Woman Wonders If She’s Wrong For Not Wanting To Take Husband’s 8-Year-Old On Holiday While Taking Their Baby Son
Recently, a mom’s post shared on the Mumsnet forum caught everyone’s attention and divided opinions.
“My partner has an 8-year-old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months),” the mom explained. “Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby,” she explained.
The controversy was stirred by the fact that the mom doesn’t want her stepdaughter on her holiday with her. Read on below to find out what the mom had to say about it, and make sure to share your thoughts in the comments below!
A mom caused controversy by claiming she doesn’t want to pay for her stepdaughter to take her on holiday together
Image credits: Sarah Chai
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The author added more information about the whole situation
Research shows that children in stepfamilies are at greater risk for emotional problems among others
Image credits: choreograph (not the actual photo)
A growing body of research indicates that children of divorce and children in stepfamilies are at somewhat greater risk for academic, behavioral and emotional problems than children in nuclear families. Girls in stepfamilies, particularly those with stepmothers, are said to have distinct adjustment problems that girls in nuclear families do not experience.
According to psychologist Patricia Papernow, Ed.D., who is a member of the National Stepfamily Resource Center’s expert council, “a stepfamily is fundamentally a different structure and it makes a different foundation for relationships than a first-time family.” One of these differences is that in a stepfamily, the spouses do not have an equal relationship to the children or in the parenting process.
On the other hand, some experts believe that although loving your stepchildren is a wonderful element of the relationship between stepmothers and stepkids, respect and kindness are the only mandatory components.
Wednesday Martin, in her popular book “Stepmonster,” argues that safe home and the necessities of life are also required to provide, but love isn’t. The idea still remains controversial among others who claim that loving a stepchild like your biological child is crucial.
Some people said the mom has a right to spend time with her newborn without her stepdaughter
Others, however, said she shouldn’t exclude her stepdaughter as it will hurt her
Many people thought that the dad should be responsible for paying for his daughter to take her on holiday and not the stepmom
Great idea! And for her ninth birthday, you can get the bakery to ice "You're not mine and I don't love you" on her cake.
My thoughts exactly. Seems she'll always prefer her own child.
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She thinks a holiday will be relaxing with a baby around? LOL she's delusional. She's better off leaving both the kids at home if she really wants a relaxing holiday all that much...
Don't get married to someone who already is a parent and then have a child with him unless you are going to be parent for the existing child. YABTA!
And yet....all of the modern guidance is that you are NOT their parent, shouldn't force the child to see you as a parent, should defer to their real parents in all things and never attempt to replace or usurp a parent. if or when this kid calls her mom? Then she gets full mom treatment. Until then, they are step child and step parent, which is a completely different relationship. They are required to be respectful and pleasant to each other, and that is it.
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Exactly. That's one of the most self centered entitled concept.
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This lady is an a*****e. A stepkid isn't an optional child, you take on all the responsibilities of being a Parent when you become a Step Parent. How much relaxing are you planning on having on vacation with a NEWBORN. Did you know they scream all night long. Take both kids on vacation or you can't afford to go on vacation. Piece of s**t parent.
She really thinks spending a holiday taking care of a 3 month old is going to be a fun and relaxing holiday?? Not to mention, if her partner "works a lot", he's not going to want to spend it taking care of the baby and talking to her, he's going to want to just relax and enjoy himself.
We had the reverse. We never excluded my stepkids... they are my daughter's siblings. My siblings father isn't my father, but they aren't half-siblings... they are siblings. If the OP is trying to drive a wedge between these children, this type of behavior would do that. My wife would never treat her children differently and I would never ask her to... If the roles were reversed, it would be the same. I don't know that I would last with someone who thought that was okay to do with my child...
My mom and stepdad made ALL ofus a family. My father and stepmother never really tried. We were always an obligation, a duty, a clearly resented nuisance they had to accommodate every other weekend. You have this right. Good for you!
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The notion that she and her husband should never be allowed to have a holiday unless it is planned around her stepchild is unreasonable. Whether children are biologically connected, or brought together by blending families, no siblings have identical upbringing. The parents making this out to be an issue is what will ultimately cause the 8 y.o. to feel excluded. My thought is that it should be normal for children to understand that there are some things intended for them to participate in, and other things aren't. OP is a new mom who is, by the sound of it, lonely and exhausted, and who has planned this trip to address some of those feelings. The shift of focus to the stepdaughter is making that less likely to happen. Have we not progressed past the point that parents can't ask for what they need when they are struggling without calling them a******s or failures?
She can’t ask that the daughter not go bc of exhaustion. She can ask the dad if he would maintain both kids for a set time while she goes and rest. If she had 2 children, it would be wrong to say “well let’s just take the easy one with us this time” or how do you chose? Rock, paper, scissors? Clearly your response is selfish driven as well. Thinking you’ve done this and feel convicted by seeing these responses and being faced with how horrible it is to do that to a child. SMH
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A 3 month old can definitely be easier than a demanding hyper 8 yr old.
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My mom had three kids from her first marriage when she met my father, I'm one of the three children she had with my dad. At no point of my childhood was there any distinction made between the kids. In fact, I didn't know that the older kids were my half-siblings until I was about 10. I can't imagine growing up otherwise.
Same here. Really pays off as you get older and are there for each other.
Load More Replies... I am divorced and my ex has a new wife and two new children. He frequently - 4/5 times a year goes away with his new family and never takes my daughter citing that his new wife 'wants time with just her family'. It breaks my child's heart. She asks me why she isn't considered part of their family and I have to sit, comfort her and bite my tongue. You married a man with a child, they come as a package. Suck it up and don't be the wicked stepmother my daughter has.
You are literally trying to squeeze your step-daughter out of her dad's life, so you can make your own perfect family of three. This makes you a total a*****e. Your husband should love both his children equally, as they are equally his children. It is natural for her to be upset and jealous - from her perspective, she is being replaced in his life. This is a time when it is important to consider her feelings and make sure she isn't being shut out. It's going to set the tone of her relationship with her brother, and with you. Your husband needs to put her needs equal to your son's, and ahead of your desire to exclude her. If between the three parents, you can't afford to include your stepdaughter in the holiday, don't go.
How would you feel if HE wanted to go on holiday and leave your baby behind? Always put yourself in the other person's shoes before making these decisions!
Stepdaughter here! I have half-siblings on both sides. For most of my childhood, my mother put thoughts in my head that my stepmom didn't see me as part of the family, that my dad was trying to replace me with his new kid (until she herself got pregnant and I started asking the same about her LOL), that my half-sister wanted to push me out of the family, and that she herself was the only one who loved me... So I acted defensively towards my dad's side of the family, who actually loved me and felt bad that I was going through that. So they were always going out of their way to make me feel included, special, loved, and wanted. It doesn't matter if the stepchild will have [holiday/birthday/Christmas/any other fun] with her mother. They need that from both parents. You shouldn't marry someone with children unless you want to be a parent to those children. That means that, no matter how inconvenient they are, you don't get to cut your stepchildren out of an event simply because "not having her around is what makes it a relaxing holiday"
I bet she wouldn't want to leave the 8-year-old behind if the child were biologically hers. That's the only question you have to ask when it comes to step-children, foster children, or adoptive children. 'Would I behave this way if this were my biological child?' If the ask is no, then YTA.
She probably would as a mother of five trust me we don't have a problem with leaving children behind sometimes even if they are biologically ours
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She’s sugarcoating this to get people to be on her side about being selfish and just REALLY WISHING it was just her and her baby and the dad. Well sorry. You knew he had a baby. I bet you acted like you loved that child like she was your own to get cool points. Now that you have your own baby and him, you want to throw her to the side! Should be ashamed! If one child goes, they BOTH GO!! How would you freaking feel if he and the daughter’s mom and the daughter went on a vacation without you and your baby ???? Huh??? Girl stop.
" ...bored all the time"? Maybe she and her dad could go do something fun together. I too would find a stepmother s disregard boring!
Right? It's very telling that she views spending time with her step-daughter as "stressful" and "un-relaxing". I had plenty of boring family vacations as a kid where my parents dragged me and my siblings to things they wanted to go to - like antique fairs, craft shows, wood-turning exhibits, wine tastings [where we couldn't participate of course!], and beach trips in the middle of winter where the main even was gazing forlornly at the water as the freezing wind blasted through our thick coats while my mother tried to convince everyone this was "just as fun as going to the beach in summer! And accommodation is so much cheaper this time of year!" And while those trips weren't always entertaining or even enjoyable (I will never visit a beach in winter again! Brrr!), I still look back on them fondly because I got to spend time with my family.
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While I'm not super fond of this idea in general, I think the best time to take this trip would be when the step daughter was on a vacation as well. For now, she needs to have the dad get the step daughter some hobbies that get her out of the house aka sports or dance, that he's responsible for pick up and drop off. This sudden "vacay and leave step daughter" is not the best idea...
It makes me feel so much better that so many people on here think she's TA. It's not about getting to go on a stupid holiday. It's about being close to her dad. Which she especially needs to feel now that there's a new kid. I guarantee you OP would have a fit if her child were treated this way.
Red flags!! If this is how she feels about her step kid now she'll ignore them in future as well. Poor kid..hope husband puts his foot down!!!
Don't marry someone with a child if u don't plan on accepting that child as yours. My father married a woman who didn't have kids and I'm now 36 and haven't spoken to him in almost 15 years (his choice not mine) I also have a stepdad who had 2 kids and that man is more of a father to me than my bio dad will ever be. He accepted me and we accepted his kids and we all grew up as siblings while anytime I saw my dad his wife would do anything to not include me... going as far as having "their own Christmas" without me while I was at their house. So yes she's an a*****e and so is the dad for not sticking up for his daughter
You are the a*s. Children should come first whether it is your biological child or not.
I have vacationed with newborns before and this chick is nuts if she thinks the 8 year old is going to be the hard part. She's being cruel to her husband who also want to vacation with both his kids and have his whole family there. A self centered one for sure.
Written a different way, I probably would have come down on OP's side on this one. Having a 3 month old is tough. But I don't think that's the issue. No one exhausted by baby rearing thinks, "Taking this sleepless, ever hungry monster on holiday is a fanatic idea." No. This entire post screams "Its not fair I have to share my husband with his "old" family." She's never planning on taking a holiday with that little girl. Never. She's already convinced herself that it wouldn't be fair to her dear little boy. I wonder how she'd feel if her husband moved on to wife number 3 and it was her son being left behind.
I was that stepdaughter along with my sister. We KNEW we weren't as important to my father and stepmother. Once they had THEIR OWN children we were set on the margins. Our stepdad ALWAYS included his children on holidays with my mother's Full support and blessing. We just lost my stepdad, grieved as a family, were there for each other and always will be. My oldest sister and I are in our 60s. We're the only family my (step) sister has left. Despite the age gap we're very close. I no longer see my father, have no relationship with the children he and his wife had. I loved him as a child, but years of feeling like outsiders who were an extra burden and expense took their toll. I feel sad about my half brothers who are struggling with the loss of their mother and caring for my father, but we weren't raised as part of the family. We don't know them well enough to reach out to them. For your baby's sake I hope you reconsider.
PSA Do not have children with people who have existing children if you think like this.
Wait, this b!tch thinks traveling with an infant will be "relaxing?" Has she never met a baby prior to having one?
Yikes. This woman is the epitome of the evil step mother. Dad should put his daughter first and run from this horrid creature.
Welp, I am the stepdaughter that never went on holliday with my dad and his family. It s*cks big time. I'm almost 30 and sometimes it still upsets me, as it still happen to this day. Sometimes I even have the means to pay for myself, they just don't invite me, as they don't see me as part of their household. It's very sad to be in the other end. People who marry and have kids with others that are already parents need to learn how to include their sons' siblings and make them feel part of the family. I feel very left out by my dad.
I don't understand people who enter a relationship with someone who has kids and then expect the kids to disappear. If she didn't want a stepdaughter to be a part of her life/family, she shouldn't have married a man with a daughter.
Shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who has a kid if you can’t accept the kid as your own. She 8 wtf is wrong with you. I grew up with a stepmother who payed more attention to her own children and a father that allowed it to happen and now I don’t have a relationship with any of them because of the utter emotional abuse I endured. This poor girl knows that you don’t see her as your own and will grow up to hate you and most likely resent her sibling and her father because of this s**t. If you don’t love her the way you love your own child don’t be a stepmother. What a completely selfish women absolutely disgusting.
She wont be bonding any more with the baby on holiday than she would at home. What is really happening here is that shes exhausted and lonely, wants some time with her partner and baby where her partner picks up some of the slack and gives her a break, and having parental responsibilty for an 8 year old at the same time does not achieve this.
Why did you marry a guy that already has a kid if you aren't going to consider that kid your kid too? He has multiple kids and so do you. When you have multiple kids there's all kinds of social dynamics that need to be maneuvered around. We have three, and there was a camping trip where we left the "baby" home with the grandparents so the older two could enjoy camping without their brother crawling into the fire. There were weekend ski trips where the oldest one had a "project due" but really wanted to hang out with his friends, so we took the younger two. There were college visits where we divided and conquered. Its all part of family dynamics…but, its also full disclosure and there was never a question that we loved one less or purposely excluded them if they were excited about coming. Also, vacation with a baby is NOT the blissful experience you imagine. If you bring your 8 year old she may never want to come with you again…so problem solved!
Because single parents all say the c**p "my child already have a parent, i just want a partnet to myself".
Load More Replies... For those that were saying they were a stepchild and wouldn't have mind if it were you when you were younger, shut up. You're grown trying to speak for your younger self.
Being a Step 'mother' means that once you actually marry that man, you marry what comes with him, package deal, good and bad. It amazes me how some women ( and men) seem to think that children from another relationship should be treated as pariahs. They are kids! Not including them in anything is heartless and cruel. They won't be children forever and will be doing their own thing in a few years. When these step children are young, why is it such a hardship to accept them and include them in your life? ( especially if they are good kids?) I just think how would you feel if the role was reversed? What if it was your child being excluded? I don't agree with the OP at all.
Instead of a holiday she should just do a stay-cation. The idea of wanting a vacation with her spouse and newborn is ridiculous. A newborn requires constant attention. It's understandable she wants alone time with her partner and child, but when she married him she accepted that he had a child and when she had her child she accepted the fact that the step daughter would be the half sister. It's sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. She needs to learn to compromise before she alienates her step daughter and creates animosity between both children that will effect her relationship with her spouse and children. Either way she is not looking towards the future consequences.
i can understand both sides somehow..but my thought..eight year old is part of the family. dont exclude her. if the mom needs to rest she should get it besides this vacation. job of her partner to afford her enough me-time. during vacation dad can do some alone-trips with his daughter. its possible to include everyones needs if you really want to.
Did OP and her SO take the daughter on their honeymoon? Why does SS have to go on every holiday with OP and SO?
A honeymoon isn't a family vacation. This trip is, and by trying to exclude her stepdaughter, she's making it clear from the get-go that she doesn't think the stepdaughter counts as family. It sounds like she expected her husband to just forget about his kid from a previous relationship as soon as he had a kid with her, and now she's throwing a fit because that didn't happen.
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I'm a step daughter here. My stepmother was never really a mother to me but.. in that position? Would I have been hurt? Uh. Idk, maybe if it was school holidays but I would have been much more impressed about the baby thing bc they were both older, past the normal ages for babies & were in 50s when I was 8 (now early 70s). Taken holiday with the dog? Odd but not that odd, he's part of the family now. The only thing I got hurt about was not getting to go to their wedding bc it was a school day. I think OP should just go by herself, with or without the baby, though. A way to have gone on holiday with bay and hubby could have been to also go somewhere on the weekend with the daughter. Like maybe they go somewhere nearby during the week the daughter is with her mother, then the daughter joins them on the weekend ans they go home together. There's ways to make everyone feel included but still get the time with your partner and baby that you want.
Not that some people aren't still fertile in 50s, it's just less common. 40s or younger is more common.
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I don't get this. If you are married to a man with child and now have a blended family, then it is blended, like, together. No yours and mine but ours. You don't make a cookie and say, well, I only want to eat egg part of the cookie and not the flour part. It doesn't work that way
You are just a mother of one, but you are also a married woman, and those are two different relationships. You are definitely not that girls mother don't ever try that's sick. So, you have a right to go on vacation alone, with your husband as a couple, or with the baby or the whole family ( yes she is not your daughter but is part of the family) Never pay for more than your son and you, and yes it's totally fine to go without the kid. I have six siblings, five from my father and one from my mother and I had two stepsiblings, believe me, I went on vacation with my mother twice in my life, she simply could not afford it to add me and it was a couple vacation she had with my stepdad what was wrong with me staying for a week with my grandma? She had the right to enjoy with her husband and I had school, that's life. I don't plan on taking my children on vacation more than I can afford and I will definitely be having couple holidays and that's fine.
I never went on any holiday with my siblings at all, family holidays were at home but I live in a touristic place so we managed. I went twice with my stepdad and his sons but each parent paid for their own children of course, if my mother could not afford it I would not be going, but my stepsiblings would! What right do I have to impose? That's crazy thinking a lot o people have... I would not accept it if my stepdad paid for me it would put strain in his relationship with my mother, that is just so strange it would make me very uncomfortable. And people are even saying that she is horrible for wanting to enjoy her baby and partner after pregnancy and pay with her own money the world is crazy... She owes nothing to the kid, her partner owes her a couples vacation... He should be the one paying after she had his baby 😔
Load More Replies... That is why i would never date or marry a single parent, small things can be a nightmare, you try to something and everybody "but think of child that is not yours will feel", i want a partner that have no kids and my first kid would be his too.
That's an excellent path if you feel that way. However, this woman chose to be a stepparent without considering her inability to fully parent another person's child. Huge mistake that the stepdaughter should not be made to pay for.
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husband and I have blended family, mine and his. His daughter would go on several vacations a year, several trips to a theme park all things we could not afford. One time we went to a theme park (my company outing) did not bring step daughter, just my kids as they did not get half what she did. Her mother called loosing her sh*t because we didn't take her, she had just been and as my kids didn't get much it was a little something for them... sorry but she wants a break, the baby won't need entertainment and it's ok for them to do some things on their own. Just like parent going away without their children some times to get a break.
This is why certain ppl should not merry ppl with children
Load More Replies... If you can't handle being a step parent then don't marry someone with kids.
Great start at being the evil stepmother. Your stepdaughter is 8 years old, how could you not treat her as your bonus daughter. Horrible, horrible human being.
As a stepchild, OP is a HUGE AH! "My" baby, she says. That's all I needed to see. Talk about a real -life wicked stepmother. Why don't you just tell the poor kid "I'm not your real mom so I don't have to treat you like a real daughter" and get it out there so there's no lingering hope for the rest of her life?!
I don't like how the woman kept on refering to her stepdaughter as the "other child." She's acting like her stepdaughter is a stranger to her, when in fact, the woman is supposed to be a mother figure to the daughter. And also the woman is not considering the father's feelings about wanting to spend time with his daughter on holiday too.
I feel that she goes along. Your putting more energy in her not being included vs just setting rules that when she gets bored its on him. I know in my heart she will contribute in a way that will warm your heart. Your right on one thing, it's just this one time for you to mske a lasting impression on both your husband and your bonus child. She will surprise you and truly be the catalyst in bonding ur new small family together. The 8yo goes. Show what a mom triumphs as a win win win. Your baby will not miss a beat w attention. But the 8yo will always feel jilted. She will never understand and ita not about how many trips she goes on w her mom. It's about how she is part of your tribe. I promise you will be so glad you did !!!
You are not wrong. You are post partum and just now not totally exhausted all the time. You're paying for this special time so you should make it your way. The mother of his daughter is using her in a tug of war, to make everyone unhappy. Before your trip plan a special overnight outing close to home that she is included in. Stop talking about the trip around her. If it's possible sit down with her mom and discuss things. The daughter is 8 and she needs to learn she won't always get her way and she will survive. What she is learning now is how to manipulate the adults. It sounds like you're a good step mom. One trip is all you're asking and paying for. You're partner needs to take a stronger stand with the ex and support your request. Bring the daughter back a special gift, not too expensive Incase at 8 she loses or trashed it. I hope things work out,
who the f**k is stupid enough to think that going on holiday with a baby is not stressful or relaxing it's not going to be relaxing nothing about a baby is relaxing not until they're not a baby anymore what an idiot and an a*****e
who the f**k considers taking a baby on a holiday to be relaxing being around a baby is anything but relaxing at any time until the baby is no longer a baby what an idiot and an a*****e
I'm speaking as a step child myself AND as a father of a girl who has a step mom... if you want to go on holiday without her, DONT TELL HER! Plan the holiday during a time when she's with the other parent. Not that hard. But if you specifically plan to p**n her off before going on holiday (i.e., this is our time with you, but we're handing you over so we don't have to pay for you) then you are indeed TA. But let's say you plan it so that you leave the day after she goes to her mom's house and be back the day before she gets home, then you're fine. You get your holiday and she's none the wiser that you simply don't want her around. My family has always done this. It let's the step child believe they are wanted AND you get your holiday without the step child. Or, here's a thought, treat the stepchild like they are your own. After all, you agreed to marry the parent knowing they had a kid. Pretty basic on that fact. You CHOSE the child to be yours just as much as you chose the parent.
Didn't realize the name of the small pieces in chess was a BP censored word... looks like I said the word for adult entertainment in context of children. I hate blanket censorship....
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Not a mom and not a stepchild, so this opinion is not supported by any personal experience but I imagine this might just as much be about making the father spend time with the newborn baby and building a proper connection between them. If he has no paternity leave and works a lot, she may feel the need to push the two together more. Or, alternatively, this could really be about her need for companionship. At this stage of parenting taking a holiday without the baby would be impossible, but her need for proper contact with her partner would make a 3 person trip the closest she can get. I agree that ideally both step-children and biological children should be treated as equally as possible, but adults have needs too and ignoring them in the long term will be unhealthy to all involved parties. Frankly, I would advise her to look at the root cause of her desire for excluding her stepdaughter, and if possible be honest about it to her partner too.
Oh my shsit - you are SSOOO the AH!! I feel so sorry for this little girl, all I can say is that I hope her Dad wises up and ditches you before there's irreperable damage to the relationship between dad and daughter. When you entered into a relationship with him, you entered into a relationship with his daughter. Full stop. The fact that it's the money that is causing you to want to cut this little girl out of your family is just disgusting - it's the only thing you could have said that would have caused me to think less of you than I already did after reading the first part of your writing. You say it's YOUR money like that's something that should matter. What should matter to you is ensuring that this little girl - your baby's big sister, in case you hadn't realized - doesn't ever have to feel like she's being replaced by her younger sibling. Something tells me you definitely will remember she's the big sister whenever you need a cheap babysitter so you can save YOUR money.
I have been a step daughter and now I am a mother. I understand both sides of the fence. You want to relax and take it easy on a holiday with your husband and enjoy your new motherhood without chasing a energetic child around too. You want to enjoy bonding with your newborn and your husband. You husband sounds like he expects you to bear responsibility of the cost to treat his daughter. It sounds like 99% of the time you are okay with that. A holiday to relax for the two of you and lil bub isn't exactly a big ask. As a step daughter at that age I wouldn't have understood why I wasn't included. It is a confusing time for a child that age to find where they fit in. Might I suggest taking the dsd on a weekend trip with you and lil bubs and leave hubby at home? Not to exclude him but to show her how important she is to you too. Telling her you are proud of her being a big sister (and meaning it) will go so far. Let her be a help to you. Let her know she is part of your family. ❤️
What this woman wants is for het some break while new father is bonding with a baby. Not long time ago she already payed a holyday for her husband and his dochter. She is realy horribile to want something for herself.
She knew he had a child when she God together with him. What happens at her mother's house is no of her business. Her baby is this young girls half sibling and her husband now is the father of 2. The only way she is paying the husband's way and his daughter is if she pays half the bills then the money she has left is her savings.
Why is she even going on a super expensive vacation with a 3 months old baby? It is stressful for everyone including the baby. She should have gone with the husband before it was born that is what we did. Now we wont go anywhere for at least two years. The baby wont remember it and OP is paying too much money for the opportunity to change diapers on a different place than home.
If we look a few years ahead, should OP's kid be jealous of his stepsister whenever the stepsister goes on holiday with their mom? It would pretty much be the same thing, then again the thought of going on vacation with a 3 month old weirds me out, daily outings sure but a whole vacation, no. I do think op needs to get some other adults in her life that she can talk to though, whether that's a therapist or a friend
No it’s. Not! The other daughter’s mom is NOT the baby’s mom BUT THE DAD IS THE STEPCHILD’S DAD! That’s the DIFFERENCE!
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This lady is not wrong! As a mother of 5 children, we simply need a break at times! We cannot always in every situation put a child's feelings above ours! I totally feel this mom. She deserves a vacation without the 8yr old if she wants. If the 8 yr old can't handle that, then they need to talk to her and explain that you always can't do everything that everyone else does all the time. This lady cares for the step child, but does she not deserve a moment with her family? The lady should take her baby and go
Of course she "deserves a moment with her family". And she should have realized that marrying a man with a daughter means that the daughter is now part of her family too. She doesn't get to pick-and-choose when to treat the step-kid like part of the family and when to treat the step-kid like a barrier to her fantasy family life.
Load More Replies... Daaaayum there is some serious hatin' goin' on in here! OP just wants some time together with her, dad, and baby to do a little bonding! Step daughter's life isn't going to go down in flames because she missed going on one vacation! Good grief ya'll! Let the little family do their ONE thing for ONE time and then all FOUR of them can do the family thing for everything else from here on out! sheesh!
Great idea! And for her ninth birthday, you can get the bakery to ice "You're not mine and I don't love you" on her cake.
My thoughts exactly. Seems she'll always prefer her own child.
Load More Replies... She thinks a holiday will be relaxing with a baby around? LOL she's delusional. She's better off leaving both the kids at home if she really wants a relaxing holiday all that much...
Don't get married to someone who already is a parent and then have a child with him unless you are going to be parent for the existing child. YABTA!
And yet....all of the modern guidance is that you are NOT their parent, shouldn't force the child to see you as a parent, should defer to their real parents in all things and never attempt to replace or usurp a parent. if or when this kid calls her mom? Then she gets full mom treatment. Until then, they are step child and step parent, which is a completely different relationship. They are required to be respectful and pleasant to each other, and that is it.
Load More Replies... Exactly. That's one of the most self centered entitled concept.
Load More Replies... This lady is an a*****e. A stepkid isn't an optional child, you take on all the responsibilities of being a Parent when you become a Step Parent. How much relaxing are you planning on having on vacation with a NEWBORN. Did you know they scream all night long. Take both kids on vacation or you can't afford to go on vacation. Piece of s**t parent.
She really thinks spending a holiday taking care of a 3 month old is going to be a fun and relaxing holiday?? Not to mention, if her partner "works a lot", he's not going to want to spend it taking care of the baby and talking to her, he's going to want to just relax and enjoy himself.
We had the reverse. We never excluded my stepkids... they are my daughter's siblings. My siblings father isn't my father, but they aren't half-siblings... they are siblings. If the OP is trying to drive a wedge between these children, this type of behavior would do that. My wife would never treat her children differently and I would never ask her to... If the roles were reversed, it would be the same. I don't know that I would last with someone who thought that was okay to do with my child...
My mom and stepdad made ALL ofus a family. My father and stepmother never really tried. We were always an obligation, a duty, a clearly resented nuisance they had to accommodate every other weekend. You have this right. Good for you!
Load More Replies... The notion that she and her husband should never be allowed to have a holiday unless it is planned around her stepchild is unreasonable. Whether children are biologically connected, or brought together by blending families, no siblings have identical upbringing. The parents making this out to be an issue is what will ultimately cause the 8 y.o. to feel excluded. My thought is that it should be normal for children to understand that there are some things intended for them to participate in, and other things aren't. OP is a new mom who is, by the sound of it, lonely and exhausted, and who has planned this trip to address some of those feelings. The shift of focus to the stepdaughter is making that less likely to happen. Have we not progressed past the point that parents can't ask for what they need when they are struggling without calling them a******s or failures?
She can’t ask that the daughter not go bc of exhaustion. She can ask the dad if he would maintain both kids for a set time while she goes and rest. If she had 2 children, it would be wrong to say “well let’s just take the easy one with us this time” or how do you chose? Rock, paper, scissors? Clearly your response is selfish driven as well. Thinking you’ve done this and feel convicted by seeing these responses and being faced with how horrible it is to do that to a child. SMH
Load More Replies... A 3 month old can definitely be easier than a demanding hyper 8 yr old.
Load More Replies... My mom had three kids from her first marriage when she met my father, I'm one of the three children she had with my dad. At no point of my childhood was there any distinction made between the kids. In fact, I didn't know that the older kids were my half-siblings until I was about 10. I can't imagine growing up otherwise.
Same here. Really pays off as you get older and are there for each other.
Load More Replies... I am divorced and my ex has a new wife and two new children. He frequently - 4/5 times a year goes away with his new family and never takes my daughter citing that his new wife 'wants time with just her family'. It breaks my child's heart. She asks me why she isn't considered part of their family and I have to sit, comfort her and bite my tongue. You married a man with a child, they come as a package. Suck it up and don't be the wicked stepmother my daughter has.
You are literally trying to squeeze your step-daughter out of her dad's life, so you can make your own perfect family of three. This makes you a total a*****e. Your husband should love both his children equally, as they are equally his children. It is natural for her to be upset and jealous - from her perspective, she is being replaced in his life. This is a time when it is important to consider her feelings and make sure she isn't being shut out. It's going to set the tone of her relationship with her brother, and with you. Your husband needs to put her needs equal to your son's, and ahead of your desire to exclude her. If between the three parents, you can't afford to include your stepdaughter in the holiday, don't go.
How would you feel if HE wanted to go on holiday and leave your baby behind? Always put yourself in the other person's shoes before making these decisions!
Stepdaughter here! I have half-siblings on both sides. For most of my childhood, my mother put thoughts in my head that my stepmom didn't see me as part of the family, that my dad was trying to replace me with his new kid (until she herself got pregnant and I started asking the same about her LOL), that my half-sister wanted to push me out of the family, and that she herself was the only one who loved me... So I acted defensively towards my dad's side of the family, who actually loved me and felt bad that I was going through that. So they were always going out of their way to make me feel included, special, loved, and wanted. It doesn't matter if the stepchild will have [holiday/birthday/Christmas/any other fun] with her mother. They need that from both parents. You shouldn't marry someone with children unless you want to be a parent to those children. That means that, no matter how inconvenient they are, you don't get to cut your stepchildren out of an event simply because "not having her around is what makes it a relaxing holiday"
I bet she wouldn't want to leave the 8-year-old behind if the child were biologically hers. That's the only question you have to ask when it comes to step-children, foster children, or adoptive children. 'Would I behave this way if this were my biological child?' If the ask is no, then YTA.
She probably would as a mother of five trust me we don't have a problem with leaving children behind sometimes even if they are biologically ours
Load More Replies... She’s sugarcoating this to get people to be on her side about being selfish and just REALLY WISHING it was just her and her baby and the dad. Well sorry. You knew he had a baby. I bet you acted like you loved that child like she was your own to get cool points. Now that you have your own baby and him, you want to throw her to the side! Should be ashamed! If one child goes, they BOTH GO!! How would you freaking feel if he and the daughter’s mom and the daughter went on a vacation without you and your baby ???? Huh??? Girl stop.
" ...bored all the time"? Maybe she and her dad could go do something fun together. I too would find a stepmother s disregard boring!
Right? It's very telling that she views spending time with her step-daughter as "stressful" and "un-relaxing". I had plenty of boring family vacations as a kid where my parents dragged me and my siblings to things they wanted to go to - like antique fairs, craft shows, wood-turning exhibits, wine tastings [where we couldn't participate of course!], and beach trips in the middle of winter where the main even was gazing forlornly at the water as the freezing wind blasted through our thick coats while my mother tried to convince everyone this was "just as fun as going to the beach in summer! And accommodation is so much cheaper this time of year!" And while those trips weren't always entertaining or even enjoyable (I will never visit a beach in winter again! Brrr!), I still look back on them fondly because I got to spend time with my family.
Load More Replies... While I'm not super fond of this idea in general, I think the best time to take this trip would be when the step daughter was on a vacation as well. For now, she needs to have the dad get the step daughter some hobbies that get her out of the house aka sports or dance, that he's responsible for pick up and drop off. This sudden "vacay and leave step daughter" is not the best idea...
It makes me feel so much better that so many people on here think she's TA. It's not about getting to go on a stupid holiday. It's about being close to her dad. Which she especially needs to feel now that there's a new kid. I guarantee you OP would have a fit if her child were treated this way.
Red flags!! If this is how she feels about her step kid now she'll ignore them in future as well. Poor kid..hope husband puts his foot down!!!
Don't marry someone with a child if u don't plan on accepting that child as yours. My father married a woman who didn't have kids and I'm now 36 and haven't spoken to him in almost 15 years (his choice not mine) I also have a stepdad who had 2 kids and that man is more of a father to me than my bio dad will ever be. He accepted me and we accepted his kids and we all grew up as siblings while anytime I saw my dad his wife would do anything to not include me... going as far as having "their own Christmas" without me while I was at their house. So yes she's an a*****e and so is the dad for not sticking up for his daughter
You are the a*s. Children should come first whether it is your biological child or not.
I have vacationed with newborns before and this chick is nuts if she thinks the 8 year old is going to be the hard part. She's being cruel to her husband who also want to vacation with both his kids and have his whole family there. A self centered one for sure.
Written a different way, I probably would have come down on OP's side on this one. Having a 3 month old is tough. But I don't think that's the issue. No one exhausted by baby rearing thinks, "Taking this sleepless, ever hungry monster on holiday is a fanatic idea." No. This entire post screams "Its not fair I have to share my husband with his "old" family." She's never planning on taking a holiday with that little girl. Never. She's already convinced herself that it wouldn't be fair to her dear little boy. I wonder how she'd feel if her husband moved on to wife number 3 and it was her son being left behind.
I was that stepdaughter along with my sister. We KNEW we weren't as important to my father and stepmother. Once they had THEIR OWN children we were set on the margins. Our stepdad ALWAYS included his children on holidays with my mother's Full support and blessing. We just lost my stepdad, grieved as a family, were there for each other and always will be. My oldest sister and I are in our 60s. We're the only family my (step) sister has left. Despite the age gap we're very close. I no longer see my father, have no relationship with the children he and his wife had. I loved him as a child, but years of feeling like outsiders who were an extra burden and expense took their toll. I feel sad about my half brothers who are struggling with the loss of their mother and caring for my father, but we weren't raised as part of the family. We don't know them well enough to reach out to them. For your baby's sake I hope you reconsider.
PSA Do not have children with people who have existing children if you think like this.
Wait, this b!tch thinks traveling with an infant will be "relaxing?" Has she never met a baby prior to having one?
Yikes. This woman is the epitome of the evil step mother. Dad should put his daughter first and run from this horrid creature.
Welp, I am the stepdaughter that never went on holliday with my dad and his family. It s*cks big time. I'm almost 30 and sometimes it still upsets me, as it still happen to this day. Sometimes I even have the means to pay for myself, they just don't invite me, as they don't see me as part of their household. It's very sad to be in the other end. People who marry and have kids with others that are already parents need to learn how to include their sons' siblings and make them feel part of the family. I feel very left out by my dad.
I don't understand people who enter a relationship with someone who has kids and then expect the kids to disappear. If she didn't want a stepdaughter to be a part of her life/family, she shouldn't have married a man with a daughter.
Shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who has a kid if you can’t accept the kid as your own. She 8 wtf is wrong with you. I grew up with a stepmother who payed more attention to her own children and a father that allowed it to happen and now I don’t have a relationship with any of them because of the utter emotional abuse I endured. This poor girl knows that you don’t see her as your own and will grow up to hate you and most likely resent her sibling and her father because of this s**t. If you don’t love her the way you love your own child don’t be a stepmother. What a completely selfish women absolutely disgusting.
She wont be bonding any more with the baby on holiday than she would at home. What is really happening here is that shes exhausted and lonely, wants some time with her partner and baby where her partner picks up some of the slack and gives her a break, and having parental responsibilty for an 8 year old at the same time does not achieve this.
Why did you marry a guy that already has a kid if you aren't going to consider that kid your kid too? He has multiple kids and so do you. When you have multiple kids there's all kinds of social dynamics that need to be maneuvered around. We have three, and there was a camping trip where we left the "baby" home with the grandparents so the older two could enjoy camping without their brother crawling into the fire. There were weekend ski trips where the oldest one had a "project due" but really wanted to hang out with his friends, so we took the younger two. There were college visits where we divided and conquered. Its all part of family dynamics…but, its also full disclosure and there was never a question that we loved one less or purposely excluded them if they were excited about coming. Also, vacation with a baby is NOT the blissful experience you imagine. If you bring your 8 year old she may never want to come with you again…so problem solved!
Because single parents all say the c**p "my child already have a parent, i just want a partnet to myself".
Load More Replies... For those that were saying they were a stepchild and wouldn't have mind if it were you when you were younger, shut up. You're grown trying to speak for your younger self.
Being a Step 'mother' means that once you actually marry that man, you marry what comes with him, package deal, good and bad. It amazes me how some women ( and men) seem to think that children from another relationship should be treated as pariahs. They are kids! Not including them in anything is heartless and cruel. They won't be children forever and will be doing their own thing in a few years. When these step children are young, why is it such a hardship to accept them and include them in your life? ( especially if they are good kids?) I just think how would you feel if the role was reversed? What if it was your child being excluded? I don't agree with the OP at all.
Instead of a holiday she should just do a stay-cation. The idea of wanting a vacation with her spouse and newborn is ridiculous. A newborn requires constant attention. It's understandable she wants alone time with her partner and child, but when she married him she accepted that he had a child and when she had her child she accepted the fact that the step daughter would be the half sister. It's sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. She needs to learn to compromise before she alienates her step daughter and creates animosity between both children that will effect her relationship with her spouse and children. Either way she is not looking towards the future consequences.
i can understand both sides somehow..but my thought..eight year old is part of the family. dont exclude her. if the mom needs to rest she should get it besides this vacation. job of her partner to afford her enough me-time. during vacation dad can do some alone-trips with his daughter. its possible to include everyones needs if you really want to.
Did OP and her SO take the daughter on their honeymoon? Why does SS have to go on every holiday with OP and SO?
A honeymoon isn't a family vacation. This trip is, and by trying to exclude her stepdaughter, she's making it clear from the get-go that she doesn't think the stepdaughter counts as family. It sounds like she expected her husband to just forget about his kid from a previous relationship as soon as he had a kid with her, and now she's throwing a fit because that didn't happen.
Load More Replies... I'm a step daughter here. My stepmother was never really a mother to me but.. in that position? Would I have been hurt? Uh. Idk, maybe if it was school holidays but I would have been much more impressed about the baby thing bc they were both older, past the normal ages for babies & were in 50s when I was 8 (now early 70s). Taken holiday with the dog? Odd but not that odd, he's part of the family now. The only thing I got hurt about was not getting to go to their wedding bc it was a school day. I think OP should just go by herself, with or without the baby, though. A way to have gone on holiday with bay and hubby could have been to also go somewhere on the weekend with the daughter. Like maybe they go somewhere nearby during the week the daughter is with her mother, then the daughter joins them on the weekend ans they go home together. There's ways to make everyone feel included but still get the time with your partner and baby that you want.
Not that some people aren't still fertile in 50s, it's just less common. 40s or younger is more common.
Load More Replies... I don't get this. If you are married to a man with child and now have a blended family, then it is blended, like, together. No yours and mine but ours. You don't make a cookie and say, well, I only want to eat egg part of the cookie and not the flour part. It doesn't work that way
You are just a mother of one, but you are also a married woman, and those are two different relationships. You are definitely not that girls mother don't ever try that's sick. So, you have a right to go on vacation alone, with your husband as a couple, or with the baby or the whole family ( yes she is not your daughter but is part of the family) Never pay for more than your son and you, and yes it's totally fine to go without the kid. I have six siblings, five from my father and one from my mother and I had two stepsiblings, believe me, I went on vacation with my mother twice in my life, she simply could not afford it to add me and it was a couple vacation she had with my stepdad what was wrong with me staying for a week with my grandma? She had the right to enjoy with her husband and I had school, that's life. I don't plan on taking my children on vacation more than I can afford and I will definitely be having couple holidays and that's fine.
I never went on any holiday with my siblings at all, family holidays were at home but I live in a touristic place so we managed. I went twice with my stepdad and his sons but each parent paid for their own children of course, if my mother could not afford it I would not be going, but my stepsiblings would! What right do I have to impose? That's crazy thinking a lot o people have... I would not accept it if my stepdad paid for me it would put strain in his relationship with my mother, that is just so strange it would make me very uncomfortable. And people are even saying that she is horrible for wanting to enjoy her baby and partner after pregnancy and pay with her own money the world is crazy... She owes nothing to the kid, her partner owes her a couples vacation... He should be the one paying after she had his baby 😔
Load More Replies... That is why i would never date or marry a single parent, small things can be a nightmare, you try to something and everybody "but think of child that is not yours will feel", i want a partner that have no kids and my first kid would be his too.
That's an excellent path if you feel that way. However, this woman chose to be a stepparent without considering her inability to fully parent another person's child. Huge mistake that the stepdaughter should not be made to pay for.
Load More Replies... husband and I have blended family, mine and his. His daughter would go on several vacations a year, several trips to a theme park all things we could not afford. One time we went to a theme park (my company outing) did not bring step daughter, just my kids as they did not get half what she did. Her mother called loosing her sh*t because we didn't take her, she had just been and as my kids didn't get much it was a little something for them... sorry but she wants a break, the baby won't need entertainment and it's ok for them to do some things on their own. Just like parent going away without their children some times to get a break.
This is why certain ppl should not merry ppl with children
Load More Replies... If you can't handle being a step parent then don't marry someone with kids.
Great start at being the evil stepmother. Your stepdaughter is 8 years old, how could you not treat her as your bonus daughter. Horrible, horrible human being.
As a stepchild, OP is a HUGE AH! "My" baby, she says. That's all I needed to see. Talk about a real -life wicked stepmother. Why don't you just tell the poor kid "I'm not your real mom so I don't have to treat you like a real daughter" and get it out there so there's no lingering hope for the rest of her life?!
I don't like how the woman kept on refering to her stepdaughter as the "other child." She's acting like her stepdaughter is a stranger to her, when in fact, the woman is supposed to be a mother figure to the daughter. And also the woman is not considering the father's feelings about wanting to spend time with his daughter on holiday too.
I feel that she goes along. Your putting more energy in her not being included vs just setting rules that when she gets bored its on him. I know in my heart she will contribute in a way that will warm your heart. Your right on one thing, it's just this one time for you to mske a lasting impression on both your husband and your bonus child. She will surprise you and truly be the catalyst in bonding ur new small family together. The 8yo goes. Show what a mom triumphs as a win win win. Your baby will not miss a beat w attention. But the 8yo will always feel jilted. She will never understand and ita not about how many trips she goes on w her mom. It's about how she is part of your tribe. I promise you will be so glad you did !!!
You are not wrong. You are post partum and just now not totally exhausted all the time. You're paying for this special time so you should make it your way. The mother of his daughter is using her in a tug of war, to make everyone unhappy. Before your trip plan a special overnight outing close to home that she is included in. Stop talking about the trip around her. If it's possible sit down with her mom and discuss things. The daughter is 8 and she needs to learn she won't always get her way and she will survive. What she is learning now is how to manipulate the adults. It sounds like you're a good step mom. One trip is all you're asking and paying for. You're partner needs to take a stronger stand with the ex and support your request. Bring the daughter back a special gift, not too expensive Incase at 8 she loses or trashed it. I hope things work out,
who the f**k is stupid enough to think that going on holiday with a baby is not stressful or relaxing it's not going to be relaxing nothing about a baby is relaxing not until they're not a baby anymore what an idiot and an a*****e
who the f**k considers taking a baby on a holiday to be relaxing being around a baby is anything but relaxing at any time until the baby is no longer a baby what an idiot and an a*****e
I'm speaking as a step child myself AND as a father of a girl who has a step mom... if you want to go on holiday without her, DONT TELL HER! Plan the holiday during a time when she's with the other parent. Not that hard. But if you specifically plan to p**n her off before going on holiday (i.e., this is our time with you, but we're handing you over so we don't have to pay for you) then you are indeed TA. But let's say you plan it so that you leave the day after she goes to her mom's house and be back the day before she gets home, then you're fine. You get your holiday and she's none the wiser that you simply don't want her around. My family has always done this. It let's the step child believe they are wanted AND you get your holiday without the step child. Or, here's a thought, treat the stepchild like they are your own. After all, you agreed to marry the parent knowing they had a kid. Pretty basic on that fact. You CHOSE the child to be yours just as much as you chose the parent.
Didn't realize the name of the small pieces in chess was a BP censored word... looks like I said the word for adult entertainment in context of children. I hate blanket censorship....
Load More Replies... Not a mom and not a stepchild, so this opinion is not supported by any personal experience but I imagine this might just as much be about making the father spend time with the newborn baby and building a proper connection between them. If he has no paternity leave and works a lot, she may feel the need to push the two together more. Or, alternatively, this could really be about her need for companionship. At this stage of parenting taking a holiday without the baby would be impossible, but her need for proper contact with her partner would make a 3 person trip the closest she can get. I agree that ideally both step-children and biological children should be treated as equally as possible, but adults have needs too and ignoring them in the long term will be unhealthy to all involved parties. Frankly, I would advise her to look at the root cause of her desire for excluding her stepdaughter, and if possible be honest about it to her partner too.
Oh my shsit - you are SSOOO the AH!! I feel so sorry for this little girl, all I can say is that I hope her Dad wises up and ditches you before there's irreperable damage to the relationship between dad and daughter. When you entered into a relationship with him, you entered into a relationship with his daughter. Full stop. The fact that it's the money that is causing you to want to cut this little girl out of your family is just disgusting - it's the only thing you could have said that would have caused me to think less of you than I already did after reading the first part of your writing. You say it's YOUR money like that's something that should matter. What should matter to you is ensuring that this little girl - your baby's big sister, in case you hadn't realized - doesn't ever have to feel like she's being replaced by her younger sibling. Something tells me you definitely will remember she's the big sister whenever you need a cheap babysitter so you can save YOUR money.
I have been a step daughter and now I am a mother. I understand both sides of the fence. You want to relax and take it easy on a holiday with your husband and enjoy your new motherhood without chasing a energetic child around too. You want to enjoy bonding with your newborn and your husband. You husband sounds like he expects you to bear responsibility of the cost to treat his daughter. It sounds like 99% of the time you are okay with that. A holiday to relax for the two of you and lil bub isn't exactly a big ask. As a step daughter at that age I wouldn't have understood why I wasn't included. It is a confusing time for a child that age to find where they fit in. Might I suggest taking the dsd on a weekend trip with you and lil bubs and leave hubby at home? Not to exclude him but to show her how important she is to you too. Telling her you are proud of her being a big sister (and meaning it) will go so far. Let her be a help to you. Let her know she is part of your family. ❤️
What this woman wants is for het some break while new father is bonding with a baby. Not long time ago she already payed a holyday for her husband and his dochter. She is realy horribile to want something for herself.
She knew he had a child when she God together with him. What happens at her mother's house is no of her business. Her baby is this young girls half sibling and her husband now is the father of 2. The only way she is paying the husband's way and his daughter is if she pays half the bills then the money she has left is her savings.
Why is she even going on a super expensive vacation with a 3 months old baby? It is stressful for everyone including the baby. She should have gone with the husband before it was born that is what we did. Now we wont go anywhere for at least two years. The baby wont remember it and OP is paying too much money for the opportunity to change diapers on a different place than home.
If we look a few years ahead, should OP's kid be jealous of his stepsister whenever the stepsister goes on holiday with their mom? It would pretty much be the same thing, then again the thought of going on vacation with a 3 month old weirds me out, daily outings sure but a whole vacation, no. I do think op needs to get some other adults in her life that she can talk to though, whether that's a therapist or a friend
No it’s. Not! The other daughter’s mom is NOT the baby’s mom BUT THE DAD IS THE STEPCHILD’S DAD! That’s the DIFFERENCE!
Load More Replies... This lady is not wrong! As a mother of 5 children, we simply need a break at times! We cannot always in every situation put a child's feelings above ours! I totally feel this mom. She deserves a vacation without the 8yr old if she wants. If the 8 yr old can't handle that, then they need to talk to her and explain that you always can't do everything that everyone else does all the time. This lady cares for the step child, but does she not deserve a moment with her family? The lady should take her baby and go
Of course she "deserves a moment with her family". And she should have realized that marrying a man with a daughter means that the daughter is now part of her family too. She doesn't get to pick-and-choose when to treat the step-kid like part of the family and when to treat the step-kid like a barrier to her fantasy family life.
Load More Replies... Daaaayum there is some serious hatin' goin' on in here! OP just wants some time together with her, dad, and baby to do a little bonding! Step daughter's life isn't going to go down in flames because she missed going on one vacation! Good grief ya'll! Let the little family do their ONE thing for ONE time and then all FOUR of them can do the family thing for everything else from here on out! sheesh!
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