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The wedding day is one of the most important days in people’s lives. So it’s no surprise that they want everything to go smoothly; hence the months of preparation, arrangements, and worrying.
For this bride-to-be, one of the main wedding-related worries was the guestlist; and whether or not her cousin should be on it. Opening up to the ‘AITAH’ community, she shared that her disabled cousin consistently crosses physical boundaries, which makes her uncomfortable, and she doesn’t want to be on edge during her big day. Her family, however, believed that not inviting him would be unfair and cruel.
RELATED:
Most couples want their wedding day to be perfect
Image credits: freepic.diller / Freepik (not the actual photo)
This bride-to-be was worried that having her disabled cousin at her wedding would keep her on edge
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: JumpyThrowRA
Image credits: Polesie Toys / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Working on understanding boundaries is imperative for people with developmental disabilities
With approximately 317 million children and adolescents with health conditions that contribute to developmental disabilities globally, not to mention the number of adults living with such a disability, it’s safe to assume that the OP’s family is not the only one having to navigate situations similar to the one the redditor found herself in.
For people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, also known as IDDs, it might be difficult to draw the line between behavior that is considered “appropriate” and overstepping someone’s boundaries. However, sources suggest that it’s important to work with developmentally disabled people towards a better understanding of boundaries, not only for the sake of those around them, but also for their own well-being.
According to Community Mainstreaming (CMA), an organization that provides personalized services to help maximize the independence of people with intellectual and developmental disabilities in their homes and communities, it’s critical to teach them about social boundaries. The organization notes that lack of awareness regarding said boundaries can negatively impact their social skills, which in turn might lead to a decreased level of self esteem, social withdrawal, and feelings of alienation.
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba / Pexels (not the actual photo)
It’s important that people with developmental disabilities understand boundaries for the sake of both themselves and those around them
CMA suggests that role playing or acting out common scenarios and conversations can be a great way to introduce social boundaries to someone with an IDD. (Nowadays, there is even a game dedicated to exactly that.) The organization also emphasizes that when talking on the topic, it’s imperative to discuss boundaries regarding touching, pointing out that touching another person differs depending on who the person is. “For example, the way you would touch your best friend may be different than the way you would physically engage with a stranger,” CMA notes.
Moreover, it’s important to emphasize that physical contact is only appropriate when both of the involved people choose to be touched. Making sure your loved one with an IDD knows that can not only help avoid uncomfortable situations (like the ones the OP finds herself in when approached by her cousin), but also help ensure that they are aware of what is considered inappropriate when someone else approaches them, and that they can inform a trusted adult if they feel that something is wrong.
CMA notes that by teaching social and sexual boundaries to loved ones with IDD, people can help them be safe, healthy and respectful to others. Yet unfortunately, the OP didn’t feel safe around her cousin; and the last thing she wanted was to feel on edge during her big day. The majority of fellow netizens didn’t think that that made her a jerk.
The OP shared some more details in the comments
Many netizens didn’t think the bride-to-be was a jerk in the situation
Some people believed that everyone was to blame here, at least to some extent
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What do you think ?
lenka 1 year ago (edited)
NTA. A 2 year old can understand the basic premise of not touching people without their consent. If the cousin has the intellectual capacity of a 7 year old he should have been taught, in an age appropriate manner, that his behavior was inappropriate. This is a failing of his parents and your family for treating him like his disability instead of someone capable of learning and respecting others. And before I get called 'ablest', my cousin has an intellectual disability and is assessed as functioning not more than 10 years old. He was taught, patiently and consistently, to respect peoples boundaries. And he does. We respect him by treating him like any other family member capable of learning boundaries, and not like he is nothing more than his disability. If your family refuses to teach him personal boundaries then you should enforce your personal boundaries in whatever manner you consider appropriate.
Sue User 1 year ago
I woul argue not teaching the cousin boundaries is ableist. Everyone is acting like the cousin has no ability to be taught basic manners. He might be developmentally challeged but the that doesnt mean he cant learn at all.
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Skogsrået 1 year ago
NTA, her wedding and her rules but with this family there will be consequences. Cousins behaviour could have been handled long ago but seems they enable it instead. Just cause you are disabled doesn't mean you can't learn and change your behaviour but instead they encourage his bad behaviour.
Alexandra 1 year ago
So much this! When my husband was undergoing rehab after a car crash, we saw so many disabled people just taking out their frustrations and anger on their loved ones! It was horrible to watch. Almost 80% of the ward my husband was on (20 beds) were divorced after a year.
Load More Replies... kissmychakram 1 year ago
I'm fairly sure the last thing a bride wants on her wedding day is to be groped by anyone (other than, maybe, her groom). If this a thing that her cousin is almost certain to do then I completely understand her not wanting him there. The fact that he doesn't understand that what he is doing is wrong is also another good reason to exclude him since he likewise won't understand why people are getting cross with him (op mentions that he cried when yelled at). If she were excluding him for aesthetic reasons then she would definitely be TA, in this case however NTA. IMO, of course.
Kathryn Burnett 1 year ago
I honestly don't believe that he doesn't get it. I think he totally knows what he's doing and family has made it clear that's it's okay to do.
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arthbach 1 year ago
I'd go straight to my grandparents, and explain the problem. I'd want them on board. My next step would be to arrange a meeting with my aunt and uncle, and explain exactly why their son, my cousin, is not being invited to the wedding. It is totally reasonable not to want to be sexually assaulted on your wedding day. There would be no discussion. It would be 'This is our decision, and these are the reasons. That's it.'
Tyke 1 year ago
Go to the cousin and explain it clearly to him... he may finally get the message
Load More Replies...
Janissary35680 1 year ago (edited)
Elope and discretely let your grandparents know where to go.
Sue User 1 year ago
Thats what i was thinking. Small ceremony with grandparents.
Load More Replies...
XanthippeⓐWulf🇨🇦️️🇬🇧 1 year ago
(1/2) I admit that during my childhood, I had moments where my behavior was...shall we say, challenging (ASD). I'm always a huge advocate for making small concessions for those with developmental disabilities, but this is more than should be allowed. It's basically dismissing that this is sexual assault because he "doesn't know any better." OP does not & should not have to simply take it because he has "the mind of a child." What average child goes around purposefully groping women & being openly aggressive to their partners? I won't assume I know everything about this situation, but he will continue to do it as long as the rest of the family lets him. That's just how the brain works for a lot of us when you are neurodiverse. It locks on to things that are "pleasurable." Even to this day, I have somewhat of a *fetish* with voices. When I was a child, I used to follow random people if I liked the sound of their voice. Quite terrifying for my parents as one minute I'd be with them
XanthippeⓐWulf🇨🇦️️🇬🇧 1 year ago
(2/2) & then they next *poof* gone. My parents had to be very stern with me on why this was not appropriate behavior until it sunk in that it was unacceptable (and dangerous!) to follow strangers. The rest of the family needs to step in and work to curb this behavior, and if they are unwilling, that's on them. Wtf kind of family would let someone feel you up & form an unhealthy attachment to you, and expect you to be fine with it? They are playing a dangerous game, as one day they may find themselves in a situation when "Tom" sets his attention on someone else who ends up pressing charges.
Load More Replies... Angela C 1 year ago
If he's actually on the level of a 7 year old... Children that age are capable of learning right from wrong, what is and isn't inappropriate. They've enabled his behavior for far too long. Right from the jump they should have started explaining what is and is not appropriate to him. Also the fact that he's been so obsessed with her for years is a massive red flag. I have no doubt he'd try to sabotage the wedding somehow because she's "supposed" to marry him. Inclusion is a great thing, but when someone is a danger to others or themselves, regardless of disability or lack thereof, they should not be included in certain things.
Insomniac 1 year ago
The same man has been obsessed with me since I was 6. My family refused to keep him away from me because they didn't want to upset him. I didn't put my foot down till my late 30s that I was never going to go near him or speak to him again. Even now, if he sees me in public, he calls my name and tries to chase me. I will not feel safe until he is dead.
Load More Replies... Tyke 1 year ago
They say he has a mental age of 7... it's a no child wedding. So don't invite him. If they say that's not fair because he's an adult, then make it clear they are responsible for keeping him from the bride, or they all get kicked out. I get her anxiety, so I don't think this would work but him seeing her actually marry another man may get the message through to him... or he may have a full on meltdown which would also ruin the wedding. Also, kids younger than 7 know to stop when someone says no. I vote NTA.
Papa 1 year ago
I understand what you're saying about making other family members responsible for controlling his behavior during the wedding, but I didn't see anything in that story that makes me believe her family would take that responsibility seriously.
Load More Replies...
StumblingThroughLife 1 year ago (edited)
NTA 100%. Ignoring an older relative groping a child - and continuing on throughout, is reprehensible. The fact that it began after the OP developed breasts is telling - a 7-year-old wouldn't consider doing that. He might have the 7-year age-level in other ways, but he definitely has a more mature leaning when it comes to being attracted to girly bits. Both the parents and the cousin will suffer more than a refusal to the wedding if he did this to another child now he's physically older. If I was the OP, I wouldn't have him at my wedding - and would probably be traumatised by his inappropriate behaviour though my childhood/teens (maybe the OP is, to an extent). People who think she's an AH are insane. I blame her relatives for ENABLING (and blaming her) what was happening to her, his (younger) cousin. A friend I made in my fifties told me how she'd been r*ped when she was 11, by a local similarly mentally disabled bloke, and he was put into a psychiatric hospital (53 years ago) for a year, then let out - on the condition that he was accompanied when he left his (warden-controlled block of flats). It took her a long time to get over it. She was undeveloped at the time, btw. Do what makes the OP feel comfortable, and if she needs to, go NC with those failing relatives.
Insomniac 1 year ago
OP is certainly traumatized. She's partially in denial because her family has been invalidating her emotions for so many years, but as she "escapes" him through her marriage and is in a safe space away from him, the trauma is going to start manifesting. I hope that she gets help.
Load More Replies... Weasel Wise 1 year ago
A family member is sexually harassing and assaulting another family member, and everyone else is totally okay with it. Absolutely gross! 🤮
lenka 1 year ago (edited)
NTA. A 2 year old can understand the basic premise of not touching people without their consent. If the cousin has the intellectual capacity of a 7 year old he should have been taught, in an age appropriate manner, that his behavior was inappropriate. This is a failing of his parents and your family for treating him like his disability instead of someone capable of learning and respecting others. And before I get called 'ablest', my cousin has an intellectual disability and is assessed as functioning not more than 10 years old. He was taught, patiently and consistently, to respect peoples boundaries. And he does. We respect him by treating him like any other family member capable of learning boundaries, and not like he is nothing more than his disability. If your family refuses to teach him personal boundaries then you should enforce your personal boundaries in whatever manner you consider appropriate.
Sue User 1 year ago
I woul argue not teaching the cousin boundaries is ableist. Everyone is acting like the cousin has no ability to be taught basic manners. He might be developmentally challeged but the that doesnt mean he cant learn at all.
Load More Replies... Skogsrået 1 year ago
NTA, her wedding and her rules but with this family there will be consequences. Cousins behaviour could have been handled long ago but seems they enable it instead. Just cause you are disabled doesn't mean you can't learn and change your behaviour but instead they encourage his bad behaviour.
Alexandra 1 year ago
So much this! When my husband was undergoing rehab after a car crash, we saw so many disabled people just taking out their frustrations and anger on their loved ones! It was horrible to watch. Almost 80% of the ward my husband was on (20 beds) were divorced after a year.
Load More Replies... kissmychakram 1 year ago
I'm fairly sure the last thing a bride wants on her wedding day is to be groped by anyone (other than, maybe, her groom). If this a thing that her cousin is almost certain to do then I completely understand her not wanting him there. The fact that he doesn't understand that what he is doing is wrong is also another good reason to exclude him since he likewise won't understand why people are getting cross with him (op mentions that he cried when yelled at). If she were excluding him for aesthetic reasons then she would definitely be TA, in this case however NTA. IMO, of course.
Kathryn Burnett 1 year ago
I honestly don't believe that he doesn't get it. I think he totally knows what he's doing and family has made it clear that's it's okay to do.
Load More Replies... arthbach 1 year ago
I'd go straight to my grandparents, and explain the problem. I'd want them on board. My next step would be to arrange a meeting with my aunt and uncle, and explain exactly why their son, my cousin, is not being invited to the wedding. It is totally reasonable not to want to be sexually assaulted on your wedding day. There would be no discussion. It would be 'This is our decision, and these are the reasons. That's it.'
Tyke 1 year ago
Go to the cousin and explain it clearly to him... he may finally get the message
Load More Replies... Janissary35680 1 year ago (edited)
Elope and discretely let your grandparents know where to go.
Sue User 1 year ago
Thats what i was thinking. Small ceremony with grandparents.
Load More Replies... XanthippeⓐWulf🇨🇦️️🇬🇧 1 year ago
(1/2) I admit that during my childhood, I had moments where my behavior was...shall we say, challenging (ASD). I'm always a huge advocate for making small concessions for those with developmental disabilities, but this is more than should be allowed. It's basically dismissing that this is sexual assault because he "doesn't know any better." OP does not & should not have to simply take it because he has "the mind of a child." What average child goes around purposefully groping women & being openly aggressive to their partners? I won't assume I know everything about this situation, but he will continue to do it as long as the rest of the family lets him. That's just how the brain works for a lot of us when you are neurodiverse. It locks on to things that are "pleasurable." Even to this day, I have somewhat of a *fetish* with voices. When I was a child, I used to follow random people if I liked the sound of their voice. Quite terrifying for my parents as one minute I'd be with them
XanthippeⓐWulf🇨🇦️️🇬🇧 1 year ago
(2/2) & then they next *poof* gone. My parents had to be very stern with me on why this was not appropriate behavior until it sunk in that it was unacceptable (and dangerous!) to follow strangers. The rest of the family needs to step in and work to curb this behavior, and if they are unwilling, that's on them. Wtf kind of family would let someone feel you up & form an unhealthy attachment to you, and expect you to be fine with it? They are playing a dangerous game, as one day they may find themselves in a situation when "Tom" sets his attention on someone else who ends up pressing charges.
Load More Replies... Angela C 1 year ago
If he's actually on the level of a 7 year old... Children that age are capable of learning right from wrong, what is and isn't inappropriate. They've enabled his behavior for far too long. Right from the jump they should have started explaining what is and is not appropriate to him. Also the fact that he's been so obsessed with her for years is a massive red flag. I have no doubt he'd try to sabotage the wedding somehow because she's "supposed" to marry him. Inclusion is a great thing, but when someone is a danger to others or themselves, regardless of disability or lack thereof, they should not be included in certain things.
Insomniac 1 year ago
The same man has been obsessed with me since I was 6. My family refused to keep him away from me because they didn't want to upset him. I didn't put my foot down till my late 30s that I was never going to go near him or speak to him again. Even now, if he sees me in public, he calls my name and tries to chase me. I will not feel safe until he is dead.
Load More Replies... Tyke 1 year ago
They say he has a mental age of 7... it's a no child wedding. So don't invite him. If they say that's not fair because he's an adult, then make it clear they are responsible for keeping him from the bride, or they all get kicked out. I get her anxiety, so I don't think this would work but him seeing her actually marry another man may get the message through to him... or he may have a full on meltdown which would also ruin the wedding. Also, kids younger than 7 know to stop when someone says no. I vote NTA.
Papa 1 year ago
I understand what you're saying about making other family members responsible for controlling his behavior during the wedding, but I didn't see anything in that story that makes me believe her family would take that responsibility seriously.
Load More Replies... StumblingThroughLife 1 year ago (edited)
NTA 100%. Ignoring an older relative groping a child - and continuing on throughout, is reprehensible. The fact that it began after the OP developed breasts is telling - a 7-year-old wouldn't consider doing that. He might have the 7-year age-level in other ways, but he definitely has a more mature leaning when it comes to being attracted to girly bits. Both the parents and the cousin will suffer more than a refusal to the wedding if he did this to another child now he's physically older. If I was the OP, I wouldn't have him at my wedding - and would probably be traumatised by his inappropriate behaviour though my childhood/teens (maybe the OP is, to an extent). People who think she's an AH are insane. I blame her relatives for ENABLING (and blaming her) what was happening to her, his (younger) cousin. A friend I made in my fifties told me how she'd been r*ped when she was 11, by a local similarly mentally disabled bloke, and he was put into a psychiatric hospital (53 years ago) for a year, then let out - on the condition that he was accompanied when he left his (warden-controlled block of flats). It took her a long time to get over it. She was undeveloped at the time, btw. Do what makes the OP feel comfortable, and if she needs to, go NC with those failing relatives.
Insomniac 1 year ago
OP is certainly traumatized. She's partially in denial because her family has been invalidating her emotions for so many years, but as she "escapes" him through her marriage and is in a safe space away from him, the trauma is going to start manifesting. I hope that she gets help.
Load More Replies... Weasel Wise 1 year ago
A family member is sexually harassing and assaulting another family member, and everyone else is totally okay with it. Absolutely gross! 🤮
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