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40 Infidelity Signs That People Missed: “Maybe I’m Just Being Paranoid”
Interview With Expert
When you’re in love, you always want to see the best in your partner. Nobody else on the planet could be as funny as they are, smell as sweetly as they do or wrap you up in a blanket burrito quite as snugly.
But even when you view your partner through rose-colored glasses, it’s important not to allow blind spots to form in your relationship. Redditors have recently been discussing the red flags that they either missed or chose to ignore while they were being cheated on, so we’ve gathered some of their most heartbreaking stories below. No one ever wants to imagine that their partner could betray them, but if you do find yourself in that situation, you’ll want to notice the writing on the wall.
And keep reading to find a conversation with Nia Williams, Relationship Therapist and Life Coach from Miss Date Doctor.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
My best friend of 10 years cried on my shoulder, multiple times. In my house. I knew it was about a girl but he didn't want to give any details, told him I'm always there if he wants to talk. Turns out he and my wife (who was my carer through chronic illness) were making plans to run off together. They're married now.
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#2
He suddenly treated his phone like it was a newborn baby.
Slept with it face-down, brought it to the bathroom, got twitchy if I even glanced at it. One time it buzzed at 2 AM and he mumbled, “It’s just work.”
Girl, it was not work.
#3
Always accused ME of cheating even when I had done nothing to make him believe that. He kept constantly telling me how being cheated on was his biggest fear. Ended up cheating on me with multiple girls throughout our relationship.
To learn more about this heartbreaking topic, we got in touch with Nia Williams, Relationship Therapist and Life Coach from Miss Date Doctor. She was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss some of the signs of cheating that people often overlook.
"While not all signs indicate cheating definitively, certain behavioral shifts can be strong red flags," Nia noted. "These include: sudden secrecy. If your partner begins guarding their phone, changing passwords, or stepping out of the room to take calls, that secrecy may indicate they’re hiding communication with someone else."
#5
I figured it out when my sister-in-law slapped me with a book named “co-dependent no more.” Everyone else knew it, but I was emotionally blind. 28 years of marriage and four kids.
She had multiple partners over our entire marriage, including my best friend.
Divorcing and pulling our lives apart was like trying to separate two phone books with interlocking pages. Had to move out of state to make it happen.
But happen it did - and I’m better for it.
#6
I think I knew, and it wasn't just one thing.
Long time spent on the phone, sometimes the whole day.
Sleeping in the other room "to get better sleep".
The little smile you see when they check a message, and the speed at which they're checking them.
When you open a door and suddenly the volume of a conversation drops. Or it switches to just typing.
I saw all of it, and I chose to ignore it as I see myself as a jealous person sometimes, and maybe I'm just being paranoid. I thought we had something stronger than that, and at a minimum I figured she would leave me before she no longer cared for me enough to do that in my face.
I saw the signs, chose to ignore them, and I was wrong.
DennyS (denzoren) 1 month ago
It's sometimes difficult to see the signs for what they are when you're under the impression that everything is fine and you've got the happy-love-goggles on.
Changes in their routine can also be a red flag. "A partner who starts staying late at work more frequently, traveling unexpectedly, or shifting schedules without clear reasons might be carving out time for someone else," the expert shared.
Emotional distance or hostility can be bad signs as well. "Many people assume cheaters will act guilty, but some actually become cold or pick fights to rationalize their behavior or create emotional distance," Nia says.
#8
She was too loving after coming back from work, and not loving at all any other time. Turns out she would sleep with someone at work and then come back to me….
#9
She packed the lingerie I bought for her on the girls weekend trip.
It was absolutely not the sort of thing you would wear under something else either.
Unexplained expenses might hint towards cheating as well. "Financial red flags, such as strange charges or hidden spending, can be clues — think hotel stays, new clothes, or gifts that were never given to you," Nia pointed out.
At the same time, overcompensation might be a bad sign. "Oddly enough, some cheaters overcompensate with affection, gifts, or excessive compliments — this can be a tactic to distract or alleviate their guilt," the expert says.
#10
He became extremely cold and argumentative towards me, everything I did would set him off. He threatened to leave multiple times over small things.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
Anytime someone threatens to leave.... take them up on it. If they are willing to say that, they've already checked out.
#11
He always wanted to know my location so that I never crossed paths with him and his side piece.
His friends started giving me weird looks like they felt sorry for me. They also started to be nicer and more gentle with me instead of teasing or joking. The atmosphere was suddenly serious.
He would get calls from unsaved numbers late at night, but he'd brush them off and say he didn't answer numbers he didn't recognize. Left his phone on silent or DND and it was always glued to him.
A lack of interest in intimacy, or a sudden surge of interest, might indicate cheating sometimes too. "Both a decrease in intimacy and a sudden spike in s*xual energy (perhaps inspired by a new partner) can be telling signs," Nia shared.
And finally, if you have a gut feeling, listen to it. "Perhaps most underrated is our intuition. If you consistently feel like something is off, that inner signal deserves attention," the relationship expert says.
#13
She was sleeping with her phone under her pillow.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
I feel like this needs more context. My husband does this so his alarm doesn't wake me, but he's not acting shady and I could open his phone any time I want.
#14
Showering as soon as they got home.
Child of the Stars 1 month ago
If it changes suddenly, sure, but this might not always be a sign of cheating. My ex-husband (he didn't cheat, fyi!) would shower immediately after work because after working in a hot kitchen all day, he stank of grease, even though he also showered before work.
#15
Never let a cheater be forgiven.
My now ex cheated on me once, I forgave.
She cheated again married him.
6 years relationship, in 3 months of long distance relationship, some d**k head helped with her homework and that's it.
Cheaters will always cheat so yeah never bother forgiving them.
But why is it so easy to miss these signs? "People overlook these signs for many reasons — and none of them are about being foolish or naïve. At the heart of it is emotional investment and trust. When we love someone, we naturally give them the benefit of the doubt," Nia explained.
On one hand, people might be scared of finding out the truth. "Sometimes it feels safer to live in denial than face the pain of betrayal or the upheaval that might follow (like separation, divorce, or family disruption)," the expert told Bored Panda.
#16
Never a story about her job that didn't include this m**********r.
Abject_Ad2708:
Same here, kept hearing stories about how nice and thoughtful he is. When I expressed my concerns, she brushed it away saying he is like that with everyone and he is dating someone as well. Ended up cheating a week later
#17
My at the time best friend seemed to go from super awkward and quiet to extremely cocky, and specifically belligerent towards me. My partner at the time was spending a lot of time with him (we were part of the same larger friend group so it never really seemed weird at the time) and it just never added up in my head. I ended up being the one that got shunted out of the larger group despite being the victim.
#18
He got so happy when he talked about her. I had a sinking feeling, but I brushed it off as I was being paranoid. Should have trusted my gut.
Hope and optimism can sometimes play a part too. "Many people genuinely believe problems in the relationship can be fixed, and they want to believe the best in their partner," Nia says.
But gaslighting can be at play as well. "Some cheaters actively deny and manipulate reality — causing their partner to doubt their own perceptions," she continued. "This emotional abuse can severely cloud judgment."
#19
Oh God, everything. I was so blind and stupid. He talked his way out of everything so casually. Socks in our bed, long blonde hair on my pillows, shampoos that weren't mine, work schedules, he had an answer for everything. This man was living two completely different lives, one with me [gay] for 8 years, and one with his girlfriend of 2 years. I've never in my life have been through the hell that man caused me. POS.
#20
I told him I was itchy after s*x and he got nervous and defensive.
#21
I think in almost all cases, there are clear indicators of bulls**ery going on.
I could list them, but I don't think the signs themselves are that important.
Ignoring any specific signs for a second, I think it is important to point out that being treated like s**t and being cheated on go hand-in-hand.
You don't have to bother Nancy Drew-ing out the possible implications of wearing perfume to go to the gym or the reasons behind a sudden string of late work nights.
If you are paying attention to how the relationship feels and how you are being treated, you can remove yourself from the relationship before actually catching your person doing squat thrusts in the neighbor's cucumber patch.
With hindsight, you will see that your partner was pulling away long before you caught them. With hindsight, you will see that your partner created distance and was actively disconnecting from you.
You were just too busy trying to get things back to where you thought they should be to notice that their interests were elsewhere and that the person sitting right in front of you didn't give a s**t anymore.
So, long story short, focus on the sudden disconnection. Focus on the aloofness and their air of not giving a s**t.
Not in the frantic "How do I fix this" kind of way but in the "I don't like how I am being treated and this needs to change" kind of way.
Then bounce if your feelings aren't being addressed.
Chicken Mitten 1 month ago
This is good advice for relationships in general. I wish I would have focused on my happiness rather than what OP said, "With hindsight, you will see that your partner created distance and was actively disconnecting from you. You were just too busy trying to get things back to where you thought they should be to notice that their interests were elsewhere and that the person sitting right in front of you didn't give a s**t anymore." I would have saved a lot of heartbreak.
Cultural pressure might also help people deny the truth. "In today’s society, there’s pressure to maintain a picture-perfect relationship — especially on social media," the relationship expert says. "People may feel shame about being “the one who got cheated on,” and ignore signs to preserve appearances."
Finally, living a busy life can get in the way too. "With the pace of modern life, people are juggling jobs, children, and responsibilities. It’s easy to miss subtle cues when you’re stretched thin," Nia added.
#22
Started hanging out with long lost friends from high school….i feel so stupid believing that s**t but that’s what happens when you fully trust someone. But hey, it changed me to a point where I will never trust someone 100%, maybe 98% but never again fully. Lesson learned….even the people that say they love you and sleep right next to you will f**k you over if they can.
Paul C 1 month ago
That's the wrong lesson learned. It should have been don't trust 100% of people completely. Some people you can trust 100%, some you can't. I would never, ever cheat, so I didn't think anyone else would. Learned my lesson the hard way. Feeling you can never trust anyone 100% is a dark way to live.
#23
She was always talking about the guy as her "work bff". We worked opposite schedules, I would get home late and small things would be different but I didn't want to put 2 and 2 together.
She used to stay up and wait for me before going to bed, then she just stopped and would be passed out. Things in my game room would be slightly moved around and she had her own room so it's not like she needed my computer.
The biggest thing I ignored was that almost every night when I crawled in bed I could swear that my side was already just a little too warm and my pillows a little too messed up for her to have just been moving around.. I thought I was just being paranoid.
Two weeks later I was at work and just had a deep pit in my stomach like everything just clicked in my subconscious, got home and she was on the couch waiting for me and we broke up then and there after 3y because she literally told me i wasnt good enough. The next day I moved out, she went on a vacation with him the next weekend. It was supposed to be our anniversary trip that I thought we'd been planning together, she made me help plan her vacation with her new guy..
#24
A ton of time playing “words with friends” and the smiles she’d show while playing while I was getting our daughter ready for school.
But if you want to get better at spotting these red flags, Nia shared some helpful advice. "Developing emotional awareness and healthy relationship habits can help us tune into the truth more effectively. Here are a few key practices: Regular communication check-ins. Normalize talking about feelings, needs, and concerns. Open dialogue builds a stronger foundation and makes it easier to sense when something’s off," the expert says.
Also, know your non-negotiables. "Clarify your values and boundaries early in relationships. This helps you spot when someone crosses a line," Nia added.
#25
She suddenly became weirdly supportive of me going out with the boys. Like, not just okay with it, excited. I thought she was just being chill. Turns out, she was scheduling my 'fun nights' to line up with hers. While I was out drinking she got pounded by her co-worker.
#26
When she started shaving her pubic hair after leaving it natural for 7 years.
Building self-trust can also help you spot red flags. "The more you practice listening to your gut, the more you can recognize discomfort as a cue to explore further — not something to dismiss."
Remember, actions speak louder than words. "Pay attention to patterns in behavior, not just what someone says," Nia shared. "A person who is inconsistent, evasive, or emotionally unavailable might be showing you a deeper truth."
And don't isolate yourself. "Sometimes others see what we can’t. Stay connected to your support system — close friends and family can offer perspective when you’re too close to the situation," the expert added.
#28
She called me by the other guys name while we were talking on the phone. I didn't catch on until some weeks later we were all at a meeting and I saw their interaction.
#29
Hiding the phone. Barely messaged. No interest in talking to me. Stopped caring or being interested in me. Stopped saying I love you like usual. Holding hands became just me holding a limp hand. Using social media to acknowledge others but not me. No compliments. Gaslighting and manipulating. Saw more of a distance between us. Them pulling away.
The worst was asking if we were ok. Asking if he was with someone else. And the hand in the lap saying no, none of that.
Asked him to open his phone and he refused.
There was someone else. There had been more than 1.
Edit- forgot the others.
He had started going to the gym morning and night. Started getting rid of his body hair.
Now he was away and came back freshly shaved. I said oh how come you're freely shaved? He said he felt like feeling all clean. Then he said he had to see the Dr about a mole on his back. But before he replied he kinda froze. There is no way he would have seen this mole unless someone was looking closely at his back. I didn't see it so someone else ( yes one affair) was the one who saw it.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
That is a lot of warning signs... I'm surprised it took you so long to call him out
#30
She changed the password on her phone. Said it was because the kids were using all of her data.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
Again there has to be more to it than that. I don't think I would even know my husband changed his password unless he said something.
Finally, Nia wants to remind readers that being cheated on is never a reflection of your worth. "Cheating is a decision that belongs to the person who betrays, not the one who trusted," she noted. "If you’ve been cheated on, you may feel anger, shame, grief, or confusion. All of that is valid. Give yourself space to process, seek support (from friends, therapy, or coaching), and know that healing is possible. The betrayal may be a painful chapter, but it does not define your story."
"I always encourage people to use these moments as turning points for deeper self-awareness, stronger boundaries, and ultimately — healthier love," the relationship expert shared. "Also, always remember the one thing that is a give away of cheating is secrecy, [such as] hiding their phone and disappearing acts."
#31
I had an instinct something was off. Nothing tangible. I remember he came back from working abroad for a week and I said to him “You seem different somehow”. Well, he’d been in a hotel shagging some woman - there were no visible signs, just something…off.
#32
The neighbors commenting on "our new car that parks in the driveway and blocks the street mailbox during the day 😆 🤣
Lila Allen 1 month ago
Oh Ouch.... not the best way to find out. I don't think there is a good way, but the neighbors knew first is pretty bad.
#33
She started sleeping in another room because of my snoring and then sleeping in later. I thought she just needed better sleep. Really she was staying up all night s*xting the other guy.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
Seriously why can't people grasp the concept. If you aren't interested in being with someone just say so and break it off before looking elsewhere. Why be a lying liar and cheat when you could just break up?
#34
Haven't been cheated on (my wife is about as sneaky as a sledgehammer). But two big signs I've observed in others:
-Sudden changes of schedule on prime date times (Sat night etc.).
-Going the extra mile to "proove" you're doing something innocent.
#35
Constant napping. We were long distance, she was a chronically tired person, and she was on a depressive stint, so I assumed she needed the sleep. I found out far too late once the lies stopped adding up that there was something else going on. Looking back, I should’ve realized it when the naps started ramping up and our time together was interrupted at every turn for a little sleep.
DennyS (denzoren) 1 month ago
I hope no one ever suspects me of this cause I genuinely just sleep a lot lol
#36
Mine had a good relationship with her brother, they talked on the phone weekly and texted often. 3am rolls around one day and brother texted her, i almost never pried into her phone as im not the jealous type but brother texting at 3am i wanted to make sure it wasnt an emergency. Brothers name in phone qas indeed not him and rather the guy she was cheating on me with for 8+ months asking when she can get away to f**k him again. Maybe best case is she is now married to him with kids? Glad she found her one i guess.
#37
One sign I overlooked was sitting in the car for a while after arriving home. One I missed totally not wanting to have s*x, but when she did complaining she felt like a piece of meat. Context, she was cheating with multiple people.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
Ok yeah I think the not wanting s*x should've been a bit bigger warning than sitting in the car
#38
She changed. Dress, haircut, style, it was really a change.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
Sudden change alone isn't a good red flag unless there's already a sense something is wrong with the relationship.
#39
He became more attentive than normal. But the first sign was wanting to check in more often (he was trying to track my movements).
#40
Brushed off how Buddy Buddy he was with our roommate (my best friend of 11 years, proud Lesbian so she thought!). She’d come in our room to hang out with all three of us and by the time I awoke in the middle of the night they’d be on the ground together, close and always touching one another in some way. I thought it was just friendliness!
Until I caught them making out.
Tldr; too touchy feely.
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What do you think ?
Lyoness 1 month ago
So, hiding their phone, projecting by accusing you of cheating, talking about someone else too much...lots of common themes here. Cheating sucks.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
And it is just so pointlessly mean. If you're done with the relationship break it off. Don't skeeve around behind their back with other people.
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BrownEyedGrrl 1 month ago
I don't understand why people don't just break up/divorce instead of cheating.
Lyoness 1 month ago
So, hiding their phone, projecting by accusing you of cheating, talking about someone else too much...lots of common themes here. Cheating sucks.
Lila Allen 1 month ago
And it is just so pointlessly mean. If you're done with the relationship break it off. Don't skeeve around behind their back with other people.
Load More Replies... BrownEyedGrrl 1 month ago
I don't understand why people don't just break up/divorce instead of cheating.
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