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Something that can make any joke much funnier is commitment to the bit. If you really know how to sell the punch line, your audiences might just find it hysterical. But sometimes, people manage to say hilarious things without even trying to be funny. Because if you say something ridiculous with a straight face, people are likely to just assume that you’re joking. And we’ve got an entire list right here to prove that point.
Netizens have recently been recalling the wildest things they’ve ever heard people say that they immediately assumed were jokes. From wholeheartedly believing in conspiracy theories to making incredibly ignorant claims, these people clearly had no idea how silly they sounded. Enjoy scrolling through these stories, and be sure to upvote the statements that you wouldn’t have taken seriously either!
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#1
A coworker told me the covid vaccine has a microchip that tracks your location, controls your thoughts, and "makes you forget about God"
My reply was tht she didn't need a shot for that- she had already paid for one and put it in her pocket. The Location function on her phone was, in fact, on.
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#2
I have a friend who genuinely believes dehydration is a myth made up by Nestle to sell bottled water. It's her only truly bizarre belief and she's a very smart, well-educated woman with a master's degree. We've been friends for about a decade, I know her well, and it's the only weird thing and she refuses to drop it. Her bf apparently chugs water while making eye contact with her during arguments.
Beak Hookage 6 hours ago
Gosh, that must be why when you go to the hospital they put you on a drip. They're in bed with Nestle, clearly.
#3
"I don't hire women. Women are... *complicated*. This is a professional company; I can't take clients back here and see some woman weeping with tampons scattered all over her desk."
Until 2009, I had never encountered that blatant of sexism in person. The closest before that was a company public mailing list where a manager said, "I have not, and will never, take orders from a woman." But this was right in front of me when I asked why this help desk manager was dropping perfectly good applicants for help desk positions. I thought he was joking, or being ironic, but then he continued.
"I know you're progressive and need 'to be on the side of women's rights.' I get that. I want to be laid, too. But who in their right mind would actually hire a woman for a technical position? Tell me one time that you saw a help desk with a woman sitting there?"
"Uh, all my former IT jobs."
"Okay, well, you have led a very sheltered life. Real professionals in the real world know that when the chips are down, they don't need mommy's voice on the other end. It's bad for business."
Just... appalling. He was later "forced to quit before he was fired" but he got another help desk manager job out there right away.
Beak Hookage 6 hours ago
"some woman weeping with tampons scattered all over her desk." ...had this guy ever met a woman in his entire life?!
#4
My sister in law and another cousin got really into genealogy. At a family gathering they announced they had been doing months of research and traced the family tree back to Adam and Eve.
I started laughing and said, well everyone is related to them, I could have saved you some time. (No I don't really believe that but they're Catholic) I seriously thought they were joking.
They were not joking AT ALL and it was a very awkward thanksgiving dinner for me.
#5
My "friend" told me public school teachers are giving kids transgender surgery, and he said that knowing my mom is a public school teacher.
#6
“You’re too calm… it makes people uncomfortable.” I thought they were joking. They weren’t.
Becky Samuel 32 minutes ago
Weaponised calm is a thing of great joy. If you can pull it off it drives the other person crazy.
#7
A coworker once said to me, "Of course you know the Moon isn't real!"
Not the Moon Landing, the Moon.
I pretended to not hear him because I was getting off in an hour, and that was going to be a four hour conversation that would end in him continuing to disagree.
#8
That as a disabled person I should not be expected to be paid for working and I should only do it “to pass time”.
This person is a licensed therapist who is very active in the disabled community and was recently promoted to director of a renowned clinic a few towns away. I feel so bad for her future patients.
Beak Hookage 6 hours ago
Wait, disabled people don't need money because we're not expected to pay any bills and just get everything for free? Why the hell didn't anybody tell me?!
#9
When I worked in a movie theater in high school, a man came up to me when I was taking tickets. He told me that a scene from the trailer of the movie he saw didn't appear in the movie. He wanted his money back. I did a polite fake laugh, thinking it was a dumb joke. He looked at me stone-faced and said he was serious. I sent him to the box office to see about collecting his money.
When I worked at a grocery store, a customer asked me if we sold tennis balls. I said that we unfortunately did not. He then went on to explain what tennis balls look like, just in case I was confused, I guess?
#10
In a wheelchair at the airport, and an older woman comes over and asks "Are you handicapped? You’re too pretty to be in that wheelchair." I gave her a mean stare, until she walked away.
#11
I was making small talk with the fellow who was making my food. I mentioned something about the dreary weather we’d been having. He said something about people’s mood being bad. I nodded and said that our mood is certainly affected by the weather. He looked me right in the eye and emphatically stated that it was the other way around… that our mood and emotions MAKE the weather bad.
Beak Hookage 6 hours ago
"It rains because you're sad." He must have thought MiB 2 was a documentary.
#12
The earth is only 6000 years old. I thought it was a bit nope. My mom turned into a young earth creationist. This woman dug up fossils in Montana with me. We were at the god darned shale beds together.
#13
I was with a friend at their community pool and talking with some neighbors of theirs that they are friendly with.
My phone accidentally fell in the pool but it was no big deal because it is waterproof.
The neighbor said “oh that’s nice, I can’t get a new phone because I don’t want the 5Gs changing my DNAs” pluralizing both “5G” and “DNA”.
I laughed because I thought it was a joke. She was VERY serious.
She also may have called in “D&As” instead of DNA but I can’t be sure.
#14
I told a coworker that she was in my dream the previous night. She said, "I know. I was there. I traveled astrally." She was dead serious.
#15
Had to quit work with no notice cuz my mom went into the hospital and they found cancer. She was transferred to a hospital about 2 hours away and they were planning on putting her in a rehab facility close by and we could handle her treatments going from there. I called my boss to tell her I wasn't coming back because my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and we were staying to handle treatment.
She asked, "are you sure you don't just want two weeks off? My mom had breast cancer and she was just fine." I told her no, my mom is in serious condition, and I plan on staying near my mom to help her.
I lost my mom to the cancer 4 days later. I went crawling back to my job about 3 weeks later asking to be rehired but she listed me as a permanent do no rehire. It's been 10 years and I still can't work for Pilot or Love's truck stops because of her.
Chihuahua Mama 3 hours ago
My condolences. Pancreatic cancer is such an aggressive cancer, unfortunately.
#16
I worked at a brewery, and one of the products we made was Kombucha fermented in whiskey barrels that we bought from a distillery down the road.
I was working the tap counter when a woman came in and asked if we had gluten-free beer. I said no, but we do have a hard Kombucha which is gluten-free, and its especially tasty on account of the barrel-fermentation.
This woman proceeded to lose her mind and told me that there was no way the Kombucha was gluten-free because the barrel staves were glued together, and "gluten is Latin for glue" so there was obviously "gluten in the barrel glue" and thus I was purposely misleading her. I laughed because it was one of the most insane things I'd ever heard, and I thought she was putting me on. Nope. Dead serious.
After I explained to her that the whiskey barrels were sealed with organic beeswax, she came around and tried some. She ended up buying 3 full growlers and left happy. Go figure.
#17
Not to me— but my friend who worked as a therapist in a mental institution in Brooklyn. On the morning of 9/11, she got off the subway and arrived at work and was greeted by her patients screaming that a plane flew into the World Trade Center. She calmly took them aside and said, “let’s talk about this….” Having no idea they were telling her the truth.
Stephanie Did It 2 hours ago
That wasn't crazy or stupid, that was simply before she learned about it.
#18
"Shut your mouth you dirty jew."
A "friend" (the owner of the LARP i attended, knew him for years) said that to me at a party once, but because of how he did it, I laughed, because I assumed he was just being ironically horrible. He did it twice more throughout the night, either on his own or through other people, and again, I laughed each time.
Until one of his closer friends finally took me aside and said "hey shiva14b, you have to stop laughing. He's not being funny. I've known this guy a long time, and its what he's really about."
Another friend of his once said to me "oh shiva14b, you're so smart, and funny, and beautiful, what a shame you're jewish!" And again, I laughed. Until again, a different friend took me aside and explained that the guy wasn't being funny.
Just wild. Really shook me, and made me rethink every interaction I'd had over the years. After that, I stopped laughing along with people being ironically horrible, and started to really look at what they were saying instead of just accepting it as a "joke."
ETA: I just want to add that everyone involved in this story was aged 30-40+. So not like, teen edge-lords. Adults.
#19
Someone once told me they genuinely believe the earth is flat and argued for an hour like it was common sense.
#20
Just after my mom died in 12th grade, a guy in my friend circle at lunch said:
"I would rather my mom die than have her breasts lopped off."
F you, Scott.
AlithenewMC 1 hour ago
Ew (ignoring the whole dying part) why would he give 2 sh*ts about his mom's b00bs?
#21
My (now ex) husband: “I want to have children, I just don’t want to have them with you.”
Me: “…what…why?”
Him: “Because you’re a lose woman.”
He went on to inform me that this was because I was not a virgin when he met me, which had never been an issue in the past (if it had been I wouldn’t have even dated someone who thought like that). He said he must have been in denial back then because he was in love with me. Anyway, I found out later that was sleeping with someone at work at the time he said those lovely words to me. They got married, had 3 kids, divorced, and he’s now on Wife #4.
#22
"Masks don't work because you can smell through them."
Poor dumb redneck was so sure of himself that he got me with his redneck logic he was actually smirking with a look like "How could anyone possibly argue with that?"
You can't make this up.
#23
Shortest possible short story short, my coworker believes she is currently engaged to a famous football player she met through a Facebook account that just shares the same name. When enough people brought it up to her that that’s insane her reasoning was “well, the guy we see on tv is a clone.. and I’m dating the real person.”.
#24
"Hey, your kid is autistic so you're against vaccines, right?"
First time I'd ever heard anything like that from a guy I worked with for years, and always thought he was a very laid back, easy going dude. Surprised the hell out of me.
Beak Hookage 2 hours ago
"My kid is alive because I'm for vaccines." I recently found out now there are "levels" of autism (because I told someone I had it and was asked "what level", which had me very puzzled indeed because my diagnosis was like 25 years ago). Next time I get a COVID booster I'm gonna announce that I just levelled up.
#25
I’m not just an alpha male, I’m an alpha alpha male.
Beak Hookage 6 hours ago
In other words the unrelesable early version that's full of bugs. Gotcha.
#26
Wife sneezed in a restaurant and I said gesundheit, the table behind me said “it’s god bless you!”
I turned around and she just looked at me deadpan. I ignored her then. Today I’m not sure I still have the ability to ignore religious b.s.
#27
Someone claimed their child's school put litter boxes in the bathrooms at the school. All because they heard a rumor that was coming out of the US and their child claimed it was also happening at their school.
I just nodded along and asked if they checked with their head of school or teachers.
Nope. Just blindly believing this.
Geoffrey Scott 1 hour ago
NPR did a story on this. Litterboxes were a result of the Columbine m******e, there 'just in case'. They could find no other school district doing this.
#28
I was a server at outback steakhouse. Some lady wanted the steakhouse salad, pointed to the picture of it and said "I want this" I said okay how do you want the steak cooked. She said well done. Salad came out and she flipped out cause the steak didn't look like the picture, it was a medium rare steak on the picture. I said well you ordered well done. She literally responded with "yes but why doesn't it look like that" needed my manager to come over and try to explain to her your steak won't look medium rare if you order it well done. She never understood and just walked out. I know it's not like actually crazy but I was dumbfounded.
#29
That Trump was appointed by god. Also in the same sentence they called me a stupid liberal which didn’t surprise me much. The fact that there are real people who are allowed to vote that think their imaginary friend in the sky appointed the current president made me fear for our future.
#30
A guy i met in Alaska. We chatted about music, then ghosts he saw at this Colorado restaurant. I was like alright, yeah ghosts and stuff might exist. Cool story regardless.
Then he looks at me "I had a spaceship".
I laughed pretty hard then he got angry about it. "Oh like you built a rocket car out in your backyard?"
"No, some aliens came and gave me an interdimentional space ship and I was apart of their society for years. They took it away from me because I would drive it drunk and that was not allowed." He also said he parked it on top of his garage and alluded to doing some other things that pissed of the aliens which he wouldn't talk about.
"Oh, alright man." Then I tried to close my tab and get away from him because he was becoming pretty visibly agitated at my non-belief of the whole scenario.
Same bar on the same Alaskan island. Some lady just comes up to us talking about how she likes to go out swimming in the ocean like a mermaid and that we should go with her. It was October in Alaska and the water was freezing. I didn't indulge her.
Stephanie Did It 2 hours ago
In Alaska, the dating scene can best be described as " the odds are good, but the goods are odd."
#31
I went to pick up a Rx. Pharmacist says " your total is $329." I let out a giggle, the Pharmacist did not. The Rx is omeprazole (antacid stuff)! I told her there's no way I am paying that price. Thank God for some finagling. She got it down to $30.
#32
Her: "Did you know you can get pregnant from X-Rays?"
Me: "No you can't"
Her: "Then why do they make you wear that lead apron?"
Me: "Jesus Christ."
(this was a girl I'd met when we were both teenagers, and this random statement was made at some point during the first time we hung out. I never saw her again, lol).
Ronja Oksanen 1 hour ago
Would have loved to hear her reasoning why male doctors/nurses use those too if they are in the Xray room.
#33
There is an electrical pad thing sold in Poland that cures cancer.
...
Did not work.
Beak Hookage 2 hours ago
Of course we all know the real cure for cancer is having a positive attitude! And some essential oils, mostly for the nice smell.
#34
Bro told me he started taking steroids to "kick start" a new "healthy" lifestyle.
This friend wasn't the brightest bulb...
#35
I met up with a guy at a bar on the first date. He said “I’m a big fan of Honey Boo-Boo!” He was not kidding. He even had a picture of them together when her family had an open house Christmas party.
#36
Pastor neighbor was out mowing his lawn in barely there running shorts, no shirt, and way too much tanning oil. He told me I needed to get to his church and find god. Besides finding it difficult to maintain eye contact (there was *sooo* much hair and oil), I laughed nervously. He was very serious and took the laugh as an insult. We didn’t talk again. It worked out.
#37
There are so many with this dude that is a former friend of mine. We actually lived together for 11 months and I've came to the conclusion that he may actually be a narcissist or at least some cluster B stuff going on with him.
One of the most ridiculous things was how he wouldn't associate with someone because they were a "loser in high school". Mind you we were pushing 30 at this point. Just obsessed with social status and how he thought people saw him.
Beak Hookage 1 hour ago
I was a loser in highschool. But now, twenty years later- uh... well, you see- ...you know what, never mind.
#38
This elderly guy told my tatted friend that her skin would have made a good lamp during ww2.
#40
Mid COVID:
Me: "My cousin lives in Toronto and they aren't allowed to go to bars without a vaccine"
My (now) wife's roommate: "Communism"
I laughed, she did not. She's one of those right wing psychos who generally believes that democratic socialism and communism are the exact same thing.
Geoffrey Scott 1 hour ago (edited)
Our Governor 'shut Michigan down'. People had a rally at the capitol during this time saying how responsible they were, and to reopen the state. Evidence: screaming, threatening, holding signs saying "Heil Whitmer" scant feet from one another. Oh, and the obligatory firearms.
#41
UFOs are demons surveying Earth to pick who to reproduce with so they can make humans with demon DNA so that Heaven doesn’t recognize them as children of God. Also, the COVID vaccine carries demon DNA for the same purpose.
#42
"I'll bet you don't even know what a labia is do ya?"
- My male coworker
"I'm quite familiar with the equipment I've had since birth."
- 23 year old me
Edit: Absolutely nothing prompted that question he just left his work area and walked across the factory to say that then go back.
Edit 2: He brought up his wife and 2 daughters as his reason for his wisdom on female anatomy he wasn't talking about something else.
Edit 3: He was like that with everyone and simply found himself hilarious. 0 harm intended, he was just trying to be the workplace clown.
#43
I once met a girl who claimed she invented the phrase, "I know, right?" She was dead serious. Thought everyone was copying her. This was at least 15 years ago and I still think about it.
#44
That dinosaurs never existed. They thought dinosaurs were a hoax made up by Satan.
#45
Went to Disney world some years back and was at a strip mall in Kissimmee or there abouts pushing my at the time 11 mo old son, when a foreign guy starts following us (Middle Eastern, possibly Caucasian as in Armenian, Georgian) You see these guys all the time in malls selling their wares so I pay him no mind, but after bit he runs out in front and cuts us off the stroller with his foot.
He proceeds to ask who the parents were and offered to buy him! I thought it was a joke, you know his way of saying how adorable he is, but no he pulls out a wad of dough (at least 3k) and insisted. I was shocked and didnt know how to respond, "how do you have the gall to walk up to strangers and ask to buy their child?" It showed me that he must have done it before to be that brazen and what was the outcome, illegal adoption schemes, something more nefarious? Given some of the stresses of parenting I always joke and say I wonder if the deal is still on table, in fact Ill pay him this time, lol, but when I think back I should've alerted someone.
Beak Hookage 1 hour ago
I have a friend whose businessman father took her overseas somewhere (I forget where) when she was about three years old and some guy wanted to buy her. When the friend told me that, I laughed. But nope. Dead serious it actually happened.
#46
My boss once told me, 'We don’t need a backup plan because failure is not in our budget.' I thought he was being inspirational. He was actually just telling me we don't have insurance.
#47
I was the hiring manager doing job interviews for a job where I, a woman, would be the line manager. We have to ask a standard HR question on EDI (something like “tell us about a time when you worked well with someone from a different background” or whatever). The candidate replied with a good example, but then ended it with “but generally I prefer not to work with women”. Incredible stuff.
Beak Hookage 1 hour ago
Yeah, if you're not careful your women coworkers will be randomly crying with tampons all over the desk.
#48
90s or 00s, a company moved into the suite next door & the owner is real friendly and chatty. One visit he tells us his partner has an Emmy and got his start working on Debbie Does Dallas. Finally visit his office and his partner has his Emmy sitting on his desk...
General Anaesthesia 3 hours ago (edited)
There are no photos of Emmys on the internet, so Oscar it is.
#49
Obama passed away mid term and was replaced by a robot.
#50
A 22/M asking me, a 36/F, out for coffee because he hates his generation
#51
New employee A just started. Me and another employee B on shift, talk about politics. We don't go over board or anything. He overheard me mention Epstein and "beef jerky" an wouldn't surprise me Trump was eating people too.
This mf interjected "you know he was undercover right?"
Like what, I thought that was just an internet talking point, not that people actually believed it.
Worst hire ever.
Beak Hookage 2 hours ago
Oh yeah, Trump is *perfect* secret agent material. I don't even want to know what "jerky" was a euphemism for.
#52
You don't look disabled why you on disability.
Geoffrey Scott 1 hour ago (edited)
I knew a guy who got knocked 10 feet for ignorantly plugging in a 220v extension cord for a grinder improperly. Jacked his shoulder up good. They(Work Comp) had a picture of him carrying a flag in a 4th of July parade and attempted to deny coverage. LAwer: So, did he carry the flag for 8 hours?".."No".."How long then?".."maybe 30 minutes". "So since he can do that 30 minutes, he can do that for 8 hours?!?!?!"
#53
One of our engineers walked into my office. He had spent the morning working with a technician to troubleshoot an aircraft electrical issue. The engineer was in mid-hissy fit. Why was he upset? Because the technician was born in the Philippines, and had an unusual sounding (to a Westerner) name. The engineer stood before my desk and launched into a rant complaining that his freedumbs were being trampled upon because this technician’s name wasn’t something he was used to in rural Tennessee. He further insisted that the Government pass laws regulating the names given to children - I guess he wanted a world where every male child was named Cletus or Bubba.
And yes, this guy was very noisy about being a “strict Constitutionalist” and a “small government conservative”.
#54
That goldfish only live for 3 days naturally and anything longer is unnatural interference.
#55
My mom works in Nursing homes. She once had a resident say there's a Kangaroo in the building.
There was indeed a baby kangaroo visiting down stairs.
Also had squirrels break in before too.
Beak Hookage 1 hour ago (edited)
Aww, it's so cool when nursing homes do this kind of thing for the residents. My grandma sent us pictures of herself holding a beautiful python at hers.
#56
“We should have kids together. They would be superior with our combined genetics.” At a party. By an acquaintance.
#57
I confided in a friend about my uncle dying and my mom got picked up after getting lost trying to get to him which led to a Dementia diagnosis and a forever nursing home.
I could tell she wasn’t listening but I asked if I said something that bothered her.
She said “you’re just too self deprecating”
I thought she was just being sarcastic or just the normal dark humor.
Later on that week she heard me telling someone else about what happened and she said “why didn’t you tell me that?”
We are no longer friends.
Stephanie Did It 2 hours ago
Sounds like she'd heard the word but didn't know that it meant, but used it to sound smart (as opposed to "huh? I wasn't listening").
What do you think ?
Kristiina Männiste 1 hour ago
My relatives bought an old farmhouse for their summer house and were telling my dad about it. The husband expalained how when they first visited the house the wife talked to the stones lying on the ground to ask them if there were any issues with the land and the stones said "No, Its just dry and hot. Dry and hot". Apparently me bursting out in laughter was the wrong move... He actually believed that his wife can speak Stonish. Nowadays I try to just smile and nod at whatever they say.
Kristiina Männiste 1 hour ago
Have been in the summer house, tried to ask the stones but they kept silent. Must be trained to only speak to the owners
Load More Replies... Kristiina Männiste 1 hour ago
My relatives bought an old farmhouse for their summer house and were telling my dad about it. The husband expalained how when they first visited the house the wife talked to the stones lying on the ground to ask them if there were any issues with the land and the stones said "No, Its just dry and hot. Dry and hot". Apparently me bursting out in laughter was the wrong move... He actually believed that his wife can speak Stonish. Nowadays I try to just smile and nod at whatever they say.
Kristiina Männiste 1 hour ago
Have been in the summer house, tried to ask the stones but they kept silent. Must be trained to only speak to the owners
Load More Replies...
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