The fear of being stigmatized by others often leads people to avoid psychotherapy. Even worse, some of us internalize the stigma which reduces the likelihood of seeking help even more.
However, psychotherapy has been shown to improve emotions and behaviors and to be linked with positive changes not only in the brain but the body as well.
Interested in how that happens, Redditor u/annabel420 recently asked women "What's the best question your therapist has asked you?" And they responded.
As of this publication, u/annabel420's post has 777 comments, many of which detail the powerful moment when people began healing. Here are some of the most memorable ones.
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Therapist: "You realize you're describing domestic abuse"
Me: "Oh no, he's never hit me."
Therapist proceeds to explain emotional, psychological and financial abuse.
The most prevalent form of abuse is the kind that does not leave bruises.
“Is that going to matter 5 years from now? How about 5 months? 5 day? Will it even matter 5 hours from now? Then why are you wasting more than 5 minutes worrying about it?”
This was key to beating my depression, when I realized that I couldn't remember what I was worrying about a week ago. That meant that what I was worrying about now wouldn't matter next week, so maybe it wasn't as big as I made it to be.
Therapist: “I don’t think you’re happy or know what makes you happy. You’ve spent your whole life trying to make others happy and have never focused on yourself. You’ve worked so hard for a life you can put on a post card (wife, great house and career, etc) but I don’t think you want any of it.”
Me: You’re crazy. Of course I know what makes me happy!
Therapist: Name 5 things.
Me: …..
This conversation made me significantly change my ways and has probably been the single most impactful statement in my entire life.
She was right.
"Why do you keep referring to yourself as having anger issues and emotional issues?"
It was the first time I had even considered that the 'anger' issues I was told I had from when I was a small child were just my family not wanting to deal with my emotional needs. I'd been gaslit my whole life to think that all of my emotions were unreasonable and 'extreme', when they actually weren't.
I recently 'graduated' from therapy (my choice, with the door always open to go back). It took me 1.5 years to relearn emotions, how to express myself, and not 'protect' people from my emotions. I do feel emotions strongly (was diagnosed with ADHD), but none of my reactions are extreme.
I am a very reactive and emotional person with anger issues. Was diagnosed with ADD 2 weeks ago and started meds last week, hopefully they will help.
“Why do you always seek their approval, when you’ve never approved of their choices?”
This was an eye opener when discussing my parents with her.
I think it's pretty normal for children to seek their parents approval, even as adults. But when it impacts you negatively then of course there is an issue that you need to resolve within yourself. You can't change how others act, but you can change the way you act. (Of course easier said than done).
If you weren’t related to your relatives, would you be friends with them?….if no, then why does it matter so much to you what they think?
The real-world answer to that is: Because someday, I may need something from them, and actually get it. That's one reason people put up with family members even though there's little love or liking there, because someday they may need a loan or a place to live. (Of course, if you've realized that they'll never help you or recognize your needs, life is a lot simpler in some ways.)
in regards to negative self-talk: “the things that you say about yourself…if your closest friends were depressed and going through a hard time, would you say the same things to them?”
“Whose voice is saying those things?”
She recently told me at the beginning of our sessions I made a lot of negative statements about myself and she asked me that question. I said it’s my voice saying that to me. It’s 16 sessions later and I said something negative and she asked the same question. This time I said the voice is my mum’s. It really helped me realise that all the negative thoughts I have about myself are a product of what I’ve been brought up with. It was completely eye-opening.
Do you think your grief is about the relationship ending or is your grief about what you think could have been and how you thought it was going to be? It was the latter
That's the thing about breakups. Sometimes the grief is for all the plans you'd made, all the hopes and dreams associated with the person you broke up with, not the person themselves. That is, FYI, also a reason that sometimes people aren't as sympathetic to your breakup heartache as you think they should be, they can see how much is grief for the life you'd planned and not the other person, before you do.
'If you had a child, would you let them be around this person?'
Absolutely not.
'Why do you feel you don't deserve to be protected from this kind of person and abuse?'
'Who is taking care of the child in you that never feels safe?'
Having this literal experience can be life-changing, to have thought about this could save a lot of heartache
i was in an abusive relationship that left me severely traumatized, I've been in therapy for a year now and recently we were talking about responsibility, and how I felt like I should've done more to protect myself and see the warning signs, talking about the first time he got frustrated with me for talking to another man. And my therapist asks, "When he got irritated with you that first time, did you know in that moment that he would end up throwing you against a wall and you'd have to flee his house in the middle of the night in the dead of winter with no shoes on?" and when i chuckled and said no, I had just expected that to be normal jealousy that we could work out together, and she says "exactly. You couldn't have known. Nobody expects their partner to abuse them. You need to be kind to your past self, you have experiences now that would help you if this sort of thing happened again, but you didn't then. You couldn't have known, and that's ok."
this retelling is not nearly as eloquent as her response was mind you but english is not my first language so im translating xD
These things are so obvious afterwards, but not at the time. And your English is great.
"Does that actually make you a bad mother or does it just not live up to the impossible standard you have set for yourself?"
Oof, that was a hell of an eye opener.
"Are you upset because of something someone said, or are you upset because of the way you heard it?"
This led to me learning that I overthink/overanalyze situations and create my own perception of people being mad at me.
Can totally relate to this. I always over analyze situations, and sometimes misinterpret what others say to me, which can create unnecessary arguements. I've become more conscious of this, but still, it can create big divides
"You're free to lie to me. Have you considered, not lying to yourself?"
Was a slap in the face, but in the best way possible.
"Do you want to die or don't you know how to go further?"
Really made me think
Yonks ago when volunteering on a crisis helpline one of the most effective 'tools' they gave us in training was, when speaking with someone suicidal, to ask them if they wanted to be dead and gone forever or if it was more that they wanted to avoid living through the current time. To anyone going through it, things can get better than right now and you don't have to go through it alone. Please reach out.
“Why aren’t you allowed to be happy right now, instead of when you’ve lost weight?” I suffer from binge eating disorder, and this is the reason I went to therapy in the first place. The hardest thing I learned through therapy is that I had to accept myself for who I am now in order to make any progress. This helped because I wasn’t putting so much pressure on myself to lose weight — like everything was riding on it."
"I gained a lot of weight and went back and forth with diets, calorie counting, and excessive exercise to try and counteract my excessive eating. Obviously, none of this worked, which just made me feel completely hopeless as I gained more and more weight.
I had to like my body and be happy and content in my skin. I am happy with the way things are now, although I accept that I have to make healthier lifestyle choices since I am still overweight.
If this sounds familiar to anyone, get professional help. You are not lazy, you have a mental health issue that needs treatment. It was like a weight lifted from my shoulders that felt like it had been there my whole life.
Because many people are constantly acting like we don't deserve to be happy. We know we are overweight, we know the health issues that excess weight causes, we are fat, not stupid. We deserve to be treated with respect and please stop patronising us.
“How can you get better if you still live with your trigger?”
Moved out a month after she asked that.
I started grinding my teeth around 30. My dentist of 15 years knew I was single, asked about my current boyfriend. I said we were still adjusting. He told me to leave as soon as possible. Thought he was rude. After 6 months, broke a tooth grinding. Still with that man, he asked. Well . . . yes . . . but left him not long after that. Never had to grind my teeth ever again. A professional/objective observer could have the answer you need . . .
“Do you realize you don’t have post partum depression, but are the victim of an abusive relationship?”
Changed everything for me.
Sometimes it takes someone who has the guts to tell the emperor that his clothes don't exist.
... and what's stopping you from doing that?
Sometimes it's helpful to have someone point out that in many ways we are/create our own obstacles.
Sometimes you can't put into words that mental block that's telling you that you can't do something, that you'll mess it up, that you shouldn't even bother...
"Guilt implies that you did something wrong. Do you think you did the wrong thing?"
In terms of ending a relationship that was hurting my mental health.. really made me rethink the things I have felt guilty about in the past! He also said that guilt is a learned feeling. We aren't born feeling guilt. People make us feel that way. Interesting!
“You can’t give someone the shirt off your back…if you do, what are you going to wear?”
Hated this in the moment, because at the time giving to others was a huge part of my identity - always making sure I was there for other people. And I used to get angry when I would never get that back, because in my head it meant that no one cared enough about me to give what I was giving. Turns out, they were just establishing their boundaries for what they’re able to give without emotionally draining themselves like I was. I still struggle with it to some degree but at least now I feel better about taking care of myself first. Nine time out of ten, people understand that and have been very supportive.
"Why do you gaslight yourself so much?"
I wasn't even aware that you could gaslight yourself. Comming to terms with my trauma was difficult. Somedays I still tell myself I'm still just overreacting or remembering it wrong..
“At what point does trying become doing?”
I was having a rough time and felt like nothing was going right despite how hard I was trying, and I said just that: “I’m trying, I’m trying”. And she asked when does ‘you’re trying’ become ‘you’re doing’? You’re trying and you’re doing this this and this, so are you ‘doing’ or trying? Basically I needed to give myself more credit and stop being so hard on myself and recognize what I was doing right.
Also one of my all time favorite things she said that anyone has ever said was “Emotions that get buried alive never die”. So, let that sh*t out and deal with it.
What are you hearing me say?
“How would you feel about that situation if a child was present-any child, not anyone’s in particular.”
Made it easier to accept and set my boundaries
"Can you control other people and their actions?"
I struggle hard with anxiety and I was in a relationship with a narcissist. My therapist asked me this in the middle of a rant about how I always felt like I had to explain my ex's bad behavior to others. And I just kind of sat there like.... You know what, no. I can't. Nothing I do will make my ex change or stop doing what he does. And it's not my job to make him decent to be around.
A therapist once told me that a lot of people think that everyone is watching them. In reality no one is even noticing you when you're walking down the street or crossing a square. He proceeded to point out some people in a crowd who stood out for some reason, yet I didn't notice them. Point proven.
My therapist doesn't usually ask questions but she did ask me something that made me think deeply during my architecture licensure examinations.
She asked me, "If you were an honor graduate in college, you tested well, and you studied, why wouldn't you pass the exam?"
I guess my imposter syndrome is really really on high and I was totally afraid of failing. I passed, and it's been three years since then.
My guidance counselor in college made me realize how much I needed psychotherapy.
She asked me, "Some people would be happy when they tell you your strengths, but why are you crying?"
It made me realize that I don't believe myself even when I'm telling the truth. I don't believe that I have the capacity to do anything good.
“And is that working for you?”
She says it all the time. It’s really helped me understand that there are reasons I’ve thought about or done things a certain way and that isn’t bad, but now that my life is different those ways are not working for me anymore.
She asked me to come up with one thing I physically liked about myself and I just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t come up with a single thing. I broke down and cried and that was when I realized I had a problem with self image and self hatred. All of my self talk was negative. (I’m fairly pretty and I was a healthy weight, but I thought I was massively overweight)
It sounds superficial but it kind of broke down a lot of walls for me and helped me realize I had more problems to work through than I thought, and not just surface level ones. It helped me realize I needed to change my self talk drastically and learn to love myself. It’s what has stuck with me most from therapy. That was ten years ago.
“What are you going to do about it?” - made me realize that sometimes I get stuck in a rut where I’m unhappy, but I don’t actually take action to change things… and therefore I stay unhappy. I say this to myself all the time now.
“Do you know how to enjoy life? Have fun and let yourself be happy?”
This question messed me up and I thought about it for days after. I had been in such a depressed state for years that I honestly didn’t know how to be happy
“Appreciate the quality, not the quantity.”
I had spoken to her about some very intense emotions. My mother had me in her late 40s. She currently has cancer and has reached retirement. I’m her youngest (20) and we have an AMAZING relationship. Recently because of the anxiety that life gives, I’ve been upset because she’s getting older and I haven’t had a ton of time (in retrospect) with her. Ms. Therapist basically told me to take a chill pill and appreciate what I have. She’s absolutely right
I am very sorry for what you and your mother are going through. It's not something that seems to be taught in our society naturally - how to deal with aging/ailing parents when you yourself are not a full fledged adult yet. I am going through something similar. It's 1000x harder than anything I have ever delt with before. You are not alone. But also, record videos of time you spend together. Nothing 'special' per se just like an hour of life. Set up a camera and just let it roll. When she's gone you are going to appreciate having a video of her just being her everyday wonderful self. ♥️. Hang in there. It's hard and it hurts- but it' only is that way because you have such a wonderful relationship with her. And that's something to be truly thankful for. 🤗
"You say that, statistically, you shouldn't be alive. Do you believe that you don't deserve to be alive?"
Really hit me. Thought I'd dealt with my issues around self-worth a long time ago, but I never realised they partially stemmed from survivor's guilt and therefore hadn't addressed that source in previous therapy trajects.
Are you doing this to punish yourself?
That one question both f*cked me up and greatly expanded my knowledge of myself.
What if this person apologizes? Are you even ready to accept an apology?' It hit me like a ton of bricks when she asked that. I wasn’t ready for an apology. I was still too angry, and I wasn’t ready to let go of that anger yet.
This was in regards to my dad choosing his brother over me when I revealed my abuse.
Seems like anger is the healthy and appropriate response to that. I am s sad for you going through such a thing.
“Are you the same person as you were before?”
This question always brings me back from ruminating about things and let me stay grounded. Because the things I was always panicking about, my therapist knew I could handle it because of my self regulation, wisdom and coping skills so I was worrying for nothing. Her reminder always lets me go “oh, right. I am no longer in the past. I have the ability to cope with whatever comes.”
"Do you think that story you're telling yourself is accurate?"
I assumed this is a different version of "Are you upset because of something someone said, or are you upset because of the way you heard it?"
Why do you feel you need to stay in that job if it’s making you so unhappy?
“Who are you comparing yourself to?”
I had very poor self esteem from comparing myself to others.
I truly didn’t realize I was exclusively comparing myself to people who I thought were smarter than me, more attractive, more interesting etc. Huge revelation for me.
It wasn't a question but I was supposed to have 4 covered sessions with him and at the end of the 4th session, before I told him myself, he said something along the lines of "I think I have way too little experience with the things you are dealing with to be helpful for you."
Really appreciated that.
"Could I ask, why do you accept these people and behaviours into your life?"
After describing a previous breakup, person did me wrong, and I took it really deep into my feelings, but didn't have to.
Me : Tells therapist something that I’m doing that is actively destroying my life and causing me pain
Therapist - “How does that serve you”
Me - “[Screw] You”
No look, it must serve you in some way, some warped, ineffective way, or you wouldn't do it. Like drinking to forget you're an alcoholic means you forget for a couple of hours.
Good therapists can really help you break down decades of negative patterns and suffering. I would always remind people that you may not gel well with the first therapist you find, and that's okay. When you find the right fit, it's very obvious. It's okay to do just one session with someone and then say you are looking for something different. Don't give up on therapy because you don't find the right therapist first time out.
I have anxiety and struggle with bad thought spirals, oftentimes involving imaginary conversations, or imaginary versions of people criticizing me. My therapist asked me, "Have you tried telling them to shut up?" The question absolutely stunned me. I had never before considered that because the versions of the people talking in my head are IMAGINARY, I can just tell them to SHUT UP without any consequences, because they're not real people. It's helped me immensely.
"What are you trying so hard not to think about?" Stopping to finally figure it out really hit me hard, but it was what I needed to do.
Good therapists can really help you break down decades of negative patterns and suffering. I would always remind people that you may not gel well with the first therapist you find, and that's okay. When you find the right fit, it's very obvious. It's okay to do just one session with someone and then say you are looking for something different. Don't give up on therapy because you don't find the right therapist first time out.
I have anxiety and struggle with bad thought spirals, oftentimes involving imaginary conversations, or imaginary versions of people criticizing me. My therapist asked me, "Have you tried telling them to shut up?" The question absolutely stunned me. I had never before considered that because the versions of the people talking in my head are IMAGINARY, I can just tell them to SHUT UP without any consequences, because they're not real people. It's helped me immensely.
"What are you trying so hard not to think about?" Stopping to finally figure it out really hit me hard, but it was what I needed to do.
