Man Wonders If He Went Too Far By Stopping Parental Duties After Wife Said He’s Not Her Kids’ Dad
Any man will say that being a decent dad, especially with teen kids during puberty, is far from an easy task. But to be a decent stepfather in the same conditions, you see, is much more difficult. Some men succeed without any problems, some try very hard, but it doesn’t work, and some don’t even want to try…
Well, here’s a story told a few days ago by the user u/RealisticPirate5663 on the AITA Reddit community, that has rightfully racked up over 14.2K upvotes and around 2.8K different comments. The opinions of the commenters are divided here, so it’s time to read everything on your own and try to draw a conclusion, isn’t it?
The author of the post lives with his wife and her 3 children from previous relationships
Image credits: Dmitriy Zub (not the actual photo)
According to the man himself, he does his best to be a decent dad
Image credits: u/RealisticPirate5663
Several weeks ago the guy found out that his 16 Y.O. stepdaughter took his car at night and perhaps got into some accident while driving
Image credits: Wolrider YURTSEVEN (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/RealisticPirate5663
The man demanded the teen be grounded from social media and get a job to fund the repairs
Image credits: Nick (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/RealisticPirate5663
The woman told him he has no right to punish her kids since ‘he’s not their dad’, so the author decided to ‘check out’ from all parental duties
So, the Original Poster (OP) says that he and his wife have been married for about four years. There are three children in the family, all from the wife’s previous relationships, and they all live in the OP’s house – simply because it is located in the better school district. The man honestly admits that they’ve had their ups and downs, but in general, family life was going quite well – until recently.
One fine day, the author of the post saw a large dent in the door of his car. At first, he thought it was some passing driver who did it, and decided to check the doorbell camera’s footage to try to figure out who might have done it. And what came to the OP’s outrage was when he saw that late at night, his 16 Y.O. stepdaughter sneaked out of the house, got into the car and drove away – and a few hours later she returned and stumbled home. There were no other incidents with the car during the whole night.
The man showed the video to his wife and demanded that the girl be grounded from social media and that she get a job to pay for repairs. In turn, the woman said that the children are simply stressed by the ‘new family dynamic’, and that she would simply talk to her daughter. As for car repairs, the wife suggested that the OP report it to the insurance as a hit and run.
Word for word – and a real marital quarrel broke out, and in the process, the woman told her husband that she would not allow him to punish her kids on the simple ground that “he is not their father.” The author of the post had had enough of it. He stated that in this case, he would generally refuse to perform any parental duties towards all of her kids.
No sooner said than done. No, of course, the original poster still made sure that all the kids were safe and fed, but nothing more. For example, last week, the kids had doctor’s appointments for their checkups – and the mom had to take the day off from work to take them there. What’s more, the new school year is about to start, and despite being the one who drove the kids to school in the past, the OP has stated this time that he’s not going to do it.
The author of the post claims that he is in no way ignoring the children – he communicates with them regularly. But at the same time, when, for example, his stepson offered to play basketball together, the original poster sarcastically sent him to his mom – just to ask permission. However, apparently, some remorse still tormented the guy – otherwise he would not have wondered how reasonable he was acting here…
Image credits: Maria Orlova (not the actual photo)
“Of course, I’m not an expert on possible insurance fraud and the legal consequences of an accident with a car, but drunk driving and covering it up is definitely a serious problem,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, with whom Bored Panda got in touch for a comment on this story. “Yes, and four years of marriage (and before that, there was probably some more time in a relationship) definitely cannot be called a “new dynamic” for the children. Especially since the hero of this story admits that he used to regularly perform his parental duties.”
“However, it cannot be said that he is doing the right thing one hundred percent. Yes, his wife and stepdaughter showed disrespect for him and his property – however, for example, the younger children have nothing to do with it, and they should not suffer because of conflict between their parents and older sister. In other words, transferring the negative of your relationship with the mother to her children is, to put it mildly, not very nice,” Irina supposes.
The opinions of commenters on the original post were also significantly divided, but the main stumbling block here was precisely the behavior of the author of the post himself. Yes, many people in the comments do believe that the younger kids are certainly not to blame for anything and should not suffer from their stepdad’s behavior. And the man should also pay more attention to the fact that his wife is actually enabling a criminal at home – after all, stealing the car and drunk driving are definitely crimes. “What else is she up to that you don’t know about?” one commenter asks some kind of a rhetorical question.
As for the wife and stepdaughter’s behavior, here almost all the people in the comments are unanimous – the teen stole a car, then, most likely, drove drunk and, possibly, caused some sort of accident – otherwise where would the vehicle got that dent? And the mom is not only not concerned about this, but is also trying to involve her husband in insurance fraud, while cameras around the city can most likely track his stepdaughter’s night route and identify exactly where the accident happened. Some commenters even call for the OP to demand an immediate divorce. “This woman has no moral compass. Lawyer up and cut your losses,” someone in the comments wrote.
Well, relationships with stepkids are often quite confusing and difficult. For example, the hero of this post of ours once gave his kid a lesson for mistreating his stepsister and didn’t let him attend his best friend’s birthday party, for which he took lots of heat from his wife. And in this particular story, a man, despite making little effort to mend bridges with his stepdaughter, later demanded that she let him lead her down the aisle at her own wedding. Be that as it may, we are looking forward to your comments on this tale, and of course, please feel free to tell your own in case you have something under your belt to say.
Commenters are divided over this case but urge the author to consider his further relationship with a woman treating him like this
This is crazy. What kind of mother thinks it's OK to do NOTHING while your 16 year old sneaks out and commits multiple major felonies? If she had been pulled over it would have been car theft and DUI at least. So stupid! You need to take Everything away from her for awhile! She is going to Blame and hate on the parents when she ruins her own life before turning 18 so this mother isn't doing herself or her daughter ANY favors now. Better her to be angry now and shape up then to think this is ok.
A mother who wants to be seen as her delinquent teens "friend" and not the bad guy strict parent. I'm sure she will spend the rest of her life covering up for and bailing out her precious drunken princess, at least until someone dies or gets severely hurt and there's nobody else to shift the blame to.
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The entire side of the car is damaged and the mother wants her husband to pretend someone hit the car whilst it was parked? What if someone was hurt by her daughter’s drunk driving? Does she think her husband should take the blame for that too? CCTV is everywhere now. She is deluded and completely irresponsible.
Exactly this! Waiting for the update when the cops show up to tell mommy that her precious princess killed someone that night and she begs hubby to take the blame so it doesn't ruin her angel's life.
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Wow, the dysfunction in all parties (save perhaps the son) is astounding. That should definitely put any marriage on the ropes. It would be really hard to not justify involving the police. I mean what or who did she actually hit?
Honestly this is the bit that gets me. How did they not sit down *together* and ask the daughter what happened. If the mother wanted the step-dad to just be quiet and let her take the lead in the discussion that would be fine. But he should be part of the discussion. Otherwise she's teaching the kids that step-dad has no power (authority/responsibility/however you want to phrase it) over them. The results of that discussion would affect the next step. If she was honest about it (she already isn't since she didn't confess) and it turned out to be something like a post or a tree then I wouldn't worry about police. But if it was another vehicle then yeah I'd be worried about cops showing up. Regardless of the damage though there needs to be repercussions for the unauthorised car use and more importantly the (possible) drunk driving.
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As is the daughter. On that basis alone I’m not feeling too optimistic about the other kids’ prospects. And it’s all the mother’s fault.
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I had a friend who was not allowed to parent his gf's daughter even though they had been together since the girl was 5 years old. He left the relationship of 16 years and had to sell the business they owned together.
Mom is setting a terrible example by asking op to report it to insurance. She's basically teaching her daughter to lie herself out of trouble and responsibility. The daughter needs to be held accountable and pay for damage. He can tell her he'll report the car was stolen and 16 yr old won't be able to get a drivers license until she's 18
i guess people ignore red flags all the time. this cant be the first marinara flag this lady has flown
Both of them are AHs. Obviously Mom is a shifty woman with a poor scene of parenting what is right and wrong. "Dad" is an AH for taking this out on the kids. He's their dad and then suddenly, cuz Mom is a twàt, he's just a nice enough guy they live with. They must be so heartbroken and confused. 😔. I like the idea of making Mom do Mom things if he isn't their dad (ie taking them to school) but that poor young boy, he clearly looks up to the man, and asked him his advice and Dad brushed him off. You don't have to be someone's dad to be a kind person to a child. My 17yo nephew calls me from his boarding school all the time and we just bs and I couldn't be happier that that young man wants me in his life.
Alternative take: He's their dad and then suddenly he’s not and cannot be a part of parenting; instead he is told to commit fraud in order to cover up multiple major felonies committed by the daughter. I don’t think he comes out of this looking like a champ, but he’s certainly not the person who comes out of this looking worst.
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Wow the mum needs to have. 1 a serious talk about drink driving. 2 the daughter should be made to pay for the damage. 3 the mum needs to show her daughter that you can't take other people's things without asking. 4 the daughter should be punished for the taking, drink driving and the damage
And the auto theft, drunk driving, and hit 'n' run are only the surface of the problems. The average kid doesn't steal cars and cause property damage while drunk.... that's a clear sign that this young lady has been through some shít.
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OP consider getting law enforcement involved. A drunken child was driving your car. If she hurt someone you could be legally liable.
The daughter needs to feel the consequences of her actions. She is young enough for that to make a positive impression but old enough to know she can't get away with that. It is a valuable life-lesson learned. She needs to apologize and pay for the repairs. That's real life, kiddo...
NTA to wife and kid. YTA to yourself for allowing them to use you. 1. Reporting to insurance is fraud and makes you a criminal. Unless you tell them the truth and name names. As someone else said it’s very likely there is another shoe out there to drop from whatever she hit 2. Not have parental authority is a problem - they will walk all over you 3. This isn’t even a parental authority issue. She stole your property, drove drunk in your vehicle, and damaged your property. Even if you had never met her, you would have a say. Give them what they want - don’t be a concerned father. Call the police and report it just as if some random teenager stole your car
I was going to say YTA until the update. The mom wanting to claim it as a hit and run to insurance is BS, and there would still b the deductible. I'm rethinking this now.
It seems like the daughter is likely doing other things to get attention. The mom sounds like she's tired abd checked out. She handled the situation poorly with her husband. He is the man doing day to day life with her. Thus he should be respected by everyone. Getting your car stolen by your teenage daughter is hard to handle but the mom needs to get a grip. Grab that girl by her collar and take her to the police station. She needs to be straighted out unless the whole family wants to be on scared straight. This family is going to need counseling separately and together if they want to make it.
Ok. Dad is being petty instead of actually being an adult. An adult would notice the underage drunk driving incident and report it. An adult would not take someone his wife said in the heat of an argument and use it to punish the kids. Consequences need to happen for sure for the daughter, but not "I'm not your dad anymore" consequences. She should face the natural consequences of her actions, which should include a police report and all that comes with it. Mom is an absolute disgusting person. I was prepared to be ticked at the "you're not their dad" comment, and I totally am, but Jesus, she wants to ignore what her daughter did like that?! F**k. Off. We're beyond me being angry that she's gonna use a childish argument in the heat of the moment, I'm absolutely flabbergasted that OP hasn't filed papers at this point. Mom's attitude is not just wrong, it's dangerous.
Let's ignore everything the daughter did wrong and commit insurance fraud then completely dismiss the husband as a parent in any aspect developed over years except those that are convenient for you. What a POS. OP is NTA at all, even if some of his resulting actions can be interepreted as petty.
Let's commit insurance fraud so I don't have to address the elephant in the room!
If you're a child and need to grow up, does that make the 16 year old a responsible adult.
I REALLY hope there's a pre-nup, because this isn't going to end well.
I know I'm very late to the party here, but I feel everyone is missing the overall point or question of this post. Do step-parents have the right to punish their step-children? I say yes. If the biological parent expects you to do half or a good portion of the work that goes into parenthood, then you have the right to draw boundaries, make rules and determine consequences when you are disrespected. Otherwise you're just a doormat and an unpaid babysitter. The children will never respect you or your things, money, relationship with their mother (or other parent).
Your wife wants to lie about what happened to your car. She sucks as a mother and wife.
ESH but it sounds like they shouldn't be a couple anymore. You don't play these sort of games and come back to a healthy relationship.
Stumbled out? So she was possibly under the influence and got into a car accident? That is very serious. I would demand far more than a talking to as well. Also, the poster does have a say in punishments when they are active in helping to raise the children. It is disrespectful to not take their views into consideration. Not saying that he would get the final say, but they could have compromised, have the daughter do additional chores around the house as payment, discuss the length of the grounding from social media, etc. If the mother thought the recommendations were too harsh they could have met in the middle. A talking to is a sever under reaction while a job to pay for the damages might have been an over reaction if it would interfere with school or something. There was wiggle room. You can't undermind your partner when parenting. You can disagree, you can discuss, and you can reach a reasonable compromise.
Contact the child’s father and talk to him about the incident. Tell wife you are taking the video to the police so the child can learn consequences or she can accept your consequences. Lay down the law now or it’s just going to get a lot worse as the other two grow. Don’t take your frustrations out on the kids. This is mom’s doing and she has to decide NOW if she wants to be dictator or part of a family with you.
ESH for sure. Maybe can't "punish" the 16 yearbold, but he should still have a conversation with her because she drove probably untoxicated, damaged his property and likely someone else's, and lied about it (by omission obviously). Big problems, and if the wife is going to enable this behavior, get out of there.
I’m going back to someone’s earlier comment that the daughter HIT something or someone. Mom wants him to fraudulently file a hit and run claim when, it’s entirely possible, that his vehicle is being sought in a hit and run. How would THAT be explained to insurance?!? Navigating step parenting is hard. But this shouldn’t be. As everyone else has pointed out - on top of committing her own hit-and-run of some kind, she stole a car (showing zero respect for stepdad), drove drunk, drank underage (a lot apparently), wrecked the car, then sneaks back in and says absolutely nothing. The implication is that 16 year old hasn’t been addressed about the situation (there’s no mention of an actual conversation taking place). So she’s learned that mom is a wuss who isn’t really her parent and will lie and cover up her daughter’s mistakes (BIG ones). Daughter has no accountability and no expectation to show respect to stepdad. That’ll be fun the next couple of years.
Some would call you petty, but I can see your point: wifey wants to have the cake and eat it too. This is a perfect case of what’s-yours-is-mine-but-what’s-mine-is-mine. This goes beyond the damage to your car, it has to do with attitude. Sorry, but in a balanced relationship you get privileges along with the responsibilities. Wifey wants all the authority and leave you with all the responsibility. No fair. Unfortunately, considering that she’s digging her feet in, you need a neutral arbiter, as in a marriage or family counsellor. She has to understand that you can't be a father to her children only when it suits her – especially when it comes to your property. You’re not only there to pay the bills and serve as a chauffeur. If she refuses to go, I don't see a bright future for this marriage, as this unbalance is likely to crop up in other areas. In the meantime, there are devices you can install on your steering wheel that will prevent kiddo from "borrowing" your car. Get one.
Stick a fork in this marriage, OP, it's done. Talk to a lawyer immediately about the car incident before the police come knocking on your door, follow council's advice, then separate. Mom needs a wake-up call as well.
While his approach is extremely gratifying, a successful relationship requires a deep conversation about expectations and responsibilities. If neither of you is willing to engage in a meaningful conversation about the parenting issues, I'm sorry to say that I don't have much hope for your relationship.
Nta, she said the cruelest thing she could think of to hurt you and end the argument. Best thing you could do is dump her.
One of the many reasons I won't date people with kids. I grew up in a mixed family and it was always a power struggle with "you can't punish MY kid", from both parents. No thanks.
Well consider the fact that he said she had 3 kids from "previous relationships". The Mother doesn't sound like the most responsible person. I'm a woman with 3 kids from the same husband, we divorced after 28 years and I wouldn't date until all my kids were out of the house. Wouldn't have been fair to a new guy to have to regulate my kids and it wouldn't be fair to have a man who isn't their father discipline them. Believe me I would have torn that 16 yr old a new A hole and made her pay for repairs plus.
Once you take on parenting duties you can't just dip out. That's not how it works. Don't take it on if you're not ready to do it for a lifetime. It's not a girlfriend or a pet or job that you can just quit because you don't like how it's going. However, the wife is insane for pulling this stuff and so is the daughter.
all the responsabilities, none of the authority. The perks of dating single mothers
He asks if he's a jerk... well, he did this to make a point. He will definitely be a jerk if he just continues on this path and makes this his reality rather than using this 2-week 'experiment' as a conversation starter with his wife.
ESH. Your wife didn’t punish your step daughter the way you wanted so you are pouting.
This is crazy. What kind of mother thinks it's OK to do NOTHING while your 16 year old sneaks out and commits multiple major felonies? If she had been pulled over it would have been car theft and DUI at least. So stupid! You need to take Everything away from her for awhile! She is going to Blame and hate on the parents when she ruins her own life before turning 18 so this mother isn't doing herself or her daughter ANY favors now. Better her to be angry now and shape up then to think this is ok.
A mother who wants to be seen as her delinquent teens "friend" and not the bad guy strict parent. I'm sure she will spend the rest of her life covering up for and bailing out her precious drunken princess, at least until someone dies or gets severely hurt and there's nobody else to shift the blame to.
Load More Replies... The entire side of the car is damaged and the mother wants her husband to pretend someone hit the car whilst it was parked? What if someone was hurt by her daughter’s drunk driving? Does she think her husband should take the blame for that too? CCTV is everywhere now. She is deluded and completely irresponsible.
Exactly this! Waiting for the update when the cops show up to tell mommy that her precious princess killed someone that night and she begs hubby to take the blame so it doesn't ruin her angel's life.
Load More Replies... Wow, the dysfunction in all parties (save perhaps the son) is astounding. That should definitely put any marriage on the ropes. It would be really hard to not justify involving the police. I mean what or who did she actually hit?
Honestly this is the bit that gets me. How did they not sit down *together* and ask the daughter what happened. If the mother wanted the step-dad to just be quiet and let her take the lead in the discussion that would be fine. But he should be part of the discussion. Otherwise she's teaching the kids that step-dad has no power (authority/responsibility/however you want to phrase it) over them. The results of that discussion would affect the next step. If she was honest about it (she already isn't since she didn't confess) and it turned out to be something like a post or a tree then I wouldn't worry about police. But if it was another vehicle then yeah I'd be worried about cops showing up. Regardless of the damage though there needs to be repercussions for the unauthorised car use and more importantly the (possible) drunk driving.
Load More Replies... As is the daughter. On that basis alone I’m not feeling too optimistic about the other kids’ prospects. And it’s all the mother’s fault.
Load More Replies... I had a friend who was not allowed to parent his gf's daughter even though they had been together since the girl was 5 years old. He left the relationship of 16 years and had to sell the business they owned together.
Mom is setting a terrible example by asking op to report it to insurance. She's basically teaching her daughter to lie herself out of trouble and responsibility. The daughter needs to be held accountable and pay for damage. He can tell her he'll report the car was stolen and 16 yr old won't be able to get a drivers license until she's 18
i guess people ignore red flags all the time. this cant be the first marinara flag this lady has flown
Both of them are AHs. Obviously Mom is a shifty woman with a poor scene of parenting what is right and wrong. "Dad" is an AH for taking this out on the kids. He's their dad and then suddenly, cuz Mom is a twàt, he's just a nice enough guy they live with. They must be so heartbroken and confused. 😔. I like the idea of making Mom do Mom things if he isn't their dad (ie taking them to school) but that poor young boy, he clearly looks up to the man, and asked him his advice and Dad brushed him off. You don't have to be someone's dad to be a kind person to a child. My 17yo nephew calls me from his boarding school all the time and we just bs and I couldn't be happier that that young man wants me in his life.
Alternative take: He's their dad and then suddenly he’s not and cannot be a part of parenting; instead he is told to commit fraud in order to cover up multiple major felonies committed by the daughter. I don’t think he comes out of this looking like a champ, but he’s certainly not the person who comes out of this looking worst.
Load More Replies... Wow the mum needs to have. 1 a serious talk about drink driving. 2 the daughter should be made to pay for the damage. 3 the mum needs to show her daughter that you can't take other people's things without asking. 4 the daughter should be punished for the taking, drink driving and the damage
And the auto theft, drunk driving, and hit 'n' run are only the surface of the problems. The average kid doesn't steal cars and cause property damage while drunk.... that's a clear sign that this young lady has been through some shít.
Load More Replies... OP consider getting law enforcement involved. A drunken child was driving your car. If she hurt someone you could be legally liable.
The daughter needs to feel the consequences of her actions. She is young enough for that to make a positive impression but old enough to know she can't get away with that. It is a valuable life-lesson learned. She needs to apologize and pay for the repairs. That's real life, kiddo...
NTA to wife and kid. YTA to yourself for allowing them to use you. 1. Reporting to insurance is fraud and makes you a criminal. Unless you tell them the truth and name names. As someone else said it’s very likely there is another shoe out there to drop from whatever she hit 2. Not have parental authority is a problem - they will walk all over you 3. This isn’t even a parental authority issue. She stole your property, drove drunk in your vehicle, and damaged your property. Even if you had never met her, you would have a say. Give them what they want - don’t be a concerned father. Call the police and report it just as if some random teenager stole your car
I was going to say YTA until the update. The mom wanting to claim it as a hit and run to insurance is BS, and there would still b the deductible. I'm rethinking this now.
It seems like the daughter is likely doing other things to get attention. The mom sounds like she's tired abd checked out. She handled the situation poorly with her husband. He is the man doing day to day life with her. Thus he should be respected by everyone. Getting your car stolen by your teenage daughter is hard to handle but the mom needs to get a grip. Grab that girl by her collar and take her to the police station. She needs to be straighted out unless the whole family wants to be on scared straight. This family is going to need counseling separately and together if they want to make it.
Ok. Dad is being petty instead of actually being an adult. An adult would notice the underage drunk driving incident and report it. An adult would not take someone his wife said in the heat of an argument and use it to punish the kids. Consequences need to happen for sure for the daughter, but not "I'm not your dad anymore" consequences. She should face the natural consequences of her actions, which should include a police report and all that comes with it. Mom is an absolute disgusting person. I was prepared to be ticked at the "you're not their dad" comment, and I totally am, but Jesus, she wants to ignore what her daughter did like that?! F**k. Off. We're beyond me being angry that she's gonna use a childish argument in the heat of the moment, I'm absolutely flabbergasted that OP hasn't filed papers at this point. Mom's attitude is not just wrong, it's dangerous.
Let's ignore everything the daughter did wrong and commit insurance fraud then completely dismiss the husband as a parent in any aspect developed over years except those that are convenient for you. What a POS. OP is NTA at all, even if some of his resulting actions can be interepreted as petty.
Let's commit insurance fraud so I don't have to address the elephant in the room!
If you're a child and need to grow up, does that make the 16 year old a responsible adult.
I REALLY hope there's a pre-nup, because this isn't going to end well.
I know I'm very late to the party here, but I feel everyone is missing the overall point or question of this post. Do step-parents have the right to punish their step-children? I say yes. If the biological parent expects you to do half or a good portion of the work that goes into parenthood, then you have the right to draw boundaries, make rules and determine consequences when you are disrespected. Otherwise you're just a doormat and an unpaid babysitter. The children will never respect you or your things, money, relationship with their mother (or other parent).
Your wife wants to lie about what happened to your car. She sucks as a mother and wife.
ESH but it sounds like they shouldn't be a couple anymore. You don't play these sort of games and come back to a healthy relationship.
Stumbled out? So she was possibly under the influence and got into a car accident? That is very serious. I would demand far more than a talking to as well. Also, the poster does have a say in punishments when they are active in helping to raise the children. It is disrespectful to not take their views into consideration. Not saying that he would get the final say, but they could have compromised, have the daughter do additional chores around the house as payment, discuss the length of the grounding from social media, etc. If the mother thought the recommendations were too harsh they could have met in the middle. A talking to is a sever under reaction while a job to pay for the damages might have been an over reaction if it would interfere with school or something. There was wiggle room. You can't undermind your partner when parenting. You can disagree, you can discuss, and you can reach a reasonable compromise.
Contact the child’s father and talk to him about the incident. Tell wife you are taking the video to the police so the child can learn consequences or she can accept your consequences. Lay down the law now or it’s just going to get a lot worse as the other two grow. Don’t take your frustrations out on the kids. This is mom’s doing and she has to decide NOW if she wants to be dictator or part of a family with you.
ESH for sure. Maybe can't "punish" the 16 yearbold, but he should still have a conversation with her because she drove probably untoxicated, damaged his property and likely someone else's, and lied about it (by omission obviously). Big problems, and if the wife is going to enable this behavior, get out of there.
I’m going back to someone’s earlier comment that the daughter HIT something or someone. Mom wants him to fraudulently file a hit and run claim when, it’s entirely possible, that his vehicle is being sought in a hit and run. How would THAT be explained to insurance?!? Navigating step parenting is hard. But this shouldn’t be. As everyone else has pointed out - on top of committing her own hit-and-run of some kind, she stole a car (showing zero respect for stepdad), drove drunk, drank underage (a lot apparently), wrecked the car, then sneaks back in and says absolutely nothing. The implication is that 16 year old hasn’t been addressed about the situation (there’s no mention of an actual conversation taking place). So she’s learned that mom is a wuss who isn’t really her parent and will lie and cover up her daughter’s mistakes (BIG ones). Daughter has no accountability and no expectation to show respect to stepdad. That’ll be fun the next couple of years.
Some would call you petty, but I can see your point: wifey wants to have the cake and eat it too. This is a perfect case of what’s-yours-is-mine-but-what’s-mine-is-mine. This goes beyond the damage to your car, it has to do with attitude. Sorry, but in a balanced relationship you get privileges along with the responsibilities. Wifey wants all the authority and leave you with all the responsibility. No fair. Unfortunately, considering that she’s digging her feet in, you need a neutral arbiter, as in a marriage or family counsellor. She has to understand that you can't be a father to her children only when it suits her – especially when it comes to your property. You’re not only there to pay the bills and serve as a chauffeur. If she refuses to go, I don't see a bright future for this marriage, as this unbalance is likely to crop up in other areas. In the meantime, there are devices you can install on your steering wheel that will prevent kiddo from "borrowing" your car. Get one.
Stick a fork in this marriage, OP, it's done. Talk to a lawyer immediately about the car incident before the police come knocking on your door, follow council's advice, then separate. Mom needs a wake-up call as well.
While his approach is extremely gratifying, a successful relationship requires a deep conversation about expectations and responsibilities. If neither of you is willing to engage in a meaningful conversation about the parenting issues, I'm sorry to say that I don't have much hope for your relationship.
Nta, she said the cruelest thing she could think of to hurt you and end the argument. Best thing you could do is dump her.
One of the many reasons I won't date people with kids. I grew up in a mixed family and it was always a power struggle with "you can't punish MY kid", from both parents. No thanks.
Well consider the fact that he said she had 3 kids from "previous relationships". The Mother doesn't sound like the most responsible person. I'm a woman with 3 kids from the same husband, we divorced after 28 years and I wouldn't date until all my kids were out of the house. Wouldn't have been fair to a new guy to have to regulate my kids and it wouldn't be fair to have a man who isn't their father discipline them. Believe me I would have torn that 16 yr old a new A hole and made her pay for repairs plus.
Once you take on parenting duties you can't just dip out. That's not how it works. Don't take it on if you're not ready to do it for a lifetime. It's not a girlfriend or a pet or job that you can just quit because you don't like how it's going. However, the wife is insane for pulling this stuff and so is the daughter.
all the responsabilities, none of the authority. The perks of dating single mothers
He asks if he's a jerk... well, he did this to make a point. He will definitely be a jerk if he just continues on this path and makes this his reality rather than using this 2-week 'experiment' as a conversation starter with his wife.
ESH. Your wife didn’t punish your step daughter the way you wanted so you are pouting.
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