Guy Goes Viral For Reducing Wife’s Mental Load, Internet Demands Husbandry Classes Immediately
Probably everyone on the side of relationship or parenting TikToks knows what “the mental load” is by now. It’s all the day-to-day planning and decision-making that helps make a family’s life run smoothly. And because we still live in a patriarchy (unfortunately), this thinking and planning is usually done by women.
But there’s always bound to be exceptions to the rule. To show how men can take some of that load off their partners’ shoulders, one dad took to TikTok. Michael Vaughn, aka World Shaker, shared the small steps he takes to help his wife with the mental load while he’s away.
Typically, women take on more of the mental load in the household. But one dad went on TikTok to share small ways in which men can help their partners
Image credits: ArseniiPalivoda (not the actual image)
“Reducing the mental load for your partner is not just about when you’re in the house, it’s also about when you’re out of it”
Image credits: world.shaker
“I have to leave for a conference for six days. And that means my partner gets 100% of the child responsibilities and the household responsibilities. She says she doesn’t mind, but I know it’s a lot, so here are some simple things I’m doing now to help her later when I won’t be here. Earlier, I vacuumed the house so she could start with clean floors, washed and folded all the laundry so that she could start with no clothes. (That did not come out the way I intended.)”
Image credits: world.shaker
Image credits: world.shaker
“After I put our oldest to bed, I’m going to do the dishes so she can have clean dishes. Since I usually pack our toddler’s lunch, I pre-pack parts of it so it’s just grab and go in the morning.”
Image credits: world.shaker
“And since she’s going to have to wrangle both kids in the morning, I put together 5 outfits for our toddler. By the way, for the partners watching this who don’t usually put together outfits for their kids, it’s not that simple. It’s not just about what matches or looks nice together. I looked at the weather report to base these outfits. Like, Wednesday is a light shirt and pants because it’s going to be warm and it’s not going to rain, so they’ll be out on the playground. Friday, it’ll be cold, so a heavier pant, a long-sleeved T-shirt and a sweatshirt.”
Image credits: world.shaker
“And I booked a hotel room for her so she can have some time to herself after I get back. I’m not trying to grandstand. These are small things with big impact.”
Image credits: world.shaker
Image credits: world.shaker
The creator prompted a discussion that men can and should contribute more when it comes to household planning and worrying
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual image)
The man’s video went viral – it currently has over 3 million views on TikTok
@world.shaker Reducing #mentalload outside the house #fairplay #relationship #relationships #marriage #parents #parenting #kids ♬ original sound – World Shaker
A quick reminder on what the mental load actually is
Bored Panda previously asked life coach and educator Laura Danger about what we consider the mental load. She described it as “the decision-making, planning, and organizing that goes into keeping our lives together.”
Let’s take dinner as an example. If you’re planning a meal, you have to consider your family’s food preferences. Allergies, schedules, dietary restrictions and needs all fall into this category. All things the person carrying the mental load has to consider.
“The mental load is making sure all the boxes are checked off and also that each task interacts just the right way with all the other tasks. Our lives are like big machines and it takes mental labor to fit all the gears together,” Danger told us back then.
She also said that our society feminizes domestic labor. In reality, women are simply taught to do it because that’s the expectation. They’re not born with some innate talent for doing housework better. “Gender has nothing to do with how well someone does it. It’s learned,” she told Bored Panda.
Research shows that women do more. But what exactly is it that they’re doing more of?
Sociologist Allison Daminger published a paper in 2019 and broke down the mental load into four parts. Anticipate, identify, decide and monitor. Let’s take the family dinner again as an example to better understand these parts.
“Anticipate” is realizing we need to start thinking about dinner because the family will be hungry. “Identify” is going through dinner options that best suit the needs of every family member. “Decide” is pretty self-explanatory – selecting one or another meal. And “monitor” would mean to get everyone to the dining table.
The goal of Daminger’s research was not to just prove women do more of the cognitive labor. She wanted to find out what things in particular fall on the shoulders of women in the household. According to her study, women tend to do the “anticipate” and “monitor” parts. “Identify” and “decide” most often are a joint effort.
The TikTok dad shares some great examples to reduce the mental load for his partner. Here are some other ways
The first step to start dividing the mental load between both partners is to have a conversation. It can be hard to talk about it without criticizing or attacking. So finding the right language is important.
David Schramm gives an example of what to say: “I often feel exhausted and mentally tired. I’ve recently read about what it may be stemming from – it’s called ‘worry work,’ and I’d love to share what I’ve been experiencing.”
When it comes to dividing the tasks, being explicit is important. Don’t be afraid to get extra specific. Daminger gives an example: “If one partner is in charge of laundry, does that also mean that they’re responsible for monitoring the supply of detergent?”
Relationships Australia reminds us that technology can be our friend. You can use apps for planning and delegating housework tasks to make it easier. Sweepy, Todoist, Spotless and Maple are just a few examples.
Relinquishing control is the last piece of advice. Even if you feel like the housework is not done up to your standards, learn to trust other people in the family. Criticizing or correcting may discourage people from fully engaging in household tasks, Schramm writes. So patience here is key.
People in the comments – mostly ladies – were happy to see a dad taking some initiative
Super depressing that a man just acting like a decent partner and human being is being lorded as some kind of hero and someone who should teach "husband classes". This should just be the norm, women do this shït literally every day and don't get a fücking round of applause for it. No hate to this guy specifically, he's great, but "man does fair share of household chores" should not be noteworthy or praiseworthy.
The bar is so low that you'd need a shovel to find it.
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This should not be the exception. This should be the rule! My husband and I divide the household chores and also the thought load. He cooks 3 nights a week, which means he also plans the meal and does the grocery shopping. He organises the children's music lessons and I organise their sports. He does the laundry, I do the vacuuming etc etc. At the end of the day we both clean the kitchen and do chores together and when they are done, we both sit down to enjoy time together. We both take occasional weekends for ourselves relax or pursue hobbies and he gifts me a hotel stay for myself every mother's day. This is teamwork.
Does your husband have an eligible brother??
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Wondering if BP feels really grown-up when they commit adultery.
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This is really sweet and all but isn't this just how it should be if you're in a household together, you split the chores? Also don't hoover before you've dusted or cleaned surfaces higher up, or you'll have to re-hoover everything
Yes, it seems like doing your fair share is what’s applauded here. It’s really sad that this isn’t the norm.
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I can share that if I do the laundry, floors and food while earning a lot more than my male partner, I do not get the same positive response.
I dont think HE was looking for cred, rather he is making a pointed comment about how c**p too many men still are at being an adult in a relationship. But you are correct. If anything women who make more money get frowned upon.
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I think that most men don't consider the 'mental load' - like remembering birthdays/doc appointments/dinner menus are an actual thing. They seem to think only in actual physical-effort terms. Most partners that take on these duties would excel at being executive aides.
This. My husband sees headlines and titles like "Meal planning" and he's like "Just plan your meals! It's so easy and we waste less food and save money." Sure, that's the goal but he has NO IDEA what that entails. In addition to "The kids need to eat more meat and veggies. Give them more." like if I put it on a plate in front of young kids, they will just **eat** it 😂
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My wife has been travelling for work a week / month leaving me with a 2,5YO and 6 months twins. She ´d try to do that to some extent
Looking at the comments on the op, I'm not sure some people know what "husbandry"...hint, it's not marriage related.
Well, I mean it sorta is... from the perspective of the animal?
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Husbandry is the care and breeding of crops and animals. Don't use words if you don't understand what they mean.
This honestly just seems like basic normal stuff everyone in a relationship should do...
As a grown man, how lazy are some of my peers? Damn. These are all normal things. The hotel at the end though shows their wealth. That is crazy to me. Yes, it is 6 days, but one or 2 kids? C'mon. They are in school and you have them for maybe 4 or 5 hours in the afternoon/evening. Assuming she works too. But the hotel thing is an option most people don't have at their whim.
You would be amazed how lazy adult men can be. When I divorced my husband I was doing literally 100% of the work: I worked full time; I did all the cooking and cleaning; I paid 100% of the bills from my salary... While he, by his own admission, "was in no rush to find a job", and even once he did find employment spent all of his money on his own hobbies to the point where asking him to pitch in for things resulted in whining that he didn't have the dough; he'd only cook or clean when I asked him to, like a child rather than an adult man; and the only time he seemed to remember I existed was when he wanted/needed something from me, my needs never seemed to occur to him. And my experience isn't even that unusual.
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My husband is like this guy. After almost dying giving birth to our son, he took on everything. We now share the chores, share responsibility and look after each other. I wish there were more partners like this.
yet husbandry has nothing to do with being a (decent) husband
I'm the "mom" in this scenario, though my title is apparently "big, strong, motor mouth" dad, as I recently found out. (Primary caregiver to a deaf daughter) mom pays the bills, dad makes ends meet in my case, just about every part hit home for me.
Someone needs to rethink what they're calling these classes. hus·band·ry /ˈhəzb(ə)ndrē/ noun 1. The care, cultivation, and breeding of crops and animals.(*note: ok, I can see the relation between animal care and child care, I know mine acted like animals at times! LOL!!*) "crop husbandry"
What sort of one sided relationships is this world having? I thought this was the general rule for relationships. You work off a 50/50 system especially if your both working. If your not then you communicate until you find a happy middle ground.
What world are you living in where this is the norm? In most countries, it's the rule rather than the exception that the woman in a heterosexual relationship winds up shouldering the majority of housework, cooking, childcare, etc. even if both she and the man work the same number of hours per week.
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The mental load is a big thing. I don't work full time and over the years my husband's responsibilities seem to have dropped off to taking out the rubbish and recycling and washing the dishes once a week when it's my daughter's turn to cook (otherwise she does the dishes). Planning meals for a week, week after week, is the worst. I thought about having some people over for a BBQ recently, then decided it was too much effort. "I'll cook!" he says, as if cooking (only the meat) is the hard part. :-D
Household work breaks you? Try being single, working, and doing work around the house on my own. Responsibility
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I'm dating a man right now who loves to clean the house, fix things, grocery shopping, cook, do laundry, so much so that he asks not to be disturbed when I try to help. Lol. He tells me to go watch movies. He has his faults but reading some posts here makes me a lot more appreciative of him!
Wow and also so sad that it takes a video to show men how to be thoughtful and a great partner and dad xx
As someone with a six month old, a sixth year old, and a SO who's out of town 5-6 days a week, this makes me so happy for his wife. I very much feel like a single mom, and to be honest I have no idea how women do it.
Okay, but 'husbandry' = the care, cultivation, and breeding of crops and animals
Yes, I am bitter. So many of us were sold the idea of equal partnerships only to realise that once kids come along, it all goes to s**t. Feminism, for most women, is a dream that dies with motherhood.
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During the turmoil of the years past. One thing always mattered to me. Was my Wife and partner okay? she worked AND took care of the kids and house and my business finances so easily, it seemed. So, when I could I sent her on Vacations while I stayed home and did her job! Let me tell you! She got BIGGER monthly Bonuses a whole lot more after that! I even had her teach me how to take care of her clothes.(Washing,folding and putting away properly) Household chores,No way I would let her do that and work too! She's gone 25 years now and YES I still miss her. She was my anchor in a ShitStorm of things called Life. We had a true partnership from the day I asked her, WILL YOU Be MY Wife???
It's called responsibility. If she's not working, household duties and looking after your child which is a responsibility, not a job, isn't as physically exhausting as busting your butt at work doing actual physical labor. I don't get this whole, "looking after my kid is killing me and folding clothing is breaking my back" act. I work then do more work around the house. I'm still alive.
We actually have the reverse issue in my household. My father was the one earning the money, taking care of my brother and I, cooking dinners, making plans, etc. My mother did spring cleaning once a year...sometimes cooked for my brother and I...and that was about it. Fathers out there, please listen up. Your children see these things. They know what's going on. If you act like an entitled a*****e, your children will either grow to be just like you or to resent you. I grew up to resent my mother. She ruined my childhood, my adulthood will be ruined because of her, and there is no love there. Step up and be a parent. Your actions have consequences, and sometimes, those consequences last you the rest of your life.
Husbandry is the care of animals and farms. Step on your wee-wee on that one.
I'm getting real sick of these men that have to film themselves and post it on that awful tiktok app talking about how great they are. Tiktok posts are ruining this site. These men are just looking for me-me-me attention, and it's all so very boring.
Hey, maybe if we get more of this type of "me-me-me" attention seeking there will be less misogynistic Tater Tots around and we can improve as a society
Load More Replies... Super depressing that a man just acting like a decent partner and human being is being lorded as some kind of hero and someone who should teach "husband classes". This should just be the norm, women do this shït literally every day and don't get a fücking round of applause for it. No hate to this guy specifically, he's great, but "man does fair share of household chores" should not be noteworthy or praiseworthy.
The bar is so low that you'd need a shovel to find it.
Load More Replies... This should not be the exception. This should be the rule! My husband and I divide the household chores and also the thought load. He cooks 3 nights a week, which means he also plans the meal and does the grocery shopping. He organises the children's music lessons and I organise their sports. He does the laundry, I do the vacuuming etc etc. At the end of the day we both clean the kitchen and do chores together and when they are done, we both sit down to enjoy time together. We both take occasional weekends for ourselves relax or pursue hobbies and he gifts me a hotel stay for myself every mother's day. This is teamwork.
Does your husband have an eligible brother??
Load More Replies... Wondering if BP feels really grown-up when they commit adultery.
Load More Replies... This is really sweet and all but isn't this just how it should be if you're in a household together, you split the chores? Also don't hoover before you've dusted or cleaned surfaces higher up, or you'll have to re-hoover everything
Yes, it seems like doing your fair share is what’s applauded here. It’s really sad that this isn’t the norm.
Load More Replies... I can share that if I do the laundry, floors and food while earning a lot more than my male partner, I do not get the same positive response.
I dont think HE was looking for cred, rather he is making a pointed comment about how c**p too many men still are at being an adult in a relationship. But you are correct. If anything women who make more money get frowned upon.
Load More Replies... I think that most men don't consider the 'mental load' - like remembering birthdays/doc appointments/dinner menus are an actual thing. They seem to think only in actual physical-effort terms. Most partners that take on these duties would excel at being executive aides.
This. My husband sees headlines and titles like "Meal planning" and he's like "Just plan your meals! It's so easy and we waste less food and save money." Sure, that's the goal but he has NO IDEA what that entails. In addition to "The kids need to eat more meat and veggies. Give them more." like if I put it on a plate in front of young kids, they will just **eat** it 😂
Load More Replies... My wife has been travelling for work a week / month leaving me with a 2,5YO and 6 months twins. She ´d try to do that to some extent
Looking at the comments on the op, I'm not sure some people know what "husbandry"...hint, it's not marriage related.
Well, I mean it sorta is... from the perspective of the animal?
Load More Replies... Husbandry is the care and breeding of crops and animals. Don't use words if you don't understand what they mean.
This honestly just seems like basic normal stuff everyone in a relationship should do...
As a grown man, how lazy are some of my peers? Damn. These are all normal things. The hotel at the end though shows their wealth. That is crazy to me. Yes, it is 6 days, but one or 2 kids? C'mon. They are in school and you have them for maybe 4 or 5 hours in the afternoon/evening. Assuming she works too. But the hotel thing is an option most people don't have at their whim.
You would be amazed how lazy adult men can be. When I divorced my husband I was doing literally 100% of the work: I worked full time; I did all the cooking and cleaning; I paid 100% of the bills from my salary... While he, by his own admission, "was in no rush to find a job", and even once he did find employment spent all of his money on his own hobbies to the point where asking him to pitch in for things resulted in whining that he didn't have the dough; he'd only cook or clean when I asked him to, like a child rather than an adult man; and the only time he seemed to remember I existed was when he wanted/needed something from me, my needs never seemed to occur to him. And my experience isn't even that unusual.
Load More Replies... My husband is like this guy. After almost dying giving birth to our son, he took on everything. We now share the chores, share responsibility and look after each other. I wish there were more partners like this.
yet husbandry has nothing to do with being a (decent) husband
I'm the "mom" in this scenario, though my title is apparently "big, strong, motor mouth" dad, as I recently found out. (Primary caregiver to a deaf daughter) mom pays the bills, dad makes ends meet in my case, just about every part hit home for me.
Someone needs to rethink what they're calling these classes. hus·band·ry /ˈhəzb(ə)ndrē/ noun 1. The care, cultivation, and breeding of crops and animals.(*note: ok, I can see the relation between animal care and child care, I know mine acted like animals at times! LOL!!*) "crop husbandry"
What sort of one sided relationships is this world having? I thought this was the general rule for relationships. You work off a 50/50 system especially if your both working. If your not then you communicate until you find a happy middle ground.
What world are you living in where this is the norm? In most countries, it's the rule rather than the exception that the woman in a heterosexual relationship winds up shouldering the majority of housework, cooking, childcare, etc. even if both she and the man work the same number of hours per week.
Load More Replies... The mental load is a big thing. I don't work full time and over the years my husband's responsibilities seem to have dropped off to taking out the rubbish and recycling and washing the dishes once a week when it's my daughter's turn to cook (otherwise she does the dishes). Planning meals for a week, week after week, is the worst. I thought about having some people over for a BBQ recently, then decided it was too much effort. "I'll cook!" he says, as if cooking (only the meat) is the hard part. :-D
Household work breaks you? Try being single, working, and doing work around the house on my own. Responsibility
Load More Replies... I'm dating a man right now who loves to clean the house, fix things, grocery shopping, cook, do laundry, so much so that he asks not to be disturbed when I try to help. Lol. He tells me to go watch movies. He has his faults but reading some posts here makes me a lot more appreciative of him!
Wow and also so sad that it takes a video to show men how to be thoughtful and a great partner and dad xx
As someone with a six month old, a sixth year old, and a SO who's out of town 5-6 days a week, this makes me so happy for his wife. I very much feel like a single mom, and to be honest I have no idea how women do it.
Okay, but 'husbandry' = the care, cultivation, and breeding of crops and animals
Yes, I am bitter. So many of us were sold the idea of equal partnerships only to realise that once kids come along, it all goes to s**t. Feminism, for most women, is a dream that dies with motherhood.
Load More Replies... During the turmoil of the years past. One thing always mattered to me. Was my Wife and partner okay? she worked AND took care of the kids and house and my business finances so easily, it seemed. So, when I could I sent her on Vacations while I stayed home and did her job! Let me tell you! She got BIGGER monthly Bonuses a whole lot more after that! I even had her teach me how to take care of her clothes.(Washing,folding and putting away properly) Household chores,No way I would let her do that and work too! She's gone 25 years now and YES I still miss her. She was my anchor in a ShitStorm of things called Life. We had a true partnership from the day I asked her, WILL YOU Be MY Wife???
It's called responsibility. If she's not working, household duties and looking after your child which is a responsibility, not a job, isn't as physically exhausting as busting your butt at work doing actual physical labor. I don't get this whole, "looking after my kid is killing me and folding clothing is breaking my back" act. I work then do more work around the house. I'm still alive.
We actually have the reverse issue in my household. My father was the one earning the money, taking care of my brother and I, cooking dinners, making plans, etc. My mother did spring cleaning once a year...sometimes cooked for my brother and I...and that was about it. Fathers out there, please listen up. Your children see these things. They know what's going on. If you act like an entitled a*****e, your children will either grow to be just like you or to resent you. I grew up to resent my mother. She ruined my childhood, my adulthood will be ruined because of her, and there is no love there. Step up and be a parent. Your actions have consequences, and sometimes, those consequences last you the rest of your life.
Husbandry is the care of animals and farms. Step on your wee-wee on that one.
I'm getting real sick of these men that have to film themselves and post it on that awful tiktok app talking about how great they are. Tiktok posts are ruining this site. These men are just looking for me-me-me attention, and it's all so very boring.
Hey, maybe if we get more of this type of "me-me-me" attention seeking there will be less misogynistic Tater Tots around and we can improve as a society
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