Hey Pandas, AITA For Being Wary Of An Old Friend Who Wants To See My Baby?
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English is not my first language, and this is my first post, so I’m sorry for any flaws in the content.
I (F30) and my wife (30) have been together since 2015 and married since 2022. We have a newborn daughter and three dogs. We are a happy little family.
My wife, let’s call her Sandra, is very outgoing and easy to talk to. I’m more cautious and quiet.
Onto the story:
I have this friend (F30), whom I’ve known since elementary school. Let’s call her Lisa. We haven’t been in touch for 15 years. Lisa was bullied throughout her school life, and I was well-liked (not one of those “popular girls”, but the kind type who got along with everybody), so being Lisa’s friend protected her a lot from bullying.
She had lots of insecurities, and her coping mechanism was to copy my actions, style, and art (woodwork, drawing, things you had to do in school). It was irritating, but I felt compassion for her, so I let it slide and never said anything.
In high school, we drifted to different friend groups, and I started to date this emo-style girl. Suddenly, Lisa started to dress like the girl I dated, dyed and cut her hair similarly, and tried to alter her handwriting to be similar. It was weird, but I didn’t think about it too much at the time. We didn’t even talk that much; we’d greet each other in the halls, and I’d shut down nasty talks about her whenever I heard. So, I thought she was just finding herself and trying new things, but this was just her style of doing that (outright copying somebody else). You know teenagers, they do radical stuff.
After high school, I never met or heard about Lisa again and didn’t try to look for her on Facebook.
Fast forward to last summer, my wife and I were taking our dogs to swim at a local beach when this lady with three kids (all under 7, I think) suddenly stops me and says she knows me
Image credits: inonoyazy (not the actual photo)
I’m like, yes, that’s me, but I don’t recall who you are. The lady looks surprised and introduces herself as Lisa. She insists that we exchange phone numbers and get coffee sometime.
On the way home, I explain to my wife who Lisa is and that I’m not keen on seeing her or starting a new friendship. My wife insists that I need to start engaging with people more and that she would love to have new friends here (we live in a small town where I’m from, and Sandra doesn’t have many friends). I argue that it doesn’t feel right and Lisa is a bit odd, and I’m afraid that she’ll try to trauma dump all her bad experiences from childhood and find comfort from me, making it very awkward. My wife said I imagine too much and am a mean person if I just never text Lisa since she was so happy to see me.
So, we agree to meet at a coffee shop. We had one of our dogs with us (I insisted, so we’d have a solid reason if we had to cut the meeting short)
Image credits: kaboompics (not the actual photo)
At the coffee shop, Lisa is kind of nervous and doesn’t answer any questions my wife asks, so we end up keeping up the conversation mainly between me and my wife. We try to get Lisa involved by asking questions and talking about topics we imagine she’d be comfortable discussing. We find out she is married to a man she’s been with for 14 years, who plays a lot of video games and doesn’t like people.
After an hour or so, we decide it’s time to go, which seems to upset Lisa. As she walks with us toward the parking lot, she starts to blurt out all these bad things that happened to her in high school. She’s on the edge of tears as she tells how it all felt. I try to say that I hope everything is better now and that those bullies have hopefully grown up and won’t bother her anymore.
Then she starts talking about her dad: “You remember my dad? He wasn’t that great…” Her tears start dropping, and I just have to stop her. I say that I really don’t know about that, and I’m sorry she had a bad childhood and hope she is doing better now.
As I’m trying to change the subject, we get to our car and Sandra goes to walk the dog for a little while. Lisa is still kind of overwhelmed and seems like she doesn’t know how to proceed. I’m looking to get in the car to sit down (I was very pregnant at the time) and was waiting for her to realize that this was the time we’d part, but she just lingers. As my wife nears the car, Lisa blurts out that she had a big crush on me in high school. I was so uncomfortable and just said thanks and that’s flattering. Then I kind of waved at her, said I got to go, sat in the car, and was pleased my wife had noticed my discomfort, exchanged the mandatory pleasantries with Lisa, and drove us away.
On the way home, we discussed the meeting and were both kind of like, “WTF just happened?” My wife laughed about my prophecies being accurate and said it was weird to be treated like she didn’t even exist by Lisa. She wasn’t mad at her; she found the whole meeting funnily odd. I was adamant that I wouldn’t want that type of meeting ever again.
Time went by, and I thought maybe Lisa also realized the meeting was a disaster and we’d just ghost each other and move on with our lives, but no…
Image credits: Pexels (not the actual photo)
Today, I received a WhatsApp message from her wishing me a happy new year and wondering how we must be all about our baby now and asking if she could come to visit to see the baby.
I don’t want her here. I don’t want her in our home and to touch our baby. I’m afraid that she’ll just stick around all day and start trauma dumping again, and I don’t want to hear any of that. I even said to my wife that if she came, she’d probably change her looks to resemble my wife. Sandra said that’s a ridiculous and mean thing to say.
I didn’t respond to Lisa and asked my wife if I could just say something like, “Happy New Year to you too. We are happy about our baby, but we don’t accept any visitors.”
My wife said I’m silly about how I anticipate things to happen and that it might be a nice visit, and I should just let her come. I think my wife just wants to see me handle uncomfortable situations and eat popcorn while I struggle to be nice at the same time as I’m trying to get rid of somebody.
I have a hard time telling people no, and I would love to just ghost Lisa altogether, but my wife says that would be mean. AITA if I tell Lisa not to come?
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
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Trust your insticts. They were correct from the beginning. It's unlikely you can help this sad person but the situation will suck the life out of you. Tell Lisa you're sorry but you and your wife are hunkering down with the baby and aren't having visitors. The kindest thing to do is to either go full in and get her the help she clearly needs, or tell her you can't reconnect because . The most obvious white lie is that your wife is uncomfortable. That's not about Lisa and spares her feelings. Or a kind version of the truth... you're introverted and with the baby you're not able to be a friend right now.There is no happy ending here. It's a matter of making the least painful exit possible. I don't understand where your wife is coming from at all, but I'm old and have seen a lot. Maybe everybody has to live through the bitter reality of getting deep into a no-win situation before they recognize what it looks like while you're still scratching the surface. Sadly, we can't save everybody. I would be pained by your wife's response to offer you up to be Lisa's friend. You need to clearly communicate with her about how this makes you feel. If she says you're overreacting that's a red flag that needs to be addressed. Partners don't push each other into situations that feel icky or make your alarm bells ring. If I were you, I would put my energy into using this as an opportunity to strengthing your marriage rather than trying to save Lisa.
“I do not feel comfortable with Lisa. I do not feel safe with Lisa. I do not feel safe having Lisa around our baby. I do not feel safe having Lisa in our home.” Just keep repeating this, like a mantra, to yourself and to your wife. Also, it might be time to lockdown your social media and check what your web presence is (eg What information you have about yourself on LinkedIn, Google, etc).
Yes great point about the web information!
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Your Wife should be more understanding. You're the one unconfortable and dealing with this, so it's your decision. Please stand your ground and say no to the visit. Lisa doesn't seem to be over her crush and you shouldn't deal with all of this.
Wife reminds me of those well meaning people who tell their spouses to let abusive parents into their lives because “they’re family” or “that was a long time ago, they’ve changed”. No, they haven’t. And OP owes some girl from high school popping up out of nowhere after 15 years NOTHING., even if they were friends. Just ghost her and lock down social media. You don’t have to be a man to be a crazy, love obsessed stalker. And OP needs to make her wife understand that clearly.
Load More Replies... Trust your insticts. They were correct from the beginning. It's unlikely you can help this sad person but the situation will suck the life out of you. Tell Lisa you're sorry but you and your wife are hunkering down with the baby and aren't having visitors. The kindest thing to do is to either go full in and get her the help she clearly needs, or tell her you can't reconnect because . The most obvious white lie is that your wife is uncomfortable. That's not about Lisa and spares her feelings. Or a kind version of the truth... you're introverted and with the baby you're not able to be a friend right now.There is no happy ending here. It's a matter of making the least painful exit possible. I don't understand where your wife is coming from at all, but I'm old and have seen a lot. Maybe everybody has to live through the bitter reality of getting deep into a no-win situation before they recognize what it looks like while you're still scratching the surface. Sadly, we can't save everybody. I would be pained by your wife's response to offer you up to be Lisa's friend. You need to clearly communicate with her about how this makes you feel. If she says you're overreacting that's a red flag that needs to be addressed. Partners don't push each other into situations that feel icky or make your alarm bells ring. If I were you, I would put my energy into using this as an opportunity to strengthing your marriage rather than trying to save Lisa.
“I do not feel comfortable with Lisa. I do not feel safe with Lisa. I do not feel safe having Lisa around our baby. I do not feel safe having Lisa in our home.” Just keep repeating this, like a mantra, to yourself and to your wife. Also, it might be time to lockdown your social media and check what your web presence is (eg What information you have about yourself on LinkedIn, Google, etc).
Yes great point about the web information!
Load More Replies... Your Wife should be more understanding. You're the one unconfortable and dealing with this, so it's your decision. Please stand your ground and say no to the visit. Lisa doesn't seem to be over her crush and you shouldn't deal with all of this.
Wife reminds me of those well meaning people who tell their spouses to let abusive parents into their lives because “they’re family” or “that was a long time ago, they’ve changed”. No, they haven’t. And OP owes some girl from high school popping up out of nowhere after 15 years NOTHING., even if they were friends. Just ghost her and lock down social media. You don’t have to be a man to be a crazy, love obsessed stalker. And OP needs to make her wife understand that clearly.
Load More Replies...
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