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Woman Doesn’t Understand Why Men Run Away From Her, Friend Tells Her Harsh Truth
You know you’re about to step into dangerous territory when someone asks for your “honest opinion” and says they definitely “won’t get mad” because of what you tell them. That’s exactly what happened to Reddit user NorthernCanadaEh, who recently shared his uncomfortable experience on r/AITAH.
After being cornered by his friend, the man was asked to weigh in on a very sensitive topic: a chest tattoo that immortalizes her former fiancé. What followed was a vivid Titanic analogy and a raw conversation that ended in tears.
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Name tattoos can be either a beautiful tribute or painful reminder, depending on how the story ended
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And this woman isn’t sure if hers is being received well by the men she’s dating
Image credits: guyswhoshoot / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: NorthernCanadaEh
Can post-trauma tattoos help people heal?
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
Tattoos are common. 32% of adults in the US have at least one, including 22% who have more.
Once associated with marginalized, oppressed, victimized, or transient social groups, tattoos have become part of mainstream culture.
And while the reasons for inking your skin are as varied as the people who do it, the ‘aftermath of trauma’ tattoo has been observed as a trend.
Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP, is a licensed psychologist and an adjunct professor in the Doctoral Program of Long Island University and on the faculty of the Post-Doctoral Programs of the Derner Institute of Adelphi University. She notes that:
- Across generations and wars, those in the military have used tattoos as tributes to fallen brothers in arms;
- In the aftermath of 9/11, civilians and firefighters throughout the world chose tattoos as an indelible reminder of the terrorist assault, the courage of first responders, and the loss of so many;
- Sociologists Glen Gentry and Derek Alderman estimate that there are thousands of Katrina- and New Orleans-related tattoos reflecting both horrific images of crumbling buildings and gushing floodwater, as well as signs and symbols of a beloved city;
- In the wake of the unprecedented destruction from Hurricane Sandy, there have been numerous tattoo fundraisers.
“Whether a traumatic event involves a car accident, escape from freezing floodwaters, or the loss of a child, it is registered in our body in terms of the survival reflexes of fight, flight, and freeze,” Phillips says. “Encoded under these conditions, our memory of the traumatic event is not registered as narrative but as fragments of highly charged visual images, bodily feelings, tactile sensations, or sensory reactivity to reminders of the event.”
Because of this, trauma experts encourage us to work from the body out in the course of recovery and healing to attend to the sensations, senses, and images that carry the imprint of trauma. And in that sense, tattoos make sense.
“[They] use the body to register a traumatic event, [which] is a powerful re-doing. It starts at the body’s barrier of protection, the skin, and uses it as a canvas to bear witness, express, release and unlock the viscerally felt impact of trauma,” the psychologist explains.
“Connection with self and others in a way that makes the future a possibility is crucial in healing and moving beyond trauma. When a tattoo is more than a static sign of identification with loss or pain, when it is an ongoing reminder of pain suffered and pain survived, it becomes transformative and serves as an ongoing sign of resiliency and possibility.”
However, this particular design isn’t just the late fiancé’s initials with their engagement date. Instead of remembrance, it signifies everlasting possession, and to some, that might be two different things.
The woman provided more information in the comments as her story went viral
Most people believe there’s nothing wrong with the tattoo
But some say she jumped the gun
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What do you think ?
Joe Reaves 4 months ago
The issue is with the tattoo being there all the time. While you expect someone who has lost a partner to always have them in their heart while, hopefully, having room for someone else who comes along, when you have a tattoo like that there is no moment that is just for the two of you. He's always *right there*, completely unable to be ignored. Even if she's not thinking of him at that moment, you are, unwillingly.
Anthony Elmore 4 months ago
This 100%. A guy's going to understand missing someone who died. They're going to TRY to understand why the tattoo is important, but they're going to be constantly reminded. It's going to wear pretty heavily on them though, because the reminder is always just right there. They're reminded of it more than YOU are, because they see it half the time they look at you. S**t, my body's covered in these swirl patterns of pigmentation, and I forget they're there half the time, but people looking at me see them every time. Please don't make your SO think about your dead ex more than you do. It's not about preventing someone from thinking about their dead ex, it's about not constantly reminding your SO that they're the consolation prize.
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Marcos Valencia 4 months ago (edited)
You can't be TA when you're asked for your honest opinion and that's what you give. But, indeed, it's complicated. If my wife loved deeply her boyfriend while they were together, I'm just second choise? Can't she love me even more? There is "only one true love" in life? I had two meaningful gf's before marrying my wife (one for almost 8 years, the second for 3 years), and I really loved both of them. And now, I love my wife even more than I loved them. I got no tattoos, but I wrote letters, I wrote dedications in books (and I received a few, too), with deep, sincere love. I found my "forever person" three times in life. But, I understand a tattoo can be "too much" for many people, probably it could also be somehow unconfortable to me (even if the guy is, unfortunately, dead).
BeesEelsAndPups 4 months ago
I'd add that the Titanic is just a movie. It's totally possible for a real "Rose" to have loved both Jack and her Husband. And if you are dating a person over the age of 25, and expecting that you will be their first and only love, you are fooling yourself. Is it possible? Sure, but it's not very likely. And if that person is a widow/widower, you have to expect that they will want to hold on to some aspects of their past. They didn't grow apart, or choose to end the relationship. They lost a loved one.
Load More Replies...
Power puff scientist 4 months ago
It's anyone's right to do whatever they please but need to understand you don't want to deal with it. If you go to your love interests house and they still have their exes photos standing in the room and no matter how long you date they won't remove the photos that's super awkward. A tattoo is kind of the same, as the new partner you are constantly reminded of the ex. A tattoo like that is even worse because it's easily visible and will probably often lead to conversations when people find it you are not Brian or whatever. Needing to deal with that anytime you meet new people can be super awkward for everyone involved.
Marcos Valencia 4 months ago
Even if the ex is dead? I think that would make an important difference.
Load More Replies...
Apatheist Account2 4 months ago
One more reason never to have a tattoo. I had to wait until my fourth girlfriend before I found one that lasted. I understand her commitment to Brian, but every guy is going to wonder whether she's making subconscious comparisons. To say "any man worth the time wouldn't care" is at best naïve.
Ace 4 months ago (edited)
I'm still in quite an early stage of grieving my wife who died suddenly a few months ago. I don't have a tattoo, but I'm still wearing my wedding ring and some of her favourite pieces of jewellery. It's difficult to imagine how I may feel ten years down the line, or even one, but the way I feel right now any future partner would need to understand that they could never replace her... 😭The wedding ring stays.
Mimi M 4 months ago
I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. May you find strength and comfort and feel her spirit around you always.
Load More Replies...
Emilu 4 months ago
She asked; he told her. How the héll does that make him TA? Again, and as always, YTAs are smoking something fantastic/terrible. She’s not an AH for a tattoo for her first love, but her choice does mean potential suitors may be wary. NAH, but the friend is maybe a bit naive going into dating and not expecting her tattoo to be an issue.
Tabitha 4 months ago (edited)
She could remove the prominent tattoo and have a smaller one of something only she and Brian shared and loved together—-favorite plant, favorite animal, favorite actor, if they both loved Christmas then a small Christmas tree, or whatever the two of them shared a love for. Something small and discreet without Brian’s name on it that only she knows has everything in the world to do with him. Her new boyfriends will never know, and she doesn’t have to tell them anything, or at least none of the true backstory, about it, because it’s a secret only she and Brian shared. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing an idea for a solution.
Rika 4 months ago
There are two big issues with that tattoo: the placement and the wording. Let's be honest for a minute, if you were to meet a girl who has "Forever Brian's" tattooed on her t*ts, would your first thought REALLY be that it must be a way to honor her deceased partner ? I'm pretty sure the guys she dates could get over a name and date tattooed on her wrist or something. What makes them uncomfortable is they know a lot of people are going to think the girl got that tattoo from her former "job", and they don't feel like having to explain, "No, Brian wasn't her p*mp who forced her to get that tattoo when she worked for him." to their friends and family after introducing her.
Orysha 4 months ago
This story hit a litlle too close. You can't win against a ghost, the tatoo is a permanent visual reminder, and that's complicated enough without it . Either you tell your partner about your lost love and they get jealous or you don't and they think you don't trust them enough. Maybe someone accepting it exists but I still have to meet them.
Joe Reaves 4 months ago
The issue is with the tattoo being there all the time. While you expect someone who has lost a partner to always have them in their heart while, hopefully, having room for someone else who comes along, when you have a tattoo like that there is no moment that is just for the two of you. He's always *right there*, completely unable to be ignored. Even if she's not thinking of him at that moment, you are, unwillingly.
Anthony Elmore 4 months ago
This 100%. A guy's going to understand missing someone who died. They're going to TRY to understand why the tattoo is important, but they're going to be constantly reminded. It's going to wear pretty heavily on them though, because the reminder is always just right there. They're reminded of it more than YOU are, because they see it half the time they look at you. S**t, my body's covered in these swirl patterns of pigmentation, and I forget they're there half the time, but people looking at me see them every time. Please don't make your SO think about your dead ex more than you do. It's not about preventing someone from thinking about their dead ex, it's about not constantly reminding your SO that they're the consolation prize.
Load More Replies... Marcos Valencia 4 months ago (edited)
You can't be TA when you're asked for your honest opinion and that's what you give. But, indeed, it's complicated. If my wife loved deeply her boyfriend while they were together, I'm just second choise? Can't she love me even more? There is "only one true love" in life? I had two meaningful gf's before marrying my wife (one for almost 8 years, the second for 3 years), and I really loved both of them. And now, I love my wife even more than I loved them. I got no tattoos, but I wrote letters, I wrote dedications in books (and I received a few, too), with deep, sincere love. I found my "forever person" three times in life. But, I understand a tattoo can be "too much" for many people, probably it could also be somehow unconfortable to me (even if the guy is, unfortunately, dead).
BeesEelsAndPups 4 months ago
I'd add that the Titanic is just a movie. It's totally possible for a real "Rose" to have loved both Jack and her Husband. And if you are dating a person over the age of 25, and expecting that you will be their first and only love, you are fooling yourself. Is it possible? Sure, but it's not very likely. And if that person is a widow/widower, you have to expect that they will want to hold on to some aspects of their past. They didn't grow apart, or choose to end the relationship. They lost a loved one.
Load More Replies... Power puff scientist 4 months ago
It's anyone's right to do whatever they please but need to understand you don't want to deal with it. If you go to your love interests house and they still have their exes photos standing in the room and no matter how long you date they won't remove the photos that's super awkward. A tattoo is kind of the same, as the new partner you are constantly reminded of the ex. A tattoo like that is even worse because it's easily visible and will probably often lead to conversations when people find it you are not Brian or whatever. Needing to deal with that anytime you meet new people can be super awkward for everyone involved.
Marcos Valencia 4 months ago
Even if the ex is dead? I think that would make an important difference.
Load More Replies... Apatheist Account2 4 months ago
One more reason never to have a tattoo. I had to wait until my fourth girlfriend before I found one that lasted. I understand her commitment to Brian, but every guy is going to wonder whether she's making subconscious comparisons. To say "any man worth the time wouldn't care" is at best naïve.
Ace 4 months ago (edited)
I'm still in quite an early stage of grieving my wife who died suddenly a few months ago. I don't have a tattoo, but I'm still wearing my wedding ring and some of her favourite pieces of jewellery. It's difficult to imagine how I may feel ten years down the line, or even one, but the way I feel right now any future partner would need to understand that they could never replace her... 😭The wedding ring stays.
Mimi M 4 months ago
I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. May you find strength and comfort and feel her spirit around you always.
Load More Replies... Emilu 4 months ago
She asked; he told her. How the héll does that make him TA? Again, and as always, YTAs are smoking something fantastic/terrible. She’s not an AH for a tattoo for her first love, but her choice does mean potential suitors may be wary. NAH, but the friend is maybe a bit naive going into dating and not expecting her tattoo to be an issue.
Tabitha 4 months ago (edited)
She could remove the prominent tattoo and have a smaller one of something only she and Brian shared and loved together—-favorite plant, favorite animal, favorite actor, if they both loved Christmas then a small Christmas tree, or whatever the two of them shared a love for. Something small and discreet without Brian’s name on it that only she knows has everything in the world to do with him. Her new boyfriends will never know, and she doesn’t have to tell them anything, or at least none of the true backstory, about it, because it’s a secret only she and Brian shared. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing an idea for a solution.
Rika 4 months ago
There are two big issues with that tattoo: the placement and the wording. Let's be honest for a minute, if you were to meet a girl who has "Forever Brian's" tattooed on her t*ts, would your first thought REALLY be that it must be a way to honor her deceased partner ? I'm pretty sure the guys she dates could get over a name and date tattooed on her wrist or something. What makes them uncomfortable is they know a lot of people are going to think the girl got that tattoo from her former "job", and they don't feel like having to explain, "No, Brian wasn't her p*mp who forced her to get that tattoo when she worked for him." to their friends and family after introducing her.
Orysha 4 months ago
This story hit a litlle too close. You can't win against a ghost, the tatoo is a permanent visual reminder, and that's complicated enough without it . Either you tell your partner about your lost love and they get jealous or you don't and they think you don't trust them enough. Maybe someone accepting it exists but I still have to meet them.
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