20 Y.O. Decided To Go Back To College, Found Out That Her Parents Spent All 30K They Saved Up For Her Education To Remodel Their Kitchen
There’s this expectation that once you finish high school, you’re supposed to apply for a college or a university. Or in some cases, you might take a gap year to figure out what the heck you want from life, but eventually you’re supposed to go to get your higher education degree.
Well, with tuition prices not really getting any easier to overcome, and in a world where most think a degree isn’t all that important anymore because skills are king, you’d be surprised how many people still pursue college.
And that’s a good thing.
The not-so-good thing is the varying degrees of hurdles and challenges you need to overcome just to be in college. Like if your parents suddenly say that they no longer have a college fund for you. Why? Because you quit. But you never said you wouldn’t be coming back. Well, too late, the parents already blew it all away on a brand new kitchen.
More Info: Reddit
While it’s good that a lot of folks want to pursue a higher education, tuition often becomes the main problem in this journey
Image credits: Jeffrey (not the actual image)
A husband and a father of 2 recently turned to Reddit for some perspective on a conflict he had with his daughter. You see, the daughter is 20 years old and has taken a year off from college. She dropped out saying that it just wasn’t for her. Instead, she went to work at her boyfriend’s family restaurant.
So, the parents now had an extra 30,000 plus US dollars on their hands, originally to be used for the daughter’s tuition. And since she wasn’t going to college, hey, free money to be spent on other things, right?
Wrong.
And what makes it harder is when your parents decide to annul your college fund and reinvest all that money into… a kitchen
Image Credits: u/Particular-Bar9216
Image credits: Rafael Antonio (not the actual image)
The parents decided to go ahead and do some renovating in the kitchen. But then the daughter came back, having exhausted her work opportunities after her relationship did not work out well, and decided she could go back to college. Except there was no more college fund for that, leaving the daughter shocked.
In the parents’ defense, the dad claims they had a conversation with her about this very thing. The daughter did actually ask for access to her college fund, but it was a hard nope from the parents as it was to be used strictly for college. And if she were to leave college, the consequence of it was that she would lose it.
At that moment, the daughter thought it was a mere bluff. She still insisted her parents help her with the tuition fees, but between her brother, the already new kitchen, and the parents’ retirement fund, there wasn’t much money left for her any more.
The daughter was surprised that her college fund had been repurposed and a conflict ensued between her and the parents
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Image Credits: u/Particular-Bar9216
Image credits: Mario A.P. (not the actual image)
One attempt to convince her community college plus a job is a good alternative later, the daughter got upset, leading to the dad getting upset. The dad’s take on it is that she done goofed up and she was offered alternatives, and now she has to deal with it, whereas the daughter’s take seems to be that the parents should have kept the money for an occasion like this.
But unlike most stories that find themselves in the Am I The A-Hole community, folks were more polarized in their opinion on who really messed up in this situation. Folks were seemingly either siding with the parents, or with the daughter, but never defaulting to everyone being at fault.
On the one hand, folks blamed the parents for their lack of foresight as parents—she’s 20, relationships don’t last sometimes, and gap years are a thing. On the other hand, folks took into consideration the dad’s claim that they had communicated thoroughly about it, and she couldn’t have known what would happen.
And folks were torn about this: some sided with the parents, while others sided with the daughter and there seemed to be no in-between
None of this would have probably happened if not for the notoriously high cost of studying in the US. According to The Best Schools, a comprehensive resource to help students make informed and beneficial decisions regarding college and studies, it’s a long story why tuition fees are as high as they are.
The short version is increasing demand for education, decreasing state funding, growing cost of administration, logistics, and support of amenities, and increasing financial aid. What makes it worse is that there isn’t much that folks can do about these particular factors, but there are certainly some things that people can do.
Namely, government loans, scholarships, online studies, free education programs, studying abroad (preferably in a country with lesser or no tuition fees), and even small things like getting a part-time job and being responsible with your money can all work wonders in combination and moderation.
But, back to the topic at hand. The Reddit post got quite a bit of attention, garnering nearly 14,000 upvotes, 4,000 comments and making headlines on some online news outlets.
So, what are your thoughts on this? Do you agree with the parents and think the daughter now has to deal with the consequences of her own actions, or is it the daughter who had the right to take a break without the parents assimilating her study budget to fund a kitchen and then be protective of their retirement fund? Let us know in the comment section below!
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If I saved money for my daughter, then took it for myself, I'd feel like a thief.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. I agree, they saved money FOR her, then blew it once she decided on something else. EDIT: I am fully aware that parents are not obligated to pay their child's way, but for them to promise aid and then immediately retract that promise in petty revenge is deplorable behavior.
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At the same time though, they saved the money, so they can do what they want with it. Nobody is entitled to anybody else money.
Thry saved it for her specifically. And within a year of her not using it for what they ment they spent all of it. $30k is a lot to blow in a year.
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Hope you don't have kids then. They'll need stuff and you don't want to part with YOUR money.
As much as you love your kids, you do nothing for them if you coddle them as adults. This is why you have grown adults still living with their parents into their 30s. She made her decision they told her what would happen I think it's a great lesson learned, most kids don't have parents that can save for their education. She can work almost anywhere nowadays and have a company pay her tuition
Needs and wants are different. She previously chose to drop out tells me this isn't a need.
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I hope you stay childless, jerk. DO NOT hype a child's hopes making them think you're doing something nice for them just to yank the rug out from under them when the time comes. The kid could have used that time to save for tuition cost if known sooner this would happen. Use your head MAGA jerk
No, she chose to drop out and live with her boyfriend at the time. Yes, she had her head up her a**e but that is her bad. Once you leave your home with a significant other you made a financial decision. Parents are not suppose to support financially in that aspect. You have now entered the real world. She chose not to go to school. However, They shouldn’t have spent that much and set some aside for maybe her wedding or something but she made her choice. I am not going to fully support a child financially if she chooses to leave with a significant other. I am a mother of five and five are girls. They know that we want them to pursue their education, a career, and be financially ready before they leave home. Will always be there for them if they need help. But this girl messed up. Jackass move on her part and the parents blew too much but I don’t think they are the aholes.
There is no ENTITLEMENT to anything. Choices have consequences. She learned that
They saved money for her to go to college. She then said college "wasn't for her". If you're not going to college, the parents should be able to use it for whatever they want to. It's not just free money for her.
But I don't think they saved money for HER but HER education, wich she told she didn't want to. I wouldn't have given the money to my son to spend where ever if it was saved for education only. But i wouldn't spend it all to kitchen renovation either.
perhaps a brief discussion about a car, or savings for a future deposit on a house? Anything but spending it on myself without telling her.
It not like they spent it on a vacation, a home is an investment and asset, An upgraded kitchen adds value. And the home they renovated, or money from selling it may very well end up going to her in the form of inheritance. So saying they blew it is BS.
Exactly! My parents were poor and didn't save for me. My grandparents (dad's side) took on the role of being the people to invest in me. But when it came to education I paid my own way! Grandpa bought my 1st new car at age 16. I was already living with them full time then, was emancipated through my parents divorce and I set my grandmother as my legal guardian (which you still need for all legal purposes) I did trade school, and college after that. My grandparents kept me in housing and vehicle needs. They mortgaged their home 3 times over the years (that I remember) to update and remodel rooms and the outside and let me help with what it would look like with grandma. Now that they are gone, I know all those choices wasn't just to spend time with them. It was because they had always planned to leave it to me as mine (as it is now). I'd take that every time over my education. Some things need to be earned so you don't have entitled, ungrateful children.
Only useful if home is sold in next few years. In which case they will have the kitchen money back then to give to her. But most likely then kitchen is for them, which will add no value to anything, except maybe a house refi they might be able to do to pull $30k out of house....
It doesn't actually work like that. Most home improvements are not a dollar per dollar added value but even right after you complete them. Nice finishes may net you a slightly higher than average price per square foot if you sell, and they'll help the property sell faster. Buyers have more confidence in an updated home. However all upgrades should be done primarily for your enjoyment because you don't get added value. Your homes with is decided by the comparable homes within proximity of the house if your neighbor has a home that around the same size and sold at $300,000 you're not going to get $330,000 just because you updated the kitchen.
That's the problem with entitlement. Only thinking about $$ now. My grandparents left their home to me. I literally have the original bill of sale. $7,000.00 that's it! Today, IF I sold, that same home goes for 120,000.00. You know why? For one because prices aren't the same today as they were in 1960 when they bought it. Secondly, because they kept updating it and remodeling over the years. The value is in the updates, making it modern. However I'd never sell. It's now a generational home with memories to every update because they involved me in each one. Grandpa was a home builder, my walkin closet was built with his hands. Everything in my home has a memory for myself and my children. Any updates I make, I involve them. But even if I didn't, it's still for them and their future when I'm no longer here to help them. The value will go up by the time I'm gone, because that's just how life and things work. If you do it right, that is.
It's the parents money, she dropped out of school, they don't have to tell her anything about what the do with their own money
That's 1 thing if they spent it because they needed it or want to do something for their selves. But they spent it being spiteful because she moved in with her boyfriend. He stated they said if she leaves the house and go live with him they are spending the money. So basically if she would have stayed home and dropped out they would have never touched the money. Better spiteful parents
Yeah, my son is twelve and I plan on helping him out as much as I can with whatever he does, college or not. It's his life, he'll need to figure out how to live it. I'm just here to support him as well as I can. When he makes a mistake, which he will, I'm certainly not going to charge him 30K for it.
I know kitchen remodels can get very expensive quickly, but $30,000.00 seems excessive when you don't feel you will be financially sound come retirement. Seems to me these parents were just mad their daughter chose to follow her own path instead of the one they created for her and decided to punish her the only way they could. If I had saved the money for my child's education I wouldn't have given it to him/her for other purposes at 18, like the daughter requested, but would have continued to save it and if my child chose not to return to college would have helped him/her with buying a home or helped in some way that would make my child's life that much easier.
Sometimes the problem is making your child's life easier. You are not doing them any favors you are just creating useless adults. I know it doesn’t seem that way but struggling builds a person up. Making a decision and having to follow the consequences of that decision is important. If your parents decide not to believe you and keep that money cause they know that you will one day reconsider that mean’s they don’t take you seriously and your c**p decision now can all be erased because your parents just took that consequence away for you. What have you really taught your kid? Mama and papa will bail you out so you might as well throw Caution to the wind. Some decisions you don’t get to undue as casually as you made them. Now if she wants to go to college she can live at home and get a job. She’s not entitled to anything.
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That is a teaching method that tends to financially cripple people for long enough that they don't necessarily reach their potential. Bankruptcy can cost you opportunities decades after the fact, and not being able to finish your education for financial reasons when you are mature enough to actually commit to it just leaves you less able to better yourself later on in life.
I'm not sure how old you are but nowadays every company under the sun offers some sort of tuition assistance it's in no way shape or form as crippling as you're insinuating. You know what's far more crippling not teaching you're child to take care of themselves and letting them "Chase their dreams" that's how you waste 80k on a useless liberal arts or sociology degree.
I don't think you understand just how expensive early life (college, renting, etc.) Nowadays. Older American generations were living on easy street in comparison. I in particular had to pay $700/month to rent a room that was smaller than a singles dorm room and that I had to share with another person... and that had tons of cockroaches so you couldn't leave anything on the floor. I paid 700/month and that was considered cheap. Giving a kid 30k to help pay for college wouldn't even be making their life that easy. Without scholarships... 30k wouldn't even cover one year of college tuition at my old college. And that was the only college in my area offering a major in the field I was looking to break into so people in my major didn't really have much of a choice (unless of course you think poor people don't deserve to be educated... which is actually the mentality that has driven college to become so expensive. Neo-liberals suck!).
Anyway... slightly helping your kids isn't making their lives too "easy". It's basically just making it closer to as "easy" as it used to be when YOU were growing up. Housing is much more expensive than it was just 20 years ago when adjusted for inflation (and it wasn't very good either 20 years ago). College costs are more expensive than they were 20 years ago and WAY more expensive than they were 40 years ago thanks to the defunding of public institutions, the rise of private colleges, the rise of the textbook industry (seriously... there are textbooks now that cost like $1000... for one textbook!) and the introduction of for-profit colleges. People helping their children aren't creating "useless adults"... they're just making sure their kid doesn't fall too far down into homelessness. Also... you say you aren't looking for help in retirement now... but you may actually be surprised when retirememt does eventually come around. If things keep going like they are (corporate inflation)... the only people who will actually be able to retire are multimillionaires (like above $5 million in savings). The number of US citizens aged 75 and up who can't retire is expected to increase 96.5% over the next decade... and there are already a LOT of ppl 75+ who can't retire (in the tens of millions). I already know that I likely will never be able to retire with our current system due to declining wages (not only is everything MORE expensive than it used to be... but we're also getting paid less when adjusted for inflation) and that's true of practically everyone I know. Just... maybe rethink your hyper-individualist mindset is all I am saying. The cult of individualism got us into this hellhole where the majority of people are struggling just to put a roof over their heads while some rich billionaires have a pissing contests with launching rockets into space.
I dunno, I don’t really think it matters much to be honest. College isn’t what is used to be. I can’t tell you how many people I know that have a degree they dont use. She’s better off going to a trade school.
It's a massive decision for a 20 year old. She should have been given some grace based on her age alone.
Life is full of these massive decisions. At what age should they start to have consequences if not 20? 30? 40? By then its too late. People learn when they are young by making mistakes. And it’s not like she can’t still go to college. She absolutely still can, it just wont be as easy anymore. The lesson of the consequence is more valuable then people realize.
Seems like she has bad role models though since they spent 30k on kitchen and not consider their retirement nor her likely change of mind once she realized they were right but most 19 year olds coming out of a pandemic and being in love don't make the best whole life decisions when they're not properly informed and dad clearly stated it was for college ONLY if she wanted it and that's what she heard. College is not just one year, she probably wanted to try job way or take a gap year and that is totally normal but the dad or mom wanted to punish her for not obeying. Now, they regret bad choice too. They are concerned about retirement because they now realize they have severed their relationship with their potential future care giver and she won't have the means to support them if she is angry and not getting the education they all expected because they lost their minds over a kitchen and now the housing market is turning. They are short sighted too and lack awareness
Or work and get student loans. Keep a high GPA and apply for scholarships.
So she made the decision at 19 and clearly did NOT hear them say if you dont go to college in one fell swoop we will use the money in an imprudent fashion to punish you for not doing what we want. She heard them say it was for college ONLY so came back admitting that she was wrong and they said oops , but come live with us control freaks while you go to community school since we now see the error of spending 30k on a kitchen instead of putting it in 401k. Apple meet trees! I've been around narcissistic people long enough to see this dad has many red flags and holes in his story. He is too myopic to realize when they are old and need her help she will say oh remember that time...yeah I have to look out for my kids and 401k because you thought a kitchen was more important than a good relationship with me and made financially bad choices for you and me but blamed it on me only. It was either money for securing a her good future or it was Not. Actions speak loudest.
Since when do children ever come to their parents rescue in old age anyway in this day and age... My parent did nothing for his because they didn't give him enough consequences growing up chasing rock n roll pipe dreams. If I moved in with a boyfriend at 19 my grandparents already learned their lesson from their son and would have pulled their financial support. And I was well aware. Car and housing would have been gone. And I'm better for it. I came in and took care of them and guess who got everything when they passed, I did. They changed their wills. Not even I knew. Was a shock to all. But it's not why I helped them. I helped them because they gave me hard lessons to live by when my parents didn't and made me a better person for it... And because I loved them. If all a person can think of their parents is what can they give me $$... You don't deserve them.
So many parents has put money aside for kids college money the child never used because they decided not to go to college. But they do not use that money. Than I can't even feel that teaching her a lesson. My daughter decides to go against me and do as she please. When life hits her hard she's able to see o mommy was telling the truth. She grows up but I would never do something to take away from her all because she is still trying to figure out life. These parents here has controlling issues they told her if she leaves and go and live with boyfriend they are spending the money. They didn't spend it because she dropped out they spent it because she moved out against their wishes. It's one thing to spent it because she dropped out it's another to spend it because your mad she didn't do things your way. Letting your child try to find their way is a great thing. When they fail they see the harshness of it. All you are doing is supporting them if telling them we have your back. Spending
That money basically told her they are pee off because she didn't do what they wanted to be done. My daughter is the same way we she falls I catches her pick her up and let her know she has this. She doesn't make the same mistakes and love and respect me for it. She grows into beautiful young lady by the day. I am not making her suffer because she's trying to find her way. I don't tell my child it's mine way or the highway. 20 is not grown sorry hormones is still out of control. Being stress out at school like you have no clue what she was going through at school. My daughter became suicidal she loves school she loves to learn. It was so much stress and drama going on. She took time off wanted to give up but she decided to go back. She's more at peace now and knowing I will always have her back. Stop trying to make kids grow up so fast. Stop trying to control your kids with money that's selfish and nasty. Support parents that are not threatening their child.
If she would have stayed home for that year she still would have had her money. They only spent it to get back at her for leaving. It's in his words read it again.
So great that you think that. It will give you comfort in the nursing home that YOU can afford. You're not entitled to anything.
Im good. I don’t expect my kids to carry me when I get older. I will live off what I worked for when I was younger. My goal is not to burden my kid with having to take care of me when Im older just cause he feels guilty. That’s not why you have kids.
It’s called planning for your future and living with in your means. Not difficult. You bail this 20yr old adult out and she’ll have no chance of learning to provide for herself.
If only I had parents with your mentality growing up. I was told from a young age I was going to college and guess what? I nearly flunked out. It wasn’t for me. It took me a while, but I did finally graduate and I don’t even use my degree.
Not enough of the full situation is available, so I'll add some speculation. It sounds a bit like they didn't approve of the boyfriend, and may still resent that advice they gave her about staying in school was rejected. Or, perhaps they suggested some alternatives in what became an argument, and she responded with her statement about school not being right for her. Regardless of it being their money, with such a quick spending when their retirement isn't well set sounds immature on their part - might explain some of this family dynamic. Sounds like there is some "growing up" to do on both sides.
💯 exactly bigger picture POV. He is clearly a bad role model and lacks awareness to see it. Apple meet tree but she was 19 and came.out of pandemic and gap years are normal. He is at least 40 but probably more like 50s and blame shifting and making silly excuses for blowing through in about a year what was meant for a four to five year investment in her and their own futures, by virtue of her potentially being their caregiver one day, and now he regrets his childish punishment as the reality of downward housing market and her feelings of betrayal and hopelessness mix with his own anxiety about his retirement which might not have been so scary had he an ugly kitchen and a determined daughter going back to the better school. He literally sees he cut off his nose to spite his daughter for not obeying and the dynamic is she is as impulsive as her dad and mom but at 19 she has justifications. They refuse to admit what they clearly know...they're idiots, hypocrites and maybe screwed
$30,000 for a full kitchen remodel is about average, really. And depending on the size of the kitchen, it can go a lot higher. I'm getting quotes right now for a full kitchen remodel and all of them are coming in around $30,000, and I'm not even getting new appliances! Also, as parents, doing everything you can to make your kid's life easier isn't doing them any favors. All you get in the end are spoiled kids who think mom and dad will bail them out if anything, no matter what Choices have consequences and this daughter just learned a big lesson Finally, one of the biggest recommendations made by experts is to do big remodels like this kitchen BEFORE you retire so you can get it paid off while you're making more money. I, my kids, and their father all paid from r college with the GI Bill. Both boys are happy they did it this way, too, because they had a chance to grow up, mature, and figure out what they wanted in life before paying for expensive college tuition.
It's not like they took that money away from their retirement funds. They used the money the daughter basically said she had no use for. Tough sh*t for her.
How do u know what u would've done in a situation you've never been in b4? So much foresight.....
The problem is that everyone feels the parents should foot the bill for kids lives until they are 50 or some s**t. This is getting out of hand. They warned her and talked to her, she made her decision. They gave it a year and even protected the money from her. If they had given in and let her have it it would be gone anyways. They aren't assholes, they aren't omnipotent. 30k on a kitchen remodel is a drop in the bucket, especially if it's an old kitchen. It was their money to begin with so they can do what they want with it.
I agree that there's definitely a limit, but 20 is a far way off from 50, and going to college without help from parents is getting increasingly difficult, especially since kids are preoccupied with other schooling just before starting college which makes it hard to save up enough for college since you're pretty much limited to part time. She definitely made a bad decision, and shouldn't have assumed that her college fund was safe, but the parents should've been lenient, this is likely the hardest and most confusing part of her life so far
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The parents are not wrong but I would have waited for another year. I don't think a 20yo who makes this kind of decision (leaving uni, moving in with someone and working ) knows what they want. So NTA but wait a little longer.
I would have wanted until she was 25 at least and talked to her about it. There’s still a lot to learn about life at 19 and 20.
And yet people like me actually managed to put themselves through school, graduate and be working in a real job. Yes I did, at 19 i had a 4 year degree, paid for with student loans, no free money, no scholarships. At 18 she was an adult, being an adult has responsibility, she was old enough to know better.
25 is being grown. So stop treating your kids like babies. Myself and my siblings were expected to take our adulthood on at 18 and we were all better for it. Sure a college fund would have been nice, but I got my MGI Bill instead on my own. When I took my classes I never was flaky because it was at my expense. I had an adult focus on my adult life because it was my responsibility. Saving adults from their responsibility is not a good parenting move it you want to raise healthy adult individuals. They're not babies anymore.
I believe no matter what the age a person is, they still don't know what they want and sometimes even confuses it with their needs. But, at the age of 18 shouldn't they know the consequences of their own actions? If they don't, why make 18 years old the legal age? Base on the comments I've read so far, I see one common thing. They sided with the daughter because just like the daughter they never own up their mistakes and just conveniently blame anyone. Probably, it feels good to point fingers.
These are the same people living at home as leeches way past 18 without jobs or acting like actual adults. They want to claim to be adults without actually acting like one.
Yeah, Im under the impression the people saying shes too young are the ones who are relating to her situation. They don’t want responsibility and are most likely still living at home so they are advocating for themselves really.
This is essentially what I think too, the money shouldn't have been allowed to rot, but it also shouldn't have been used so fast
So, your parents don't touch their paychecks until you've gotten out of it what you wanted from it? The daughter was warned what her parents had planned I'd she dropped out and moved out and she "thought they were bluffing." Surprise! They'd already paid for a year of college and she didn't appreciate it. Why throw good money after bad? Also, she's not living with them and is an adult. Why should they go on financially supporting her and when should their financial support end?
Actions have consequences. When you are older you will understand this better. She's an adult and not just barely 18. At 20 I had put myself through college, gotten a 4 year degree ( not paid off) and was working a permanent career job. Sorry, can't have sympathy. My parents couldn't afford it, and she was so careless with it. Choices carry consequences. Adults are responsible for them, good and bad.
Sorry Freddy but you're completely wrong, going to college without assistance from parents has only been getting substantially easier. Nowadays every company offers some sort of tuition assistance. 10-15 years ago this wasn't the case. Today the best thing to do if you're not on a scholarship is to go work a good job, make money and learns skills while also getting them to pay for your tuition. No sending yourself or your parents into debt.
It’s not pampering or whatever if you have targeted that money specifically for your kids’ education. And 20 is an age where many young adults Have not yet found their place, get in bad relationships, etc. The parents should have given her at least a couple of years to reconsider.
I was in the military at 19, defending my country. Married at 20 and contributing to my own household. The idea 20 years olds are so young is baffling to me. You've been an adult for two years by then. You can vote. You're not a minor. If you can move in with a man and set up house you're a grown up. You don't get a reward for not listening to the wisdom of your parents. When people who love you try to warn you and you decide to do what you want to do instead you learn the hard way that your choices have consequences.
Only the immature ones. Funny how most other people at that age had the maturity... she's an adult, way past time she acted like it.
It's their money and she's already played house with someone and it didn't work. She decided she was grown enough to do so that, she can definitely manage to figure out how to get a job and with through college like other adults.
It's incredibly normal to take a year off of college. What she did wasn't a bad decision, it just didn't work out. It's not like she was out there doing drugs or something. She was working. If they pay for one kid's college, yes, they're pretty much obligated to pay for the other. She'll probably never really get over this.
I think if she said that she needed a year off to think about what she wants to do it would of been an entirely different outcome. She specifically said it wasn’t for her and dropped out.
It is not normal to drop out of college, move out and stay with your boyfriend, and just return home as if nothing happens.
They not obligated to do anything but raise her to 18 first of all. She was the oldest and they did pay for her. She chose to drop out, she didn't take a year off. "She'll never get over this" Somebody sounds entitled... I'm sure she'll be fine. The only thing she'll need to get over is her own decision. She should be grateful the opportunity existed in the first place most kids don't have parents that can afford to pay for their college
I'm sorry. But I disagree with the 'obligated to pay for the other' part. If one goes to college and uses the money for its intended purpose and she said she didn't want to do college and dropped out- and they warned her the money would be spent. And yes. She can get over it if she tries. Tons of employers pay for education. Military. Scholarships. Grants, loans. And there's something to be said for working as well. And they are offering to help in other ways, so they're still there for her. Her decision is just going to cost her a little more time and effort is all.
Being a father of 2 I strongly disagree. I save up for my kids to give them a headstart in life, whether it be for their college tuition, car or even decorating their first home. The money I'm saving up for them is theirs to keep (as long as they show me they are responsible and capable of managing their own life, which in my opinion the kid was.. it's just a gap year and had regrets. Comes back at it to find out they already blew her chance to set things straight). One isn't mentally mature until age 25 so they should've at least waited till she was 25 before blowing that amount of money (which I definitely wouldn't) for just a frigging kitchen. They come off as not being financially sound themselves, which makes it even more stupid to begin with, they blow their daughters safety net on their own selfish needs. To make matters worse are even irresponsible with that amount of money and set dumb priorities. I call parents like that selfish and hypocrites.
As a mother of one, I strongly disagree. I know it feels like you are showing your kids love when you do these things for them but what you are really doing is crippling them in life by not letting them do things for themselves. You also take value away from hard work and dedication to something. But you make yourself feel better, because you are taking the struggle away from your kid, the struggle is necessary.
20 years olds aren't even fully developed in the biological sense, it still makes sense to wait until the kid is actually a fully developed adult(around 23 to 25) before treating them entirely like a fully developed adult with little to no safety net.
Right so by that logic nobody should be charged with a crime before the age of 23-25 because their not fully developed... It makes sense to wait till their fully developed and see if they go stab or rape somebody again... You know when they're fully developed
DAN13LG -Development isn't a single linear path. Consider the fact that you have to be 21 to buy and consume alcohol, marijuana, and tobacco products because we know that parts of the brain are still developing and those substances can have significant negative impacts on the brain, and you are at a greater risk for addiction. You can't rent a car until 21 in most states and if you're under 25 you might pay an extra fee, and insurance rates are often higher until 25, because people under 25 get in significantly more car accidents because of the part of the brain that helps control impulsivity and risky behavior. Unless you can show significant proof of independent income, you can't get a credit card by yourself until 21 because the part of the brain that can calculate the long-term consequences of something like credit card debt isn't fully developed and when combined with the impulsivity, banks and the government know it's a bad decision. (1/3)
(2/3) - You are taking things to the extreme with your example. Again development isn't linear and different parts of the brain which are in charge of different decision making processes develop at different rates. Ask a 5-year-old if it's okay to hit their friend when they are angry, chances are they will say no, but we do not expect them to be perfect at not hitting their friend when they are angry and know they will probably make a mistake and we provide some consequences and reteach, knowing that eventually they will be able to better manage their feelings as they get older. We let 16-year-olds drive, but we don't let them have friends in their car while driving for the first 6mo because while they are still learning the can't manage the distractions. Again, car insurance rates are higher because the rate of fender benders are higher - levels of development: teens and young adults are more likely to have a higher rate of minor accidents, not necessarily serious accidents.
(3/3) - Even if you think about things from a pure experience perspective it still makes sense for the parents to wait a bit. For example, when training to be a pilot, first you have a teacher that you fly with, then once they feel confident you can be safe on your own, they sign you off to solo. Then you fly solo to practice maneuvers and get more comfortable. Then you test and get your private pilot license. Congratulations, you can now have passengers, HOWEVER you cannot get paid to fly people. This is because we know that the allure of making money can cloud people's judgement and you might make a decision to fly under conditions you normally wouldn't, and you don't have enough experience to handle those marginal flight conditions. Once you have flown a certain amount of hours and done additional training with an instructor, you can test for your commercial, and that allows you to fly for hire. Development isn't linear, you need to gain experience, but you also need scaffolding.
Is it safe to say that we can use this statement when an 18 year old killed someone?
If they could they would in court but they don’t. Guess the legal system draws the line at 18. Entitled crowd at 50.
In the United States she can't apply for financial aid on her own until she's 23. So while I agree that it's their money do with as they choose, I think there's a fundamental lack of understanding as to how big an impact this will have on her and her future. It isn't like they want her to work through school to have her value it more and plan to pay for her bachelor's after she transfers, it was straight up if you don't do what we want the offer is off the table forever. So, while they had a right to do what they did, it would sit better with me if I felt more like they understood how big of a thing it truly was, and that their daughter could have benefited more from their concern and teaching than from their withdrawal from the situation entirely. This feels petty, and a bit like they were happy to have an excuse to take the money back.
Why are you under the impression she can’t go to school if her parents don't pay for it?
In United States, you can find a job at the age of 18, you can get behind bars at the age of 18, you can have sex at the age of 18, you can party all night at the age of 18, you can have a family at the age of 18, and many more. So how come having a foresight is something an 18 year old cannot have?
What the hell are you talking about? There is no minimum wage to apply for financial aid. Also she can simply go work for any of the thousands of companies that offer tuition assistance
DAN13LG - yes, you can work for a company that provides tuition assistance, but they often limit where you can go and sometimes even what degrees they will pay for. You are correct that there is no minimum age to apply for fin aid, but until you are 23, you are considered a dependent and have to report your parent's income and so that can significantly impact how much aid you qualify for. https://studentaid.gov/help-center/answers/article/independent-student
Wrong. My Daughter started for her Masters at the age of 19. She was considered independent student then and had to apply for her own student aid.
You are patently wrong. At the age of 18, in the United States, a person can apply for school loans.
This is simply false! She absolutely can apply for financial aid, and she can work part time.
They didn't give it a year, the money was completely gone when the daughter approached him one year later. Wait list for construction nowadays is long too so they must have jumped on that very shortly after she quit college, maybe even the same month... Also 30K wouldn't have paid for more than like one year at State School, so with the fund that size the child should be doing community college or trade school anyway.
Anyone who spends 30k on a kitchen remodel is an a*****e. Thats not a drop in the bucket, seems like youd have to tear apart half your house and buy a shitload of expensive apliances that dont work any better then reasonably priced ones to spend 30k. I bet they even got a fridge that shows you the food so you dont have to open it.
What a bitter person you are. And woefully uninformed. 30k for a kitchen remodel is nothing! Kitchen remodels are mucho expensive and had they said anything less than 25k I wouldn't have believed they were doing a full remodel.
If I saved money for my daughter, then took it for myself, I'd feel like a thief.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. I agree, they saved money FOR her, then blew it once she decided on something else. EDIT: I am fully aware that parents are not obligated to pay their child's way, but for them to promise aid and then immediately retract that promise in petty revenge is deplorable behavior.
Load More Replies... At the same time though, they saved the money, so they can do what they want with it. Nobody is entitled to anybody else money.
Thry saved it for her specifically. And within a year of her not using it for what they ment they spent all of it. $30k is a lot to blow in a year.
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Hope you don't have kids then. They'll need stuff and you don't want to part with YOUR money.
As much as you love your kids, you do nothing for them if you coddle them as adults. This is why you have grown adults still living with their parents into their 30s. She made her decision they told her what would happen I think it's a great lesson learned, most kids don't have parents that can save for their education. She can work almost anywhere nowadays and have a company pay her tuition
Needs and wants are different. She previously chose to drop out tells me this isn't a need.
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I hope you stay childless, jerk. DO NOT hype a child's hopes making them think you're doing something nice for them just to yank the rug out from under them when the time comes. The kid could have used that time to save for tuition cost if known sooner this would happen. Use your head MAGA jerk
No, she chose to drop out and live with her boyfriend at the time. Yes, she had her head up her a**e but that is her bad. Once you leave your home with a significant other you made a financial decision. Parents are not suppose to support financially in that aspect. You have now entered the real world. She chose not to go to school. However, They shouldn’t have spent that much and set some aside for maybe her wedding or something but she made her choice. I am not going to fully support a child financially if she chooses to leave with a significant other. I am a mother of five and five are girls. They know that we want them to pursue their education, a career, and be financially ready before they leave home. Will always be there for them if they need help. But this girl messed up. Jackass move on her part and the parents blew too much but I don’t think they are the aholes.
There is no ENTITLEMENT to anything. Choices have consequences. She learned that
They saved money for her to go to college. She then said college "wasn't for her". If you're not going to college, the parents should be able to use it for whatever they want to. It's not just free money for her.
But I don't think they saved money for HER but HER education, wich she told she didn't want to. I wouldn't have given the money to my son to spend where ever if it was saved for education only. But i wouldn't spend it all to kitchen renovation either.
perhaps a brief discussion about a car, or savings for a future deposit on a house? Anything but spending it on myself without telling her.
It not like they spent it on a vacation, a home is an investment and asset, An upgraded kitchen adds value. And the home they renovated, or money from selling it may very well end up going to her in the form of inheritance. So saying they blew it is BS.
Exactly! My parents were poor and didn't save for me. My grandparents (dad's side) took on the role of being the people to invest in me. But when it came to education I paid my own way! Grandpa bought my 1st new car at age 16. I was already living with them full time then, was emancipated through my parents divorce and I set my grandmother as my legal guardian (which you still need for all legal purposes) I did trade school, and college after that. My grandparents kept me in housing and vehicle needs. They mortgaged their home 3 times over the years (that I remember) to update and remodel rooms and the outside and let me help with what it would look like with grandma. Now that they are gone, I know all those choices wasn't just to spend time with them. It was because they had always planned to leave it to me as mine (as it is now). I'd take that every time over my education. Some things need to be earned so you don't have entitled, ungrateful children.
Only useful if home is sold in next few years. In which case they will have the kitchen money back then to give to her. But most likely then kitchen is for them, which will add no value to anything, except maybe a house refi they might be able to do to pull $30k out of house....
It doesn't actually work like that. Most home improvements are not a dollar per dollar added value but even right after you complete them. Nice finishes may net you a slightly higher than average price per square foot if you sell, and they'll help the property sell faster. Buyers have more confidence in an updated home. However all upgrades should be done primarily for your enjoyment because you don't get added value. Your homes with is decided by the comparable homes within proximity of the house if your neighbor has a home that around the same size and sold at $300,000 you're not going to get $330,000 just because you updated the kitchen.
That's the problem with entitlement. Only thinking about $$ now. My grandparents left their home to me. I literally have the original bill of sale. $7,000.00 that's it! Today, IF I sold, that same home goes for 120,000.00. You know why? For one because prices aren't the same today as they were in 1960 when they bought it. Secondly, because they kept updating it and remodeling over the years. The value is in the updates, making it modern. However I'd never sell. It's now a generational home with memories to every update because they involved me in each one. Grandpa was a home builder, my walkin closet was built with his hands. Everything in my home has a memory for myself and my children. Any updates I make, I involve them. But even if I didn't, it's still for them and their future when I'm no longer here to help them. The value will go up by the time I'm gone, because that's just how life and things work. If you do it right, that is.
It's the parents money, she dropped out of school, they don't have to tell her anything about what the do with their own money
That's 1 thing if they spent it because they needed it or want to do something for their selves. But they spent it being spiteful because she moved in with her boyfriend. He stated they said if she leaves the house and go live with him they are spending the money. So basically if she would have stayed home and dropped out they would have never touched the money. Better spiteful parents
Yeah, my son is twelve and I plan on helping him out as much as I can with whatever he does, college or not. It's his life, he'll need to figure out how to live it. I'm just here to support him as well as I can. When he makes a mistake, which he will, I'm certainly not going to charge him 30K for it.
I know kitchen remodels can get very expensive quickly, but $30,000.00 seems excessive when you don't feel you will be financially sound come retirement. Seems to me these parents were just mad their daughter chose to follow her own path instead of the one they created for her and decided to punish her the only way they could. If I had saved the money for my child's education I wouldn't have given it to him/her for other purposes at 18, like the daughter requested, but would have continued to save it and if my child chose not to return to college would have helped him/her with buying a home or helped in some way that would make my child's life that much easier.
Sometimes the problem is making your child's life easier. You are not doing them any favors you are just creating useless adults. I know it doesn’t seem that way but struggling builds a person up. Making a decision and having to follow the consequences of that decision is important. If your parents decide not to believe you and keep that money cause they know that you will one day reconsider that mean’s they don’t take you seriously and your c**p decision now can all be erased because your parents just took that consequence away for you. What have you really taught your kid? Mama and papa will bail you out so you might as well throw Caution to the wind. Some decisions you don’t get to undue as casually as you made them. Now if she wants to go to college she can live at home and get a job. She’s not entitled to anything.
Load More Replies... That is a teaching method that tends to financially cripple people for long enough that they don't necessarily reach their potential. Bankruptcy can cost you opportunities decades after the fact, and not being able to finish your education for financial reasons when you are mature enough to actually commit to it just leaves you less able to better yourself later on in life.
I'm not sure how old you are but nowadays every company under the sun offers some sort of tuition assistance it's in no way shape or form as crippling as you're insinuating. You know what's far more crippling not teaching you're child to take care of themselves and letting them "Chase their dreams" that's how you waste 80k on a useless liberal arts or sociology degree.
I don't think you understand just how expensive early life (college, renting, etc.) Nowadays. Older American generations were living on easy street in comparison. I in particular had to pay $700/month to rent a room that was smaller than a singles dorm room and that I had to share with another person... and that had tons of cockroaches so you couldn't leave anything on the floor. I paid 700/month and that was considered cheap. Giving a kid 30k to help pay for college wouldn't even be making their life that easy. Without scholarships... 30k wouldn't even cover one year of college tuition at my old college. And that was the only college in my area offering a major in the field I was looking to break into so people in my major didn't really have much of a choice (unless of course you think poor people don't deserve to be educated... which is actually the mentality that has driven college to become so expensive. Neo-liberals suck!).
Anyway... slightly helping your kids isn't making their lives too "easy". It's basically just making it closer to as "easy" as it used to be when YOU were growing up. Housing is much more expensive than it was just 20 years ago when adjusted for inflation (and it wasn't very good either 20 years ago). College costs are more expensive than they were 20 years ago and WAY more expensive than they were 40 years ago thanks to the defunding of public institutions, the rise of private colleges, the rise of the textbook industry (seriously... there are textbooks now that cost like $1000... for one textbook!) and the introduction of for-profit colleges. People helping their children aren't creating "useless adults"... they're just making sure their kid doesn't fall too far down into homelessness. Also... you say you aren't looking for help in retirement now... but you may actually be surprised when retirememt does eventually come around. If things keep going like they are (corporate inflation)... the only people who will actually be able to retire are multimillionaires (like above $5 million in savings). The number of US citizens aged 75 and up who can't retire is expected to increase 96.5% over the next decade... and there are already a LOT of ppl 75+ who can't retire (in the tens of millions). I already know that I likely will never be able to retire with our current system due to declining wages (not only is everything MORE expensive than it used to be... but we're also getting paid less when adjusted for inflation) and that's true of practically everyone I know. Just... maybe rethink your hyper-individualist mindset is all I am saying. The cult of individualism got us into this hellhole where the majority of people are struggling just to put a roof over their heads while some rich billionaires have a pissing contests with launching rockets into space.
I dunno, I don’t really think it matters much to be honest. College isn’t what is used to be. I can’t tell you how many people I know that have a degree they dont use. She’s better off going to a trade school.
It's a massive decision for a 20 year old. She should have been given some grace based on her age alone.
Life is full of these massive decisions. At what age should they start to have consequences if not 20? 30? 40? By then its too late. People learn when they are young by making mistakes. And it’s not like she can’t still go to college. She absolutely still can, it just wont be as easy anymore. The lesson of the consequence is more valuable then people realize.
Seems like she has bad role models though since they spent 30k on kitchen and not consider their retirement nor her likely change of mind once she realized they were right but most 19 year olds coming out of a pandemic and being in love don't make the best whole life decisions when they're not properly informed and dad clearly stated it was for college ONLY if she wanted it and that's what she heard. College is not just one year, she probably wanted to try job way or take a gap year and that is totally normal but the dad or mom wanted to punish her for not obeying. Now, they regret bad choice too. They are concerned about retirement because they now realize they have severed their relationship with their potential future care giver and she won't have the means to support them if she is angry and not getting the education they all expected because they lost their minds over a kitchen and now the housing market is turning. They are short sighted too and lack awareness
Or work and get student loans. Keep a high GPA and apply for scholarships.
So she made the decision at 19 and clearly did NOT hear them say if you dont go to college in one fell swoop we will use the money in an imprudent fashion to punish you for not doing what we want. She heard them say it was for college ONLY so came back admitting that she was wrong and they said oops , but come live with us control freaks while you go to community school since we now see the error of spending 30k on a kitchen instead of putting it in 401k. Apple meet trees! I've been around narcissistic people long enough to see this dad has many red flags and holes in his story. He is too myopic to realize when they are old and need her help she will say oh remember that time...yeah I have to look out for my kids and 401k because you thought a kitchen was more important than a good relationship with me and made financially bad choices for you and me but blamed it on me only. It was either money for securing a her good future or it was Not. Actions speak loudest.
Since when do children ever come to their parents rescue in old age anyway in this day and age... My parent did nothing for his because they didn't give him enough consequences growing up chasing rock n roll pipe dreams. If I moved in with a boyfriend at 19 my grandparents already learned their lesson from their son and would have pulled their financial support. And I was well aware. Car and housing would have been gone. And I'm better for it. I came in and took care of them and guess who got everything when they passed, I did. They changed their wills. Not even I knew. Was a shock to all. But it's not why I helped them. I helped them because they gave me hard lessons to live by when my parents didn't and made me a better person for it... And because I loved them. If all a person can think of their parents is what can they give me $$... You don't deserve them.
So many parents has put money aside for kids college money the child never used because they decided not to go to college. But they do not use that money. Than I can't even feel that teaching her a lesson. My daughter decides to go against me and do as she please. When life hits her hard she's able to see o mommy was telling the truth. She grows up but I would never do something to take away from her all because she is still trying to figure out life. These parents here has controlling issues they told her if she leaves and go and live with boyfriend they are spending the money. They didn't spend it because she dropped out they spent it because she moved out against their wishes. It's one thing to spent it because she dropped out it's another to spend it because your mad she didn't do things your way. Letting your child try to find their way is a great thing. When they fail they see the harshness of it. All you are doing is supporting them if telling them we have your back. Spending
That money basically told her they are pee off because she didn't do what they wanted to be done. My daughter is the same way we she falls I catches her pick her up and let her know she has this. She doesn't make the same mistakes and love and respect me for it. She grows into beautiful young lady by the day. I am not making her suffer because she's trying to find her way. I don't tell my child it's mine way or the highway. 20 is not grown sorry hormones is still out of control. Being stress out at school like you have no clue what she was going through at school. My daughter became suicidal she loves school she loves to learn. It was so much stress and drama going on. She took time off wanted to give up but she decided to go back. She's more at peace now and knowing I will always have her back. Stop trying to make kids grow up so fast. Stop trying to control your kids with money that's selfish and nasty. Support parents that are not threatening their child.
If she would have stayed home for that year she still would have had her money. They only spent it to get back at her for leaving. It's in his words read it again.
So great that you think that. It will give you comfort in the nursing home that YOU can afford. You're not entitled to anything.
Im good. I don’t expect my kids to carry me when I get older. I will live off what I worked for when I was younger. My goal is not to burden my kid with having to take care of me when Im older just cause he feels guilty. That’s not why you have kids.
It’s called planning for your future and living with in your means. Not difficult. You bail this 20yr old adult out and she’ll have no chance of learning to provide for herself.
If only I had parents with your mentality growing up. I was told from a young age I was going to college and guess what? I nearly flunked out. It wasn’t for me. It took me a while, but I did finally graduate and I don’t even use my degree.
Not enough of the full situation is available, so I'll add some speculation. It sounds a bit like they didn't approve of the boyfriend, and may still resent that advice they gave her about staying in school was rejected. Or, perhaps they suggested some alternatives in what became an argument, and she responded with her statement about school not being right for her. Regardless of it being their money, with such a quick spending when their retirement isn't well set sounds immature on their part - might explain some of this family dynamic. Sounds like there is some "growing up" to do on both sides.
💯 exactly bigger picture POV. He is clearly a bad role model and lacks awareness to see it. Apple meet tree but she was 19 and came.out of pandemic and gap years are normal. He is at least 40 but probably more like 50s and blame shifting and making silly excuses for blowing through in about a year what was meant for a four to five year investment in her and their own futures, by virtue of her potentially being their caregiver one day, and now he regrets his childish punishment as the reality of downward housing market and her feelings of betrayal and hopelessness mix with his own anxiety about his retirement which might not have been so scary had he an ugly kitchen and a determined daughter going back to the better school. He literally sees he cut off his nose to spite his daughter for not obeying and the dynamic is she is as impulsive as her dad and mom but at 19 she has justifications. They refuse to admit what they clearly know...they're idiots, hypocrites and maybe screwed
$30,000 for a full kitchen remodel is about average, really. And depending on the size of the kitchen, it can go a lot higher. I'm getting quotes right now for a full kitchen remodel and all of them are coming in around $30,000, and I'm not even getting new appliances! Also, as parents, doing everything you can to make your kid's life easier isn't doing them any favors. All you get in the end are spoiled kids who think mom and dad will bail them out if anything, no matter what Choices have consequences and this daughter just learned a big lesson Finally, one of the biggest recommendations made by experts is to do big remodels like this kitchen BEFORE you retire so you can get it paid off while you're making more money. I, my kids, and their father all paid from r college with the GI Bill. Both boys are happy they did it this way, too, because they had a chance to grow up, mature, and figure out what they wanted in life before paying for expensive college tuition.
It's not like they took that money away from their retirement funds. They used the money the daughter basically said she had no use for. Tough sh*t for her.
How do u know what u would've done in a situation you've never been in b4? So much foresight.....
The problem is that everyone feels the parents should foot the bill for kids lives until they are 50 or some s**t. This is getting out of hand. They warned her and talked to her, she made her decision. They gave it a year and even protected the money from her. If they had given in and let her have it it would be gone anyways. They aren't assholes, they aren't omnipotent. 30k on a kitchen remodel is a drop in the bucket, especially if it's an old kitchen. It was their money to begin with so they can do what they want with it.
I agree that there's definitely a limit, but 20 is a far way off from 50, and going to college without help from parents is getting increasingly difficult, especially since kids are preoccupied with other schooling just before starting college which makes it hard to save up enough for college since you're pretty much limited to part time. She definitely made a bad decision, and shouldn't have assumed that her college fund was safe, but the parents should've been lenient, this is likely the hardest and most confusing part of her life so far
Load More Replies... The parents are not wrong but I would have waited for another year. I don't think a 20yo who makes this kind of decision (leaving uni, moving in with someone and working ) knows what they want. So NTA but wait a little longer.
I would have wanted until she was 25 at least and talked to her about it. There’s still a lot to learn about life at 19 and 20.
And yet people like me actually managed to put themselves through school, graduate and be working in a real job. Yes I did, at 19 i had a 4 year degree, paid for with student loans, no free money, no scholarships. At 18 she was an adult, being an adult has responsibility, she was old enough to know better.
25 is being grown. So stop treating your kids like babies. Myself and my siblings were expected to take our adulthood on at 18 and we were all better for it. Sure a college fund would have been nice, but I got my MGI Bill instead on my own. When I took my classes I never was flaky because it was at my expense. I had an adult focus on my adult life because it was my responsibility. Saving adults from their responsibility is not a good parenting move it you want to raise healthy adult individuals. They're not babies anymore.
I believe no matter what the age a person is, they still don't know what they want and sometimes even confuses it with their needs. But, at the age of 18 shouldn't they know the consequences of their own actions? If they don't, why make 18 years old the legal age? Base on the comments I've read so far, I see one common thing. They sided with the daughter because just like the daughter they never own up their mistakes and just conveniently blame anyone. Probably, it feels good to point fingers.
These are the same people living at home as leeches way past 18 without jobs or acting like actual adults. They want to claim to be adults without actually acting like one.
Yeah, Im under the impression the people saying shes too young are the ones who are relating to her situation. They don’t want responsibility and are most likely still living at home so they are advocating for themselves really.
This is essentially what I think too, the money shouldn't have been allowed to rot, but it also shouldn't have been used so fast
So, your parents don't touch their paychecks until you've gotten out of it what you wanted from it? The daughter was warned what her parents had planned I'd she dropped out and moved out and she "thought they were bluffing." Surprise! They'd already paid for a year of college and she didn't appreciate it. Why throw good money after bad? Also, she's not living with them and is an adult. Why should they go on financially supporting her and when should their financial support end?
Actions have consequences. When you are older you will understand this better. She's an adult and not just barely 18. At 20 I had put myself through college, gotten a 4 year degree ( not paid off) and was working a permanent career job. Sorry, can't have sympathy. My parents couldn't afford it, and she was so careless with it. Choices carry consequences. Adults are responsible for them, good and bad.
Sorry Freddy but you're completely wrong, going to college without assistance from parents has only been getting substantially easier. Nowadays every company offers some sort of tuition assistance. 10-15 years ago this wasn't the case. Today the best thing to do if you're not on a scholarship is to go work a good job, make money and learns skills while also getting them to pay for your tuition. No sending yourself or your parents into debt.
It’s not pampering or whatever if you have targeted that money specifically for your kids’ education. And 20 is an age where many young adults Have not yet found their place, get in bad relationships, etc. The parents should have given her at least a couple of years to reconsider.
I was in the military at 19, defending my country. Married at 20 and contributing to my own household. The idea 20 years olds are so young is baffling to me. You've been an adult for two years by then. You can vote. You're not a minor. If you can move in with a man and set up house you're a grown up. You don't get a reward for not listening to the wisdom of your parents. When people who love you try to warn you and you decide to do what you want to do instead you learn the hard way that your choices have consequences.
Only the immature ones. Funny how most other people at that age had the maturity... she's an adult, way past time she acted like it.
It's their money and she's already played house with someone and it didn't work. She decided she was grown enough to do so that, she can definitely manage to figure out how to get a job and with through college like other adults.
It's incredibly normal to take a year off of college. What she did wasn't a bad decision, it just didn't work out. It's not like she was out there doing drugs or something. She was working. If they pay for one kid's college, yes, they're pretty much obligated to pay for the other. She'll probably never really get over this.
I think if she said that she needed a year off to think about what she wants to do it would of been an entirely different outcome. She specifically said it wasn’t for her and dropped out.
It is not normal to drop out of college, move out and stay with your boyfriend, and just return home as if nothing happens.
They not obligated to do anything but raise her to 18 first of all. She was the oldest and they did pay for her. She chose to drop out, she didn't take a year off. "She'll never get over this" Somebody sounds entitled... I'm sure she'll be fine. The only thing she'll need to get over is her own decision. She should be grateful the opportunity existed in the first place most kids don't have parents that can afford to pay for their college
I'm sorry. But I disagree with the 'obligated to pay for the other' part. If one goes to college and uses the money for its intended purpose and she said she didn't want to do college and dropped out- and they warned her the money would be spent. And yes. She can get over it if she tries. Tons of employers pay for education. Military. Scholarships. Grants, loans. And there's something to be said for working as well. And they are offering to help in other ways, so they're still there for her. Her decision is just going to cost her a little more time and effort is all.
Being a father of 2 I strongly disagree. I save up for my kids to give them a headstart in life, whether it be for their college tuition, car or even decorating their first home. The money I'm saving up for them is theirs to keep (as long as they show me they are responsible and capable of managing their own life, which in my opinion the kid was.. it's just a gap year and had regrets. Comes back at it to find out they already blew her chance to set things straight). One isn't mentally mature until age 25 so they should've at least waited till she was 25 before blowing that amount of money (which I definitely wouldn't) for just a frigging kitchen. They come off as not being financially sound themselves, which makes it even more stupid to begin with, they blow their daughters safety net on their own selfish needs. To make matters worse are even irresponsible with that amount of money and set dumb priorities. I call parents like that selfish and hypocrites.
As a mother of one, I strongly disagree. I know it feels like you are showing your kids love when you do these things for them but what you are really doing is crippling them in life by not letting them do things for themselves. You also take value away from hard work and dedication to something. But you make yourself feel better, because you are taking the struggle away from your kid, the struggle is necessary.
20 years olds aren't even fully developed in the biological sense, it still makes sense to wait until the kid is actually a fully developed adult(around 23 to 25) before treating them entirely like a fully developed adult with little to no safety net.
Right so by that logic nobody should be charged with a crime before the age of 23-25 because their not fully developed... It makes sense to wait till their fully developed and see if they go stab or rape somebody again... You know when they're fully developed
DAN13LG -Development isn't a single linear path. Consider the fact that you have to be 21 to buy and consume alcohol, marijuana, and tobacco products because we know that parts of the brain are still developing and those substances can have significant negative impacts on the brain, and you are at a greater risk for addiction. You can't rent a car until 21 in most states and if you're under 25 you might pay an extra fee, and insurance rates are often higher until 25, because people under 25 get in significantly more car accidents because of the part of the brain that helps control impulsivity and risky behavior. Unless you can show significant proof of independent income, you can't get a credit card by yourself until 21 because the part of the brain that can calculate the long-term consequences of something like credit card debt isn't fully developed and when combined with the impulsivity, banks and the government know it's a bad decision. (1/3)
(2/3) - You are taking things to the extreme with your example. Again development isn't linear and different parts of the brain which are in charge of different decision making processes develop at different rates. Ask a 5-year-old if it's okay to hit their friend when they are angry, chances are they will say no, but we do not expect them to be perfect at not hitting their friend when they are angry and know they will probably make a mistake and we provide some consequences and reteach, knowing that eventually they will be able to better manage their feelings as they get older. We let 16-year-olds drive, but we don't let them have friends in their car while driving for the first 6mo because while they are still learning the can't manage the distractions. Again, car insurance rates are higher because the rate of fender benders are higher - levels of development: teens and young adults are more likely to have a higher rate of minor accidents, not necessarily serious accidents.
(3/3) - Even if you think about things from a pure experience perspective it still makes sense for the parents to wait a bit. For example, when training to be a pilot, first you have a teacher that you fly with, then once they feel confident you can be safe on your own, they sign you off to solo. Then you fly solo to practice maneuvers and get more comfortable. Then you test and get your private pilot license. Congratulations, you can now have passengers, HOWEVER you cannot get paid to fly people. This is because we know that the allure of making money can cloud people's judgement and you might make a decision to fly under conditions you normally wouldn't, and you don't have enough experience to handle those marginal flight conditions. Once you have flown a certain amount of hours and done additional training with an instructor, you can test for your commercial, and that allows you to fly for hire. Development isn't linear, you need to gain experience, but you also need scaffolding.
Is it safe to say that we can use this statement when an 18 year old killed someone?
If they could they would in court but they don’t. Guess the legal system draws the line at 18. Entitled crowd at 50.
In the United States she can't apply for financial aid on her own until she's 23. So while I agree that it's their money do with as they choose, I think there's a fundamental lack of understanding as to how big an impact this will have on her and her future. It isn't like they want her to work through school to have her value it more and plan to pay for her bachelor's after she transfers, it was straight up if you don't do what we want the offer is off the table forever. So, while they had a right to do what they did, it would sit better with me if I felt more like they understood how big of a thing it truly was, and that their daughter could have benefited more from their concern and teaching than from their withdrawal from the situation entirely. This feels petty, and a bit like they were happy to have an excuse to take the money back.
Why are you under the impression she can’t go to school if her parents don't pay for it?
In United States, you can find a job at the age of 18, you can get behind bars at the age of 18, you can have sex at the age of 18, you can party all night at the age of 18, you can have a family at the age of 18, and many more. So how come having a foresight is something an 18 year old cannot have?
What the hell are you talking about? There is no minimum wage to apply for financial aid. Also she can simply go work for any of the thousands of companies that offer tuition assistance
DAN13LG - yes, you can work for a company that provides tuition assistance, but they often limit where you can go and sometimes even what degrees they will pay for. You are correct that there is no minimum age to apply for fin aid, but until you are 23, you are considered a dependent and have to report your parent's income and so that can significantly impact how much aid you qualify for. https://studentaid.gov/help-center/answers/article/independent-student
Wrong. My Daughter started for her Masters at the age of 19. She was considered independent student then and had to apply for her own student aid.
You are patently wrong. At the age of 18, in the United States, a person can apply for school loans.
This is simply false! She absolutely can apply for financial aid, and she can work part time.
They didn't give it a year, the money was completely gone when the daughter approached him one year later. Wait list for construction nowadays is long too so they must have jumped on that very shortly after she quit college, maybe even the same month... Also 30K wouldn't have paid for more than like one year at State School, so with the fund that size the child should be doing community college or trade school anyway.
Anyone who spends 30k on a kitchen remodel is an a*****e. Thats not a drop in the bucket, seems like youd have to tear apart half your house and buy a shitload of expensive apliances that dont work any better then reasonably priced ones to spend 30k. I bet they even got a fridge that shows you the food so you dont have to open it.
What a bitter person you are. And woefully uninformed. 30k for a kitchen remodel is nothing! Kitchen remodels are mucho expensive and had they said anything less than 25k I wouldn't have believed they were doing a full remodel.
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