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“She’s Out Of Order”: Woman Tells Childfree Friends She’ll Set Up Babysitting Rota, They Refuse
Interview With Expert
Usually, when a person decides to be childfree, it’s after a lot of careful consideration. Folks choose this lifestyle because they don’t like the idea of being parents or don’t feel comfortable looking after children. Either way, it’s a conscious choice that should be respected.
Unfortunately, not everyone is that understanding, and in this particular story, a woman who got pregnant expected her childfree friends to go above and beyond for her new baby. They just knew they didn’t want to babysit!
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:
People who choose not to have kids often find it hard to get along with their parenting friends because of the differences in their lifestyles
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster shared that she was in a group of 10 friends who had always been childfree, but that one woman found herself pregnant and had the baby
Image credits: Sarah Chai / Pexels (not the actual photo)
After the woman became a mom, she contacted her childfree friends very often to help with babysitting and other forms of childcare even though they didn’t want to
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
In an update post, the author said that her group suggested the woman befriend more single moms instead of asking her childfree friends to babysit
Image credits: Helena Lopes / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Eventually, this situation became problematic for the group because members either felt guilty about not helping the woman, or resentful
Image credits: Shebaguinea
The poster also didn’t know how to handle the situation with her friend and felt stuck
The childfree group of friends had always been clear about the fact that they didn’t want kids and didn’t want to be around them either. They had always got on fine with each other and hung out as often as possible. That was until one of their friends became pregnant and decided to have the baby.
The mom-friend then decided that it was okay to keep asking her childfree friends for help with babysitting and other forms of childcare. She assumed that since they had more free time, they’d easily be able to chip in and look after the baby. She didn’t stop to consider that they were uncomfortable and didn’t want to do that.
To understand how to deal with situations like this, Bored Panda reached out to Kara Perez, who is childfree by choice. She is the founder of Bravely Go, a sustainability-focused financial education company that brings actionable, intersectional, and accessible financial education to people who never learned the language of money. She is also the author of the book Money For Change.
We asked Kara if it’s okay for parent friends to expect their childfree friends to help with babysitting and other baby-related duties. She said, “It’s ok for parents to ask [but] it’s not ok to require things from people in any situation they didn’t volunteer themselves to be in.
“It doesn’t sound like this parent discussed with their childfree friends how she’d like them to be involved with her child before she gave birth, which is an easy way to get everyone on the same page and avoid resentment,” she added.
We also reached out to Merle Bombarderi for her thoughts on this situation. Merle is a coach and psychotherapist with an international coaching practice. She is the author of The Baby Decision and is currently working on her second book, Baby or Childfree? Although she enjoyed raising her two daughters, she has also been an advocate for childfree people since 1979.
Merle said that “childfree people are not morally obligated to provide friends who are parents with childcare. The childfree individuals in this post have been more than generous by providing meals, doing laundry and other tasks they are more comfortable with. However, they are not obliged to meet their friends’ childcare needs.”
“The situation described in this post is disrespectful and shows the lack of empathy on the part of the parent in the friend group. Saying no to childcare is not turning your back on a friend; it’s setting boundaries for what is comfortable for you as a childfree person,” she added.
Image credits: Darina Belonogova / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Even when the childfree group of friends told the woman that she should befriend other single moms, she disregarded their idea. It seems like she assumed her group would help her with parenting duties despite their disdain for the entire idea. She kept pushing their boundaries again and again.
Kara said, “I think it’s important to remember that childfree people are just regular people! So they can help with cleaning, cooking, babysitting, really anything. The thing that parents and childfree people need to do is get clear on what each wants from the relationship and what each has to give to the relationship.
“A childfree person who works 8-6 and has an hour-long commute might not be the best person for a child’s emergency contact but can be depended on to come over twice a month and help with laundry and cleaning. Ultimately, it comes down to communication and flexibility to keep a friendship going for all of us. Children only highlight the importance of these skills,” she explained.
Merle Bombarderi also mentioned that “childfree people can provide support without doing activities that they are not comfortable with. If your friend who is a parent doesn’t understand this, they are not being a friend to you and your group. Hopefully parents can appreciate all the good things their childfree friends do offer and find ways of interacting that both enjoy,” she shared.
The OP mentioned that she felt guilty about not wanting to babysit for her friend. She tried to make up for it by helping out with cleaning and other tasks in order to lighten the woman’s load. It does seem like the mom-friend did not appreciate that either.
That’s why Kara explained that “child-rearing does take a village, but you have to nurture your village. People (parents or childfree people) who only take and don’t support within a friend group will often find themselves being excluded.”
How do you think the friends should handle this situation with the demanding woman? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Folks sided with the poster and felt that her friend was being ridiculous
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What do you think ?
Vinnie 8 months ago (edited)
Two things come to mind: 1) The friends gave her a suggestion and she refused to try it. 2) The friends (including OP) are not up to the task of babysitting, but the OP has helped in other ways. No-brainer conclusion: appreciate the help she does get (which can still be very helpful) and meet other people who'd be able and willing to help with babysitting. She will miss her old social circle (but reduced contact is better than none), but she shouldn't write off other mothers.
ElfVibratorGlitter 8 months ago
I think the new mom needs to find other new moms to be friends with. Easier said than done, I know.
FreeTheUnicorn 8 months ago
I can't imagine not being embarrassed to keep asking my friends after they've been clear the answer is no. But she can't think they will continue to be her friends if she belittles food and cleaning help and berates her pals. To go on dates no less, not even to hang out with the friend group. what about the father? At the very least he should pony up to pay a babysitter. Their inability to use birth control effectively isn't anyone else's problem.
Big Chungus 8 months ago
I hate the idea of forcing your children onto others. The OP is obviously trying to help and that is more than enough. There are services for watch children, and I get it is a little hard to trust others to watch your child, you can get recommendations and other background information, especially from other parents. I wouldn't do this to my own family unless we had laid out a whole plan for child care, and then I buy them all food for the day lol.
Wang Zhuang 8 months ago
OP and her other friends owe the friend with the baby NOTHING. The new mom needs to move on to a like-minded group
Daniela Lavanza 8 months ago
Ah, the usual "you have plenty of free time so you can spare me some". NO. everyone has have 24 hours a day and are free to choose what to do with it. If others have chosen to invest THEIR lifetime in having kids with all the responsibilities it implies, it's their choice. Not a second in one's life belongs to another person. A friend? Nope, at the very second they decide your time is theirs, they're no longer your friend.
Yu Pan 8 months ago (edited)
It's very simple, if you want to hang out or do things for her and the kid, do it. When you have enough, say you're done/leaving. If you don't want to hang out, say you are busy. No need to figure things out for her. Hang out with whoever you wish, if that happens to become a separate group, that's how nature takes its course.
XYZ 8 months ago (edited)
I’m child free. One of my friends are not. When she had her baby 16 years ago I visited her in hospital, gave gifts for baby and mother, and listened empathetically to all her new mother woes. I did not baby sit. When she invited me to baby’s first birthday I asked “To do what?!” I was really completely baffled by the invitation - for one thing - what does a 1 yr old need a party for, and secondly, what does an adult with no kids do at such a party 😆😆😆. I realised years later that she probably just wanted some adult company for herself - oops. Now that the kid is a teenager and I can communicate with her like an adult, I’m more than happy to have her join in on our visits occasionally, like going to a restaurant for a nice birthday meal for one of us etc.
Miriam Insidecor 8 months ago
She chose to have the child. It shouldn't be inflicted on others. She's a bad friend and massively entitled.
Steve Flynn 8 months ago
I think mama should have kept her legs together if wasn't ready to parent. Apparently the s***m donor is not in the picture so not having the child was also an option.
Smeghead Tribble Down Under 8 months ago
Absolutely annoys me when people think people without kids have ''plenty'' of spare time.
Emilu 8 months ago (edited)
I’m not a huge fan of kids (generally; there are a few exceptions to that), but I’d look after a friend’s baby in a pinch, making it clear a) my views on kids generally and b) I don’t generally babysit them because of those views so you’d be getting a noob to look after your kid. Normally that’s enough to dissuade. I am happy to help in other ways (and it’s not like I’d do a “kick the baby!” or something) but if you ask me to babysit, you’ll d**n well know about my shortcomings before you agree. Wanting a rota with childfree friends who have expressed that they don’t want to look after your kid is just obnoxious, though.
K. LNU 8 months ago (edited)
Childless here. I am one of those that does love my friends' children, and don't mind spending time with all of them. Babies are cute, but unless it is an emergency, I don't do nappies or babysit so that someone can have "me time". Sounds like OP's friend does need to find a mom group; but I do feel that it wouldn't k**l everyone to go to a more baby friendly lunch once in a blue moon either. You don't have to go to McDonald's or Chucky Cheese; there are nice restaurants they could all go to. And some of the friends do sound a bit like jerks. "We don't go to crappy places at 12pm full of kids." So do a late lunch or early dinner if they like the new mom, if they don't then bow out gracefully. But that's just my opinion.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 8 months ago
Some people don't like children. Some people don't like animals. Forcing a friend to care for your child or your pet if they really do not like children/pets is not "asking your friend for help in a tough spot". It's forcing an obligation - one with potential serious legal ramifications (if the child/pet gets injured/sick while in the friend's care) onto someone who has made it clear that they DO NOT want that obligation. Driving a friend to work while their car is in the shop is "helping them in a tough spot". Watching their baby - that THEY chose to have as a single mother - is absolutely NOT obligatory "friend" behavior. If I knew I had a friend who disliked animals, I would NEVER ask them to feed/watch my pets for me unless I had a legitimate, actual emergency. THAT is what a friend does - they don't FORCE their other friends into spots where they feel obligated to do something they clearly do NOT want to do and dislike doing.
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Vinnie 8 months ago (edited)
Two things come to mind: 1) The friends gave her a suggestion and she refused to try it. 2) The friends (including OP) are not up to the task of babysitting, but the OP has helped in other ways. No-brainer conclusion: appreciate the help she does get (which can still be very helpful) and meet other people who'd be able and willing to help with babysitting. She will miss her old social circle (but reduced contact is better than none), but she shouldn't write off other mothers.
ElfVibratorGlitter 8 months ago
I think the new mom needs to find other new moms to be friends with. Easier said than done, I know.
FreeTheUnicorn 8 months ago
I can't imagine not being embarrassed to keep asking my friends after they've been clear the answer is no. But she can't think they will continue to be her friends if she belittles food and cleaning help and berates her pals. To go on dates no less, not even to hang out with the friend group. what about the father? At the very least he should pony up to pay a babysitter. Their inability to use birth control effectively isn't anyone else's problem.
Big Chungus 8 months ago
I hate the idea of forcing your children onto others. The OP is obviously trying to help and that is more than enough. There are services for watch children, and I get it is a little hard to trust others to watch your child, you can get recommendations and other background information, especially from other parents. I wouldn't do this to my own family unless we had laid out a whole plan for child care, and then I buy them all food for the day lol.
Wang Zhuang 8 months ago
OP and her other friends owe the friend with the baby NOTHING. The new mom needs to move on to a like-minded group
Daniela Lavanza 8 months ago
Ah, the usual "you have plenty of free time so you can spare me some". NO. everyone has have 24 hours a day and are free to choose what to do with it. If others have chosen to invest THEIR lifetime in having kids with all the responsibilities it implies, it's their choice. Not a second in one's life belongs to another person. A friend? Nope, at the very second they decide your time is theirs, they're no longer your friend.
Yu Pan 8 months ago (edited)
It's very simple, if you want to hang out or do things for her and the kid, do it. When you have enough, say you're done/leaving. If you don't want to hang out, say you are busy. No need to figure things out for her. Hang out with whoever you wish, if that happens to become a separate group, that's how nature takes its course.
XYZ 8 months ago (edited)
I’m child free. One of my friends are not. When she had her baby 16 years ago I visited her in hospital, gave gifts for baby and mother, and listened empathetically to all her new mother woes. I did not baby sit. When she invited me to baby’s first birthday I asked “To do what?!” I was really completely baffled by the invitation - for one thing - what does a 1 yr old need a party for, and secondly, what does an adult with no kids do at such a party 😆😆😆. I realised years later that she probably just wanted some adult company for herself - oops. Now that the kid is a teenager and I can communicate with her like an adult, I’m more than happy to have her join in on our visits occasionally, like going to a restaurant for a nice birthday meal for one of us etc.
Miriam Insidecor 8 months ago
She chose to have the child. It shouldn't be inflicted on others. She's a bad friend and massively entitled.
Steve Flynn 8 months ago
I think mama should have kept her legs together if wasn't ready to parent. Apparently the s***m donor is not in the picture so not having the child was also an option.
Smeghead Tribble Down Under 8 months ago
Absolutely annoys me when people think people without kids have ''plenty'' of spare time.
Emilu 8 months ago (edited)
I’m not a huge fan of kids (generally; there are a few exceptions to that), but I’d look after a friend’s baby in a pinch, making it clear a) my views on kids generally and b) I don’t generally babysit them because of those views so you’d be getting a noob to look after your kid. Normally that’s enough to dissuade. I am happy to help in other ways (and it’s not like I’d do a “kick the baby!” or something) but if you ask me to babysit, you’ll d**n well know about my shortcomings before you agree. Wanting a rota with childfree friends who have expressed that they don’t want to look after your kid is just obnoxious, though.
K. LNU 8 months ago (edited)
Childless here. I am one of those that does love my friends' children, and don't mind spending time with all of them. Babies are cute, but unless it is an emergency, I don't do nappies or babysit so that someone can have "me time". Sounds like OP's friend does need to find a mom group; but I do feel that it wouldn't k**l everyone to go to a more baby friendly lunch once in a blue moon either. You don't have to go to McDonald's or Chucky Cheese; there are nice restaurants they could all go to. And some of the friends do sound a bit like jerks. "We don't go to crappy places at 12pm full of kids." So do a late lunch or early dinner if they like the new mom, if they don't then bow out gracefully. But that's just my opinion.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 8 months ago
Some people don't like children. Some people don't like animals. Forcing a friend to care for your child or your pet if they really do not like children/pets is not "asking your friend for help in a tough spot". It's forcing an obligation - one with potential serious legal ramifications (if the child/pet gets injured/sick while in the friend's care) onto someone who has made it clear that they DO NOT want that obligation. Driving a friend to work while their car is in the shop is "helping them in a tough spot". Watching their baby - that THEY chose to have as a single mother - is absolutely NOT obligatory "friend" behavior. If I knew I had a friend who disliked animals, I would NEVER ask them to feed/watch my pets for me unless I had a legitimate, actual emergency. THAT is what a friend does - they don't FORCE their other friends into spots where they feel obligated to do something they clearly do NOT want to do and dislike doing.
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