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Mom Receives A Letter From Teen Daughter Threatening No-Contact, Ignores It And Lets It Happen
It’s not uncommon for children in the foster care or adoption system to maintain contact with their biological parents. In fact, a 2012 study found that 95% of adoptive families maintain at least some form of contact with the biological parents. But what if the child is the one who wants to cut the contact?
This 17-year-old planned to do just that upon turning 18. According to her, her biological mother showed not enough enthusiasm to spend time with her and her sister. She would cancel or reschedule meetings constantly, prompting the teen to write her a letter with an ultimatum: either she shows more effort, or she loses her biological daughter forever.
RELATED:
A teen decided to cut contact with her biological mother when she wouldn’t show her enough attention
Image credits: Juan Diavanera/Pexels (not the actual photo)
However, her younger sister got mad about it and begged her to reconsider
Image credits: cottonbro studio/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Confident-Ad5730
Later, the mother replied to the teen in a letter, but it wasn’t the response she expected
Image credits: Karola G/Pexels (not the actual photo)
After some time, u/Confident-Ad5730 came back with an update. The teen wrote that, after she came back from her trip, her mother finally sent her a letter. In it, she expressed that she felt sad to be such a little part of the girls’ lives and didn’t get to express her emotions during the arranged meetings.
“She told me in that letter that my brothers would be very sad if I just didn’t come to the meetings anymore,” the teen wrote in the update. “She also told me that she just thinks that she’s not a good mom for us and it would be best if she was a good friend to us and she hopes she sees me at the next meeting.”
The letter left the teen feeling confused and hurt. She confided in other netizens that she doesn’t know what to do. She didn’t want to go to the next meeting, but felt that she had respond somehow.
The commenters didn’t show much empathy for the mother. “Sounds like she’s making excuses and blaming everything but her,” one Redditor wrote. “She clearly doesn’t love you or really care if she thinks seeing once in four months is enough and if she thinks it acceptable to act like [you’re] a burden and asking too much for her to bother attending even those few visits.”
Others speculated that it was the bio mom’s way of putting on a show for her new husband and younger kids. “This way, when you cut contact [because] she only disappoints you over and over again, she can blame you for not giving her a chance.”
“Clearly, she doesn’t really care about you,” another commenter wrote. “And clearly you don’t owe her anything.”
In another update, the teen’s biological dad made an appearance
Image credits: cottonbro studio/Pexels (not the actual photo)
In a subsequent update, the teen sought advice on what to do about her and her sister’s biological dad wanting to meet. “He’s been absent for almost 16 years of my life now and now that I’m almost an adult (I’m turning 18 next month) he wants to reconnect but I don’t feel like letting him into my life or having a conversation with him at all.”
The teen’s foster parents told her it was her decision whether she would see him or not. And so did the commenters; many sympathized with her and told her it was okay to refuse if she still couldn’t forgive him for what he’d put her through as a baby.
One commenter speculated that the father might’ve want to come back into the picture because the hardest part of raising his kids was over. “He now wants to swoop in and demand respect and obedience from you,” u/TheQuietType84 wrote. “If he gets that respect and obedience from you, then, in his mind, he can believe he’s a good person and a good father and that the past doesn’t matter at all.”
Other commenters recommended the teen do what her gut was telling her. “If you have hesitation then don’t see him. You don’t owe either bio parent anything,” one user wrote.
“But sometimes it’s good to have closure in relationships or ask the questions you’re asking yourself!” another offered with different advice.
The commenters sided with the teen: “This wasn’t ‘your’ choice, but [your] bio-mom’s choice”
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What do you think ?
JoMeBee 2 months ago
OP is very fortunate that she won the foster system lottery. I completely agree with the comments that state that it shouldn't be up to the child to maintain the relationship and you can only set yourself up for hurt so many times. OP is doing what she needs for her own wellness; I hope she finds peace with her decision.
Zoe Vokes 2 months ago
NTA but there are always people like sister who live in hope about what their relationship with their parent could be. They ignore all bad behaviour, missed meetings and neglect because they want the love of that parent so badly. Their bio mother barely wants to see them once a year. It’s terrible that OP’s sensible decision to protect herself is negatively affecting her relationship with sister.
brittany 2 months ago
exactly. i am no contact ith my bio mom and yet i will admit there will always be a small part of me that hopes she'll want to be a good mom some day
Load More Replies...
FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
NTJ or TA. Everyone has to figure out for themselves what they want from their parents, and how they will respond to what they actually get. Wiring a thoughtful letter was a good way to address what OP wants, and what she's willing to accept. Sister is going to have to figure out her own boundaries. It sounds like she's upset with the situation, but the only one to yell at is OP because bio mom isn't around. It's really hard when you have always felt like it's you and your siblings against the world and then theres a major issue when you aren't a united front OP needs to reassure her they are still a team , but they don't have the same take on this
brittany 2 months ago (edited)
i cant imagine 1) being so bad that cps took my kids away and b) not fighting like hell to get them back. she nevr regained custody of her kids. her oldest was taken at 3 years old and is now 17 going on 18. that means they have been living in foster care for 14 years. in 14 years their mother couldnt get her act together to get her kids back, instead getting pregnant with 2 new kids? her priority should have been being a better person and parent for the children she already had, not going off to make more.
Deborah B 2 months ago
It sounds like OP and Bio were almost NC anyway - This was just OP saying "I'm going to stop trying, because you don't seem interested." The drawbacks are having it be harder to keep in contact with her brothers, and conflict with her sister. She's going to have to live with that, but it doesn't make her wrong for stopping investing in a relationship with her bio mom. One thing I would urge her to do would be to seek therapy, if she hasn't already, to work through her own issues, before trying to have a long term romantic relationship or children of her own. Early childhood trauma, neglect and abandonment leave psychological scars, and it can really damage your ability to build healthy relationships and be a good parent.
Emilu 2 months ago
Absolutely NTA. OP sounds like an intelligent young lady with a good head on her shoulders. Her sister’s choice is her sister’s choice; as does OP get to make her own decision on who to keep in her life. You can only be shown you’re unwanted so many times before you say “well, eff that, I’m not a doormat”.
Laserleader 2 months ago
They are totally justified in cutting contact. My parents individually tortured their children with all kinds of a***e. Once I was an adult they did absolutely nothing to show they wanted to be a part of my life, and would contact me occasionally for Christmas or a Holiday simply because I was one of seven kids they had. They refused any attempts I made to communicate because all I asked was for them to tell the truth, but both were such manipulative liers they couldn't admit the truth. My dad died and it was an amazing relief, and when my mom passes we will have to dig her out of her hoard, which she cares about far more than any of her children.
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
Sister and friend sound very young and immature. You have to make your own choices. If she wants to be a s**t about it, you can take a break from her as well.
Vinnie 2 months ago (edited)
Did you find it hard to understand the sentences? One of my colleagues has trouble reading long sentences. I use short sentences that she can easily read. I use bullet points and numbered lists for instructions.
Load More Replies... JoMeBee 2 months ago
OP is very fortunate that she won the foster system lottery. I completely agree with the comments that state that it shouldn't be up to the child to maintain the relationship and you can only set yourself up for hurt so many times. OP is doing what she needs for her own wellness; I hope she finds peace with her decision.
Zoe Vokes 2 months ago
NTA but there are always people like sister who live in hope about what their relationship with their parent could be. They ignore all bad behaviour, missed meetings and neglect because they want the love of that parent so badly. Their bio mother barely wants to see them once a year. It’s terrible that OP’s sensible decision to protect herself is negatively affecting her relationship with sister.
brittany 2 months ago
exactly. i am no contact ith my bio mom and yet i will admit there will always be a small part of me that hopes she'll want to be a good mom some day
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
NTJ or TA. Everyone has to figure out for themselves what they want from their parents, and how they will respond to what they actually get. Wiring a thoughtful letter was a good way to address what OP wants, and what she's willing to accept. Sister is going to have to figure out her own boundaries. It sounds like she's upset with the situation, but the only one to yell at is OP because bio mom isn't around. It's really hard when you have always felt like it's you and your siblings against the world and then theres a major issue when you aren't a united front OP needs to reassure her they are still a team , but they don't have the same take on this
brittany 2 months ago (edited)
i cant imagine 1) being so bad that cps took my kids away and b) not fighting like hell to get them back. she nevr regained custody of her kids. her oldest was taken at 3 years old and is now 17 going on 18. that means they have been living in foster care for 14 years. in 14 years their mother couldnt get her act together to get her kids back, instead getting pregnant with 2 new kids? her priority should have been being a better person and parent for the children she already had, not going off to make more.
Deborah B 2 months ago
It sounds like OP and Bio were almost NC anyway - This was just OP saying "I'm going to stop trying, because you don't seem interested." The drawbacks are having it be harder to keep in contact with her brothers, and conflict with her sister. She's going to have to live with that, but it doesn't make her wrong for stopping investing in a relationship with her bio mom. One thing I would urge her to do would be to seek therapy, if she hasn't already, to work through her own issues, before trying to have a long term romantic relationship or children of her own. Early childhood trauma, neglect and abandonment leave psychological scars, and it can really damage your ability to build healthy relationships and be a good parent.
Emilu 2 months ago
Absolutely NTA. OP sounds like an intelligent young lady with a good head on her shoulders. Her sister’s choice is her sister’s choice; as does OP get to make her own decision on who to keep in her life. You can only be shown you’re unwanted so many times before you say “well, eff that, I’m not a doormat”.
Laserleader 2 months ago
They are totally justified in cutting contact. My parents individually tortured their children with all kinds of a***e. Once I was an adult they did absolutely nothing to show they wanted to be a part of my life, and would contact me occasionally for Christmas or a Holiday simply because I was one of seven kids they had. They refused any attempts I made to communicate because all I asked was for them to tell the truth, but both were such manipulative liers they couldn't admit the truth. My dad died and it was an amazing relief, and when my mom passes we will have to dig her out of her hoard, which she cares about far more than any of her children.
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
Sister and friend sound very young and immature. You have to make your own choices. If she wants to be a s**t about it, you can take a break from her as well.
Vinnie 2 months ago (edited)
Did you find it hard to understand the sentences? One of my colleagues has trouble reading long sentences. I use short sentences that she can easily read. I use bullet points and numbered lists for instructions.
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