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New Mom Is “Losing Her Mind” Over Her Complicated Feelings For Her Baby’s Surrogate
The journey of surrogacy is one of the most incredible and emotionally complicated partnerships a person can enter. It’s a relationship that exists in a strange gray area, which is part business contract, part shared dream. There’s really no instruction manual for how to navigate it, especially when it comes to the “rules” of the relationship itself.
During those nine months, the surrogate can become one of the most important people in your life, but that intense partnership will shift. For one new mother, the overwhelming gratitude she felt for her surrogate blossomed into something far more complicated after the baby was born.
More info: Reddit
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The journey to parenthood can forge some of the most intense and unexpected bonds, whether you are the one carrying the child or not
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
After having to choose surrogacy, a woman treated the surrogate not as a contractor, but as a close friend
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
They spent the entire nine months of pregnancy hanging out constantly, building an incredibly close relationship
Image credits: wirestock / Freepik (not the actual photo)
After the surrogate gave birth to her healthy baby boy, their constant contact naturally faded but the new mom realized she missed the surrogate a lot and thought she might have a crush
Image credits: ThrowRA01739172
She started questioning if her feelings were true love or just a mix of loneliness and “insane gratitude”
After being told she could never have children of her own, a 36YO woman decided to pursue surrogacy. As someone with very few friends or family, this journey became the absolute center of her world. She was matched with “Sarah,” a 29YO surrogate who was, by all accounts, an amazing, funny, and wonderful person.
Unsure of the official “rules” for a surrogate relationship, the narrator defaulted to one simple mode: friendship. She treated Sarah not as a contractor, but as a best friend who just so happened to be carrying her baby. They hung out three times a week, set up the nursery together, and even had a mini gender reveal. It was a nine-month crash course in an incredibly intense and unique bond.
The birth of her healthy baby boy was an amazing, shared experience. But afterward, the dynamic inevitably shifted. The constant contact slowed to occasional lunches and updates, and the narrator was hit with a feeling she didn’t expect: she started missing Sarah, a lot. At first, she just “chalked it up” to the natural comedown after such an intense, year-long partnership.
But now, she’s coming to a new realization: her feelings might not just be friendship or “insane gratitude.” She thinks she might have a full-blown crush on the woman who gave birth to her son. She’s now trapped in a bizarre and delicate situation, terrified of making things awkward or ruining their friendship, and questioning whether her feelings are real or just a side effect of loneliness and the most profound thank you of her life.
Image credits: EyeEm / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The narrator’s decision to treat her surrogate like a friend is a common and often positive approach, but it creates an emotionally complex dynamic that can easily blur boundaries. Experts at The Bump explain that the relationship between an intended parent and a surrogate can range from business-like to a deep, lasting friendship.
By choosing a close, friendship-based model, she created an incredibly intense and intimate bond over nine months, making her current feelings of loss and confusion a very natural, if unexpected, consequence. Her own question, “Maybe I’m just lonely?”, is likely the key to understanding her feelings.
The Solo Parent podcast reiterates that there is a very fine line between genuine romantic love and the powerful feelings of connection that arise from loneliness and immense gratitude. The surrogate was the central figure in her life during a profoundly meaningful journey. The void left after the birth is real, and it’s common for the brain to interpret the longing to fill that void as a romantic crush.
Many people in the comment section also reminded her that it’s not just in her head; there’s a biological reason for her intense feelings. While we often associate hormonal shifts with the pregnant person, studies have shown that non-birthing partners also experience significant hormonal changes.
Oxytocin, often called the “love hormone” or “bonding hormone,” can increase in partners through close, supportive interaction. Her constant contact, presence at the birth, and the shared emotional journey would have flooded her brain with oxytocin, chemically cementing a powerful bond that she is now understandably misinterpreting as romantic love.
Do you think she should keep her distance or is this a chance she shouldn’t let slip through her fingers? Share your thoughts in the comments section!
The online community gently suggested her feelings were a normal but non-romantic bond, and she should not act on them
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What do you think ?
Mel in Georgia 1 month ago
I can't imagine raising a child without a family or community around me. Caring for babies, especially, is very isolating at times. Having people to talk to and help is critical for a mom's mental health. Hope she finds that support!
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
So many red flags here. A woman who has no friends and no support network, decides to have a child. She gives no indication that she enjoys time with kids, not even a I can't wait to share my life with a small human because of X y or z. She seems motivated only by biological urges or loneliness. She doesn't seem to have any connection to her own or any community. She then focuses intensely on the surrogate and believes she's in love. She has no emotional.maturity and this also supports the loneliness hypothesis because the first human she spends any time with she thinks it's romance. That's much more typical of early adolescence. Clearly she's lacking in self awareness and understanding her own emotions, and she hasn't made any effort to address either in her decades as an adult. She doesn't have the psychological skills to have a healthy parent child relationship. She can't even model good behaviour. Surrogacy should've better regulated to ensure there's some psych evals.
Angie May 1 month ago
Well thank god you aren't in charge of deciding who can and cannot use a surrogate.
Load More Replies... Mel in Georgia 1 month ago
I can't imagine raising a child without a family or community around me. Caring for babies, especially, is very isolating at times. Having people to talk to and help is critical for a mom's mental health. Hope she finds that support!
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
So many red flags here. A woman who has no friends and no support network, decides to have a child. She gives no indication that she enjoys time with kids, not even a I can't wait to share my life with a small human because of X y or z. She seems motivated only by biological urges or loneliness. She doesn't seem to have any connection to her own or any community. She then focuses intensely on the surrogate and believes she's in love. She has no emotional.maturity and this also supports the loneliness hypothesis because the first human she spends any time with she thinks it's romance. That's much more typical of early adolescence. Clearly she's lacking in self awareness and understanding her own emotions, and she hasn't made any effort to address either in her decades as an adult. She doesn't have the psychological skills to have a healthy parent child relationship. She can't even model good behaviour. Surrogacy should've better regulated to ensure there's some psych evals.
Angie May 1 month ago
Well thank god you aren't in charge of deciding who can and cannot use a surrogate.
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