People Beg Dad To Reconsider Canceling Daughter’s Tuition After She Called His GF A “Fat Pig”

Alexandra, you have written a very good and reasoned response. Very well put. Samantha

"I would have liked to know why the daughter said what she said". I'll tell you what I think: because she's a bitter, self-centred a*****e. If she had a real problem she should have talked to her father in private instead of ruining everybody else's day. But she chose the ideal moment to cause the biggest harm and to start an argument between her father and his girlfriend. In my opinion, that girl is a manipulator who uses "grief" as a mask.

Exactly. There is no right or wrong time to start dating again after your spouse dies. If a person was ill for many years before dying, the other person may have already started grieving the end of their marriage before the person died. That's not to say they want their spouse to die, but the person they knew and loved was already gone long before their death and they have acceptance around that. It also depends on what the marriage was like. If a couple were were not happy and merely going through the motions for several years before one died, then there may even be an element of relief that they don't have to go through an expensive and painful divorce.

Well written. While I understand the daughter's grief, if that is what she is manifesting here, I also understand that she's old enough to be introspective and understand the reason she resents her father's girlfriend. And old enough to, at the very least, be polite and work though her feelings properly. Nineteen is still raw as a human being, but ultimately she knows better than to say something like that at a family dinner table. It's called growing up and realising the world doesn't revolve around YOUR feelings. Daughter also has to realise that she has managed to move on, and has college and friends to take her mind off her grief. Her father has only (presumably) his job and no other outlets for his grief. As to the college fund, I agree that the mother has also contributed to her college fund, so I don't think her portion, at least, should be withheld. Maybe he should also consider if withholding it would have been something his wife would have endorsed. Definitely it all needs to be discussed with the daughter though.

I love the way you put this. My thoughts are along the same line. If the daughter was 13, okay I could sort of understand - still rude. But she is 19 and should know how to use her words to voice what is wrong or going on.

I would have understood him potentially grounding her (if she lives at home) or banning her from their house (if she doesn't live there) until she apologizes, but not a nuke to her future like this.... She's undeniably in the wrong, of course, but cutting college out of her future is a step too far....

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You want quantity? It should have been when the daughter was more ready. At least for family functions. You can date someone without bringing them around the rest of the family. Seeming as she's a child that lost her mother at her launching point It's probably going to take her even more time than average to be able to see somebody in her mother's spot at Christmas or Thanksgiving. You should have waited a good 2 years before he started bringing women around his children for normal family functions let alone on Thanksgiving. And he shouldn't be having her at such critical family functions until he's married. And this is simply because his children are young still (19) and their mother died (vs divorce). My guess is her reaction was so visceral in part because he did the spacing more like in the case of divorce and not death.

Well, the father has no legal obligation to pay for her tuition, either. If she wants to be disrespectful to her father, then she must be aware of the consequences. May seem harsh, but when she finally steps foot into adulthood, other people are not going to be so lenient. She may be an "adult", but if she still relies on "daddy" to help her out, then she isn't adult enough to be independent of him and still needs to respect him. While extreme, I don't think he's the @sshole. Now him "moving on relatively quickly" is a different matter, but I believe in the parameters of this discussion, NTA.

If you think back to when you were 19, you would know it’s a waiting game. Once the kid realizes how expensive tuition is, she’ll apologize. Mark my words, this is a temporary situation. The kid will have her epiphany, realize she was wrong and cruel, apologize, and actually mean it—-and it will stick, because daddy has made sure she knows what’s at stake. It’s unfortunate but sometimes, when reasoning with someone who is grossly misbehaving fails, you have to use the nuclear option.

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I don't think she needs to be made aware, she 100% knows that's why she did it. She's just disgusted by her father replacing her mother super quickly, and clearly they haven't been able to talk about it (yes they've been told long ago --- wait, it's now 1y later, so... months after the accident, WTH!? --- but not talked). Daughter isn't an adult by far (see also: older daughter not acting out), if it's not a gambit to force her father to talk to her then he should anyway use it for that. I'd not consider adding new GF to first Thanksgiving 'after'!!! A kid's partner is fine (they're understood to be potentially temporary), but not a newcomer taking over the roles of a mother.

OG?