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Wife Gives Husband An Ultimatum Over Stepdaughter, Shocked When He Chooses Divorce
Interview With ExpertStepparents working on establishing a bond with their stepchildren may want to make their relationship more formal at some point. One way to do this is to go through an adoption process. However, while making such a decision, it’s important to consider what’s best for the kid, the stepparent, and the biological parents.
This stepmother, unfortunately, pushed her wish to adopt her stepdaughter just so she no longer would have ties with her biological mom, who always pulls disappearing acts. But her partner refused to agree with her plan, which put their marriage in jeopardy.
Scroll down to find the full story and conversation with licensed couple and family therapist and founder of April Lancit & Associates, April Lancit, and licensed psychologist, anxiety coach for stepmoms and founder of The Anxious Stepmom, Michaela Bucchianeri, who kindly agreed to tell us more about stepparent adoption.
RELATED:
Adoption can strengthen stepfamily’s relationship and make it more formal, as long as everyone is on board
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels (not the actual photo)
However, in this case, the only one who was onboard with adoption was the stepmom, who even gave an ultimatum to her husband about it
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: GamingDadx9x1
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
“Adoption by a stepparent should be approached with care and deep reflection”
“Step-parenting is a unique and invaluable role that can leave an indelible mark on a child’s life. However, adoption by a stepparent should be approached with care and deep reflection,” said licensed couple and family therapist and founder of April Lancit & Associates, April Lancit, to Bored Panda.
She believes that it’s a bad idea for stepparents to adopt stepchildren when they aren’t fully committed. “Adoption is a lifelong commitment, not just a symbolic gesture. If the stepparent is uncertain about their readiness to embrace the role wholeheartedly, adoption may lead to complications or regrets down the line,” she explained.
Or when the stepparent’s heart isn’t in the right place. “If the motivation for adoption stems from unresolved personal issues—such as spite, anger, or the desire to exert control—this can create emotional strain for the child and lead to long-term challenges within the family dynamic,” notes Lancit.
Stepparents also should refrain from adopting when kids aren’t emotionally ready, Lancit says. “Children, especially those old enough to express their feelings, may have valid fears, concerns, or resistance about adoption. Forcing the process without addressing these emotions can create lasting resentment.”
An additional thing to think about is the biological parents, who might not be willing to give up their parental rights, says licensed psychologist, anxiety coach for stepmoms and founder of The Anxious Stepmom, Michaela Bucchianeri. “Adoption typically requires a biological parent to relinquish their rights. If this parent is actively involved in the child’s life or contests the adoption, proceeding may cause needless legal and emotional turmoil.”
Something that can help to navigate the complexities of blended families and foster a healthy, open dialogue is family therapy, Lancit says. “The decision to adopt should always be grounded in love, intention, and respect for the child’s well-being,” she stresses.
Image credits: Anna Shvets / Pexels (not the actual photo)
“The emphasis should be on ensuring the child feels valued and included in the decision-making”
Unlike the stepmother in this story, stepparents shouldn’t force or push a child towards adoption, Lancit says. “The child’s consent, where legally required or developmentally appropriate, is paramount in the adoption process. A child who is old enough to express their feelings must be given the opportunity to voice their thoughts, concerns, and emotions. Their perspective provides valuable insight into how the adoption might affect them emotionally and relationally.” If they’re forced into it, it can have harmful consequences, like feeling betrayed or alienated.
“Encourage adoption only if it aligns with the child’s desires and sense of stability. Pressure can lead to resentment or feelings of obligation, undermining the relationship. Instead of pushing, stepparents should foster open conversations, validating the child’s feelings and giving them the space to express their concerns or excitement about the idea of adoption,” suggests Bucchianeri.
To have an overall successful adoption process, stepparents should learn about the adoption, its legal requirements and emotional implications, Lancit suggests. “Knowledge empowers you to navigate challenges and prepare for potential obstacles.”
Bucchianeri also suggests considering “how adoption will impact relationships within the family, including the child’s connection to their biological parent(s) and extended family. Ensure both partners are on the same page about adoption, including the motivations and potential challenges.”
“Adopting a child means becoming their parent in every sense. This requires intentionality, the willingness to lead, and a commitment to act in the child’s best interest, even when the decisions are difficult. Family counseling can serve as a supportive space to address concerns, build trust, and ensure everyone is aligned in their expectations and goals for the adoption process,” says Lancit.
Lastly, Bucchianeri concludes by saying, “Above all, adoption should be based on a foundation of trust, love, and mutual respect. This shouldn’t be hurried or forced, so commit to taking it slowly and equipping yourself with the right education and support along the way. You and your stepfamily will be better for it!”
The father provided more information in the comments
Some readers seemed to be on the father’s side
And even provided him with a few suggestions
Meanwhile, others tried understanding both sides
Some readers thought that the father was wrong
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What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 10 months ago
The only thing I'd advise OP is that he needs to look into getting some kind of legal structure in place for what happens to Ella if he (OP) were to die suddenly/unexpectedly. I'm assuming that, since the stepmom is NOT a legal parent, Ella might go to her biological mother in the event of OP's death, and it sounds like bio mom is... not in a good place/ready to care for Ella in case of that happening. I don't know where OP lives or how the law works there, but maybe he could arrange for his parents/another relative to get custody of Ella in the event of his unexpected death.
Nils Skirnir 10 months ago
Not just custody, but also financials. If he dies intestate or leave all to his wife, the child will be totally bereft. Stepmother could legally abandon her
Load More Replies...
Alex Boyd 10 months ago
I'm confused by why the LW, wife, and most of the Redditors seem to think it's Ella and her father's choice whether Ella's mother loses her parental rights (thus making it possible for her stepmother to adopt her.). The biological mother's parental rights can only be terminated by a family court judge, and only if there are grounds to do so. If her rights are terminated, then it would be up to father and daughter and stepmother to decide about the stepparent adoption, but if the bio mom is popping in and out of the child's life, she presumably still has her parental rights.
Littlemiss 10 months ago
I think there's more to the story that's been left out. It seems far too cut and dry.
Load More Replies...
Jihana 10 months ago
I think I'm missing something here. It is not possible to remove the visitation rights from the mother but it is possible to adopt the child against the mothers will? If the child doesn't want to be adopted, and the mother doesn't want to lose her daughter, why is an adoption even possible, just because the father wants it?
E Menendez 10 months ago
No, you are correct. The father isn't giving the full story. If adoption was an option, court ordered visitation would not be, at least in the U.S. which I am assuming. So either he has chosen to allow visitation or he doesn't have full custody and his ex's parental rights have not been taken or relinquished. He may have chosen to allow visitation but he doesn't want to admit he is allowing it because it might upset his new wife. If he just denied visitation if indeed adoption is an "option" due to termination of parental rights, I think that would solve a lot of the issues. Either way, divorce is the best as he is putting his first daughter over the rest of his family including his other kids as his ex's behavior affects them too.
Load More Replies... LakotaWolf (she/her) 10 months ago
The only thing I'd advise OP is that he needs to look into getting some kind of legal structure in place for what happens to Ella if he (OP) were to die suddenly/unexpectedly. I'm assuming that, since the stepmom is NOT a legal parent, Ella might go to her biological mother in the event of OP's death, and it sounds like bio mom is... not in a good place/ready to care for Ella in case of that happening. I don't know where OP lives or how the law works there, but maybe he could arrange for his parents/another relative to get custody of Ella in the event of his unexpected death.
Nils Skirnir 10 months ago
Not just custody, but also financials. If he dies intestate or leave all to his wife, the child will be totally bereft. Stepmother could legally abandon her
Load More Replies... Alex Boyd 10 months ago
I'm confused by why the LW, wife, and most of the Redditors seem to think it's Ella and her father's choice whether Ella's mother loses her parental rights (thus making it possible for her stepmother to adopt her.). The biological mother's parental rights can only be terminated by a family court judge, and only if there are grounds to do so. If her rights are terminated, then it would be up to father and daughter and stepmother to decide about the stepparent adoption, but if the bio mom is popping in and out of the child's life, she presumably still has her parental rights.
Littlemiss 10 months ago
I think there's more to the story that's been left out. It seems far too cut and dry.
Load More Replies... Jihana 10 months ago
I think I'm missing something here. It is not possible to remove the visitation rights from the mother but it is possible to adopt the child against the mothers will? If the child doesn't want to be adopted, and the mother doesn't want to lose her daughter, why is an adoption even possible, just because the father wants it?
E Menendez 10 months ago
No, you are correct. The father isn't giving the full story. If adoption was an option, court ordered visitation would not be, at least in the U.S. which I am assuming. So either he has chosen to allow visitation or he doesn't have full custody and his ex's parental rights have not been taken or relinquished. He may have chosen to allow visitation but he doesn't want to admit he is allowing it because it might upset his new wife. If he just denied visitation if indeed adoption is an "option" due to termination of parental rights, I think that would solve a lot of the issues. Either way, divorce is the best as he is putting his first daughter over the rest of his family including his other kids as his ex's behavior affects them too.
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