“We Are Her Retirement Plan”: Woman Stands Firm As Husband’s Family Pressures Them

It’s natural to want to support your loved ones when they’re struggling. However, you may have to make some pretty tough choices about what to do if you suffer any sudden financial shocks, like losing your job. Then, you might have to rebalance your budget and cut back on a lot of expenses, meaning your relatives may have to fend for themselves for a while.

Redditor u/PresidentPikachu asked the AITA community for a verdict on whether she was a jerk for refusing to financially support her husband’s parents with monthly payments of $100. Scroll down for the full story, including the advice the internet gave her. Bored Panda has reached out to the author for comment, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.

Having to support your in-laws can be a huge financial burden when you’re dealing with major shocks to your family’s income

Hands holding a stack of hundred-dollar bills symbolizing refusal to support husband’s mom after job loss.

Image credits: Kateryna Hliznitsova / unsplash (not the actual photo)

One woman opened up about how she enforced her boundaries by refusing to pay her husband’s parents a monthly sum of money

Text excerpt showing a wife refusing to financially support husband’s mom after he loses job, sparking family dispute.

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Text describing a family conflict after husband loses job and wife refuses to support husband’s mom, causing family tension.

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Image credits: Steve Bartells / unsplash (not the actual photo)

Text excerpt from a family discussion about supporting husband's mom after job loss and accusations of selfishness.

Text excerpt discussing a wife refusing to support husband’s mom after he loses job, causing family to call her selfish.

Text excerpt about a wife refusing to support husband's mom after he loses job, highlighting family conflict and financial strain.

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Wife refuses to support husband’s mom after job loss, causing family conflict and accusations of selfishness.

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Later, the author answered some important questions people had

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Image credits: Ramy Mamdouh / unsplash (not the actual photo)

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Text conversation about mom working at a tax-prep place and parents receiving food bank support after job loss.

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Image credits: PresidentPikachu

No matter how much you earn, you should always strive to spend less than your income and avoid lifestyle bloat

It depends entirely on your unique financial situation (your income, spending, savings, emergency fund, investments, debt, assets, etc.) and your relationship with your family whether or not you can afford to support them when they’re in need.

No matter your income, a good rule of thumb is to always live below your means and to earn more than you spend (or the reverse, to spend less than you earn). $100 per month is a lot of money. It can be the difference between meeting your financial goals or eating into your savings if you’re living paycheck to paycheck.

These added monthly expenses, even if paid with the best of intentions, are even more noticeable if you’ve suffered any recent financial shocks. Losing your job, having to suddenly repair your home or car, and paying for medical expenses can be a huge burden. And every dollar counts.

It’s possible to barely make ends meet even if your income looks massive on paper. Lifestyle bloat, bad spending habits, and growing costs can put even middle and upper-class earners at risk.

For instance, in a recent article, CNN reported that a whopping fifth of American households earning more than $150,000 per year are living paycheck to paycheck.

According to Bank of America, people living paycheck to paycheck to paycheck are those individuals who dedicate more than 95% of their household income to necessities: housing costs, childcare, gasoline, food, utilities, public transportation, and internet.

For one, higher-income households have larger, more expensive homes to look after and pay mortgages on. These expensive homes also have bigger property taxes, utility bills, and insurance costs.

Some people may be taking out bigger mortgages because they assume that they’ll be getting raises and promotions. Meanwhile, some high-income households have a lot of younger children, which puts them under more financial stress until they reach school age.

Man removing a dollar bill from a brown leather wallet, representing financial struggles after losing a job.

Image credits: Allef Vinicius / unsplash (not the actual photo)

It’s vital to have emergency savings that you can rely on during financial shocks like losing your job

It’s a really good idea for everyone to have an emergency fund they can fall back on during tough times. Naturally, the bigger this fund, the more flexibility you’ll have when it comes to finding a new job, upskilling, paying for unexpected expenses, etc.

HSBC explains that having emergency savings that you can fall back on is better than having to borrow money or make difficult financial decisions.

According to the bank, you should aim to have an emergency fund the size of at least 3 months worth of living expenses. Your goal should be to have enough savings to cover 6 months worth of expenses. For example, your rent or mortgage payments, as well as food and transportation costs.

“You may want to open a separate savings account for your emergency fund so you’re not tempted to dip into it. Ideally, you want to be able to access the money quickly, if you need it, so you don’t want it to be in a locked savings account or invested,” the bank advises.

“A good way to stick to your savings plan is to set up a standing order to move money into a savings account each month. If you schedule it for the day you get paid, you’ll lower the temptation to spend it. You can also put extra money into your savings account whenever you want. If you have money left over at the end of a month, why not add it to your savings?” HSBC suggests.

Person holding open jar with money inside, symbolizing refusal to support husband's mom after job loss.

Image credits: Vitalii Khodzinskyi / unsplash (not the actual photo)

Having boundaries and saying ‘no’ when you genuinely can’t afford to help someone in need is healthy and honest

Boundaries are essential to have and to enforce if you want your relationships to be healthy. Though you can be more flexible with your boundaries when it comes to your closest family members and significant other, it’s still important that there’s mutual respect.

To put it bluntly, saying ‘no’ is perfectly healthy and viable. Sure, family is family and you should strive to help out your loved ones if they sincerely need it. However, you still have to take care of yourself before taking care of anyone else. It’s not beneficial for anyone if you start going into debt or can barely put food on the table just so you can financially support someone else.

You don’t necessarily have to contribute money to be helpful, though. If you see that your relatives are struggling with their money, you can provide them with some practical advice to improve their financial literacy.

For instance, if their spending is off the hook, you can help them make a realistic budget. If their income is negligible, you can help them improve their CV, apply for better jobs, practice their interviewing skills, improve their technical and soft skills, etc.

Honestly, coaching someone and helping them land a better, more purposeful, higher-paying job with good benefits can be better than just sending them monthly checks to help them pay their rent. Charity is good. That being said, charity doesn’t always involve money.

How would you navigate a situation where your in-laws asked you for monthly payments to help them make ends meet? Have you ever had to choose between your welfare and that of your loved ones? What would you do if you were in the post author’s shoes? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Feel free to share your take in the comments section at the bottom of this article.

Wife and husband in tense conversation at home, wife refuses to support husband’s mom after job loss discussion.

Image credits: Jordan González / unsplash (not the actual photo)

The woman engaged with some of her readers, opening up even further and sharing more context

Text post discussing wife refusing to support husband's mom after he loses job, family calls her selfish in online forum.

Reddit conversation about wife refusing to support husband’s mom after job loss, family calling her selfish over finances.

Wife refuses to support husband’s mom after job loss, causing family conflict over financial responsibilities and selfishness claims

Many readers were very supportive of the woman’s approach. Here’s how they saw the situation

Comment discussing wife refusing to support husband’s mom after job loss, with family calling her selfish and siblings criticized.

Reddit comment discussing wife refusing to support husband’s mom after job loss, calling her selfish by family members.

Comment discussing wife refusing to support husband’s mom after he loses job, highlighting family calling her selfish behavior.

Comment text expressing frustration with judgment about poverty and supporting family after job loss in a discussion about wife refusing to support husband's mom.

Screenshot of an online comment discussing a wife refusing to support husband’s mom after job loss.

Comment discussing wife refusing to support husband’s mom after job loss, with family calling her selfish.

Reddit comment discussing wife refusing to support husband’s mom after job loss, family labeling her selfish.

Comment about wife refusing to support husband's mom after job loss, discussing family views on selfishness and finances.

Comment on forum discussing wife refusing to support husband's mom after job loss, labeled selfish by family members.

Reddit comment discussing wife's refusal to support husband's mom after job loss and family calling her selfish.

Commenter advising husband to find a job while mentioning family conflicts over support after job loss.

Comment discussing frustration over husband's long-term unemployment and challenges with family support after job loss.

Comment from a user defending wife refusing to support husband’s mom after job loss, family calling her selfish.

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