Woman Seeks Support After Being “Uninvited” From Sister’s Wedding, Gets Dragged Instead
Interview With Expert
It means the world to marrying couples if their loved ones can make it to their wedding. After all, it makes sense that they want their nearest and dearest to witness their celebration of love. However, when the guests start making unreasonable demands, it can lead to a lot of hurt feelings—on all sides.
One anonymous woman turned to the AITA online community for their verdict after she was uninvited from her sister’s wedding and then stirred up some drama. Many internet users were shocked by her behavior and were candid about their take on the situation. Scroll down for the full story, as well as the response from the internet.
Bored Panda wanted to learn more about sibling rivalry, so we reached out to Corinna Jenkins Tucker, Ph.D., C.F.L.E. She was kind enough to shed some light on this topic. Tucker is the Director of the Sibling Aggression and Abuse Research and Advocacy Initiative (SAARA), which is located at the Crimes against Children Research Center, University of New Hampshire. You’ll find the insights she shared with us below.
Marrying couples are in charge of curating the guest list, however, this can unintentionally lead to some tension
Image credits: Emma Bauso / Pexels (not the actual photo)
One woman shocked the internet after she revealed how she let her rivalry with her sister, who is getting married, get out of hand
Image credits: Justin Clark / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Engin Akyurt / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Old-Direction2968
Image credits: Vlada Karpovich / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Couples shouldn’t feel pressured to change their entire wedding just because one person is unhappy
According to the author of the anonymous post, her sister should have taken her feelings into account and thrown a child-free wedding. While some couples do decide to organize child-free weddings, and there are some pros to doing this, nobody should feel like they’re forced to make the decision.
Organizing a wedding is about finding a nice balance between how the happy couple envisions what’s supposed to be the happiest day of their lives and what their guests would enjoy. Ultimately, the marrying couple has the final say about who gets invited and what the general theme of the wedding is. As for the details, they can alter some of them to better suit the needs of their guests and make them feel more comfortable.
Not inviting kids because one of your family members dislikes them would mean upsetting lots of other guests instead. At the end of the day, everyone is free to organize their own child-free weddings if they want it. However, they shouldn’t demand that others massively change their plans for the wedding and the guestlist due to their personal mental health and emotional issues.
The entire drama didn’t stop there, however. Instead of graciously bowing out of taking part in the wedding, the author of the post shared how she then stirred up drama on social media on purpose. She made herself look like the victim. Meanwhile, many of her sister’s guests are now refusing to attend.
The AITA online community was absolutely horrified by what happened. Many redditors called the OP out for being entitled and manipulative. Others suggested that she seek professional help from mental health specialists.
Meanwhile, some internet users suggested that the OP might have been jealous of her sister and wanted to draw more attention to herself.
Image credits: FamilyStock / Envato Elements (not the actual photo)
The intent to harm is what separates sibling rivalry from aggression and abuse
According to Tucker, the Director of SAARA, there are numerous reasons why siblings may feel resentment toward each other. These include jealousy, unfavorable treatment by parents, as well as one of the siblings being aggressive or abusive toward the other.
Sibling rivalry, aggression, and abuse are different things. Rivalry mainly focuses on competition for or protests about parents’ or caregivers’ attention, favor, and resources. Aggression is behavior that is intended to cause either physical or emotional harm. Meanwhile, abuse is behavior that causes or has a high likelihood of causing physical or emotional harm.
“Rivalry is about finding unique successes or developing personal qualities that make a person different from their sibling to capture parents’ attention. Too much rivalry can lead to aggressive behavior,” Tucker explained to Bored Panda via email.
“Before that happens, parents can help with perspective-taking skills and using mediation techniques to help settle conflicts.”
We asked Tucker about when someone can tell that a line has been crossed when it comes to sibling rivalry.
“When the behavior has an intent to harm, then a line is crossed. When the aggression becomes severe, one-sided, and part of a pattern, that is abuse. The harmed sibling may feel tormented,” she said.
“Others (e.g., parents, other siblings) and professionals may need to help with recognition if the harmed sibling does not realize what is happening. In the case of abuse, outside professional help is needed, and reconciliation may not be possible.”
Image credits: Pressmaster / Envato Elements (not the actual photo)
Even though sibling rivalry can be found in many families, it can sometimes get out of hand
Sibling rivalry is not uncommon. However, it can be very unhealthy if it goes too far. Verywell Mind points out that some of the signs of such rivalry include jealousy, bragging, showing off, as well as a strong focus on competition.
On top of that, siblings who compete with one another do so for their parents’ attention and support. If taken too far, sibling rivalry can lead to family members not treating each other as equals, even as adults.
In some cases, siblings actually see each other as enemies and try to undermine them in whatever way possible.
The best thing to do in these cases would be to get together and talk things out. Get to the root of the problem. Try to reconcile your differences. Genuinely and actively listen to each other instead of accusing one another about ‘always doing this or that.’
Now, let’s not be naive: that’s easier said than done. In more serious cases, folks may need to go to therapy for a long time to change their perspective and heal their relationships with their relatives.
However, in cases of actual aggression or abuse, it can be safest for the victim to stop all contact with their sibling.
Most readers were very critical of the author. Here’s what they had to say about the entire drama
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I agree with the commenter that hand me downs are usually more upsetting for the younger child. They’re always getting things second hand, and their sibling got brand new clothes and toys. And would OP really want to give those toys and clothes to her “potential future children” (who I assume she won’t have if she hates kids and is 40), rather than buy cute new clothes in her own style? OP really needs to see a therapist because 25 years later she still makes everything about herself.
And she was 15, even if she did have to help out with the baby it was only for 3 years...wow this person sounds incredibly spoiled.
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I don't want to negate genuine feelings, but the OP had 15 years as an only child, with all the attention that goes with that. At 15, you're usually trying to be more independent and look to your peers rather than parents for validation. I wonder if there's an element of a wounded inner child that's still very angry that mummy had a new baby? If so, the therapist isn't doing them any favours by encouraging the sense of victimhood. This is family life.
Agreed. OP is either omitting actual accounts of abuse or is being overly coddled
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Well, everything that needed to be said has, more or less, been said, I think.
And I doubt she was happy with the answers that she got.
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The upside of less mental health stigma: more people are seeking help. The downside: a******s call it "trauma" when other people exist in their world.
Right?! I agree. It honestly makes me both angry and sad for those that have experienced and suffer from real trauma. Lady needs a reality check. If I were her family, I'd go NC until she got her sh*t together.
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I would LOVE to hear the sister's side of this. I bet she has some stories.
Or she's abusing the therapist -patient confidentiality by telling people her therapist is reassuring her while in reality she's not. But I'd bet she does this and lying to her shrink too as you said.
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When I read about the toys., I immediately knew it was a YTA post.. I don't understand., did her parents ignore her in the span of 15 years before her sister born or what? What is her trauma about?
I was flabbergasted, too, by the age difference. You bring up a good point that something happened *before* that. I remember moments at frustration with missing an activity to pick up a younger sibling, but I don't think I was parentified at all. There's a lot more going on for someone to be traumatized to that extent. Personality disorder, maybe?
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Op sounds like a spoiled rotten and entitled narcissist who refuses to share her parents with another person.
I only read three or four paragraphs and couldn't take anymore. OP is definitely a total a*****e. She has a trauma because her parents gave her clothes and toys to her younger sister instead of making an altar and worship them? Tough luck. Deal with it. She sounds like a manipulative piece of SHlT who uses her (probably imaginary) trauma to get what she wants. The older I get, the more I hate this kind of people.
Was hoping for an update along the lines of "ok, so IATA and have publicly apologised on social media for my previous b******t".
I think this lady is on the spectrum of narcissistic pd. She'll never apologize to anyone for anything. Her family should honestly go NC to protect their own mental health/wellbeing.
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I can't believe the younger sister still wants them in their life. Imagine basically being told 'you being born is the source of all my trauma'
Let's add "not only is my trauma your total existence, but it prevents me from from even being around a single child ANYWHERE. I imagine the younger sister knows it's just Narcissistic B***h Syndrome. But still.
Load More Replies... This is bonkers. I'm not the biggest fan of kids myself, but I'm not "traumatized" by them as this lady claims to be. And I certainly wouldn't make a stink about someone's wedding if they choose to have kids there!
YTA - if you are 15 and your parents have another baby, that baby will need more time and attention than a teenager. If they reuse your old babystuff, that's normal. As long as it's not "They went into my bedroom, took my childhood lovie Bearbear from my bed and gave it to my toddler sister." hand-me-downs are expected. Expecting you to help with the younger kid, and babysit, is also normal at 15+ "Watch your younger sibling for an hour while mum runs errands" is not parentification "It's your responsibility to pick the kid up from nursery when you finish school, look after them all afternoon, fix their dinner, bathe them and put them to bed." every day, is parentification. Sounds like older kid was and is jealous, and is misrepresenting the situation on social media for sympathy. If she's in therapy, she needs to check whether she's being completely honest there, or if she's manipulating her therapist too.
Or if the therapist is a good one who isn’t catering to her narcissistic tendencies to keep the fees rolling in….
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Maybe not necessarily TA (possible trauma doesn't make you TA), but definitely unhinged. "I assumed it would be childfree because I don't like kids"!?
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Well, first off, your therapist sucks or is stringing you along for more money. Second, the world does not revolve around you and whatever bent stuff is inside your head.
Big YTA, it does not sound like your sister uninvited you, she wants to allow children at her wedding, and has every right to. You don't want to attend 1 event with children present, and based on what you wrote it sounds like your sister understands that decision and is related to your trauma. You took it to social media and got other family members involved to get your sister to adjust her wedding and uninvite other people to suit your desires. Even though other family members jumped onto your bandwagon you are still the A-hole. If your trauma is that bad where you can't attend 1 event with children present politely decline the invite and STFU. I (43M) am childfree, and feel sorry for you if you can't even look to enjoy being a fun aunt/uncle. Don't blame your sister if she goes no contact with you after this.
I imagine that if her sister has kids, OP will never attend another family event, and never meet the kids at all. Which is probably a good thing for any kids. Who would want to be around someone who hates you for existing?
Load More Replies... Wow, if you are low contact, you are low priority. The other people including the children are important or they wouldn't be invited. OP admits to not retracting a lie because they want to obscure the fact they lied. Sounds like low contact is a blessing, but too bad all this drama is unfolding.
OP's past trauma has way too much influence on her life as a 40 y.o. adult. I know dealing with old pains can be tough, but by this age one should be able to at least manage it, i.e. be able to confront said trauma without losing control. Or at least that's how I see it (having had my own fair share of painful childhood memories).
Depends how deep and complex the trauma is. 35-45 is often when women with major childhood trauma break down because they can't hold it back anymore. CPTSD groups are most often comprised of women that age (don't know about men). I checked the Reddit thread, and her other "traumas" are things like having to vacuum and help clean house as an adult (she lived there till 26) whilst the 10-year-old only had to do smaller chores like keep her room clean. Oh, and sometimes she had to pick up the kid from school when she wanted to go home and relax or had other things she wanted to do. OP is not 'traumatized' from a perfectly normal family life. She's either bitter because the world stopped revolving around her or she's traumatized herself by convincing herself she's a victim.
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Last comment "have you considered getting a grip?"😅😅😅😅😅😅😅seriously
Commemter is right. Hand-me-downs effect the younger worse as they get older items. Nothing new or "their own". And given how kids can have different personalities this disreguards that fully. Also add on how toys/tech/fashion changes in 15 years. She has outta date stuff unlike her Friend's which can be embarrassing. OP is either omitting crucial details of abuse/neglect or her therapist is not good at their job agreeing shes been trusmatozed
She gave more details on the Reddit. She also had to, as an adult living there, do chores like vacuuming and sometimes pick the sister up from school when she wanted to be relaxing at home. I don't think she has a therapist. I think she's narcissistic and bitter and feigning trauma to punish her parents for having another child and her sister for existing at all.
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"I didn't go into detail because I didn't think that it was anyone else's business." Yet 👏 you 👏 posted 👏 about 👏 it 👏 on 👏 social 👏 media. 👏 This is just sad. You were 15 years old when your sister was born. You were not robbed of a childhood. You put your sister in a difficult position and then get upset about her decision to do what is best for herself. Then you post about it on social media yet omit the details because iT iSn'T tHeIr BuSiNeSs LOL. You must be a person that very few people like.
"you put your sister in a difficult position and then get upset about her decision to do what is best for herself". No not really. Firstly, it isn't really all about what is best for herself, but rather about what is best for the rest of the family. Secondly, when the choice is about choosing between pleasing an absent sister with some serious issues when it comes to coping with the real world that is caused by some dilutional ideas about how it works, and having a peaceful wedding with more resonable people around, it isn't really hard to see which one is the better option. The choice is rather easy to make, put the need of the many over the fictious needs of a single person, who isn't really that important. To be quite honnest, I think OP is doing her sister a favor by staying away. OP only sounds like trouble and unessesary drama, so low/no contact sounds like the best option for everybody, as OP sound like a horrible narcisist, and they tend to break everything they come close to.
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OP needs to get a grip. Abuse and neglect is NOT having your toys and clothes handed down to a younger sibling ffs. I grew up with hand me downs.
So at 15 your parents had another kid but were not rich enough to buy them new stuff. I think this person just has issues.
This wasn’t written by an actual human was it? It can’t be real. Wouldn’t you try to make yourself look good by stating how happy you are her, how great her fiancé is, SOMETHING? Then back up the truck and unload the baggage? I can’t believe it.
OMG, OP only made 1 single comment and the entitlement is strong on this one. Her idea of neglect was having to walk home with her sister (occasionally) and for 2 whole days and 1 whole night when her sister was 9 years old (making her 24 years old) because her grandfather died and her parents had to go help her grandmother deal. She even lived at home with her parents until she was 26 (that's 14 years ago bear in mind) and had to do things "like dishes and vacuuming" and her sister was "only responsible for her room and clearing up after herself" - that little girl was only 11 when OP left home. JFC, you gotta read the whole comment - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/D4hFtJV8rr
I did, and I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. At 11, I was cooking meals, doing dishes, vacuuming, all of it. I spent my 13th summer being full-time nanny/housekeeper to 4 kids whilst parents worked 12 hour shifts. THAT was parentification. What that woman experienced was normal family life, and relatively easy, too. I'm sorry, but nobody gets to live their whole life without having to consider others or help out or spend time doing things they don't want to. It's pissing me off she's using the word trauma, because I'm an actual CPTSD patient (and going to get my certification to help others once I'm finished treatment), and that is not trauma. Calling it such cheapens it, and makes it harder for those of us who have had real trauma to be taken seriously.
Load More Replies... I am the oldest child of 3. I know exactly how this feels, it's awful. I mean sure don't post-it 9n social media, but you should definitely talk to your friends about it
You are assuming that she has friends. With those personality traits, she isn't a person that I think I could be around for extended periods of time, unless paid to do so, and I think that the majority of other people would think along similar lines. She sounds like too much work for too little benefits, and I don't really see how befriending people like her could be of any value to anybody. She sounds like problems and drama all the time, and I don't think therapy helps. I just think she is just paying the therapist to take on the role of a friend she can whine about her life to.
Load More Replies... I was an only child and my parents treated me like a princess. Then I got a little sister and I had to share my parents with her. Not fair so it's normal I hate kids. My parents don't understand this trauma but I'm really the biggest victim ever. Won't nobody think of ME (and Me and Me)?
"I am low contact with parents and sister... why would she choose a child, that seems to be way more involved in the brides life, over me?" Weird to see she is my age, we are usually a bit less snowflakey. 🤣
I'm 66, and quite a few of the people I know in my age group are drama queens. It's just over different stuff than the younger ones!
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How does this person manage to live in the world?? Do they panic anytime there are children in the vicinity? What an absolute twat!
I know this type (been in a lot of trauma therapy groups and slowly working on my certification now). In her regular life, she is perfectly fine around kids. She needs a great deal of attention and validation, which she must get from friends considering she's LC with family, so she will do what she must to keep a lot of friends. At 40, that's nearly impossible to do without tolerating children, because people will pick their kids over her. This is an act she puts on for the family to dig in the knife.
Load More Replies... Oh good lord, I imagine quite a bit of context was left out? Was the issue of her baby clothes/toys being handed down the only (admitted) issue? Really? If so, this woman needs much more serious therapy than she is currently receiving. Trauma from hand me downs, that's it? Wow, I *kind of* feel for her, not justifying at all (at all), but holly smokes! stating she is so profoundly "traumatized" by this? Wowza! Lots going on here, lots.....
I checked the Reddit post. The other traumas were having to do chores whilst living as an adult in the family home (vacuuming and some housework) whilst little sister didn't have to do as many. And having to pick her up from school sometimes, even though she wanted to be at home relaxing or doing something else. The one thing that seemed a bit unfair was she had to stay home from her grandpa's funeral to care for the sister when she wanted to go. But considering how unpleasant she seems, I half wonder if the parents did that to keep her away from the funeral so she wouldn't upset the newly-widowed grandma or make a scene. Her family didn't traumatize her. She's either bitter because she's a narcissist or she traumatized herself by convincing herself she's a victim (also indicative of narcissism).
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Ooof, I thought maybe there was some real parentification going on that led to, you know, actual trauma, and that she just chose a very very poor example to give. I mean, she'd still be in the wrong for expecting her low-contact sister to disinvite close friends but at least it would mean people were going a little overboard in dragging her. Well, I found the comment she gave citing further examples of the parentification and it sounds like she really was expected to do very little. Still living at home at 26 and being asked to do harder chores than her 11 year old sister, or having to drive her around sometimes. Either she is *still* neglecting to give the details that actually explain her point of view, or (more likely) she needs to accept that she has blown it all out of proportion in her mind. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1afmjax/comment/kob37qh/]
She wants validation, so she's giving the details. She's just so self-centred that she thinks those things were abuse. I'm a CPTSD patient. I've been in many trauma groups. I'm starting to work on my own certification to help others like me. She does not have any sort of PTSD unless she's given it to herself by convincing herself she was traumatized. At this point, she's just finding excuses to punish her parents for having another child and her sister for existing.
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The only thing I'll add to this is the first red flag SHE should have had to smack her selfish big head back into reality with the rest of us is SHE DIDN'T TELL HER THERAPIST! She knows good and well she's in the wrong; she's just looking for more unhinged people out there who may support her "feelings" and maybe run and tell that to her crappy therapist when they tell her she was wrong. People have issues, but that doesn't not mean for one freakin' second the world has to care. Also, shout out to JasJoeGo and UncomfortableKumquat for taking the words right out of my mouth. Great job! Also,
so they were upset that she favoured her close friends over her so she should invite a number of close friends or tell them not to bring their kids because she doesn't like kids. trying to make it all about her and she didn't uninvite her either you declined the invitation how narcissistic can you be definitely YTA
I wore my brother's hand-me-downs, for pity's sake.
As much as I agree with YTA, I find it problematic when people have a go at OP for calling it her 'trauma'. Yes, it might not qualify as per medical definition, but first of all, we hardly have another word that conveys what she means, and secondly, if she's not an expert, she's not supposed to know what exactly is a trauma and what isn't. "What we think is / isn't a trauma" doesn't help, please remember that not so long ago being raped was 'no big thing, unless you get pregnant, and then you're a whore". Also, hyperbole exists. If I told the story how my broken nose was set and said "I was dying from the pain", do you clever boys and girls come along and tell me that nobody dies from a broken nose? No, because you understand that I'm using a metaphor.
I hope this is a fake post because if it is real, then OP is truly a hot mess. Getting upset that her parents reused her old baby clothes and baby things when she was 15 is just pathetic. A 15 year old being asked to babysit her baby sister is not parentification. Parentification is when a child is required to take care of a younger sibling every day on a regular basis and the parents just pretty much check out and relinquish all responsibility. Babysitting is not parentification. And how pathetic is it that her jealousy and resentment has made her unable to be around any children at all? What a pathetic loser.
I work in psych. This woman needs a new therapist, there are unfortunately many types of therapists and many of them suck. I generally only recommend MFTs ( marriage and family therapists) unless there is a specific diagnoses that needs a different therapist, but generally MFTs have the best training. Her therapist should be helping her move past this, not avoid it.
Sounds like continueing the low contact will be the best way forward from here for all parties. OP because appearantly she is so fragile that even everyday life seem to stress her out, and the rest of the family because OP is seriously dilutional, and have no sense how the world works. That seems to create a lot of problems for her, which is readily "outsourcing" to everyone else to deal with, rather than her working on herself and reflecting on her issues and what she can do about it. We can only hope that the therapy she is going in can help her see what she is infact doing, but she sounds like a narcisist, and that belongs in the family of psycopaths, and they are notoriously difficult to treat as there is something physical in their brains that is not wired correctly.
Her childhood was ruined... She was already 15, she had like three years of childhood left! Hell, I've met emancipated 15 YOs. I have a funny feeling that OP was absolutely SPOILED as an only child and once another child was added to the mix, they got jealous. I also wonder how much of the truth they're telling their therapist.
I don't care to be around kids either, usually because I see too many parents not actually parenting their kids, but I would never expect someone to exclude kids from their wedding solely because I said so. OPs parents must have spoiled her rotten before the younger sister was born, for her to have such an exaggerated sense of self-centered victimization.
I'm going to assume that her parents are 100% a******s, but it's not the kids fault.
The therapist should say, "that FB post set you back to square one as far as your progress. I don't think I can help you as we're not a good fit. I suggest you find an alternative therapist who specializes in personality disorders and cognitive behavioral therapy. If you don't think apologizing to your sister both publicly (online) and in person are your next steps, then you are in worse shape than I thought." This post reads like this lady has mislabeled trauma for pure jealousy. It honestly makes me angry for people who have experienced and suffer from real trauma. While I certainly don't know all the details, what she did refer to as trauma, such as her sister getting her old toys and clothes, just reeks of contempt. For her sister's sake, I hope she decides not to attend the wedding. She sounds like a burden to deal with. I sincerely hope she gets some help. If not for her sake, for the sake of those that have to endure her.
I really hope the sister is on BP and can share this with the fam!
There's so many terms or conditions that get abused these days. Every incident is trauma. Everything is a trigger. Every quirk is now OCD. Every headache is a migraine. Everything causes anxiety now. Etc, etc,... It's exhausting how so.many have latched onto these terms like a life preserver and we're forced to accept these conditions lest we be seen as insensitive ogres. I feel sorry for the people who actually do suffer and have to watch these yahoos whine and complain because mommy gave my sister my hand me downs. And I hope this woman never leaves her house, because there are children EVERYWHERE. The horror!
It is not your place to dictate anyone's wedding. It's not yours. Period. Family responsibility is to be there and be supportive. Period. You were 15 and there was a new baby in the house, a baby needs more attention than a 15 year old. Are you saying parents checked out and made you raise her? She was 5 when you were 20. Were you still living at home? Yes, you are the @$$.
Wow! I can see a 15 year old, only child having a problem with a new baby and all the attention it needs (because you know, it's a BABY) and maybe the parents were a bit AHish, but when I read about the hand me downs, that was it. It feels like a typical teenager tantrum 'but they're mine etc etc' has developed into a full blown obsession of self and how she's the victim. She's 40ffs. Lots of people carry baggage about their childhood, some are the size of those old fashioned steamer trunks you see in movies, but she has filled her handbag sized baggage with bricks and is bashing everyone, screaming how she's the victim. She was expecting her sister to accommodate the wedding to her needs. She's having a giraffe. What an a*hole
Reddit copy/paste again ? Can't believe a lot of that Reddit junk ever happened.
Partially YTA, the facebook post was not necessary. But I'm the oldest sibling of three, this is definitively not only about clothing and toys.
I was (and still am) the oldest of two. What does that have to do with it, and what makes you say it's not only about clothing and toys? What do you have to base that on?
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I agree with the commenter that hand me downs are usually more upsetting for the younger child. They’re always getting things second hand, and their sibling got brand new clothes and toys. And would OP really want to give those toys and clothes to her “potential future children” (who I assume she won’t have if she hates kids and is 40), rather than buy cute new clothes in her own style? OP really needs to see a therapist because 25 years later she still makes everything about herself.
And she was 15, even if she did have to help out with the baby it was only for 3 years...wow this person sounds incredibly spoiled.
Load More Replies... I don't want to negate genuine feelings, but the OP had 15 years as an only child, with all the attention that goes with that. At 15, you're usually trying to be more independent and look to your peers rather than parents for validation. I wonder if there's an element of a wounded inner child that's still very angry that mummy had a new baby? If so, the therapist isn't doing them any favours by encouraging the sense of victimhood. This is family life.
Agreed. OP is either omitting actual accounts of abuse or is being overly coddled
Load More Replies... Well, everything that needed to be said has, more or less, been said, I think.
And I doubt she was happy with the answers that she got.
Load More Replies... The upside of less mental health stigma: more people are seeking help. The downside: a******s call it "trauma" when other people exist in their world.
Right?! I agree. It honestly makes me both angry and sad for those that have experienced and suffer from real trauma. Lady needs a reality check. If I were her family, I'd go NC until she got her sh*t together.
Load More Replies... I would LOVE to hear the sister's side of this. I bet she has some stories.
Or she's abusing the therapist -patient confidentiality by telling people her therapist is reassuring her while in reality she's not. But I'd bet she does this and lying to her shrink too as you said.
Load More Replies... When I read about the toys., I immediately knew it was a YTA post.. I don't understand., did her parents ignore her in the span of 15 years before her sister born or what? What is her trauma about?
I was flabbergasted, too, by the age difference. You bring up a good point that something happened *before* that. I remember moments at frustration with missing an activity to pick up a younger sibling, but I don't think I was parentified at all. There's a lot more going on for someone to be traumatized to that extent. Personality disorder, maybe?
Load More Replies... Op sounds like a spoiled rotten and entitled narcissist who refuses to share her parents with another person.
I only read three or four paragraphs and couldn't take anymore. OP is definitely a total a*****e. She has a trauma because her parents gave her clothes and toys to her younger sister instead of making an altar and worship them? Tough luck. Deal with it. She sounds like a manipulative piece of SHlT who uses her (probably imaginary) trauma to get what she wants. The older I get, the more I hate this kind of people.
Was hoping for an update along the lines of "ok, so IATA and have publicly apologised on social media for my previous b******t".
I think this lady is on the spectrum of narcissistic pd. She'll never apologize to anyone for anything. Her family should honestly go NC to protect their own mental health/wellbeing.
Load More Replies... I can't believe the younger sister still wants them in their life. Imagine basically being told 'you being born is the source of all my trauma'
Let's add "not only is my trauma your total existence, but it prevents me from from even being around a single child ANYWHERE. I imagine the younger sister knows it's just Narcissistic B***h Syndrome. But still.
Load More Replies... This is bonkers. I'm not the biggest fan of kids myself, but I'm not "traumatized" by them as this lady claims to be. And I certainly wouldn't make a stink about someone's wedding if they choose to have kids there!
YTA - if you are 15 and your parents have another baby, that baby will need more time and attention than a teenager. If they reuse your old babystuff, that's normal. As long as it's not "They went into my bedroom, took my childhood lovie Bearbear from my bed and gave it to my toddler sister." hand-me-downs are expected. Expecting you to help with the younger kid, and babysit, is also normal at 15+ "Watch your younger sibling for an hour while mum runs errands" is not parentification "It's your responsibility to pick the kid up from nursery when you finish school, look after them all afternoon, fix their dinner, bathe them and put them to bed." every day, is parentification. Sounds like older kid was and is jealous, and is misrepresenting the situation on social media for sympathy. If she's in therapy, she needs to check whether she's being completely honest there, or if she's manipulating her therapist too.
Or if the therapist is a good one who isn’t catering to her narcissistic tendencies to keep the fees rolling in….
Load More Replies... Maybe not necessarily TA (possible trauma doesn't make you TA), but definitely unhinged. "I assumed it would be childfree because I don't like kids"!?
Load More Replies... Well, first off, your therapist sucks or is stringing you along for more money. Second, the world does not revolve around you and whatever bent stuff is inside your head.
Big YTA, it does not sound like your sister uninvited you, she wants to allow children at her wedding, and has every right to. You don't want to attend 1 event with children present, and based on what you wrote it sounds like your sister understands that decision and is related to your trauma. You took it to social media and got other family members involved to get your sister to adjust her wedding and uninvite other people to suit your desires. Even though other family members jumped onto your bandwagon you are still the A-hole. If your trauma is that bad where you can't attend 1 event with children present politely decline the invite and STFU. I (43M) am childfree, and feel sorry for you if you can't even look to enjoy being a fun aunt/uncle. Don't blame your sister if she goes no contact with you after this.
I imagine that if her sister has kids, OP will never attend another family event, and never meet the kids at all. Which is probably a good thing for any kids. Who would want to be around someone who hates you for existing?
Load More Replies... Wow, if you are low contact, you are low priority. The other people including the children are important or they wouldn't be invited. OP admits to not retracting a lie because they want to obscure the fact they lied. Sounds like low contact is a blessing, but too bad all this drama is unfolding.
OP's past trauma has way too much influence on her life as a 40 y.o. adult. I know dealing with old pains can be tough, but by this age one should be able to at least manage it, i.e. be able to confront said trauma without losing control. Or at least that's how I see it (having had my own fair share of painful childhood memories).
Depends how deep and complex the trauma is. 35-45 is often when women with major childhood trauma break down because they can't hold it back anymore. CPTSD groups are most often comprised of women that age (don't know about men). I checked the Reddit thread, and her other "traumas" are things like having to vacuum and help clean house as an adult (she lived there till 26) whilst the 10-year-old only had to do smaller chores like keep her room clean. Oh, and sometimes she had to pick up the kid from school when she wanted to go home and relax or had other things she wanted to do. OP is not 'traumatized' from a perfectly normal family life. She's either bitter because the world stopped revolving around her or she's traumatized herself by convincing herself she's a victim.
Load More Replies... Last comment "have you considered getting a grip?"😅😅😅😅😅😅😅seriously
Commemter is right. Hand-me-downs effect the younger worse as they get older items. Nothing new or "their own". And given how kids can have different personalities this disreguards that fully. Also add on how toys/tech/fashion changes in 15 years. She has outta date stuff unlike her Friend's which can be embarrassing. OP is either omitting crucial details of abuse/neglect or her therapist is not good at their job agreeing shes been trusmatozed
She gave more details on the Reddit. She also had to, as an adult living there, do chores like vacuuming and sometimes pick the sister up from school when she wanted to be relaxing at home. I don't think she has a therapist. I think she's narcissistic and bitter and feigning trauma to punish her parents for having another child and her sister for existing at all.
Load More Replies... "I didn't go into detail because I didn't think that it was anyone else's business." Yet 👏 you 👏 posted 👏 about 👏 it 👏 on 👏 social 👏 media. 👏 This is just sad. You were 15 years old when your sister was born. You were not robbed of a childhood. You put your sister in a difficult position and then get upset about her decision to do what is best for herself. Then you post about it on social media yet omit the details because iT iSn'T tHeIr BuSiNeSs LOL. You must be a person that very few people like.
"you put your sister in a difficult position and then get upset about her decision to do what is best for herself". No not really. Firstly, it isn't really all about what is best for herself, but rather about what is best for the rest of the family. Secondly, when the choice is about choosing between pleasing an absent sister with some serious issues when it comes to coping with the real world that is caused by some dilutional ideas about how it works, and having a peaceful wedding with more resonable people around, it isn't really hard to see which one is the better option. The choice is rather easy to make, put the need of the many over the fictious needs of a single person, who isn't really that important. To be quite honnest, I think OP is doing her sister a favor by staying away. OP only sounds like trouble and unessesary drama, so low/no contact sounds like the best option for everybody, as OP sound like a horrible narcisist, and they tend to break everything they come close to.
Load More Replies... OP needs to get a grip. Abuse and neglect is NOT having your toys and clothes handed down to a younger sibling ffs. I grew up with hand me downs.
So at 15 your parents had another kid but were not rich enough to buy them new stuff. I think this person just has issues.
This wasn’t written by an actual human was it? It can’t be real. Wouldn’t you try to make yourself look good by stating how happy you are her, how great her fiancé is, SOMETHING? Then back up the truck and unload the baggage? I can’t believe it.
OMG, OP only made 1 single comment and the entitlement is strong on this one. Her idea of neglect was having to walk home with her sister (occasionally) and for 2 whole days and 1 whole night when her sister was 9 years old (making her 24 years old) because her grandfather died and her parents had to go help her grandmother deal. She even lived at home with her parents until she was 26 (that's 14 years ago bear in mind) and had to do things "like dishes and vacuuming" and her sister was "only responsible for her room and clearing up after herself" - that little girl was only 11 when OP left home. JFC, you gotta read the whole comment - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/D4hFtJV8rr
I did, and I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. At 11, I was cooking meals, doing dishes, vacuuming, all of it. I spent my 13th summer being full-time nanny/housekeeper to 4 kids whilst parents worked 12 hour shifts. THAT was parentification. What that woman experienced was normal family life, and relatively easy, too. I'm sorry, but nobody gets to live their whole life without having to consider others or help out or spend time doing things they don't want to. It's pissing me off she's using the word trauma, because I'm an actual CPTSD patient (and going to get my certification to help others once I'm finished treatment), and that is not trauma. Calling it such cheapens it, and makes it harder for those of us who have had real trauma to be taken seriously.
Load More Replies... I am the oldest child of 3. I know exactly how this feels, it's awful. I mean sure don't post-it 9n social media, but you should definitely talk to your friends about it
You are assuming that she has friends. With those personality traits, she isn't a person that I think I could be around for extended periods of time, unless paid to do so, and I think that the majority of other people would think along similar lines. She sounds like too much work for too little benefits, and I don't really see how befriending people like her could be of any value to anybody. She sounds like problems and drama all the time, and I don't think therapy helps. I just think she is just paying the therapist to take on the role of a friend she can whine about her life to.
Load More Replies... I was an only child and my parents treated me like a princess. Then I got a little sister and I had to share my parents with her. Not fair so it's normal I hate kids. My parents don't understand this trauma but I'm really the biggest victim ever. Won't nobody think of ME (and Me and Me)?
"I am low contact with parents and sister... why would she choose a child, that seems to be way more involved in the brides life, over me?" Weird to see she is my age, we are usually a bit less snowflakey. 🤣
I'm 66, and quite a few of the people I know in my age group are drama queens. It's just over different stuff than the younger ones!
Load More Replies... How does this person manage to live in the world?? Do they panic anytime there are children in the vicinity? What an absolute twat!
I know this type (been in a lot of trauma therapy groups and slowly working on my certification now). In her regular life, she is perfectly fine around kids. She needs a great deal of attention and validation, which she must get from friends considering she's LC with family, so she will do what she must to keep a lot of friends. At 40, that's nearly impossible to do without tolerating children, because people will pick their kids over her. This is an act she puts on for the family to dig in the knife.
Load More Replies... Oh good lord, I imagine quite a bit of context was left out? Was the issue of her baby clothes/toys being handed down the only (admitted) issue? Really? If so, this woman needs much more serious therapy than she is currently receiving. Trauma from hand me downs, that's it? Wow, I *kind of* feel for her, not justifying at all (at all), but holly smokes! stating she is so profoundly "traumatized" by this? Wowza! Lots going on here, lots.....
I checked the Reddit post. The other traumas were having to do chores whilst living as an adult in the family home (vacuuming and some housework) whilst little sister didn't have to do as many. And having to pick her up from school sometimes, even though she wanted to be at home relaxing or doing something else. The one thing that seemed a bit unfair was she had to stay home from her grandpa's funeral to care for the sister when she wanted to go. But considering how unpleasant she seems, I half wonder if the parents did that to keep her away from the funeral so she wouldn't upset the newly-widowed grandma or make a scene. Her family didn't traumatize her. She's either bitter because she's a narcissist or she traumatized herself by convincing herself she's a victim (also indicative of narcissism).
Load More Replies... Ooof, I thought maybe there was some real parentification going on that led to, you know, actual trauma, and that she just chose a very very poor example to give. I mean, she'd still be in the wrong for expecting her low-contact sister to disinvite close friends but at least it would mean people were going a little overboard in dragging her. Well, I found the comment she gave citing further examples of the parentification and it sounds like she really was expected to do very little. Still living at home at 26 and being asked to do harder chores than her 11 year old sister, or having to drive her around sometimes. Either she is *still* neglecting to give the details that actually explain her point of view, or (more likely) she needs to accept that she has blown it all out of proportion in her mind. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1afmjax/comment/kob37qh/]
She wants validation, so she's giving the details. She's just so self-centred that she thinks those things were abuse. I'm a CPTSD patient. I've been in many trauma groups. I'm starting to work on my own certification to help others like me. She does not have any sort of PTSD unless she's given it to herself by convincing herself she was traumatized. At this point, she's just finding excuses to punish her parents for having another child and her sister for existing.
Load More Replies... The only thing I'll add to this is the first red flag SHE should have had to smack her selfish big head back into reality with the rest of us is SHE DIDN'T TELL HER THERAPIST! She knows good and well she's in the wrong; she's just looking for more unhinged people out there who may support her "feelings" and maybe run and tell that to her crappy therapist when they tell her she was wrong. People have issues, but that doesn't not mean for one freakin' second the world has to care. Also, shout out to JasJoeGo and UncomfortableKumquat for taking the words right out of my mouth. Great job! Also,
so they were upset that she favoured her close friends over her so she should invite a number of close friends or tell them not to bring their kids because she doesn't like kids. trying to make it all about her and she didn't uninvite her either you declined the invitation how narcissistic can you be definitely YTA
I wore my brother's hand-me-downs, for pity's sake.
As much as I agree with YTA, I find it problematic when people have a go at OP for calling it her 'trauma'. Yes, it might not qualify as per medical definition, but first of all, we hardly have another word that conveys what she means, and secondly, if she's not an expert, she's not supposed to know what exactly is a trauma and what isn't. "What we think is / isn't a trauma" doesn't help, please remember that not so long ago being raped was 'no big thing, unless you get pregnant, and then you're a whore". Also, hyperbole exists. If I told the story how my broken nose was set and said "I was dying from the pain", do you clever boys and girls come along and tell me that nobody dies from a broken nose? No, because you understand that I'm using a metaphor.
I hope this is a fake post because if it is real, then OP is truly a hot mess. Getting upset that her parents reused her old baby clothes and baby things when she was 15 is just pathetic. A 15 year old being asked to babysit her baby sister is not parentification. Parentification is when a child is required to take care of a younger sibling every day on a regular basis and the parents just pretty much check out and relinquish all responsibility. Babysitting is not parentification. And how pathetic is it that her jealousy and resentment has made her unable to be around any children at all? What a pathetic loser.
I work in psych. This woman needs a new therapist, there are unfortunately many types of therapists and many of them suck. I generally only recommend MFTs ( marriage and family therapists) unless there is a specific diagnoses that needs a different therapist, but generally MFTs have the best training. Her therapist should be helping her move past this, not avoid it.
Sounds like continueing the low contact will be the best way forward from here for all parties. OP because appearantly she is so fragile that even everyday life seem to stress her out, and the rest of the family because OP is seriously dilutional, and have no sense how the world works. That seems to create a lot of problems for her, which is readily "outsourcing" to everyone else to deal with, rather than her working on herself and reflecting on her issues and what she can do about it. We can only hope that the therapy she is going in can help her see what she is infact doing, but she sounds like a narcisist, and that belongs in the family of psycopaths, and they are notoriously difficult to treat as there is something physical in their brains that is not wired correctly.
Her childhood was ruined... She was already 15, she had like three years of childhood left! Hell, I've met emancipated 15 YOs. I have a funny feeling that OP was absolutely SPOILED as an only child and once another child was added to the mix, they got jealous. I also wonder how much of the truth they're telling their therapist.
I don't care to be around kids either, usually because I see too many parents not actually parenting their kids, but I would never expect someone to exclude kids from their wedding solely because I said so. OPs parents must have spoiled her rotten before the younger sister was born, for her to have such an exaggerated sense of self-centered victimization.
I'm going to assume that her parents are 100% a******s, but it's not the kids fault.
The therapist should say, "that FB post set you back to square one as far as your progress. I don't think I can help you as we're not a good fit. I suggest you find an alternative therapist who specializes in personality disorders and cognitive behavioral therapy. If you don't think apologizing to your sister both publicly (online) and in person are your next steps, then you are in worse shape than I thought." This post reads like this lady has mislabeled trauma for pure jealousy. It honestly makes me angry for people who have experienced and suffer from real trauma. While I certainly don't know all the details, what she did refer to as trauma, such as her sister getting her old toys and clothes, just reeks of contempt. For her sister's sake, I hope she decides not to attend the wedding. She sounds like a burden to deal with. I sincerely hope she gets some help. If not for her sake, for the sake of those that have to endure her.
I really hope the sister is on BP and can share this with the fam!
There's so many terms or conditions that get abused these days. Every incident is trauma. Everything is a trigger. Every quirk is now OCD. Every headache is a migraine. Everything causes anxiety now. Etc, etc,... It's exhausting how so.many have latched onto these terms like a life preserver and we're forced to accept these conditions lest we be seen as insensitive ogres. I feel sorry for the people who actually do suffer and have to watch these yahoos whine and complain because mommy gave my sister my hand me downs. And I hope this woman never leaves her house, because there are children EVERYWHERE. The horror!
It is not your place to dictate anyone's wedding. It's not yours. Period. Family responsibility is to be there and be supportive. Period. You were 15 and there was a new baby in the house, a baby needs more attention than a 15 year old. Are you saying parents checked out and made you raise her? She was 5 when you were 20. Were you still living at home? Yes, you are the @$$.
Wow! I can see a 15 year old, only child having a problem with a new baby and all the attention it needs (because you know, it's a BABY) and maybe the parents were a bit AHish, but when I read about the hand me downs, that was it. It feels like a typical teenager tantrum 'but they're mine etc etc' has developed into a full blown obsession of self and how she's the victim. She's 40ffs. Lots of people carry baggage about their childhood, some are the size of those old fashioned steamer trunks you see in movies, but she has filled her handbag sized baggage with bricks and is bashing everyone, screaming how she's the victim. She was expecting her sister to accommodate the wedding to her needs. She's having a giraffe. What an a*hole
Reddit copy/paste again ? Can't believe a lot of that Reddit junk ever happened.
Partially YTA, the facebook post was not necessary. But I'm the oldest sibling of three, this is definitively not only about clothing and toys.
I was (and still am) the oldest of two. What does that have to do with it, and what makes you say it's not only about clothing and toys? What do you have to base that on?
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