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“AITA For Forcing My Wife To Choose Between Our Marriage And Having More Kids?”
Even when a couple plans how their family is going to look down to the last detail, it can change depending on the circumstances. Perhaps the parenting responsibilities feel too overwhelming, or on the opposite, having kids may seem like a breeze, so the size of the family they dreamed of shifts. But when partners aren’t on the same page about it, it can pose quite a challenge to their relationship.
A case in point is this couple, who started feeling quite the tension between them, as the wife really wanted to keep adding to their family while the husband firmly refused. The woman took all sorts of devices to get her spouse to agree, which pushed him to his limit, and he issued her an ultimatum.
RELATED:
When partners aren’t on the same page on how many children they want, it can significantly complicate their relationship
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
As it happened to this couple, since the wife wanted more babies but the husband firmly refused
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image source: EntryOk9946
When partners can’t agree on having more kids, it happens because they had a stressful experience last time around
Image credits: Toa Heftiba (not the actual photo)
When partners can’t agree on whether they should expand their family, this often happens for two main reasons, says licensed psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten. The first one being a stressful experience with a previous child. The experience may not have gone well because the baby could’ve been colicky, the parents had postpartum depression, they struggled with finances, and many other reasons.
In this case, one of the parents might want a new baby so that the experience goes better than last time, now that they have more confidence and experience in a parental role. While the other might be traumatized by the experience and want to move forward to the stage where their kids are already more independent so they can have more time as a couple.
The second main reason Dr. Whiten indicates for not agreeing with a partner about an expansion of the family is marital problems. “When there is marital discord at the heart of why one partner doesn’t want another baby, often this is because the couple might split up and one partner believes it would be worse to do this to more kids,” she explains.
When a couple finds themselves at a crossroads of whether to expand their family or not, Megan Kozak, a couples therapist, says partners should understand their own concrete reasons for wanting another child. Exploring this a bit more can help articulate it to the other person better.
“It’s really hard for most people to be able to explain it, because sometimes they don’t necessarily even know how to put the words around it themselves, or understand what matters so much. And it’s so fascinating as we start to dig into it a little bit and get curious rather than defensive,” she says. “If we’re able to lean in towards our partner and say, ‘Help me understand, because that doesn’t fit the picture that I had in my head. Where does that come from for you?’ there’s a real gift.”
“It requires a lot of communication to work through this issue of having more kids”
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Then, clinical psychologist Dr. Erika Doukas suggests exploring the pros and cons of having and not having more children. At the same time, try to understand where each partner is coming from, adds Victoria Woodruff, LMSW, MSW.
“Does one partner want more kids because they feel their biological clock is ticking? Do they feel pressure from family? Are they having trouble connecting to a child you already have? Do they not want to have kids because of financial stress, or because they are feeling overwhelmed, wanting some of that freedom they lost back?” she inquires.
“These are conversations that need to be had. If you can understand why your partner has the position they do and communicate yours, you are far more likely to come to an understanding.”
It’s very important that a couple comes to a unified agreement, as compromise can lead to resentment, says Stephanie Wjilkstrom, MS, LPC, MCC. That said, they don’t have to come to a decision immediately. Instead, they can talk about it over time, says Dr. Dana Dorfman, MSW.
“It requires a lot of communication to work through this issue of having more kids, and can be revisited at several points throughout the marriage, or over the course of childbearing years. People evolve and change as they develop and navigate different life stages. It’s very possible that on the heels of having a kid, one partner may feel very strongly about not having another, and then a year later, they’ll change their mind,” she says.
“If one partner is completely unwilling to discuss it at one point, but would be open to revisiting it in six months, there is value in setting a time to talk about it in six months, and that’s okay.”
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What do you think ?
Christina 6 months ago
She really needs to find a therapist and the reason that she won't do that is that she knows what they will say.
Kathy Brooke 6 months ago
The person who said she wants another BABY is spot on. When that one's a toddler this will start again. She needs therapy to address why she needs someone tiny and helpless, and why a stubborn toddler can't fill that void.
Cronecast AtTheRisingMoon 6 months ago
Seriously, the woman is abandoning all sense and reason, he can primarily ignore his child? That’s just insane, so much so if it isn’t a blatant lie to try and manipulate him, she genuinely needs help. And he needs to haul it with a quickness to get a vasectomy so the question is answered going forward.
Load More Replies...
Melissa Harris 6 months ago
From all the information presented she doesn't actually want a child but to be pregnant, and taken care of, again. She wants the attention and drama of being pregnant; even if her previous pregnancies were difficult. It's almost like munchhusens syndrome: she wants to be the centre of attention and unconditional support and love she received while pregnant and a new mother. She needs therapy and her refusal to go to couple councilling is a huge red flag. On some level she knows that what she's asking is untenable and crazy and a (good) therapist will force her to confront the real issue openly.
Littlemiss 6 months ago
The way she talks of using day care and family to basically raise the child and how he doesn't have to be hands on says a lot. As he states, he couldn't do that to the child. She's delusional and needs help. I would love another child but have come to terms with it not happening. Disappointing and hurts but I couldn't risk my other child's upbringing to make my dreams come true.
Load More Replies...
FranSinclair 6 months ago
Im with the person who commented about choosing to have another but sending them to day care 5 days a week and asking family to babysit...what the other 2? Maybe she should make sure everyone that will be caring for this child (while shes not) is on board too!
Nota Robot 6 months ago
There is no justification for bringing an additional child into an existing family where they are not wanted by both parents.
Load More Replies...
sturmwesen 6 months ago
you don't compromise on kids. if you are not both on board, you don't plan on another one.
Mari 6 months ago
I can understand both. He is happy with his 2 kids. She feels the need to have another baby. She has to keep in mind that our 'instict' is very strong. Nature wants to reproduce. I had the same feeling, I wanted more kids, another baby to love. My husband didn't want to and I accepted. Now 10 years later I am so glad that he took that decision. I didn't need another child, it was just my instinct and hormones telling me to have more childeren. Better to spoil my cat and treat him as a baby 😄
Mike F 6 months ago
I don't think it was so much a matter of being happy as he seems to be "complete" with the 2 kids and looking at it as being overwhelmed with the 3rd and that's fair. They seem to be coming at this from two different directions, his being that the family they have now is sufficient, he'd like to have more time for family while she apparently needs another child for fulfillment. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground as she has already told the OP that she will resent him if he doesn't acquiesce to her demand, that leaves no room for discussion. They need counseling to ascertain why she can't find fulfillment with her current family.
Load More Replies...
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago
No amount of therapy or counselling can make you a good person who cares about others. Therapy can only help you process things, and change behaviour to better achieve what you want. If you don't care about your own family to the point where you think it would be ok to plan a new life where the plan includes the father not loving that person as much as other children, because that's what her "compromise" was, then you don't care enough about other people to get anything out of therapy. Therapy can help you express love, to be more stable, to have more confidence, but it can't get you to love people you don't. The kids that are already born will need therapy though, because mom definitely doesn't care about them.
Load More Replies...
SkyBlueandBlack 6 months ago
She doesn't want kids, she wants babies. And attention. The kids are just accessories.
Deborah B 6 months ago
This guy's reasons are valid, and he's clear on his needs. He needs to proceed with the vasectomy, because he is done with having children. He should offer to go to therapy with her before or after, or both, but another child is a "two yes, one no" situation. Either they work through that, or she resents it, and they eventually divorce, but neither response changes his position. Rebook that vasectomy, and keep holding off on s*x until it's effective. She doesn't seem to want another family member - she's willing to compromise on the kid's care and emotional wellbeing, she just wants to get pregnant again and have another baby, regardless of the consequences to her relationship, current family, and the baby. Not a healthy desire, and it could be hormonal in nature. She should talk to her doctor, and to a therapist.
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago
Bringing a new person into the household needs an enthusiastic yea from all the adults. And if the reason you are having a child isn't because it will be more joy and because you want to share your wonderful family with someone else, wtf is wrong with you? Don't bring a child into a house of manipulation and resentment? Why does she want this child? She acts like it's a doll and won't be a person. Divorce now, give the other kids a better option than staying with her.
Christina 6 months ago
She really needs to find a therapist and the reason that she won't do that is that she knows what they will say.
Kathy Brooke 6 months ago
The person who said she wants another BABY is spot on. When that one's a toddler this will start again. She needs therapy to address why she needs someone tiny and helpless, and why a stubborn toddler can't fill that void.
Cronecast AtTheRisingMoon 6 months ago
Seriously, the woman is abandoning all sense and reason, he can primarily ignore his child? That’s just insane, so much so if it isn’t a blatant lie to try and manipulate him, she genuinely needs help. And he needs to haul it with a quickness to get a vasectomy so the question is answered going forward.
Load More Replies... Melissa Harris 6 months ago
From all the information presented she doesn't actually want a child but to be pregnant, and taken care of, again. She wants the attention and drama of being pregnant; even if her previous pregnancies were difficult. It's almost like munchhusens syndrome: she wants to be the centre of attention and unconditional support and love she received while pregnant and a new mother. She needs therapy and her refusal to go to couple councilling is a huge red flag. On some level she knows that what she's asking is untenable and crazy and a (good) therapist will force her to confront the real issue openly.
Littlemiss 6 months ago
The way she talks of using day care and family to basically raise the child and how he doesn't have to be hands on says a lot. As he states, he couldn't do that to the child. She's delusional and needs help. I would love another child but have come to terms with it not happening. Disappointing and hurts but I couldn't risk my other child's upbringing to make my dreams come true.
Load More Replies... FranSinclair 6 months ago
Im with the person who commented about choosing to have another but sending them to day care 5 days a week and asking family to babysit...what the other 2? Maybe she should make sure everyone that will be caring for this child (while shes not) is on board too!
Nota Robot 6 months ago
There is no justification for bringing an additional child into an existing family where they are not wanted by both parents.
Load More Replies... sturmwesen 6 months ago
you don't compromise on kids. if you are not both on board, you don't plan on another one.
Mari 6 months ago
I can understand both. He is happy with his 2 kids. She feels the need to have another baby. She has to keep in mind that our 'instict' is very strong. Nature wants to reproduce. I had the same feeling, I wanted more kids, another baby to love. My husband didn't want to and I accepted. Now 10 years later I am so glad that he took that decision. I didn't need another child, it was just my instinct and hormones telling me to have more childeren. Better to spoil my cat and treat him as a baby 😄
Mike F 6 months ago
I don't think it was so much a matter of being happy as he seems to be "complete" with the 2 kids and looking at it as being overwhelmed with the 3rd and that's fair. They seem to be coming at this from two different directions, his being that the family they have now is sufficient, he'd like to have more time for family while she apparently needs another child for fulfillment. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground as she has already told the OP that she will resent him if he doesn't acquiesce to her demand, that leaves no room for discussion. They need counseling to ascertain why she can't find fulfillment with her current family.
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago
No amount of therapy or counselling can make you a good person who cares about others. Therapy can only help you process things, and change behaviour to better achieve what you want. If you don't care about your own family to the point where you think it would be ok to plan a new life where the plan includes the father not loving that person as much as other children, because that's what her "compromise" was, then you don't care enough about other people to get anything out of therapy. Therapy can help you express love, to be more stable, to have more confidence, but it can't get you to love people you don't. The kids that are already born will need therapy though, because mom definitely doesn't care about them.
Load More Replies... SkyBlueandBlack 6 months ago
She doesn't want kids, she wants babies. And attention. The kids are just accessories.
Deborah B 6 months ago
This guy's reasons are valid, and he's clear on his needs. He needs to proceed with the vasectomy, because he is done with having children. He should offer to go to therapy with her before or after, or both, but another child is a "two yes, one no" situation. Either they work through that, or she resents it, and they eventually divorce, but neither response changes his position. Rebook that vasectomy, and keep holding off on s*x until it's effective. She doesn't seem to want another family member - she's willing to compromise on the kid's care and emotional wellbeing, she just wants to get pregnant again and have another baby, regardless of the consequences to her relationship, current family, and the baby. Not a healthy desire, and it could be hormonal in nature. She should talk to her doctor, and to a therapist.
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago
Bringing a new person into the household needs an enthusiastic yea from all the adults. And if the reason you are having a child isn't because it will be more joy and because you want to share your wonderful family with someone else, wtf is wrong with you? Don't bring a child into a house of manipulation and resentment? Why does she want this child? She acts like it's a doll and won't be a person. Divorce now, give the other kids a better option than staying with her.
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