our two houses. I can hear them shouting : "MORE MORE ! and PLAY LOUDER ! TURN IT UP !" At least that's what I think they are shouting. Do you know they'll even come around to my house and smash the windows just so they can hear me better. It's great to know my playing is appreciated. I must call into them to thank them for their support and encouragement. Bless them.
I wish my neighbors cared enough to want to talk to me. So their kids dont do bad things to my house. We are all at "hi" level and we give out the full sized candy at Halloween so we hope that accomplishes the same.
Yep. And nothing is worse then opening your camera to take a picture of something and it opens to the inside camera. Ultimate betrayal
And I thought I was the only with this problem. Even when I max out the "beautify" setting.
Is it a good or a bad thing that I only just realized they're female.
"All the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are female"--Dr. Henry Wu. Except, they used frog DNA which allowed the dinosaurs to spontaneously reproduce asexually. Ian Malcolm was right "life finds a way."
Load More Replies...Homer Simpson had a far more accurate quote: "Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and um Oh, wait a minute! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!"
I still love mini golf one of the best date nights I've had in a while ...2 hole in one shots yea i won that night
Aaahhh spotting a MFM fan in the wild is an awesome thing. Don't get murdered hon!
Load More Replies...was that really a banana in your pocket? or were you just happy to see them.
The Doctor says you should always carry a banana. They're good for potassium :) Yes, that Doctor.
There is an old saying, in my family: "Never let your love see you cook spinach." To us, it meant that you should never let on to how many resources and how much effort you put in to a project.
And I'm always like 'I'll never eat all that,' then it's two bites and I'm done
Read an article in a nature mag that the birds love kale, particularly cooked. So, bought a pack, cooked it and put it in the bowls by the feeder and underneath. 3 weeks later, even the rats were turning up their noses. Maybe my location isn't quite as woke(n)
Our birds and squirrels will sit on the patio chairs and look in to the window, or tap on the window to let us know the feeder is empty! Thought I was seeing things when it first happened! The birds stare and the squirrels smack their paws on the window, of the French doors!
I didn’t realise that 80% of what I say was inappropriate until my 4 year old started repeating me
I grew up listening to the oldies (hate modern pop music), and now listening to them again I realize just how inappropriate the lyrics are. The naughty stuff went over my head when I was little, and even when I hit puberty and was learning about "the birds and the bees." What a difference even a few years of maturity makes.
I didn't realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my mom.
This is true. I was a bit shocked when I realized what Elvis's "Teddy Bear" was about.
The worst is when I start singing along, then realised that the lyrics contained inappropriate words, then I just mumble... mental note to self ‘delete the songs, or put clean versions on the usb’ 🤦🏽♀️
When my son was growing up, I'd play CDs in the car. It seemed like about 80% of the CDs, I had skip track #7. Track #7 on: Beastie Boys Ill Communication, Tori Amos "Under the Pink", Tool's Aenima ("Hooker with a Penis"), always had to skip it when my son was in the car.
Absolutely. Did you see the crash of opinions on Toxic Masculinity? I got too scared to go in. A manly kind of scared.
Load More Replies...I need a scream closet. A sound proof room where i can go to scream out all my frustrations... seriously I have been getting some really weird looks when I start screaming in my car.
Is it? I'm jealous as I'd have loved somewhere to hide when crying at school.
Load More Replies...This would be great at work too, we only have two bathroom stalls, and woman cant cry in peace. It releases good endorphins okay..
It's a nice idea, but why does the closet look like it was blown out of another part of the school?
Cut them in half and scoop out the contents. Gets to all of the lotion so that you can then throw them away completely empty.
99 bottles of lotion on the wall, 99 bottles of lotion, take one down, pass it around...
I have my own mini mart of hygiene products in my closet :-| I regret nothing
Take caps off both new and old bottles. Balance old bottle on top of new and leave til Old is empty. Rinse out old bottle well and drop into recycle bin.
Just for clarification, place the openings together so it drains out. 😂
Load More Replies...Kudos to her. Though I did read recently that doctors are saying it doesn't work. Miserable sods.
Hate to be the killjoy, but I feel this is a necessary PSA. Ethanol retards nutrient breakdown and absorption. https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa22.htm You are hardly getting anything besides sugar in an alcoholic drink. Screwdrivers are not giving you vitamin C, White Russians are not a source of calcium and the sweetened cranberry juice in your Cosmo sure as hell isn't going to help a UTI. This woman is not respectable, she's delusional; and she is hurting herself.
And yet you decide to go ahead and be a killjoy anyway...
Load More Replies...No; people don't evaluate your appearance based on your photos. It's just a question of whether your features are "cut" to work well with photography. Some of the most attractive people don't photograph well and, likewise, many models and others who take great photos aren't actually what you'd call attractive in person, they are just cut in a way that creates a good effect in the picture. And pretty much all of them have had surgery to further enhance that effect. Coming from four generations in the entertainment industry, I can guarantee there are lots of "handsome/beautiful" stars who photograph great but look like the most dull, nondescript, average people in person.
You know how they say the camera adds ten pounds? Well, it adds wrinkles and bags under your eyes, too!
It's the reflection to show you, how you've should been, but in real it shows you the way it can reflect you. Most of the time it is less, than the real you and your bright sight.
And please explain why the last four pairs of pants I've purchased had pockets that were sewn shut? I mean, they were actual full-size pockets, but I had to get out a thread puller and open them to use them. Why?
Now I'm frantically checking all my pockets hoping I get a magical just sewed shut one!
Load More Replies...False advertising is always bad. And while some people don’t stand pockets, many people, of various ages, actually do prefer them instead of having to use a handbag all the time (plus, a 3 year old shouldn’t have to have a handbag because she couldn’t put her rocks and shells in her pants, and she shouldn’t need to have someone hold it for her)
AND LETS NOT FORGET THE TEENY WEENY POCKET WHICH YOU CAN'T FIT ANYTHING IN UNLESS YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR TOOTHPICKS!!!
basically, except usually a twill material, and a high waist. They originated in 50s - think Audrey Hepburn.
Load More Replies...If you buy a really expensive tailored suit in the UK, it has pockets. When you come to wear it, you try to put something in the pockets but noooo, they're sewn up. Several years later, once its no longer fashionable you find out that the pockets have been 'tacked' closed to preserve the line, but pull the thread, and you haz pockets. Facepalm.
Yoga pants with that tiny pocket IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BACK of the waistband.
Yeah, how much extra would it have cost them to add the 4 sq inch pocket? I also dislike how small our front pockets are. They aren’t even big enough to hold my phone. Meanwhile, guys pockets go down to their knees!
To be honest - I hate this in general. Can we just stop stereotyping everyone? (I know we can't, really, but let's aim for that!)
majority of stereotyping has grains of truth... but i like to give benefit of the doubt.
Load More Replies...this generalisation is daft. I'm 37, yet fit into the same generation as someone born in 1996, and to be honest I seem to feel more at home with ideas of those born in the 60's yet love the golden age of hip-hop, thrown in with my love of art, history, cartoons, being very childish (see all my puns) yet also having all my dad jokes... so I don't fit in but fit in by not fitting in.
I'm the same (born '81). Grew up without mobiles, laptops or the internet..
Load More Replies...Baby boomers can be equally dumb. No question about it. And I'm a boomer myself.
Parents and grandparents shape the younger generations, thus bearing a large chunk of the responsibility for any characteristics that are expressed as a group by their descendants.
Aw. You can still be a bit squishy round the middle.
Load More Replies...I guess I scored with my dude. Has a six-pack, doesn't let gym get in the way of our hang time, drinks on the reg, is one of the biggest foodies I know (burgers, ice cream, all the things) his pecs are perfect size definitely not bigger than my boobs and create a perfect little nook for me to rest my head, I said I needed to lose weight he said he likes me more like this but he is willing to coach me to tone if that's what I want (he knows all about fitness), and he said he looooves my stretch marks. I know this post is not about this, haha but I'll take any chance to brag about bae
My understanding is the only way to see visible abdominal muscles on most people is to have a very unhealthily-low body fat percentage and do unnatural exercises. So, it's beautiful how/why? Unhealthy and/or unnatural people don't look good to me.
That would generally be true for women, but men have a lower body-fat percentage and will naturally appear muscular just from a normal level of exercise. Consider too that our ancestors did things like hunt cave bears and mammoths and were extremely active as part of the normal course of surviving. Sturdy and balanced muscles were necessary to pull that off, and are inherently part of the gene pool that has survived to this day. You can even see this muscular definition in hunter-gatherer tribes that still exist around the world. These men typically spend a lot of time sitting around, only occasionally engaging in hunting, combative, or other types of activities, but they are inherently fit and display cut musculature.
Load More Replies...Why can't we replace every password with the fingerprint identity like the phones have?
Apparently a number of those fingerprint sensors can be defeated by gummy bears. Passwords on the other hand can only be defeated by whoever finds the massive list of passwords you have stashed somewhere.
Load More Replies...My iPad doesn’t recognize my finger print no matter how many times I reset it.
I agree. Way too many passwords to remember. Then I write them in a little book and realize -Duh- someone could look in the book and find them all. Bummer.
iOS 12 does that. Google does it with an app called Automater. Siri in iOS 12 can bring up passwords just by asking. They've also updated copy and paste of the notification with numbers appear on a second device. Google also just released its Titan key its a usb dongle that acts like a vpn password locker.
Only if you hang around in the wrong bars with the wrong people .
*cough* people who think they are cool 'cause they say Harry Potter is just a kids book *cough*
Say it one more time for those Twilight fools in the back! lol
Load More Replies...Oh, now come on! That can't surely be right! Really???
Load More Replies..."unpopular opinion haha... Stranger Things is so overrated lol..." like I get it Katie you want to look cool by hating on a popular show
my son gets confused and a little angry when I suggest brunch, he's like 'we're still having breakfast and lunch before and after though yeah?' and I'm like, ya know what, yes, yes we are.
Poor people neglect their dog (perhaps due to working 16 hours a day) and are fined or go to jail. Rich people treat their dog just as badly in the name of a shallow (and misplaced) aesthetic , and society is like "How interesting!" I've been noticing this unfairness lately all over the place. Poor kid spends his life in prison due to an initial arrest for half a joint, and it all spirals down from there. Meanwhile, all the middle-class people are coating most of the land in their metropolis with poison on a regular basis in the summer, polluting the water, killing wildlife, and that's just fine.
Load More Replies...But he’s looking directly at the camera. Seems a little unfair to all the people in the photo to draw the comparison. Plus the women’s outfits in the new photo are WAYY better! 😄
Harsh downvoting! Must be a lot of people here who like photos of people or themselves eating ice cream. Dunno.
Load More Replies...Haha I'm going to get downvoted too for giggling at this.
Load More Replies...He isn't drunk!! No typos so his brain and fingers are still working together.
I apologise profusely to ants when I accidentally kill them or have to move them/wipe them away...
I just can't unsee how the sentence starts with an asterisk but ends with double quotes...*feels sorry for being grammar Nazi"
Sooo wrong. You have no idea how much us middle-aged men are NOT saying. Whenever we open our mouth it's a sexual harassment lawsuit so most just keep quiet.
Thank you. We don't want to hear that "stuff". Keep up the good work.
Load More Replies...I totally give guys hair-ties Daily! I live with THREE men with shoulder length, or longer, hair. We have hair ties on every door k**b, lint rollers in every room and traps on every drain. We even formed a metal cover band called Mane Street, (for one party only.) I've notified them that we are all now Sisters, Amen.
Load More Replies...I haven't ironed anything in the two years I moved from my parents. Can't say I miss it. (For the record - I do hang the clothes properly and try not to buy anything that would look too bad wrinkled or that wrinkles easily. And also - I don't really care that much.)
I do that too. Honestly I invest so much time on trying not to iron stuff that I should just iron my clothes :/
Load More Replies...I'd probably save some time if I'd just iron my first choice instead of going through my whole wardrobe and ending up ironing the first items I looked at....
Pull your clothes out of the dryer hot and put them away immediately and *BAM* little to no wrinkles.
Take them out of the dryer damp, hang immediately on hangers and let dry on the shower bar. NEVER iron, unless it's a hem that dried folded up.
most of the clothes I've owned didn't need ironing
BEST LIFE HACK EVER!!!! Buy a cheap spray bottle. Spritz the wrinkles with just plain water. (I always give the shirt a back and forth shake too, idk if it actually helps it’s just my habit) Hang the clothing up for a bit. It works amazing!!! I promise. 😘
Kroger has a spray that smells fresh and kills all the wrinkles! Or Downey wrinkle release! We don’t iron. We still have the iron we got as a wedding present, and it still works! 25 years and counting. Got the same mixer too! Still works also!
This reminds me of the genital herpes commercial from season 5 of spn
The Harry Potter book is called Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Similar to the title of the herpes article above.
Load More Replies...I've had this convo more than once since I went back to working full time. Still beats being broke, tho.
There's so much truth here I damn near quit my job and became a hermit.
Sick of the “only in America” negativity. How about only in America are drive-in movie theaters! Only in America are ....... keep it going!
How does this fit the context of "things that made the Internet laugh out loud"? It's not funny, nor even insightful.
Didn't realize that we had an international arbiter of humour we all needed to answer to, must have missed the memo.
Load More Replies...That’s not men; that’s individuals with lack of decency. Many of them happen to classify as males. A man would pay attention, though, because he has self-respect 👍🏼
I feel like he misunderstood. Maybe he thought she meant she was doing better than she had been, not that she's had better times than currently
Normally I'd agree but "Ive been better" is not a vague statement, it's about as clear as you can get, and a solid invite to ask what is going on if you care(you don't have to). Just don't respond with "good to hear that" of course.
Load More Replies...They do that when i turn around to get something out of the damn cart. Last month i yelled at one, "It's my butt, you a*****e!"
It's worse on public transport - you cant just move further away. Once had a woman behind me on the bus talk on the phone in a very loud piercing voice for a full 30 minutes. I was seriously tempted to get off and wait for the next bus
In this case I always comment loudly about the conversation : if it doesn't stop it, at least I have the laughs on my side... And maybe someday they will understand that if they make me hear them, I will make them hear me too !
Load More Replies...I find the higher up you hold your elbow whilst on the phone, the more of a d**k you are.
Most airport lounges have "quiet" sections where phones aren't allowed. It's brilliant.
I remember back when push to talk first came out. I would see people walking through Walmart screaming into their phones with the volume at full blast, looking very haughty. They didn't realize how stupid the really looked...and sounded, lol.
No, it's the ear buds that are really funny. I guess I must be old, but people standing around yapping at the air don't look "important", they look like crazy homeless people.
Load More Replies...How about all those people having loud private conversations on speaker phone while doing their grocery shopping? I can't decide if I want to yell at them or join in the convo I'm obviously being invited to.
had an incident where a person who hated me entered the bus, din't notice me & sat behind. The bus started moving i get a call from a deaf person asking me what my name was, with all the noise in the bus, the deaf person & a crappy handset, i had to yell out my name. only for the person who hated me to yell 'you B**ch!' next thing, i was standing at the next bus stop. never again will i attend calls while in the bus
Men with the phone in the hands are never important, even if the thing so. All the important people in the world won't be called, they are in touch.
This made me laugh so hard in this quiet office I'm in!! I don't know why I'm picturing Homer Simpson doing this.
Or she didn't have enough money to donate, yet when she found some money she had the heart to donate instead of keeping it to herself...
Load More Replies...Yes. Have long hair and want to chop it to shoulder length but am pretty sure I will regret it.
Just do it - I've done this three times by now. Chop it, let it grow, chop it...
Load More Replies...Long hair is the best, but you have to learn ways to style it so you can make "short" styles when you want to.
It will grow again!! Don’t sweat the small stuff! If this is the worst thing you have to worry about, count your blessings! Do some charity work!
I just don't care about my hair. I let it grow long because I'm too lazy and cheap to get a hair appointment, then it gets unwieldy and I chop it real short. People I don't see all the time are often like "Oh, you cut your hair really short!" or "Oh, you grew your hair really long!" and I'm like "Yeah, I don't remember what it looked like the last time I saw you."
I have short hair and I love it, never gonna grow it out again... easier to take care of and dye it (hot pink is next!)
Absolutely. Lettuce is a total waste for me most of the time because I only use it supplementary (don't really eat salads, but I'll use it in other recipes).
Then you're spending $3 on shredded lettuce instead of buying a whole head of lettuce for $.98
Load More Replies...Nah, you're subjected to massive propaganda and commercialism, and the culture is completely geared toward keeping women broke. That's the truth.
To be honest, I think men who say that are generally not very safe to be around. It's easy to not sexually harass/assault anyone, so if they're worried it likely means they've crossed a line before and are worried there might be consequences.
Or the paranoia that you might get easily accused for things that aren't actually sexual harassment, caused by all the stories you hear in the media :) but those are the exceptions of course
Load More Replies...There is the option not to hook up and actually put time in to building a relationship before sex. What a concept.
Lots of men are heavily reliant on pre-planned scripts for all of their interactions with others, especially women. (Women do it too, but I believe men are more prone to this.) It's a technique they develop in the hopes of averting failure and being more successful and competitive. Anyway, that's why men so often dish out script-like commentary and "lines". They also anticipate what you'll say and do in response to their script. You can prove this by giving an unpredictable response to a scripty question or comment. You'll see that it completely throws them off their game, and may even irritate them, if you don't act in the way they predicted you would.
Yes, nothing sexier than having some say, "Can I kiss you? Can I kiss you again? Can I set my hand on your shoulder? Can I now set my other hand on your other shoulder?" And on and on. And of course, the woman has to also ask if it's okay to touch him, over and over. "Is this okay? Is this okay? Is this okay?" How about we all just grow THE F UP and agree to actually use our words and TELL the other person if something isn't okay? Wouldn't that make things easier and a little sexier?
Thing is, I've met women who have tried to threaten men with sexual assault just because they were mad at the man. That's not cool. And by tried, I mean, went to someone in authority & outright lied about them. I've known women who slept with men knowing full well it wasn't a relationship-only to get mad at them over something trivial-& contact the police. Some women are crazy. I've known (not friends but women I've worked with) 3 such women. So...yeah.
You know more than one woman who has told you she has knowingly had a one night stand and then gone to the police to accuse them of rape? And you did nothing? Why does that sound incredibly unlikely?
Load More Replies...Have a labbie, he'll let anyone in the house. But will chase birds out of the garden 'cos they're evolved dinosaurs and hence a danger to his hoomaans :o)
If me and the dog are alone, he will not go to the door, he’ll stand where he is and growl and look at me to take care of it!
China already has a live action of Mulan. And without the americanisation parts too!
Sounds good! Stories are so often ruined in the film version.
Load More Replies...One of my dogs does this so loudly and at such a horrible pitch that it's more a case of protecting your ear drums from harm. More screech yawns. He is lovely but LOUD.
People do keep them as pets, especially in Japan. I don't think owners generally let them loose on the floor of a train though.
Omfg!!! I had to google what that was & I was laughing before but after I saw the photo I almost dropped my damn phone!!! Haaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Could be worse. I once had a coworker that sent an e-mail to our boss about our storage facility. She casually walked over to his desk with a print out of the e-mail and said "I had no idea we were in this kind of business." The title of the e-mail...Current State of the Campus Whorehouse.. Oops.
OMG--I reply "Got it" to 95% of the emails I get at work, and this is my worst nightmare. 'Cause most of the employees here are women. As am I.
Forget the 7 million ... it only takes one as-h-le to make you miserable for the whole day. And that’s the truth!
Awww...no, you must learn how to manipulate people, then your customers will be under your control, and these things will no longer happen.
That would make for a completely different Night at the Museum movie
Load More Replies...Ooohh, doesn't everyone want to touch it?? Get really close to it and look at the direction of the brush strokes?? I went to a glass museum recently and was surprised not to be forcibly removed!
I finished a psych paper at 3am, did spell check, but didn’t bother to proof read. I thought I turned in 10 pages on behavior management. What spellcheck had me turn in was 10 pages on beaver management. My prof probably peed himself laughing, but I still got an A.
Now what you should have done afterwards is write a short paper called behavior management and wrote about how to manage beavers and sent that to him
That sounded like an appropriate title for the topic direction she appeared to be going in.
Came here to say the same. Being a corrections officer sounds soul sucking.
Load More Replies...I walk around the whole store searching for an abandoned empty cart before going up front for one....
My boyfriend and I run into this issue more than we'd like to admit, doesn't help that they don't round up the carts very often at our local Walmart, so there's usually none inside and I don't want to grab one in the desert heat outside
Once made the mistake to say during a party with friends that I formated my hard drive... I have degrees in History and Geo. I just google and read a lot when I have a computer issu, please leave me alone, I don't have your answers!
Actually this might not be too far wrong LOL My husband has a PhD in Computer Science but knows jack diddly about computers LOL I'm the one who handles all the computer related stuff and my background is education!
Why do people think that someone they know with a vocation/talent should do stuff for free?
last night. mother: "well my computer is not - " me "ENOUGH WITH YOUR COMPUTER ALREADY"
Well, the fruit is much more often than not expired in some way and no longer sellable as food, and the stands are probably just enough to hold together for that take.
Load More Replies...My then boyfriend wakes me up in the middle of the night. "You were screaming! Did you have a nightmare?" He was clearly up to being the gallant warrior knight saving the damsel-in-distress. Me: "Uuuh, hmm, yawn, no, I don't think so ... but I think I was dreaming ... something ... oh ... yes ... I remember, it was a car chase - and I was driving the yellow getaway car ... and I turned right at a street corner ... on two wheels ... and the tyres screeched." Result: He got angry with me for creating the sound effect! C'est la vie!
Oh dear lord...scrolled through straight faced for almost 100 posts... got to this one... almost peed my pants and gave myself an asthma attack. Thank you!
I’d rather have the first husband. Not for the cuddles, but because it’s nice having help to get up in the morning.
to be honest I just want a husband. no a boyfriend forever alone :(
Load More Replies...Husband, children, and brothers and sisters, and they all learned the hard way to leave me alone in the morning until I'm human enough to talk. Screw the alarm and cuddling, wait until I can appreciate it.
I had one who used to get up early every morning and walk to the local donut shop, come home with two fantastic chocolate-nut frosted donuts and fine quality hot coffee for me, and time it perfectly for when I woke up.
In the midst of moving right now and have thought this many times!
I think my junk breeds in the corners, because I don't remember having that much stuff when I comes time to move
Ten. Boxes. Of. Fabric. And we won't discuss the boxes of books, and that was just my stuff. My husband's was a whole other matter. And this was cross country.
I have lots of t shirts, that's part of why I never have to iron anything
Because second day hair always looks the best, and washing / drying / styling takes forever and fundamentally changes the getting ready process.
Load More Replies...Your jobs a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA :)
Load More Replies...In 1937, Warner introduced its Alphabet Bra with four cup sizes (A, B, C, and D) to its product descriptions. Before long, these cup sizes got nicknames: egg cup, tea cup, coffee cup, and challenge cup, respectively.
I had a breast reduction, before that I lugged around two Home Depot Buckets.
Load More Replies...The same kind of man who designed the women's outfits on the original Star Trek.
Load More Replies...did anyone else start reading and wonder why a cup would be talking about swimsuits?
Even with a small chest this just looks like nip-slips waiting to happen.
And you must stand at the same awkward angle as the model to even make this remotely possible.
It was Daphne du Maurier that wrote "The birds", dear old Hitch got the idea from her. Now my literature nerdy self will get out of the door.
Load More Replies...Clowns being evil wasn't exactly invented by Stephen King
We're not talking about your Great-Aunt Nellie's pet finch though...this is a TALKING bird, that says the same thing over and over, and a particularly creepy phrase at that. Not to mention, a species that plucks the eyes and guts out of soldiers dying in the fields....
We will Knot be defeated; a simple knot makes the hair tie more snug, evil creature....
I had a guy I was kinda hooking up with tell me one day "See you look better with no make up!" Literally the only difference in my makeup routine that day was that I didn't have any eyeliner on... everything else (foundation, blush, eyeshadow, mascara) was the same. Honestly.
I'm a woman and I can't tell either. But that's probably because I never wear it. I honestly don't get why anyone would. If you are trying to impress non-make-up wearers, it's not working. And if you just like how you feel in it... how can that possibly be? It's SO uncomfortable!
Replacing the text is part of the meme: https://www.vox.com/2018/5/15/17351806/is-this-a-pigeon-anime-butterfly-meme-explained
Load More Replies...I love Vietnamese food but, even after a full meal with soup, appetizer, rice, and entree, about an hour later, I'm hungry again....
Yeah lemons are the most useful and versatile. Who would complain about life giving you lemons?!
i like my lemon sliced in my water as well as making a face scrub solution out of it.
Load More Replies...Chinese turnip cakes are awesome
Load More Replies...due to a medical condition i can't eat, drink or even look at lemons (also oranges and grapefruits). so much for inspirational metaphores
I can't figure out where the humor is in this, but... maybe it'll come to me
Don't count on it... unless you have low standards, too...
Load More Replies...False advertising fail, Bored Panda. How is this 'epic' and who the f**k is 'laughing out loud'? Lame and cringe-inducing, more like.
Unless she means his drunk a*s literally responded. That would be mildly amusing, if improbable.
Load More Replies...She was trying to break the ice, he melted it all with a verbal flame thrower.
In my early days, of a guy liked you, he tried to look up your dress after he pushed you down on the playground, as a result, I wore shorts under my dresses and skirts until I was 13, in case one of those a******s tried to do it again!
considering the kind of persons who've broken this to me, "miracle" is definitely not a word of choice.
-and then there's the creep who tied a dead possum spread eagle on my steering wheel one night. I'd never have known who or why except that he stopped me on the street years later, told me it was him and it was because I wasn't giving him any attention.
The best. The checkout counter equivalent of thinking people are waving at you, and you wave back, only to see them hugging the person who was next to you.
As a cyclist and auto commuter I appreciate both sides. But for heaven sake when you are riding your bicycle and there is plenty of room to ride safely on the shoulder, stay the hell out of the middle of the traffic lane so the cars can do 25+ instead of 10mph behind you!
I think he means he’s walking. “One step at a time with only my muscles.”
Load More Replies...It surprises me how little people in the US know about bike & road rules. In Germany we actually have bike school for elementary school kids. You learn the rules of the road and that you are supposed to follow all rules, just like any other vehicles. I.e. Going WITH traffic, not against. Having lights (front and back). Obeying stop lights and all street signs. And... yes, using the lane, like a normal vehicle. Not being squooshed against the side-walk, because a car is trying to pass you within the lane. I'm sorry: You're trying to pass a bike you're going to have to give plenty of room and go into the other lane. Like all vehicles. Rant over :)
Me too. In my case it's because they turned out to be as boring af. I am not only happy for them to find out about each other but hope it makes them realise they need to make more effort.
And life's too short for boring books so give them the kiss off. Except text books, of course, though I did have one that literally put me to sleep the minute I picked it up. Music history, of all things
Load More Replies...I used to read a bunch of books at the same time no problem. Now that I’m an adult I can’t even remember my own name.
I have 60+ in my "in progress" folder on my Kindle. I'm good at starting books, no so good at finishing them!
I, a 17 years old, humbly apologize on the behalf of all men and boys and deeply regret any inconvenience an insignificant d**k may have caused to you. We all laughed and are still laughing at the joke. Not all men are so f*****g basic.
Aw now, people tend to assume that others they are interacting with are fully focused on the interaction. But maybe this guy was preoccupied with a serious illness or death in the family, among a million other potential reasons why he didn't pick up on the minor joke. He may still be forced to engage in the day-to-day business of life, but is only able to give the bare minimum to getting it done.
If you are cutting out caffeine you have to do it slooow. Used to get severe weekend headaches because of how much I drank at work and not at weekends. Caffeine drinkers can now vote me down as much as they like. Feel way better without it.
I feel great without caffeine. I can go days without it. Unless I want to get out of bed.
Load More Replies...Why would this make the whole Internet laugh out loud? It's an utterly common, ordinary experience with no humorous elements, really. No.
Coffee is an extremely strong herb when roasted. Then it also becomes acidic - good environment for pathogens. It gets it's energy from you without replenishing any - so one can develop adrenal fatigue, sleep issues, etc. Loved the morning ritual ONLY because it gave me wife time as she was drinking coffee every morning for years and years before me. Now she is cutting it out for the first time in decades to help her sleep and lymph issues...
True! I was behind an old lady who had her electric wheelchair’s basket full with a 6 pack of beer, a bag of pretzels and some beef jerky. I was impressed. Told her so, and she turned around, noticed we were both wearing NY Football Giants shirts & high fived me. My new role model!
My grandmother drank two glasses of port every night before bed for decades. Her doctors all said it contributed much to her longevity and health.
Very good. Here's an exercise tip: Spanx, full circuit on and off, are the equivalent of half an hour of hard-core aerobics and weight training.
I will gladly remove my upvote from all the other posts in this thread and give it to this one!
My grandmother, who raised five daughters on a tight budget, lined their undergarment drawers with perfume ads. It's become a sort of tradition for the later generations of girls; when you get your first bra, you get to smell like Coco Mademoiselle or whatever mom's got in her magazines, but only under your clothes.
:) I don't know, wasn't her university sport the official rowing team screamer?
she probably has the maid have the baby for her
The worse part is having to fill it up again, don't know anyone who likes getting fuel.
On the upside, you do get to sniff gas fumes for a few minutes.
Load More Replies...In Mexico, the gas stations have employees that pump the gas for you so you just chill in your car while they fill you up, clean your windshield, check oil, tires etc. Rain or shine, its the best.
Try living in South Africa where the fuel/gas price goes up every month 😣
I lived in a neighborhood that had an old-school full-service gas station. I paid 20 cents more per gallon just because it was so great. They would check my tires including my spare, radiator, oil, brake and transmission fluid, belts, clean all the windows and side-mirrors, and check the windshield wiper blades and wipe them off. The place was on my route to/from work, and right next to the best neighborhood market. It was so easy and stress-free. I got to know the owner and employees, and they also did great oil changes and mechanic work. I wish all gas stations did this.
I believe Meowton meant that many emojis are reminiscent of actual facial expressions that humans make, while this one simply doesn’t, and it is not even good to look at, either.
Load More Replies...Manager has a point. Nobody should be finding out about something like that at work.
How is she not speaking, I mean, typing in English? Colloquialism and slang are still words, and are still English even if you're not familiar with them.
Load More Replies...i bought a mini succulent garden in a bowl, kept watering it once in a while until i found out it was plastic, took me weeks.
Visiting my family, mother decides I have to take one of my sea shells back with me. The. Biggest. One. The look on the TSA agents face when I tried explaining i collected them for years but left them when I had to move and my mother insisted I take it back with me...I gave up and just said "My mother...".
For those that are curious...it's the day that the last Russian Czar recognized female independence.
US are one of very few countries to write the date with the month first. To me that is the 3 August. Most countries use a size order of day, month, year or year, month, day. I cant find out why US don't. Anyone know?
I don’t know why. We are just weird here overall.
Load More Replies..."- I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed. But can you ever just be whelmed? - I think you can in Europe"
Maybe she's been made to feel ugly, worthless, or hopeless without lying about it?
It’s about plastic sugery, Like if they said I was just born with such a perfect nose then they might be lying.
If you’re vegan you kinda have to plan meals because otherwise the only readily available vegan foods are usually Asian / Chinese food restaurants or having to go all the way to the store when you only have a lunch break at work.
a lot of guys wouldn't know how to do that
Load More Replies...What I don't get with LOTR is all through the first two movies they are a long way away from Mt.Doom, half way through the third movie they are still a long way away and then suddenly they are there!
Im finishing reading the books, and I love the movies but they miss a lot of parts which leads to ypu thinking :( it's sad that we missed so many delightful details but if they added them, each movie would be twice as long
Load More Replies...Ah the joys of boobs! When I used to go out clubbing I came home and my necklace was gone, I was thinking aaah where's my necklace cause it was a birthday gift and then found it in my cleavage lol!
I'm flatchested so cant hide/find anything in my boobs
Load More Replies...Taking off your bra after going to the cinema leads to many surprises too...
Wore one on a 5 hour flight with kids in tow, not the best idea i’ve had.
Camping is like volunteering to be homeless and paying for it
Or have to go to the bathroom as soon as you get comfortable.
Why stand when you can sit? And why sit when you can lie down?
Load More Replies...Writing rage letters is therapy, you don't have to send it.... Sooo many Tweets have not been sent...
I wonder if a certain Resident of the United States has any unsent tweets.
Load More Replies...Who doesn’t like ranting! Love is when you find someone who hates the same things etc….
Not as interesting as it sounds. It's about how to raise ducks and make a profit. It is available on Amazon.
me watching great British bakeoff: she should have used unsweetened coconut! me baking at home: why the hell won't this chocolate marshmallow icing solidify?
If you're an End User License Agreement I haven't got time for you.
Why is anyone down voting this comment? Is it offensive or something??
Load More Replies...Lucky them. They have built in angst because of their competition. They don't need to manufacture drama to keep the heat up like the rest of us.
When I saw them skating earlier this year, I was SHOOK. They're amazing! ✨
For everyone else it's nearly september. Me, I'm stil in early March.
For me it's like "Oh, it must be the Olympics because Google changed their logo to something sporty."
You wouldn't think that "birch" would be such a commonly-used word as to come up in auto-correct at all.
Summer: no matter what time you get up or go to bed, the Sun is just out there judging you
I sleep through the night and if I wake up and see my alarm hasn't gone off yet, I go back to sleep.
Have that with some asparagus and you won't need an entire apartment, just one small room.
my friend who's a teacher had a similar incident w/one of her 8 year old students thinking her picture of Hugh Laurie was her husband. I'd be all "yeah, I wish, kid"
Mindy, maybe Kimmy just sees it as a development of language. Or just gets lazy moments too.
me: "i didn't do [stuff] I forgot since I must have lost the note" boss: "you should really try this planning app, we can also share the tasks" me: "seriously??? how the hell am i supposed to skip tasks by saying i lost the notes then???"
How about crossing it off, simply because it’s been on there too long and is no longer relevant?
And then on the third day, tupperware is plentiful - but there are no lids. On the fourth day, all lids - no tupperware.
It's so easy. Like this: 1. Introduction: Tell them what you are going to tell them. 2. Body of Essay: Tell them. 3. Conclusion: Remind them what you just told them.
It helps to be born into a family where that was the norm. Much harder otherwise, but has been done, millions of times.
If you'd ever been to a nude beach, you would realize how true this is.
an edible is a pot laced food. I'm this case, cookies.
Load More Replies...I laughed at your comment more then this post :D
Load More Replies...Does she think she’s supposed to act like an old fart in her 20’s? That’s... not accurate at all, to put it nicely.
I did with her dresses too--you'd have thought it burned me, I pulled my hand away so fast.
Was this taken during an earthquake? The blurry Picasso-esque nightmare where the face should be says yes, but the creepy dolls still perfectly upright on the shelves says no.......unless she nailed their feet to the shelves.......which seems more and more probable the longer I look at her.
I think probably it's one of those applications that distorts your photo like a funhouse mirror. Mac has one built-in, I believe.
Load More Replies...Half of my days off are in a normal work week. Every other week they're also on the full weekend. That's what happens with shift work.
In 44 years of employment only 5 of them did NOT include a Saturday and/or Sunday. Law enforcement is a 24/7/365 job.
Load More Replies...Take days off during the week and work on the weekend instead. That’s what I do and I couldn’t be happier about it.
The parents of the children I teach didn't really seem on board when I suggested it...
Load More Replies...Nah, life is like a roll of toilet paper - the closer to the end you get, the faster it unravels.
I got married on my birthday - I'd be upset if he forgot our anniversary - and there is no way anyone I know will forget my birthday, I count down for weeks.
me: age 10: I want Doritos age 15: I want Doritos age 20: I want Doritos age 25: I want Doritos age 30: I want Doritos
You're supposed to drink coffee when it's hot. Iced coffee is a desecration.
When I was in the hospital room after giving birth to our first child, my husband turns to me and says "Do you want me to go get you a cheeseburger?" I love this guy!!
i brought sushi to my friend after she gave birth :D (she's very fond of it)
Load More Replies...their music is so cheesy it actually BELONGS in crummy commercials
Did you also have a ten pound freezer bag of pineapple fried rice? They x-rayed it, probed it and swabbed it for explosives. I've never been looked at like that, by a man in uniform, in my life. Sorry TSA but I need that much food if my broke a*s is gonna survive the two seven hour flights and three hour layover to get home for Christmas.
no, the TSA creep grabbing your breasts is worse.
Load More Replies...I would love that. All we get is new pop and Spanish music, I need something new....
Load More Replies...I couldn't even stand abba when they were popular.
Sleeping hanging upside down like a bat is always tempting. Good hair and dying vs. flat and frizzy..hmmmm.
True.. going late at night is kinda nice though! Quiet and almost deserted!
Load More Replies...I don't know who half those people are and I wish I didn't know who the rest of them are.
Maybe they should install a revolving door on the staff entrance? And one of those humongous fire department pillows for soft landings when booted out.
Hey! Who downvoted someone still having piglet???? Kudos Darryl.
Load More Replies...First thought: Thomas Hardy was the author of a number of classics, including The Mayor of Casterbridge. I have now justified the $120,000 I spent for my English Lit degree. At last.
Ahh Tom Hardy! The only man I want, but only if he brings dogs! His wife is awesome as well, he could bring her, s**t they have kids too, I guess they can come. I am not about home wrecking!
My friend didn't know who Tom Hiddleston was. I was like 😨. But she's a DC comics fan. Hopefully she's more familiar with him, now that he's everywhere.
I know who he is, I just don't care.
Load More Replies...I googled him and he doesn’t look familiar at all. I don’t think I’ve seen any of his movies.
Welcome to the wide world of stereotypes. At least no one calls the police when they're eating in a Smith College break room or swimming in their apartment building pool or or or...
me and my friend all the time! spend a day at a spa, topped up with a humongous dinner and PLENTY of drinks :D
I think this has posted twice, but I love the comments on this one better...
who on their right mind would ask for a chip that crunches less. NOBODY, that's WHO
Chips you can eat in movie theaters and in bed in the middle of the night when you're not alone: how did I get grease stains on my pajamas?
Load More Replies...my microwave doesn't smell like hot dogs, largely because I've never cooked a hot dog in it
Perhaps it's a symptom. Like when people who are having a stroke smell toast.
That's me. I'm 22. If it's cold, my left knee hurts. If it's damp, my right knee hurts. Its my very own Pinkie Sense. A Painful Pinkie Sense.
Me too! I got some in a gift box, they were roasted and covered in chocolate truffle and dusted with cocoa powder, very moreish! And almonds Andrew good for you too so it's a win win 😊😋
My neighbors daughter was dating a young man who spent most of his time trying to prove how macho he was. One day he comes up to me and says "Check this out" as he removes his shirt and turns around so I can see his latest tattoo...his last name etched across his shoulders. I said "Oh good. Now it will be easy for the cops to ID the body." His shoulders went limp and he pulled his shirt down..walking away to the rolling laughter of his girlfriend.
I hate that everybody looks in any meaning where none is. I have 10 tattoos because they look nice and I wanted to have them, thats all. Nooo meaning whatsoever. It goes like this: "oohh this is beautiful, I want it."
Did you ever get one because you were feeling particularly good or proud about something? Some people reward themselves with ink, use them as timelines to represent something. So while the tattoo may not mean something as a symbol, the person getting one the night of their 21st or their first paycheck after paying off a huge debt so it felt like freemoney to splurge, may mean something. A ble butterfly may not mean something so obvious either, but your Mums fsvourite colour might also be blue and you once found a butterfly as a kid and it was a moment....our minds are funny that way. However or why ever, sometimes the question is interest in you and or your story, make up a different answer each time, could be lots of fun, more elaborate the better.
Load More Replies...That’s about as much thought as most parents give to this life-changing permanent commitment.
This makes me think of a video with the Swedish chef and the song Popcorn 😄
In the US portion sizes are ridiculous. Rather than lower prices and give reasonable portion sizes they just charge more and super size it. I'm genuinely too full for dessert. And have enough leftovers on my plate for lunch the next day. If you ask for a half sized portion, you'll get it. For full orice. Ugh
In the Roman Catholic church, being young and sweet is very dangerous for you.
It’s disgusting and it won’t fully catch on since the larger shapes / ray ban look is still in pop culture and magazines.
I have a small face. I look like a child wearing mum's sunglasses with those larger shapes. 😎
Load More Replies...I don't get it either.
Load More Replies...Guess it needs sound. OH is asleep and my earphones are buried at the back of my drawer.
I just wish it was more like Blades of Glory
Click on to her twitter feed for better ones. Hilarious. Might have to watch british tv to get it, not sure about that.
I can't, I'm not on twitter
Load More Replies...Well what are they supposed to do, put it back together? A broken ceiling is only interesting for like sixty seconds.
maybe get out of there, go sit on the stairs so the trains don't shake another chunk of ceiling on top of you?
Load More Replies...*Add, forgets to pee and you've narrated my entire life for the past 26 years.
sorry any guy you've been with is lousy in bed
In small to moderate doses of alcohol, the initial effects of alcohol act like a stimulant. How much do you drink??
What about Cancer? He seemed like a cancer. I don’t believe horoscopes, just playing along with what I know about the zodiac.
The fictional character Ross Eustace Geller (not Gellar) was born on October 18, 1967, which makes him a Libra. There seems to be no room for a joke.
Load More Replies...I'm a liberal woman who's older than 39 and I wouldn't want to go to Iceland.
yes, and they are 10 years younger than the girls who moved here because of "Sex and the City"
I understand why "Sex and the City" was such a popular show, its whole message was that it's easy to get lots of men even if you have a lousy personality and look like a shaved camel.
Load More Replies...I could not possibly care less about the royal wedding!
I f*****g hate that stereotype of women not being as funny as men. Which is obviously b******t. Like I'm sorry but the last I checked, women are human beings too. And being funny is a HUMAN trait.
Only humourless men claim that anyway. ♥ (the funny guys get our jokes)
Load More Replies...Ok, I guess there's some stereotype about women being less funny than men, which is why this article exists- but I haven't heard much about it. So why isn't there an article about hilarious men? We exist too. Just because we aren't a hot-button topic doesn't make us irrelevant.
You can write an article. There's always enough room for more jokes.
Load More Replies...I wish you could have named one other female comedian in the intro besides Carol Burnett. I used to love her when I was a little kid but I don't find her funny at all now, and there are so many others who are great.
Not as many female standup comics because it's a tough life, and men in that arena are known to be abusive and aggressive toward woman, much more than toward each other. Just the current stories are nothing compared to what's gone on over the years. Many women in the writing rooms of sitcoms, when they're not talked over (as in SNL.) Just not as visible.
Some ladies (like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, many more), have had this guy rolling on the floor with their hilarity! But I don't need to make it a point to approve whenever a woman attempts humor. I will let said woman's try at humor naturally cause me to laugh, fail to do so or do so moderately as it happens to. Women are well represented in comedy: Fey, Poehler, Wiig, Aubrey Plaza, Kate McKinnon, Broad City, Samantha Bee, Leslie Jones - these are just some examples of women in comedy given great opportunities, deservedly overall I'd say in those cases. Not much of an issue.
Yeah, your privilege is showing a bit. You can look at almost any media that looks at comedy and find yourself represented. You only came up with eight women who you meet your standards and there are a lot more than that out there. But they tend to get overshadowed by their male counterparts.
Load More Replies...most of these tweets are not even worth a grin, let alone a laughter... whatever
Why specify they were made by women? Surely that's counterproductive. This isn't what the suffragettes and others fought so fiercely for. It's ridiculous.
I f*****g hate that stereotype of women not being as funny as men. Which is obviously b******t. Like I'm sorry but the last I checked, women are human beings too. And being funny is a HUMAN trait.
Only humourless men claim that anyway. ♥ (the funny guys get our jokes)
Load More Replies...Ok, I guess there's some stereotype about women being less funny than men, which is why this article exists- but I haven't heard much about it. So why isn't there an article about hilarious men? We exist too. Just because we aren't a hot-button topic doesn't make us irrelevant.
You can write an article. There's always enough room for more jokes.
Load More Replies...I wish you could have named one other female comedian in the intro besides Carol Burnett. I used to love her when I was a little kid but I don't find her funny at all now, and there are so many others who are great.
Not as many female standup comics because it's a tough life, and men in that arena are known to be abusive and aggressive toward woman, much more than toward each other. Just the current stories are nothing compared to what's gone on over the years. Many women in the writing rooms of sitcoms, when they're not talked over (as in SNL.) Just not as visible.
Some ladies (like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, many more), have had this guy rolling on the floor with their hilarity! But I don't need to make it a point to approve whenever a woman attempts humor. I will let said woman's try at humor naturally cause me to laugh, fail to do so or do so moderately as it happens to. Women are well represented in comedy: Fey, Poehler, Wiig, Aubrey Plaza, Kate McKinnon, Broad City, Samantha Bee, Leslie Jones - these are just some examples of women in comedy given great opportunities, deservedly overall I'd say in those cases. Not much of an issue.
Yeah, your privilege is showing a bit. You can look at almost any media that looks at comedy and find yourself represented. You only came up with eight women who you meet your standards and there are a lot more than that out there. But they tend to get overshadowed by their male counterparts.
Load More Replies...most of these tweets are not even worth a grin, let alone a laughter... whatever
Why specify they were made by women? Surely that's counterproductive. This isn't what the suffragettes and others fought so fiercely for. It's ridiculous.
