“AITA For Telling My Son’s Wife That His Ex Is In The Family And Has Been Here Longer Than She Has”
Sometimes a man’s mother might develop a very close relationship with her son’s girlfriend, considering her a second child long after the couple’s relationship is over and by doing so stepping into some grey area where it becomes difficult to distinguish whether she is not hurting her own son by doing so. At least this has been the discussion online after this Redditor shared her story of maintaining a relationship with her son’s ex-girlfriend and refusing to disinvite her from family events when asked by the man’s current wife because the ex is part of the family and “has been there longer”.
More info: Reddit
A son’s wife felt uncomfortable with his ex participating in all family events, while his parents saw no problem
Image credits: 𝔥𝔦𝔩𝔩𝔞𝔯𝔶 𝔭𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔩𝔱𝔞 (not the actual photo)
The man started dating his ex-girlfriend in high school, but the couple broke up when they were in college
Image credits: u/Tight-Negotiation432
Image credits: Helena Lopes (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/Tight-Negotiation432
The man’s parents continued to invite his ex to family events as they considered her family, while she saw them as her parental figures
Image credits: Milan Popovic (not the actual photo)
The man wasn’t happy about his parents including his ex-girlfriend in their family, but eventually let go of it
A woman brought it to Reddit when her son’s wife opened up to her about not being comfortable with her husband’s ex-girlfriend being invited to all the family events, and asked if she could disinvite her from family stuff – which, however, had a very long history and the man’s mother told his wife that her son’s ex is part of the family and “has been there longer.”
The woman explained that her son and his now ex-girlfriend dated while they were still in high school and split up when they were in college. However, the man’s parents continued to invite the young woman to their family events, because they considered her family, while she saw them as her parental figures.
Initially, the man wasn’t happy about his ex-girlfriend being part of the family, but eventually moved on. Nevertheless, the man was livid with his mother’s response to his wife, claiming she was choosing his ex-girlfriend over his wife.
Naturally, when it comes to human relationships, every situation is unique and the decisions should take into consideration the context with its specific details. However, certain guidelines and potential issues of family staying in touch with one’s ex-partner after a breakup were discussed by Everyday. They cited Ian Goldsmith, who explained that in such cases a person might end up feeling that their family is being disloyal.
Goldsmith noted that the longer the relationship, the more likely that partner will develop connections to the in-laws. And while it often occurs when there are children involved, there might be various other reasons; the psychologist listed getting close to one’s partner’s siblings, being employed in a family business, and not having a healthy relationship with one’s own parents.
The man’s current wife opened up to his mother about feeling uncomfortable with his ex attending family events
Image credits: Samantha Fernandes (not the actual photo)
The woman told her son’s wife that his ex is part of the family and has been longer than her, making her son livid
Goldsmith explained that even if family members are staying in touch with one’s ex for “good reasons”, it can still feel like a betrayal and there might be some awkwardness and frustration involved. Everyday recommended talking the issue through with one’s family members and setting boundaries that both sides can agree on, emphasizing the need for open communication.
April Masini for Elitedaily pointed out the importance on the side of ex-partner to make sure that one is staying friends with their partner’s family for the right reasons, that is, not trying in such a way to get back with their ex or get back at them, rather doing so after processing the breakup and because one genuinely wants to.
However, Masini added that if one’s ex doesn’t want them to stay friends with their family, it might be best to respect their wishes. Even after becoming close friends with an ex’s family, it often might be a good idea to prioritize the feelings of an ex and “back off”.
When it comes to this specific situation, Redditors were divided in their judgments: some, like user acegirl1985, were siding with the man’s parents and emphasizing that the man’s ex-girlfriend had terrible parents and therefore got unofficially adopted by the man’s parents.
Others were skeptical about parents adopting their child’s girlfriend. Reddit user NeedPanache commented that “It all sounds good until you realize that the son never bought into it. He doesn’t see the woman as his sister, he sees her as a usurper of his mother’s attention and affection. This is something the OP should have been thinking about a long time ago.” User DiscipleofPizza added a similar point, saying “no parent should ever adopt (formally or not) their kid’s boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s setting them up for major emotional issues.”
Finally, most Redditors sided with user Supreme Court Just[123], who voted no jerks here, noting that while parents shouldn’t be expected to disinvite the woman they accepted as their own child from a family event, it is natural for the son’s wife to feel upset.
Redditors shared their takes on the situation
You can have a relationship with Sabrina without inviting her to family events at the same time. The mom can still see her like a daughter and everything. That's fine. That doesn't mean invite her to everything. Even if that's been the habit for years now, things can change. OP needs to move on at least somewhat so that she has room in her heart for Sabrina.
Totally agreed, I can't imagine sitting with my partner and my ex at every family functions
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Difficult one this time. I understand that Sabrina is very important to OP and has basically taken her family as her own since hers is garbage (considering she even wants to walk the aisle with OPs husband instead of her father), so just kicking her away wouldn't be the right thing to do. However, I also understand that Bethany doesn't feel comfortable that her partners ex is always around.
I'd recommend them to sit together for once and talk out about this whole Ex thing and feelings, what Bethany worries about and what Sabrina thinks, also what OP and her son think, to release the tension. Maybe they'll find a solution together to handle family events without excluding anyone, maybe by making peace or by having the son and his wife or Sabrina over at different events/days.
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Don't worry, lady. My sister and I noticed that our mom always liked the men we dated better than us, too. Your son already knows his ex comes first for you. Enjoy your new family, because you're gonna see less and less of your throwaway son and his wife.
My mom took to a date I had, my dad's family let my mom know how inappropriate that was, she was very thick headed and 'skin' about the whole thing. Didn't bother her that they no longer respected her after that. As for my family? My dad thought the world of my husband and children, but to this young man? not so much. The son must know that the extended family might not agree with her either.
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You can have a relationship with Sabrina without inviting her to family events at the same time. The mom can still see her like a daughter and everything. That's fine. That doesn't mean invite her to everything. Even if that's been the habit for years now, things can change. OP needs to move on at least somewhat so that she has room in her heart for Sabrina.
Totally agreed, I can't imagine sitting with my partner and my ex at every family functions
Load More Replies... Difficult one this time. I understand that Sabrina is very important to OP and has basically taken her family as her own since hers is garbage (considering she even wants to walk the aisle with OPs husband instead of her father), so just kicking her away wouldn't be the right thing to do. However, I also understand that Bethany doesn't feel comfortable that her partners ex is always around.
I'd recommend them to sit together for once and talk out about this whole Ex thing and feelings, what Bethany worries about and what Sabrina thinks, also what OP and her son think, to release the tension. Maybe they'll find a solution together to handle family events without excluding anyone, maybe by making peace or by having the son and his wife or Sabrina over at different events/days.
Load More Replies... Don't worry, lady. My sister and I noticed that our mom always liked the men we dated better than us, too. Your son already knows his ex comes first for you. Enjoy your new family, because you're gonna see less and less of your throwaway son and his wife.
My mom took to a date I had, my dad's family let my mom know how inappropriate that was, she was very thick headed and 'skin' about the whole thing. Didn't bother her that they no longer respected her after that. As for my family? My dad thought the world of my husband and children, but to this young man? not so much. The son must know that the extended family might not agree with her either.
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