“I Was Genuinely Dumbfounded”: Wife Wonders If She Invaded Her Husband’s Privacy By Emptying His Pants Pockets Before Washing Them
You never know what you’ll find when doing your laundry. If you’re lucky, a few dollars or quarters that you forget you shoved in your pocket several days prior might magically appear. On a less fortunate day, however, you might open the dryer to find a stick of hot pink lipstick has melted all over your clothes and created a bit of a fuchsia tie-dye effect. (Yes, that has happened to me. Rest in peace the adorable sweater that it ruined…) To prevent tragedies like this from happening, it’s always important to check your pockets before washing clothes! But according to one man, that can be considered a major violation of privacy…
One woman recently posted on Reddit asking if she was in the wrong for emptying her husband’s pants pockets while doing laundry. Below, you can read the full story, as well as an interview we were lucky enough to receive from Relationship Repair Specialist and Founder of Love At First Fight, Bruce Muzik.
Feel free to let us know in the comments how you feel about this situation: would you have any issues with your spouse or partner going through your pockets? We would love to hear your thoughts, and then if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article featuring spousal drama surrounding laundry, look no further than right here!
After being accused of snooping, this woman is wondering if she was wrong for emptying her husband’s pants pockets before washing them
Image credits: Sarah Brown (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Sarah Chai (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Leigh20220
The woman later responded to several readers and shared more context about the situation
When you get married, you’re entering an agreement to share almost everything with your partner. Your feelings, at least a portion of your finances, your home, possibly your vehicle, household responsibilities and much more. And any two partners who live together, married or not, likely do their laundry together. It doesn’t make sense to separate the loads all the time, and most couples have an agreement that they will take turns doing the chore, assuming they both wash a bit of each other’s clothes/towels/etc. each time. So when an individual is already sharing most of their life with their partner, it’s a little bizarre that there could be secrets lurking in their pants pockets.
To gain some insight on this topic and hear from an expert how much privacy is normal and healthy in a relationship, we reached out to Relationship Repair Specialist, Bruce Muzik. When it comes to how much we should keep from our partners, Bruce told Bored Panda that it depends on the couple. But he shared that every pair needs to balance two opposing forces: togetherness, or “the desire for connection and mutuality”, and separateness, or “the desire to be an individual, autonomous and independent”.
“Privacy falls under the banner of separateness,” Bruce noted. “So it is healthy to keep some things private from your partner. But too much privacy can border on secrecy (and that’s not good). Too little privacy and you’ll feel engulfed in relational claustrophobia.”
We also asked Bruce if it’s a red flag for one spouse to be adamant that their partner not touch their phone, computer or anywhere else they may have private information. “Not necessarily,” he told Bored Panda. “In the case of this Reddit article, yes, it’s a red flag. He’s probably hiding something.”
But Bruce still leaves room to give the husband the benefit of the doubt. “He might also have a past history of having his privacy violated and is hyper-sensitive to perceived invasions of his privacy. Without knowing his side of the story, I wouldn’t jump to conclusions immediately.”
Bruce also shared his two rules of thumb for helping partners understand how much to keep private from their relationship: “Share any information that your partner would feel angry or betrayed by if they discovered this information themselves, and volunteer all information that you believe will help increase your partner’s understanding of who you are and how you came to be you.”
In this particular case, it appears that the husband willingly handed over his pants to be washed. His wife did not sneak into their closet while he was at work or go out of her way to search for something suspicious. She simply didn’t want ripped up pieces of paper, coins or a pen ending up in their washing machine. We’ll never know what he was hiding on that piece of paper, but we can share our thoughts on whether or not this was an invasion of privacy. Let us know what you think about the dramatic reaction from this husband down below, and feel free to share if you’ve ever had a similar conflict with your spouse. Then if you want to read another Bored Panda article featuring laundry drama, check out this story next. And if you’d like to gain more relationship insight from Bruce, be sure to visit his website Love at First Fight right here.
Many commenters assured the woman that she had done nothing wrong, while some noted that her husband might be keeping secrets
You check your pockets before doing the laundry precisely BECAUSE you don’t want to forget and accidentally lose or ruin something important. Also, she’s his wife: what kind of trust is that? Hmmm…
All I can think is “affair with colleague”. I’m not usually a cynic, but if it isn’t that, it’s some serious mental issue that needs addressing as of several years ago. I can’t make it make sense any other way.
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Wonder how revealing that piece of paper would have been. I hope this woman doesn't end up gaslit/blaming herself and stuck with someone who uses her...
Reading her responses gave me the impression that she's already drifting in the direction.
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In my home, both me and my wife do the laundry, on the basis whoever has the time to do it. I always check all the pockets, and my wife usually checks the pockets. That is normal, precisely because you do not want to wash money or some other important piece of paper, be it a business card, or appointment to dentist. Guy who acts this way definitely is not playing fair in marriage. That is a big red flag. I would like to hear how this ended.
Right. In what world would he think she would NOT do this. He forgot, panicked and lost his mind. 0 excuse for his reaction and continued behavior. He's clearly been doing something very 'shady' for a while.
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"What, you're checking my pockets?! YOU DON'T TRUST ME?!" "Well I did, until just now when you said that..."
I agree! I looked it up on Reddit and found the original post. I didn't see any update or part 2 though. I posted the link as a comment in this thread if you want to go read all of the replies etc.
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Let's review. Your husband has told you : (A) he has something to hide, (B) where to find it, (C) its approximate size (small enough to fit in a pocket), and (D) he's an idiot.
This guy is darvo Ing her big time. DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender" DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender"
If that s**t went on here he'd better buy his own washing machine with the apartment he'd be moving to after I kicked his a*s out!
Agreed. She needs to run tf away from this guy. How many red flags do some people need?
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I ALWAYS check my husband's pockets because he ALWAYS leaves paper in them which ALWAYS makes a complete mess of the whole load. If he wanted to hide something from me, he wouldn't be putting it in his pockets, for me to find anytime. OP 's husband is a complete idiot and she's NTA! He's an a*****e. EDIT: maybe he got laid off (does this happen on paper??) and didn't want her to know.
Yeah, forgetting cheap tissues is a nightmare to get out of any wash. As much as it annoys me, I always check pockets (a whole new adventure with kids). So yes, hiding stuff in your pants that are going to be washed is beyond stupid. Now, if I wanted to hide something from my husband, I just need to put it in a snack box in the fridge, those seem to be invisible to him. ;-)
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I thought this one had an update that he was indeed cheating. BP shouldn't just take aita posts for articles, but best of redditor updates too.
Agree. Doesn't look like there is an update for this one though. I looked up the original post because I have way too much time on my hands this morning. https://is.gd/6mfiR3
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Likely his "warehouse job" is shady and/or criminal in some way or he is full on cheating. Certainly there are major trust issues on his part and major reasons for mistrust on her part. Also, based on a few things implied in the post, he's gaslit her before, so she Likely no longer trusts herself when in conflict with him.
Could have been a slip saying he's fired and he's pretending to go to work after this. Surprisingly happens a lot for dumb reasons
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Odds are there was a woman’s name and phone number, maybe even address as well, on that piece of paper. The lock on the closet is to keep the wife from 1) checking other pockets, and 2) seeing another woman’s lipstick/makeup (or worse) stains and smelling her perfume on his clothing. There’s an ultimatum coming for him in the near future: Fess up or this nice gentleman, who is also my lawyer, will hand you these divorce papers—-and I get to take everything as the injured party. You’ll be free to go to your girlfriend. But you’ll be broke, so she’ll probably end up ghosting you real quickly.
To the wife, get your finances in order (quietly), get a decent job and start making plans (quietly). This guy is either cheating or something is wrong with him (drugs, mental illness, etc). You might need to leave soon. This is similar to a couple my parents knew when I was growing up. Eventually that wife found jewelry that belonged to the mistress in their house (bedroom). They are still married all these years later but mostly b/c of their religious ideals. He's the type that goes around preaching at everyone quoting the bible and even told people in my family that they aren't going to heaven b/c they aren't his religion. He's since been banned from our family home. The wife sadly sort of fell apart and has never recovered. I'll never understand why she didn't leave him.
Important document my a*s. Proof he's cheating way more likely. But he might as well get used to doing his own laundry, because after this reaction he could wash his own things for sure.
In his new apartment, no less. He can take his locked closet with him.
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I've always done this with my husbands pockets before doing the laundry (and him with they few things of mine that have pockets) because of what happens if you don't... It's an absolute no brainer. The fact he got so defensive about something that is presumably ubiquitous in most households would be a big sign that he's hiding something to me.
Totally sus behaviour! If you can't trust your spouse, get the hey out of there now before he completely ruins your life.
She says she is disabled and they lived on her benefits. Thst can complicate divorcing or fear.
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I’ve had a machine wrecked with c**p falling out of pockets, my husband love him, will put a wash on if he sees it piling up but didn’t always check first. He does now as clothes have been ruined too with ink from all the pens he carries in his trousers and shirts. This is a huge red flag , seek counselling if you want the marriage to last or be prepared to throw his sorry a**e out because it’s only going to get worse if he continues to behave this way
I think we can forgive him since he actually tried to help out. He’s a good man.
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Thats ridiculous you have to check pockets for tissues or they make a right bloody mess in the washing machine!
My dad's third wife never checked pockets when she did the wash and on more than one occasion an ink pen would explode and ruin all the clothes in that load. I always check pockets and I'm the one who washes all of the clothes in my home. He is acting weirdly suspicious about such a normal thing to do. If she hasn't snooped before she probably will now because of his over-the-top reaction.
He's cheating end of. And terrible at it. Everyone checks pockets before washing. It makes sense! Giving out u mite lose important documents? What u did is to ensure you don't lose important documents! He's lying to you. Leave him to do his own washing and see how his mistress likes it when he turns up smelly and useless.
Something smells fishy and I would be looking for a lawyer, just in case. He either has a GF somewhere or doing some that doesn't sound legit. No one should act like you were robbing him, so protect yourself. Tell him you both need to talk. If he gets mad, then show him the door and he can get glad again. Large red flag. Follow your gut feelings.
Is there anyone out there that doesn't check pockets before doing laundry? This is as sus as hell.
You are 100% right. He is 100% wrong, and he is also hiding something BIG, and/or is also showing signs of delusional behavior. This has nothing to do with laundry and everything to do with your marriage. Sit him down for an honest discussion and ask him what he is hiding and why he's so adamant about hiding it. Be ready for the truth, which may not be good.
You check your pockets for a good reason. I was reading this thinking, 'yep, he's cheating' because that was such an OTT reaction when he could have simply said 'oh, thanks, I was looking for that' and walked away without her having seen it. However, the reaction of buying a lockable closet and locking his clothes away just seems Odd (capital O intended). Think about it, if he's concerned about her finding evidence of cheating on his clothes he might have cause to lock away the clothes he intends to re-wear or his dirty laundry, but why would he feel the need to lock away his clean clothing where there shouldn't be anything to snoop on? (Unless he tends to hide items amongst his clean clothes.) I would say either he needs a mental health assessment or OP needs a divorce lawyer.
I don't check pockets bcos i forget to do so, but even i know it's normal to check them. One thing is there could be something important, or even some cash that could get destroyed in the washing machine, and second thing - there could be a tissue that will get torn in shreds and stick to ALL THE CLOTHES, happened to my mom few times, all clothes were then covered in tiny tiny white pieces, hard to remove lol
Here is a link for anyone interested in reading the original post on Reddit https://is.gd/6mfiR3
Whatever is on the paper is not as bad as him lying and hiding it. That being said, confronting him or snooping is not going to help either. Listen to your gut, when you're ready, tell him how you feel and what you need to feel safe. Focus on yourself. Accusing him or telling him what he has to do will make him more defensive. After you state your feelings and needs briefly, listen to his response for denial or defensiveness. Those are signs of major issues.
If he's that paranoid just set to doing all the laundry but nothing of his. Leave machine instructions for washing and drying. Also put a memo that if items are left in wash or dryer when you need to do other loads then they will be left on floor or in a basket to be finished. He sounds like he's having a trist and you should just file for divorce and get the f.o.
I almost want to say that maybe he wasn't hiding anything in particular and he simply made use of the opportunity to gaslight the f**k out of her. I wouldn't be surprised if he is a dark empath/evil bastard who gets his rocks off slowly mindfucking the ones closest to him. In the a*s. Without lube. I feel so sorry for this woman and hope she gets away from that vampire in one piece. I cannot think of why else he would react that way, THEN GO BUY A LOCKABLE CLOSET? FOR REAL? Oh yeah and let's not forget his silent treatment during all of this. No. This man is a predator and yeah he might be hiding something on that paper but he is hiding behind the mask he wears for this unfortunate woman. I hate ppl sometimes.
I can see three options here (or a combination of them): he is cheating, he is on drugs, or he is very mentally unstable. Damn.
This isnt about checking his pants pockets: its about him hiding something MAJOR from you. He has either gotten a girlfriend, acquired gambling debts or come into money he doesnt want you to know about. All 3 are bad news for you. Start protecting yourself. And BTW, your husband is a real piece of work.
Um,checking pants before laundry is REQUIRED. Just ask anyone who ever forgot they left an ink pen in their pocket. There's probably lots of reasons he could've gotten upset, but only two have a high likelihood: either he's cheating, or he found work doing something highly illegal and/or dangerous.
When I was still in high school I forgot to check dad's pocket before washing his work uniform and I had to air out the whopping $150 that had been inside an envelope in his trousers. Bless the sturdy money since it was supposed to pay for my new laptop. Since then mom made sure I remember to always check out the pockets before I put them into the washer. So in conclusion, the husband is Sus and OP should probably prepare for a divorce lawyer. Or at least a marriage counselor.
My husband is ALWAYS the one who leaves tissues in his pockets. Every time I tell him and every time he just mumbles 'sorry'. This woman needs to tell hubby to do his own washing and ironing. Trust issues like this are a huge red flag. At least in my case it's only tissues.
If things would have stopped at "don't check my pockets" I could be extremely positive (and naive) and think he could be organizing a surprise party, or something like that, for the wife... but buying a new closet and lock it??? Yeah, no... that's NOT normal and you're definitely being cheated on... run... run like your life depends on it...
Hugest of huge red flags. Checking pockets before washing is Standard, normal, expected. He's hiding something. He sounds like a control freak too (ie. He's the breadwinner so she does it all even though she's disabled, locking clothes away etc etc). This poor lady needs to get out.
So sad but a classic. When a man is jobless he is happy with s a wife of whose benefits he can live. But as he gets job he wants to upgrade his life with another woman.
Landlord here who has had a few section 8/permanent disability females as tenants: their boyfriends and or husbands are generally sketchy as f***. Actually they usually don't marry them because they would lose section 8. Guys that don't already have a job and are willing to let their disabled girlfriend float all of the bills are generally not the ones you want or need in a permanent relationship. The fact that they're willing to help maybe good, but I haven't seen many that want to add to the relationship. They are usually users. And I mean that quite literally, they're using their girlfriend for finances, and often they're also using alcohol and or drugs, which the girlfriends also purchase.
Red flags all over the place here. Of course you're nta, I am concerned about your own comments though. You say his overreacting has happened before but this was worse, so his behaviour is escalating. You also say he has accused you of being confrontational, when in fact that is what he is being. Regardless of whether he's cheating or not (probably), for me the real issue here is that he is exhibiting classic abuse behaviour. Get out before the physical stuff starts!
...pulling out all pockets is PART of doing laundry! If you've ever accidentally washed a tissue or paper towel, then it's your new religion! ...and it's mindless! I pull out all pockets over the dryer and whatever falls out stays there in a bowl until my peeps come find it or 'lost' something. The change is used for whatever the kids want to 'blow' it on. It's part of the process - this wack job booger is p!ssed bc she found a phone number or titty pic! Jebus! People have all lost their d@mn minds acting like this! Cray cray lunatic man!
So much blabbering about checking pockets or not... OF COURSE you have to check pockets. OF COURSE he's lying. It's so freaking obvious. The only way this goes well is if he was planning a surprise for her, but his aggressive reaction makes it crystal clear he's a cheater or a druggy or both.
Either he cleans out his own pockets or he does his own laundry from now on. Period. The end.
I'm wondering what sort of "important document" is important enough to not be put through the washing machine.... But not important enough to not fold up and put in your pocket... Sounds like a love note to me
I hate when men are complete freeloaders then suddenly get a job and think the wife is s**t and they suddenly run the house and control everything when he has been sitting on his a*s living off your benefits the last years. And if a receipt goes through the dryer, the whole load is ruined. And if this really was "an important document" aka Tiffany's phone number, he probably would have gone more ballistic over it getting wrecked in the wash because you DIDN'T check the pockets. My husband gets super pissed when I go through his coat pockets but that's just because I know he hides the good snacks in there LOL
He's either met someone at his new job, or someone at his new job has 'offered him an off the books opportunity' - to sell drugs.
Two questions I would have asked: Why haven't you asked me not to empty your pockets before I do laundry after x years? How do you think your pocket items haven't been washed before? But I don't think there's any coming back from this. And, he shouldn't be speaking to you this way, or be that defensive for any reason
shower thought - it was his payslip and he didn't want her to see it, because she'll find out that he's either not getting as much as he tells her, or he is getting more than he tells her and he's either betting or buying something that needs to be kept secret.
She's dealing with a narcissist. She will never win on anything. She's blaming herself for his pathetic behavior, due to his scapegoating/gas lighting her. No doubt he's hiding something. She needs to get wise and educate herself on his personality disorder. Watch a few (or many) Dr. Ramani videos on narcissism. They helped me and many others to understand what we've been dealing with.
I'm sorry honey, but you're an idiot. Important documents are not folded in someone's work pants. He's up to something he shouldn't be. And if his "privacy" is so important to him, tell him he can do his own laundry. I'm sorry, but you're coming across as either a doormat or someone being groomed for abuse. Stand up for yourself.
The rule in my house was and is whatever is in your pockets is too bad. I'm not spending time checking pockets. If it is important, remove it yourself. If it breaks the machine, you are paying for the repairs. Only took the kids one or two oops, but the husband is still learning after 36 years.
Who doesnt check the pockets before doing the laundry? Like is he serious?..make him do his own or pay to get them cleaned. That reaction was overkill it's more than an "important document" .....you didn't even read it if you ask to see it. Smh and then buying a lock. I'd watch for signs of foul play for like cheating...gambling... spending habits something is off here.
Std testing... He's either got a gf, or the new job is selling drugs or something equally illegal (my bet is on a gf or bf tho...)
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 he doesn't trust you to LOOK AT HIS POCKETS lol I bet it was a phone number ma'am. Get out of there, find someone better. I can believe there are people this passive, if I waa in this situation, treated like that he would be on the streets right away (or I would) and contacting my lawyer right away to get the divorce papers. B***h, you married to me I'm not your mother you should share your secrets with your wife, and even if you want privacy you don't SCREAM at your partner for doing something normal and BUY A CLOSET WITH A LOCK. I wish my mom would check my pockets when she used to wash my clothes haha I'm going to make clear to my partner: or there are no secrets between us or I'm not getting married
What he did is childish. He's obviously hiding something and you have every right to go through his pockets when doing laundry. You're def NTA
His attitude changed the second he started working, in a bad way. Everything seems fine when he was unemployed and when.the money they had was the one she get because of her disability. If this isn't a redflag, I don't know what it is. This "pants problem" was just the begining. Leave, girl.
If this man feels violated by a normal laundry procedure...do your own laundry! Bigger concern is whatever he is hiding. Whatever secret she almost exposed....Another partner, financial issues, whatever the scenario that man is doing something bad behind her back because a normal situation no one would feel violated.
This man is not going to get better - only worse. Pay attention to red flags people. Make a plan to separate - get help and advice now. And definitely stop doing any personal “chores” for this man. If I was the person I am now, I wouldn’t have gotten together with my husband and would have gotten an annulment after he got drunk with his buddies during our wedding reception and didn’t come to our room on our wedding night. The pursuit of the all-mighty good time is more important. Now I’ve gone and trapped myself with a now 55 year old man, who has regressed from acting like a 17 year old to 13 sometimes I’d say now. Good thing we didn’t have children.
How much do you know about his past? Was he prison or homeless? How was he raised? Was he beaten? He gets upset with any comments that he sees as confrontational. It sounds like you are living on pins and needles. While the both of you were living on your disability was he helpful or protective of his privacy? You shouldn't have to live on pins and needles because he doesnt understand how laundry is sorted and if he accuses you of being confrontational when are not. Good luck. Something isnt right.
He's cheating. Is this really a question? Look how defensive he gets. The gaslighting, the misdirection, the LOCK... That was some chick's address or phone number. He's probably been doing it a while. No doubt about it. I don't give a f**k about privacy after that level of suspicious behavior. His cards would be on the table in five minutes, by the easy way or the hard way.
Important documents? More like a phone number or address of someone he's interested in. I'd put money on he's cheating or about to cheat. Regardless, the moment you said I do in "MY OPINION" you give up some rights that a lot of people, especially women, (yes, I am a woman) think your supposed to keep. Privacy is one of them. Again, MY OPINION, if you have a true marriage, then you have no problem with your spouse looking at anything of yours and vice versa. My husband completely agrees with me. The only problem with that department we have had is when we're trying to surprise each other with something.
I have always checked the pockets before laundry. I don't want something messing up the clothes, like one lone tissue can do. Does he always keep "important" papers in his pants pockets? Dirty pants that he put in the dirty laundry? You are married, if it was that "important" of a piece of paper, wouldn't you be privy to that? Oh, unless it is the contact info for the poptart he met at work! NTA, but your husband's behavior is out of line. Buying a locking closet? Why? You were doing the DIRTY laundry. I would teach him a lesson by tracking everything he does and expose the truth. He is gaslighting you, making believe your normal behavior crossed a line and you deserve to be punished by him distancing himself, instead of sharing what was so "important" about that paper. Oh and doing his laundry, ever again? Yeah, NO! Consult a lawyer while you're at it. You definitely do need to learn a lesson: behavior like this is not normal and he is up to something. Best of luck!
This is either paranoid behavior or he’s hiding something. I always check pockets before doing laundry. Not only for something valuable, but to prevent the mass that Kleenexes in a pocket can make in the washer. And then there’s the mess some thing like a pen could make in the washer. Definitely not AH. Your husband is.
You should offer him the opportunity to do his own laundry, at his own home where he doesn't have to worry about you checking his pockets. He'll even have his own closet! Or tell you WTF he's acting like a child. Then he can make a grown-up decision.
Meanwhile my husband can’t remind me enough times to check his pockets! He has a dedicated jar labeled “pocket candy” for anything found in them.
Investigation now on! Made something not so obviously more noticed. Omg when your in being married there's no privacy, and he could be hiding the phone number from someone, if he's hiding something they block you from a phone, computer, or anything he could be cheating.
So what I getting from this is she checks the pockets then if there’s something in the pocket she just takes it or throws it away. I wouldn’t have a problem with my SO checking my pockets if they told me that they do that she clearly didn’t tell him that she did that and I would see as disrespectful and snooping. Also my closet has a lock and I normally keep it locked I literally see nothing wrong with that. Also if we flipped the coin and say the husband looked through the girls purse literally everyone would be insulting the husband for going through her stuff and snooping. Also for anyone that’s going to say a purse and pants pockets are different, no they are literally the same the reason girls have purses is because their pants don’t have pockets so don’t even try that.
You check your pockets before doing the laundry precisely BECAUSE you don’t want to forget and accidentally lose or ruin something important. Also, she’s his wife: what kind of trust is that? Hmmm…
All I can think is “affair with colleague”. I’m not usually a cynic, but if it isn’t that, it’s some serious mental issue that needs addressing as of several years ago. I can’t make it make sense any other way.
Load More Replies... Wonder how revealing that piece of paper would have been. I hope this woman doesn't end up gaslit/blaming herself and stuck with someone who uses her...
Reading her responses gave me the impression that she's already drifting in the direction.
Load More Replies... In my home, both me and my wife do the laundry, on the basis whoever has the time to do it. I always check all the pockets, and my wife usually checks the pockets. That is normal, precisely because you do not want to wash money or some other important piece of paper, be it a business card, or appointment to dentist. Guy who acts this way definitely is not playing fair in marriage. That is a big red flag. I would like to hear how this ended.
Right. In what world would he think she would NOT do this. He forgot, panicked and lost his mind. 0 excuse for his reaction and continued behavior. He's clearly been doing something very 'shady' for a while.
Load More Replies... "What, you're checking my pockets?! YOU DON'T TRUST ME?!" "Well I did, until just now when you said that..."
I agree! I looked it up on Reddit and found the original post. I didn't see any update or part 2 though. I posted the link as a comment in this thread if you want to go read all of the replies etc.
Load More Replies... Let's review. Your husband has told you : (A) he has something to hide, (B) where to find it, (C) its approximate size (small enough to fit in a pocket), and (D) he's an idiot.
This guy is darvo Ing her big time. DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender" DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender"
If that s**t went on here he'd better buy his own washing machine with the apartment he'd be moving to after I kicked his a*s out!
Agreed. She needs to run tf away from this guy. How many red flags do some people need?
Load More Replies... I ALWAYS check my husband's pockets because he ALWAYS leaves paper in them which ALWAYS makes a complete mess of the whole load. If he wanted to hide something from me, he wouldn't be putting it in his pockets, for me to find anytime. OP 's husband is a complete idiot and she's NTA! He's an a*****e. EDIT: maybe he got laid off (does this happen on paper??) and didn't want her to know.
Yeah, forgetting cheap tissues is a nightmare to get out of any wash. As much as it annoys me, I always check pockets (a whole new adventure with kids). So yes, hiding stuff in your pants that are going to be washed is beyond stupid. Now, if I wanted to hide something from my husband, I just need to put it in a snack box in the fridge, those seem to be invisible to him. ;-)
Load More Replies... I thought this one had an update that he was indeed cheating. BP shouldn't just take aita posts for articles, but best of redditor updates too.
Agree. Doesn't look like there is an update for this one though. I looked up the original post because I have way too much time on my hands this morning. https://is.gd/6mfiR3
Load More Replies... Likely his "warehouse job" is shady and/or criminal in some way or he is full on cheating. Certainly there are major trust issues on his part and major reasons for mistrust on her part. Also, based on a few things implied in the post, he's gaslit her before, so she Likely no longer trusts herself when in conflict with him.
Could have been a slip saying he's fired and he's pretending to go to work after this. Surprisingly happens a lot for dumb reasons
Load More Replies... Odds are there was a woman’s name and phone number, maybe even address as well, on that piece of paper. The lock on the closet is to keep the wife from 1) checking other pockets, and 2) seeing another woman’s lipstick/makeup (or worse) stains and smelling her perfume on his clothing. There’s an ultimatum coming for him in the near future: Fess up or this nice gentleman, who is also my lawyer, will hand you these divorce papers—-and I get to take everything as the injured party. You’ll be free to go to your girlfriend. But you’ll be broke, so she’ll probably end up ghosting you real quickly.
To the wife, get your finances in order (quietly), get a decent job and start making plans (quietly). This guy is either cheating or something is wrong with him (drugs, mental illness, etc). You might need to leave soon. This is similar to a couple my parents knew when I was growing up. Eventually that wife found jewelry that belonged to the mistress in their house (bedroom). They are still married all these years later but mostly b/c of their religious ideals. He's the type that goes around preaching at everyone quoting the bible and even told people in my family that they aren't going to heaven b/c they aren't his religion. He's since been banned from our family home. The wife sadly sort of fell apart and has never recovered. I'll never understand why she didn't leave him.
Important document my a*s. Proof he's cheating way more likely. But he might as well get used to doing his own laundry, because after this reaction he could wash his own things for sure.
In his new apartment, no less. He can take his locked closet with him.
Load More Replies... I've always done this with my husbands pockets before doing the laundry (and him with they few things of mine that have pockets) because of what happens if you don't... It's an absolute no brainer. The fact he got so defensive about something that is presumably ubiquitous in most households would be a big sign that he's hiding something to me.
Totally sus behaviour! If you can't trust your spouse, get the hey out of there now before he completely ruins your life.
She says she is disabled and they lived on her benefits. Thst can complicate divorcing or fear.
Load More Replies... I’ve had a machine wrecked with c**p falling out of pockets, my husband love him, will put a wash on if he sees it piling up but didn’t always check first. He does now as clothes have been ruined too with ink from all the pens he carries in his trousers and shirts. This is a huge red flag , seek counselling if you want the marriage to last or be prepared to throw his sorry a**e out because it’s only going to get worse if he continues to behave this way
I think we can forgive him since he actually tried to help out. He’s a good man.
Load More Replies... Thats ridiculous you have to check pockets for tissues or they make a right bloody mess in the washing machine!
My dad's third wife never checked pockets when she did the wash and on more than one occasion an ink pen would explode and ruin all the clothes in that load. I always check pockets and I'm the one who washes all of the clothes in my home. He is acting weirdly suspicious about such a normal thing to do. If she hasn't snooped before she probably will now because of his over-the-top reaction.
He's cheating end of. And terrible at it. Everyone checks pockets before washing. It makes sense! Giving out u mite lose important documents? What u did is to ensure you don't lose important documents! He's lying to you. Leave him to do his own washing and see how his mistress likes it when he turns up smelly and useless.
Something smells fishy and I would be looking for a lawyer, just in case. He either has a GF somewhere or doing some that doesn't sound legit. No one should act like you were robbing him, so protect yourself. Tell him you both need to talk. If he gets mad, then show him the door and he can get glad again. Large red flag. Follow your gut feelings.
Is there anyone out there that doesn't check pockets before doing laundry? This is as sus as hell.
You are 100% right. He is 100% wrong, and he is also hiding something BIG, and/or is also showing signs of delusional behavior. This has nothing to do with laundry and everything to do with your marriage. Sit him down for an honest discussion and ask him what he is hiding and why he's so adamant about hiding it. Be ready for the truth, which may not be good.
You check your pockets for a good reason. I was reading this thinking, 'yep, he's cheating' because that was such an OTT reaction when he could have simply said 'oh, thanks, I was looking for that' and walked away without her having seen it. However, the reaction of buying a lockable closet and locking his clothes away just seems Odd (capital O intended). Think about it, if he's concerned about her finding evidence of cheating on his clothes he might have cause to lock away the clothes he intends to re-wear or his dirty laundry, but why would he feel the need to lock away his clean clothing where there shouldn't be anything to snoop on? (Unless he tends to hide items amongst his clean clothes.) I would say either he needs a mental health assessment or OP needs a divorce lawyer.
I don't check pockets bcos i forget to do so, but even i know it's normal to check them. One thing is there could be something important, or even some cash that could get destroyed in the washing machine, and second thing - there could be a tissue that will get torn in shreds and stick to ALL THE CLOTHES, happened to my mom few times, all clothes were then covered in tiny tiny white pieces, hard to remove lol
Here is a link for anyone interested in reading the original post on Reddit https://is.gd/6mfiR3
Whatever is on the paper is not as bad as him lying and hiding it. That being said, confronting him or snooping is not going to help either. Listen to your gut, when you're ready, tell him how you feel and what you need to feel safe. Focus on yourself. Accusing him or telling him what he has to do will make him more defensive. After you state your feelings and needs briefly, listen to his response for denial or defensiveness. Those are signs of major issues.
If he's that paranoid just set to doing all the laundry but nothing of his. Leave machine instructions for washing and drying. Also put a memo that if items are left in wash or dryer when you need to do other loads then they will be left on floor or in a basket to be finished. He sounds like he's having a trist and you should just file for divorce and get the f.o.
I almost want to say that maybe he wasn't hiding anything in particular and he simply made use of the opportunity to gaslight the f**k out of her. I wouldn't be surprised if he is a dark empath/evil bastard who gets his rocks off slowly mindfucking the ones closest to him. In the a*s. Without lube. I feel so sorry for this woman and hope she gets away from that vampire in one piece. I cannot think of why else he would react that way, THEN GO BUY A LOCKABLE CLOSET? FOR REAL? Oh yeah and let's not forget his silent treatment during all of this. No. This man is a predator and yeah he might be hiding something on that paper but he is hiding behind the mask he wears for this unfortunate woman. I hate ppl sometimes.
I can see three options here (or a combination of them): he is cheating, he is on drugs, or he is very mentally unstable. Damn.
This isnt about checking his pants pockets: its about him hiding something MAJOR from you. He has either gotten a girlfriend, acquired gambling debts or come into money he doesnt want you to know about. All 3 are bad news for you. Start protecting yourself. And BTW, your husband is a real piece of work.
Um,checking pants before laundry is REQUIRED. Just ask anyone who ever forgot they left an ink pen in their pocket. There's probably lots of reasons he could've gotten upset, but only two have a high likelihood: either he's cheating, or he found work doing something highly illegal and/or dangerous.
When I was still in high school I forgot to check dad's pocket before washing his work uniform and I had to air out the whopping $150 that had been inside an envelope in his trousers. Bless the sturdy money since it was supposed to pay for my new laptop. Since then mom made sure I remember to always check out the pockets before I put them into the washer. So in conclusion, the husband is Sus and OP should probably prepare for a divorce lawyer. Or at least a marriage counselor.
My husband is ALWAYS the one who leaves tissues in his pockets. Every time I tell him and every time he just mumbles 'sorry'. This woman needs to tell hubby to do his own washing and ironing. Trust issues like this are a huge red flag. At least in my case it's only tissues.
If things would have stopped at "don't check my pockets" I could be extremely positive (and naive) and think he could be organizing a surprise party, or something like that, for the wife... but buying a new closet and lock it??? Yeah, no... that's NOT normal and you're definitely being cheated on... run... run like your life depends on it...
Hugest of huge red flags. Checking pockets before washing is Standard, normal, expected. He's hiding something. He sounds like a control freak too (ie. He's the breadwinner so she does it all even though she's disabled, locking clothes away etc etc). This poor lady needs to get out.
So sad but a classic. When a man is jobless he is happy with s a wife of whose benefits he can live. But as he gets job he wants to upgrade his life with another woman.
Landlord here who has had a few section 8/permanent disability females as tenants: their boyfriends and or husbands are generally sketchy as f***. Actually they usually don't marry them because they would lose section 8. Guys that don't already have a job and are willing to let their disabled girlfriend float all of the bills are generally not the ones you want or need in a permanent relationship. The fact that they're willing to help maybe good, but I haven't seen many that want to add to the relationship. They are usually users. And I mean that quite literally, they're using their girlfriend for finances, and often they're also using alcohol and or drugs, which the girlfriends also purchase.
Red flags all over the place here. Of course you're nta, I am concerned about your own comments though. You say his overreacting has happened before but this was worse, so his behaviour is escalating. You also say he has accused you of being confrontational, when in fact that is what he is being. Regardless of whether he's cheating or not (probably), for me the real issue here is that he is exhibiting classic abuse behaviour. Get out before the physical stuff starts!
...pulling out all pockets is PART of doing laundry! If you've ever accidentally washed a tissue or paper towel, then it's your new religion! ...and it's mindless! I pull out all pockets over the dryer and whatever falls out stays there in a bowl until my peeps come find it or 'lost' something. The change is used for whatever the kids want to 'blow' it on. It's part of the process - this wack job booger is p!ssed bc she found a phone number or titty pic! Jebus! People have all lost their d@mn minds acting like this! Cray cray lunatic man!
So much blabbering about checking pockets or not... OF COURSE you have to check pockets. OF COURSE he's lying. It's so freaking obvious. The only way this goes well is if he was planning a surprise for her, but his aggressive reaction makes it crystal clear he's a cheater or a druggy or both.
Either he cleans out his own pockets or he does his own laundry from now on. Period. The end.
I'm wondering what sort of "important document" is important enough to not be put through the washing machine.... But not important enough to not fold up and put in your pocket... Sounds like a love note to me
I hate when men are complete freeloaders then suddenly get a job and think the wife is s**t and they suddenly run the house and control everything when he has been sitting on his a*s living off your benefits the last years. And if a receipt goes through the dryer, the whole load is ruined. And if this really was "an important document" aka Tiffany's phone number, he probably would have gone more ballistic over it getting wrecked in the wash because you DIDN'T check the pockets. My husband gets super pissed when I go through his coat pockets but that's just because I know he hides the good snacks in there LOL
He's either met someone at his new job, or someone at his new job has 'offered him an off the books opportunity' - to sell drugs.
Two questions I would have asked: Why haven't you asked me not to empty your pockets before I do laundry after x years? How do you think your pocket items haven't been washed before? But I don't think there's any coming back from this. And, he shouldn't be speaking to you this way, or be that defensive for any reason
shower thought - it was his payslip and he didn't want her to see it, because she'll find out that he's either not getting as much as he tells her, or he is getting more than he tells her and he's either betting or buying something that needs to be kept secret.
She's dealing with a narcissist. She will never win on anything. She's blaming herself for his pathetic behavior, due to his scapegoating/gas lighting her. No doubt he's hiding something. She needs to get wise and educate herself on his personality disorder. Watch a few (or many) Dr. Ramani videos on narcissism. They helped me and many others to understand what we've been dealing with.
I'm sorry honey, but you're an idiot. Important documents are not folded in someone's work pants. He's up to something he shouldn't be. And if his "privacy" is so important to him, tell him he can do his own laundry. I'm sorry, but you're coming across as either a doormat or someone being groomed for abuse. Stand up for yourself.
The rule in my house was and is whatever is in your pockets is too bad. I'm not spending time checking pockets. If it is important, remove it yourself. If it breaks the machine, you are paying for the repairs. Only took the kids one or two oops, but the husband is still learning after 36 years.
Who doesnt check the pockets before doing the laundry? Like is he serious?..make him do his own or pay to get them cleaned. That reaction was overkill it's more than an "important document" .....you didn't even read it if you ask to see it. Smh and then buying a lock. I'd watch for signs of foul play for like cheating...gambling... spending habits something is off here.
Std testing... He's either got a gf, or the new job is selling drugs or something equally illegal (my bet is on a gf or bf tho...)
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 he doesn't trust you to LOOK AT HIS POCKETS lol I bet it was a phone number ma'am. Get out of there, find someone better. I can believe there are people this passive, if I waa in this situation, treated like that he would be on the streets right away (or I would) and contacting my lawyer right away to get the divorce papers. B***h, you married to me I'm not your mother you should share your secrets with your wife, and even if you want privacy you don't SCREAM at your partner for doing something normal and BUY A CLOSET WITH A LOCK. I wish my mom would check my pockets when she used to wash my clothes haha I'm going to make clear to my partner: or there are no secrets between us or I'm not getting married
What he did is childish. He's obviously hiding something and you have every right to go through his pockets when doing laundry. You're def NTA
His attitude changed the second he started working, in a bad way. Everything seems fine when he was unemployed and when.the money they had was the one she get because of her disability. If this isn't a redflag, I don't know what it is. This "pants problem" was just the begining. Leave, girl.
If this man feels violated by a normal laundry procedure...do your own laundry! Bigger concern is whatever he is hiding. Whatever secret she almost exposed....Another partner, financial issues, whatever the scenario that man is doing something bad behind her back because a normal situation no one would feel violated.
This man is not going to get better - only worse. Pay attention to red flags people. Make a plan to separate - get help and advice now. And definitely stop doing any personal “chores” for this man. If I was the person I am now, I wouldn’t have gotten together with my husband and would have gotten an annulment after he got drunk with his buddies during our wedding reception and didn’t come to our room on our wedding night. The pursuit of the all-mighty good time is more important. Now I’ve gone and trapped myself with a now 55 year old man, who has regressed from acting like a 17 year old to 13 sometimes I’d say now. Good thing we didn’t have children.
How much do you know about his past? Was he prison or homeless? How was he raised? Was he beaten? He gets upset with any comments that he sees as confrontational. It sounds like you are living on pins and needles. While the both of you were living on your disability was he helpful or protective of his privacy? You shouldn't have to live on pins and needles because he doesnt understand how laundry is sorted and if he accuses you of being confrontational when are not. Good luck. Something isnt right.
He's cheating. Is this really a question? Look how defensive he gets. The gaslighting, the misdirection, the LOCK... That was some chick's address or phone number. He's probably been doing it a while. No doubt about it. I don't give a f**k about privacy after that level of suspicious behavior. His cards would be on the table in five minutes, by the easy way or the hard way.
Important documents? More like a phone number or address of someone he's interested in. I'd put money on he's cheating or about to cheat. Regardless, the moment you said I do in "MY OPINION" you give up some rights that a lot of people, especially women, (yes, I am a woman) think your supposed to keep. Privacy is one of them. Again, MY OPINION, if you have a true marriage, then you have no problem with your spouse looking at anything of yours and vice versa. My husband completely agrees with me. The only problem with that department we have had is when we're trying to surprise each other with something.
I have always checked the pockets before laundry. I don't want something messing up the clothes, like one lone tissue can do. Does he always keep "important" papers in his pants pockets? Dirty pants that he put in the dirty laundry? You are married, if it was that "important" of a piece of paper, wouldn't you be privy to that? Oh, unless it is the contact info for the poptart he met at work! NTA, but your husband's behavior is out of line. Buying a locking closet? Why? You were doing the DIRTY laundry. I would teach him a lesson by tracking everything he does and expose the truth. He is gaslighting you, making believe your normal behavior crossed a line and you deserve to be punished by him distancing himself, instead of sharing what was so "important" about that paper. Oh and doing his laundry, ever again? Yeah, NO! Consult a lawyer while you're at it. You definitely do need to learn a lesson: behavior like this is not normal and he is up to something. Best of luck!
This is either paranoid behavior or he’s hiding something. I always check pockets before doing laundry. Not only for something valuable, but to prevent the mass that Kleenexes in a pocket can make in the washer. And then there’s the mess some thing like a pen could make in the washer. Definitely not AH. Your husband is.
You should offer him the opportunity to do his own laundry, at his own home where he doesn't have to worry about you checking his pockets. He'll even have his own closet! Or tell you WTF he's acting like a child. Then he can make a grown-up decision.
Meanwhile my husband can’t remind me enough times to check his pockets! He has a dedicated jar labeled “pocket candy” for anything found in them.
Investigation now on! Made something not so obviously more noticed. Omg when your in being married there's no privacy, and he could be hiding the phone number from someone, if he's hiding something they block you from a phone, computer, or anything he could be cheating.
So what I getting from this is she checks the pockets then if there’s something in the pocket she just takes it or throws it away. I wouldn’t have a problem with my SO checking my pockets if they told me that they do that she clearly didn’t tell him that she did that and I would see as disrespectful and snooping. Also my closet has a lock and I normally keep it locked I literally see nothing wrong with that. Also if we flipped the coin and say the husband looked through the girls purse literally everyone would be insulting the husband for going through her stuff and snooping. Also for anyone that’s going to say a purse and pants pockets are different, no they are literally the same the reason girls have purses is because their pants don’t have pockets so don’t even try that.
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