Woman Is Tired Of Family Dumping Their Kids On Her At Events, Stops Going
Interview
Quite a few people have likely been in a position where they were left with someone else’s kid to look after, whether they liked it or not; and chances are, that happened during a family gathering.
Family get-togethers are where the redditor u/TheLegendaryHaggis would always have to watch over someone’s child. To make matters worse, the parents wouldn’t ask her to do it; they would just leave the little one with her, that is until she decided to leave herself. Scroll down for the full story.
Bored Panda has reached out to the OP and she was kind enough to answer a few of our questions. You will find her thoughts in the text below.
Some parents tend to use relatives as a free-of-charge nanny service
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
This redditor would repeatedly be left with her relatives’ children to look after
Image credits: Nicole Michalou (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TheLegendaryHaggis
The OP wasn’t sure why it was her the parents would leave their children with
Image credits: Nataliya Vaitkevich (not the actual photo)
In a recent interview with Bored Panda, the OP shared that she was very disappointed to realize that she was only invited to family events and parties to look after the children while the parents mingled with other guests.
“This left me with the unwanted responsibility of looking after other people’s children, which prevented me from enjoying the events like every other guest or family member. I love the kids—cousins, nieces, and nephews—as they are family but it’s a bit unfair to be expected to be their babysitter every time I get invited to a party or an event.”
“I couldn’t leave a baby, toddler, or child unattended because if there was an accident and the parent left the child with me, they would blame me,” the redditor pointed out, adding that she’s not quite sure why the parents would choose her to watch over the children. She speculated, though, that it might have been related to some of her personal qualities, as the OP admitted she used to be a people pleaser back then.
“At the time, I assumed it was because I was an only child and female without kids of my own that they thought I would love to play nanny for them,” she added, wondering why it was that the parents would choose her. “However, this is just an assumption since we can never know what people are thinking.”
Parents turning to relatives for help with child care is not unheard of
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual photo)
Quite a few of us have likely walked a mile in Sara’s shoes at least once or twice; I know I have. In situations as such, parents often choose to leave their child with a relative as they get a chance to socialize with other grown-ups. It might not always be the case, but for some moms and dads, an opportunity like this does not come up often.
“Adults need breaks from caregiving so they can rest and refuel and then return to their children with a restored distress tolerance tank,” family therapist Larisa Garski told the Insider, adding that only in comparatively recent times parenting began to be treated as a solo or a two-person activity.
The author of Act Natural: A Cultural History of Misadventures in Parenting, Jennifer Traig, suggested that the verb to parent itself only came about in the ‘70s. “Before that, they reared their children, but mostly they left that in fact to other people—to staff, to older siblings, to other relatives,” she told CBC. “A parent’s job was to have the kids, not necessarily to raise them.”
Nowadays parenting might be viewed in a different way, but it’s not at all odd for parents to ask for help from relatives or look for a babysitter to watch over their little ones. Back in 2019, for instance, nearly 60% of children aged 5 years and younger who weren’t enrolled in kindergarten were cared for by someone other than a parent at least once a week.
Now, the redditor tries to stand up for herself more and believes the family heard what she had to say
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
But be it relatives, a trustworthy nanny or someone else, non-parental care is only an option when it’s based on mutual agreement, which seemingly wasn’t the case for the OP. The relatives would simply leave their children with her and go socialize with others, which resulted in the redditor stopping attending the gatherings altogether.
“I can now recognize when others are using me for their own personal gain and am not afraid to say no, even if it means being judged negatively by others and people I care about and love. This is a very difficult thing to say to loved ones,” the OP told Bored Panda, adding that she is still in touch with them nevertheless.
“It sounded in the original post that I stopped seeing family all together. I still see them, just never in a setting of a party or a family gathering. I love hanging out with the family outside of such a setting and to be fair, the kids are great fun to be around as long as I’m not expected to babysit them, which I never once said I was okay with at any point. At the end of the day, we are all still family and I think they got the message that I am not their babysitter.”
The OP answered some questions, providing more details
People shared their thoughts in the comments
Some redditors went through similar experiences
Agreed! "OH you must be taking the kids from their arms" yeah that's exactly what someone fed up with babysitting does 🙄
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Please teach your daughters how to say no. This story could have been two decades shorter and happier.
Please teach your daughters who have kids not to do this to other women
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This is inconceivable in Spain. In any family event parents take care of their own children unless they are rich and have a nanny. They only leave them with other relatives if they ask them to do so.
Its like that here in the US too, any reasonable person will ask if you are ok watching their kid for a bit while they go do something else. This person's family sounds like they're thoughtless and self-centered.
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Ugh...I relate to this post waaaaaaay too much. My mom was an elementary school teacher and so parents automatically assumed I liked and wanted to play with their younger children (I did not). It came to ahead when I blew up at one of them and said that their kid was a brat and that I was not my mom.
I just started teaching the kids dumped off on me swear words.
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My BIL tried to do this to my 12 year old son. He showed up with his three kids under 4yrs to a family supper invitation 5 HOURS EARLY. When I stayed busy in the kitchen chatting pleasantly with him instead of picking up the parenting slack of his full-chaos-mode kids (except for safety issues when I was closer) he tried to insist to my 12yr old that HE should be playing with the kids because "family is supposed to spend time together" My poor kid teared up. He'd been at swimming camp for two weeks, was dead exhausted, and had expected time to relax before my partner's ***
so what happened? did your son watch the kids, even tho he was exhausted? or did you put your foot down and refuse to let BIL dump his kids on him? you really left us hanging here, julie. lol
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My nephew and his (now wife) gf used to do this to my brother (his dad) an his gf all the time. They come to a picnic. And dad gf has to watch the kid(s) or anyone at the picnic but them. Kids running around almost getting injured but the parents just thinking everyone else there can watch them. Then they would sneak whisper to the kids to ask grandpa to stay over. So the picnic is on a Saturday and now since they haven't watched them at all they expect my bro n his gf to just keep them overnight. Trust me it still happens. If you make kids watch your kids. Don't expect someone else to parent them.
I never held a baby in my life and I don't want to, this is a nightmare
A simple thing to do is smile brightly and say "Oh, No thank you." I do this when cashiers are required to ask for phone and email. I think it's the extra sylables that help you feel like you've stated the boundary as well as an explanation for the boundary. It's also just awkward enough without being unpleasant or off-putting. In the case of baby hand-offs, there's extra body language options! You can keep cool and just not move your hands from where they were OR, you can get extra awkward and: whip your hands behind your back, place both hands on top of your head, do the robot, be a tea pot, windmill your arms while stepping back, make an X with your hands, act like an officer directing traffic and direct them... anywhere else. Hopefully you'll just be fortunate and only know people interpersonally intelligent enough to know uninvited baby handoffs are rude and tacky.
Load More Replies... I'm the middle daughter, but I got it all the time. But I'm also the one my parents never liked.
Load More Replies... I've gotten the same thing since my early teens. My parents always insisted I babysit the children of their guests even if I had plans with friends or homework or whatever. I had to set aside everything to watch kids. The friends just "couldn't find" anyone to watch their little angels. So I started teaching them swear words. Suddenly they could find their own sitters.
Who the hell leaves their baby, let alone newborn with someone who is effectively a stranger?
You'd be surprised. Some people care more about socialisation than their children's wellbeing.
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This is just a case of someone who is just passive and kind starting off by doing favours and not thinking much of it and then it gains momentum. I wouldn't be surprised if people would watch her take kids at these events and / or talk to each other about her being 'good with kids' and then it snowballed from there. She sounds like someone who is shy and doesn't want confrontation and these sort of people often get taken advantage of in different ways. They often snap too and everyone is baffled by it as she put up with it for so long. It's all well and good responses being 'grow a backbone' or 'tell them where to go' but that's not who she inherently is.
I wonder if they invited her to the events because she wouldn't say no to watching their kids, like common family knowledge
Most likely. I used to get it until I started teaching the kids to cuss.
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Only one person has ever tried to thrust a baby on me; apparently, I have a very effective “I HATE SCREAMING MEATBAGS” face. But the one dope who tried it? I didn’t hold my hands out to grab it, but said “If I do this, my pimp will beat me, and likely sell the baby.” THEN I held my hands out, but they didn’t plunk the baby into ‘em. Suggestion: When someone’s handing you their baby, ask whether crack smoke bothers it, or say “I need my heroin, and there’s nowhere to put the baby down that’s clean but okay. Sigh.” I would think either would be highly effective, but then I keep overestimating peoples’ IQs.
I'd be tempted to shoot out a family-wide email along the lines of "If you don't want your children learning a fresh new vocabulary, you will kindly f**k off with your crotch goblin. If you attempt to burden me with their care (which I have never nor will ever consent to), I will repeat the previous phrase to you out loud in front of said children. You have been warned. See you there!"
I have taught so many kids dumped off on me swear words. Goes over well in a strict Calvinist family. But they assume that because I'm single and childfree, I want to entertain children. No, I don't. Being in a loud family gathering is hard enough on my autism. Don't effing dump your jizz muffins on me, too. I'll go into sensory overload.
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If someone tried to hand me a kid, I would tell them, "If you leave, I'm walking away and leaving your kid here."
No one, and I mean absolutely NO ONE should ever feel obligated to watch someone else's kid, especially when you are not even a parent yourself.
My parents made me babysit for a friend when I was in high school, even though I refused. I let the kid have a dirty diaper, explaining that I had no idea what to do (in the early '60s). As an adult, I always made sure to have a beverage in my hands if I were at a gathering with babies. If someone tried to hand me a kid, I just turned aside with my drink. Why people think a woman always wants to hold a screaming kid is beyond me.
Baby sit??? - sure what words shall we teach the little monsters - good phrase - "Mommy gives me whiskey so I sleep". make sure to tell parents this will be repeated to the teachers. Sprinkle in a mixture of sexual words and of course the magic 7 and you will never be allowed near those kids again. A little beer spilled on the t-shirt ( just for scent) should seal the deal... ( DO NOT give the child alcohol.)
She's taking this way too seriously, and WAY too personally. The expectation is that you hold the kid for a bit, and then pass them to a new person. If the kid cries, gets hungry, or starts to smell, you return them to their parents. If the kid is old enough to walk, you put them in the basement or playroom and go on your way. She brought this on herself by always going along with it, which people would interpret as her LIKING hanging out with the kids. She needs to learn to be more honest and not blow up on people, seethe silently, or assume she's the target of evil malice that wants to 'use' her.
This could have all been avoided if she had been raised with a spine. Like sure, I'm not going to shame her for wanting to people please, but there is something seriously wrong here if it took her twenty years to say "no". If you accept something once people see you've given them an inch so they'll take you for a ride of miles and miles. Don't let them get that inch, because at a certain point it does become your own responsibility to stand up for yourself and to say "no". I suspect there may be some cultural/societal and/or religious aspect OP didn't mention, because I am struggling to imagine someone trying to give me a child and have me comply?? Like I'd have just stood up and said "what? ew, no, take care of your own crotch goblin, I'm not a nanny!". .... but maybe that's just the autism showing on my part 🥴
Why is people just can't seem to say no and walk off? Would've saved this woman years of unpaid childminding,
When you are literally a child yourself, and the adults all shame you and treat you like dirt when you refuse or complain, it isn't so simple. And the maltreatment for noncompliance lasts longer than the event. This goes on *for years*. Then you go low contact, eventually venture back thinking new habits can be established, but no-one else is on board. Rinse and repeat for a decade, and voila, you're 30 and decide to make gatherings a no go permanently. That's how it happens. Also a decade or two ago or more there was very low tolerance for women and girls who said no to childcare duties. Still true in many places. So the opinion of the room was generally against you.
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Bruh... Some people are taught to never say no. Pretty sure when I was younger I was hit whenever I said no to stuff. So I'm an adult now and the idea is still uncomfortable saying no.
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Imagine being such a self-centered idiot that you'd drop your kid on any rando you could. Is that what you meant? Because some of us grew up in families where spines were not an acceptable response.
Load More Replies... Agreed! "OH you must be taking the kids from their arms" yeah that's exactly what someone fed up with babysitting does 🙄
Load More Replies... Please teach your daughters how to say no. This story could have been two decades shorter and happier.
Please teach your daughters who have kids not to do this to other women
Load More Replies... This is inconceivable in Spain. In any family event parents take care of their own children unless they are rich and have a nanny. They only leave them with other relatives if they ask them to do so.
Its like that here in the US too, any reasonable person will ask if you are ok watching their kid for a bit while they go do something else. This person's family sounds like they're thoughtless and self-centered.
Load More Replies... Ugh...I relate to this post waaaaaaay too much. My mom was an elementary school teacher and so parents automatically assumed I liked and wanted to play with their younger children (I did not). It came to ahead when I blew up at one of them and said that their kid was a brat and that I was not my mom.
I just started teaching the kids dumped off on me swear words.
Load More Replies... My BIL tried to do this to my 12 year old son. He showed up with his three kids under 4yrs to a family supper invitation 5 HOURS EARLY. When I stayed busy in the kitchen chatting pleasantly with him instead of picking up the parenting slack of his full-chaos-mode kids (except for safety issues when I was closer) he tried to insist to my 12yr old that HE should be playing with the kids because "family is supposed to spend time together" My poor kid teared up. He'd been at swimming camp for two weeks, was dead exhausted, and had expected time to relax before my partner's ***
so what happened? did your son watch the kids, even tho he was exhausted? or did you put your foot down and refuse to let BIL dump his kids on him? you really left us hanging here, julie. lol
Load More Replies... My nephew and his (now wife) gf used to do this to my brother (his dad) an his gf all the time. They come to a picnic. And dad gf has to watch the kid(s) or anyone at the picnic but them. Kids running around almost getting injured but the parents just thinking everyone else there can watch them. Then they would sneak whisper to the kids to ask grandpa to stay over. So the picnic is on a Saturday and now since they haven't watched them at all they expect my bro n his gf to just keep them overnight. Trust me it still happens. If you make kids watch your kids. Don't expect someone else to parent them.
I never held a baby in my life and I don't want to, this is a nightmare
A simple thing to do is smile brightly and say "Oh, No thank you." I do this when cashiers are required to ask for phone and email. I think it's the extra sylables that help you feel like you've stated the boundary as well as an explanation for the boundary. It's also just awkward enough without being unpleasant or off-putting. In the case of baby hand-offs, there's extra body language options! You can keep cool and just not move your hands from where they were OR, you can get extra awkward and: whip your hands behind your back, place both hands on top of your head, do the robot, be a tea pot, windmill your arms while stepping back, make an X with your hands, act like an officer directing traffic and direct them... anywhere else. Hopefully you'll just be fortunate and only know people interpersonally intelligent enough to know uninvited baby handoffs are rude and tacky.
Load More Replies... I'm the middle daughter, but I got it all the time. But I'm also the one my parents never liked.
Load More Replies... I've gotten the same thing since my early teens. My parents always insisted I babysit the children of their guests even if I had plans with friends or homework or whatever. I had to set aside everything to watch kids. The friends just "couldn't find" anyone to watch their little angels. So I started teaching them swear words. Suddenly they could find their own sitters.
Who the hell leaves their baby, let alone newborn with someone who is effectively a stranger?
You'd be surprised. Some people care more about socialisation than their children's wellbeing.
Load More Replies... This is just a case of someone who is just passive and kind starting off by doing favours and not thinking much of it and then it gains momentum. I wouldn't be surprised if people would watch her take kids at these events and / or talk to each other about her being 'good with kids' and then it snowballed from there. She sounds like someone who is shy and doesn't want confrontation and these sort of people often get taken advantage of in different ways. They often snap too and everyone is baffled by it as she put up with it for so long. It's all well and good responses being 'grow a backbone' or 'tell them where to go' but that's not who she inherently is.
I wonder if they invited her to the events because she wouldn't say no to watching their kids, like common family knowledge
Most likely. I used to get it until I started teaching the kids to cuss.
Load More Replies... Only one person has ever tried to thrust a baby on me; apparently, I have a very effective “I HATE SCREAMING MEATBAGS” face. But the one dope who tried it? I didn’t hold my hands out to grab it, but said “If I do this, my pimp will beat me, and likely sell the baby.” THEN I held my hands out, but they didn’t plunk the baby into ‘em. Suggestion: When someone’s handing you their baby, ask whether crack smoke bothers it, or say “I need my heroin, and there’s nowhere to put the baby down that’s clean but okay. Sigh.” I would think either would be highly effective, but then I keep overestimating peoples’ IQs.
I'd be tempted to shoot out a family-wide email along the lines of "If you don't want your children learning a fresh new vocabulary, you will kindly f**k off with your crotch goblin. If you attempt to burden me with their care (which I have never nor will ever consent to), I will repeat the previous phrase to you out loud in front of said children. You have been warned. See you there!"
I have taught so many kids dumped off on me swear words. Goes over well in a strict Calvinist family. But they assume that because I'm single and childfree, I want to entertain children. No, I don't. Being in a loud family gathering is hard enough on my autism. Don't effing dump your jizz muffins on me, too. I'll go into sensory overload.
Load More Replies... If someone tried to hand me a kid, I would tell them, "If you leave, I'm walking away and leaving your kid here."
No one, and I mean absolutely NO ONE should ever feel obligated to watch someone else's kid, especially when you are not even a parent yourself.
My parents made me babysit for a friend when I was in high school, even though I refused. I let the kid have a dirty diaper, explaining that I had no idea what to do (in the early '60s). As an adult, I always made sure to have a beverage in my hands if I were at a gathering with babies. If someone tried to hand me a kid, I just turned aside with my drink. Why people think a woman always wants to hold a screaming kid is beyond me.
Baby sit??? - sure what words shall we teach the little monsters - good phrase - "Mommy gives me whiskey so I sleep". make sure to tell parents this will be repeated to the teachers. Sprinkle in a mixture of sexual words and of course the magic 7 and you will never be allowed near those kids again. A little beer spilled on the t-shirt ( just for scent) should seal the deal... ( DO NOT give the child alcohol.)
She's taking this way too seriously, and WAY too personally. The expectation is that you hold the kid for a bit, and then pass them to a new person. If the kid cries, gets hungry, or starts to smell, you return them to their parents. If the kid is old enough to walk, you put them in the basement or playroom and go on your way. She brought this on herself by always going along with it, which people would interpret as her LIKING hanging out with the kids. She needs to learn to be more honest and not blow up on people, seethe silently, or assume she's the target of evil malice that wants to 'use' her.
This could have all been avoided if she had been raised with a spine. Like sure, I'm not going to shame her for wanting to people please, but there is something seriously wrong here if it took her twenty years to say "no". If you accept something once people see you've given them an inch so they'll take you for a ride of miles and miles. Don't let them get that inch, because at a certain point it does become your own responsibility to stand up for yourself and to say "no". I suspect there may be some cultural/societal and/or religious aspect OP didn't mention, because I am struggling to imagine someone trying to give me a child and have me comply?? Like I'd have just stood up and said "what? ew, no, take care of your own crotch goblin, I'm not a nanny!". .... but maybe that's just the autism showing on my part 🥴
Why is people just can't seem to say no and walk off? Would've saved this woman years of unpaid childminding,
When you are literally a child yourself, and the adults all shame you and treat you like dirt when you refuse or complain, it isn't so simple. And the maltreatment for noncompliance lasts longer than the event. This goes on *for years*. Then you go low contact, eventually venture back thinking new habits can be established, but no-one else is on board. Rinse and repeat for a decade, and voila, you're 30 and decide to make gatherings a no go permanently. That's how it happens. Also a decade or two ago or more there was very low tolerance for women and girls who said no to childcare duties. Still true in many places. So the opinion of the room was generally against you.
Load More Replies... Bruh... Some people are taught to never say no. Pretty sure when I was younger I was hit whenever I said no to stuff. So I'm an adult now and the idea is still uncomfortable saying no.
Load More Replies... Imagine being such a self-centered idiot that you'd drop your kid on any rando you could. Is that what you meant? Because some of us grew up in families where spines were not an acceptable response.
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