Guy Throws A Fit After GF Refuses To Give Him Kids: “Doesn’t Think Marriage Is Important”
Back in the day, there were pretty strict expectations about the path each couple’s relationship would take. After dating for a while, it was time to get married. And after tying the knot, the next steps were to buy a house and start a family. Nowadays, however, we understand that not everyone wants a traditional, cookie-cutter lifestyle. There are a million different ways to be a happy couple or loving family.
But issues can arise when you and your partner just can’t manage to get on the same page. One woman recently reached out to Reddit detailing why she’s refusing to have kids with her boyfriend. Below, you’ll find all of the details, as well as some of the replies readers left her.
It’s important for couples to be on the same page before deciding to start a family
Image credits: Matheus Câmara da Silva / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
So when this woman’s boyfriend said he had no interest in marriage, she made it clear that they wouldn’t be having any children either
Image credits: Alex Pasarelu / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Patient_Art4006
A quarter of all parents in the United States are unmarried
It seems like every single year, living a “traditional” lifestyle becomes less and less common. The more freedom people have to make their own choices, the more they experiment and realize that they don’t actually fit into any cookie-cutter molds. And while it hasn’t been unheard of to have children without being married for many years, it has become much less taboo over the past few decades.
According to the Pew Research Center, by 2018, a quarter of all parents in the United States were unmarried. This is four times more unmarried parents than there were in 1968. And today, one fifth of all American kids live with just their mother. At the same time, the number of unmarried dads has more than doubled since 1968. And about half of all single parents have never been married at all.
Meanwhile, marriage rates in the United States have been declining for the past 30 years. In fact, it’s now more common for adults between the ages of 18 to 44 to have lived with a partner than to have been married, the Pew Research Center reports. But the majority of both people cohabitating with a partner and those who are married have at least one child at home.
So how can a couple decide that it’s time to get married or have children? It’s understandable to be wary of marriage, especially considering the fact that about 41% of first marriages end in divorce. Plus, plenty of people have kids out of wedlock. As long as the kids have two parents who love them, it doesn’t matter if they’re wearing rings, right?
There are pros and cons to getting married, but one of the main reasons why couples choose to tie the knot is to have legal protections. The author of this post noted that her boyfriend was concerned about how men are often treated during divorces, but he didn’t seem worried about the fact that he would have no legal protection during a breakup.
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Deciding whether or not to have kids is a personal choice that should not be taken lightly
If the couple were to be married and then later divorce, a judge would decide how to split their assets and custody fairly. If the pair was only breaking up, however, the situation could become extremely messy very quickly.
Statistically, Millennials who say “I do” before having kids are also more likely to prosper financially, For Your Marriage notes. But, of course, deciding whether or not to get married or have children are not choices that should ever be taken lightly.
Motherhood clarity therapist Ann Davidman shared some advice with Elle for couples who are still on the fence about starting a family. She notes that there is no right or wrong decision, it truly depends on what you want.
And even if you think you know how you feel about having kids, explore that. Try babysitting your nieces and nephews, or fully embrace your childfree lifestyle to understand what you’d be missing out on if you had a baby. Make an informed decision.
Davidman also says that your fears are irrelevant when it comes to making this choice. If you’re scared of having a difficult pregnancy or of having nobody to help care for you when you’re elderly, those fears shouldn’t inform your decision. They’re hypothetical situations that may not even become true, so focus on what really matters.
Finally, the expert says that deciding to become a parent is a personal choice. Don’t let anyone pressure you to sway one way or the other.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this woman made the right choice by putting her foot down and sticking to her values? Feel free to weigh in. Then, you can find another Bored Panda article discussing similar issues right here.
Readers assured the woman that she was right to stand by her values, and many warned her that it might be time to end the relationship
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I don't understand how couples can avoid talking about marriage, kids and finances for seven years after an early discussion. How does it not come up? My partner and I both don't want children, made it clear early on, but ten years in, I would say that topic comes up every few months, not with what do you think but in conversations that make our attitudes clear. I am ambivalent about marriage, he does not want to marry, but the topic comes up,, what would you do in so-and-so's place etc. So we've got a plan to marry if we need to for legal/practical reasons. Do they really talk about weddings and families and other people's kids and meticulously avoid giving away an opinion or a desire? Or were they just hoping to softly manipulate the other over to their point of view over time without giving away the game? Either way, their communication is this bad after seven years, they should break up.
Totally agree with you! They discussed all of this early on in the relationship, she made it clear what her values and expectations were, and then…? For seven YEARS??? What are y’all talking about??
Load More Replies...In general, outside of maybe a handful of countries, the lack of financial and legal protection for children born outside of a marriage is far, far worse than any financial or legal risk to men from a divorce.
He's trying to guilt-trip her into having kids cuz he's sick. Walk away, OP!
If he's so worried about getting screwed over in a potential divorce, then get a prenup. It's not that hard. OP shouldn't have children with someone who is only looking out for himself anyway. I think it's fair for her to have conditions on getting children so that she feels safe. It's also fair for him to not want to get married, but at that point they're just not compatible. The whole thing about the house is weird though, they could just write a contract for how to split the one house if they broke up, you don't have to be married for that
If he has a disease that limits his lifespan he probably shouldn't be having children anyway. Sounds like a selfish p***k.
The whole idea that ‘men get screwed over n divorce’ is ludicrous. EVERYONE gets screwed over in divorce..kids, parents, in-laws, etc.
"Men are getting screwed in divorces" comes from the time when men were the only ones working. They didn't see their wives' housework as anything worth paying. Then when the couple divorced, the courts gave the women the part of the money they were due for their services to the family (and often child support because fathers didn't want or didn't get the children). In short: men didn't admit women's contributions and were sour when the courts did.
Husband's the MASSIVE AH for even wanting to having children to whom he might pass on the disease that's shortening his life. What a doûche canoe!
To be fair, we don't know if it's something he can pass on, or just unfortunate circumstances that shortened his expected lifespan. Either way, boyfriend should either accept not having children or leave to find his baby momma. Girlfriend sounds like she is happy with things as is, but is capable of moving on if/when things fall apart.
Load More Replies...Since he has a life-threatening disease, the lack of marriage means that she has no say in medical treatment in the event that he can't speak for himself. Unless they go to the bother of assigning medical power of attorney.
It's not down the drain (which usually means wasted or lost). If she enjoyed her time with him as a partner and doesn't care about timelines for milestones (which it doesn't sound like she does, showing maturity) then it's not wasted, it's just over. Onto a new experience in life. I was with my first partner for 6 years before we split. It wasn't a waste, I learned how to love and be loved and not to settle for anything less than that. I'm forever grateful for that time with a wonderful man, who wasn't the right wonderful man for me.
Load More Replies...OP’s husband, apparently a sweet summer child, you realise women get effed over in divorces too, right? Statistically more so because they’re running the house whereas ol’ mate’s actually getting the income/super/credit rating etc. Until you reach a point where you’re both happy with the risks you’re taking on by tying the knot, DON’T FÜCKING DO IT?? It’s easier to not get married than it is to divorce.
First, he’s not her husband. Second, it’s not like they just met and don’t know the risks they’re taking with each other. If they’re concerned about finances, there’s always a prenup. However, especially in the US, there are a number of protections that marriage offers to both parties involved, especially if they plan to have children. The OP made it clear to her partner early in their relationship that if they were ever to have children, it would only be after marriage. That’s not an unreasonable request. But clearly the OP’s partner doesn’t respect her values and it sounds like they’re just not compatible.
Load More Replies...My daughter was with her boyfriend 15 years before they married. I think he had a Peter Pan complex. He thought that being married would define him as "old." Anyway, daughter wanted children but not unless they were married. They have been married 12 years now and have two children.
A marriage is a contract. As soon as you are married, a number of legal issues are resolved on the spot. If you're not married, you need to go see a solicitor to take care of things like custody, inheritance, paternity. That is not a prejudice: it's just a fact. Being married has perks that living together doesn't have. Outdated? Perhaps. In that case you could push for a revision of family laws.
Load More Replies...I don't understand how couples can avoid talking about marriage, kids and finances for seven years after an early discussion. How does it not come up? My partner and I both don't want children, made it clear early on, but ten years in, I would say that topic comes up every few months, not with what do you think but in conversations that make our attitudes clear. I am ambivalent about marriage, he does not want to marry, but the topic comes up,, what would you do in so-and-so's place etc. So we've got a plan to marry if we need to for legal/practical reasons. Do they really talk about weddings and families and other people's kids and meticulously avoid giving away an opinion or a desire? Or were they just hoping to softly manipulate the other over to their point of view over time without giving away the game? Either way, their communication is this bad after seven years, they should break up.
Totally agree with you! They discussed all of this early on in the relationship, she made it clear what her values and expectations were, and then…? For seven YEARS??? What are y’all talking about??
Load More Replies...In general, outside of maybe a handful of countries, the lack of financial and legal protection for children born outside of a marriage is far, far worse than any financial or legal risk to men from a divorce.
He's trying to guilt-trip her into having kids cuz he's sick. Walk away, OP!
If he's so worried about getting screwed over in a potential divorce, then get a prenup. It's not that hard. OP shouldn't have children with someone who is only looking out for himself anyway. I think it's fair for her to have conditions on getting children so that she feels safe. It's also fair for him to not want to get married, but at that point they're just not compatible. The whole thing about the house is weird though, they could just write a contract for how to split the one house if they broke up, you don't have to be married for that
If he has a disease that limits his lifespan he probably shouldn't be having children anyway. Sounds like a selfish p***k.
The whole idea that ‘men get screwed over n divorce’ is ludicrous. EVERYONE gets screwed over in divorce..kids, parents, in-laws, etc.
"Men are getting screwed in divorces" comes from the time when men were the only ones working. They didn't see their wives' housework as anything worth paying. Then when the couple divorced, the courts gave the women the part of the money they were due for their services to the family (and often child support because fathers didn't want or didn't get the children). In short: men didn't admit women's contributions and were sour when the courts did.
Husband's the MASSIVE AH for even wanting to having children to whom he might pass on the disease that's shortening his life. What a doûche canoe!
To be fair, we don't know if it's something he can pass on, or just unfortunate circumstances that shortened his expected lifespan. Either way, boyfriend should either accept not having children or leave to find his baby momma. Girlfriend sounds like she is happy with things as is, but is capable of moving on if/when things fall apart.
Load More Replies...Since he has a life-threatening disease, the lack of marriage means that she has no say in medical treatment in the event that he can't speak for himself. Unless they go to the bother of assigning medical power of attorney.
It's not down the drain (which usually means wasted or lost). If she enjoyed her time with him as a partner and doesn't care about timelines for milestones (which it doesn't sound like she does, showing maturity) then it's not wasted, it's just over. Onto a new experience in life. I was with my first partner for 6 years before we split. It wasn't a waste, I learned how to love and be loved and not to settle for anything less than that. I'm forever grateful for that time with a wonderful man, who wasn't the right wonderful man for me.
Load More Replies...OP’s husband, apparently a sweet summer child, you realise women get effed over in divorces too, right? Statistically more so because they’re running the house whereas ol’ mate’s actually getting the income/super/credit rating etc. Until you reach a point where you’re both happy with the risks you’re taking on by tying the knot, DON’T FÜCKING DO IT?? It’s easier to not get married than it is to divorce.
First, he’s not her husband. Second, it’s not like they just met and don’t know the risks they’re taking with each other. If they’re concerned about finances, there’s always a prenup. However, especially in the US, there are a number of protections that marriage offers to both parties involved, especially if they plan to have children. The OP made it clear to her partner early in their relationship that if they were ever to have children, it would only be after marriage. That’s not an unreasonable request. But clearly the OP’s partner doesn’t respect her values and it sounds like they’re just not compatible.
Load More Replies...My daughter was with her boyfriend 15 years before they married. I think he had a Peter Pan complex. He thought that being married would define him as "old." Anyway, daughter wanted children but not unless they were married. They have been married 12 years now and have two children.
A marriage is a contract. As soon as you are married, a number of legal issues are resolved on the spot. If you're not married, you need to go see a solicitor to take care of things like custody, inheritance, paternity. That is not a prejudice: it's just a fact. Being married has perks that living together doesn't have. Outdated? Perhaps. In that case you could push for a revision of family laws.
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