Bride Doesn’t Want To Force Androgynous Niece To Wear A Dress To Her Wedding, Starts Family Drama
While weddings are a celebration of love, there are many things to consider to make sure your guests have an absolute blast. Take bridesmaid dresses, for example. You want your girlfriends to look fabulous coming down the aisle but ensuring they feel just as good doing it is equally important.
Recently, a soon-to-be bride took to the “Am I The A-hole” community to ask people for advice after she found herself in a family drama with her fiancé’s brother and his wife. Redditor Extreme-Break-6638 decided to invite their teenage daughter to be one of the bridesmaids but her good intentions were quickly clouded by poor judgment from the girl’s parents.
You see, they’re less than satisfied with their daughter’s “tomboy” look. “It’ll be nice to see you dressed like a girl for once,” her mother said, striking a nerve for the bride. She stepped in to say her bridesmaids are welcome to rock any look as long as it goes with the wedding color. What followed turned into a bitter conflict that left the user unsure of how she handled the situation. Read on for the whole story and let us know what you think about it in the comment section below.
This woman got into an argument with her fiancé’s brother and his wife after she refused to force their “tomboy” daughter to wear a dress on her wedding day
Image credits: Unsplash (not the actual photo)
So she turned to the AITA community to ask whether she handled the situation correctly
Image credits: Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Extreme-Break-6638
Luckily, bridesmaid outfit etiquette has changed over the years. More and more women choose to let bridesmaids decide or at least get in on the action of planning their own attire. Modern brides want to embrace their girlfriends’ individuality and let them choose garments and accessories that speak to them and make them feel comfortable during the celebration.
According to Lauren Frankfort, a columnist for Martha Stewart magazine, there are several reasons why women let their bridal party choose their own dresses. “Not only does it take the stress of finding one flattering option off the bride’s plate, but it also allows a group of women with different bodies, style preferences, and budgets to choose a look they love.”
However, if you fear things might go completely out of control, Frankfort recommended setting some clear guidelines: “Make a Pinterest board of styles you love and send along some detailed guidelines. These should include the dress length, color, and fabric you’d prefer.”
While the author of this story decided that all of her bridesmaids should choose their outfits in one specific color, she still wanted them to pick a style they feel best in. After reading the post, many applauded the user’s efforts to make her niece feel comfortable at the wedding and said it is reassuring to know the 15-year-old girl is about to get a new cool aunt. However, the parents’ words really struck a chord for many members of the AITA community.
Dr. Julia Coffey, a sociology lecturer at the University of Newcastle, Australia, and author of Everyday Embodiment: Rethinking Youth Body Image, studies the effects of young people who frequently have their looks appraised by others. She aims to find out how they negotiate their identities and their surroundings to find ways of supporting their wellbeing.
For her book, she interviewed people aged 18-30 and noticed that those who often faced comments about how they looked when they were young revealed having long-lasting problems with their self-image. “Those who had the most difficult time with [body image concerns] referred back to childhood and felt that their bodies were constantly being commented on by parents and peers and everyone around them,” Dr. Coffey told The Sydney Morning Herald. “They felt they just couldn’t escape it. It was impossible to choose to feel good about their bodies when it was constantly being talked about.”
Needless to say, parents might have good intentions and want the best for their kids. But negative comments about appearance can affect children’s mental health and leave them with a negative mindset towards their bodies for a really long time.
“[Parents are] probably just not aware of how powerful those comments can be,” the lecturer added. “And I think that they might think it’s just a normal part of life. And that it isn’t a big deal. That women just care more about their bodies. It’s just part of this norm or narrative and can’t change. But that is completely wrong … It’s completely culturally constructed. But very real in terms of how it’s felt and experienced.”
Instead, people should encourage children and teens to direct their energy toward creativity, courage, kindness, and generosity, rather than pay so much attention to their looks. “It’s not like this cancel-culture type thing, where you’re not allowed to talk about [body image and beauty]. But be aware that if you talk about appearance all the time, you’re saying, ‘I think it’s very important and a source of value’,” Dr. Coffey concluded.
People were completely on the bride’s side, deciding she’s NTA — “Not The A-Hole”
What a darling woman. She's getting married and doesn't give a toss about what the girl should wear. I think that's kind and hope she doesn't fold.
You're absolutely right! And whether she's began dressing that way to deflect attention from boys or because she is still discovering who she wants to be, it's entirely her decision and should be supported, not made light of or her made to feel badly about it. It is fantastic that she will have another person in the family who will support her, as long as her diabolical mother doesn't ban her from having a relationship with her new aunt. I wish the best for OP and her niece to be, she certainly needs some kindness and reassurance during this time of her life.
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NTA.Many teen girls like wearing gender-neutral clothes. Some of them grow to like dresses, others don't, and there is nothing wrong with either scenario. And seriously, it's a good reason to become a bridezilla and insist that everything should be done exactly how you want it, if it's about your guests' comfort.
I’m 61 now, and was both a tomboy and a girly-girl as a child. I would climb trees, ride my bicycle on dirt tracks that the boys built on vacant lots, and do my fair share of fighting, then go home and play dress ups—-all my Halloween costumes were feminine, I especially liked historical costumes—-and also play with dolls and makeup. I was also part of a 6th grade protest by female students to break the dress code and be allowed to wear pants—-and we WON! Remember, it was 1971-1972, and that was a real accomplishment back then. Even as an adult, I have always been a mix of what were/are still considered gender norms, and never saw anything unusual about that.
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I had the worst conversation with my mom last night- she read this bs book called "Irreversable Damage" and was just going on and on about how I'm not really trans and I'm doing it for the attention etc. It hurts to not have support. I'm glad this kid does get support whether she's trans or not like everyone deserves to be who they feel most comfortable as.
Oh god, if my mom finds this book, she'll do the same bull. She already said that binding will give me breast cancer. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑
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The niece could be a tomboy or could be grappling with some more significant identity realizations. Both ways, the support and acceptance is an absolutely amazing thing, but if it's the second, the acceptance can literally be the difference between life and death (gender queer and trans individuals have extremely high suicide rates). Regardless, thank you for showing her that she is beautiful for however she chooses to present to the world.
your comment perfectly summarizes what I was thinking!! 💖💖💖💖💖
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Isn't anyone getting tired of the cookie cutter weddings by now? All the weird traditions and expenses are ridiculous. "You HAVE to have" and get a long list of very strange things that are expected because they are "traditional." I was Maid of Honor to my best friend. She finally ended up having to elope because her family AND the groom's were going bonkers with what they HAD to have at their wedding because of tradition.
When my husband and I got married we were having such a chill relaxed fun day. Simple but elegant sky blue dress, 50 dollars. Veil I made myself by hand. No bridesmaids. No groomsmen. No dress code. Just me and my husband. 35 guests. My dad to give me away. A family member did the photos. A nice lunch at a local restaurant with beautiful terrace behind the building. And in the evening dinner with family only. I was relaxed. My husband was relaxed. Guests were relaxed. The weather was nice. The cake was simple but tasty and low budget. No drama. No high costs. No debts. Just joy. A few days ago we attended this wedding of friends... Well, I never visited such a huge wedding event before. It must have costed thousands upon thousands. There was a dress code. It was huger than huge. And there was so much stress for both bride and groom and even we, just mere guests, had more stress to prepare for this wedding than we had for our own wedding. My husband and I are so happy we kept it small on our own wedding.
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It's possible the 15 year old "tomboy" is a not out nonbinary/ gender fluid or Trans person. This is not certain but the way they reacted makes me think that is possible (mom of gender fluid Trans person here). This may mean more than OP thinks. Or, it may just be a chance to not be an AH to someone and let them be themselves!
That's possible. Speaking as a straight cis woman, it's also possible they just hate dresses. So glad your kid has you as a mom, many of the gender fluid trans kids out there have it really rough.
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This is OP's wedding, no? She isn't as concerned about appearances as she is about the meaning o the ceremony & caring about the people involved. OP isn't molly coddling & breast feeding these judgemental people...oh dear😱 They'll continue ta interfere in other areas o this couple's lives if she caves. And she's teaching this 15yr old how ta be more confident as an individual. Well played OP, Well played.
The commenter who mentioned that dressing less femme at the age that sexual harassment starts broke my heart. I wore a lot of cute long dresses at age 10 but because a boy kept looking up my skirt, at 11 I was all jeans all the time. Luckily, my mum supported me in wearing what I wanted, and never made comments about it
The girl is 15, let her live her life her way and make her own choices. Let her be comfortable. Just let her be herself. I can't stand dictators, if somebody tries to control me, and my life, they got 20 foul mouthed words coming at them with 2 middle fingers. F**K that being a puppet on a string b******t, the bride/aunt in law is NOT the a*****e. The mother and grandmother aren't assholes either, they're bitches. Well, anyway, I hope the wedding turns out good and everyone enjoys themselves, especially the bride and groom, and this 15 year old girl 🤞🏻🤞🏻
no, they are assholes. bitches are good girls (for legal reasons, that was a dog pun.)
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I dunno why people care so much about others personal choices. If you want to wear a dress wear one, if you don’t then wear pants, but let people decide for themselves. Holy hell why is that so hard?
Exactly, its not like people are running around butt naked!!!
Load More Replies... As a nonbinary kid who's around the same age and has a similar situation with their mother, I think what OP did is amazing. I wish I had someone like this. 💖
As the mother of someone non binary I fervently wish the same e.f.p.
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Sweetest bride I have heard of in a loooong time! I was the same way as a teen and I wear dresses, now. They were just not practical for the type of activities I did when I was teen. I have a niece of the same age and of the same mindset. She's actually my husband's blood-niece and our family talks c**p to her the same way. I'm constantly sticking up for her over it and will continue to do so because I understand how it feels to be alone on something like that. My dad's side of the family embraced my style (mostly because I come from a ranching background & dresses were not ideal), but my mom's side had "ideas" on what was "proper" for a "lady" to wear. 🤦🏻♀️
What a great aunt. I hope she continues to be there for the teen. If the teen (deliberately not using pronouns) should come out as nonbinary or trans, they’ll need all the support they can get, possibly even a place to live because I don’t see the teen’s mom being accepting. Refusing to wear stereotypical gendered clothing can certainly be a sign that someone is genderqueer (or is beginning to understand that they are.) experience: I have a transgender son and know of many coming out experiences from the several support groups I am in.
My daughters wedding party had two “bridesmaids” that were gay and one was a close male friend so no one insisted on dresses but funny enough I have seen the awesome young man dressed like Marylyn Monroe once and he looked fabulous so he would have gladly worn a dress.
Remember when I was five or six and my aunt got married. I wasn’t a tomboy but I wanted to be a boy because they could do whatever they wanted and I wanted to wear pants. It was a tragedy because I also cut my hair very short. My grandma cried! Anyhow, I’m upset in all the pictures because I had to wear a dress.
@Ines Olabarria-Smith: Oh, I remember feeling that way. Back when we were growing up, boys did do whatever they wanted, and could be whatever they wanted. I teach young kids, and I love it when parents just let their kids be. I had one little girl several years back. who was obsessed with dinosaurs, her parents were completely okay with it. They need to just be who they are!
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I did the same for my wedding I just asked that what they wore followed the theme/colors (it was dr. Who theme and Tartis blue and rose gold) everyone had a blast because it was fun and they were comfortable with what they wore
You're not overruling her parents. It's YOUR wedding, not theirs. YOU get to decide.
You are certainly NTA, you are the cool future aunt. Personally, I would love to be in a formal dress, but I know that not everyone feels that way. It is very kind of you to allow your bridal party to decide what they want to wear as long as it matches the wedding colors. The mom is mad because she thought that this would be an opportunity to force her daughter to be more feminine and you are trying to be more accommodating to the girl's feelings. Stick to your guns and don't let the sister in law change your mind.
NTA. Please do not back down! I was a tomboy in my younger days and although I wore dresses here and there for “special” occasions, I hated wearing them. As I got in my teens, I never wore a dress, heck, I even wore pants & a nice shirt for my cousins wedding. I’m sure your niece will forever appreciate this gesture more. Your in laws will eventually get over it. But saying things like “dress more like a girl” constantly will hurt her more in the future because she’s not “allowed” to be herself.
My aunt grew up with five older brothers, two with mild Asperger's. She was a tomboy through and through. She never wore a dress, and this was in the '60's. She grew up accepted for who she was. She's nearly 60 now, and the only dress she's ever worn was her wedding dress. It was understated and simple. She looked absolutely beautiful. Then she took the dress off, and went back to real life. She and her husband are still happily married, and she wears jeans. But then, so does he.
Bride is doing great. Groom needs to step in and tell his own family to back off.
I remember going to a wedding about 25 years ago, the bride and a couple of her family who were talented dressmakers basically bought about 50 miles of the same fabric and told all the bridesmaids they could wear whatever they wanted made from that fabric. At least 2 of them chose trouser suits, including the flower girl (I guess about 12/13 at that point) who wore a little jumpsuit and looked freakin adorable
If ever there was a legitimate reason to go full on bridezilla, this is it! You are an amazing woman for recognizing your soon to be nieces distress and not only soothing it, but full on embracing it!! I dont know you, but I love you for that! Lol, we got married last Halloween.. we had a blast.. Darth Vader married my husband dressed as the Mandalorian and myself dressed as a dark Jedi and had an RC Grogu as our ring bearer operated by my nephew. You absolutely, unapologetically do you and be proud of it, ALWAYS!!
I am 43 , married, with 5 kids, I dress like a 10 year old boy. When did a dress make you a girl?
I would act depending on the abrasiveness of the MIL. Stand your ground if you can. If she’s completely unhinged - let MIL think she’s wearing a dress, and secretly plan an outfit that niece is comfortable in. MIL Will be pissed later but at least niece will get to wear the outfit she’s comfortable in.
NTA, but the Future Husband needs to step in. This BS of not wanting a fight between his sister and fiance on the wedding day can be easily avoided by the finance clearly stating, it's our wedding, our decisions, the end. I'm so over hearing about fiances that don't give a s**t so they end up not supporting their partner and that's no way to start a marriage.
Sounds like she is going to really need op. And they did say she is the only one.... So she is navigating sexuality and comfort, self worth, alone. She is going to really be happy to have someone to at least listen and care. She is lucky and she is going to if she doesn't already know it.
Lol "dress like a girl" gendered clothing is so stupid. People should just be allowed to dress in what's comfortable for them! Pretty much my only rule for my kids is that they dress weather-appropriate.
There is a lot of tomboys in my family. Never been a problem. Stand by your niece! Tomboys also need their space...
OMG I would nearly croak lmao if you went Bridezilla on that mom and told all bridesmaids (as an inside joke, just to get that side of the family's goat) to ALL wear suit/pant outfits and that dresses were ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN! I bet they would be entirely mortified, but the niece would just be laughing like crazy inside her head. I don't think I'd be able to hold in my laughter I'd have to leave. Now me personally, I'm a tomboy through and through. I'll go jump in the middle of a brawl and break that up real quick by putting everyone one on the ground while taking a few to the face in the process, or I'll go wrestle with the guys and come out laughing with a black eye. But I'm willing to wear a dress on special occasions just to please others cause I used to wear them when I was younger and they don't bother me.
Your wedding, your rules, and as little as possibe fashion rules always rings a bell with me I do like to hear. Seriously, I'll eventually show up at work dressed with no detail left behind, with the same purple for tie and hair, a solid, unmovable sidepart (... other than sidepart, I can't after 20 years with little to no attention, also fits my head shape pretty good), but ... but, on purpose, and also so over the top for an office job with little to no interaction with customers, ... Your wedding, your rules, and if you decide to not have rules, well, they can marry someone and set up their rules and see if their daughter shows up, can't they? I was at my parents' wedding.
My choice for "maid of honor" never wore dresses, so we changed the title to "maid at arms" and she got to wear a saber instead of a dress!
Okay, because someone said on another post that men shouldn't be using the onion ninjas euphemism, I'll say it: This was very moving and made me tear up. (though I can't be _positive_ there aren't any onion ninjas around, it's not like you'd see them)
Kudos to this bride, this is how we become more accepting and make changes, and hopefully make people think about how they may be hurting others by enforcing their own tastes and rules. This girl needs an ally like this bride/family-to-be. She's making a profound difference in the young woman's life with her kind decision. The most important thing for weddings is that they're about love and unions of two, and having a fun time. If I had a wedding I would do the same, especially if my bridesmaids were covering the cost of what they wear. Let them be comfortable and hopefully get something they will be able to, or want to, wear again. And if the mom will only buy a dress, if I were this bride, I'd do all I could to buy it her chosen outfit myself and take her shopping for it, just the two of us, so she would feel zero pressure and could choose what makes her feel great.
“Overruling her parents“? The girl is 15. She can and should be wearing what she wants at that age.
I had a pretty big wedding. I told my brides maids to wear whatever as long as it was royal blue. Some wore dresses, one wore a cute jump suit, and a couple wore nice pant suits. Everybody was comfortable, and looked beautiful. This teen is still trying to figure out who she is, let her do so. I'm glad she has someone like OP in her life now.
NTA! You are one of a kind. For defending your niece. It is hard enough that when we're teenagers we are going thru puberty. Plus, everything else. I really hope that you develop an awesome relationship with her. Apparently, you are the only one in her corner.
Definitely NTA. Thank God there is a sane person in the group or a few, you, your husband and your niece. It's incredibly sad what your niece's parents are doing by Rejecting their daughter. I hope she can escape and get away from them as soon as she's old enough. Their level of rude, unloving,inconsiderate and mean treatment that they have for their daughter is awful. You are awesome for not caving to the pressure.. My son committed suicide because he had a parent who rejected him. In depression it was more than he could handle. I hope your niece finds ongoing friendship and support with you and your husband, she needs it!
When my son got married recently, I was asked to be the officiant. I wore nice slacks, pretty sweater, and new shoes. I was comfortable and looked good in my slacks. Leave the kid alone. She's fine.
What a great woman! I asked my bridesmaids to wear black, if they already had something, even better. My MOH wore a black pants jumpsuit and my 2 other bridesmaids wore dresses and shoes that they already owned. My wedding was awesome and the pictures were beautiful because nobody was uncomfortable in their clothing.
Please, Please stick with the stands you took with the people who are trying to force that you girli nto a dress. She is just finding what she like and dislikes at that age. Yes it maybe only one day but it's a day she'll be comfortable and remember you stuck up for her. It sounds like she hasn't had that in her life. I been to weddings where the brides maids wore pants suits it was gorgeous.
That's how my wedding was as long as everyone I loved was there and comfortable I didn't care what they wore. My maid of honor was shown a color and I said go crazy with it and she did. I wore a gorgeous long sleeve formal wedding gown and my husband and his best man(my brother) wore zute suits because they liked the style.My best friend and maid of honors mom was my special guest of honor and she was amazing,the mom I always wished I had and she was used to seeing me in either jeans and tshirts of just strange outfits and I had a particular pair of boots that she always teased me about and said that she better not see them at the wedding.Everyone was in on the joke because under my gorgeous dress I had them on.After the ceremony finished I called her up for a toast grabbed my dress and pulled it up to show her the boots,we started laughing.We're all dressed up and literally rolling on the ground laughing.It was the best. Have fun on your wedding day. Don't make anyone uncomfortable.
Umm it's their wedding and it's up to them to decide how they want their wedding! If that means that their attendants can wear whatever they are comfortable in, so long as it is the right colour, then that's up to them NOT up to other members of the family. This young girl will love the support that she's getting from her new aunt.
NTA. YOUR wedding, YOUR wishes. You are not overruling the parents, the mother wants to overrule YOU by wanting you to let the bridesmaids wear dresses! Don't let her get to you brainwashing you like this.
In these times of hyper awareness due to information/media overload, it's hard to believe the parents didn't know exactly how their daughter would interpret their remarks. Kudos to bride for her informal request of just matching the wedding colors. She might also tell the girl's parents to butt out. Sometimes, despite all attempts to play nice, you and your SO have to recognize you are marrying each other, not the whole family. Adults understand this.
NTA. It's your wedding and you get to decide what the dress code will be for your bride's maids and maid of honor, not anyone else. I really don't know where some parents get off thinking they can dictate the wedding theme, wardrobe, or anything else. It's too bad you can't threaten to elope if she doesn't back down.
Definitely NTA, more like an angel of a person for standing up for basic human rights. As a kid and teenager I used to get the same remarks about dressing more feminine from my family, especially my mom and my grandma from her side, and I still don't feel all that comfortable in dresses though I love them visually and would like to wear them. Also that comment about starting to dress androgynous at an age when sexual harassment usually starts... yeah, definitely agree. Maybe I would've had other choices to make and probably would've grown up to be woman who feels comfortable no matter what she wear, instead of feeling almost naked when wearing a skirt or dress, if it weren't for guys pawing at me in public transport. So yeah, it might not be healthy psychologically speaking to carry such issues and limit myself, but it is what it is. People saying you are responsible for your own life as if it's oh so easy to do... donno what's with them.
Such great parents this girl has. (That was sarcasm) OP is doing the right thing. If the parents don't show because of it, then kudos. They don't need to be there with hateful hearts.
NTA Who gives a **** what she's wearing on your wedding day? Silly people with their silly expectations. Everyone needs to fit in a neat little box. Many girls start wearing boys clothes when they start getting boobs. It's more comfortable and you don't get so much weird attention for it. Or maybe she has an entirely different reason for it. I was a tomboy as well as a preteen. My brother's friends thought that he had a little brother instead of a sister. In later teens I started doing more girly things. Then I went back to more androgenous clothing, wearing a tie and shirt etc. Now I wear whatever I feel like that day. Bottom point is: who cares?
It's so fresh to see a young lady who doesn't turn into bridezilla. I'd say not to let relatives set rules for her life.
Wish I knew how it turned out. I would love to imagine the bridesmaids all looking great in their chosen outfits!
I love this bride! She gets it. She's more concerned with making the niece feel comfortable than the opinions of judgy, critical parents who need lessons on accepting and celebrating the uniqueness of their daughter. Nothing wrong with being a girly girl, but it doesn't work for everyone and that's okay! Unique people make our world far more interesting. I'm glad the niece has someone in her corner that encourages her to be herself in her own beautiful way.
The bride has done her part! She picked her colors, and set the dress code guide lines. Now it's up to the bridesmaids to dress in a way that suits them best while adhering to the brides wishes. At this point anyone trying to push their ideas on the bride is definitely the A-hole!
The bride is not only NTA, but is most likely going to end up being one of the only people in that family the niece will be able to tolerate in a few years. The mother and grandmother's are quite honestly not only TA but pieces of s**t. Family are the people that are meant to support you and be there for you....not berate you and try to change you into what they prefer. For her sake I hope she goes non contact with them. Soon. The bride will clearly have no issues filling the roles the others are supposed to be.
As long as the colors match and she's not naked, who cares? Kudos to the bride.
OP sounded brilliant even before the niece was even brought up- "I'd given all the bridesmaids the option to wear anything they want so long as it's wedding colour" So much more practical and the niece slots right into that. Definitely kudos to the bride for then sticking up her niece, who I now suspect will definitely have a favourite aunt/best friend
Very much NTA! It’s her wedding and her choice what her attendants wear, but that’ll be for only one day. What she’s doing for her niece will hopefully stick with the teen for a lifetime—not everyone is as judgmental as her parents, and it’s great for her to see that.
NTA! First, it is your wedding. Second, as mom to a trans daughter who is still figuring a lot of things out, fashion can be very awkward for her. I think it is lovely that you invited her to participate in your wedding and even better that you are giving her fashion options. Bravo!
NTA. I mean, it's your wedding. If you and your soon to be husband are okay with people wearing whatever they like, then it's not up to certain relatives to force that girl into a dress. I do not understand why relatives often even want to meddle with a day that isn't theirs. And at this point I can just say I'm so happy that my own family and family in-law are all such relaxed people, we had no drama on our wedding at all. We had no dress code. No bridesmaids. No groomsmen. Just 35 guests and a nice lunch with them after the ceremony and then still dinner with family alone. Small. Low budget. Intimate and super relaxed. Zero stress. That's what made it the best day of my life. As a kid I always thought I wanted a big wedding. Having married small and visited a huge fairytale super stressful expensive luxurious lavish wedding last weekend, I can truly say now lavish weddings are overrated and I can recommend keeping things simple. It creates better memories.
NTA because you are allowing them to wear whatever they want. You aren't forcing it, in either direction. But her parents are, because they're pressuring you to force her. If its that important to them, they should be pressuring her. And if they really do, she can always back out entirely.
It doesn't sound like the niece wants to ditch the wedding. It sounds like she is just uncomfortable wearing dresses since her day to day style is androgynous. The bride feels that :appropriate attire" is whatever the niece feels comfortable with, pants or dress. If the bride is okay with it, then everyone else should be too. People need to stop judging others on such superficial stuff.
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What a darling woman. She's getting married and doesn't give a toss about what the girl should wear. I think that's kind and hope she doesn't fold.
You're absolutely right! And whether she's began dressing that way to deflect attention from boys or because she is still discovering who she wants to be, it's entirely her decision and should be supported, not made light of or her made to feel badly about it. It is fantastic that she will have another person in the family who will support her, as long as her diabolical mother doesn't ban her from having a relationship with her new aunt. I wish the best for OP and her niece to be, she certainly needs some kindness and reassurance during this time of her life.
Load More Replies... NTA.Many teen girls like wearing gender-neutral clothes. Some of them grow to like dresses, others don't, and there is nothing wrong with either scenario. And seriously, it's a good reason to become a bridezilla and insist that everything should be done exactly how you want it, if it's about your guests' comfort.
I’m 61 now, and was both a tomboy and a girly-girl as a child. I would climb trees, ride my bicycle on dirt tracks that the boys built on vacant lots, and do my fair share of fighting, then go home and play dress ups—-all my Halloween costumes were feminine, I especially liked historical costumes—-and also play with dolls and makeup. I was also part of a 6th grade protest by female students to break the dress code and be allowed to wear pants—-and we WON! Remember, it was 1971-1972, and that was a real accomplishment back then. Even as an adult, I have always been a mix of what were/are still considered gender norms, and never saw anything unusual about that.
Load More Replies... I had the worst conversation with my mom last night- she read this bs book called "Irreversable Damage" and was just going on and on about how I'm not really trans and I'm doing it for the attention etc. It hurts to not have support. I'm glad this kid does get support whether she's trans or not like everyone deserves to be who they feel most comfortable as.
Oh god, if my mom finds this book, she'll do the same bull. She already said that binding will give me breast cancer. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑
Load More Replies... The niece could be a tomboy or could be grappling with some more significant identity realizations. Both ways, the support and acceptance is an absolutely amazing thing, but if it's the second, the acceptance can literally be the difference between life and death (gender queer and trans individuals have extremely high suicide rates). Regardless, thank you for showing her that she is beautiful for however she chooses to present to the world.
your comment perfectly summarizes what I was thinking!! 💖💖💖💖💖
Load More Replies... Isn't anyone getting tired of the cookie cutter weddings by now? All the weird traditions and expenses are ridiculous. "You HAVE to have" and get a long list of very strange things that are expected because they are "traditional." I was Maid of Honor to my best friend. She finally ended up having to elope because her family AND the groom's were going bonkers with what they HAD to have at their wedding because of tradition.
When my husband and I got married we were having such a chill relaxed fun day. Simple but elegant sky blue dress, 50 dollars. Veil I made myself by hand. No bridesmaids. No groomsmen. No dress code. Just me and my husband. 35 guests. My dad to give me away. A family member did the photos. A nice lunch at a local restaurant with beautiful terrace behind the building. And in the evening dinner with family only. I was relaxed. My husband was relaxed. Guests were relaxed. The weather was nice. The cake was simple but tasty and low budget. No drama. No high costs. No debts. Just joy. A few days ago we attended this wedding of friends... Well, I never visited such a huge wedding event before. It must have costed thousands upon thousands. There was a dress code. It was huger than huge. And there was so much stress for both bride and groom and even we, just mere guests, had more stress to prepare for this wedding than we had for our own wedding. My husband and I are so happy we kept it small on our own wedding.
Load More Replies... It's possible the 15 year old "tomboy" is a not out nonbinary/ gender fluid or Trans person. This is not certain but the way they reacted makes me think that is possible (mom of gender fluid Trans person here). This may mean more than OP thinks. Or, it may just be a chance to not be an AH to someone and let them be themselves!
That's possible. Speaking as a straight cis woman, it's also possible they just hate dresses. So glad your kid has you as a mom, many of the gender fluid trans kids out there have it really rough.
Load More Replies... This is OP's wedding, no? She isn't as concerned about appearances as she is about the meaning o the ceremony & caring about the people involved. OP isn't molly coddling & breast feeding these judgemental people...oh dear😱 They'll continue ta interfere in other areas o this couple's lives if she caves. And she's teaching this 15yr old how ta be more confident as an individual. Well played OP, Well played.
The commenter who mentioned that dressing less femme at the age that sexual harassment starts broke my heart. I wore a lot of cute long dresses at age 10 but because a boy kept looking up my skirt, at 11 I was all jeans all the time. Luckily, my mum supported me in wearing what I wanted, and never made comments about it
The girl is 15, let her live her life her way and make her own choices. Let her be comfortable. Just let her be herself. I can't stand dictators, if somebody tries to control me, and my life, they got 20 foul mouthed words coming at them with 2 middle fingers. F**K that being a puppet on a string b******t, the bride/aunt in law is NOT the a*****e. The mother and grandmother aren't assholes either, they're bitches. Well, anyway, I hope the wedding turns out good and everyone enjoys themselves, especially the bride and groom, and this 15 year old girl 🤞🏻🤞🏻
no, they are assholes. bitches are good girls (for legal reasons, that was a dog pun.)
Load More Replies... I dunno why people care so much about others personal choices. If you want to wear a dress wear one, if you don’t then wear pants, but let people decide for themselves. Holy hell why is that so hard?
Exactly, its not like people are running around butt naked!!!
Load More Replies... As a nonbinary kid who's around the same age and has a similar situation with their mother, I think what OP did is amazing. I wish I had someone like this. 💖
As the mother of someone non binary I fervently wish the same e.f.p.
Load More Replies... Sweetest bride I have heard of in a loooong time! I was the same way as a teen and I wear dresses, now. They were just not practical for the type of activities I did when I was teen. I have a niece of the same age and of the same mindset. She's actually my husband's blood-niece and our family talks c**p to her the same way. I'm constantly sticking up for her over it and will continue to do so because I understand how it feels to be alone on something like that. My dad's side of the family embraced my style (mostly because I come from a ranching background & dresses were not ideal), but my mom's side had "ideas" on what was "proper" for a "lady" to wear. 🤦🏻♀️
What a great aunt. I hope she continues to be there for the teen. If the teen (deliberately not using pronouns) should come out as nonbinary or trans, they’ll need all the support they can get, possibly even a place to live because I don’t see the teen’s mom being accepting. Refusing to wear stereotypical gendered clothing can certainly be a sign that someone is genderqueer (or is beginning to understand that they are.) experience: I have a transgender son and know of many coming out experiences from the several support groups I am in.
My daughters wedding party had two “bridesmaids” that were gay and one was a close male friend so no one insisted on dresses but funny enough I have seen the awesome young man dressed like Marylyn Monroe once and he looked fabulous so he would have gladly worn a dress.
Remember when I was five or six and my aunt got married. I wasn’t a tomboy but I wanted to be a boy because they could do whatever they wanted and I wanted to wear pants. It was a tragedy because I also cut my hair very short. My grandma cried! Anyhow, I’m upset in all the pictures because I had to wear a dress.
@Ines Olabarria-Smith: Oh, I remember feeling that way. Back when we were growing up, boys did do whatever they wanted, and could be whatever they wanted. I teach young kids, and I love it when parents just let their kids be. I had one little girl several years back. who was obsessed with dinosaurs, her parents were completely okay with it. They need to just be who they are!
Load More Replies... I did the same for my wedding I just asked that what they wore followed the theme/colors (it was dr. Who theme and Tartis blue and rose gold) everyone had a blast because it was fun and they were comfortable with what they wore
You're not overruling her parents. It's YOUR wedding, not theirs. YOU get to decide.
You are certainly NTA, you are the cool future aunt. Personally, I would love to be in a formal dress, but I know that not everyone feels that way. It is very kind of you to allow your bridal party to decide what they want to wear as long as it matches the wedding colors. The mom is mad because she thought that this would be an opportunity to force her daughter to be more feminine and you are trying to be more accommodating to the girl's feelings. Stick to your guns and don't let the sister in law change your mind.
NTA. Please do not back down! I was a tomboy in my younger days and although I wore dresses here and there for “special” occasions, I hated wearing them. As I got in my teens, I never wore a dress, heck, I even wore pants & a nice shirt for my cousins wedding. I’m sure your niece will forever appreciate this gesture more. Your in laws will eventually get over it. But saying things like “dress more like a girl” constantly will hurt her more in the future because she’s not “allowed” to be herself.
My aunt grew up with five older brothers, two with mild Asperger's. She was a tomboy through and through. She never wore a dress, and this was in the '60's. She grew up accepted for who she was. She's nearly 60 now, and the only dress she's ever worn was her wedding dress. It was understated and simple. She looked absolutely beautiful. Then she took the dress off, and went back to real life. She and her husband are still happily married, and she wears jeans. But then, so does he.
Bride is doing great. Groom needs to step in and tell his own family to back off.
I remember going to a wedding about 25 years ago, the bride and a couple of her family who were talented dressmakers basically bought about 50 miles of the same fabric and told all the bridesmaids they could wear whatever they wanted made from that fabric. At least 2 of them chose trouser suits, including the flower girl (I guess about 12/13 at that point) who wore a little jumpsuit and looked freakin adorable
If ever there was a legitimate reason to go full on bridezilla, this is it! You are an amazing woman for recognizing your soon to be nieces distress and not only soothing it, but full on embracing it!! I dont know you, but I love you for that! Lol, we got married last Halloween.. we had a blast.. Darth Vader married my husband dressed as the Mandalorian and myself dressed as a dark Jedi and had an RC Grogu as our ring bearer operated by my nephew. You absolutely, unapologetically do you and be proud of it, ALWAYS!!
I am 43 , married, with 5 kids, I dress like a 10 year old boy. When did a dress make you a girl?
I would act depending on the abrasiveness of the MIL. Stand your ground if you can. If she’s completely unhinged - let MIL think she’s wearing a dress, and secretly plan an outfit that niece is comfortable in. MIL Will be pissed later but at least niece will get to wear the outfit she’s comfortable in.
NTA, but the Future Husband needs to step in. This BS of not wanting a fight between his sister and fiance on the wedding day can be easily avoided by the finance clearly stating, it's our wedding, our decisions, the end. I'm so over hearing about fiances that don't give a s**t so they end up not supporting their partner and that's no way to start a marriage.
Sounds like she is going to really need op. And they did say she is the only one.... So she is navigating sexuality and comfort, self worth, alone. She is going to really be happy to have someone to at least listen and care. She is lucky and she is going to if she doesn't already know it.
Lol "dress like a girl" gendered clothing is so stupid. People should just be allowed to dress in what's comfortable for them! Pretty much my only rule for my kids is that they dress weather-appropriate.
There is a lot of tomboys in my family. Never been a problem. Stand by your niece! Tomboys also need their space...
OMG I would nearly croak lmao if you went Bridezilla on that mom and told all bridesmaids (as an inside joke, just to get that side of the family's goat) to ALL wear suit/pant outfits and that dresses were ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN! I bet they would be entirely mortified, but the niece would just be laughing like crazy inside her head. I don't think I'd be able to hold in my laughter I'd have to leave. Now me personally, I'm a tomboy through and through. I'll go jump in the middle of a brawl and break that up real quick by putting everyone one on the ground while taking a few to the face in the process, or I'll go wrestle with the guys and come out laughing with a black eye. But I'm willing to wear a dress on special occasions just to please others cause I used to wear them when I was younger and they don't bother me.
Your wedding, your rules, and as little as possibe fashion rules always rings a bell with me I do like to hear. Seriously, I'll eventually show up at work dressed with no detail left behind, with the same purple for tie and hair, a solid, unmovable sidepart (... other than sidepart, I can't after 20 years with little to no attention, also fits my head shape pretty good), but ... but, on purpose, and also so over the top for an office job with little to no interaction with customers, ... Your wedding, your rules, and if you decide to not have rules, well, they can marry someone and set up their rules and see if their daughter shows up, can't they? I was at my parents' wedding.
My choice for "maid of honor" never wore dresses, so we changed the title to "maid at arms" and she got to wear a saber instead of a dress!
Okay, because someone said on another post that men shouldn't be using the onion ninjas euphemism, I'll say it: This was very moving and made me tear up. (though I can't be _positive_ there aren't any onion ninjas around, it's not like you'd see them)
Kudos to this bride, this is how we become more accepting and make changes, and hopefully make people think about how they may be hurting others by enforcing their own tastes and rules. This girl needs an ally like this bride/family-to-be. She's making a profound difference in the young woman's life with her kind decision. The most important thing for weddings is that they're about love and unions of two, and having a fun time. If I had a wedding I would do the same, especially if my bridesmaids were covering the cost of what they wear. Let them be comfortable and hopefully get something they will be able to, or want to, wear again. And if the mom will only buy a dress, if I were this bride, I'd do all I could to buy it her chosen outfit myself and take her shopping for it, just the two of us, so she would feel zero pressure and could choose what makes her feel great.
“Overruling her parents“? The girl is 15. She can and should be wearing what she wants at that age.
I had a pretty big wedding. I told my brides maids to wear whatever as long as it was royal blue. Some wore dresses, one wore a cute jump suit, and a couple wore nice pant suits. Everybody was comfortable, and looked beautiful. This teen is still trying to figure out who she is, let her do so. I'm glad she has someone like OP in her life now.
NTA! You are one of a kind. For defending your niece. It is hard enough that when we're teenagers we are going thru puberty. Plus, everything else. I really hope that you develop an awesome relationship with her. Apparently, you are the only one in her corner.
Definitely NTA. Thank God there is a sane person in the group or a few, you, your husband and your niece. It's incredibly sad what your niece's parents are doing by Rejecting their daughter. I hope she can escape and get away from them as soon as she's old enough. Their level of rude, unloving,inconsiderate and mean treatment that they have for their daughter is awful. You are awesome for not caving to the pressure.. My son committed suicide because he had a parent who rejected him. In depression it was more than he could handle. I hope your niece finds ongoing friendship and support with you and your husband, she needs it!
When my son got married recently, I was asked to be the officiant. I wore nice slacks, pretty sweater, and new shoes. I was comfortable and looked good in my slacks. Leave the kid alone. She's fine.
What a great woman! I asked my bridesmaids to wear black, if they already had something, even better. My MOH wore a black pants jumpsuit and my 2 other bridesmaids wore dresses and shoes that they already owned. My wedding was awesome and the pictures were beautiful because nobody was uncomfortable in their clothing.
Please, Please stick with the stands you took with the people who are trying to force that you girli nto a dress. She is just finding what she like and dislikes at that age. Yes it maybe only one day but it's a day she'll be comfortable and remember you stuck up for her. It sounds like she hasn't had that in her life. I been to weddings where the brides maids wore pants suits it was gorgeous.
That's how my wedding was as long as everyone I loved was there and comfortable I didn't care what they wore. My maid of honor was shown a color and I said go crazy with it and she did. I wore a gorgeous long sleeve formal wedding gown and my husband and his best man(my brother) wore zute suits because they liked the style.My best friend and maid of honors mom was my special guest of honor and she was amazing,the mom I always wished I had and she was used to seeing me in either jeans and tshirts of just strange outfits and I had a particular pair of boots that she always teased me about and said that she better not see them at the wedding.Everyone was in on the joke because under my gorgeous dress I had them on.After the ceremony finished I called her up for a toast grabbed my dress and pulled it up to show her the boots,we started laughing.We're all dressed up and literally rolling on the ground laughing.It was the best. Have fun on your wedding day. Don't make anyone uncomfortable.
Umm it's their wedding and it's up to them to decide how they want their wedding! If that means that their attendants can wear whatever they are comfortable in, so long as it is the right colour, then that's up to them NOT up to other members of the family. This young girl will love the support that she's getting from her new aunt.
NTA. YOUR wedding, YOUR wishes. You are not overruling the parents, the mother wants to overrule YOU by wanting you to let the bridesmaids wear dresses! Don't let her get to you brainwashing you like this.
In these times of hyper awareness due to information/media overload, it's hard to believe the parents didn't know exactly how their daughter would interpret their remarks. Kudos to bride for her informal request of just matching the wedding colors. She might also tell the girl's parents to butt out. Sometimes, despite all attempts to play nice, you and your SO have to recognize you are marrying each other, not the whole family. Adults understand this.
NTA. It's your wedding and you get to decide what the dress code will be for your bride's maids and maid of honor, not anyone else. I really don't know where some parents get off thinking they can dictate the wedding theme, wardrobe, or anything else. It's too bad you can't threaten to elope if she doesn't back down.
Definitely NTA, more like an angel of a person for standing up for basic human rights. As a kid and teenager I used to get the same remarks about dressing more feminine from my family, especially my mom and my grandma from her side, and I still don't feel all that comfortable in dresses though I love them visually and would like to wear them. Also that comment about starting to dress androgynous at an age when sexual harassment usually starts... yeah, definitely agree. Maybe I would've had other choices to make and probably would've grown up to be woman who feels comfortable no matter what she wear, instead of feeling almost naked when wearing a skirt or dress, if it weren't for guys pawing at me in public transport. So yeah, it might not be healthy psychologically speaking to carry such issues and limit myself, but it is what it is. People saying you are responsible for your own life as if it's oh so easy to do... donno what's with them.
Such great parents this girl has. (That was sarcasm) OP is doing the right thing. If the parents don't show because of it, then kudos. They don't need to be there with hateful hearts.
NTA Who gives a **** what she's wearing on your wedding day? Silly people with their silly expectations. Everyone needs to fit in a neat little box. Many girls start wearing boys clothes when they start getting boobs. It's more comfortable and you don't get so much weird attention for it. Or maybe she has an entirely different reason for it. I was a tomboy as well as a preteen. My brother's friends thought that he had a little brother instead of a sister. In later teens I started doing more girly things. Then I went back to more androgenous clothing, wearing a tie and shirt etc. Now I wear whatever I feel like that day. Bottom point is: who cares?
It's so fresh to see a young lady who doesn't turn into bridezilla. I'd say not to let relatives set rules for her life.
Wish I knew how it turned out. I would love to imagine the bridesmaids all looking great in their chosen outfits!
I love this bride! She gets it. She's more concerned with making the niece feel comfortable than the opinions of judgy, critical parents who need lessons on accepting and celebrating the uniqueness of their daughter. Nothing wrong with being a girly girl, but it doesn't work for everyone and that's okay! Unique people make our world far more interesting. I'm glad the niece has someone in her corner that encourages her to be herself in her own beautiful way.
The bride has done her part! She picked her colors, and set the dress code guide lines. Now it's up to the bridesmaids to dress in a way that suits them best while adhering to the brides wishes. At this point anyone trying to push their ideas on the bride is definitely the A-hole!
The bride is not only NTA, but is most likely going to end up being one of the only people in that family the niece will be able to tolerate in a few years. The mother and grandmother's are quite honestly not only TA but pieces of s**t. Family are the people that are meant to support you and be there for you....not berate you and try to change you into what they prefer. For her sake I hope she goes non contact with them. Soon. The bride will clearly have no issues filling the roles the others are supposed to be.
As long as the colors match and she's not naked, who cares? Kudos to the bride.
OP sounded brilliant even before the niece was even brought up- "I'd given all the bridesmaids the option to wear anything they want so long as it's wedding colour" So much more practical and the niece slots right into that. Definitely kudos to the bride for then sticking up her niece, who I now suspect will definitely have a favourite aunt/best friend
Very much NTA! It’s her wedding and her choice what her attendants wear, but that’ll be for only one day. What she’s doing for her niece will hopefully stick with the teen for a lifetime—not everyone is as judgmental as her parents, and it’s great for her to see that.
NTA! First, it is your wedding. Second, as mom to a trans daughter who is still figuring a lot of things out, fashion can be very awkward for her. I think it is lovely that you invited her to participate in your wedding and even better that you are giving her fashion options. Bravo!
NTA. I mean, it's your wedding. If you and your soon to be husband are okay with people wearing whatever they like, then it's not up to certain relatives to force that girl into a dress. I do not understand why relatives often even want to meddle with a day that isn't theirs. And at this point I can just say I'm so happy that my own family and family in-law are all such relaxed people, we had no drama on our wedding at all. We had no dress code. No bridesmaids. No groomsmen. Just 35 guests and a nice lunch with them after the ceremony and then still dinner with family alone. Small. Low budget. Intimate and super relaxed. Zero stress. That's what made it the best day of my life. As a kid I always thought I wanted a big wedding. Having married small and visited a huge fairytale super stressful expensive luxurious lavish wedding last weekend, I can truly say now lavish weddings are overrated and I can recommend keeping things simple. It creates better memories.
NTA because you are allowing them to wear whatever they want. You aren't forcing it, in either direction. But her parents are, because they're pressuring you to force her. If its that important to them, they should be pressuring her. And if they really do, she can always back out entirely.
It doesn't sound like the niece wants to ditch the wedding. It sounds like she is just uncomfortable wearing dresses since her day to day style is androgynous. The bride feels that :appropriate attire" is whatever the niece feels comfortable with, pants or dress. If the bride is okay with it, then everyone else should be too. People need to stop judging others on such superficial stuff.
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